A weighty issue....

I just spent about 45 minutes trying to take a flattering photograph of myself

To post here on my blog

I put on make up

Tried on different clothes

Put my hair up

Took it down

Straightened it

Tried different poses

Smiling

Frowning 

Pouting

But no matter what I did

In my eyes

I looked like a beached whale

I actually hated the way I looked

And it reduced me to tears

I finally gave up

Certain that no matter what I did

I would still be a fat girl with wonky teeth and lines around her mouth and eyes

I won't lie to you

Since I stopped using

My food issues are spinning out of control

I'm binging and purging like it's going out of fashion 

And am hating every second of it

When I am binging and purging one of two things happens

I either lose a lot of weight very quickly

Or I gain a lot of weight very quickly

Unfortunately for me

The latter is happening 

And I've gained 5 pounds in the last week

5 pounds may not sound like a lot

And of course it could be a fluctuation

But to me

It might as well be 50 pounds

It is bothering me that much 

I weigh myself every morning

And that little number that shows up has the power to ruin or make my day

That number dictates my self worth

Self esteem

And confidence for that whole day

That number can send me shooting into euphoria

Or spiralling down in to depression

I hate that it has so much power over me

But it does

I might be perfectly fine 

Mood stable

Feeling good in myself

Then I step on the scale

And my whole world comes crashing down

I shit you not

Because the scales is in my bedroom

Members of my family come in to weigh themselves from time to time

My other sister was down on Sunday

And she asked me if she could weigh herself

I accompanied her down to my room

As I am always fascinated to watch others weigh in

For me weighing is an intensely personal thing

I do it alone

And the only other person who I would let see was Mary

Of course I also like to watch others weigh

As I compare my number to their number

So my sister and I went down to my room

She removed her boots

And stood on the scale

I hope she won't mind me revealing her weight 

She was 142 pounds

She stands at about 5'2

I was fascinated to watch her reaction

According to her she had gained about 10 pounds since the last time she weighed

She was a bit disappointed

But she didn't let it get to her

She said she knew she had gained

As her clothes felt tighter recently

But five minutes after she had weighed

She had forgotten all about it

And got on with her day

My other sister is the same

She weighs herself in my room from time to time 

Just to keep track of it

And again the number makes little or no difference to her

She sees the number 

She may feel a bit happier or a bit disappointed momentarily

But then she moves on

And gets on with her day

How I would love to be like that

I just ran over to my neighbour 

To tell her I would walk her dog in a while

I mentioned that I am going to have reflexology done today

She seemed interested in it

So I was explaining that my counsellor referred me to it

My neighbour asked me how I am doing

And I told her I am good for the most part

She told me that I look great

Compared to what I looked like 18months ago

I thanked her 

But it's still hard to accept compliments

I know people are kind

And want to acknowledge my getting better

Their heart is in the right place 

I understand that

But I still find comments about my weight hard to take

Maube in time that will improve

But I guess it's still early days for me

My Dad has been staying with me for that last few days

While my Mum and sister are away

He has noticed the binging and purging

And mentions it sometimes

A lot of the time 

I am not even aware of it

I'm on auto pilot 

Matching from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over and over again

It's constant

Non stop

And it's exhausting

Soul destroying

Relentless

I hate it so much

And yet I can't stop

Breda tell me that I have been referred back to Mary

Although I haven't heard anything yet

I don't know if I mentioned it

But Mary has been reinstated to her job of ED therapist 

Which is just awesome!

So hopefully I will hear from her soon

As I really need the extra support right now 

I turn 34 this year

That means I've clocked up 16 years in the midst of this illness

Almost half my life

And my self worth has been intrinsically linked to my appearance and weight in all that time

It's not that I want to go back to being underweight

I really don't want to go back down that road

Where I was sick and miserable and emaciated

Been there 

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

I want to be healthy

I was to be strong and fit and able

I want to look like my age

But I also want to feel good in my own skin

I want to be able to walk down the street and not burst in to tears when I catch my reflection in a window

I want to be able to look in the mirror and think

Hey, you look ok

I want to be confident when someone takes out a camera to take a photo

And I want to look at that photo and not want to die inside

I just want to be ok to be me

And to look like me

You know?

