Bad News

I've been worried the last couple of days

That my piercing was becoming infected 

It looks quite raw

Although it is not sore

And I have to admit 

I have purged a few times in the last couple of days 

So I don't know if that has contributed 

I saw my doctor this morning

Nice Woman Doctor

She brought it to my attention that it could in fact be infected

She asked if I am allergic to penicillin 

As that would be the best medication for it

But I am in fact allergic 

So I had to get a less effective one

She also told me to soak it in a salt water solution 

And to take progress photos over the next week

To see if it's getting better or worse

You guys 

I am so disappointed 

So disappointed that I purged 

That I let this happen 

I thought I was doing everything right

And I was at first 

But 

As ever 

My ED got the better of me

And now I have an infected lip piercing 

The doctor said that if it hadn't improved in a few days 

The bar will need to come out

I am just going to be so diligent over the next week

And hope that I have caught it in time 

No purging 

No

Purging 

Got that Ruby?

No. Purging.

So I wanted to ask any of you lovely ladies who have piercings 

Have you ever had an infection from one?

How did you deal with it?

Did you have to take the piercing out?

Did it heal? 

I really don't want to have to take the bar out 

It was an expensive and painful procedure 

And it would be a shame to have to let it close up and heal 

God dammit

I know this is my own stupid fault 

Maybe the purging had nothing to do with it

But I suspect it has

I am just so annoyed at myself 

That is all 

Convention

ELast night

I went in to the city 

To attend the annual AA convention

It was my first ever convention

So I was both terrified and thrilled to be a part of it

I went with two of the ladies from the lunch time meetings

We all met up at 6pm

And arrived at the hotel it was being held at about 6 30pm

All day yesterday 

I was a ball of anxiety 

And came very close to cancelling on several occasions 

But I really wanted to go

And I felt comfortable with the two ladies

I knew they would look out for me

We were some of the first to arrive

We registered 

And headed in to our first meeting of the evening

I guess before I go any further 

I should explain what an AA convention

Basically 

It's like any other convention

Only its for alcoholics

The theme this year was 'Happy, joyous and free'

There are meetings on the hour

Every hour 

It's also a social event 

A chance to meet knew people

And have a good night

In this country 

Al lot of socialisation is done in the pub

So it can be difficult to meet people in other situations

I really enjoyed the convention

The people were friendly 

The craic was mighty

And the meetings were so powerful

All in all 

It was a great night

And in so glad that I went 

That I battled my anxiety and won

I arrived home at about 1am

My sister and my mum waited up for me 

And I told them all about it 

It has taken me almost two hours to write this short post 

As I keep falling asleep 

Or writing something that makes no sense

I just wanted to share with you about the convention

As it was a big deal for me

Anyway

I'm off for a little power nap

See you on the next post....

Friday 11 March

Yesterday was a very busy day

I saw Mary in the morning 

Went to a lunch time meeting

And in the evening 

My mother and I went to a free dance class that was on in the local theatre

I was wrecked tired yesterday 

But I really wanted to go to the dancing 

As its something that I really enjoy

There were two dance classes on back to back 

First was Salsa

And then there was Ceili dancing 

Which is traditional Irish dancing

The class started at  8pm

We arrived on time 

Filled in a form

And took a seat in the room

There was salsa music playing 

And there was quite a few people there

Just then 

The teacher came over to speak to us 

She spoke in Irish 

I can speak a little Irish 

But my Mum is fluent 

The teacher explained that they were speaking Irish as it was Irish speaking week

So the class was to be in Irish!

