Thursday

So near

And yet so far

I had almost reached a full week purge free

Alas 

After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening 

I broke my streak 

It was actually two bowls of pasta

I made spaghetti bolognase for dinner

I gave myself a modest portion

And half way through 

I decided that I'd had enough 

And put it in the fridge

Later on

About two hours later

I decided I would have the rest of the pasta

I can't say I was hungry exactly

At least not physically hungry

Maybe emotionally hungry

The second I had it eaten 

I knew I was in trouble 

But instead of asking my family for help

Or trying to distract myself 

I headed to the bathroom

And did the dirty deed 

The relief felt good

But it was fleeting 

Immediately I felt guilty

Annoyed 

Frustrated 

I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging 

But it wasn't to be 

But 

Today is a new day. 

And a chance to get back on track 

I started off my day walking Lea

Honey elects to stay at home sometimes

We had a lovely walk

Then it was time for me to go and see Mary

Today I was seeing her in a town further afield 

In the new primary care centre

I get anxious going to new places

But 

I found it ok

And got parked nearby

I headed up to the second floor 

Where Mary told me her room was 

I settled in to a seat in the room

And Mary asked me how the past week has been 

I told her about all the good things 

The horses 

Helping out at the Easter camps

Meetings 

And of course starting to get a handle on the purging 

She seemed genuinely delighted for me

And to be making progress at long last is exciting 

We chatted for a while

Until she asked me if I had been weighing

I was honest 

And said I had a couple of times 

But the thing is

My mum and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading 

And weighing too high

According to my calculations

I have gained ten pounds in little more than a week

Anyway 

So Mary weighed me on her scales 

And it said I had gained two kilos 

So my own scale is wrong 

I was delighted to only have put on two kilos 

As I was convinced that I had gained more 

And anyway 

I could do with a couple of kilos 

So it's all good 

So 

Today is day 1 again

I can learn from my mistakes yesterday

And use that going forward

I am excited to be purge free

I know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour 

I've been purbing every single day since I was 19

Even in treatment I couldn't stop

Couldn't even get one day

It was just another part of my day

Eat 

Purge

Eat 

Purge

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom 

For the longest time

I didn't believe that I could stop

I was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life forever

But now 

Now I believe that I can stop

That it is possible to have a life post ED

I have given up harder things in the past 

So why not purging too?

And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging 

Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating 

I had more energy 

Wasn't so pale and wan looking 

My hair and nails and skin improved 

And I generally felt better about myself 

So 

Today is a fresh start

I know to avoid very filling foods at the moment

Such as pasta

Rice 

Potatoes 

For now 

Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them again

And eat a varied diet 

It's such a relief though

Not to be piling on the weight

Purging kept my weight low  

And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating 

And working the way it should 

Two kilos is not much 

And that's clothes 

Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or so

I am happy to maintain my weight at this 

A BMI of just over 18

I can live with that 

In fact I can live with anything up to 20

But 

As ever 

It's not the number that is important 

Or how I look 

What I weigh

The important thing is to be healthy and happy 

And I feel something approaching these two things 

And that my friends

Is a minor freakin' miracle

I really wanted to share this with you today

Because I want you to know that recovery is possible 

That there is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is recovery there for you and me

It's right in front of us 

We just need to reach out and grab

There is the danger of falling 

But that's ok

We can get up 

Dust ourselves off 

And continue on

Fall down seven times 

Get back up eight 

I am a firm believer in that 

So today 

Please 

Know that there is hope 

There is a life for you 

A life that is ED free 

Addiction free 

Self harm free

Believe me when I say that together we can beat our demons 

Together we can build a better life

We can recover 

We can reach our hopes and dreams 

It is possible 

I promise you that 

So today 

I urge you to step outside your comfort zone 

Push the boundaries 

Take a risk 

A risk in life 

You won't regret it

You won't be sorry 

We will get there 

I just know we will

Are you with me???