So yes

I'm about 5 pounds heavier than I would like to be

Not a huge amount

But enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable 

I'm not going on a diet 

Or anything like it

But I am going to be mindful of what I am eating

And try to make healthy choices

On the other hand

I guess I could try to accept these 5 pounds

I could try to love them the way I'm trying to love the rest of me

I am still in the lower range of healthy

So maybe I can afford to carry 5 extra pounds

And maybe I will lose them as quickly as I gained them

 

And anyway

Us ladies are under a lot of pressure to be thin

And to look perfect

Imperfection just isn't tolerated 

Ads on tv are all about trying to make us feel inadequate 

So we will buy that anti ageing cream

Or that lash volumizing mascara

The advertisers like to keep us in a state of insecurity 

So we will buy whatever it is they are selling

And the thing is

The people who love us

Will love us no matter what we look like

No matter what dress size we are 

And no matter what we weigh

I know i don't judge people by how they look 

So why do I think others judge me?

Today I will accept the extra five pounds that clings to my body

I will hold my head up high

And walk with confidence

I will do my best to love myself

And to be kind to myself

God knows I've hated myself for long enough

It's time to call a truce on my body

It's time to let bygones be bygones

To forgive and move on

To let go of all that hate that I've held on to for so long 

And to rock

And make the most of what I've got

Are you with me ladies?

For today

Just for today

Let's stop hating and bullying ourselves 

Let's be ourselves

And feel beautiful in our own skin 

I'm tired of hating on myself 

Are you?

Where is everyone?

Is it just me or is blogger deathly quiet at the moment 

Hardly any blogs show up on my reader now adays 

And it seems that more and more people are abandoning their blogs 

I hope and pray this is because they have got well

Because they don't need this support anyore

I hope it's because they are now living a full and rich life and don't need this outlet anymore

I hope it's because they finally told their EDs to fox trot Oscar

In other words to f#*k right off

I'm wondering is it blogger?

Is blogger yesterday's news?

Have people move on to something else?

Wordpress?

Tumble?

Instagram? 

Twitter?

Blogger is the only social media I really use

I'm not a big Facebooker

Never have been

But blogger means a lot to me

Next month I'll be blogging three years

That is great for me

As I am a person that tends to start things with great enthusiasm

And usually gives up when I get bored

But blogger keeps me coming back

Mainly because of you wonderful ladies

I've followed some of your stories for years

I genuinely care and worry about you all

And you mean a lot to me

We are all now part of each other's stories

We're woven in to the tapestry of each other's lives

Even if blogger is old news

I still want to be part of it

It seems people want to see photos more than they want to read text

It's easy to post a photo

A picture tells a thousand words and all that

But here in our little corner of blogger

We are all about the story

We keep up with each other's lives

Our ups and downs

Our highs and lows

Our progress and our setbacks

It's important for me to keep up with what's happening on your lives

And I still think about bloggers who aren't around any more

And wonder how they are

My sister and my Dad and I 

We're having a conversation the other day about the Internet

And whether having online relationships are good for us or not

My dad made the point that people don't talk face to face anymore

That people text ot email rather than having a face to face conversation 

Or a phone all

And that the art of conversation is being lost

For me 

It's all about balance

Having my virtual life and giving time to it

While at the same time

Not neglecting my real life relationships

Nurturing both 

I mean

I still think it's amazing that we can be in touch with people all around the world

That we can be best friends with someone that we have never even met

I am in contact daily with people from the four corners of the earth

That is pretty awesome

So what can we do to make sure our little community survives?

