Thursday 7 January

I'm just back from seeing Mary

Which was such a relief to see her 

I was early for my appointment

And had just sat down in the waiting room

When she popped her head around the corner 

We got straight down to business

And she asked how I am doing 

With my words in a jumble

Trying to make sense

I told her about struggling recently 

Losing weight

Losing my mind 

My mood dipping

My purging increased 

She said that in all likelihood 

My mood dropping 

And purging more are connected 

As if I'm purging more

Then I'm not getting the benefit of my meds 

It then becomes a viscous circle 

Of one feeding the other 

We talked about what I'm doing with my days 

Which is very little these days 

And I know that's a huge problem for me

I don't have anything to fill my days 

So inevitably 

I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble 

The devil makes work for idol hands and all that 

We talked about the support groups 

And how they help me when I go 

We made a list of things for me to do 

Before I see her next week

Which includes a meal plan

Shopping list 

Check out the local writing group

The Womens centre 

Volunteering 

And possibly part time work 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually feel motivated

To get back on track 

To realise my potential

As Mary said 

It's a big wide world out there 

And it's there for me to explore 

I had gone so low recently 

That everything seemed like an effort 

I spent my days at home

And if I did go out 

I was always anxious to get home 

Now that I've spoken to Mary

I feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to do

Sometimes that's all it takes

For someone else to gently guide you in the right direction

Everyone is always telling me that I have great potential 

And that's all very well

But what does that mean?

That I could do something wonderful

Possibly 

Maybe 

My confidence has taken a battering recently 

And I'm feeling quite raw emotionally

The thought of putting myself out there is very scary 

But I know 

If I could just take the first step

Then the rest will be easier 

Myself and Mary write down all my homework 

She wished me a happy new year

And gave me a big hug before I left 

Which was lovely 

I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks 

And you know what?

I think I can do it 

I think I can get back on track 

Living in the midst of an ED

Is nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying 

I'm not willing to live my life like that 

The last eight weeks

Of being back in ED mode

Have shown me that nothing has changed 

Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves 

Manipulative 

Conniving 

Sneaky 

I don't want to deal with that any more 

I have a life to live

Before I left 

Mary asked me about weighing

I told her I was weighing every day

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I needed to stop

And that she will weigh me once a week

I can't lie 

That's going to be tough 

Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worth

Now I need to find other ways to maintain it 

Other ways to feel good about myself

In short 

I need to carve out a life for myself 

A routine 

An occupation 

A reason to get up in the morning

Because right now

Apart from my dogs

It's difficult to find a reason to keep going 

Anyway

I've got to do this

I've just got to 

There is no other option anymore 

I hope I can do it

I think I can do it 

With my families help

The professionals help

And with your help 

I just might have a fighting chance 

The one thing I take out of these situations 

Is the learning 

Something I will improve on the next time 

I mean

I'm not asking for much 

I just want a simple life

A roof over my head 

Food in my fridge

Loved ones at my side 

Dogs at my feet 

A job I love 

And I think these things are achieve able 

I think they are within my grasp

So

It starts right now 

Having my dinner 

Keeping it down 

Doing my meal plan 

My shopping list 

That's half the battle 

Tomorrow 

I will start the hunt for things to do 

That's after my hospital appointment 

It's a brand new year 

A fresh start 

What better time to make a change 

I want this 

I need this 

Are you with me....?

New Dress

I bought a new dress in the sales this week

It was reduced from €75

To €30

They didn't have a size small left

So I tried on extra small

And it fit perfectly 

The thing is though

I don't know how long it will fit me for

As my weight fluctuates so much

It really yo-yo's up and down at an alarming rate 

For this reason

I have clothes in every size known to woman 

From size zero to size twelve 

I don't like to buy too many items when my weight is low 

As I don't hope to be at that weight for very long

But still 

I do need to wear clothes when I'm at that size

Anyway 

Here it is....

