Saturday, 2 April 2016

C is for Cravings

Cravings are something that I deal with on a daily basis
Being a former drug addict
A former alcoholic
A former smoker
And a former anorectic 
Cravings are part and parcel of my life
They can hit you when you least expect it
And I can be triggered by almost anything 
Tinfoil 
Spoons 
Certain smells 
7up
I could go on and on
The first major thing I gave up was heroin
That was no mean feat
And to this day 
Is the most difficult thing I've given up
And overcome 
But even now 
After being away from the drug for quite a while
I still get cravings 
I can't watch anything about drugs in films or on tv
Can't listen to certain music
And just being in Dublin is one massive trigger
I also don't go back to the town I grew up in
As it too is a trigger in itself
A craving is a funny thing
Whether it's a craving for heroin
Or vodka 
Or a smoke 
Or a craving to lose weight
They all start off the same way
With a longing to escape
And I am someone who loves to escape
I get bored easily
And if I'm not doing something that captures my attention
Like dancing or my dogs or horse riding 
I find that my mind wanders
The devil makes work for idle hands and all that

They say that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug
It happens when you begin to let things slip and slide
When you stop going to meetings
When you start isolating 
When you start making excuses 
Good recoveries are made on good foundations 
If you don't have a good foundation 
Your recovery will inevitably crumble and fall
But how ever your good and solid your recovery 
You will encounter cravings 
It's nigh on impossible to avoid them
They can hit you like a smack in the face  
You might be thinking about something completely innocent 
And before you know 
You are reminiscing about the good ol' days 
And wondering how soon you can get to your nearest connection
The trick about cravings 
Is to catch them before you do anything stupid 
As soon as you are aware of it
To do something about it 
So you don't run away with it in your mind
There are many things you can do before a craving turns in to a slip 
Talk to someone 
Get to a meeting 
Ring a friend/member/sponsor 
Think about what will happen if you do use 
It is possible to stop yourself 

I am off cigarettes about 20 months 
However 
I still get horrendous cravings for a smoke 
I know now that they only last minutes 
Sometimes just seconds 
And I know if I just hold on 
It too will pass 

Are any of you doing the A-Z challenge?

B

Again
An obvious one
But B is for Bulimia
As I wrote yesterday 
Over time 
My ED turned from anorexia in to bulimia
I guess I just got the point where I was so hungry 
That I went on an almighty binge 
As I got older 
The harder I found it to resist food 
In my younger days
I could go for days without eating so much as a morsel of food 
But my body just won't let me do that any more 
Up until very recently
My bingeing and purging was out of control
At my worst 
I was purging up to 20 times a day
Every day was the same back then
I would wake up
Walk the dogs 
Go to the supermarket 
Buy or steal binge food
Go home 
And spend the day going round in circles from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
I had a path worn 
It's the closest thing to hell that I've ever experienced 
Bulimia doesn't get as much attention as anorexia 
People with anorexia are treated with pity 
Where as people with bulimia are thought of as out of control and disgusting 
Both are deadly illnesses 
But bulimia just doesn't get the same attention
Like all EDs
Bulimia thrives on secrets and lies 
Often the sufferer manages to maintain a healthy body weight
So no one would ever know unless you told them 
For me 
I lose weight when I purge 
So it was often quite plain to see that I am struggling 
Even as recently as Christmas I was really struggling 
But have managed to get somewhat back on track in the last month
It's not easy 
I battle every day with my ED
Some days I win 
Some days I lose 
But most days are good days 
And every day that I manage to get through relatively sane is a success 
I write my log in the hope that I can help others and myself fight the war against these illnesses 
For me 
Writing and horse riding have helped fill a hole that my ED left
My life improves even despite of myself and my self destructive ways
I am hopeful for the future 
I have a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen...

Friday, 1 April 2016

A (A - Z Blogging Challenge)

I signed up to do the A - Z Blogging Challenge
Then promptly forgot about it 
I saw Mich had started it
So I thought
Better late than never right?

So 
The letter A
Well it's a bit obvious 
But A is for anorexia
I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19
Although looking back over my life
I can see that my food issues started when I was a child
As a youngster 
I had a thing about bread
I would be in a friends house 
And I would take slices of bread to eat
I also remember my mother throwing bread out for the birds
Which I would then eat 
I've always loved my food 
Growing up 
I preferred proper dinners to burgers and chips 
I can remember I used to eat a certain way
And kept the foods I liked best until last
Through out my twenties
I lost and gained so much weight 
I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy and back again
Over the years 
My anorexia morphed in to bulimia 
And can no longer starve the way I used to
If anorexia is cool and silent and aloof
Then bulimia is her loud, brash and in your face cousin
Both are equally soul destroying 
Thankfully 
Today I am doing well
I am of a healthy weight
And I am the most stable I have been in a long time 
I don't think I will ever recover fully
Like any addiction 
An eating disorder is managed not cured 
Recovery is not a straight road
Sometimes it feels like one step forwards and two steps back 
But the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other 
And to keep going 

On my mind....

