The jockey

I was listening to the radio the other day

There was a jockey being interviewed 

He had just raced in the Grand National

For anyone that doesn't know

The Grand National is a horse race that happens every year

It's very prestigious 

And also very dangerous

As there are so many horses

There are often many casualties

Anyway

This jockey was speaking

The interviewer was female

And I was wondering if she was going to ask him about his weight 

As that would be the first question I asked him

And she did

She asked him what his competing weight was

He told her that he was 5'10

And weight a certain weight

I quickly worked out my weight in comparison to his

And came to the conclusion that he weighed less than me for his height

This really disturbed me

The thought that I weighed more than a man

I know that jockeys are like boxers

In that they strictly control their weight for competing

And they are probably not the healthiest people in the world 

But still

I couldn't get the though out of my Head

I guess you could say that this massively triggered me

I have been struggling with restriction anyway

And this has just added fuel to the fire

I'm going long periods of time without eating

And getting a great kick out of having an empty belly

Seeing the numbers on the scale go down is also addictive

I badly need to reign myself in

My behaviours are all over the place

I'm seeing Mary next week

And I guess that is playing on my mind too

I know she will weigh me

And I am dreading it

I guess sometimes I still feel the need to live up or down to the label of anorectic 

Plus I hate being weighed 

I hate knowing my own weight

And more than that

I hate anyone else knowing my weight

To me it is such a personal thing

So to have an audience is beyond difficult

I wish the professionals wouldn't be so reliant on what the scale says

I mean

Can't they go by what I tell them?

Or how I present?

We are told do often that weight doesn't matter when it comes to EDs

But clearly it does

Because otherwise we wouldn't be weighed so much

For the first few years of my ED

I never weighed myself

It never even occurred to me

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me that the number started to matter

It seemed important to them

So it became important to me

I've gained weight since I last saw Mary

That it is no secret

I realise that I am a healthy weight

With a BMI of 20

But still

I am worried about what she will think of me

Even though rationally I know she will be nothing but happy for me

I'm still worried 

I can feel that I've lost weight

I can feel it in my stomach

And I can see it in my legs

God forgive me for enjoying that

The scale is my friend now

Because the numbers are going down

For so long they went the other way

And the scale was my nemesis 

But I wish it didn't matter either way

Sans nail

Busy day today

Walk dogs - check

Reflexology - check

Meeting - check

Sun shower - check

Get toe nail removed - check

The toe nail was the big one

It was so hard and thick 

That there was only one thing for it

It had to go

So today was the day

I arrived at the doctors at three

The nurse took me to the surgery

And chatted about this and that as she prepared for the doctor

It took him an age to appear

But he finally did

He is very much in demand don't you know

First it was the anaesthetic 

They warned me that this was the worst part

They weren't wrong

He had to inject directly in to my toe

Beside the bone

No less than four times

I hid my face in my hands 

And cursed like a sailor

It hurt like a mother f.....

I was then left to my own devices 

Until the anaesthetic worked its magic

I was well bored

I looked around the room

Inspected the implements on the table beside me

And generally wished that the whole palava was over

My doctor came back

And this time he had a friend

Another younger doctor

Who wanted to observe

Excellent

Now I had a freakin' audience

The doctor took a tool called a divider 

And began to work under the nail

I had to watch

I had to see what was going on

But then it was suggested that I don't look

So I lay back in the couch

And prayed for no pain

Unfortunately 

I could feel every thing

And told him so

Cue more anaesthetic 

And more waiting

This always happens to me

I seem to need double the anaesthetic that a normal person needs

It always happens in the dentist too

As my mother says 

I must be becoming immune to drugs

The doctor returned

And we began again

I could feel pressure

It wasn't sore as such

But just knowing what he was doing was enough to make me squirm

It must have taken him about ten minutes to pride off the nail

But it felt like an eternity

Finally I looked down

And it was done

Nail removed 

Operation over

Oh the relief 

The sweet relief

It felt so hop to have it over and done with

The doctor left

And the nurse applied a bandage

It all looked very neat and tidy

And I was one satisfied customer

I hobbled out to the waiting room 

Where my sister was waiting for me

We collected our respective meds 

And headed home

I got straight in to my pyjamas

And made a hot cup of sweet tea

It was a difficult day

But a good one 

10 years

Both Honey and Lea both turned ten recently

And we also celebrated 10 years living in this house

Which also means it is 10 years since I first went in to treatment

Which means it is 10 years since I first dipped my toe in to the pond of recovery

