Hermit

It seems that I struggling to get out and about

And do my normal daily activities

More and more 

I am refusing invitations to go places

Opting to stay at home

And drift in and out of sleep

I haven't been to a meeting in weeks

I didn't go to my nephews birthday

Didn't go and see his flying lesson 

Missed various trips and meals out

It just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house

What I am doing

Is getting up really early in the morning

Doing everything I need to do 

Like walking the dogs and shopping

Having it all done before 10am

Then heading home

And spending the rest of the day there

Barely moving from my seat on the mat in the living room

I only go from them kitchen to make tea

Frequent trips to the bathroom because of said tea

And back to my mat 

I am literally going around in circles over here

I'm not seeing friends 

I'm spending more and more time alone 

Even speaking less and less

Yesterday we went out for lunch

And I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last day

But oh my God 

What a palava to get out of the house

It was lashing rain 

And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit 

And zone out in front of the TV

But I went 

And tried my best to be sociable

I won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it 

More like endured it

I had no appetite 

And ate very little

And purged what little I did eat

I was just glad to get home 

Put on my pyjamas 

And pretend the world didn't exist 

I don't know what it is 

I mean

My mood is ok

Things should be ok

But as ever  

I  am creating problems where there are none 

I think they call that the art of over thinking

Every time I leave the house 

I just can't wait to get home

I say it's because I want to get back to the dogs

And it is

But it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am in

I just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house

I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many people

The Boy

The Plumber

The Shopkeeper

People I used to use with 

It's like being in a real life computer game 

Avoid the gremlins

And I gain more points

It's just a pain in the ass

I want to be able to go wherever

Whenever I want

I don't want my house to become a prison

I want to want to just be a normal

Oh to be normal

And not batshit crazy

However 

I hear that normal is over rated

So maybe I am better off

I don't know

My doctor is off again this week 

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morning

And will also be seeing her next week

As my doctors day is packed with appointments already

I briefly told her about what's going on

How I'm supposed to be starting a course next month

And I don't know if it's going to happen

Because of my disabity being cut

She wrote me a letter 

Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me 

So now I have two letters 

So hopefully that will do the trick

I had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happen

But now I really want to do it

I mean

What else will I be doing?

I think it will be good for me

I left the doctors with my letter

And headed to the chemist to pick up my meds

Then at 9 30am

I had an appointment with Breda

My addiction counsellor

After going through a stage of cancelling my appointments

I am now making an effort to keep them

I only see Breda every two weeks

And she is really helpful 

Very practical

And very straight which I appreciate

I td her about struggling to leave my house

And not going to meetings 

I described how my problem is actually getting out the front door

Once I am out the door 

And in my car

I am fine

It's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets me

Usually the event itself is fine

And I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place 

She suggested that I make a daily plan

And try and pace myself 

And also go to a meeting as soon as I can

As the longer I leave it

The harder it will be to go back

I also told her about Mums retirement do

And how I had two drinks

I linked that to the stress I felt about making the speech

And even when it was over

I still wasn't out of the woods

She asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress 

I told her that everyone else refused to do it

And I wanted to do it for Mum

Breda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situations

And I know that

It's just really tough sometimes to say no

But all in all 

It was a positive session

Breda told me that I am doing well

And life is getting better for me

There are just a few tweaks I need to make

She asked me how my eating is going

And I was pleased to report that it is going well

I'm not starving or binging

My weight is stable 

Yes, I purge from time to time

But nothing like the way I used to

Breda told me that I look really well

And I was able to take the compliment and thank her

And things are going well ED wise

My weight fluctuates a lot

But I haven't been underweight in over a year

I think back to that time

And the never ending binging and purging

What a miserable existence

I'm surprised that my heart didn't give out

And I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor body

But the great thing is

That I don't hate my body the way that I used to

I am a healthy weight for my age and height

I am curvy

I have boobs and a bum

I can now fill out a pair of jeans

And you know what?