First I think it's important to acknowledge that for a lot of us

Blogger is the only social interaction we have

Blogger is literally a life saver for a lot of us

I know when I was up to my neck in my ED

Blogger saved my sanity countless times

So I think it's important we preserve what we have

I guess what we can do is keep supporting each other

Read each other's blogs

Comment

Stay in touch through text or email

And also welcome new people in

I know that I can be wary of new people 

But I guess we were all new once

So we should really be open to new bloggers joining our community

I know that a lot of people think what we have here is no where near that healthy

That we are 'Pro-ana'

And we don't encourage each other to recover 

We do of course encourage each other to choose recovery

But we don't force it on each other

If someone decides that they don't want to recover

We respect that choice

While still encouraging the person to stay as well and as safe as possible

We don't promote EDs

We don't condone tips and tricks

We genuinely care about each other

And want nothing but the best for each other

I for one am extremely grateful for this community

And for each and everyone of you

Who all have a place in my heart 

I have never met any of you

And may never meet you

But you have been for me for the last three years

You have seen me at my worst

At my lowest

And you never once judged me 

Especially after my most recent relapse

You all were there for me

Even those of you that I hurt

You never gave up on me

And I will be eternally grateful for that

I was wondering about you

Do you think blogger is quiet at the moment?

Why do you think that is?

Do you think there is anything we can do to preserve our community?

Do you think it is worth saving?

I'd love to know what you think......

Stats

I check my statistics from time to time

To see if anyone is reading my blog

And so see which posts get the most hits

This blog gets anywhere from 300 - 1000

views a day

I have no idea if this is a lot

Or a little

Or if it's average

It's nice to know that people read

But sometimes it can be a bit disconcerting knowing that this many people are reading my words 

The aim of my blog is to tell the truth about what it's like to live with addiction and disordered eating 

And I do so as honestly as I can

I love writing this blog

And it wouldn't bother me much of I had one view a day

Or a million views a day

It's a hobby

Something I do every day

It's not part of my routine

And I really would be lost without it

I was wondering about you

And your blog 

What are your statistics like?

Do you check them often?

Does it bother you if they are low or High?

Do they spike after a particular post?

Would you mind if someone you knew read your blog?

I'd love to know.....

Life on life's terms

And boy have I had some storms to deal with recently
My life has been turned upside down in the past few weeks
My world has been rocked
I thought that I was doing ok
Coating along
Not using
Not critically underweight
But now I can see that I was just treading water
I was like a ticking time bomb
It was only a matter of time before I exploded
The Boy was the catalyst
But the wasn't the cause
It could have been anything
It just happened to be him

Despite the devastation
And the destruction that this recent relapse caused
And there was a lot of it
Some good things did come out of it
I am now back at meetings
Which is a huge step for me
If you have been reading for a while
You will know that I have been trying to get to a meeting for years
I also found out who my real friends are
Some people ran for the hills when it came out that I had used
Others rallied around me
And I am eternally grateful for that

I am one week clean today
I know that is a pitiful amount of time
But it marks the first steps of my recovery
Recovery from all mind altering substances
I  now see that I can't use
Anything
Be it alcohol
Or speed
Or cocaine
Or heroin
Or poppy freakin' tea
They are all a no go area for me
Maybe some people can use re-creationally
And still maintain a normal life
And function
But I sure as shit can't
I know that for sure now
I've always been an all or nothing person
There are no half measures with me
That's just the way I am
And I have to accept that
My self will has been running riot recently
And I left a trail of destruction in my wake
I want to be a better person
I don't want to be the person that I have been for the last few weeks
That is not the real me
Drugs turn me in to  a person that I don;t even recognize
And that is truly scary

I heard someone say this as a meeting recently

Give time, time

In other words
Things take time
Gaining back trust takes time
Becoming a better person takes time
Staying clean and sober takes time
Those three words mean a lot

So it is onwards and upwards
No looking back
No feeling sorry for myself
Time to dust myself off
And stand up as the person I want to be
Fake it til you make right?
I think so.......

