I had a few appointments with the professionals this week
My doctor on Monday
My psychiatrist on Tuesday
And Mary on Wednesday
My psychiatrist is good
On the ball
Just like Mary
He had been talking about increasing my Prozac in an effort to get back on track
But this week
He decided against it
He made the point that I am on so many meds as it is
And the goal should be to be medication free
I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't taking something
Prescribed or otherwise
Probably in my teens
If not before
I really can't remember what it's like to be stone cold sober
The thought scares me though
I am afraid that I won't be able to cope on my own
Without the addition of drugs
But I guess that's where occupation comes in
If I am filling my days with something I love
I'll be content enough to not want to escape my own head
And my own reality
That's why the job would have been ideal
Speaking of which
I haven't heard a dickiebird yet
I'm pretty sure I would have heard by now if I had got it
But that's ok
I'll learn and move on
And on to the next thing
It was a big deal for me just to apply and do the interview
That in itself is progress
I have been thinking about work a lot
And the dancing I used to do with the kids
I would love to do it again
And am seriously thinking about setting up a couple of classes again
I just don't know if I have the confidence though
Or the energy
I also feel that I would need some more training myself to be the best teacher I can be
Anyway
It's something to think about
In other news
I've neither lost nor gained weight in about a month
And am weighing less and less
Mary weighed me on Wednesday
And I was 0.3kg more than last week
And I was wearing Harvey clothes and trainers
So I was pretty much the same
I've spoken to my mum and sister a good bit recently
Needless to say
They are concerned
And I'm trying alleviate that
I don't want them to worry
But they know I am struggling
They know about the purging
I don't even try to hide it anymore
I know they know
And they know I know they know
Confusing but true
I also spoke to Mary this week about working in the stables
Mary had heard of a former social worker who was setting up a stables
And wanted volunteers with mental health issues
So Mary is going to ring them
Tell them about me
And then pass on my details
You guys
I am super duper excited about this
It's right up my street
And to work with animals
And meet people like me
Would be nothing short of amazing
I can't wait to get started
And get stuck in
They say that the key to happiness
Is not having what you want
But wanting what you have
Growing up
And through out my twenties
I wanted a completely different life
I didn't want to live in our average, middle class life
Sometimes I wished we were filthy rich
And sometimes we lived in the slums
Strange I know
But I hated being in the middle
I much targeted the extremes
But recently
I've been feeling incredibly grateful
So thankful and joyful and blessed
For what I have
Yes
There are a lot of people in the world who have a lot more than me
But compared to some
I have more than enough
I know I say it a lot
But every day I thank my lucky stars
That I have a strong family behind me
Especially my mother
Who is a tower of strength
And the back bone of our family
I have two older sisters
An older brother
And a father who I now get on well with after years of not
I am grateful that I live in a happy, comfortable and safe home
That there's a roof over my head
And food in my fridge
I am grateful that I have my own bedroom
And sleep in a clean dry bed every night
I am grateful that I have two happy dogs
Who are the light of my life
And keep me sane and grounded
I am grateful for the professionals in my life
My long suffering doctor
Mary who is endlessly patient
And my psychiatrist who fights my corner
My family and I have come through a lot
The important thing is that we got through it
And came out the other side
We are stronger for it
One thing we never did was give up
We weathered the storm
Hung in there
Fought until the bitter end
And lived to tell the tale