Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning

And I am sat

Crosslegged

On my living room floor

With a hot cup of tea

And the TV on in the background

I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting

And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 

It was quite strange really

But in the last couple of days 

I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 

Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting

But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 

The meeting was about half an hour away

So I asked my Mum to come 

As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 

And ended up somewhere completely different 

So what has kept me away from the meetings?

Anxiety mainly 

And fear that people don't like me 

But yesterday 

Well

I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 

I'm not quite sure why 

But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20

I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 

That I couldn't even talk 

I just kept thinking 

It'll be over before i know it

We arrived at the building 

There were only two cars in the car park

I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 

I could see movement 

People I didn't recognise 

I took a deep breath

Opened the car door

And headed for the entrance 

Walking in

My body felt weak and heavy with nerves

Walking up the stairs 

I could barely lift my feet

I felt like I was going to hit the deck

But I kept going 

I came to a closed door 

I could hear voices beyond 

I silently reached for the handle 

And pushed in

I scanned the room quickly

Three guys 

I didn't recognise any of them 

The meeting had started 

So I took the nearest seat 

And took deep breathes to calm down 

Just then the door opened 

And a girl walked in

She smiled at me as she came in

I smiled back

And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 

But at the start 

The literature is read out 

Which takes about 15 minutes 

Then the meeting is opened 

And people can share 

Although there is no pressure 

You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to

I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 

Just to get myself in the door 

But being there 

And feeling the magic of the programme 

I decided to say a few words

I didn't say anything too personal

Just a bit about myself 

And my story 

I finished up 

And the final literature was read out 

We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 

And that was it

It was over 

I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards

She gave me her number 

Which I thought was really nice of her 

All in all

It was a good experience 

And I'm glad I went 

But I know the real test for me 

Is going when I don't want to go

When I think I don't need to go 

When it's raining outside 

And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 

Usually 

People in recovery count their clean time 

I never have 

Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 

But I can see the benefit of it

From counting my smoke free time

So I've decided to start today 

St. Valentine's Day 

Day number one 

As always 

Thank you for your continued support 

It means more than you know

Meeting

I'm going to do it 

I'm finally going to do it 

After over a year of avoiding it

And putting it off 

I'm going to go to a meeting this evening

My Mum is coming for support

I feel I need someone just to be there 

To talk me out of it if I decided to back out

No better woman than my mother for this 

I can't lie

I feel scared

Beyond anxious

And my nerves are shot

I'll go

But I don't think I'll speak

The goal is to just be there

To listen 

To soak up the recovery 

And the positivity 

To connect with others 

And do something good for myself 

I'll be leaving at 5 30pm

For the meeting at 6pm

Until then 

I am trying to stay busy 

And keep calm 

Wish me luck

I'm going to need it.....

28

As of this morning 

I have lost two stone in weight

28 pounds

I looked back over my notebooks 

Where I carefully recorded each weight 

I started losing weight in November

And have steadily lost since then

I'm not sharing this with you to brag

To boast 

Equally 

I'm not sharing it with you to concern you

Or worry you

It's not something I'm proud of

I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 

I can't go on like this

Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 

I have much to look forward to now

My horse therapy

My job 

My ED is gone in to panic mode

As it knows I am fighting back 

But just because I have things to look forward to 

Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen

The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 

But 

I'm not going down without a fight 

It's time to close ranks 

Use my supports 

Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required

And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?

It's not quite a physical fight

It's behavioural 

Its psychological 

It's emotional

It means eating three meals a day 

At the table

With my family 

It means no purging 

Which is the big one

I haven't gone a day without purging in years 

It has become just another habit in my life

I wake up 

Brush my teeth 

Eat something 

Purge 

It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 

I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day

And wasn't going anywhere

But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED

She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 

That I can recover 

Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 

Two amazingly strong women

Who both believe in me 

It was powerful 

I couldn't have two better women on my side 

I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

Finally 

It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 

The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 

It's thrilling 

It's terrifying 

It's venturing in to the unknown

I can't lie 

I am petrified 

But I am ready 

I am so ready 

For the next phase of my life 

For recovery 

From both my ED and my addiction

I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me

Screw the anxiety 

Screw the fear

This is about my getting well 

That's my priority right now

I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it

I'm now 18 months smoke free

And let me tell you

I was a dedicated smoker 

I joke with my sister that when I start earning money

I'm going to take it up again

But I know I won't 

Going back isn't an option 

I find that once I get my head around something 

Then I can do it 

Like with smoking 

Mentally giving up was half the battle

I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging

I just need to establish a new habit

A new pattern 

A new way of doing things 

I guess at first 

Distraction will be the name of the game

After eating 

I need to distract, distract, distract!