Mothers Day

Usually I spend Mothering Sunday with my Mum

Usually I make her breakfast in bed 

Give her gifts

And bring her out for lunch

However 

This year is different 

This year my sister brought my mum to Prague for a few days

They arrived yesterday

And are living it up in a beautiful suite in a stunning hotel

I'm so glad that mum got to go away

God knows she deserves a break

So I am at home

Not home alone though

My Dad has come to keep me company for a few days

And of course Honey and Lea are never far from my side

I made my Dad dinner yesterday

Italian beef stew

I'm always meaning to post some recipes here

I can make a few dishes well

Taught to me by my sister who is an amazing cook

Anyway

I will get around to it at some stage 

So my Dad and I are spending quality time together

And are making dinner for my other sister and my nephew

Who are coming down later

Mother's Day reminds me how lucky I am

To have a mum that stood by me through everything we have been through

It reminds me to thank my lucky stars that I have a strong, kind and selfless mother

I have put my mother through more than any one person should have to take

Through my rebellious teenage years

Through my drug fuelled twenties

And of course through the eating disordered years

Which are still going on to a certain extent

Yes

I have broke my mothers heart more times than I care to remember

She has given me endless second chances

More than I deserved

So thank you Mum

For being there

And for knowing when to turn your back

For holding my hand through everything

For never giving up hope on me

For believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself

For carrying me when I couldn't walk

For loving me when I didn't love myself

For being strong when I was weak

Thank you

I'm doing my level best to get back on track

I've planned my week with things to keep me occupied

Unfortunately

Because I am getting my using under control 

My ED behaviours seem to be spinning out of control

Purging has increased some

I'm weighing multiple times a day

Although my weight seems to be staying stable

Fluctuating a kilo or so either side

I don't know if I am happy at the Wright I'm at

I mean

It's fine

It's ok

It's not fantastic 

I don't feel super good or confident

But I can accept it

And maybe that's enough for now

Maybe this is as good as it gets for me

After the dentist last Friday

I went to Rivet Island for a look

I found a lovely navy and white striped dress

With pockets and a tulip skirt

I took in a size 8 and a size 10

The 8 fit me perfectly

And I really liked it

I didn't buy it though

Not like me I know

But I think I am going to go back and buy it tomorrow

I will post photos too

Two of my crowns came out when o was eating chocolate yesterday

I bought some polygrip to try and secure them back in 

But that didn't work too well 

So it's back to the dentist tomorrow

To get them cemented back in

Pain in the buttocks 

But it has to be done

Anyway

I'm off to make dinner

See you on the next post.....

Weather forecast

To give us all a break from the drama that is my life

I thought I would write about something completely different today

As you know

I live in Ireland 

The west coast of Ireland to be a bit more precise 

I've lived in Ireland my whole life 

And there is one topic of conversation that is talked about more than anything else

More than the state of the worlds economy

More than any of the wars that are going on

More than any murders, rapes or kidnappings 

What is this subject I hear you ask?

Well 

As you might have guessed

It's the weather

We love to talk about the weather in this country

And we get great mileage out of it

It's talked about everywhere you go

With your neighbours

With shopkeepers

With people you pass when you're out for your morning walk

Oh yes 

We love to chat about the weather

Ireland is pretty well known for its weather

Especially rain

Rain is a common occurrence here

But the thing about this country is

You have to be prepared for every eventuality

It is not uncommon to have rain, wind, sunshine, hail and snow

All in the same 24 hours

So if you are heading out for the day

You really need to be prepared

And should really bring rain gear

Fleeces 

A heavy coat

And shorts and a t- shirt

Just in case

You would think that living in this country all year round

That we would be well prepared for all the weather we get

But we're not

You can always tell a tourist in this country

As they will be dressed weather appropriate

You can always spot an Irish person too

As they will be the one wearing a t-shirt in a storm

Or high heels in snow

Every so often we get extreme weather

Like bad storm

Or heavy snowfall 

You would think that we would be prepared for this

But no

Oh no

The slightest flurry of snow

And the whole country comes to a stand still

Roads are closed

Schools are shut down 

And people don't venture outside their front door

This is when preparation comes in handy

So for all you doomsday preppers  out there

Now is the time to break out your supplies

I was in my local store yesterday 

I was queueing up at the till 

There was a storm brewing outside

And there were about three people ahead of me in the line

The girl at the till had the exact same conversation with all the people before me

Girl: The weather is shocking today

Customer no 1: Oh I know it's desperate

Girl: The weather is tight today

Customer no 2: Absolutely

Girl: it's a miserable day today

Customer no 3: Absolutely

But more than talking about the weather

We Irish love to complain about the weather

We give out yards when the weather is bad

But secretly we are delighted as it gives us a great opportunity to complain

I've been to other countries

And no where I've  been do people talk about the weather as much as we do here

Why is that?

