Torn

I still haven't gone to a meeting since Wednesday 

Although my head has settled down some

I still feel a bit all over the place

I've talked it over with many people 

One of them being my sister who is also in recovery

It was great to talk to her

As she has a touch of paranoia too

She advised me to keep going to meetings

And I will

I just need a break for a couple of days

I'm not naive 

I know the world

And meetings don't revolve around me

I know that most people are busy thinking about themselves

And aren't plotting against me 

But I still can't shake these feelings I get

Maybe I am hyper sensitive

I don't know 

All I know is that I can't live like this

I don't want to live like this

After almost 15 years of addiction and disordered eating

My confidence has been knocked out of me

And my self esteem is non existent

I am struggling to find them again

To find myself

My self hatred is having a party right now

And all the usual suspects are invited

Depression

Anxiety who is the life and soul of my self hatred party

Self loathing

Fear

Oh yes

They are partying hard

I guess I've always felt like I don't quite fit in

That I am different to others

Unlikeable

Unlovable

Awkward 

Anti social

It's a horrible feeling

And my thoughts always go straight to ending it all

I feel like I am a bad person

That everything I touch turns to shit

That I hurt people 

Even though I don't mean

It still happens

I need to sort my head out 

Pronto

I need to get back on track

And go to my meetings 

Despite who does or doesn't like me

This is my recovery

I need to be well for me and my family

I have my friends

I don't need to please everyone

Or kill myself trying to do so

I need to do what is right for me

I try to be a good person

I really do

But lately I can't seem to do anything right

I wish I could just switch off for a couple of day

My head really can't handle this

The wreckage

My head has been well and truly wrecked for the last two days

Ever since that meeting on Wednesday

I still don't know if I am being paranoid

If I am imagining things

Or if what I think happened really happened

Either way is not a good result

Either I am inventing false scenarios in my head

Or I am too sensitive

Or meetings really are a hostile place

Neither outcome is a good one

I've talked it over with a few people

My sister suggested that I don't put pressure on myself

And maybe take a break from meetings for a few days

I was supposed to go to a couple yesterday

But backed out

Just couldn't face it

I guess I could go and not speak

Which is probably what I will do 

When I go back

I just don't know when that will be

I won't stay away too long

Just long enough to get my head together 

I was thinking as I was walking my dogs this morning

About how much weight I put in what others think of me

And I hate that

I would love to be more like my sister

And not give a flying fuck what people think about me

I would love to go through life saying exactly what I want to say

Doing what I want to do

And caring in the slightest what anyone thought

How freeing that would be

And also anxiety

Anxiety is killing me at the moment

There are certain safe things I do everyday

But outside of that

I am a ball of nerves 

And I can't handle it

I just can't handle it!

I was so tempted to text The Boy yesterday

I just wanted to call out to him

Drink poppy tea to my hearts content

And talk shite for a few hours

I came close 

But I didn't 

The consequences are too severe

But I have to admit 

I did overuse my meds today

Is that the same thing?

I'm not quite sure

All I know 

Is that I need a break

My head needs a break

I need to check off the planet for a while

Have a day off of life

I want to sleep 

Sleep until it all doesn't matter anymore

The thing is though

We only have one life

One chance at this thing we call living

What is the point in tip-toeing through it

Afraid

Shy 

Timid

Fearful

Walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat

Who cares if we rock the boat?

Rocking the boat is fun!

Rock on I say!

But If only I could just do it

Instead of talking about it

In my family

I am very gregarious and outspoken

But in real life I am a timid little mouse

And I don't want to be a mouse

I just want all this fear and anxiety inside me to turn in to courage and strength and confidence

Confidence

That's another thing that alludes me

I literally have none

Not a jot

Not an iota

Not even a little bit

That sucks major balls!

That's why I love writing 

And hate speaking

With writing

I can get the words out at my own pace

In my own speed and time

With speaking I just get too nervous to say what I want to say

And it inevitably comes out arse ways

So what's a nervous anxious girl to do?

How do you build strength and confidence?

I guess by living life

Experiencing different things 

Education

Hobbies

Work

Friends

Doing new things

Taking risks 

Living a full and varied life

No one said living would be easy

I was wondering about you

How do you think you conquer anxiety and a lack of confidence?

Have you any exercises or tips?

How do you deal with these things?

I would love to know....

 

When the going gets tough.....