More and more people filed in

I'd say there was about 30 of us 

And soon the class began 

The teacher was great

She explained things well

And had a lovely way about her

First

We did a wArm up 

Which was great fun

Then on to the dancing proper

We learned  the basic steps 

Then in partners 

One leading 

One following 

We practised our best Salsa 

We changed partners every few minutes 

So we got to dance with a lot of different people 

I really enjoyed it

And my Mum was laughing her head off

So I think it's fair to say that she enjoyed it too

In no time at all

The class was over 

The teacher left on the music so we could continue to practise 

She was going around the room dancing with different people 

Then she came to me

'You're a natural' she said

'So light on your feet'

I told her that I used to dance a lot

I asked her if she was a school teacher

As I got that vibe off her

But she told me that she was a pharmacist 

I thought about how I had been a pharmacist of a kind in another life

I thought it was just a bit ironic 

She asked me what I do

I told her that I was starting work in May 

And that I also write

'Are you a journalist?'she asked 

I said I wasn't 

And explained that I blog and such 

She asked what I write about 

I was kind of caught on the hop

And before I knew it

I was telling her that I am recovering from an eating disorder

And my blog was about the journey to recovery 

I'm still not entirely sure why I decided to share that information 

I kind of felt like I said too much

Given that it was supposed to be an evening of fun

But 

I tend not to hide my conditions

And I think it's good to be open about things 

Especially mental health issues

She seemed really interested in this

And asked me for my blog address

Which I gave her

Will she read it or not?

I don't know 

But she was really kind 

That's why I thought she was a teacher

Because she was gentle

Patient 

And made everyone feel really comfortable 

The Salsa finished up

And it was Ceili time

To say it was organised chaos is probably accurate

There were so many of us

And the Ceili is a fast dance 

So there was much laughing and joking 

And it was all great fun

Half way through 

It was getting late 

So my mum and I decided to call it a night

I hope they will do more classes

As we thoroughly enjoyed it

It was great to get out for an evening 

And meet new people 

Not sit catatonic in front of the TV all night

Of course you know they I love dancing 

I also found out that there is Zumba on every Tuesday night

So I might just venture out to that too

Mum preferred the Irish dancing

But I definitely preferred the Salsa

If given another chance at life 

I would never have given up dancing when I did

I don't believe in having regrets 

But dancing is something that I am  sorry I didn't pursue

We arrived home about 10 30pm

These days that is a late night for me

I'm usually in my pyjamas by 7pm

I was starting to ruminate about what I told the teacher 

And the verbal diarrhoea that seems to pour out of me at random times

I guess I talk and write about my eating disorder so much 

That I forget to maybe hold back a little in some situations

But the teacher last night gave me a positive response 

And seemed genuinely interested in my blog

But it does beg the question

And I am throwing the floor over to you

Do you speak openly about your eating disorder or mental illness?

If not why not?

If yes, why yes?

What sort of a response do you get when you talk about it?

Have you ever had a negative reaction in response?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Thursday

So near

And yet so far

I had almost reached a full week purge free

Alas 

After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening 

I broke my streak 

It was actually two bowls of pasta

I made spaghetti bolognase for dinner

I gave myself a modest portion

And half way through 

I decided that I'd had enough 

And put it in the fridge

Later on

About two hours later

I decided I would have the rest of the pasta

I can't say I was hungry exactly

At least not physically hungry

Maybe emotionally hungry

The second I had it eaten 

I knew I was in trouble 

But instead of asking my family for help

Or trying to distract myself 

I headed to the bathroom

And did the dirty deed 

The relief felt good

But it was fleeting 

Immediately I felt guilty

Annoyed 

Frustrated 

I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging 

But it wasn't to be 

But 

Today is a new day. 