In some ways it's felt like forever

But in others it has gone by in the blink of an eye

So much has happened

So many ups and downs 

Highs and lows

But the important thing is that I made it through it 

We made it through it

Here are some photos of my best girls today

Ana's return

You know that game 

Where you use a little hammer to hit the heads that pop up

And as soon as you hit one down

Another one pops up somewhere else

That is exactly what my life feels like right now

Let me explain

I have what they call 'dual addiction'

In that I battle both substance abuse

And an eating disorder

But you already knew that

Since the age of 18

I have bounced between the two

When one is under control

The other spins out of control

For instance 

When I was using a few weeks

My ED was in the background

As drugs dominated my every waking moment

It's not that my ED had gone away

It was just lying dormant 

And was bound to erupt at some point

Then

I managed to get my using under control

And hey presto

What do ya know?

My ED returneth 

At first it was purging 

My old friend bulimia was back in town

All re-charged after a rest

She meant business

But along with bulimia

The negative thinking

And the madness returned

I could feel it seeping in to my body and mind

Like a poison working its way through my system

I just couldn't handle it 

So I went to the other extreme

And stopped eating

At first it was like a game

To see how long I could go without eating

10 hours

24 hours

36 hours

I wanted to see how far I could push it

But every action has a consequence

And usually restriction like this ends up in an almighty binge

The taste of food after a fast can go one of two ways

It can either taste amazing

Or make you feel sick to your stomach

And you never can tell until you eat it

After every binge

The restriction starts a fresh

New game 

New player

Let's see if we can beat our last score

Fasting for me is actually hellish

I spend the whole time arguing in my head about whether to eat or not

Sometimes it feels like I am going mad

Going insane

Maybe I have already

I don't know

My weight is down a few pounds 

Nothing to worry about 

But I need to get on top of this

Before I fall head first down the rabbit hole

Which we all know can happen in the blink of an eye

I'm also struggling with meetings 

I haven't been to one in two days now

But I am determined to get back on track

To get back to a meeting a day

Every road has its bumps

And I am hoping that is all this is 

8 months

I am delighted and proud 

To tell you all

That I am 8 months smoke free today!

After almost 20 years of smoking 30 a day

I finally gave up last August 

While I was away in London

I think I can now officially call myself a non smoker

I loved smoking 

Loved every thing about it

At regular intervals through out the day

I used to make myself a cup of tea

And take 5 minutes out for a cigarette

Those minutes were precious

I did my best thinking at this time 

Cigarettes punctuated my life

And for a long time 

I had no desire to give up

Even though I was spending €100 a week on them

And was constantly broke

I loved them too much to give them up

And of course I believed the myth that if you give up smoking

Then you gain a lot of weight

I wasn't going to chance it

I wish I could say that I gave up for health reasons 

I didn't 

I gave up because I could no longer afford them

That was the only reason

If I were rich

I would definitely still be smoking

Last August 

My uncle went to Turkey 

And brought me back two cartons of my favourite brand

I decided that when they were gone

Then I would give up

I smoked my head off for the next two weeks 

And thoroughly enjoyed every one of them

Then 

One Monday morning 

At 10 30am

I found myself with my last cigarette

I waited until I was dying for it

Then I went out to the garden

Settled on the bench 

With a cup of tea

And my book

Conditions had to be perfect for my last one

I lit the cigarette

And inhaled deeply

I drank in every bit of it

And all too soon it was over 

I smoked it right down to the butt

And said my goodbyes as I extinguished it

That was it

My love affair with cigarettes was over

Since that morning

I haven't looked back

Haven't even wanted to

I made up my mind that I was going to quit 

And when I put my mind to something

I really give it my all

Ive heard it said 

That cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin

Just to set the record straight

That is uter horse shit

Heroin is by far the hardest thing I have ever given up

Don't get me wrong

Giving up smoking is tricky

But with heroin you have the double whammy of being both physically and mentally addicted