Tuesday 5 January

I'm posting later than usual today

As I decided to wait to see my psychiatrist before I posted 

It was a long day waiting around for my afternoon appointment

I walked the dogs

Made dinner

And generally pottered around until it was time to go

I arrived at the building 

And parked in the tiny car park in the back

There was a guy smoking just as I got out of my car 

What I wouldn't have done for a cigarette right then

I continued in to the building

Which used to be a family home

But the health board have taken it over

So the waiting room is actually the kitchen

I took a seat

There were a few people already in there

I figured I was in for a wait 

So I took a magazine

And settled in a chair

It was very busy 

A constant stream of people in and out

I was hoping to see my doctor himself

And not one of his team

Because he knows me

So I was glad when he popped his head around the corner

And called me in to a little room

I don't think I mentioned

That I spoke to Mary yesterday 

And asked if I could see her 

She said that was no problem 

I just had to say it to my psychiatrist 

He started off by saying 

That Mary had emailed him

Which I was glad of 

That's Mary all over

So reliable and dependable 

So my psych had an idea of what was happening for me

He asked about weight loss

My mood 

My sleep

I told him that I am enduring life

Rather than enjoying it

He said that it sounds like I am depressed

And might not be getting the benefit of my meds because of so much purging 

He then asked if anything had triggered this slip (Note: still reluctant to call it a relapse!)

I told him about the navy trousers incident

And wanting to lose a few pounds

But then couldn't stop

He said it was most likely that my mood had dropped before then 

As usually that kind of thing wouldn't bother me

I have clothes in every size under the sun

So one pair of trousers fitting 

Is not usually a big deal

And thinking about it 

My mood had dropped gradually in the last few months 

Even in Turkey I was not in great form

And my mother confirmed this 

Meds were considered 

He said that my Prozac could be increased

But he was reluctant to do that until I had spoken to Mary 

So that's an option

Hopefully I will get to see Mary next week

And she will be able to help me out things right

Because my purging is spinning out of control

And am now purging 5-10 times a day

It's no wonder I am feeling so bad

My BMI is now 18

Not clinically anorectic 

But nevertheless less 

It's still heading in the wrong direction

And because I've lost the weight so quickly

My body is suffering

So 

Hopefully this is the start of my getting on top of things again 

I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was depressed 

I mean

That's kind of obvious 

But again

I haven't been myself 

And sometimes you don't see how low you've gone 

Until someone else points it out

Before I finish 

I just want to thank you all for your continued support

I know it must be frustrating witnessing my slips and falls 

But as ever

You have been there 

And that means more than you know 

Thank you

Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a head

I've been feeling so low 

Both physically 

And mentally

I always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs 

Is a day there is something very wrong with me

Well these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walks

Bless her 

She doesn't seem to notice the difference 

And still comes back happy

As if she'd walk 5 miles

But it's like they know something is wrong

Lea is so clingy these days 

Always at my side 

Always wanting to be stroked 

Honey is also playing up

Barking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen 

They are so intune 

They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine 

I hate that I am effecting them too

I went out yesterday morning 

To pick up some food 

When I came home 

My Mam came to speak to me

And asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food again

To be perfectly honest

I wasn't aware

I thought I was just buying neccesities 

But thinking about it 

I am buying bags of binge food 

I am back in the binge purge cycle

Later on last night 

I broke down to my Mam

I told her how shitty I am feeling 

And how low I feel 

She told me to speak to my doctor 

She hugged me

Wiped my tears 

And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this 

And I would be ok

I felt a little better after speaking to her

But spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears 

It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying 

So I'm trying to be in good form

Which as you know, is not easy to do

But 

I know no one expects me to put on a show 

It's pressure I put on myself

I went to bed early 

And cried myself to sleep 

I woke early

In time to keep my 9am appointment 

It being the first day back after Christmas

The surgery was full of people 

I had just taken a seat 

When my name was called 

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat for a minute while he turned his computer on

Trying to formulate lucid sentences in my head

When he asked me how I was

It poured out of me like word vomit 

Feeling so low physically 

Like I'm going to pass out all the time 

He said I looked very drawn

He took my bloods

To check my electrolytes 

Took my BP

Which was ok 

He also checked my throat 

Which was red

And my glands which were swollen

He thought I might have a virus 

But I said it was probably from the purging 

He agreed 

Then 

The dreaded scale 

He weighed me 

I've lost 5 kilos since he weighed me last month

24 pounds in the last 2 months

No wonder I am feeling so bad

My doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloods

I thanked him

And left

After collecting my meds

I went back to the surgery to see Breda 

The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale 

It was an effort just to be there 

To just talk 

And trying to be positive was really wiping me out

She told me to take it easy

To rest 

And look after myself 

Everyone keeps saying this to me 

But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing 

I mean I do know 

But what else should I be doing?

