Mum meets Mary....

Ever since I found out that I have a job

I've been feeling very strange

It's not a feeling I can easily explain

And can't even put a word on it

When I got the news 

I was home alone 

I had no one to talk to

So I had to try and process the information myself 

Without bouncing it off someone else

The only way I can describe this feeling

Was like it was all too good to be true 

Like I was waiting for the catch

I'm not entirely used to things going my way

So this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the job

I almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the job

So I wouldn't have to try

And have the possibility of failure

I doubt myself so much

And yesterday 

I questioned my ability to do a job well

I questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring me

In fairness 

They must think I can do the job since the did give me the position

And my mum and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work 

But I feel

Well

I don't know 

I know I'm not explaining myself very well here

I am just trying to make sense of this situation

I know I should probably be celebrating

But I can't seem to shake this funny feeling 

And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it

I woke up this morning 

Another pound lost

My BMI now 17

I felt nothing 

Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life away

And for what?

I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit 

And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about me

She said that I am out of control 

That evenings are my worst time

She is not wrong 

In the evening I could purge up to six times

It has to stop

I saw Mary this afternoon

My Mum and I went in to the village early 

And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods 

Then headed down to the health centre 

Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her book

I made my way up to Mary's office

And took a seat 

I mentioned that Mum was with me

And Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the session

I agreed 

And ran down and told Mum

Who would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat 

I told Mary about the job

And she was delighted for me

She also told me that she had some information on the horse centre I was planning on going to

Mary had spoken to the girls there

And it's actually horse therapy

That is about an hour from my house

So I took their number

Excited at the prospect of starting

I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary 

She said it sounded like anxiety

But in a different form than I am used to 

And I guess that makes sense

I am anxious to join the working world

I'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staff

Mary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy 

And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazing

Because we are afraid 

At least I have recognised it though 

And can work on it 

Mary then weighed me

I lost 1.5kg from last week 

Mary then asked me to call my Mum up

Which I did 

They exchanged pleasantries 

They have met before 

Many times 

The session was tough 

But it was necessary 

We decided that as a family 

We would make a meal plan 

Sit at the table for all meals together

Mary also stressed the importance of my support groups 

So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary again

That is going to be a challenge 

But one I really want to do 

We finished up 

And Mum and I headed home 

Over cups of tea at home

My sister and I did put a meal plan for the week 

So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow 

The hard thing is going to be not purging 

But I have to do it 

I just have to grit my teeth

Sit with the feeling

And just do it 

Hopefully eating enough during the day 

Will help ease the bingeing in the evening 

In fact I know it will

Mary said something surprising to me yesterday 

She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now 

Then that would be fine 

I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos 

But maybe she means just for now

I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home 

I got through to a girl called A 

I told her who I was 

And how I had come across her number

She asked me a bit about myself 

I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon 

But it just sort of came out

She explained what they do at the centre

It usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson 

But this only costs €15

So happy days!

We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pm

You guys?

I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!

And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start work

Things are finally falling in to place for me

And I can't wait to see what the future holds 

Horse therapy 

A job I love 

These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest days

And now they are happening!

They are actually happening!

I feel excitement bubbling inside me

I've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit in

Somewhere where I belong 

This could be it 

This could be what I'm looking for 

I thought I had found it in drugs and ED

But that never worked out

Now I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned 

I can't afford to lose any more weight 

And the threat of pancreatitis is always there 

If I want to be healthy and strong and able

I need to feed and nourish my body 

I need to allow myself good food

And enough good food 

I need to allow myself to keep it down 

And not feel guilty for it

In short

There is much to look forward to

Life starts now

Hang on to your hats people

It's going to be a crazy ride....

Job Update!

Man I thought today would never come

Having rang the manager of the centre last week

She told me that I would hear about the job yesterday or today

I patiently waited for the post man

And manned my phone 24 hours a day

Hoping to hear something

Anything

When the post hadn't come this morning

I popped in to my neighbour 

To see if she had got her post

She had

Which meant no letter today

And being the impatient little madam that I am 

I just couldn't wait any longer 

I had to know

So I found the managers number 

And paced up and down the room

As I waited for her to answer 

I was just about to hang up

When she answered 

She said she recognised my number

As she was going to ring me later on today

She also said that there was a letter in the post for me

I tentatively asked if the position had been filled

She said it had 

And unfortunately I didn't get it

My heart sank 

I knew it was a long shot going for this job

But I still felt it like a punch in the stomach 

Before I could even process this information

She continued to speak

'But' she said

'We were thinking of you to work in the holiday centre during the summer months, how would you feel about that?'