Wednesday has been on my mind a lot this week
As in the day I brought my nephew horse riding 
He is great 
He is very independent 
And very much amused himself 
So I went and had a cuppa with Eilis who owns the place 
And another French girl
The three of us were sitting up in the spectating area
Watching the kids ride 
Eilis and Lara were talking ten to the dozen 
And having a great laugh
I however 
Felt like a spare wheel
Like I was crippled with self consciousness 
And couldn't contribute to the conversation at all
I'm just really not good at that kind of thing 
And I withdraw very quickly if I feel at all uncomfortable 
I was struck how these two girls were so comfortable just to be themselves 
Granted 
They are older than me
And probably haven't had to deal with an opiate addiction or an ED
Maybe their lives have been a bit more straight forward than mine 
I'm sure they have had struggles in their lives 
Everyone has 
But from their personalities 
And their confidence 
I can tell they have lived a successful life 
I was just dying to get to help with the horses 
But they had so many helpers 
That Oisin and I were hardly needed at all 
But 
We helped where we could leading the horses 
Helping with lunch for the kids 
Tried to calm them down when they were bouncing off the walls
And drying their tears when they inevitably knocked a head or an arm or a foot 
Or a willy in one little boys case! 

I just felt so awkward and out of place 
Like I didn't fit in 
And was paralysed with fear and anxiety 
I hate being like that
I hate feeling uncomfortable 
And in turn making others feel uncomfortable 
I remember I was at a meeting once
This girl was speaking 
And she was saying how through working the programme 
She could walk in to a room full of people anywhere in the world
And feel comfortable to be herself 
I find that I mirror people back to themselves
If you are quiet 
I'll be quiet too
And if you are more outgoing 
I will try to be too
I guess I just haven't found my own little way yet 
I'm still learning who I am 
What I'm about 
What my opinions and views are
What makes me tick
What I am passionate about 
What angers me
My likes and dislikes 
This is all new to me 
I am new to me
But that's ok 
I am going through growing pains 
Albeit a little later than most people 
But I will get there 
Eventually 
I just really want to build up my confidence and self esteem
And feel ok to be me
As I have often said 
I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to the point where most people start off
It's not easy 
Staying clean and sober 
Managing an ED
It's an effort every single day
But it does get easier 
It definitely does 
And I am in it for the long haul
Oh yes
My ass is committed to this 
I guess we don't always see progress on ourselves 
I see it in others 
I see them grow in to beautiful young men and women 
But we don't see it in ourselves 
I definitely don't see it in myself 
I just have to trust that it is happening 
Whether I notice it or not 

I found another course that I am interested 
It's running in the local women's centre 
Communications and IT 
It's a year long 
And starts next month
Two afternoons a week 
Which is perfect for me 
As I could fit in all my other things around that 
I rang yesterday 
And out my name down 
Now I have a decision I need to make 
Go ahead with the job
Or concentrate on learning and furthering my education 
It's hard to know which one to choose 
As both would be great for me
I guess it's time to do a good ol' fashioned pros and cons list
And see which one comes out on top
But you know what?
It's great to be in a position where I can choose 
It wasn't so long ago that I had no options at all
So that my friends, is progress 
I have a little time to sort this out
I will chat  with my family
And try to figure this out
Suggestions and thoughts are welcome
I need all the help I can get....

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Starry starry night....

I bring this post to you a tired but very happy Ruby
Yesterday was a lovely day
It started early 
I had a quick cuppa before going down to meet sister number two
We left her house at about ten
And picked up my nephew from his Dad's on the way
Then we headed out to the equestrian centre
The centre is about an hour from my door to their door
But I enjoy it so much 
I don't mind the journey at all
The pony camp was on this week
And myself and my nephew arrived at about 11am to help out
There were about ten kids 
I was watching them ride 
And they were amazing!
Theses kids were from age 6 - 12
And they were well able to ride 
I was seriously impressed
There were a lot of helpers there today 
Do there wasn't a whole lot of work for myself and Oisin
But we helped where we could 
Leading the horses 
Giving the kids lunch 
But there was a lot of hanging around
To be honest 
I felt a bit out of my depth 
There were so many people there 
A lot of strong personalities 
And I kind of felt like I was being really quiet and awkward 
I was having a cuppa with the owner
And another girl who is a stunt rider
I felt like a meek little mouse 
My confidence is definitely something I need to work on 
Don't get me wrong 
I loved being there today 
I just felt like I wasn't being myself 
But 
I have to remember 
I am only going a few weeks
And I am working on my confidence and self esteem 
I am
A work in progress 