I'm just so tired 

My body is in bits trying to stay together 

The thing is 

And what I was saying to my mum last night 

I can't believe I have been so stupid

To think that I could have lost some weight 

And leave it at that 

Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 

So 

The plan this week

Is to ring Mary

See my psychiatrist tomorrow

And keep my hospital appointment on Friday

Apart from that 

Rest 

Eat 

Build myself up again 

I haven't felt this bad in years 

I asked my mother last night

If I am ever going to get well

She replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt 

Yes Ruby

Of course you will

I hope she is right......

TMI

I recently wrote an article for an on line magazine called Holl and Lane

The article was published a couple of days ago

And was entitled 'Inside the mind of an addict' 

It was basically my story 

From childhood 

To now 

And everything in between 

It was a long article 

And even though it has just been published 

I wrote it and submitted it back in October

So reading it yesterday

Was like reading it for the first time

As I read through it 

Some thing suddenly struck me

And hit me like a brick to the head

Am I over sharing?

Am I telling too much about my life?

Am I leaving myself open and vulnerable?

Am I doing the wrong thing?

Is there a reason why most people don't air their dirty laundry?

After I finished reading the article

I felt utterly naked and exposed

I wanted to take the article back 

And submit a nice polished fairy story of my life 

With a neat little ending where everything turns out ok

And I marry the prince who saved me from myself 

As you know 

I don't write an awful lot about my family 

I mention my mum and sister a lot 

And my sisters depression

But I try not to write about my family too much 

In this particular article 

I wrote a little bit about growing up

And I can't write about growing up without talking about the addiction in my home

The unhappy place it was to be

And the tyrant my father was

But now I feel guilty about writing about him

Because he's not like that anymore 

He has changed 

Markedly so

I don't want to point the finger at him

And blame him for all the shit my family has been through 

But at the same time

I have to be honest 

And tell my truth

My account of my own life 

But I wonder 

Am I being too honest?

Should I really be writing so explicitly about my life?

Will it come back to haunt me in the future?

I mean 

I give a full and frank account of my life here 

And I really don't know what other way to tell my story 

I don't write anonymously 

Heck there's big ass photo of me on the front of my blog!

I don't know

With all that said

I was wondering about you

What do you think about honesty while blogging?

Do you think we should hold back and preserve our dignity?

Or are you in favour of telling all?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