At least with smoking there are no physical withdrawals

It's more a mental thing

Today is a good day

It shows me that I can achieve when I put my mind to it

That I can overcome the obstacles in my life

It is possible to succeed at the goals we set ourselves 

Today is a good day 

Tantastic

In an effort to make myself feel a little better about the whole summer thing

I've taken to working on my tan

The weather here is starting to improve

So there is no need for knits and fleeces any more

Which is a shame because I love wrapping up on cold winter days

The one thing that I hate about summer 

Is the fact that less clothes are necessary

But I always feel better about myself if I have a colour

So I signed up for 100 minutes in the sun shower of my local leisure centre

I've already used 45 minutes in 3 days

As you know

I don't do things by halves 

The other reason I was dreading summer

Was because of my toe

This tie has given me no end of trouble over the years

What with in grown nails 

Growing in the wrong direction

And generally not doing what a big toe is supposed to do

After years of hiding my toes 

And pretending there is nothing wrong with it

I finally showed my doctor said toe on Tursday

He took one look at it

And said it would have to come off

The nail that is 

Not the toe

Even though the whole procedure sounds horrific

I am actually glad that something is finally being done about it 

At last I will be able to get all my toes out and not scare small children with its grossness

I would show you a photo of said toe

But I don't want to put you off your breakfast

In recovery 

You hear a lot about self care

Looking after yourself

Mentally

Physically

And spiritually

In the midst of addiction or an ED

Self care is not high on your list of priorities

You are generally too busy trying to kill your self 

They also say that you need to be a bit selfish

And put yourself first

This does not come very easily for me

As I am a natural people pleaser

I want to please people

I want to be liked

And I want people to think well of me

But this can back fire

As people pleasers can be rather annoying

But I am starting to look after myself

By getting my teeth done

Getting my toe done

Going to meetings

Going to therapy

Keeping my side of the street clean as it were 

Taking care of myself is a new phenomenon 

I spent years abusing myself

I didn't care about me or my health

I can remember being down in my sisters house

She would always have supplements and vitamins and health aids out on the counter

I remember thinking why would you bother?

What is the point?

But now I can see that she was taking care of her health

And that is great

I'm just not quite there yet

My body image changes from day to day

From minute to minute

Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror 

And I think I look grotesque

Other times I see something that approaches ok

 My weight is holding steady

Fluctuating a kilo either way

If I am honest

I would love to be 5 pounds lighter

But I know it's a dangerous game yo think like that

My BMI is stable at about 20

Just about healthy 

And I am ok with that

I am trying to do little things to help me feel better about my body

The tanning

Wearing pretty and comfortable clothes

Exercising 

Doing my hair

My nails 

All these things make me feel a little bit better

I was wondering about you

How is your body image?

What do you do to improve your body image?

Are you like me and find summer difficult?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Are you addicted?

Yesterday was the first time in forever that I missed a day posting 

I did try to

But the blogger app on my phone wasn't playing ball

So it didn't happen

But anyway

On to todays topic

I was at a meeting last night

It's my sisters home group

So I called in to her on the way

And we went together

It was an AA meeting

And there was quite a big crowd there

My friend was there 

The guy who has an ED

He slept through the whole meeting

But who am I to judge 

I've often done the same myself

There was a woman doing the top table 

And she shared her experience of addiction and recovery

I was delighted to see a woman doing it

As more often than not it is a man

And boy do men love to talk

Especially when they have a captive audience

I have seen men speak for a full hour when they are given the chance

So I was glad to get a female perspective

The speaker was great

I could identify a lot

She spoke about how she has other addictions too

I could really relate to that

After the meeting 

The woman told me a bit about herself

And mentioned that she had a shopping addiction

And that she had nearly gone bankrupt she was spending so much money

This sounded very familiar

It sounded just like me!

When I got home

I was thinking about how I think it's possible for me to get addicted to anything

I just have that type of personality

Where if I get a good feeling off of something

Or it numbs me 

Or gives me a buzz

Or it takes me out of my head

And away from myself

Then there is a good chance that I will go back for it again and again

Despite the destruction it causes

So we all know I was addicted to drink and drugs

And that I have an eating disorder

Very common addictions

But what else am I addicted to?