And a chance to get back on track 

I started off my day walking Lea

Honey elects to stay at home sometimes

We had a lovely walk

Then it was time for me to go and see Mary

Today I was seeing her in a town further afield 

In the new primary care centre

I get anxious going to new places

But 

I found it ok

And got parked nearby

I headed up to the second floor 

Where Mary told me her room was 

I settled in to a seat in the room

And Mary asked me how the past week has been 

I told her about all the good things 

The horses 

Helping out at the Easter camps

Meetings 

And of course starting to get a handle on the purging 

She seemed genuinely delighted for me

And to be making progress at long last is exciting 

We chatted for a while

Until she asked me if I had been weighing

I was honest 

And said I had a couple of times 

But the thing is

My mum and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading 

And weighing too high

According to my calculations

I have gained ten pounds in little more than a week

Anyway 

So Mary weighed me on her scales 

And it said I had gained two kilos 

So my own scale is wrong 

I was delighted to only have put on two kilos 

As I was convinced that I had gained more 

And anyway 

I could do with a couple of kilos 

So it's all good 

So 

Today is day 1 again

I can learn from my mistakes yesterday

And use that going forward

I am excited to be purge free

I know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour 

I've been purbing every single day since I was 19

Even in treatment I couldn't stop

Couldn't even get one day

It was just another part of my day

Eat 

Purge

Eat 

Purge

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom 

For the longest time

I didn't believe that I could stop

I was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life forever

But now 

Now I believe that I can stop

That it is possible to have a life post ED

I have given up harder things in the past 

So why not purging too?

And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging 

Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating 

I had more energy 

Wasn't so pale and wan looking 

My hair and nails and skin improved 

And I generally felt better about myself 

So 

Today is a fresh start

I know to avoid very filling foods at the moment

Such as pasta

Rice 

Potatoes 

For now 

Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them again

And eat a varied diet 

It's such a relief though

Not to be piling on the weight

Purging kept my weight low  

And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating 

And working the way it should 

Two kilos is not much 

And that's clothes 

Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or so

I am happy to maintain my weight at this 

A BMI of just over 18

I can live with that 

In fact I can live with anything up to 20

But 

As ever 

It's not the number that is important 

Or how I look 

What I weigh

The important thing is to be healthy and happy 

And I feel something approaching these two things 

And that my friends

Is a minor freakin' miracle

I really wanted to share this with you today

Because I want you to know that recovery is possible 

That there is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is recovery there for you and me

It's right in front of us 

We just need to reach out and grab

There is the danger of falling 

But that's ok

We can get up 

Dust ourselves off 

And continue on

Fall down seven times 

Get back up eight 

I am a firm believer in that 

So today 

Please 

Know that there is hope 

There is a life for you 

A life that is ED free 

Addiction free 

Self harm free

Believe me when I say that together we can beat our demons 

Together we can build a better life

We can recover 

We can reach our hopes and dreams 

It is possible 

I promise you that 

So today 

I urge you to step outside your comfort zone 

Push the boundaries 

Take a risk 

A risk in life 

You won't regret it

You won't be sorry 

We will get there 

I just know we will

Are you with me???

Wednesday

I was up early this morning 

To get things ready before I went horse riding

Those things being walking and feeding the dogs

As we were gone about three hours

I generally try not to leave them on their own for too long

3-4 hours is a long time for a dog

But once in a while it is ok

We were all heading in to town this morning 

My Mum was going to get book club

And myself and my sister heading a further half hour away to the stables

We left at about 10 30am

Stopped at the bank to get money 

Dropped Mum in town 

And continued on until we reached the stables 

Today I was on Star again

The teacher tells me that Star is the best horse to learn on

We did a lot of trotting today

And holy shit!

My ass kills!

I need to get some padding on there ASAP

But as ever 

It was so enjoyable 

The teacher asked me if I was free over Easter 

And if I would like to help with the camps she'll be doing with kids on their half term break

I was so excited to be asked

And said I would definitely love to do it 

So that is another thing to look forward to

Here are some photos from today....

Struggling

I'm almost a week purge free

And that is great

Nothing short of a small miracle

But I have to be honest

It's not easy

Not one little bit

I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks

I have one slice of toast in the morning

Maybe soup for lunch

And whatever is going for dinner

Usually 

I would eat a big portion

As it wouldn't be staying down 

So it didn't matter how much I ate

But now 

I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions

And I must admit 

I have been avoiding carbs

As hey make me feel way too full

I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 

And now any amount of food is uncomfortable

I feel like I am eating 

But the food isn't going any where

It's just sitting in my gut 

Take yesterday for example 

We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner

I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 

No chips 

As I knew they would fill me up completely 

Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 

The whole evening long I felt so full

So bloated 

And so uncomfortable 

This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 

Because I couldn't handle the full feeling

And now I am feeling full all day

It's doing my head in!