My sunken heart lifted 

And all of a sudden 

It was good news

You see, I actually applied for two jobs

One in the assisted living centre

And one in the holiday centre

For the months May to August

So yes 

They offered me the job in the holiday centre!

I was super excited to hear this 

And tried to contain myself as she explained the job description

Basically

It would be 30 hours a week

Meeting and greeting guests

Dining room duty

House keeping

And just being there to assist guests

The centre is run by a charity

And provides holidays for people that ordinarily could not afford one 

So on top of everything 

It's for a good cause

Yay!!!

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I will have a job

There is no one at home today to talk to

So I rang my Dad

Who was delighted when I told him

He said it was a good opportunity to get back and track

And be as well as I can 

So I can work 

And yes

It is definitely an incentive to get healthy and strong 

It just feels so strange

I went for my first interview in ten years

And it all worked out for me

I keep thinking that they are going to ring me back

And say that they made a mistake 

In fact that I did not get the job

But really and truly 

I think I am better suited to this type of work

Rather than working with the elderly 

I like to meet people 

Love to have a chat 

And the craic 

And the holiday centre job is ideal for this 

I can imagine it would be really busy

And I love that 

I love having things to do 

Jobs to do

Places to be 

People to meet 

So all in all 

It's a great result!

The manger said I would be trained in May 

Ready to start for the summer season

So now is my chance to get in to recovery again 

Out with the scale 

Out with the purging 

And in with eating well

And generally looking after myself a bit better

Right 

I'm off to tell my neighbour the good news

See you on the next post....

Monday 8 February

Monday morning again

Gosh it comes around very quickly

Over the last couple of weeks 

We have acquired a new passenger on our weekly trip to the doctor

My neighbour now comes with us

As she had an appointment 

We joked this morning that soon we'll need to hire a mini bus for our little outing!

So we all piled in to my mothers little Toyota Yaris

No dogs this morning 

As it was pouring rain

And headed for the doctors 

Both mine and my neighbours appointment was at 9am

We arrived on time 

And I was called in before I even sat down

And my neighbour took a seat

My usual doctor is off this week

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead 

She is lovely 

I gave her a quick synopsis of the past couple of months 

We had a good chat 

She asked me if I have given up hope

I said I hadn't 

And I haven't 

I firmly believe I will get back on track 

I have to 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No

I don't think so

At least not yet anyway

I came out of the doctors 

And my neighbour was still waiting 

She hadn't been seen yet 

Just then

The receptionist called us to tell us that her doctor was delayed due to car trouble 

