The other anorexic...

You may remember over the years

My mentioning another girl in my area who is also anorexic

I used to meet her when I was walking my dogs

She would be pounding the pavement

Like a speed walker

And she seemed to walk all day

As any time I went walking

I met her

She was incredibly thin

With stick like arms and legs 

I don't know how she had the energy to walk so fast and so far

I guess she was like me

Running off of the fumes of the little food we allowed ourselves

And when we passed each other

We would whisper a timid hi

I recognised her straight away as a fellow anorectic the first time I saw her

You know the way you just know when you meet someone just like you

It was then that I realised that I wasn't the only anorectic in the village

As with a lot of eating disordered people 

It's hard to gage this woman's age

As her body was so childlike

Yet her face was that of someone in their mid to late forties

I have photos of me looking the same way

Having the body of a male child 

But the face of a mature woman 

It's a strange combination

And maybe one of the reasons that we recognised each other

I asked around about this girl 

I found out her name 

And that her sister died from anorexia a while back

She doesn't seem to work 

But drives a nice car

And always presents herself very well

I get the impression that she is an A typical anorexic

Shy 

Introverted 

A perfectionist 

She had all the ingredients to make up a recipe for disaster ED wise

I've met this girl quite a bit over the years

But have never said more than hello to her

But still

I felt we had a strange connection

They neither of us had to say anything 

Because we both felt each other's pain

And of course

I used to compare myself to this girl

Wondering if I was as thin as her

I'm sure she was thinking the same looking at me

I also often used to meet her in the supermarket

Which was mortifying 

As she would be buying things like bananas and lettuce

And I would have a basket full of binge food 

I wondered if she binged 

If she ever lost control completely 

Like I did almost every day

Sometimes I had a huge urge to speak to this girl

To run up to her

And give her a huge hug

And tell her that I understood her pain

That she could talk to me if she wanted

That I could be a friend to her

But of course I never did

I wish I had though

Over the last year

I have noticed that this girl hasn't been around much

I haven't met her walking in ages

And I was wondering what happened to her

I was hoping that she had got well

And found recovery 

But I really feared for her and her safety 

In the last couple of months

I have met this girl a couple of times shopping 

And I am delighted to report that she looks so much better

She has gained weight 

Not a lot

But enough so that she has life in her eyes again 

And a spring in her step 

I was so happy to see her in a better place 

It warms my heart 

And gives me hope

I was in the doctors this morning

I had just finished 

And was a walking out the surgery door

When I came face to face with this girl

She saw me

And I registered surprise in her face

She held the door for me

I said hello

And thanked her 

But for that split second 

Looking in to each other's eyes

I felt like we almost had a conversation

We saw each other looking

And feeling so much better

I even felt proud of this girl

For taking her life back

And for standing up to this cruel illness

Now that I am on the mend 

And tentatively venture in to recovery 

I feel a huge urge and obligation to let others know that recovery is possible 

I feel it's my duty to spread the word that you can and will get better

Mary asked me last week 

If I could go back and tell my ill self something

What would it be

I didn't have to think long about this

I would tell myself to go for recovery

That I had nothing to lose

And everything to gain 

Not to waste another year, month, week, day on this illness 

To take that leap of faith

I wouldn't regret it

Now I feel like I should let others know the huge benefits of embarking on recovery 

In the midst of an ED

It's so hard to see a way out 

To see beyond the ED

Which is why weight restoration is vital in recovery 

You literally can't think straight until your brain and body is fed

I can't even explain to you

How much better I feel now that I am weight restored 

I can think straight 

I have more strength and capability 

The difference is night and day 

But of course 

As the saying goes 

You can take a horse to water 

But you can't make it drink

It's the same with recovery 

From any addiction or illness

You can't change until you are ready 

Denial is a powerful thing

And people can go their whole lives without acknowledging that there is a problem

