The Preparations

The first of the visitors landed today

With more to arrive later on this evening

I am hoofed out of my room for a couple of nights

And will be sleeping on the couch

I got my hair done today 

Which you can see photos of below 

She did a tight curl

So it will hold until tomorrow

And also two thin plaits along the side of my head

Coping wise 

So far so good

And dare I say it

I'm even looking forward to tomorrow night

I've seen the menu 

And my mouth was watering reading it

I already know what I'm going to order 

The slow cooked braised beef

Oh my God

Total food porn

After I got my hair done this morning

I was in the supermarket picking up a few things

I ran in to a woman that I used to know

She is the mother of two girls that used to be in my dance class

We chatted for a couple of minutes

She told me that I look really well

I have to admit

That I still find it really hard to hear that

I know people want to be nice

And want to pay a compliment 

But I can't help but connect the comment to my weight

In that I've put on weight 

Below are some photos of the outfit I am wearing tomorrow

I took so many photos

As nine times out of ten 

I look so very chubby

Round 

Rotund 

I don't like it 

Anyway 

Enough of my bitching about my weight

Here are said photos 

The best of a bad lot.....

Thank you

I want to thank all of you who stood up for me against the anonymous commenter on my blog yesterday

I had written a post about animals

And animal abuse

And was promptly told that I was a hypocrite because I eat meat

I went back and deleted a lot of the post because I didn't want any more comments in the same vein 

Some of you lovely ladies jumped to my defence

And I am so grateful for that

It's no secret that I love animals

And my dogs are my whole world

But I'm also recovering from a life threatening eating disorder 

I am not in the habit of cutting out whiole food groups

As that plays in to my ED

When I was growing up

I thought long and hard about becoming vegetarian 

And was one for a short while

But I was so active 

And wasn't getting enough nutrition from other foods

So I went back to eating meat

It's very easy for an anonymous commenter to say their piece 

They are hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen

Safe on the knowledge that their identity is well guarded secret

It's easy to point the finger

To point out what someone is doing is wrong 

And to say it in a sarcastic and cutting tone

Don't get me wrong 

I'm a big girl

And can handle such comments 

99% of the comments I get are positive, well considered and thoughtful 

It's only the very odd comment that is nasty

And of course it's always written anonymously

I write my blog every day

So I guess I am bound to piss someone off at some point

As a blogger

I put myself out there for the world to see

And to judge

As I move on in recovery

I write less and less about my illness

And more about my life outside my ED

As you know 

I am honest here

More honest than I am in any other area of my life

And I am open to ridicule here

As is any blogger or vlogger 

Or any one who has a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account

People seem to love to take others down a peg or two

And point out what they are doing or saying wrong 

I guess that's life though

You can't please all of the people all of the time

I'm so grateful to have genuine friends here

Who know me

And know that I try my best to be a good and honest person

I don't claim to be a saint

Or anything like one

I make mistakes 

Usually on a daily basis

It's just that my mistakes are posted on the Internet for all and sundry to see

God knows I am far from perfect

And I don't try to be 

I am human 

I am a girl trying to recover from severe addiction and a chronic eating disorder 

Forgive me if I choose to eat 

For a long time I deprived myself of food 

I guess I was a vegetarian by default 

As meat was one of the foods that I avoided 

Now

I choose to have a varied diet

Including meat

And I don't apologise for that 

That does not mean that I can't be an animal lover

Of course I can 

As I wrote yesterday 

I feel a great affinity with animals

More so than with humans a lot of the time

So please anonymous

Don't tell me what is and isn't right for me

Only I can decide that 

This matter has got me thinking about the Internet 

And social media

And how we post so much of our lives online

Everything we do

Everything we eat

Every feeling we feel

Every high

And every low

I am not a huge Facebooker

And don't use Tumblr, Twitter or Instagram

I use my blog to document my life

However 

I am thinking of opening a Twitter account

Just as another facet to my writing

But posting every little thing we do

Is it a good idea?

Sometimes i take an odd look at FB

Some of the stuff on there is interesting, funny or thought provoking

But there is also an awful lot of crap on there 

And you have to sift through a lot of it to get to the good stuff

I blog because I love to write

And I love to have my life documented 

It is such a roller coaster 

And it's nice to have it all recorded

With photos too

I read back over it sometimes 

And it's like reading about someone else

It's very strange 

But amazing also 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you use any other social media?

Why or why not?

Do you think it's healthy to post so much about ourselves?

Why or why not?

Have you ever been the target of abuse from anonymous commenters?

How did you deal with it?

Answers on a postcard please.....

And so it begins....