It was yesterday

I felt good 

My peace of mind was intact

I had no worries

Nothing on my mind

In the evening 

My friend picked me up

And we headed to a meeting

We chatted and laughed on the way

And arrived at the meeting slightly late

It was an AA meeting

One my sister usually attends

Although she wasn't there last night

We walked in to the room 

It was packed

We grabbed seats where we could

And the meeting started

The was a girl telling her story 

It was really good listening to her

I could identify a lot

The the meeting proper started 

I didn't like the way it was run

The chair person picked people at random to share

So you never knew when your name was going to be called

It sent my anxiety in to over drive

I didn't like it

All of a sudden

My name was called

My heart was thumping in my chest

I wanted to just run out of the room

I began to speak

I could hear the shake in my voice

I was trying to say that I could relate to the speaker when she talked about treatment

And the family days

How I been on both sides of the family day

Both the patient

And the family member 

And how hard that was

But I think when I was speaking it came out arseways

And once I had finished speaking 

I realise that people may have thought I was talking about my sister

When in actual fact I had my dad in mind

And this was my sisters home group

So everyone knew her well there

One by one everyone spoke

A girl at the end shared how she couldn't understand some of the things she heard at meetings

That she had a brother in recovery

And was very close to him

I started to get paranoid that her comment was directed at me

And started to feel really uncomfortable

Again 

I just wanted to run

The meeting finished up 

And cups of tea were made

There were a good few women at the meeting 

And we all gathered to have a chat

In my eyes

Everyone seemed so confident and together

They all seemed perfectly content in themselves

I on the other hand

Felt so out of place

So awkward

I froze 

I couldn't speak

I couldn't join in the conversation

I just sat there

Like the socially inept person that I am

I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes

That old familiar feeling of not fitting in was back

It hit me like a smack in the face

And completely threw me

I started thinking all sorts of paranoid thoughts

These people don't like me

They don't like what I shared 

They'll probably all talk about me when I'm gone

They think I'm a bad person

They hate me

And this went on and on in a loop in my head

We finally left the meeting at 10pm

I was dying to get home 

My friend and I chatted again on the way back to my house

I laughed about how I am a social retard

But then as she pulled in to my drive way

I suddenly felt really sad

And the tears came

My friend was great

She promised me that things would get better

And that she was there for me 

I pulled myself together

But I knew it was just a matter of time before the huge dam  of tears broke again

I hugged my friend 

And she left

I got in to my house 

Stopping in the kitchen to pet the dogs

They never cease to make me feel better

I went on to the living room

My sister was watching The Island

I sat down

And feel apart

Hot fat tears fell from my eyes

Landing on my lap

My sister jumped up to hug me

I told her what had happened 

She told me that I was being paranoid

That everyone loves me

I cried some more

And she sat and soothed me

She wrapped me in a blanket

And made me cups of sweet tea

I began to feel a little better

But as I lay in bed that night

I replayed the evenings events in my head over and over again 

Fighting with myself

Telling myself to shut up

And generally driving myself completely nuts 

It got to the point where I really though I was going mad

It was exhausting

I go to meetings to feel better

And here I was

A complete mess after attending something that is supposed to help me

I felt so confused 

The urge to use was massive

I kept thinking

One phone call 

And I could have sweet oblivion

Numbness

Nothingness

I wanted it so bad

Knowing my two using friends were close by was so tempting

But for some reason

I didn't ring them

And I didn't use

I kind of figured it would just make everything worse

Even if it did temporarily ease my pain

And even more worrying than using

I actually had some very strong suicidal thoughts

The though they I could end my pain was comforting

And the idea of disappearing seemed very attractive

I wondered how much of my meds it would take to kill me 

I actually planned it in my head

But again

I came to the conclusion that that wasn't an option

It might be the end of my pain

But it would open up a world of hurt for my family

I can't do that to them

So I considered my other options?

I could continue on

Keep going to meetings 

Hang in there 

Keep plugging away at recovery

And hopefully my anxiety will lessen

And my confidence will grow

Hopefully 

So I made a deal with myself

I will give recovery a fair shot for 6 months

And if nothing improves

I can always go back to the drug

The drug will always be there

My recovery might not be

So that's what I'm going to do

Also I think I'm going to stay silent at meetings got the next while

I just get too anxious and worked up about the whole speaking thing

So I'm not going to

I guess this is all part of recovery

But it really sucks!

I just want to be well now!

I want to be confident now!

I want to be anxiety free now!