No one can do it for you

As I have often said 

If love and support could have got me well

Then I would have recovered a long time ago

But you can't force it

It happens only when we are ready

I am just so happy that this girl seems to be getting well 

And I would still love to talk to her 

But maybe that would be inappropriate 

I'm not quite sure

I think recovery often happens when people reach their thirties

At this age

A lot of people have been suffering for over a decade 

Usually people are worn down

And sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

I know I had more energy in my twenties 

I had the resilience to bounce back and keep going 

But now

I just don't have the energy or the inclination to maintain an ED or an addiction

I'm just too old for that s**t

The point of this post

Is to let you know that recovery is possible 

No matter how low you go

Or how hard you fall 

Recovery is there for each and every one of us 

We just have to reach out and grab it

My friend the walker

I'm sure her quality of life has dramatically improved  

And I wish her every health and happiness 

God knows she deserves it

Weigh Me?

As you know

Mary discharged me this week

And from the mental health services 

It's kind of scary 

As Mary was always my go to woman in times of crisis

She was close enough to me 

So that I could tell her anything 

But she was also far away enough to give me impartial advice

I know that I still have my doctor

And Breda

But I still think there will be a Maru shaped hole in my life

For now anyway 

I always took my lead from Mary as regards weighing

When my weight was low

She weighed me every week

Sometimes twice a week 

And as I began to recover 

She only weighed me from time to time

And then I used weigh at home once a week

Of course I have my own scale at home 

So if I suddenly get an urge to weigh myself I can 

But now I am wondering how often I should weigh myself 

Now that I have no one to report to

It's something that I forget to ask Mary about 

But I have a sneaking suspicion that she would advise me to do it once a week

But part of me thinks that is too much 

As weighing at the moment 

Is not something that is bothering me 

I think as long as my clothes for me

Then I am doing ok

Although I know that my weight tends to fluctuate quite a. It

So I was wondering about you

If you have been discharged from treatment

Inpatient or outpatient

Or you are recovering 

Or you are regaining weight

Or are weight restored 

How often do you weigh?

How often do you think is healthy?

Dos it help you to weigh in recovery?

Or does it hinder you?

I'd love to know.....

Clothes Post #22

I picked up a few bits this week

A pair of boots for autumn/winter 

A play suit for my holidays

(Did I mention that I am going to Turkey with my family at the end of the month?

I'm going with my Mum, my sister, my brother and his partner

We are going for ten days

And I am super excited 

Finally 

I will feel the sun on my skin 

And the warm breeze 

I think we deserve a bit of sun after the horrendous summer we had here)

And a pair of leggings 

The boots and play suit are Roxy

And the leggings are from Superdry

Here they are....

There's something about Mary...

I know

I know

I've used that post title more than once or twice

But there really is something about Mary

I had my last session with her yesterday

Which I was both dreading and looking forward to in equal measures

I arrived on time

And ahe came to the office door

As she always does when she hears me come in the front door

I settled in my usual seat across from her

And all of a sudden I felt really emotional

Like it was the end of an era

Literally 

However 

I managed to keep it together

And told Mary about starting in the dog shelter next week 

She has always told me to do what I love to do

Then it's never like work 

And I concur 

I'm looking after my neighbours dog this week

So I had to postpone the dog shelter until next week

I am like so happy at the monent

All i do is walk dogs 

And feed them

And play with them

And talk to them

I swear I think I have find my true calling in life 

I love it

And I am now more sure than ever that I made the right decision not to do the business course

It would have been like putting s bird in a cage 

For want of a better expression

Mary and I chatted for a while

She asked me to think back to the first day that I met her

I can remember it so clearly 

I arrived for my appointment on time

And the receptionist informed me that Mary had got caught in a back log of traffic

And would be late 

Then she made me a cup of tea and a biscuit

I must have looked like I needed it 

Mary arrived

All smiles and apologies

We went in to an office 

I remember feeling dead inside

There was nothing going on inside me emotionally

I was feeling hopeless

Resigned to my fate as an eating disordered drug addict

My first session with Mary was all paperwork

Assessing my risk to myself and all that

I remember answering many questions

You know the ones where they ask you things like how often do you feel like killing yourself

