Life on life's terms

And boy have I had some storms to deal with recently
My life has been turned upside down in the past few weeks
My world has been rocked
I thought that I was doing ok
Coating along
Not using
Not critically underweight
But now I can see that I was just treading water
I was like a ticking time bomb
It was only a matter of time before I exploded
The Boy was the catalyst
But the wasn't the cause
It could have been anything
It just happened to be him

Despite the devastation
And the destruction that this recent relapse caused
And there was a lot of it
Some good things did come out of it
I am now back at meetings
Which is a huge step for me
If you have been reading for a while
You will know that I have been trying to get to a meeting for years
I also found out who my real friends are
Some people ran for the hills when it came out that I had used
Others rallied around me
And I am eternally grateful for that

I am one week clean today
I know that is a pitiful amount of time
But it marks the first steps of my recovery
Recovery from all mind altering substances
I  now see that I can't use
Anything
Be it alcohol
Or speed
Or cocaine
Or heroin
Or poppy freakin' tea
They are all a no go area for me
Maybe some people can use re-creationally
And still maintain a normal life
And function
But I sure as shit can't
I know that for sure now
I've always been an all or nothing person
There are no half measures with me
That's just the way I am
And I have to accept that
My self will has been running riot recently
And I left a trail of destruction in my wake
I want to be a better person
I don't want to be the person that I have been for the last few weeks
That is not the real me
Drugs turn me in to  a person that I don;t even recognize
And that is truly scary

I heard someone say this as a meeting recently

Give time, time

In other words
Things take time
Gaining back trust takes time
Becoming a better person takes time
Staying clean and sober takes time
Those three words mean a lot

So it is onwards and upwards
No looking back
No feeling sorry for myself
Time to dust myself off
And stand up as the person I want to be
Fake it til you make right?
I think so.......

Mothers Day

Usually I spend Mothering Sunday with my Mum

Usually I make her breakfast in bed 

Give her gifts

And bring her out for lunch

However 

This year is different 

This year my sister brought my mum to Prague for a few days

They arrived yesterday

And are living it up in a beautiful suite in a stunning hotel

I'm so glad that mum got to go away

God knows she deserves a break

So I am at home

Not home alone though

My Dad has come to keep me company for a few days

And of course Honey and Lea are never far from my side

I made my Dad dinner yesterday

Italian beef stew

I'm always meaning to post some recipes here

I can make a few dishes well

Taught to me by my sister who is an amazing cook

Anyway

I will get around to it at some stage 

So my Dad and I are spending quality time together

And are making dinner for my other sister and my nephew

Who are coming down later

Mother's Day reminds me how lucky I am

To have a mum that stood by me through everything we have been through

It reminds me to thank my lucky stars that I have a strong, kind and selfless mother

I have put my mother through more than any one person should have to take

Through my rebellious teenage years

Through my drug fuelled twenties

And of course through the eating disordered years

Which are still going on to a certain extent

Yes

I have broke my mothers heart more times than I care to remember

She has given me endless second chances

More than I deserved

So thank you Mum

For being there

And for knowing when to turn your back

For holding my hand through everything

For never giving up hope on me

For believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself

For carrying me when I couldn't walk

For loving me when I didn't love myself

For being strong when I was weak

Thank you

I'm doing my level best to get back on track

I've planned my week with things to keep me occupied

Unfortunately

Because I am getting my using under control 

My ED behaviours seem to be spinning out of control

Purging has increased some

I'm weighing multiple times a day

Although my weight seems to be staying stable

Fluctuating a kilo or so either side

I don't know if I am happy at the Wright I'm at

I mean

It's fine

It's ok

It's not fantastic 

I don't feel super good or confident

But I can accept it

And maybe that's enough for now

Maybe this is as good as it gets for me

After the dentist last Friday

I went to Rivet Island for a look

I found a lovely navy and white striped dress

With pockets and a tulip skirt

I took in a size 8 and a size 10

The 8 fit me perfectly

And I really liked it

I didn't buy it though

Not like me I know

But I think I am going to go back and buy it tomorrow

I will post photos too

Two of my crowns came out when o was eating chocolate yesterday

I bought some polygrip to try and secure them back in 

But that didn't work too well 

So it's back to the dentist tomorrow

To get them cemented back in

Pain in the buttocks 

But it has to be done

Anyway

I'm off to make dinner

See you on the next post.....