Get out of the house

Walk the dogs 

Go for a drive

And stay away from bathrooms

I know it will be tough

At first it will be uncomfortable

As my body gets used to keeping food down 

It will be a strange sensation

Actually letting my food digest

But it's something that has to be done

If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job

I need to be healthy

I need to feed my body 

When I'm busy

I know I find it hard to eat

Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed

And to keep on top of my health

And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes

There is much to look forward to 

And much work to do 

I have about three months before I start work to get on track

And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence

As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 

But 

I'm ready 

Come on life

Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November

And the following one this morning 

Mum meets Mary....

Ever since I found out that I have a job

I've been feeling very strange

It's not a feeling I can easily explain

And can't even put a word on it

When I got the news 

I was home alone 

I had no one to talk to

So I had to try and process the information myself 

Without bouncing it off someone else

The only way I can describe this feeling

Was like it was all too good to be true 

Like I was waiting for the catch

I'm not entirely used to things going my way

So this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the job

I almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the job

So I wouldn't have to try

And have the possibility of failure

I doubt myself so much

And yesterday 

I questioned my ability to do a job well

I questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring me

In fairness 

They must think I can do the job since the did give me the position

And my mum and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work 

But I feel

Well

I don't know 

I know I'm not explaining myself very well here

I am just trying to make sense of this situation

I know I should probably be celebrating

But I can't seem to shake this funny feeling 

And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it

I woke up this morning 

Another pound lost

My BMI now 17

I felt nothing 

Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life away

And for what?

I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit 

And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about me

She said that I am out of control 

That evenings are my worst time

She is not wrong 

In the evening I could purge up to six times

It has to stop

I saw Mary this afternoon

My Mum and I went in to the village early 

And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods 

Then headed down to the health centre 

Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her book

I made my way up to Mary's office

And took a seat 

I mentioned that Mum was with me

And Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the session

I agreed 

And ran down and told Mum

Who would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat 

I told Mary about the job

And she was delighted for me

She also told me that she had some information on the horse centre I was planning on going to

Mary had spoken to the girls there

And it's actually horse therapy

That is about an hour from my house

So I took their number

Excited at the prospect of starting

I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary 

She said it sounded like anxiety

But in a different form than I am used to 

And I guess that makes sense

I am anxious to join the working world

I'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staff

Mary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy 

And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazing

Because we are afraid 

At least I have recognised it though 

And can work on it 

Mary then weighed me

I lost 1.5kg from last week 

Mary then asked me to call my Mum up

Which I did 

They exchanged pleasantries 

They have met before 

Many times 

The session was tough 

But it was necessary 

We decided that as a family 

We would make a meal plan 

Sit at the table for all meals together

Mary also stressed the importance of my support groups 

So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary again

That is going to be a challenge 

But one I really want to do 

We finished up 

And Mum and I headed home 

Over cups of tea at home

My sister and I did put a meal plan for the week 

So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow 

The hard thing is going to be not purging 

But I have to do it 

I just have to grit my teeth

Sit with the feeling

And just do it 

Hopefully eating enough during the day 

Will help ease the bingeing in the evening 

In fact I know it will

Mary said something surprising to me yesterday 

She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now 

Then that would be fine 

I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos 

But maybe she means just for now

I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home 

I got through to a girl called A 

I told her who I was 

And how I had come across her number

She asked me a bit about myself 

I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon 

But it just sort of came out

She explained what they do at the centre

It usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson 

But this only costs €15

So happy days!

We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pm

You guys?

I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!

And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start work

Things are finally falling in to place for me

And I can't wait to see what the future holds 

Horse therapy 

A job I love 

These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest days

And now they are happening!

They are actually happening!

I feel excitement bubbling inside me

I've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit in

Somewhere where I belong 

This could be it 

This could be what I'm looking for 

I thought I had found it in drugs and ED

But that never worked out

Now I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned 

I can't afford to lose any more weight 

And the threat of pancreatitis is always there 

If I want to be healthy and strong and able

I need to feed and nourish my body 

I need to allow myself good food

And enough good food 

I need to allow myself to keep it down 

And not feel guilty for it

In short

There is much to look forward to

Life starts now

Hang on to your hats people

It's going to be a crazy ride....