January 2 2016

After my episode yesterday while walking my dogs

I came home straight away

And promptly fell asleep on the couch for a few hours with a blanket over me

And a hot water bottle tucked in to my pyjamas 

I felt a lot better after sleeping and eating something 

I know that feeling though

The feeling I am going to pass out

When my body feels really heavy 

And me heart feels like it's fluttering in my chest

I also know that it could well be due to an electrolyte imbalance 

As this has happened before

And I was hospitalised immediately 

I will speak to my doctor on Monday 

He might do some bloods just to check everything is ok 

I know that this is probably happening because I lost a lot of weight quickly 

God help me 

I want to stop 

I truly do

But some thing in me keeps saying

Just one more pound 

Just one more 

I arrive at one goal

Only for the goal posts to be moved

And then it's on to the next one

I mean

It makes no sense 

I know where this is headed 

I know how this story ends

Yet I continue to fall head first down the rabbit hole

It's irrational 

It's illogical 

I don't understand it

I really don't 

Next week will be good though

As I am seeing Breda on Monday

My psychiatrist on Tuesday

And I have a follow up appointment in the hospital on Friday

So lots of support next week

Heck knows I need it

It just goes to show 

Not looking after yourself does catch up with you

I muddled along for years

Drinking 

Drugging

Starving

Bingeing and purging 

I thought I was invincible 

Indestructible 

When you are young 

You don't consider your own mortality

It feels like you are bullet proof

And for a long time 

I did get away with it

But 

I'm getting older 

And it's harder to bounce back

The pancreatitis 

Two bouts of it 

Have really knocked the wind out of my sails 

And is living proof that my body is struggling to just be well

To function normally 

There is only so much that it can take 

Even after this most recent hospital stay

Coming home

I was all pumped to change my ways 

Eat properly 

Not purge 

Get healthy 

That lasted about two days

And I was straight back to my old ways 

I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing 

To feed my body 

Nourish it 

And look after it 

It doesn't come easily to me 

I've been he'll bent on self destruction for so long

That it has become second nature to me 

It's what I know 

On the other hand 

I have shown that I can change if I want to 

I quit drugs

Alcohol

Even smoking 

So I know it's within my capabilitiy to change and adapt 

It seems that food is the final frontier 

The last thing 

My one remaining vice

And it seems to me 

That food could be the trickiest of all 

At least with drugs and drink 

I could eliminate them completely from my life

I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis 

With food 

I have to navigate through it multiple times a day 

And being an all or nothing person 

That is tough for me

I either eat all the food 

Or none of the food 

And there is not a lot of leeway in between 

Anyway 

My aim at the moment 

Is to take it day by day 

Deal with the here and now

And not worry too much about yesterday or tomorrow 

I just feel like the fight has almost been knocked out of me 

And I am scrambling to find the courage and faith to go on 

My mental health is not good 

I'm paranoid 

My thoughts are negative and destructive 

I can't make sense of simple situations 

I'm hyper sensitive 

Reading too much in to things 

It feels like every nerve in my body is on high alert 

And is picking up every little detail in life 

It's draining 

It's exhausting 

I just want out

I can now see that I can't be underweight and healthy 

Or even happy 

3 months ago I was at a healthy BMI of 22-23

I felt good 

Whether I looked good or not didn't really come in to it

If being a healthy weight was the price I had to pay for being well and happy

Then I was will to pay it

Now my BMI is 18

Not even clinically anorectic 

I feel utterly all over the shop

I know I need some extra support right now 

And I will ring Mary again next week

I just need the help to snap out of this rut I am in 

I just need help

I know if I had that 

I could get back on track 

Back on form 

Because I'm not willing to go down the route of being severely underweight 

And worrying my whole family to death 

I'm not willing to throw my life away for the sake of a number on a scale 

I won't do it

And I won't do it to my family 

I just need help 

A little bit of help 

That is all....

Another year over.....

🎉We rang in the new year last night at home

There were 8 of us

We players board games 

And drank fizzy drinks out of champagne flutes 

When the clock striked 12

We all piled over to my neighbours house to wish her a happy new year

She said it had made her night 

I got to bed around 2am

And found it really hard to wake up this morning

I dragged my weary self out of bed

Made a cup of tea

And promptly fell back to sleep again on the couch 

I woke an hour later 

Still feeling extremely tired

But I put my coat and hat on

And headed out with Honey and Lea

I had been walking for about 5 minutes 

When I began feeling a little strange 

Like all blood had drained from my face

And I was going to throw up

I turned back straight away 

As I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or not 

It took me forever to make it home 

Takings breaks

Stopping and starting 

But everything was difficult 

I couldn't get my breath 

My body felt like it was fighting against me

I arrived home finally 

My mother knew straight away something was wrong 

When I walked in and collapsed in to a chair 

I told her what had happened

She asked if I had pain

I didn't 

She made me tea and toast

And I took a hot water bottle in to the living room

Where I write this 

I have to admit 

I am worried 

That this is happening again

That my body is fighting against itself

Even if it's not quite pancreatitis 

It's still a sign that all is not well with my health  

Nothing about this is good

I'm going to leave it at that for now

I'm going to rest 

And try and take care of myself 

Until tomorrow....,