I decided to go on up to the pharmacy 

And get that much done 

I was gone about 15 minutes 

When I went back down to the surgery

My neighbour was still there 

Apparently 

An emergency had come in 

So we were further delayed 

A few minutes later 

We saw a child coming out with what looked like lotion all over his face

It must have been a burn

He was crying so hard 

Eventually my neighbour was called in

And I went out to wait in the car

About twenty minutes later

My neighbour emerged from the surgery

And we set off for home 

Yesterday was a tough day 

I hate Sunday's anyway 

But we had house full of visitors 

As it was my sisters birthday

And at the moment 

That is difficult 

When I am well 

I love having people in the house 

But when I am struggling 

It's not so easy 

When my mother gave me my medication in the morning

I noticed that she had accidentially given me more than was needed

Because I was feeling anxious 

I took more than was prescribed

It was only after taking the pills

That I saw they were out of date

I took five of them 

Not with the intention of overdosing

I just wanted to sleep

To escape 

To check out of reality for a while

It wasn't long before I began to feel drowsy

And a bit out of it

I retreated to my bedroom 

And got in to bed 

Telling the others I felt unwell 

Which I did 

I slept for about three hours 

And got up to have dinner with my family

I don't know what it is 

But I've been feeling like an outsider on my family recently 

I feel like I am on the outside looking 

Excluded

Not part of things

I must stress that it's nothing that my family is doing

It's just indicative of my mental state at the moment 

My mood is low 

And with that 

My confidence and self esteem are in my boots 

It's hard to get involved in the family when I am feeling like this 

I just wanted to be alone

And be out of it

That is the ugly truth

We played a family game in the evening

Called My dysfunctional family

It was a laugh 

But it was a forced laugh on my part

Some of the visitors left in the evening m

I had a shower 

And got in to my pyjamas

I was relieved the day was nearly over

I weighed myself when I woke up this morning 

Just out of curiosity 

After a month of being the same weight

The numbers finally moved 

And I lost weight 

Usually I'd get a little buzz out of that 

But this morning I felt nothing

Absolutely nothing 

Time is going by so very quickly

It's scary how fast the years go by

I turn 35 this September

I swear I feel no more than 21

Yet a feel like I've lived so many different lives 

I keep hearing the interviewer from my job 

Telling me that I had a very 'interesting existence'

I guess I have 

My life has not been easy

But I still feel blessed for everything I have 

And I know if I want more 

I have to bloody well work for it

I have so many dreams and ideas 

That I don't know where to start 

I know if I put all my time and energy in to something worthwhile

As much energy as I put in to self destructing 

Then I might have a fighting chance at a good life

I went to such great lengths in my addiction and ED 

I literally would have done anything for the drug and to lose weight 

And by all rights

I should be willing to do anything for my recovery 

But as you know 

It's not easy 

Life itself is not easy 

Never mind with an ED and opiate addiction 

Everyone has bumps in the road 

Everyone has a story to tell

I am no different 

The only difference is that I choose to write publicly about it

And reach out to others

I believe I will come through this 

I believe that eventually I will put my issues behind me

Or at the very least learn how to manage them so i have some semblance of a normal life 

I have to believe this 

I can picture it so vividly 

Being well

Having my own place 

Studying 

Working 

Friends 

Boyfriends 

Fun 

Laughter 

Hard work

And hard play 

It's all so close I can almost taste it

It's there for me

I just need to reach out and grab it

And it's that leap of faith that is so very hard 

We all have a comfort zone 

Which of course is safe and comfortable 

We could stay there for the rest of our lives 

Content 

But there is so much to gain by moving out of that zone

Yes it's difficult to push past it

It's uncomfortable 

Scary 

It's venturing in to the unknown 

But the rewards are great

If we can just push the boundaries 

There is so much to gain 

And I know that is exactly what I need to do, if I want to recover

I do try to step outside my comfort zone 

But I know there is so much more I could be doing 

It's baby steps 

Baby steps all the way 

I wish you a good day today 

I wish you health and happiness and laughter and fun

I appreciate your reading and supporting my blog 

I would be lost without you...

Job Update

As you may know

I applied for a job a couple of weeks ago

In an assisted living centre for the elderly

I sent in my application

And made it to the interview round

Which I had last Thursday

I was hoping to hear something this week

But I didn't hear a peep

As you also may know 

I have little or no patience 

I checked our letter box obsessively 

Hoping to find a letter 

It was killing me not knowing if I had got the job or not

I just wanted to know either way

So 

After there was no word yesterday

The thought of having to wait the whole weekend for an update was too much

And I decided to take the bull by the horns 

And ring the manager of the centre

Who was also one of the interviewers 

I dialled the number 

And waited as the phone rang and rang

Just as I was about to end the call

The manager picked up

I told her who I was 

She remembered me

Which I thought was a good sign

And asked if the position had been filled

I was fully expecting her to say it had been 

But instead 

She apologised

And informed me that the board needed to have one more meeting before making a final decision 

I took that as good news 

I still might have a chance!

The manager asked me if I was interested in the summer job 

Which would be working in their holiday centre for the summer months

I thought 'What the hell

And said I was

A job is a job right?

That led me to think that she might have me in mind for that job

I'd be happy with that

I'm just excited for someone to give me a chance to show that I can work hard and well 

And I think the holiday centre would be a lovely place to work 

It would mean dealing with people all day

Which would give me little or no time to devote to my ED

It would give me structure and purpose

Things I really crave at the moment

Although I think I still have a shot at getting the job in the assisted living centre

I feel they may be looking for someone with more experience 

But the thing is 

How am I to gain experience if no one gives me a chance?