I'm not so sure

Maybe because we get such a variety of weather 

Maybe because the weather determined our day somewhat

What ever the reason

Talking about the weather is part of our culture

And when all other topics of conversation run out

The weather is always there 

Teething issues

As you know

I'm in the process of getting new teeth

Last August I had temporary crowns put in

They were replaced in December

And I'm now waiting to get permanent ones

I had an appointment this morning to take impressions of my teeth

My dentist is so funny

He's always telling me how great it is that I'm getting new teeth

And how he's getting 'great satisfaction' out of my case

It was a marathon session this morning

Almost three hours

First I had surface anisthetic applied to my gums

Then came the huge needle

I hate that part

It stings like nobodies business

There was lots of horrible noises 

And a lot of pulling and pushin and scraping

The noise alone was enough to make me want to run screaming from the room

He then took out my crowns

Which went flying across the room at speed

Next he took impressions of my teeth

It's a scary sight to see myself without the crowns

All that is left of my real teeth are little stumps

Pointy shards of rotting tooth

Next he put the crowns back in

Which took some time

I was so glad when he finally announced that we were finished 

I couldn't take much more

I've had an awful lot of trouble with my teeth over the years

A combination of smoking thirty a day

A drug addiction

Daily rinses of stomach acid

And ten years of methadone have really taken a toll on my poor teeth

I've had so many extractions

That all that's left in the back of my mouth is gum

Given all my teeth have been through

I'm lucky to have any left standing all

So I'm back in a couple of weeks for my final appointment

I'm dreading it already

But it's worth it to have nice white and straight teeth

My dentist is an artist I think

They say in recovery that you should do it for yourself

Get well for yourself

Get clean and sober for yourself

And if you can't do that

Fake it until you make it

When ever I have tried recovery

It's always been to appease others

And maybe that's enough to get clean

But not to stay clean

Which I am learning for myself

So this week

I decided to do a few things to help myself

I went to see my addiction counsellor

I had reflexology done

I went to a meeting yesterday 

And got my teeth done today

And I did all these things for my well being

I did them for my own peace of mind

My own self worth

And it felt good

So yes 

I went to a meting yesterday 

I was glad to see that the creepy man wasn't there

 I was asked to do a reading at the start of the meeting

For some reason this caused me huge anxiety

And at one point I didn't think I could do it 

But I took some deep breathes

Grounded myself

And I was able to continue

The meeting itself was great 

Listening to the readings

And listening to others share

Made me realise that I was in the right place

That I am an addict 

And I need a programme to get well

I'm not sure why 

 But I always fight with myself over going to meetings

A big part of me doesn't want to go

And resents going

But yet when I am there

I have no doubt that I am in the right place

And am around others who are just like me

After the meeting I felt like my battery was charged

Like my fuel tank was full again

And I felt able to go out and face the day

So often I am going around with an empty fuel tank

Running off of fumes

With no energy

Going to a meeting is like a shot of adrenaline in the arm

And it was much needed

My mother and my sister can't in to the living room yesterday

And told me they needed to speak to me

I immediately became anxious

As I had no idea what this was about

It turns out

That my sister is bringing my mother away for a few days to Prague

From Saturday to Thursday

Although my dad will come down for a couple of those days

I'm really glad they are going away

God knows my mother needs a treat

They made it clear that they are trusting me with the house

And if I mess up

There will be consequences

I am determined not to mess this up

I will stick with my clean friends

Go to a meeting or two

And generally keep my head down and out of trouble

This is my chance to prove that I can be trusted

That's all the news from here today

See you on the next post x