Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out

90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think

I was due to go to an evening meeting last night

But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 

And I didn't want to drive

So today is Day  3

And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday

Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while

I can already feel the benefits

My mood has lifted

I'm not craving a drink or drugs 

My head is clearer

The committee isn't as loud

I'm being more sociable

And my family have noticed too

I'm not so moody

Or irritable

Dare I say it

I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news

I am seeing Mary today!

She rang me last week to arrange an appointment

And I am super excited to see her

For those of you that don't know

Mary is my ED therapist

I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut

But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position

And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life

Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen

I've seen many over the years

And most have tried to help

But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today

Which I am not looking forward to

When I last saw her

I was bordering on a healthy weight

But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me

I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight

My weight is stable at a BMI of 20

And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning

For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight

I am ok with it

I'm not ecstatic about

I would love to weight five pounds less

But I accept this weight

And I am not actively trying to change it

But still

It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country

We are known for our drinking

That's a stereotype

But we do as a nation drink a lot

However 

Over the last few years 

Another craze has taken off

And that is fitness

In all forms

Running

Walking 

Jogging 

Cycling

Spinning 

Yoga

Pilates 

Cyclists regularly use our road 

And there are many  MAMILS

( Middle aged men in Lycra)

Now every where you look 

There are people kitted out in running gear

The colourful trainers

Tight black running leggings

Head bands

Hats

And of course headphones

They are everywhere

I see them when I walk my dogs 

When I look out my window

Buying healthy food in the supermarket

Going in to/ coming out of the gym

Oh yes

This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 

Only that I have two dogs

I probably wouldn't walk every day

I tried running a couple of times

And hated every second of it

I don't wear proper work out clothes

And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 

When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans

And my high tops

I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?

I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in

To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers

And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra

I feel the pressure to start jogging

To move more 

And eat less

I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny

Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 

Which is more preferable to bring thin

But there is still pressure to conform 

I definitely feel it

But I know I have to be careful

As my ED can take over

And obsession kicks in

I guess a lot of us have to watch that

It would be nice to find a happy balance

To exercise for enjoyment and health

And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you

Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?

Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?

Do you exercise now?

I'd love to know 

Sobriety?

This comment was left on my blog yesterday

Sobriety? How many mls of methadone are you on again?

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls

And shouldn't give this person any more attention

I should really ignore and move on

I shouldn't let this person get to me

But I have 

And I take issue with this comment

Anonymous I think you know exactly how many mls of methadone I am on

26

I know that technically I am still dependant on a drug

I am also on various other medication

They have all been prescribed to me by my doctor

It's not like I am buying these drugs on the street

And taking them as I see fit

My meds are dispensed daily 

And I don't abuse them in the way that I used to

Methadone seems to polarise people

You either agree with it

Or you don't

Methadone has a bad reputation

It conjures up images of pale vacant junkies

'The walking dead' as one newspaper here called them recently

Methadone means trouble to a lot of people

And like any group of people

There are always some bad eggs

But there are also people like me

People who use it correctly

And are working to come off it completely

I'm not a trouble maker

I don't sell my methadone

Yes I messed up recently

But I am doing my level best to get back on track

Maybe in your eyes I am not clean anonymous

But I am as clean as I can get right now

Yes, I am physically dependant on methadone

But isn't that miles better than being addicted to heroin

Existing in that murky under world of addiction

I'm not committing crimes to get my drug

My life is not chaotic or unmanageable

For the most part I am stable

I am steady

I am doing the best I can

I've been getting quite a few negative and nasty comments recently

It seems that some people are not willing to give me a second chance

Of course when I write a post

I put myself out there for everyone to see

And with the positive

There is also negative

I understand that

And it's ok

Everyone is entitled to their opinion

And freedom of speech

But there is no excuse for smart arse comments

Written anonymously of course

I was wondering about you

Do you ever get nasty comments?

How did you deal with them?

Do you think it's best to ignore them?

Or do you reply to them?

I'd love to know......

Day 2, again

I got to a lunch time meeting today

Technically I am on Day 4 of the 90 day challenge 

But today is only my second meeting

So I am counting it as Day 2

I wasn't particularly looking forward to the meeting

At one stage I wasn't going to go at all

And was going to stay at home and over use my meds

But 

I managed to get off my bony bum

And go to the meeting

There was about 12 there today

A good mixture of people

I still get quite nervous when it's my turn to speak

But today I managed to speak more than I usually would

My ex sponsor was at the meeting

I am thinking of asking her to be my sponsor again

As I definitely need one

I'm really feeling the benefits of going to meetings

It gives me a purpose each day

Something healthy to throw myself in to

My head feels a lot clearer

And the committee is a lot quieter

I feel stronger

More capable and able

More positive and hopeful

Socially it's great too

As I am meeting new people 

And talking to people

All in all

Going back to meetings was one of my better ideas 

So it's onwards and upwards from here

Plenty of meetings 

Seeing my friends

Getting out the front door

And living my life

I also had to do a lot of accepting

Accept that I can't use or drink

At all

Accept that I am an addict

That I have an addictive personality

I've had to accept that I need meetings

But that not every one at the meetings is well

I've had to filter out a lot of the shite that is talked at meetings 

And listen carefully to the people who are healthy and strong in their recovery 

Unfortunately they seem to be in the minority

Anyway

I will keep going

Keep fighting

For a better life

For a future

For peace of mind

And sanity

What is the alternative......?