It might be a gamble to employ me

But it's a gamble that I believe could pay off

But

As ever 

I have all bases covered 

And there is the option of the stables 

If the job doesn't pan out

And that is something that I am super excited about

The stables itself is quite near where I live

And it's a whole new project

So it would be awesome to be part of that

So what ever happens 

I will be happy either way 

It's actually exciting to see what will happen in the future now

I've been stuck for so long 

So to be finally moving forward 

And making steps to get well and gel myself is really making me feel good about myself 

My doctor is always telling me that I am too talented to just be sitting around 

I don't know about being talented 

But I could just waste my life away out in here in my little house

For a long time 

I didn't want to do anything 

I didn't want to move forward

I was content to abuse my meds

And spend my days slipping in and out of sleep 

Sitting on the mat beside the fire place 

Chain smoking 

Not giving a shit about myself 

Or anything else 

But there has been change in the last couple of years 

I am now 18 months smoke free

I've had periods of time when my ED was in remission

I am now taking my meds correctly and properly 

Which is huge progress

As for years I had used and abused them 

Now

My Mother looks after my meds

And gives me them every morning 

And that seems to work

I know I can't trust myself to take them properly 

And there is nothing wrong with a bit of support

Whatever works, right?

So 

All in all 

Things are moving along nicely 

Of course there is much work to do 

There is always work to do

But I feel like I am finally getting a grip on my life 

My ED is a daily battle

I have good days 

And bad days 

Days when I don't want to get out of bed 

Days when my purging is off the scale 

But the good days more than make up for the bad ones 

I have days when I laugh until my sides hurt

I have days when I feel loved and liked and needed and wanted

On a good day I feel something approaching happiness

I feel content to be me

I look at myself in the mirror 

And feel ok with what I see

These days make it all worthwhile 

Which brings me to my next point

I want you to know 

That no matter how bad things get 

No matter how low you go

There is always hope 

There are always possibilities and opportunities 

There is always a way out

Sometimes our issues and problems become so heavy 

That we don't think we can carry on 

I know 

I have been there

Addiction and disordered eating have been part of my life for 15 years now

But you know what?

I live with these conditions

I don't die with them 

I have been at deaths door 

Many many times 

I know I am lucky to have made it out alive 

For the longest time

Mine and my families life was bedlam 

So chaotic

So dysfunctional 

So all over the place

But we rode the storm

And came out the other side stronger and closer than ever 

They saw that doctors hate to see a patient with an ED coming

As they are so hard to treat

And often the one person who has the key to recovery is the one person that doesn't want to recover 

EDs are complex and complicated illness

Every one is different 

Everyone is individual 

And even though the symptoms are the same 

Each case must be treated differently 

It's not easy

By nature 

We ED girls are secretive and private 

We don't want others to know our shameful secrets 

Heck we can barely admit them to ourselves

Never mind anyone else 

But if we want to recover

We need to take that leap of faith 

Bite the bully 

And take a chance on opening up to someone 

Over the years 

I have come to a point where I can talk and write pretty openly about my life, my addiction and my ED

Maybe I am too open 

I don't know 

But I do know for a fact

That talking about it helps

Opening up and sharing the weight of our troubles helps 

It lessens the burden 

It helps us let go

So 

Today 

I ask you

I urge you

To talk to someone 

Choose one person 

Someone you trust 

A family member 

A friend 

Maybe someone on the Internet 

Pick one person

And talk to them 

Tell them what's in your head

And what is breaking your heart

You won't regret it

And I promise you you'll feel better 

So do it

Don't even think about it

Or give yourself time to back out of it

Just do it

Even if it's an experiment to see what happens 

Just do it you have nothing to lose...

If you did happen to talk to someone today

Let me know how you got on

Who you spoke to

How it went 

How you felt afterwards 

Inquiring minds want to know...