At about 2pm
We got to ride 
Two of the men from my group also came 
I was so delighted to finally get up and ride
Oisin also got to ride 
He was led around 
And he got to trot
He did so well
I got to canter today 
Which was amazing!
One of the lads called Daniel led me
And I felt like I was going so fast 
I had this big grin on my face
And it felt exhilarating!
Eilis said she will do more with me next week
So that's something to look forward to 
It's all about baby steps 
Growing and improving each week
Oisin loved the place 
Being with the animals 
And being around others who live animals too
It was lovely to do something just be and my nephew 
Animals are something that we really bond over
It's our thing 
And that is very special
Oh
And apparently I am going to be in a horse show in May 
I don't know what I have to do
Or what it's all about 
But I'm sure it will all become clear in time 
I just can't think about it
Or there's no way I'll be able to do it
The lesson finished at about 3pm
I was on Star as usual 
He is my bestie now 
I love him 
He's so patient and gentle 
And I think he mirrors me well

Food presented a bit of a problem today
I had brought a sandwich 
But it turned out that they made chips and sausages there 
I took a plate but coul barely eat any of it
When one of the little boys started crying they he had no sausages 
I gave him mine
So I just had a couple of chips
It was all I could stomach
It was a long day
And to be honest 
I was glad to hit the road for home
I'm just not used to being around so many new people 
And I can be quite shy and quiet
I'm hoping my confidence will improve 
As I don't like being a wall flower 
Eilis tells me my confidence will come on
I hope she is right 
On the way home 
We went to Homeland
Home land is this amazing store
It has a pet centre 
A groomers 
A garden centre 
Clothes 
And loads of DIY stuff and the like 
I picked up food for the dogs
And food for my neighbours dog too
After that 
We made our way home
I felt exhausted 
But still high on adrenaline may the same time
I thought back over the day 
And thought of incidents where I could have been a bit more sociable or chatty 
But look
I did my best 
I will never be loud or brash
It's just not in me
But I hope people will give me a chance 
Because I will eventually feel comfortable around you
And it will be worth the wait 
I promise you that 

I didn't take my meds this morning
As I wanted to be alert and lucid for the day
Usually on my way to the centre 
I fall asleep in the seat
But today I was very lucid and awake
I did feel different having not taken it
I felt hyper alert and sensitive
And had a lot more energy I found
I took it the minute I got home
And instantly felt relaxed 
That is probably a psychological thing 
Just knowing that I've taken it makes me feel better 
Today was great though 
To spend a day doing something I love is an absolute joy 
And to come home and feel naturally tired is so great
I sleep so well these nights 
And I know it's because I am more active 
Even though I am just sitting on the horse 
It is still hard work 
Hard but so enjoyable 
I would love to do more 
Heck I would love to ride every day if I could 
Hopefully during the summer I can do it more frequently 
Horse riding has really captured my attention and imagination 
It's something I wish I had done more of over the years 
But 
Better late than ever right?

We are getting some work done on our bathroom this week
So there are two men here working 
One of the men is called Pat
We have known him since we moved here ten years ago 
He often does jobs around our house 
We were having a cup of tea yesterday 
And he reminded me of what I used to be like 
He said he would call in to the house 
And I would be passed out on the living room floor 
From drinking vodka and abusing my meds 
He used to try to help me 
But I wouldn't listen to him at all
He said that there is such a difference in me now 
And it's true 
I've worked hard to get to place where I am happy and healthy 
Granted sometimes it's two steps forward and one back 
But the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction 
Every morning 
I ask my higher power to help me get through the day without hurting myself or anyone else
And be thankful that night
Horse riding is helping me change my life 
And I just know it will help me with my confidence and self esteem 
Eilis is the lady who runs the place she never asks me about my conditions 
But I would live to tell her about my history 
Of drugs and ED
Just to let her know why I am the way I am
And I am trying to get my life back on track
But she is always so busy 
So it's hard to get a quiet word with her
But I'm sure I will
When the time is right 
I am so paranoid though
I was thinking that they all thought I was the weird quiet girl with piercings in her face
But again
That is my head telling me that 
And my head is not a reliable source of information
But I will keep going
Keep pushing myself to get out and about and live my life 
Push through the fear and the anxiety 
And do the things I want to do 
I think it's so important to move outside our comfort zones 
And do something that tests us and challenges us
Other wise we don't grow and thrive 
I have Mary to thank for hooking me up with Eilis and the horses
Mary works with a girl called Sam
And Sam goes to the centre 
And put the word out about people with mental health issues riding 
Sam was there my first day riding 
And Eilis told me today that she will he there next week
It will be good to see her 
And show her how far I've come