Tick here for never

Here for sometimes

Here for a lot 

Here for all the time

It's hard to fill in these type of questionnaires 

As you don't want to come across as completely unhinged

Yet you want them to know that you do really need help

I guess the best bet is to be honest

Today I also had to fill in the same questionnare 

And I was delighted to be able to tick hardly ever or never

For most of the questions 

Which was a turn around 

We talked a lot about recovery 

How it's a never ending process 

And needs constant maintenance 

And upkeep 

Mary made the point that recovering from a mental illness 

Is as important as recovery from a physical illness 

And often the two are linked

Mary told me that her door is always open 

If I need a few booster sessions

She said that needing support

Even extra support

Is not the same as a relapse 

Asking for support is key in preventing a relapse

I've relapsed enough times to know the warning signs

And I know that a relapse usually happens long  before you pick up a drug or lose a significant amount of weight

It happens when you let things slip

And slide

When you become complacent 

Comfortable 

I know that I'm well today because of the structure and support I have in place

And I need to remain vigilant 

Mary told me

That from the first day she met me

She had high hopes for me

Because of my honesty and motivation

She really believed in me

And I really felt  that from her

All along

She has fed me the idea that recovery is possible

I doubted her for so long 

But now I know that it's possible

Because it's happening to me

She told me that the reason she gets up in the morning 

Is to see the smile on faces like mine

As we head off from being discharged

And out to live our lives

She held out her arms 

We hugged

And said goodbye

And walked out the door 

And as I closed it behind me

And felt like I was closing a chapter in my life

So that's it 

I am no longer in therapy 

I can now say with out a shadow of a doubt 

That I am in recovery 

It's no exaggeration to say that sometimes it feels like my recovery happened in spite of me

In spite of my trying to self destruct

And f**k it up

It really feels like I was carried to this point 

On the shoulders of the people that support me

I dont remember ever making a decision to recover

All I know was that last April

I took an overdose

What happened after that is a blur 

It seems that as quickly as things can turn sour

And go Pete Tong

They can also turn around just as quick

And that's they way I feel it happened to me

Of course I participated in my own recovery

I went to therapy 

I did the work

I ate the food

I stopped the purging 

I did it 

But still

It really feels as though love and support got me through 

I know I am lucky

Having a strong family behind me has been the back bone of my recovery

And my Mother has been at the helm every step of the way

I couldn't have done this without her

She has bee there every step of the way

When I had many a meltdown over my weight

When I was ill she cared for me

When I cried she held me 

When I thought I was losing my mind she sat with 

Talked to me 

One story she often tells me is of the day I was born

And listening to that soothes like nothing else

She is nothing short of incredible

As I type this 

I feel tears sting the back of my eyes

Life thus far has been like a roller coaster on steroids 

Sometimes I wonder how I made it to 34

But I did

And I know there is a reason for that

Even if it's not clear yet

I trust it will

In time

I think back to yesterday 

When I weighed myself

That number couldn't mean less to me

Whatever weight I am 

It is better than being a walking skeleton 

It's better than being at deaths door

Or in deaths waiting room

I am just grateful to have a body 

And a healthy body at that 

Yes I now have boobs

And a bum you could eat your dinner off

But that is so much better than skin and bones 

Mary asked me today

What I would tell myself if I could go back to in time 

I would tell that poor, sick, broken girl

To go for it

To take a chance on life

And grab it by the balls

Don't waste another month, week, day on this cruel bitch of an illness

Throw out your scales 

Give your skinny clothes to charity 

Have a frothy coffee just the way you like it

Have a slice of cake

Allow yourself to eat what you want

Whether that be an orange or chocolate 

Be kind to yourself 

Be gentle on yourself 

Because you need you

And you are stuck with you

So you better start accepting and loving yourself 

Because you only have one life

One chance

One shot at being happy 

So go for it!