But these things take time

And I know I need to actively work on them 

But flippin' heck

I am losing the will to live over here

Literally 

I'm just really tired 

Tired of fighting

Tired of this uphill battle

I just hope the view at the top is worth it.....

3 Years

My blog is three years old today

It's hard to believe

Time goes past so quickly

I can remember three years ago like it was yesterday

I had been reading blogs for some time

And saw that there was a great little community here on blogger

I wanted to be part of it 

I was so entrenched in my illness

So lonely

Depressed

Anxious 

Afraid

I rarely left the house

But as much as I was afraid of living my life

I craved to be around others like me

I was welcomed in to this community with open arms

It was a safe place to come and be honest

Without fear of being judged

While I was in midst of my illness

I was accepted 

And there was no pressure to recover

I was knee deep in my disorder for the first two years of my blogging

Then last year things changed

I had just come out of treatment 

For the umpteenth time 

I felt utterly hopeless

So low

So scared for my future

I ended up overdosing

And I didn't tell anyone 

Until a week later

When I told Mary

She sprang in to action

And I had an appointment with my psychiatrist the next day

He assessd me

And changed my meds

Adding in Prozac

I didn't hold out much hope for the new meds

Ive been on so many different anti depressants over the years

And they rarely work

So I was hoping against hope

However

A couple of weeks after

I began to feel a little better

The fog dissipated 

My depression and anxiety lifted 

And I began to feel hope again

I managed to get my binging and purging under control

That was massive

As I had been purging 10-20 times a day

It was killing me

Slowly but surely 

I began to gain weight

And yes my weight did rise to a place where I wasn't entirely comfortable in my own skin

But now it seems to have settled

And I can live with it

Just about

As time went on

My quality of life improved

I gave up smoking

My relationship with food was better

I started going to meetings 

Which is a huge help

And I generally felt a lot better

About me

My life

My world

Blogging through all of this has been amazing

To have documented every up and down is so awesome

I can read back

And see how far I have come 

Also to share it with you

You all have been a big part of my story

I have met the most amazing kind, caring and thoughtful girls here on blogger

Some of you have been with me from the very beginning

Some are more recent

But you all mean so very much to me

You are true friends

And I am eternally grateful for that

So Happy Birthday dear blog!

Thank you for saving my sanity so many times 

Here's to another 3 years.....

Damage limitation

Thank you all

For your feedback and support after my last post

I guess it was only a matter of time before The Boy reared his head again

I was just coasting along

Happy as Larry

Thinking all was well

And then I got that phone call

It really threw me

Especially knowing that my ex boyfriend is now around too

When I'm out

My heart stops when I see a green jeep

And there are many green jeeps around here

So it makes for interesting times when I'm out and about

Several people contacted me yesterday to tell me to block The Boys number

I keep going to do this 

But something stops me

I guess there is part of me that wants to know that he wants to see me

If that makes sense

It's twisted thinking I know

But then that's me all over

As I said yesterday

I haven't told my sister or my mother

As I don't want to worry them

But in actual fact

My sister read my blog

So she knows

And is doing my head in about it

We had a fight last night

Because I don't want to talk about it

I don't really see the point

I know what I need to do

And I am trying to do it

I saw Breda yesterday

My addiction counsellor

I told her about the phone call

She was helpful

And made some good suggestions

It was good to talk it over with someone who is not directly involved

And can give an objective perspective

She is trying to help me build up my confidence

And self esteem

Back in January

When I relapsed 

I had no resistance against the drug

And when it was put in front of me

I didn't have the strength to say no

But this time 

I have some recovery behind me

I feel stronger

More stable

More secure

I have the capability 

And the strength to say no

And that's down to the work I've done over the last couple of months

It just goes to show

How much the meetings help

Breda asked me how I felt about knowing these two guys were so close by

And what they were doing

I had to admit

It does play on my mind a little bit

Sometimes I go to the dark side

And I start thinking that they're having a great ol' time

Drinking poppy tea

Smoking weed 

And generally getting messed up

And out of their heads

Then I start thinking that I am missing out

Then I start to resent my family

Because they're the reason I can't use

Then I get really angry 

And lash out at my family

I have to keep reminding myself 

Of where I will be if I contact these guys

And use

I have to remember of where that life will bring me

The damage it will cause

The devastation

The heartache

Then I remember that I want a better life for myself

That I want to be clean and sober

I really do

So no

I don't feel like I am missing out

They are the ones who are missing out 

They are missing out on their whole lives

At least I am trying to forge a new life for myself

A better life

And as hard as it is to choose to live in reality

I stand by my decision 

The Boy bites back

It was Saturday evening

I had just had s great day with my mum and sister

We climbed a mountain

Then went for dinner

And I was generally feeling really good

Happy to be alive

Grateful to be clean and sober 

Feeling content

And dare I say it, happy?