I don't mind it

When I'm in the shower 

I notice my thighs

And they are shapely

Like a grown woman is supposed to me

I don't live it

But I don't hate it either 

I am learning to accept it

And go by how I feel

Rather than what I look like

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymore

This blog started out as an ED blog 

And it will always be one to a certain extent 

But now I have so many other things to write about 

Like life 

And everything it throws at me

It's amazing to not have my ED controlling me

In everything I do

It doesn't dominate my life any more

More and more it's becoming a smart part of my life 

Amen to that 

So yes

I know what I need to do to get back on track

I will do my best to get to a meeting this week

I will make a daily plan

And use my tools to manage stress and anxiety

I have come too far to turn back now

I know that with a little bit of effort

Life could be so much better 

So much more fulfilling 

I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped 

They can also turn around just as quickly

I have the awareness

The knowledge

And the skills and tools to improve myself

I have the ability

I just need to knuckle down and do it

I know that a lot of you are struggling right now

With various different issues

I just want to tell you today to never give up

As long as we are alive

There is hope 

Hope for a better life

For better mental and physical healthy

No matter how low you go

There is always a way back up

I promise you that 

I had written myself off as damaged goods

A failure 

A mistake 

I though I would die young 

Heck, I wanted to die

I couldn't handle life 

Reality

And everything that went with it

I felt so lost 

So alone 

My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me going

My ED was killing me slowly

And I welcomed it

But now 

Now things are so much better

My life has taken a complete 180

And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had been

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

And the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching halt

My quality of life has improve so so much

I think back to a couple of years ago

And I had all but given up

So my message to you today is to keep going

Keep the faith

Keep hoping

And believing

Know that there is a way out

There is life after addiction and mental illness 

And it is a life rich with love, laughter and fun

Don't give up

That's exactly what your ED wants you to do

Don't give in to her

Don't forget that you are a good person

You are worthwhile 

You do matter 

You are special 

So please

Today

Go easy on yourself 

Take some time to be kind to you

To be gentle in you

Because you matter 

I promise you that

Reminders

Every time I smell hairspray

It reminds me of my dancing days

And ballet exams

Spraying and lacquering our hair until it was rock hard

Every time I see tinfoil

It reminds me of smoking black tar heroin

Running the lighter under it

Until it melts and bubbles

And the smoke wafts off it

Every time I eat a raspberry 

I am immediately transported back to my childhood

And the raspberry and red berry bush in our back garden

Never ending sunny days

Lying on the lawn 

With the grass tickling our feet

Every time I'm in Dublin

And I smell the hops from the Guinness store house

It reminds me of my using days

Getting off the bus at Heuston station

Walking by the old hospital

All the way down the quays 

Until we reached Thomas Street

Where we scored 

And went and cooked it up in the flats 

Every time I eat a scone

It reminds of when I lived with my ex-boyfriend

When we didn't have a penny

Because it all went on drugs 

And we made crude buns out of flour and water 

Because we had no other food

Every time I smell chlorine

It reminds me of swimming competitions

Of Lining up to race

And the butterflies in my tummy

Every time I see a green jeep

It reminds me of The Boy

Of driving around

Drinking poppy tea

And drifting in and out of reality

Every time I smell vodka

I'm reminded of the first time I got drunk

When me and my best friend raided her Mothers drinks cabinet

I woke up the next morning in a pool of vomit

We were 14

Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night

It reminds me of the days 

When I was sick from drugs

When my whole body ached

And sleep was an impossibility

Every time I hear the Friends theme tune

It reminds me of the late nineties

Watching my favourite show on a Monday night

Then having to wait a whole week for the next one

Every time I bag up my rubbish bin

It reminds me of the times when my boyfriend and I used to bag up heroin to sell

Then ended up taking it all ourselves 

I was always a greedy addict

Every time I hear the Drake song 'Coming home'

It reminds me of my last stint in treatment

When I heard that song

And wished I was home

There are things everywhere that remind me of my past

Some welcome 

Some not so much

It's amazing the way a smell

Or a taste 

Or a feeling 

Can bring me right back to a place in time

Right back to a child

To an addict

To a teenager

All the lives I have lived

It's hard to be reminded

But I welcome it

I don't want to forget where I've come from

What I've been through

It's taken every experience I've ever had

To get me where I am today

I don't resist it 

I welcome it

Cosmetic surgery, yay or nay?