Shoot for the stars 

You won't regret it

It's been a long road to this point

But you know

I don't regret a thing

Not one thing

Everything that has happened had got me to this point 

And this point is not a bad place to be

Not at all 

Now I'm ready for the next chapter

Come on life

I'm ready for you....

Weighing it up....

I have my last session with Mary this afternoon

In recent weeks

We agreed that I would weigh myself once a week

And she wouldn't weigh me at all

I had been putting it off all week

I really didn't want my good mood spoiled by the little numbers on my scale 

I was going to do it the other night

When my sister was weighing herself 

But I just couldn't bring myself to do it

Side note: My sister is now convinced that she is fat

Welcome to my world...

Last night 

I bit the bullet 

And pulled out my scales from its home under my drawers

I had been trying on clothes to wear on holidays 

And in between outfits 

In my underwear 

I stood on the scales 

And a funny thing happened

I registered the number

The second highest number I've ever seen on a weighing scales in my whole life

I waited for the horror to envelop me

The shame

The embarrassment 

The guilt to wash over me

I closed my eyes and braced myself 

But you know what ?

It didn't happen

The absolute disgust I felt the last time I reached this weight just didn't happen

I opened my eyes and stood off the scale 

Mild confusion set in

I got dressed 

And sat on the edge of my bed 

Thinking 

I'm not entirely sure when it happened

But the number on the scale seems to have lost its power

And importance over me

How?

I'm not sure of that either 

All I know is that I can now stand on my scales without having a complete meltdown

If I was braver 

I would share my weight with you

But I'm not 

So I won't 

Even though I had no initial reaction to my weight 

I did make a secret pact with myself to lose some weight before my holiday

That lasted about two hours

When I decided a lolly was more fun than a diet

The thing is

That I have gained weight 

But my clothes still fit me

Apart from one pair of trousers which I don't really wear anyway 

But I feel ok in my skin

I know I'm now curvy 

And shapely 

And that's ok 

I am ok 

Just the way I am

Right 

Will update after session with Mary

Have a lovely Tuesday.... 

Dedicated follower of fashion...

It's only in recent times that I've become interested in clothes and fashion

And my appearance in general

Growing up I was a bit of a Tomboy

And lived in jeans and trainers

I can remember when I was a teenager

Me and my friends would go in to town on a Saturday 

I used to spend about ten minutes getting ready

And would then call over to my friend 

For her

Getting ready was a military operation

Her hair 

Her clothes 

Her make up

I can remember sitting in her bathroom watching her deftly apply eye liner

And lipstick

But I felt no urge to do it myself 

I've always worn minimal make up

Mascara and foundation is about as far as I go

As a teenager 

I experimented with different styles of clothes 

But I could never find one that I felt both comfortable and fashionable

I can remember my fifteenth birthday

My parents brought me in to town to buy me some clothes as a present

I couldn't find anything that I liked

And I remember buying a few items

Just got the sake of buying them 

I didn't know what I wanted to look like 

I just knew what've didn't want to looking 

Most of my friends wore very feminine and girly clothes

But I knew that wasn't me

But I also couldn't find any thing that was 'me'