Today is the start of the celebrations 

My Auntie B arrives today from London

And my sisters girlfriend arrives from Cork

The house has been cleaned to within an inch of its life

Many meals have been made

And I am mentally trying to prepare myself for the activities over the next few days

I just thank my lucky stars that I am in a good place

18 months ago I wouldn't have been able to cope with this 

But now 

I know it's not about me

It's about my Mum

And celebrating her long and successful career in education

Both my parents were teachers before they retired 

My Dad taught french  and history

And my Mum taught English

I credit them for my love of reading and writing 

My sister also works in a school library

And my brother is a writer 

So I guess it's in the blood 

I gave Mum her present today

Just before the visitors arrive

I got her a card 

And a bottle of Dolce, floral drops

Which is a lovely fresh and light perfume

She loved it 

In other news 

Honey and Lea had their yearly check up this morning at the vet

I am delighted to report that they are both fighting fit and well

The only thing the vet mentioned that they are both a little over weight

This is not news to me

Honey is a little chubster 

And Lea is no skinny Minnie either

But I love to feed them

Yes I am a feeder

I show my love for them through food 

I have a certain cupboard that I keep their  treats in

And when honey wants one

She just stands in front of it and barks her head off

I can't lie

They are spoiled rotten 

They have such a lovely life 

They both had such difficult starts in their lives

That I feel I have to give them the best life I possibly can 

I've always been an animal lover

And always felt a certain affinity with them

I am half dreading and half looking forward to the next few days

I have to keep reminding myself 

That this is a celebration of my Mothers life and career 

And I want to make it as special as possible for her

She has been through so much in her life

And has always been an amazing support to me

I wasn't close to her growing up

But after my parents split up

And I became ill

We started to become closer 

And are now very very close

She deserves to be spoiled and pampered

So that's what we will do

1 Year

Today is the 11th of August

Which means at 10 30am

This time 

Exactly one year ago

I smoked my last cigarette

So today is my one year anniversary!

I'm very excited to have reached this milestone 

I was a dedicated smoker for 20 years

I started smoking when I was 13 years old

I was a 30 a day girl

And was spending €100 a week on my precious cigarettes 

Which was more than half of my weekly income 

I was constantly broke when I smoked 

So it's nice now to have a little bit extra money

I know I've written it before 

But let me tell you the story of how I gave up

It was last July

My uncle had brought me home two cartons of cigarettes from Turkey 

I had been thinking about giving up

So I decided I would smoke what I had

And then give up

I timed it so that I would be away in London when I gave up

As I thought it might be a bit easier away from home

So I smoked my way through the two cartons 

I smoked my head off

And enjoyed every one 

All too soon 

I found myself with one cigarette

I saved it until I really really craved it

It was 11 August 

At 10 30am

I went out to the garden with my cigarette and my book

Made a cup of tea

Settled on the bench 

And smoked my last cigarette

I relished it 

Thoroughly enjoyed it

I knew it was my last one

So I took a last drag

Extinguished it

And said my goodbyes 

I had no expectations on how long I would stay off them 

I just took it day by day 

But now 

Here I am a whole year later

And it feels great!

To celebrate

My sister is cooking my favourite dinner 

Which is boeuf bourguignon

So I'm really looking forward to that

My mum and sister left a card and a coaster for me by the kettle this morning

How thoughtful of them

You can see the photos below

Today is a good day 

A day to mark achievements 

I never thought I would be able to give up smoking

But it just goes to show 

That of you put your mind to something 

It can happen 

It really can

32

As usual 

Monday is doctor day

Every Monday 

For the last ten years

I've made my way to my doctors 

To collect my script

Being on methadone

It's mandatory to see your doctor every week

As no more than one week can be dispensed at a time

Methadone is a controlled drug

In that there are strict guidelines around dispensing it

It even has its own special script

Which is more like a form

Also a doctor who wants to dispense methadone has to do a course in order to be licensed to dispense it

I used to have to go to Dublin once a month to see the head doctor of methadone 

But I haven't seen her in years 

Going to Dublin was dodgy for me

As often I would end up using while there

Ten years ago

I started on a dose of 70 mls

Over the years 

I worked my way down to 18mls

It's a slow process 

But I was on my way to coming off it completely 

Then when I was misusing my meds

My doctor increased my dose to 36 mls

Which is double the dose I was on

Over them last couple of months

He has decreased it again

And I am now on 32 mls

I am so bold though

I always put up such a resistance to a reduction

And I know I can be manipulative in doing so

I'm just so afraid to come off it

And I round be happy if I was left on it forever

But

That's not really an option

I'm hoping that I will come to a place where I feel able and strong enough to be methadone free

After I saw my doctor

I saw Breda

Who is my addiction counsellor

I settled in her room

And she comment that she hadn't seen me in a while

Which is true 

I haven't seen her in about six weeks

She said that was far to long to leave it in between appointments 

I filled her in on what has been happening

About my course 

And generally how things are going

I mentioned that I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks 

She said that wasn't like me

And it's not 

But I have noticed over the last couple of months 

That I've pulled back from my supports 

Including my meetings

She said that its really important that I am consistent with my supports

She is right 

I really need to get back on track

Link in with my recovery friends 

Sometimes

When things are going well

I start thinking that I don't need to go to meetings 

Or see my therapist

But the thing I have to remember 

Is that they are the reason that I am doing well

And I need to do the right thing and keep my supports in place

So that's my goal this week

To keep my appointments 

And to get to at least two meetings

I read somewhere that over thinking is the art of creating problems where there are none