So 
I will leave you here 
I'm going to take it easy today 
And get my strength back 
Hope all is well in your world 
See you in the next post....

Sunday, 27 March 2016

Happy Easter!

To all my fellow bloggers and readers
I wish you a very happy Easter
I am still away 
My Mum and I are staying here until tomorrow
My sister and her partner are minding Honey and Lea
I hate to leave them
But at least they don't have to go to the kennels 
My sister absolutely loves them 
So I know they will be well looked after
Still
That doesn't stop me texting ten times a day to see how they are
After visiting the horses yesterday
We headed back in to town
And I went back to Topshop
Where I purchased the blue oversized shirt that I had tried on the day before 
Photos of that to follow...
We went back to the house then
Where we relaxed for a couple of hours 
Before heading out to dinner
The restaurant was called The Yellow Pepper
It was so busy 
And there was a real buzz about the place
We took our seats 
Ordered drinks 
And had a look at the menu 
There were a few things I liked the look of
The beef stroganoff 
Lentil and sweet potato curry
And pork belly 
In the end
I went for the stroganoff 
Mam had the veg casserole
And my uncle had the chicken
Mine was yummy 
I ordered a side of mash with it 
Mash is like my favourite food
And this one was creamy and smooth and extremely delicious 
Stroganoff is made with a paprika, brandy and cream sauce 
And as I made my way through it 
It began to make me feel sick
So I stopped there 
After 
My uncle I shared an apple pie
Whic was also very good
And my uncle kindly treated us to dinner 
So that was nice 
He then went out to the pub
And my mother and I went home
I watched TV for a while 
Before heading to bed
I was asleep in seconds 

So 
Today is Easter Sunday 
I'm not sure what we are doing today 
But I'm sure it will be something good
This part of the country is wildly beautiful
So many lovely beaches
And walks
It's nice to get away for a couple of days 
Although I am a home bird 
A change of scenery can be a tonic 
My uncle is great to stay with
Very laid back and relaxed 
I feel very comfortable here 

In other news 
I am trying my level best to ignore my weight 
To eat intuitively 
Eat when I'm hungry 
Stop when I'm full
No purging 
And no obsessive body checking 
As Mich and a few others pointed out
My dream of a house in the country surrounded by animals will never happen if I choose to maintain my ED
It's one or the other 
I can't have both 
And if I had to choose 
I would choose my dream life any day of the week 
So
It's down to me to put the wheels in motion
And start working towards those dreams 
I can just picture it
An old stone house 
With a half barn door 
Dogs running out to greet you
Maybe chickens and hens in the back 
A field with two donkeys 
Shelley and Jessie 
And of course 
Space for a couple of horses 
I would just be in heaven 
And the thing is
It's not a million miles away 
It's very possible
Very attainable 
As long as I stay well and healthy 
And I want to 
I really really want to 

What are you doing for Easter?

Saturday, 26 March 2016

Donegal

Today my uncle, my Mum and I
All headed out to my uncles friends house
He is a former dentist
And him and his wife keep horses
I wasn't able to ride on this occasion
But I was still super excited to see their place
The house was about ten minutes outside of the town
A beautiful stone affair
And I could see the stables to the right of the house
We rang the bell
The door was one of those half barn doors 
Too cute
The man answered and ushered us in to a beautiful old fashioned country kitchen
Where a little dog called Eddy greeted us very enthusiastically 
We were introduced to his wife who was having her lunch 
And then went out the back door
And up to the stables 
They have six horses
And what majestic creatures
These were huge animals 
My little Star looks positively small beside them 
We were shown around 
The stables 
The horse solarium
The horse spa 
The horse exerciser
Oh yes 
These people are hard core horsey folk
It was all fascinating 
I could have stayed there all day
After looking around 
We retired back to the kitchen for tea and cake 
Before we hit the road again
Truly though
I fell in love with the place
That is my dream
To live surrounded by animals
To work with them
Play with them
Just to be around them
Would be my idea of heaven

Anyway
Enough words
On to the photos......