Weather forecast

To give us all a break from the drama that is my life

I thought I would write about something completely different today

As you know

I live in Ireland 

The west coast of Ireland to be a bit more precise 

I've lived in Ireland my whole life 

And there is one topic of conversation that is talked about more than anything else

More than the state of the worlds economy

More than any of the wars that are going on

More than any murders, rapes or kidnappings 

What is this subject I hear you ask?

Well 

As you might have guessed

It's the weather

We love to talk about the weather in this country

And we get great mileage out of it

It's talked about everywhere you go

With your neighbours

With shopkeepers

With people you pass when you're out for your morning walk

Oh yes 

We love to chat about the weather

Ireland is pretty well known for its weather

Especially rain

Rain is a common occurrence here

But the thing about this country is

You have to be prepared for every eventuality

It is not uncommon to have rain, wind, sunshine, hail and snow

All in the same 24 hours

So if you are heading out for the day

You really need to be prepared

And should really bring rain gear

Fleeces 

A heavy coat

And shorts and a t- shirt

Just in case

You would think that living in this country all year round

That we would be well prepared for all the weather we get

But we're not

You can always tell a tourist in this country

As they will be dressed weather appropriate

You can always spot an Irish person too

As they will be the one wearing a t-shirt in a storm

Or high heels in snow

Every so often we get extreme weather

Like bad storm

Or heavy snowfall 

You would think that we would be prepared for this

But no

Oh no

The slightest flurry of snow

And the whole country comes to a stand still

Roads are closed

Schools are shut down 

And people don't venture outside their front door

This is when preparation comes in handy

So for all you doomsday preppers  out there

Now is the time to break out your supplies

I was in my local store yesterday 

I was queueing up at the till 

There was a storm brewing outside

And there were about three people ahead of me in the line

The girl at the till had the exact same conversation with all the people before me

Girl: The weather is shocking today

Customer no 1: Oh I know it's desperate

Girl: The weather is tight today

Customer no 2: Absolutely

Girl: it's a miserable day today

Customer no 3: Absolutely

But more than talking about the weather

We Irish love to complain about the weather

We give out yards when the weather is bad

But secretly we are delighted as it gives us a great opportunity to complain

I've been to other countries

And no where I've  been do people talk about the weather as much as we do here

Why is that?