Update

I guess a personal update is long over due

I had a few appointments with the professionals this week

My doctor on Monday

My psychiatrist on Tuesday

And Mary on Wednesday 

My psychiatrist is good

On the ball

Just like Mary

He had been talking about increasing my Prozac in an effort to get back on track

But this week

He decided against it

He made the point that I am on so many meds as it is 

And the goal should be to be medication free

I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't taking something

Prescribed or otherwise 

Probably in my teens 

If not before 

I really can't remember what it's like to be stone cold sober

The thought scares me though

I am afraid that I won't be able to cope on my own 

Without the addition of drugs

But I guess that's where occupation comes in 

If I am filling my days with something I love 

I'll be content enough to not want to escape my own head

And my own reality 

That's why the job would have been ideal

Speaking of which 

I haven't heard a dickiebird yet

I'm pretty sure I would have heard by now if I had got it 

But that's ok

I'll learn and move on 

And on to the next thing 

It was a big deal for me just to apply and do the interview

That in itself is progress 

I have been thinking about work a lot

And the dancing I used to do with the kids

I would love to do it again 

And am seriously thinking about setting up a couple of classes again 

I just don't know if I have the confidence though 

Or the energy 

I also feel that I would need some more training myself to be the best teacher I can be

Anyway

It's something to think about 

In other news 

I've neither lost nor gained weight in about a month 

And am weighing less and less 

Mary weighed me on Wednesday 

And I was 0.3kg more than last week

And I was wearing Harvey clothes and trainers 

So I was pretty much the same 

I've spoken to my mum and sister a good bit recently 

Needless to say

They are concerned 

And I'm trying alleviate that 

I don't want them to worry 

But they know I am struggling 

They know about the purging 

I don't even try to hide it anymore 

I know they know 

And they know I know they know

Confusing but true 

I also spoke to Mary this week about working in the stables 

Mary had heard of a former social worker who was setting up a stables

And wanted volunteers with mental health issues 

So Mary is going to ring them

Tell them about me

And then pass on my details 

You guys 

I am super duper excited about this 

It's right up my street 

And to work with animals 

And meet people like me 

Would be nothing short of amazing 

I can't wait to get started 

And get stuck in 

They say that the key to happiness 

Is not having what you want

But wanting what you have 

Growing up

And through out my twenties 

I wanted a completely different life

I didn't want to live in our average, middle class life 

Sometimes I wished we were filthy rich 

And sometimes we lived in the slums

Strange I know 

But I hated being in the middle 

I much targeted the extremes 

But recently 

I've been feeling incredibly grateful

So thankful and joyful and blessed 

For what I have 

Yes

There are a lot of people in the world who have a lot more than me

But compared to some

I have more than enough 

I know I say it a lot

But every day I thank my lucky stars 

That I have a strong family behind me

Especially my mother 

Who is a tower of strength

And the back bone of our family

I have two older sisters

An older brother 

And a father who I now get on well with after years of not 

I am grateful that I live in a happy, comfortable and safe home

That there's a roof over my head

And food in my fridge

I am grateful that I have my own bedroom

And sleep in a clean dry bed every night 

I am grateful that I have two happy dogs 

Who are the light of my life

And keep me sane and grounded

I am grateful for the professionals in my life

My long suffering doctor 

Mary who is endlessly patient

And my psychiatrist who fights my corner 

My family and I have come through a lot

The important thing is that we got through it

And came out the other side

We are stronger for it

One thing we never did was give up

We weathered the storm

Hung in there 

 Fought  until the bitter end 

And lived to tell the tale 

Obsessed with my body - C4 Documentary

First of all

Apologies for the radio silence

And for worrying you

It wasn't an intentional thing not to post

But I did feel the need to be quiet for a couple of days

Thank you for your comments and emails of concern 

I am back....