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day

Any where between 300 - 1000

I look at my statistics and see that people from the four corners of the earth read it

From the U.S. to Australia

From the UK to Singapore 

From Spain to Mexico

However 

I only really know a small percentage of you

And only a small percentage of that actually leave a comment

Of course I know some of you

The regulars you might call them

And I look forward to hearing from you each post

But today I want to reach out to those of you that don't comment

You silent readers

Or lurkers

Whether you read every day

Or drop by from time to time

Whether you have commented before 

Or never commented at all

If you have an eating disorder

Or some other mental illness

If like me you struggle with addiction

Or are trying to maintain your sobriety

If you comment anonymously 

Or use a fake name

If you are lonely

Afraid

If you feel like you are dying inside

Or maybe you are embracing recovery

If you read to relate

Or you read and count your lucky stars you're not like me

Maybe you don't like me

Maybe you are one of those anonymous commenters who gives me a hard time

Whoever you are

And where ever you are from

I Invite you today to come out of the shadows 

And let me know who you are

What your name is

Why you read 

Why you visit my blog

Why you agree or disagree with me

I invite you to introduce yourself

I'd love to meet you......

Day 3

Just to give you an update on the 90 day challenge

It's turning out not to be as straight forward as I thought

Monday is doctor day as you know

I was up early 

And my mum the dogs and I headed in to the surgery

Mum took the dogs for a walk while I went to see my doctor

He asks how I am

I explain that I am doing better

And getting to more meetings

He asks me to do a drug test

Which is no problem as I know I haven't used 

The only reason it will be positive is if there are still reminints of the drug in my system

I retire to the rest room

And do the delicate balancing act of peeing in to a little cup

Thankfully I go with little effort

I clean up

And flush

And head back in to my doctor

He checks it after a minute

It's negative

That's good

That's progress I think

At least now I know I am drug free

The next topic he brings up is that of my methadone reduction

He reminds me we were going to drop it today

I ask if we can wait one more week

He agrees

I am relieved 

I go and collect my meds

And head down to the beach to meet my mum

I take my meds in the car

I am still on daily dispensing

My doctor told me he will change that next week

We head home

And I sleep for a few hours

Mum goes to work at about four 

She tells me I shouldn't go in to town tonight as the weather is due to be bad

I had planned to go to a meeting

And I really wanted to go 

Against my better judgement 

I set off for the meeting at eight

However about 10 minutes later I have to pull in

As it is beginning to sleet

I ring my dad to ask him if the weather was due to get worse

He said it was 

And suggested I turn back

I don't want to

But I know it would be foolish to continue on

So I swing my car around 

And head home

I feel mildly annoyed that I didn't get to my meeting

As I really wanted to do 90 in 90 days

But as my mum said

I did my best to get there

My intentions were good

And I can make up for it during the week

The next meeting is tomorrow lunch time

So I am looking forward to that

I know that sometimes the universe conspires 

And life doesn't turn out the way we want or expect

And that's ok

Shit happens

Tomorrow is a new day

And all I can do is my best 

Stereotype

I was reading an article in the Sunday Times magazine yesterday

It was an exert from a book called The time in between: A memoir of hunger and hope

Written by Nancy Tucker

Who developed anorexia when she was a teenager

The pieces started off with Nancy talking about her need or desire to be perfect

In school

Her work

Her appearance

Her body

I guess the stereotype for an anorectic is a middle class white girl

Privileged 

Prone to perfectionism

A good girl

Although that's not entirely true

The stereotype persists

Nancy developed anorexia at the tender age of twelve

And was locked in a battle of wills either parents for the next few years

She was hospitalised

Dropped out of school

Her whole world became about avoiding eating

She just wanted to be thin

But of course anorexia becomes something else entirely

A prison 

A locked box that is nigh impossible to break out of

When Nancy was 15

She stopped eating completely

A single morsel didn't pass her lips for 93 days

She came to the realisation that she was going to die if something didn't change

She wanted to recover like 'the homeless want three inches of snow'

But she she knew she needed to

If she wanted to live

Slowly Nancy began to recover

She regained weight

And got her life back

She describes recovery as 'an up and down, hop-skip-jump progression and once you reach the finish line the referee will inform you that in fact - surprise! There is no finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling, getting back up and crumbling now. There is only today'.