According to a Glamour body image survey, 97% of women admitted that they have at least one negative thought about their body image every day

Ninety

Seven

Per cent

And men are not immune either

According to the National Eating Disorder   Association, 43% of men are dissatisfied with their bodies

Stark numbers

But honestly

It doesn't surprise me

We are bombarded with so many images of the perfect body every single day

On TV

In magazines

On the Internet

Often bodies that are utterly unattainable for the average person 

It's really no wonder that we have such poor body image 

I was watching a show the other morning

And the topic was cosmetic surgery

There was a 19 year old girl being interviewed

She had her first cosmetic procedure when she was just 18

Filler put in her lips 

They showed before and after photos

To me she looked beautiful before she had the procedure

She said that after she had her lips done

She took over 300 selfies

Trying to take the perfect photo

There was also a cosmetic surgeon being  interviewed 

He said it was common for people to bring in photos of celebrities 

And ask to look just like them

If you ask me 

I am nay in the whole debate

But that's nay for me

I have no problem with anyone else doing it

I just think it's very noticeable when someone has cosmetic surgery

You know that kind of stretched face look

When eyes are pulled up

And there is not a line or wrinkle in sight

The Botox look is especially noticeable

When someone can't move their face

Because they have injected so much of the stuff

I guess if you don't agree with altering your face or body

You could also throw make up and hair dye in to the equation

I have no problem with either of these

They are temporary

They can be removed with relative ease

And they are not invasive 

Unlike cosmetic surgery 

Although I've sufferers badly with body image over the years

I've never hated a part of my body so much that I considered cosmetic surgery

Not saying I didn't hate my body 

I did 

I guess it just never crossed my mind

It wasn't the done thing

At least in my part of the world 

I just wanted to be smaller

Thinner all over

And as far as I know there is no cosmetic procedure for that

Of course I've looked in the mirror

And wished away my bulging belly

And thunder thighs

But I don't ever recall thinking that I would like to have cosmetic surgery

Someone who springs to mind when I think of cosmetic surgery is Heidi Montag
Some of you will know her from the reality show The Hills
I think she was so beautiful before she had the surgery
Young 
Fresh faced
The typical all American girl
I think she had far too much done
And barely looks like herself anymore

Before surgery

After

A woman called Jae West took matters in to her own hands recently
Jae is a body image activist
From Australia
She stood in Piccadilly Circus

In just a bikini and a blind fold

With a sign say that she was doing this experiment for people with bad body image 

And those suffering with eating disorders

She herself is in recovery

The sign Also asked people to draw a love heart on her in solidarity

She held markers in each hand

One by one people came up and drew hearts on her

You can see a video of it if you Google her

 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Are you yay or nay in the whole cosmetic surgery debate?
And why?
Have you ever considered cosmetic surgery?
If so
What would you like to have done?
Answers on a postcard please....

Life is like an obstacle course.....

My golly gosh

Life is becoming quite the complicated thing

Let me explain

As you know

I get up early each morning

And walk Honey and Lea

We either go to the local beach

One of the local lakes

Or down the back roads behind my house

This morning we decided to do the cliff walk over looking the beach that the surfers use

