The weighting game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last night

I go through periods of recording my weight

Although sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weight

I tend to only record it if it's going down 

As you know

It was around this time last year that I began to regain weight

It happened quite suddenly and quickly

But I didn't feel too bad about it

That was until I kept getting bigger

And my weight hit an all time high around September

I was really uncomfortable

I felt so big and cumbersome

And I don't think it suited me at all

Some people can carry a bit of extra weight

But my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable 

I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this time

The weather was amazing

And I wore a dress

I can remember feeling so self conscious

I hated my new curvy shape

It was also around this time that I gave up smoking

And I know I was eating more to fill the hole

Then as suddenly as I put in on

I began to lose it again

And lost almost twenty pounds

I was back weighing myself every day

Back obsessing about the number

I was bordering on a healthy weight

And I actually felt ok in my skin

Recently I put back on a few pounds

And wasn't feeling great about it

That's when I began to restrict again

I hadn't restricted in years

Thought I couldn't do it any more

But it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours 

Like a comfortable pair of slippers

My weight is back down to a BMI of 19

Nothing to worry about 

Yet

I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospital

It's bearable

It's manageable

I feel ok in my clothes

I think back to when I was 20 pounds heavier

And I don't know how I tolerated it

It's such a horrible feeling 

When your clothes begin to feel tight

When you are spilling out of them

When all your favourite clothes are too small

It's soul destroying 

And the thing is

When your weight is at a healthy point

People assume that because you look ok

Then you must be ok

And you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorder

The only thing that's changed is the number on the scale

You don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your body

It's a miserable place to be

The ideal thing now 

Would be to maintain this weight

I feel something approaching ok at this weight

I know that I ned to address the restriction 

Before it gets out of hand

When my mum came back from work this week

She commented that I looked like I had lost weight

My ED was overjoyed to hear this

And added fuel to the fire that is my disorder

I know I need to put the brakes on now

And not hurtle head first down the rabbit hole

I've come too far to let that happen again

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in this position?

When you regained weight

Was it all over the place like money?

Do let me know....

Tramadol test

I was at a meeting this week

Where I was talking about anxiety

I'm really struggling with it at the moment

And it is driving me nuts

It affects everything I do

And makes seemingly simple tasks impossible

Anxiety is a horrible thing

It's why so many people think they are having a heart attack

When they are in fact having an anxiety attack

I guess they are both similar

They both affect the breathing 

Tight chest

Pain

Panic

Fear

It can be a terrifying experience

So I was at this meeting

My anxiety wasn't too bad that day

And I even managed to read out the daily reading 

Usually I can't read in public at all 

When I was finished speaking

One of the men began to share

He said he was wondering why I read out the reading so fast

But now realised it was due to anxiety

Later on he suggested that I try Tramadol for my anxiety

I knew what Tranadol was

It's a morphine based pain killer

I remember when I was in hospital with pancreatitis 

Tramadol was the first thing they gave me

It didn't work at the time

Anyway

I was chatting with my friend after the meeting

She told me not to listen to the man

That he was not well

I left the meeting

And thought no more about it

During the week

My neighbour asked me if I would look after her dog for a few days

As she was going away

I said I would

So I've been over and back to the house

Feeding the dog

And bringing him for walks

I decided to sit with him for a while last night in the kitchen

I was watching tv

Minding my own business

When I spotted some blisters of meds on the table

My curiosity was pricked

And I turned the pack over to see what they were

And wouldn't ya know it

They were Tramadol

I had a huge urge to take a couple

I must have sat staring at them for ages

I had the dog on my lap 

And I kept thinking

Just one

One won't hurt

She won't even notice

At one point 

I picked up the pack

And was so close to taking a couple

But some how

I managed to resist 

I figured that my neighbour had trusted me with the key of her house

And left me in charge of her dog

How low would it be to steal her meds?

This woman was recently widowed 

And the last thing she needs is her greedy addict next door neighbour helping herself to her meds

I got home and breathed a sigh of relief

I can't lie

I was very close to taking those tablets

It was temptation in pill form 

I'm just so glad I didn't take them

And it's because I have gotten stronger over the last month

That I can resist

It's because I have been going to meetings

Because I am working a programme

Because I want to do the right thing

Because I want to get well

Because I want to be a good person

Tramadol test passed...... 