Fast forward 

And I turn 18

I've been dabbling in drugs throughout my teens 

And shortly after my 18th birthday

I take heroin for the first time

And my world spins out of control

The drug was number one 

Everything else paled into insignificance 

My family 

My friends 

My education

Clothes were just not a priority any more 

Any money that I had went on the drug 

Every single penny 

And any clothes that I did have were in tatters 

Handy tip

Never wear good clothes while smoking heroin 

You will inevitable drop the cigarettes many times 

And burn holes in said clothes

I had zero interest in clothes throughout the drug years

Or the ED years 

Having to find teeny tiny clothes could be a problem 

And anything that I did find just looked ridiculous on my skinny frame 

It's really only in the last year that I have found a look that I like

A look that suits me 

And I feel comfortable and put together 

In recent weeks 

I've had a lot of comments on my look

It has changed 

I now wear glasses

And I have my nose pierced 

Breda noticed it on Monday

I was able to tell her that this is the look I've always liked 

But never had the confidence to wear

Also my clothes 

I have now found that I am most comfortable in surfer type clothes

Hoodies 

Jeans or chinos 

And trainers or high tops 

I feel like myself in these clothes

I feel confident

And most importantly 

I feel comfortable 

I tend to have two sets of clothes

One for the house 

And one for outside 

At home 

I am down on the floor with the dogs

Cleaning

Doing housework 

And generally pottering around 

So for that I wear a tracksuit

Or leggings 

And a hoody 

Still feeling like myself 

But not any clothes that I want to keep good

When I am out and about

I wear jeans and a top

Or chinos 

With a good hoody

And good trainers 

And yes 

I do have 'good' clothes

I can remember times when I've been out and about

And I will see someone whose style that I love 

I have often tried to replicate that outfit 

But it never looked the same on me

So now I go for pieces that I know are me

I know straight away when I see an item of clothing 

Whether it's me or not 

I now know what suits me

And what doesn't 

And I feel confident in choosing clothes for myself 

I guess during the last year

I have been finding myself 

Who I am

My likes and dislikes

My style 

My opinions 

My views 

My personality 

It's really exciting finding out who Ruby is 

I guess I'm doing now 

What people usually do in their twenties 

Experimenting 

And finding themselves

I'm not conventional in any sense of the word 

I spent my whole teenage years trying to fit in

But now I like to be different 

I like to stand out 

The world would be an extremely boring place if we were all the same 

I'm not that alternative either 

But I like to be a little quirky if I can 

Nowadays 

I like to take pride in my appearance 

I do my hair

Wear a little make up 

And try to look presentable when I'm out 

Of course there are days when I can't face anything more than a tracksuit 

But that's ok too 

No one is perfect 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

What is your style?

What kind of clothes do you like to wear?

Do you have a style icon?

Who influences you?

Has your style changed over the years? 

I would love to know....

Constant Craving

I've been up since 6am

As my mother was catching an early morning flight to London

My sister is also away for a few days this weekend 

So I will be home alone

If we can at all help it

We try and not have me here alone for any prolonged period of time

I know it sounds silly

I mean I'm a 34 year old woman

And it's not that I have trouble looking after myself or the house 

It's the fact that when I am on my own

My mind tends to wander

And I could very easily get myself in to trouble

Like now

Knowing that I will be here alone 

My mind goes to dark places

And my mischievous side comes out 

I think about the things I could get up to

I could smoke 

Drink

Get out of my face on various substances 

Sometimes I get such a craving 

To get out of my mind

Off my head 

To check off the planet 

And completely zone out

To go on the nod

Slipping in and out of consciousness

I know that cravings are part and parcel of recovery 

Anyone who has a tendency for escapism deals with them

Usually I get a craving after experiencing a trigger

A song 

A smell

An item 

It could be anything 

Euphoric recall I think they call it

For instance at my mothers retirement do

Being in a bar

The stress of the speech 

Feeling a bit self conscious 

All added up to my having a drink

I've been told by countless therapists that I can't drink

But I don't think I fully accept that

I want to be able to drink 

I want to have a glass of wine with dinner 

A bottle of beer at night

But the thing is 

Even though alcohol was not my primary addiction

I still have the perpensity to spin out of control

Yes 

I might have been ok one night

And only had two drinks 

But that was only because I was on my best behaviour 

I know I could take a notion

Buy a bottle of vodka

And drink it all at home 

I know if I allow myself one drink

One is too many 

And a thousand never enough 

Smoking is a funny one

As you know 

I was a dedicated smoker

A 30 a day girl

I loved nothing more than a cup of tea and a smoke 

I did my best thinking over a cigarette

But 

I just couldn't afford them anymore 

They had to go 

I can't lie 

I do miss them 

But I don't get huge cravings for one

I could go a whole day without even thinking of one 

It's like that part of my brain has been reprogrammed 

I've iften heard it said that cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin 