I don't know if I mentioned it

But every time I want to go in to the village

Or in to town

Or the beach

I have to drive by The Plumbers house as he lives on the main road 

I was going in to town one day last week

When as I approached his house 

He was pulling out in his work van

So I had to drive right by him

I really had to fight the urge to set my dogs on him

Or roll down my window and hurl abuse at him 

I like to think I had a lucky escape there

So this morning 

I was driving to the beach 

And stopped in the village to get a couple of things in the shop

I was just after coming out 

Was starting my car

When I saw The Boy pull in across the road

I knew it was him before I saw his face

As I know the reg of his car

At first I froze

I haven't heard from or seen The Boy in months

I dont think he saw me

As I sped out of my parking space and down the road

I didn't look in my rear view mirror

I didn't want to see him

I can't go back there 

So I did what I always do

And carried on 

I walked the dogs 

Did some shopping

Got petrol

Went to the post office

I was

Just leaving town to go home

When I got stuck behind a few cars 

And had to stop

Unfortunately 

I was right outside the shop where I was caught doing you know what

(Can't bring myself to say the word)

And then

I saw the owner come out and stand T the door

Like right beside me

I just kept looking straight ahead 

And prayed for a green light

Which eventually came after a few seconds

Ay Carumba 

What a morning 

I was on my way home

Had just come out of the post office 

When a car drove by me

I recognised the people as people I used to use with

Again

Something I could do without

But that's life I guess 

It just makes my day that bit more stressful and complicated

Trying to avoid people

And situations 

But I guess the only thing to do is just get on with things

In other news 

I rang the piercing studio

I think I am going to get a stud on my chin

Just below my lip

It costs €30

And it's walk in

So I don't have to make an appointment

I will definitely get it done before my birthday

So that's something to look forward to 

Right 

Must dash 

See you anon 

Glutton for punishment

A few days ago

I wrote about having a huge urge to weigh myself 

And then having a few awful body image days

Prompted me to go ahead and do it

I had put my scales away 

In the back of my wardrobe

I pulled them out

Dusted them off

And placed them on the wooden floor beside my bed

Usually I feel super anxious and nervous before I weigh

And get butterflies in my tummy

Yesterday however

I felt nothing 

I stripped 

I tapped the scale

And the numbers flicked to zero

I tentatively stepped on

I had absolutely no idea of my weight

As I hadn't weighed in weeks

The screen flashed 

And settled on a number

A number higher than I am comfortable with

And one I have seen since this time last year

I stepped off the scale 

Dressed 

And tried to process the information

Usually 

I have a viceral reaction to weighing

Relief if it's a safe number

And sheer devastation of it's a high number

There have been times when I've had a full blown meltdown after weighing

And sat on my bedroom floor

Naked

And sobbing

But you know what?

Today I felt nothing

The number meant nothing 

I felt neither relief or devastation

I just acknowledged the number 

Didn't let it get to me

And moved on

As you know 

I was an obsessive weighed when I was very unwell

I weighed my self worth in pounds and ounces

I can honestly say 

That this is the first time I have weighed myself

And not had a dramatic reaction

And that my friends

Is nothing short of a miracle 

This is progress I think

Seeing that the number is just a number

Nothing more

Nothing less 

It's just a number 

It is so freeing to finally not feel tied to the scale 

I know that I am not over or under weight

So I am ok with my weight

Not thrilled

But not in despair either

It just is what it is 

My body image has improved today too

Which is strange

You would think after weighing

That I would be all over the place

But surprisingly 

I am dealing with it rather well

Of course 

I am still adjusting to the weight re-gain

Some days I feel like I should roll instead of walk

I go between  absolutely hating my body

To somewhere approaching something 

Like looking like ok

But 

As ever 

I will keep ploughing on

I will try to stay as well I can 

I will try to accept and love my body as best as I can 

I will continue to be a pessimistic optimist 

As ever 

I will fight for a better life

For sanity 

For peace of mind 

For my family 

For my own mental health

I  am much more than a number

A clothes size 

I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes 

And is most certainly in the eye of the beholder 

I do t want to go back to being sick

It's only now that I am feeling better

That I realise how ill I truly was

I  on the way to getting better

Everyday I get a little stronger

And you know what?