I remember doing a post on this back a couple of years ago

So this is an update on that

As my list has changed done

The number one offender has to be methadone 

I'm now ten years on a methadone programme

And I am well and truly addicted to it

Mentally 

Physically

Psychologically 

Every freakin' way

The first thing I do every morning is take my methadone

My life revolves around it

I have a routine of going to the doctor and pharmacy every Monday morning

And then collecting the methadone every few days

It has become such a big part of my life

Part of me

Of who I am 

It is being reduced though

Albeit very slowly

And I am putting up some resistance

It was reduced this week

Just by 2 mls

But it's still a big deal

Any change is a big deal

Then I have my other meds

Two anti depressants

And anti anxiety meds

I am pretty dependant on these too

Although they are not physically addictive

To me they are addictive

I would really miss them if I did not have them

One huge thing that has changed on my addiction list is cigarettes 

I was a confirmed and passionate smoker for almost twenty years

I loved smoking 

The first one of the morning was always my favourite

I was quite a heavy smoker

Thirty a day 

Which was costing me €100 a week

So last August

While I was away in London

On the morning of the 11th

At about 10 30am

I smoked my last one

And haven't had one since 

It's now been eight months 

And I haven't looked back

I am now officially 

A non smoker

But of course when I get one addiction under control

Another one always pops up

Cue shopping addiction

When I gave up smoking

I found that I had some extra money at the end of the week

But instead of saving it like a normal human being

I elected to spend it

Now it seems like when I get money in to my hand 

I feel compelled to spend it

It's only just out of the ATM

And I am handing it over in a shop

Or spending it in line

On line shopping has become quite the hobby for me

And I have to admit 

I get a great thrill out of it

Trawling the Internet for new clothes

Finding something that I just have to have

Clicking the 'Buy now' button

Getting the email that tells me my order has been successfully placed

Then the email to tell me that my order has been shipped

Oh the excitement of it all is too much!

Knowing that there is a parcel on its way to me

And then when it finally arrives

I am almost beside myself 

When the post man rings the door bell

And I open the door to a big juicy package

I sign for it

And take the package in to my arms

Cradling it like it is a new born baby

Then tearing in to it

To find the treasures inside

I take out the items

And my life now feels complete

Now that I have this shirt/skirt/scarf

I never need to shop again 

My wardrobe is also complete

But of course

That buzz wears off quite quickly

Soon the item you just couldn't live without 

Becomes just another piece of clothes

Like every other piece you own

That's when I'm drawn back in

And I find myself searching the Internet once more....

I their addictions which feature in my life to a greater or lesser extent are as followings

In no particular order

Tea

Hot sweet tea

If I am at home 

Then I have a cup of tea in my hand

I am constantly boiling the kettle 

And it drives my family nuts

I just love tea

It's warm 

it's comforting 

I used to enjoy a cup of tea and a smoke 

Now I just enjoy the tea

Over and over again

My phone

Since I got my first iPhone

( yes I was a latecomer to this world)

I am pretty much addicted to it

I used to look at my sister 

Who was constantly glued to her iPhone

And wonder what was so interesting

Now I know 

Now I know the wonder that is the phone

I am coverted

I tend to go through phases of being addicted to different foods

Right now it's white chocolate

More specifically Milkybars

I crave it the way I used to crave heroin

Honestly 

The craving is that strong

I have been known to drive miles out of my way to get my precious Milkybars

I remember a few years ago it used to be Drifter bars

One day before I learned to drive

I had my mother drive all over the place looking for these bars

Nothing else would do

I ate then like they were going out of fashion

And then they did

So I had to find something else to fixate on

Sweeteners

As many cups of tea I drink a day

I use three sweeteners in each cup

These don't be long adding up

And I'm sure they are bad for me

But since when did that stop me?

Tv

I am a tv addict

Especially food shows

Like Come dine with me

Masterchef

My kitchen rules

I also love a good box set 

Like Breaking Bad

The next one I'm going to watch is Better call Saul

Can't wait to get stuck in to that one

That's all I can think of right now

I guess it's enough 

I was wondering about you 

Are you addicted to anything?

Are you like me and have an addictive personality?

I'd love to know

Are you addicted?