I'm not so sure

Maybe because we get such a variety of weather 

Maybe because the weather determined our day somewhat

What ever the reason

Talking about the weather is part of our culture

And when all other topics of conversation run out

The weather is always there 

Teething issues

As you know

I'm in the process of getting new teeth

Last August I had temporary crowns put in

They were replaced in December

And I'm now waiting to get permanent ones

I had an appointment this morning to take impressions of my teeth

My dentist is so funny

He's always telling me how great it is that I'm getting new teeth

And how he's getting 'great satisfaction' out of my case

It was a marathon session this morning

Almost three hours

First I had surface anisthetic applied to my gums

Then came the huge needle

I hate that part

It stings like nobodies business

There was lots of horrible noises 

And a lot of pulling and pushin and scraping

The noise alone was enough to make me want to run screaming from the room

He then took out my crowns

Which went flying across the room at speed

Next he took impressions of my teeth

It's a scary sight to see myself without the crowns

All that is left of my real teeth are little stumps

Pointy shards of rotting tooth

Next he put the crowns back in

Which took some time

I was so glad when he finally announced that we were finished 

I couldn't take much more

I've had an awful lot of trouble with my teeth over the years

A combination of smoking thirty a day

A drug addiction

Daily rinses of stomach acid

And ten years of methadone have really taken a toll on my poor teeth

I've had so many extractions

That all that's left in the back of my mouth is gum

Given all my teeth have been through

I'm lucky to have any left standing all

So I'm back in a couple of weeks for my final appointment

I'm dreading it already

But it's worth it to have nice white and straight teeth

My dentist is an artist I think

They say in recovery that you should do it for yourself

Get well for yourself

Get clean and sober for yourself

And if you can't do that

Fake it until you make it

When ever I have tried recovery

It's always been to appease others

And maybe that's enough to get clean

But not to stay clean

Which I am learning for myself

So this week

I decided to do a few things to help myself

I went to see my addiction counsellor

I had reflexology done

I went to a meeting yesterday 

And got my teeth done today

And I did all these things for my well being

I did them for my own peace of mind

My own self worth

And it felt good

So yes 

I went to a meting yesterday 

I was glad to see that the creepy man wasn't there

 I was asked to do a reading at the start of the meeting

For some reason this caused me huge anxiety

And at one point I didn't think I could do it 

But I took some deep breathes

Grounded myself

And I was able to continue

The meeting itself was great 

Listening to the readings

And listening to others share

Made me realise that I was in the right place

That I am an addict 

And I need a programme to get well

I'm not sure why 

 But I always fight with myself over going to meetings

A big part of me doesn't want to go

And resents going

But yet when I am there

I have no doubt that I am in the right place

And am around others who are just like me

After the meeting I felt like my battery was charged

Like my fuel tank was full again

And I felt able to go out and face the day

So often I am going around with an empty fuel tank

Running off of fumes

With no energy

Going to a meeting is like a shot of adrenaline in the arm

And it was much needed

My mother and my sister can't in to the living room yesterday

And told me they needed to speak to me

I immediately became anxious

As I had no idea what this was about

It turns out

That my sister is bringing my mother away for a few days to Prague

From Saturday to Thursday

Although my dad will come down for a couple of those days

I'm really glad they are going away

God knows my mother needs a treat

They made it clear that they are trusting me with the house

And if I mess up

There will be consequences

I am determined not to mess this up

I will stick with my clean friends

Go to a meeting or two

And generally keep my head down and out of trouble

This is my chance to prove that I can be trusted

That's all the news from here today

See you on the next post x

This Girl

This girl is Ruby

This girl is 33

This girl lives with her mother and sister

This girl has two dogs

She is the youngest of four

This girl loves to write

To dance

And to swim

She loves her dogs and her family more than anything 

How ever

This girl is flawed

She has made a lot of mistakes

She has come through drug addiction

And anorexia/bulimia

She relapsed recently on drugs

She made many mistakes

Hurt everyone she holds dear to her

She is trying to make it right 

But saying sorry only goes so far

She needs to show people she wants to get back on track

This girl struggles every day 

To stay clean and sober

Not to binge and purge

She battles her demons constantly

Torn between what her addiction wants her to do

And what she wants to do

This girl has always been told that she has potential

But what does that mean?

That she could do something great

Possibly

Maybe 

This girls confidence is perpetually low

Her self esteem is non existent

She needs to be told by others that she is doing ok

Because telling herself isn't enough

This girl is battling self hatred

She never knew it was possible to hate herself so much

She thinks she is a bad person

She is convinced that she is nothing more than a manipulative devious addict

Recent events have proved this theory right

This girl hates her body too

She thinks she is over weight

Even though the scales tell her otherwise 

This girl is paralysed by fear

Crippled by anxiety

This girl is on many meds

Sometimes she feels they are the only things holding her together 

For a long time this girl wanted to disappear

She didn't care if she lived or died

But now this girl wants to live

She wants to survive

She wants to experience love and laughter and joy

She wants to move on with her life

She doesn't want to be reliant on drugs for the rest of her life

She wants to pursue her education

She wants to work

She wants to have a social life

Friends

A boyfriend

This girl wants to help others through her own experiences

She wants to use her past as a motivator to get well

This girl wants to be a good person 

She wants to be better in every area of her life

She is hopeful

She is positive

She is taking baby steps every day

This girl believes in a better life 

So much for a break.......