Wednesday

I was up early this morning 

To get things ready before I went horse riding

Those things being walking and feeding the dogs

As we were gone about three hours

I generally try not to leave them on their own for too long

3-4 hours is a long time for a dog

But once in a while it is ok

We were all heading in to town this morning 

My Mum was going to get book club

And myself and my sister heading a further half hour away to the stables

We left at about 10 30am

Stopped at the bank to get money 

Dropped Mum in town 

And continued on until we reached the stables 

Today I was on Star again

The teacher tells me that Star is the best horse to learn on

We did a lot of trotting today

And holy shit!

My ass kills!

I need to get some padding on there ASAP

But as ever 

It was so enjoyable 

The teacher asked me if I was free over Easter 

And if I would like to help with the camps she'll be doing with kids on their half term break

I was so excited to be asked

And said I would definitely love to do it 

So that is another thing to look forward to

Here are some photos from today....

Struggling

I'm almost a week purge free

And that is great

Nothing short of a small miracle

But I have to be honest

It's not easy

Not one little bit

I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks

I have one slice of toast in the morning

Maybe soup for lunch

And whatever is going for dinner

Usually 

I would eat a big portion

As it wouldn't be staying down 

So it didn't matter how much I ate

But now 

I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions

And I must admit 

I have been avoiding carbs

As hey make me feel way too full

I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 

And now any amount of food is uncomfortable

I feel like I am eating 

But the food isn't going any where

It's just sitting in my gut 

Take yesterday for example 

We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner

I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 

No chips 

As I knew they would fill me up completely 

Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 

The whole evening long I felt so full

So bloated 

And so uncomfortable 

This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 

Because I couldn't handle the full feeling

And now I am feeling full all day

It's doing my head in!

Last night 

I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 

My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon

And use a hot water bottle 

The lemon drink did help

The discomfort subsided 

And it felt like the food was moving along

I went to bed early 

As I was wiped out

I woke up in the middle of the night 

And had the worlds longest wee

Then another one early morning

And another one when I got up

So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 

And the lemon drink helped my digestion

I knew this would happen 

I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day

And I know it will settle down 

When my body gets used to having food inside it 

I just need to be patient 

And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 

I am almost one third of the way there 

I have had horrendous cravings to purge 

To get the food out of my stomach 

To feel empty

But I am determined not to purge 

I have very valid reasons too

I want to keep my teeth in good shape 

I don't want to get an infection in my lip

I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 

And for my general health and 

Well being 

Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia

It's just not worth it 

And as for my weight

I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too

I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 

I feel like I am full of air

Like if you stuck a pin in me

I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 

I can't take much more......

Doctor

I know I say it every Monday morning

But the weeks are just whizzing by

A bit too fast for my liking 

But as they say

Time waits for no man

Or something to that effect

Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 

We got my mum a candle and a mug

As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl

We had dinner in the house 

Then watched a movie

I hate Sunday's 

But as they go

It was a nice one 

Then up this morning for my appointment at nine

My sister was with me

As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor

I went to check in 

The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 

So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list

I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 

As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him

But 

That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away

I followed her to her room

And took a seat

The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 

That I look more relaxed

And asked me how I was doing 

I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago

I filled her in about the horses 

The job I will start in May 

And going back to meetings 

She asked me how my food was going

I told her it was a lot better 

And haven't purged in a few days

Today is actually day 5

I miscounted yesterday 

The doctor filled out my script

And I went on my way 

My sister also had an appointment with her this morning

Straight after me 

So I headed up to the pharmacy 

The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave

I welcomed her back 

And tried to make conversation

But she was so cold

Answering in me word answers 

Anyway 

I got my meds 

And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 

My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week

I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 

For each of them 

It gAve a misreading

My clothes also don't feel any tighter 

And I don't think I look any different

So I'm thinking my scale is wrong

I mean 

Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?