I wouldn't trade it for anything 

34

It's  my birthday in a couple of weeks

When I will be the grand ol' age of 34

I have to remind myself a lot of the time what age I am

Because I really don't feel 34

I feel more like I am in my twenties 

Probably because I lost my twenties to addiction and anorexia 

So I don't really feel like I lived through them 

They are really a blur

I didn't take advantage of my youth

I could have done so much

But I didn't 

And I just have to live with that

No regrets though

Not one

Everything is exactly how it should be

I firmly believe that

The struggles I have been through

Have made me in to the person I am today

Every setback

Every bump in the road

Every slip and relapse

All happened for a reason

I wouldn't tAke back a minute of it

I was 31 when I started writing my blog

I remember being so embarrassed by my age

Because everyone else seemed so young

I felt like I shouldn't be here

That I was older 

And therefore wise

But anorexia and bulimia don't discriminate

They attack people of any age

Sex

Creed 

Background 

Religion 

I'm trying decide what to do for my birthday

My mums is the week after mine

So we will probably do something together

Last year we went for afternoon tea in a castle

Which was fun

But if like to do something different this year

Maybe go to Dublin or Cork for the night 

We'll see

I haven't mentioned it here

But I am thinking of getting a tattoo or a piercing 

I have neither

And would love to get something done

I had my eyebrow and belly button pierced when I was a teenager 

And I have my ears pierced a few times

I've held off getting a tattoo for so long

As I just couldn't decide on one

I love wings on the shoulder blades

And I love the 1950s coquettish look

I don't want to make an impulsive decision 

Like I do with so many things 

As ever

I will keep you posted 

In other news

I'm having a whopper of a bad body image day

I tried on a pair of leggings this morning

And promptly ripped off after looking in the mirror 

So what to do on a bad body image day

Or a BBID as I like to call them

For me 

When I'm feeling particularly large

I often body check 

Inspect my arms 

Or legs 

Or tummy

I need to not do this 

As it only feeds in to an already skewed body image

I should probably avoid mirrors too

And I guess recognising that it is a BBID

And what I'm seeing maybe through the lens of my eating disorder

Anyway

All I can do is damage limitation

Don a tracksuit

Ride it out

And wait for it to pass

It's a sad fact

That my self esteem

And self confidence

Is tied to my body image

When I feel that I look good

Or at least something approaching good

I feel more confident

I feel able and capable

But on a day like today 

When all I can see are rolls of fat

I just want to hide under a blanket 

Vast expanses of flesh

No shape or definition whatsoever

I'm kind of hoping that I do have body dysphoria

And that I don't really look like this

Maybe in real life I have the body of a dancer

But I just can't see it

I live in hope....

With all that said

I have some questions for you

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

What are they?

Do you love them or regret them?

And also 

What do you do on a bad body image day?

What helps you get through the day?

Inquiring minds wNt to know....

The weight debate

 have such an urge to stand on the scales 

To pull it out of my wardrobe

Dust it off

And sell my soul to the devil

To find out how much I should hate myself today

Because that's the way it's always been

Stand on the scales 

Measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

See if the number is safe or unsafe 

Have a meltdown because I gained two pounds

But I won't 

I know better than to spoil a good thing

To weigh now

Would ruin everything

My good mood 

My self esteem

That good feeling I have at the moment

I look at my sister 

She weighs herself regularly in my room

I often watch her

She stands on the scale 

Without so much as a whiff of ceremony

She sees the number

Processes whether she's lost or gained 

Absorbs the information

And then gets on with her day

She doesn't give it another thought

Doesn't let it effect her eating

Doesn't let it get to her in any way

I would give anything to be like that

To not let those numbers matter

As much as I am tempted

I won't weigh

Not today at least

I value my peace of mind too much 

I was wondering what your take is on weighing

Whether you are still in the midst of your illness

Or embarking on recovery 

What is your view on weighing?

Are you yay or nay?

Do you think weighing is a good or bad idea and why?

Does it effect you as much as it effects me?

Do the numbers have power over you?

I'd love to know....