I know I said I was taking a break

Or a possible break

But then I realised that this is one of the only outlets I have to vent about this

I need to write about it

I need to make sense of it

As much as I can 

I think it's fair to say that the drugs are now out of my system

I feel like I am back to myself

And I don't look like death warmed up anymore

However 

I feel like I am on the verge of withdrawal 

I'm yawning constantly

My eyes are streaming 

And my nose is running

I hope it doesn't get any worse

As I really can't handle it at the moment

It's bad enough the mental torture I am going through

But to add physical symptoms to that isn't too much for one girl 

My family are on high alert

And the eye is on me

I think back to Saturday

And it's like a bad dream

My mother is the most gentlest kindest person you could meet

She rarely gets angry 

But man

She lost it with me at the weekend

I haven't seen her that upset since I was using years ago

And it was a shock to see it

It really hit home how serious this all is

I've always worried that I am a bad person

I really do t want to be a bad person

I want to be good and honest and decent

But the truth is

When I am using

I am a bad person 

When I am using 

The drug is the only thing that matters

When I am using

Any loyalty or love goes out the window

When I am using

I lie

I cheat

I steal

I manipulate

I become everything that I loathe

It's time to take a good hard look at myself

And decide what kind of person I want to be

This isn't my first rodeo

I know what I need to do

But knowing it and doing it

Are two completely different things 

I can talk the talk

But can I walk the walk?

As you know

For the longest time 

I didn't want to live

I was planning on disappearing

I wasn't actively seeking death

But I welcomed it

I had a passive death wish

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

But in the last year

Things have changed for me

And for the better

I now can say that I want to live

I want to be alive

I want to love

And laugh and experience everything that life has to offer

To use

Is to choose to stay in deaths waiting room

It's the same with an eating disorder

It's a slow suicide

And I don't want that for me or my family anymore

I want to live

On Monday

My counsellor Breda told me to fake it til I make it

To good through the motions

Until it becomes real for me

Good advice I think

In other news 

I had reflexology done yesterday

It was amazing

So gentle and relaxing

And it was nice to do something good for myself

To help with my well being

Alternative therapy is part of my counselling

And it only costs me €5 per session

Usually it would cost €40

So that is great

Also today 

I am seven months smoke free

And it feels so good

So am trying

Trying to get back on track

To rebuild the trust with my family 

To get and stay clean

To go to meetings and take part

To be a better person

A better daughter

Sister 

Auntie

And friend

I know it will take time

And I need to be patient 

And do the next right thing

Thank you for your comments, emails and texts 

They mean more than you will ever know

Possible Break

I've been thinking

About this blog

And wondering whether or not is a help or a hindrance at the moment

Don't get me wrong

Most of the time my blog is a force for good

But at times like this 

When I am struggling and

And when things are not going well

I wonder if I shouldn't be focusing on my real life 

And mending relationships here 

I've managed to hurt a lot of people recently

People I care about

And have a lot of time for

I think I may even have lost a couple of people forever 

Which breaks my heart

Something which bothers me some

Is that my blog stats shoot up whenever something goes wrong in my life

And I write about it here 

I'm wondering why that is

And why misery is more popular that happiness

So I am thinking of taking a break from blogging

I'm not sure yet if I will

But I think it may be a good idea 

While I put things right in my life and relationships

And I have a lot of that to do

So if I am not around

That is why

In the mean time

Take care of yourselves

Stay safe 

Be kind to you 

All my love, 

Ruby x