Last night 

I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 

My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon

And use a hot water bottle 

The lemon drink did help

The discomfort subsided 

And it felt like the food was moving along

I went to bed early 

As I was wiped out

I woke up in the middle of the night 

And had the worlds longest wee

Then another one early morning

And another one when I got up

So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 

And the lemon drink helped my digestion

I knew this would happen 

I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day

And I know it will settle down 

When my body gets used to having food inside it 

I just need to be patient 

And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 

I am almost one third of the way there 

I have had horrendous cravings to purge 

To get the food out of my stomach 

To feel empty

But I am determined not to purge 

I have very valid reasons too

I want to keep my teeth in good shape 

I don't want to get an infection in my lip

I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 

And for my general health and 

Well being 

Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia

It's just not worth it 

And as for my weight

I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too

I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 

I feel like I am full of air

Like if you stuck a pin in me

I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 

I can't take much more......

Doctor

I know I say it every Monday morning

But the weeks are just whizzing by

A bit too fast for my liking 

But as they say

Time waits for no man

Or something to that effect

Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 

We got my mum a candle and a mug

As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl

We had dinner in the house 

Then watched a movie

I hate Sunday's 

But as they go

It was a nice one 

Then up this morning for my appointment at nine

My sister was with me

As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor

I went to check in 

The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 

So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list

I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 

As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him

But 

That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away

I followed her to her room

And took a seat

The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 

That I look more relaxed

And asked me how I was doing 

I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago

I filled her in about the horses 

The job I will start in May 

And going back to meetings 

She asked me how my food was going

I told her it was a lot better 

And haven't purged in a few days

Today is actually day 5

I miscounted yesterday 

The doctor filled out my script

And I went on my way 

My sister also had an appointment with her this morning

Straight after me 

So I headed up to the pharmacy 

The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave

I welcomed her back 

And tried to make conversation

But she was so cold

Answering in me word answers 

Anyway 

I got my meds 

And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 

My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week

I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 

For each of them 

It gAve a misreading

My clothes also don't feel any tighter 

And I don't think I look any different

So I'm thinking my scale is wrong

I mean 

Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?

I'm not so sure 

But 

To be honest 

I don't mind gaining a little weight

I have a few pounds to play around with 

And anyway 

I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 

RAther than be underweight and miserable 

I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 

I used to

I used to like stick arms and legs 

A huge head on a tiny body

Big hollow eyes 

Sunken cheekbones 

Sharp collar bones and hip bones 

Looking like death warmed up 

I now prefer the curvy look

A bit of shape 

With soft curves and a healthy glow

I like when I gave a bit of weight on 

My boobs Are bigger

My thighs have shape

And my bum fills my jeans 

There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 

A healthy and happy woman

Being severely underweight

Is wearing your pain on your body

Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 

So we use our bodies to do it

No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 

I guaruntee you that

But I do wish that my weight would settle 

It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 

If it stayed in or around a healthy weight

Then at least I could get used to my body 

The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight

My goal weight in treatment was 54kg

Which just about puts me in the healthy range 

I'm a bit off that yet

To be honest 

I would be perfectly happy with that weight

And I think it's when I look my best 

My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 

And I'm not as comfortable at that weight

And I don't think it suits me

But in reality 

Weight does not matter 

The number does not matter 

As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 

Then I am doing ok 

I am ok 

Also 

I am loving my new piercing 

And the reaction it is getting 

I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 

And can't wIt to get another one done 

Where?

I'm not quite sure yet 

Maybe a few in my ear 

Or my belly button 

I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 

When I was on my twenties 

I was otherwise engaged 

What with a raging opiate addiction

And a life threatening ED

So effectively I missed my twenties 

And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do

It's fun 

It's exciting 

And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 

Happy Monday everyone

And see you on the next post....