Well I can categorically tell you that that is utter horse shit

Heroin was by far more difficult to give up

I never stole to get money for smokes

I never tore a room apart looking for a bag of gear

I didn't go in to severe physical withdrawal when I stopped smoking 

My body didn't crave a smoke like it craved heroin

Oh no 

Smoking was no near as difficult to give up

I get strange urges from time to time 

Like when I am walking the cliff walk with the dogs 

I get a massive urge to jump

And sometimes I'm afraid that I really will do it 

I've been in my car

And put my foot down on the accelerator 

Daring myself to drive in to the nearest wall

Or go so far that the car spins out of control

I've had urged to break my fingers and toes 

To put a hot iron on my skin

To throw myself from the top of the stairs 

Or walk out bin front of a car

The other day I had a huge urge to delete my blog 

And stop writing altogether

I though that I was just writing drivel 

That I was a bad person

And hurt people

And always said/wrote the wrong thing 

I feel like I'm always putting my foot in it 

And here in our little corner of blogger 

A lot of people here are fragile

And I need to remember that 

I go back to the original title of this blog

And then she disappeared

Even though I have since changed it to and then she recovered

The original title still holds meaning for me

I still get huge urged to disappear 

From my blog

From the Internet 

From my life 

From this earth

I'm not sure why 

I just don't always feel like I want to be here 

At this point 

I must say 

Please don't worry about me writing this 

I am perfectly fine 

Just feeling a little maudlin and sad today

And that's ok

I had an amazing day yesterday 

And I think I am on a bit of a come down today 

I'm not going to do anything silly 

I'm not feeling suicidal 

Or anything like it

These feelings and thoughts are normal for me 

I deal with them all the time

I gues sometimes I question myself and my life

And even this blog

I question why I am writing 

Is it for me?

For my own ego?

Is it to help others?

Or maybe both?

All I know is that I love writing this blog 

And I love you my fellow bloggers

This blog has been there for me in my darkest hour 

And also to celebrate my recovery 

I feel drawn to it

I feel compelled to write

Even if no one was reading 

I think I would still write 

Because it helps me

It warms my heart

And lightens my burden

And fills my soul 

It's an amazing thing 

To have a head full of noise

To sit down and write and write 

And come to the end

And my mind is quiet

There are very few things that have that effect on me 

And writing is definitely one of them 

I am so grateful to have this blog 

And you as my dear friends

It's no exaggeration to say that my online social life is more active than my real life social life 

We something special here on blogger

In something as isolating as an ED

We have found friendship and solace in each other 

We have found acceptance and unconditional love 

Understanding and valuable advice 

I know a lot of people think that these kind of blogs are not healthy

Or helpful at all 

Maybe that's because we accept someone's choice if they choose not to recover

You know when I first embarked on recovery

I worried that I wouldn't have a place in this community anymore 

I was even warned by others that I would be rejected by people here 

But I have in fact found the opposite 

My choices and decision have been accepted

And even celebrated 

And I am eternally grateful for that 

I'm writing this blog now over three years 

I often go back an read old posts 

It's amazing to have almost every day documented 

And I also notice all the bloggers who have disappeared over the years 

Do you remember Rayya?

The Lively Bones

Emily

Winter 

Peridot 

Thinderella who vanished off the face of the earth 

And more recently 

Mandy 

(R)oxyskinny

I think of these girls often 

We were part of the fabric of each other's lives 

I wonder what happened to them 

Did they recover?

Did they find that they didn't need this community anymore? 

Did they go in to hospital/treatment?

Did they die?

I wish I knew 

As they all had a special place in my heart 

I have it set up that if something happened to me 

Then my sister or Mother can log in to my blogger account 

And let you all know 

As much as I would like to disappear sometimes 

I would hate to leave you all wondering what happened to me 

I cherish our community 

And hope to preserve it 

Hope to welcome in new bloggers 

And continue to support the regulars 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you know what happened to any of these bloggers? 

How do you feel about our community at the moment?

Do you feel our community helps one another?

Do you have any new blogs you would like to share?

Is love to know...