I watched a show last night called Obsessed with my body

It was a documentary about vanity in males

And the explosion in fitness and health among young men

In the documentary 

Various young guys were interviewed

The camera followed one guy as he went about his daily routine

Spa treatments 

Followed by a hair do

During which the hairdresser asked him if he was going out that night

The guy said he wasn't 

That he was just going home to try n clothes

He admitted to taking hundreds of selfies a day 

And posted the ones he deemed good enough on social media 

During the documentary 

This guy went back to his home town to see his family 

He showed us his old school

Where he used to be bullied mercilessly 

His nose had been broken 

Twice 

It soon became clear 

That bubbling under the surface of this guys vanity 

Was a lot of hurt 

A lot of pain

And insecurity 

He admitted that he used his looks as a shield 

And seemed afraid to let anyone see the real him

He broke down in tears as he told us about his brother who had drowned 

My heart went out to him

The documentary also followed the huge fitness craze amongst men at the moment 

We were introduced to two cousins 

Who were in the process of trying to build  up a fitness empire on YouTube 

They have 8000 followers

And post inspiring videos

They were both in amazing shape

You can't deny that 

And they seemed like nice guys 

I just don't think it's healthy to put so much focus and emphises on looks

Then there was 16 year old Duncan

Duncan was from Scotland

A body builder 

We followed his story as he was competing in his first body building competition 

He worked hard at his fitness

And on the day of the competition 

He went to get his fake tan done 

The results were hilarious 

He was literally the colour of mahogany

But apparently they need to be dark while on stage 

So the lights pick up the definition on the body

The last guy who was interviewed

Spoke about his battle with anorexia

After some cruel

Comments from a class mate about his weight

This young guy stopped eating 

And lost 35 pounds in 3 months 

He is now weight restored 

And on the mend 

But it's taken blood, sweat and tears to get there 

I thought this documentary was eye opening 

Like a lot of people do

It's easy to forget that men worry about their bodies too

I think in my four years here on blogger

I have only ever come across one make blogger 

Who has since disappeared 

This also bears out in treatment 

Although the documentary stated that last year, 300 000 males in the UK were treated for eating disorders

In all my time in treatment 

I only ever met one male

As hard as it is to be a female with an ED

I fear it must be even more difficult to be a make suffering with an ED

EDs are historically seen a rich white girls disease

Of course this is a stereotype

And categorically untrue 

EDs do not discriminate 

And can effect anyone 

Any race 

Any gender 

Any age

It can happen to anyone 

No one is immune

A big craze at the moment is fitness

It's everywhere 

All over social media 

In magazines 

TV shows 

In this country 

There is a show called Operation Transformation

Where six members of the public try to change their lives by losing weight and getting fit 

And at the moment there is a noticeable increase in the amount of people out walking and running 

The shops are full of active wear clothing

There is also a campaign here to try as a nation to lose one million pounds 

Now I'm all for getting fit and healthy 

But there is a line 

A very fine line 

Where if you cross it

You become obsessed with it

It used to be mostly women who felt the pressure to tone up

But now it seems that men have the same, if not more pressure, on their shoulders 

Where males are concerned 

It seems it is the bigger the better 

Where as we girls seem to buy in to the idea that small is best

It's the thing that unites both men and women

We want to look out best

And our image has never been so important 

Because we put our lives on line for all to see

On Facebook

Instagram

Twitter

It seems that something didn't really happen 

Unless it was captured on camera 

And posted on Facebook 

They say a person makes up their mind about someone in seconds

We assess others in jig time

Their appearance 

Their body language

Their hair

Their clothes

We decide if they are some one we want to know

If we are attracted to them 

If we don't like them

And all before even speaking to someone

Everything is visual nowadays 

We take photos of everything

Our food

Our pets 

Our children

Our holidays 

Our outfits 

And we all look at everyone else's photos too

In a kind of a 'who has the best life?'competition 

When I was in rehab for the first time 

There was a pro boxer

Who got obvious reasons 

I will call The Boxer

He was bulimic 

And felt massive pressure to make weight

I can remember him at meal times

He would eat his own food

And anything you left on your plate

He was also a cocaine addict

And came in to treatment very thin

Almost doubled his body weight in four months 

I wonder how he is now

I think that images of models and very thin actresses and celebrities can exacerbate an ED

But I don't think they cause one solely by themselves

I think there are many factors that contribute towards someone developing an ED

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you come across many males in the ED world?

Was their experience different to ours?

Why do you think that we don't hear from a lot of men here on blogger?

Inquiring mind want to know....

Thin

I was going through one of my notebooks over the weekend

And I stumbled upon a page titled 'Weight loss Challenge'

It was dated last summer

About two weeks before my mothers retirement do

I had carefully printed my weight

And the amount of weight I wanted to lose

I vaguely remembered writing this 

My whole family were going to be at this do

And I really wanted to look my best 

I had an orange and cream dress picked out

And it just about zipped up

My BMI was about 22

I wasn't unhappy

But I felt I should lose weight

I'm not even sure why 

My weight loss never happened though

And I went to mums do the the exact same weight 

Now there are photos all over our house of that night 

And funnily enough

People always say that I look really well in those photos 

I look bright 

Healthy 

Alive 

Now?