Job Update!

Man I thought today would never come

Having rang the manager of the centre last week

She told me that I would hear about the job yesterday or today

I patiently waited for the post man

And manned my phone 24 hours a day

Hoping to hear something

Anything

When the post hadn't come this morning

I popped in to my neighbour 

To see if she had got her post

She had

Which meant no letter today

And being the impatient little madam that I am 

I just couldn't wait any longer 

I had to know

So I found the managers number 

And paced up and down the room

As I waited for her to answer 

I was just about to hang up

When she answered 

She said she recognised my number

As she was going to ring me later on today

She also said that there was a letter in the post for me

I tentatively asked if the position had been filled

She said it had 

And unfortunately I didn't get it

My heart sank 

I knew it was a long shot going for this job

But I still felt it like a punch in the stomach 

Before I could even process this information

She continued to speak

'But' she said

'We were thinking of you to work in the holiday centre during the summer months, how would you feel about that?'

My sunken heart lifted 

And all of a sudden 

It was good news

You see, I actually applied for two jobs

One in the assisted living centre

And one in the holiday centre

For the months May to August

So yes 

They offered me the job in the holiday centre!

I was super excited to hear this 

And tried to contain myself as she explained the job description

Basically

It would be 30 hours a week

Meeting and greeting guests

Dining room duty

House keeping

And just being there to assist guests

The centre is run by a charity

And provides holidays for people that ordinarily could not afford one 

So on top of everything 

It's for a good cause

Yay!!!

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I will have a job

There is no one at home today to talk to

So I rang my Dad

Who was delighted when I told him

He said it was a good opportunity to get back and track

And be as well as I can 

So I can work 

And yes

It is definitely an incentive to get healthy and strong 

It just feels so strange

I went for my first interview in ten years

And it all worked out for me

I keep thinking that they are going to ring me back

And say that they made a mistake 

In fact that I did not get the job

But really and truly 

I think I am better suited to this type of work

Rather than working with the elderly 

I like to meet people 

Love to have a chat 

And the craic 

And the holiday centre job is ideal for this 

I can imagine it would be really busy

And I love that 

I love having things to do 

Jobs to do

Places to be 

People to meet 

So all in all 

It's a great result!

The manger said I would be trained in May 

Ready to start for the summer season

So now is my chance to get in to recovery again 

Out with the scale 

Out with the purging 

And in with eating well

And generally looking after myself a bit better

Right 

I'm off to tell my neighbour the good news

See you on the next post....

Monday 8 February

Monday morning again

Gosh it comes around very quickly

Over the last couple of weeks 

We have acquired a new passenger on our weekly trip to the doctor

My neighbour now comes with us

As she had an appointment 

We joked this morning that soon we'll need to hire a mini bus for our little outing!

So we all piled in to my mothers little Toyota Yaris

No dogs this morning 

As it was pouring rain

And headed for the doctors 

Both mine and my neighbours appointment was at 9am

We arrived on time 

And I was called in before I even sat down

And my neighbour took a seat

My usual doctor is off this week

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead 

She is lovely 

I gave her a quick synopsis of the past couple of months 

We had a good chat 

She asked me if I have given up hope

I said I hadn't 

And I haven't 

I firmly believe I will get back on track 

I have to 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No

I don't think so

At least not yet anyway

I came out of the doctors 

And my neighbour was still waiting 

She hadn't been seen yet 

Just then

The receptionist called us to tell us that her doctor was delayed due to car trouble 