I'm not so sure 

But 

To be honest 

I don't mind gaining a little weight

I have a few pounds to play around with 

And anyway 

I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 

RAther than be underweight and miserable 

I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 

I used to

I used to like stick arms and legs 

A huge head on a tiny body

Big hollow eyes 

Sunken cheekbones 

Sharp collar bones and hip bones 

Looking like death warmed up 

I now prefer the curvy look

A bit of shape 

With soft curves and a healthy glow

I like when I gave a bit of weight on 

My boobs Are bigger

My thighs have shape

And my bum fills my jeans 

There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 

A healthy and happy woman

Being severely underweight

Is wearing your pain on your body

Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 

So we use our bodies to do it

No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 

I guaruntee you that

But I do wish that my weight would settle 

It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 

If it stayed in or around a healthy weight

Then at least I could get used to my body 

The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight

My goal weight in treatment was 54kg

Which just about puts me in the healthy range 

I'm a bit off that yet

To be honest 

I would be perfectly happy with that weight

And I think it's when I look my best 

My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 

And I'm not as comfortable at that weight

And I don't think it suits me

But in reality 

Weight does not matter 

The number does not matter 

As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 

Then I am doing ok 

I am ok 

Also 

I am loving my new piercing 

And the reaction it is getting 

I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 

And can't wIt to get another one done 

Where?

I'm not quite sure yet 

Maybe a few in my ear 

Or my belly button 

I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 

When I was on my twenties 

I was otherwise engaged 

What with a raging opiate addiction

And a life threatening ED

So effectively I missed my twenties 

And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do

It's fun 

It's exciting 

And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 

Happy Monday everyone

And see you on the next post....

Day 3

Today is my third day purge free

I know it doesn't sound like a lot

And millions of people around the world manage to go their whole lives without purging

But to me 

This is huge

I haven't gone a a whole day without purging in years

I shit you not

They say a million mile long journey starts with a single step

And often that first step is the most difficult

I knew that if I went ahead with this piercing 

Then purging was just out of the question

I looked after my nose ring very carefully 

And managed not to let it get infected 

I'm sure oral piercings are more likely to infect 

And I'm sure rinsing it in stomach acid and regurgitated food is not very good for it

So 

I've had to change my eating habits 

No binge food 

Which is a shame on one hand 

But a relief on the other 

My portions are smaller 

And to begin with

I am avoiding very filling foods like pasta and rice and potatoes

Hopefully i can introduce those foods at a later stage 

Today for example 

Is Mother's Day

So we are cooking at mums request

She opted for beef stir fry

So I will have a small portion of that 

I can't lie 

Over the last few days 

There have been times when I found myself heading to the bathroom

Out of pure habit

I've had to really be aware 

And physically stop myself from purging 

I miss the relief I get from purging 

The empty feeling 

I swear I feel full all day now

But I'm sure I'll get used to it

Anyway 

I'm loving my new piercing 

And loving people's reactions to it

I went to mass this morning with my Mum and my neighbour 

I got more than a couple of funny looks 

But that's ok

It's funny to me

Below are some close up photos 

So you can see it better 

In the first one the bar looks crooked 

But it's actually the way I'm holding my mouth 

Not the bar

What do you think???

Saturday

It's day one with my new piercing

I am carefully

Almost obsessively looking after it

I bought alcohol free mouth wash

To rinse my mouth twice a day

And also ear buds 

To clean it with salt and water

I am terrified of it getting infected 

So am being super duper careful

I've heard a couple of horror stories

About people who continued to purge after getting an oral piercing 

And went on to develop painful and unsightly infections

I am determined not to let that happen 

And haven't purged since Thursday

It's actually a really good motivator not to purge

So I have stopped bingeing 

And stopped eating anything that I usually purge

I am being careful and considered with my portions 

And stopping eating before I get uncomfortably full

Eating little and often 

And distracting myself after eating 

I'm glad I got the piercing done 

And am going to use it as a symbol

Of my stopping purging

I don't usually count my clean and sober time 

But having seen the benefits of counting my smoke free time 

Marking the first week

First month

First year 

I have started to count my clean time

Since Valentine's Day

It's good because the longer time you get 

The more you don't want to go back

So now I'm going count my purge free time 

Starting 3rd of March

The day before yesterday

Like a lot of things in my life 

Once I wrap my head around something 

I generally can do it 

I did it with cigarettes 

Drugs 

Alcohol

So why not purging?