I definitely do this a lot

Things are going well for me at the moment 

My mood is stable 

My anxiety is manageable  

My physical and mental health are the best they've been in a long time  

I'm clean and sober 

My ED is somewhat under control 

All in all 

Life is good 

I do my best every day 

Not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I try to be the best person I can be

I am ok 

I. Am. Ok

I just need to remember that 

I made the mistake of weighing myself yesterday 

And almost had a mini meltdown 

It's funny

That little number doesn't have as much power over me as it once had 

18 months if I had seen the number that I did yesterday 

I would have gone from zero to suicidal in seconds 

I would started either binging and purging

Or starving 

And crash dieting 

Disgusted with myself I would say the most horrible things to myself 

Bully myself 

But at the moment

I feel ok

Not amazing 

But not terrible either

I can look in the mirror

Without wanting to smash it

I can wear a bigger size item of clothing 

And accept that I am the way I am 

And that is ok

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be 

Breda commented that my confidence seems to be improving 

I hadn't noticed until she said it

But I think she's right 

My confidence in myself is growing all the time

I'm not so timid  and agreeable 

I'm more sure of myself 

And not apologising for my very existence 

I've always struggled with confidence and self esteem 

So to finally feel good about myself is nothing short of a miracle 

Breda made the comment that I look really well

It's still very hard to accept compliments 

My ED brain still misconstrues it as a negative scenario

I get that people think they are giving a compliment 

They can see that I've improved 

And want to acknowledge it

However

In my mind

When someone tells me that I look well

My thought process goes something like this 

Person: You lookl well Ruby

Public Ruby: Oh thank you!

Private Ruby: Well? Well?

Well equals I've put on weight 

Well means I'm over weight 

Well means I'm fat 

I've chosen my outfit for Saturday

So I will show you during the week

I'm also getting my hair done on Friday

I have a style in mind

And I'm really excited to get it done

It's a busy week

The first of the visitors arrive on Wednesday

I am going to try my best to enjoy it

To participate 

And give my mum a lovely time

After all

She deserves it

So that's it for today folks

Take care

And have a good day

See you on the next post....

Over to you

I've been thinking

You all know so much about me

Every little detail of my life is documented here for all to see

As you know

I am an open book

I write this blog as if no one will ever read it

I don't censor it

Or hide anything 

It just wouldn't feel right if I wasn't been entirely honest

Maybe I'm honest to a fault 

I don't know 

But I don't know any other way to be

I know that sometimes it's not always the right thing to be so honest

And it has landed me in trouble more than once

I lied for a long time when I was using

And no good can come of it

So today I'm wondering about

My wonderful readers 

To come out and introduce yourself 

I know I do a post like this every so often 

But I really do love to hear from you

Of course I know some of you 

And always love to hear from you

But there are so many that I don't know

I look at my stats 

And see readers from countries all over the world 

Today I would love to hear from you

Maybe you are a long term reader who hasn't commented before 

Maybe you read religiously 

Every day

But have never written to me before

Maybe you are a new reader

And have just found this blog

I would love to know about you

Your name 

Where you come from

Why you read 

What your story is 

Maybe you have an eating disorder

Maybe you don't

Maybe you have addiction issues 

Or maybe someone close to you does 

Maybe you're not sure one way or the other

Maybe you are suffering alone

Have no one to talk to

Maybe you suspect you have an ED

And want to know more 

Calling all readers out there 

Get in touch 

Show me who you are 

Be brave 

Be bold 

I would just love to know who is reading this blog

When you started reading 

Why you read 

Maybe you agree with what I write 

Maybe you don't 

Maybe you relate and identify

Maybe you don't

Whatever the reason

I am calling all readers

To get in touch today!

I'll look forward to hearing from you......

Saturday

I woke early this morning

The dogs wanted to go out at 5 30am

I made a cup of tea

And promptly fell back to sleep on the couch

I woke for the second time at about 8am

Usually I bring my Mum breakfast in bed 

But she beat me to it this morning

And made her own

I then heard my sister up

So asked her if she wanted to go for a walk

Quick cuppas

We piled the dogs in to my car 

And set for the nearest beach

We decided to do the cliff walk this morning

For a change 

We had a lovely walk

Then headed to the beach at the other end of town 

Where there is a little stall selling teas and coffees and toasties

The girl there has such a cool little set up

She is from Wales 

And drove over here for the summer season

She has a little trailer

With blackboard menus

Wooden frontage

She even put cushions on the little pillars to sit on 

My sister had a coffee

I had a tea 

And then we took some photos

Here they are....

(I almost didn't post these photos

As I think I look really chubby

I am just hoping that I really do have body dysphoria 

And I don't actually look this way)