I decided to go on up to the pharmacy 

And get that much done 

I was gone about 15 minutes 

When I went back down to the surgery

My neighbour was still there 

Apparently 

An emergency had come in 

So we were further delayed 

A few minutes later 

We saw a child coming out with what looked like lotion all over his face

It must have been a burn

He was crying so hard 

Eventually my neighbour was called in

And I went out to wait in the car

About twenty minutes later

My neighbour emerged from the surgery

And we set off for home 

Yesterday was a tough day 

I hate Sunday's anyway 

But we had house full of visitors 

As it was my sisters birthday

And at the moment 

That is difficult 

When I am well 

I love having people in the house 

But when I am struggling 

It's not so easy 

When my mother gave me my medication in the morning

I noticed that she had accidentially given me more than was needed

Because I was feeling anxious 

I took more than was prescribed

It was only after taking the pills

That I saw they were out of date

I took five of them 

Not with the intention of overdosing

I just wanted to sleep

To escape 

To check out of reality for a while

It wasn't long before I began to feel drowsy

And a bit out of it

I retreated to my bedroom 

And got in to bed 

Telling the others I felt unwell 

Which I did 

I slept for about three hours 

And got up to have dinner with my family

I don't know what it is 

But I've been feeling like an outsider on my family recently 

I feel like I am on the outside looking 

Excluded

Not part of things

I must stress that it's nothing that my family is doing

It's just indicative of my mental state at the moment 

My mood is low 

And with that 

My confidence and self esteem are in my boots 

It's hard to get involved in the family when I am feeling like this 

I just wanted to be alone

And be out of it

That is the ugly truth

We played a family game in the evening

Called My dysfunctional family

It was a laugh 

But it was a forced laugh on my part

Some of the visitors left in the evening m

I had a shower 

And got in to my pyjamas

I was relieved the day was nearly over

I weighed myself when I woke up this morning 

Just out of curiosity 

After a month of being the same weight

The numbers finally moved 

And I lost weight 

Usually I'd get a little buzz out of that 

But this morning I felt nothing

Absolutely nothing 

Time is going by so very quickly

It's scary how fast the years go by

I turn 35 this September

I swear I feel no more than 21

Yet a feel like I've lived so many different lives 

I keep hearing the interviewer from my job 

Telling me that I had a very 'interesting existence'

I guess I have 

My life has not been easy

But I still feel blessed for everything I have 

And I know if I want more 

I have to bloody well work for it

I have so many dreams and ideas 

That I don't know where to start 

I know if I put all my time and energy in to something worthwhile

As much energy as I put in to self destructing 

Then I might have a fighting chance at a good life

I went to such great lengths in my addiction and ED 

I literally would have done anything for the drug and to lose weight 

And by all rights

I should be willing to do anything for my recovery 

But as you know 

It's not easy 

Life itself is not easy 

Never mind with an ED and opiate addiction 

Everyone has bumps in the road 

Everyone has a story to tell

I am no different 

The only difference is that I choose to write publicly about it

And reach out to others

I believe I will come through this 

I believe that eventually I will put my issues behind me

Or at the very least learn how to manage them so i have some semblance of a normal life 

I have to believe this 

I can picture it so vividly 

Being well

Having my own place 

Studying 

Working 

Friends 

Boyfriends 

Fun 

Laughter 

Hard work

And hard play 

It's all so close I can almost taste it

It's there for me

I just need to reach out and grab it

And it's that leap of faith that is so very hard 

We all have a comfort zone 

Which of course is safe and comfortable 

We could stay there for the rest of our lives 

Content 

But there is so much to gain by moving out of that zone

Yes it's difficult to push past it

It's uncomfortable 

Scary 

It's venturing in to the unknown 

But the rewards are great

If we can just push the boundaries 

There is so much to gain 

And I know that is exactly what I need to do, if I want to recover

I do try to step outside my comfort zone 

But I know there is so much more I could be doing 

It's baby steps 

Baby steps all the way 

I wish you a good day today 

I wish you health and happiness and laughter and fun

I appreciate your reading and supporting my blog 

I would be lost without you...

Job Update

As you may know

I applied for a job a couple of weeks ago

In an assisted living centre for the elderly

I sent in my application

And made it to the interview round

Which I had last Thursday

I was hoping to hear something this week

But I didn't hear a peep

As you also may know 

I have little or no patience 

I checked our letter box obsessively 

Hoping to find a letter 

It was killing me not knowing if I had got the job or not

I just wanted to know either way

So 

After there was no word yesterday

The thought of having to wait the whole weekend for an update was too much

And I decided to take the bull by the horns 

And ring the manager of the centre

Who was also one of the interviewers 

I dialled the number 

And waited as the phone rang and rang

Just as I was about to end the call

The manager picked up

I told her who I was 

She remembered me

Which I thought was a good sign

And asked if the position had been filled

I was fully expecting her to say it had been 

But instead 

She apologised

And informed me that the board needed to have one more meeting before making a final decision 

I took that as good news 

I still might have a chance!