Well not so much 

My BMI has gone down almost five points 

I'm pale 

Wan

Sick looking 

 I any happier now that I have lost weight?

I can categorically answer no to that question 

I was speaking with my mother and sister over dinner a few days ago

My sister wanted to why and when this latest relapse had begun

My memory is not great at the best of times 

Fortunately my mother has the memory of an elephant 

And she could remember back to last November

When I spoke about wanting to lose weight

Remember the navy trousers?

They seemed to be the trigger

But really

I think it started sooner than that 

I think as far back as my holiday in September 

Things were changing

My mood was slowly but surely heading south 

I got back in to a pattern of purging while on holidays 

Therefore probably wasn't getting the benefit of my medication

Which led again to low mood

And that cycle continued

The navy trousers were just another symptom of a greater problem 

So here I am 

26 pounds lighter

And not one iota happier

All I feel is a hole in my soul

My clothes don't fit 

My face tells the story of every pound I've lost and gained 

I feel tired 

So very tired

Tired of playing this game 

This illness

The never ending cycle of 

Get well

Relapse 

Get well

Relapse

I swear 

More than anything else 

I am God damned bored of this illness

I want more 

I want to live my life 

To me

This illness has put my life on hold 

I had been doing well 

I had begun to take control of my own life 

I know I can get back there again 

I really believe that I can

I've battled constantly for years 

To get to the point where most people start off

But that's ok 

I don't wish my life were different

It's made me strong 

It's made my family strong

In a strange way

It has brought us closer than we've ever been

But of course 

It would be preferable not to have so much to deal with 

But I'm doing ok

We are doing ok 

So

Where to from here? 

As always 

It's baby steps 

Work with Mary

Work on the purging 

Eat little and often

Get out of the house more

Allow myself to gain a little weight

And I know along with that Will come feeling better 

I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those around me 

To witness my attempts to loll myself 

Because that's what an ED is

A slow suicide 

Don't kid yourself that it's anything less than that 

My sister regularly comments on my thin body at the moment 

My old anorectic self would love this

Not anymore 

I can see the worry in her eyes

And she has enough to deal with

Without having to worry about me

I know that my family feel helpless 

There is really nothing they can do to help me

Yes they are there 

And that is a huge support

But they can't force feed me

They can't stop me from purging 

I am a grown woman 

These are choices that I make 

And there is nothing anyone can do to help me 

You would think that I would have learned over time 

That thin does not equal happiness

But I keep falling for that line 

Hook, line and sinker 

I know I look better when I have at least another 15 pounds on me

I am only beginning to look better then

In recent years 

I have been 28-35 pounds heavier

And felt a lot better for it 

At the moment 

I feel like the wAlking dead

And I've been a lot thinner than this at times 

I can't imagine how ill I must have been then

Anyway

In other news 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He reduced my methadone by 2mls

Down to 26mls

I couldn't think of a reason to argue with him

So I went along with it 

I told him about the job interview last week 

He told me about another patient he saw recently 

Who also went for the job

She was already a home help

Working in the community with the elderly 

So she would have a lot of experience 

I guess that's what I'm up against 

Others who have a vast knowledge of the job

I am starting to think that I have not a chance to get the job

But I do have a plan B

So all is not lost 

I have since found out about two other stables bear enough to my area

Where they take people with mental health issues 

To work along side the horses in a therapeutic environment

So I am excited about that 

I really think I would get so much benefit from that kind of work

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Really it's my ideal job

And getting the value of therapy from it would be an added bonus

So 

Lots to think about 

Lots to get excited about 

If nothing else the interview was good experience 

And I can always ask for feed back to see what areas I can improve on

I guess my health is a priority at the moment 

Physical and mental 

I trust that something for me won't pass me by 

I just need to keep my eyes and ears open 

Be positive 

Open minded 

And willing to learn 

I've come so far 

I'm not going to give up yet

Not by a long shot.....