This article was a fascinating read

I could identify with some parts

Some parts I couldn't 

I don't fit neatly in to the diagnosis of anorexia

I was never the 'good girl'

The high achiever

The perfectionist

I was always pushing the boundaries

Seeing how far I could go

I guess in the early years of my illness

I was strictly anorectic 

But even then it wasn't straight forward

I was addicted to drugs

And so wasn't aware of my ED for the first few years

And over time

I developed bulimia alongside it

Complicating things further

Bulimia is the antithesis of anorexia

As I always say

If anorexia is cold and silent and aloof

The bulimia is loud and brash and on your face

Anorexia is all about denial 

Restriction 

Punishment

Bulimia is all about indulging

Over indulging

Trying to flip that hole in the soul

Then purging the body of the excess

They are opposites

But on the same spectrum

Both serve the same purpose

To numb

To escape 

To hurt

And they do that job well

I guess I am a mixture of anorexia and bulimia

I swing between the two

And could display behaviours of either on a given day 

Take yesterday

I didn't eat anything for about 20 hours

But this morning

It's only 11am

And I've already eaten crisps and chocolate 

Like I say

It's one extreme or the other

Recovery is a tentative word at the moment

I'm as well as I can be

I haven't used in two weeks 

But my meds are still a bit all over the place

This week I am thinking of giving my meds to a family member to dole out to me every day

Just while I get back on track

As for my ED

As I said 

I think this is as good as it gets for me right now

My weight is stable

But the purging persists

Some days I might purge once

Some days it could be five times

But this is a vast improvement 

I think back to 18 months ago

I was out of control

Smoking 30 cigarettes a day

And spending €100 euro on them

That left me with about €90 for the week

And that went on binge food

This is also part of the reason I used to shoplift

Some thing I haven't done in a long time now thankfully

I spent my days binging and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

Endlessly marching the March of an active bulimic

Ovet working the toilet

To the point of breaking it on two occasions 

I was a mess

I am now just a year in to my recovery

My mood has improved dramatically

My anxiety is under control for the most part

My health is infinitely better

Both mentally and physically

My quality of life is so much better

And now my addiction recovery has started

It's sad that it took a relapse for me to finally see I needed help

But

It takes what it takes

Now I feel like I am on the right path

I feel motivated and positive and hopeful

I feel like I have a shot at having a good life

A sober life

Today is Day 3 of my challenge 

I'm hoping to get to a meeting tonight

And I'm feeling nervous already 

All I can go is my best 

That is enough

I say my doctor this morning

He drug tested me

And my urine is now negative for everything

That feels good 

Now I know the drugs have left my body

And I can concentrate on getting on with the rest of my life

I was wondering about you

Do you fit the stereotype for anorexia or bulimia?

What do you identify as ED wise?

Do you think the stereotype for anorexia is accurate?

I'd love to know what you think......

Day 2

So it's Day 2

And I still feel excited about the 90 day challenge 

I woke early

Determined again to stay busy again so the committee it my head wouldn't talk me out of going

Physically I'm not feeling great

As I have my period

I had to drag my weary body out of bed this morning

But I'm so glad I did

I had to leave my sister at the bus stop

As she is going away for a few days

Then walked Honey and Lea

Came home

Quick cuppa

Got changed

And set off to collect Marie

We arrived at the venue

I had butterflies in my tummy

I hadn't been to this meeting in years

And was nervous to say the least

We went in and took our seats

I watched the people coming in

Some I recognised 

Some I didn't 

I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak

I just didn't have the courage or confidence

For those of you that don't know

It goes like this

Someone opens the meeting

And reads the preamble 

And the steps

Then someone else does 'The top table'

Which means they share their story of addiction and recovery

It's always great to listen to these speakers

It was just what I needed to hear today

One by one

Everyone spoke

Until it was just me left 

I was so nervous

But somehow I got the words out

My name is Ruby 

And I'm an addict

I haven't said those words in such a long time

But they are so true

I am an addict

A recovering addict

I spoke briefly about how I had just returned to meetings after a relapse

And that I was very grateful to have made it back in to the rooms

Relatively unscathed

When I had finished speaking

The woman next to me 

Reached over and took my hand

I was really touched

All in all

The meeting lasted two hours

Which is unusually long

But it did the trick

As it always does

And reminded me why I need the rooms

And the people in them

Tomorrow will be my first evening meeting

Which will be harder to get to I think

As I will have all day to deal with my crazy head

And the argument back and forth of whether I should or shouldn't go

But

I'll deal with that tomorrow

For now

I'm going for another walk in the sunshine

And enjoy the rest of my day

Below is my calendar for keeping track of my days

A doggy one of course

2 down

88 to go