The manager asked me if I was interested in the summer job 

Which would be working in their holiday centre for the summer months

I thought 'What the hell

And said I was

A job is a job right?

That led me to think that she might have me in mind for that job

I'd be happy with that

I'm just excited for someone to give me a chance to show that I can work hard and well 

And I think the holiday centre would be a lovely place to work 

It would mean dealing with people all day

Which would give me little or no time to devote to my ED

It would give me structure and purpose

Things I really crave at the moment

Although I think I still have a shot at getting the job in the assisted living centre

I feel they may be looking for someone with more experience 

But the thing is 

How am I to gain experience if no one gives me a chance?

It might be a gamble to employ me

But it's a gamble that I believe could pay off

But

As ever 

I have all bases covered 

And there is the option of the stables 

If the job doesn't pan out

And that is something that I am super excited about

The stables itself is quite near where I live

And it's a whole new project

So it would be awesome to be part of that

So what ever happens 

I will be happy either way 

It's actually exciting to see what will happen in the future now

I've been stuck for so long 

So to be finally moving forward 

And making steps to get well and gel myself is really making me feel good about myself 

My doctor is always telling me that I am too talented to just be sitting around 

I don't know about being talented 

But I could just waste my life away out in here in my little house

For a long time 

I didn't want to do anything 

I didn't want to move forward

I was content to abuse my meds

And spend my days slipping in and out of sleep 

Sitting on the mat beside the fire place 

Chain smoking 

Not giving a shit about myself 

Or anything else 

But there has been change in the last couple of years 

I am now 18 months smoke free

I've had periods of time when my ED was in remission

I am now taking my meds correctly and properly 

Which is huge progress

As for years I had used and abused them 

Now

My Mother looks after my meds

And gives me them every morning 

And that seems to work

I know I can't trust myself to take them properly 

And there is nothing wrong with a bit of support

Whatever works, right?

So 

All in all 

Things are moving along nicely 

Of course there is much work to do 

There is always work to do

But I feel like I am finally getting a grip on my life 

My ED is a daily battle

I have good days 

And bad days 

Days when I don't want to get out of bed 

Days when my purging is off the scale 

But the good days more than make up for the bad ones 

I have days when I laugh until my sides hurt

I have days when I feel loved and liked and needed and wanted

On a good day I feel something approaching happiness

I feel content to be me

I look at myself in the mirror 

And feel ok with what I see

These days make it all worthwhile 

Which brings me to my next point

I want you to know 

That no matter how bad things get 

No matter how low you go

There is always hope 

There are always possibilities and opportunities 

There is always a way out

Sometimes our issues and problems become so heavy 

That we don't think we can carry on 

I know 

I have been there

Addiction and disordered eating have been part of my life for 15 years now

But you know what?

I live with these conditions

I don't die with them 

I have been at deaths door 

Many many times 

I know I am lucky to have made it out alive 

For the longest time

Mine and my families life was bedlam 

So chaotic

So dysfunctional 

So all over the place

But we rode the storm

And came out the other side stronger and closer than ever 

They saw that doctors hate to see a patient with an ED coming

As they are so hard to treat

And often the one person who has the key to recovery is the one person that doesn't want to recover 

EDs are complex and complicated illness

Every one is different 

Everyone is individual 

And even though the symptoms are the same 

Each case must be treated differently 

It's not easy

By nature 

We ED girls are secretive and private 

We don't want others to know our shameful secrets 

Heck we can barely admit them to ourselves

Never mind anyone else 

But if we want to recover

We need to take that leap of faith 

Bite the bully 

And take a chance on opening up to someone 

Over the years 

I have come to a point where I can talk and write pretty openly about my life, my addiction and my ED

Maybe I am too open 

I don't know 

But I do know for a fact

That talking about it helps

Opening up and sharing the weight of our troubles helps 

It lessens the burden 

It helps us let go

So 

Today 

I ask you

I urge you

To talk to someone 

Choose one person 

Someone you trust 

A family member 

A friend 

Maybe someone on the Internet 

Pick one person

And talk to them 

Tell them what's in your head

And what is breaking your heart

You won't regret it

And I promise you you'll feel better 

So do it

Don't even think about it

Or give yourself time to back out of it

Just do it

Even if it's an experiment to see what happens 

Just do it you have nothing to lose...

If you did happen to talk to someone today

Let me know how you got on

Who you spoke to

How it went 

How you felt afterwards 

Inquiring minds want to know...