Looking after #1

When I was in the midst of my addiction and ED

I didn't care about myself

Or my health

I was too busy self destructing

And generally trying to kill myself

My health or well being just Nevet cane in to it

I didn't care about my teeth

It skin

Or hair 

Or nails

Drugs occupied my every waking moment

It was always a race to keep the sickness at bay

And I was always playing catch up

Even before my addiction and ED

I didn't give my health a second thought

I didn't like myself very much

So I didn't look after myself

As I didn't really see the point

I didn't think I was worth the trouble 

I didn't think I was worth the effort

During the worst of my ED

I denied myself basic human rights

Food and water

I starved

And binged

And purged

I did everything I could to hurt myself

I was so disconnected from my body

And what it needed

I didn't know how to care for myself

It felt so foreign

So wrong 

Hurting myself became normal

It's only really in the last year that I have started looking after myself

Last February

I was just out of treatment

Having been discharged after failing to gain weight

My weight was low

My mood was lower

I feared for my sanity and for my future

To cut a long story short

I did what I call a half hearted over dose

And took a weeks meds one evening

Thankfully all it did was put me in to a deep sleep

And I woke up the next day

I didn't tell anyone about the overdose

But then when I saw Mary the next week

I found myself telling her

She jumped in to action immediately

And gave me a choice

I could either present at the local psychiatric hospital

Or wait and see my doctor the next day

I chose the latter

And promised Mary I would be safe until then

I saw my doctor the next day

Mary had filled him in about what had happened 

I don't remember much about that appointment

Other than he changed my meds

And started me on Prozac 

All I could do then was hope and pray and wait for the drugs to work

Thankfully they did work

And my mood began to lift

And my anxiety lessened

It wasn't really a conscious thing

But I began to gain weight

As I gained the weight

I started to feel so much better

Life became easier

I could tolerate being me for the first time in a long time

Also my binging and purging became a lot more manageable 

I had been purging up to twenty times a day

It was killing me

It was such a relief to finally be free

Well almost free from bulimia

As I began to recover 

But by bit I started to take care of myself

Personal hygiene

Which really sufferers during my addiction

I started to take pride in my appearance again

Doing my hair and wearing nice clothes

Life was getting better

Years of being on methadone

Had really taken its toll on my teeth

Do last August I began the process of improving them

I found a brilliant dentist

Who gave me seven new crowns

Which drastically improved my teeth

And just two weeks ago

He finished them

And they now look a million times better

I had been so self conscious about them

And they really affected my confidence

It was a big decision to get them done

A big commitment

Especially financially 

It was a long and painful process

But they are now done

And I couldn't be more pleased with them

My teeth were the first thing to tackle

Then it was time to address my feet

As I explained on Tuesday

One of my big toe nails needed to come off

As it was beyond saving

I've had a problem with this toe for years

And kept putting it off yo do something

But I finally got it done this week

And it is such a relief to have it done

The next thing on my agenda

Is to get my eyes tested

My eyes are really failing at a rapid rate 

And I think I need glasses

I'm actually looking forward to getting them

As I think they can look really cool with the right pair

These are all things that I am doing for myself 

Looking after myself 

My body

My mind 

My spirit 

This is something of a revelation for me 

For such a long time it didn't matter

I didn't matter

It's a good feeling to be kind to myself

Because it's about time I began taking care of myself 

And putting myself and my mental and physical health first

Because without them

I have nothing

The jockey

I was listening to the radio the other day

There was a jockey being interviewed 

He had just raced in the Grand National

For anyone that doesn't know

The Grand National is a horse race that happens every year

It's very prestigious 

And also very dangerous

As there are so many horses

There are often many casualties

Anyway

This jockey was speaking

The interviewer was female

And I was wondering if she was going to ask him about his weight 

As that would be the first question I asked him

And she did

She asked him what his competing weight was

He told her that he was 5'10

And weight a certain weight

I quickly worked out my weight in comparison to his

And came to the conclusion that he weighed less than me for his height

This really disturbed me

The thought that I weighed more than a man

I know that jockeys are like boxers

In that they strictly control their weight for competing

And they are probably not the healthiest people in the world 

But still

I couldn't get the though out of my Head

I guess you could say that this massively triggered me

I have been struggling with restriction anyway

And this has just added fuel to the fire

I'm going long periods of time without eating

And getting a great kick out of having an empty belly

Seeing the numbers on the scale go down is also addictive

I badly need to reign myself in

My behaviours are all over the place

I'm seeing Mary next week

And I guess that is playing on my mind too

I know she will weigh me

And I am dreading it

I guess sometimes I still feel the need to live up or down to the label of anorectic 

Plus I hate being weighed 

I hate knowing my own weight

And more than that

I hate anyone else knowing my weight

To me it is such a personal thing

So to have an audience is beyond difficult

I wish the professionals wouldn't be so reliant on what the scale says

I mean

Can't they go by what I tell them?

Or how I present?