It's just out of the question at the moment 

And that is a minor revelation

Reactions to my piercing have been varied 

My Mum is horrified

My nephew barely acknowledged it

I've had a couple of double takes from strangers this morning

I live in a small rural area

And there are not many tattoos or piercings to be seen generally

So yes 

I have the only pierced lip in the village 

Lorraine 

The girl who pierced me was great

When I got my nose pierced 

The girl who did was just a little bit unhinged 

She spoke at a rapid rate

And told my sister and I some pretty personal stuff 

How ever 

She did a good job 

And that's the main thing

Lorraine was very professional

Answered all my questions 

I watched her prepare her tools 

She was very careful

And it seemed like she was very used to doing this 

Well I would hope so

It is her job after all

My sister and I chatted to her for a few minutes 

She said that piercings follow trends 

Just like any other item of fashion

She told us that intimate piercings are popular at the moment 

That she had done two the previous day

I had to ask her what exactly gets pierced down there 

'The hood' she replied matter of factly

Ahem 

That is going just a little bit too far for me

I draw the line at a nipple 

Once you get one done though 

It kind of makes you want more 

I can see how that would be the same with tattoos too

I would love to get my tongue done 

And my belly button 

And a few in my ear

I've wanted to get some piercings done ever since I was a teenager

But 

Life intervened 

And I never got around to it

So now 

At the grand ol' age of 34

I am reliving my lost youth

Better late than never I guess

And the pain 

I was pretty much prepared for the pain 

Having had my nose done last year 

I figured my lip would be much more painful and bloody 

I sat on my hands so I wouldn't be able to pull her hands off me

Like I did last time 

I can't lie 

It was bloody sore 

And I did bleed 

And I did swell up

It looked liked I had been punched in the face 

I was actually shaking when it was over 

She asked me if I wanted to lie down for a few minutes

But I said I was ok

All in all 

I really enjoyed getting it done 

And grateful that my sister was with me 

It's exciting and fun to play around with my appearance 

Experimenting I guess

Again 

It's doing things that most people do in their teens and early twenties  

But 

I'm enjoying it 

So why bloody not!

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

What piercings do you have ?

How painful did you find it?

Are there any other ones you'd like to get?

Inquiring minds want to know....

New piercing

I've had a tough couple of days

Yesterday I felt extremely angry

Which is unusual for me

I had a go at everyone

And was provoking my family to have a fight with me

Then I got really emotional and teary

My Mum and my sister were really concerned and thought something had happened 

But there we nothing wrong

At least nothing I could identify

I just felt so out of control

It was really scary

Especially not being able to attribute it to anything

But this morning

It all became clear

I got my period 

Yes 

I was having PMP

Pre menstrual psychosis 

My Mum and sister said that I was being really irrational yesterday

Paranoid even 

It was horrible 

But 

Today I was super excited 

As today was the day that I got my new piercing 

My sister and I travelled to the studio

Which is about half an hour from my house 

I was a little bit nervous 

Anticipating the pain

I figured it would be more painful than my nose

So I was trying to prepare myself 

There was a new piercer in the shop

Her name was Lorraine 

And she was lovely 

Very professional

But with a lovely way about her 

We chatted about my options 

And decided on a vertical bar through my lip

Lorraine prepared her tools 

And I sat on my hands 

So I wouldn't yank her hands away if it got too painful

Thankfully 

It was all over very quickly 

But yes 

It was bloody sore 

I bled quite a bit too

And my lip swelled up nicely 

I looked in the mirror

And I have to admit 

It was a bit of a shock 

I wasn't expecting it to be so visible 

I thought the bar would be smaller 

But I do like 

My Mum and Dad are going to have a fit when they see it!

As I write this 

We are in the car on the way back

I keep checking my piercing 

Dabbing the blood away

I'll have to look after it carefully

And purging is out of the question altogether 

Anyway 

Enough with the words 

Here are the photos....