We had just come home

I sat with the dogs for a while

Plugged in my phone to charge

And settled down in front of the telly with a cup of tea

I was watching The Cube

When my phone rang

Thinking it was my friend who I had just texted

I jumped up to answer it

I looked at the screen

And to my shock and surprise

Saw it was The Boy

I stared at the phone 

Not knowing what the hell to do

My sister saw my face

And asked me what was wrong

I told her nothing

That it was a private number 

I didn't want to tell her who it really was 

And possibly worry her

Needless to say

I didn't answer it

I sat back down

Feeling shook and anxious

Then my phone pinged a message

I checked it

And it was a voice mail

I dialled 171

And listened to the message

It was him

Asking me to ring him

And also telling me that my ex boyfriend was staying with him for a while

And did I want to meet up

I hung up

And felt stunned

Seconds later my phone pinged again

A text message

Asking me to ring him 

If I wanted 'plenty of tea'

I put the phone down

And tried to process this information

I haven't heard from The Boy in quite a while

So this is really out of the blue

I actually had a physical reaction

My heart was racing

As were my thoughts

I felt shakey and unstable

And I would have killed for a smoke just for something to do

It really unsettles me to know that both The Boy and my ex boyfriend are in my area

Having poppy tea

And probably plenty more besides I'm guessing 

I really don't want to know what they are doing

What drugs are available

I would rather not know

And live in blissful ignorance

It's now Monday

Two days since he rang

I haven't texted or rang him back 

It hasn't even been an option 

I know I can't

I have too much to lose

Things are just getting back to normal after the last debacle

I think my mum would lose her mind if I used again

I don't want her to have to go through that again

We moved up here ten years ago to get away from the drug scene

Yes it was a geographical

And no that's not the answer

But it gave us a chance for a fresh start

And gave us breathing space

And time to heal

But now it seems like my old life is catching up with me

And I don't like it

I don't like it at all

So the plan is damage limitation

I haven't told my mum or my sister 

Maybe I should

But I don't want to worry them

I'm seeing Breda this morning so I will talk to her and hatch a plan

I just really don't need this right now

Things are just starting to turn around for me

Abd this is really a test

A test for my willpower

For my resolve

My will to recover

But I feel pretty sure that I won't use

At least I hope I won't 

Healthline 2015

I just found out yesterday 

That andthenshedisappeared has been voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of the year by Healthline

I was super excited to find this out

As it is the third year in a row that I have recieved this honour

My blog will be 3 years old at the end of this month

And it has been an amazing 3 years

Such a rollercoaster of highs and lows

Ups and downs

Victories and defeats

Tears and laughter

Sadness and joy

I am so glad that I documented the last few years

And I have it to look back on

And see how far I've come

I had been reading blogs for a while before I started my own

The very first blogs o read were

Recovering anorexic over on Wordpress

Who is no longer writing under that name

Lou over at my life with ed, and, Mia

Yummy secrets

And 2Medusa

I was so inspired by these strong ladies

That I decided to start writing myself

My blog started off as something bordering on unhealthy

I wrote about fasting 

And trying to lose weight

But over time 

I began to document my life fighting both addiction and disordered eating

And now it is a lot more recovery based

I started my blog because I craved to be around others like me

In my real life my world had shrunk to just me and my illness

I was desperately lonely

Depressed

Anxious

Writing was the perfect medium for me

As I could get the words out at my own pace

And I found writing much easier than speaking

I soon found a real love for it

And I think my writing is improving all the time

This little community we have here on blogger is unique

When I first started writing 

There was a thriving community here

And there was a real buzz about the place

Over the lay year however

So many bloggers have vanished

I wish I knew what has happened to them

These were the ladies who welcomed me in to this community with open arms

Left heartfelt comments on my blog

And we're there for me through the drama that is my life

I miss them

I hope they are ok

So yea

I am delighted that my blog has been recognised

I feel so passionately about helping others like me

To warn and educate younger kids about the dangers of EDs

To think that my blog helps others truly warns my heart

So thank you Healthline

You have made my day......