We are told do often that weight doesn't matter when it comes to EDs

But clearly it does

Because otherwise we wouldn't be weighed so much

For the first few years of my ED

I never weighed myself

It never even occurred to me

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me that the number started to matter

It seemed important to them

So it became important to me

I've gained weight since I last saw Mary

That it is no secret

I realise that I am a healthy weight

With a BMI of 20

But still

I am worried about what she will think of me

Even though rationally I know she will be nothing but happy for me

I'm still worried 

I can feel that I've lost weight

I can feel it in my stomach

And I can see it in my legs

God forgive me for enjoying that

The scale is my friend now

Because the numbers are going down

For so long they went the other way

And the scale was my nemesis 

But I wish it didn't matter either way

Sans nail

Busy day today

Walk dogs - check

Reflexology - check

Meeting - check

Sun shower - check

Get toe nail removed - check

The toe nail was the big one

It was so hard and thick 

That there was only one thing for it

It had to go

So today was the day

I arrived at the doctors at three

The nurse took me to the surgery

And chatted about this and that as she prepared for the doctor

It took him an age to appear

But he finally did

He is very much in demand don't you know

First it was the anaesthetic 

They warned me that this was the worst part

They weren't wrong

He had to inject directly in to my toe

Beside the bone

No less than four times

I hid my face in my hands 

And cursed like a sailor

It hurt like a mother f.....

I was then left to my own devices 

Until the anaesthetic worked its magic

I was well bored

I looked around the room

Inspected the implements on the table beside me

And generally wished that the whole palava was over

My doctor came back

And this time he had a friend

Another younger doctor

Who wanted to observe

Excellent

Now I had a freakin' audience

The doctor took a tool called a divider 

And began to work under the nail

I had to watch

I had to see what was going on

But then it was suggested that I don't look

So I lay back in the couch

And prayed for no pain

Unfortunately 

I could feel every thing

And told him so

Cue more anaesthetic 

And more waiting

This always happens to me

I seem to need double the anaesthetic that a normal person needs

It always happens in the dentist too

As my mother says 

I must be becoming immune to drugs

The doctor returned

And we began again

I could feel pressure

It wasn't sore as such

But just knowing what he was doing was enough to make me squirm

It must have taken him about ten minutes to pride off the nail

But it felt like an eternity

Finally I looked down

And it was done

Nail removed 

Operation over

Oh the relief 

The sweet relief

It felt so hop to have it over and done with

The doctor left

And the nurse applied a bandage

It all looked very neat and tidy

And I was one satisfied customer

I hobbled out to the waiting room 

Where my sister was waiting for me

We collected our respective meds 

And headed home

I got straight in to my pyjamas

And made a hot cup of sweet tea

It was a difficult day

But a good one 

10 years

Both Honey and Lea both turned ten recently

And we also celebrated 10 years living in this house

Which also means it is 10 years since I first went in to treatment

Which means it is 10 years since I first dipped my toe in to the pond of recovery

In some ways it's felt like forever

But in others it has gone by in the blink of an eye

So much has happened

So many ups and downs 

Highs and lows

But the important thing is that I made it through it 

We made it through it

Here are some photos of my best girls today

Ana's return

You know that game 

Where you use a little hammer to hit the heads that pop up

And as soon as you hit one down

Another one pops up somewhere else

That is exactly what my life feels like right now

Let me explain

I have what they call 'dual addiction'

In that I battle both substance abuse

And an eating disorder

But you already knew that

Since the age of 18

I have bounced between the two

When one is under control

The other spins out of control

For instance 

When I was using a few weeks

My ED was in the background

As drugs dominated my every waking moment

It's not that my ED had gone away

It was just lying dormant 

And was bound to erupt at some point

Then

I managed to get my using under control

And hey presto

What do ya know?

My ED returneth 

At first it was purging 

My old friend bulimia was back in town

All re-charged after a rest

She meant business

But along with bulimia

The negative thinking

And the madness returned

I could feel it seeping in to my body and mind

Like a poison working its way through my system

I just couldn't handle it 

So I went to the other extreme

And stopped eating

At first it was like a game

To see how long I could go without eating

10 hours

24 hours

36 hours

I wanted to see how far I could push it

But every action has a consequence

And usually restriction like this ends up in an almighty binge

The taste of food after a fast can go one of two ways

It can either taste amazing

Or make you feel sick to your stomach

And you never can tell until you eat it

After every binge

The restriction starts a fresh

New game 

New player

Let's see if we can beat our last score

Fasting for me is actually hellish

I spend the whole time arguing in my head about whether to eat or not

Sometimes it feels like I am going mad

Going insane

Maybe I have already

I don't know

My weight is down a few pounds 

Nothing to worry about 

But I need to get on top of this

Before I fall head first down the rabbit hole

Which we all know can happen in the blink of an eye

I'm also struggling with meetings 

I haven't been to one in two days now

But I am determined to get back on track

To get back to a meeting a day

Every road has its bumps

And I am hoping that is all this is