Sunday, 17 April 2016

Rest Day

I spent the morning trying to think of words behinning with the letter O
Then I remembered that Sunday is a rest day in the A-Z Challenge
So
I could relax
This week has been exciting 
I got a few promising emails 
And also did an informal chat with an on line media company 
I'm not sure what will come if it
But it's fun just to do it
It never ceases to amaze what can happen when you put yourself out there 
I have been contacted by people the world over
To do interviews
Skype chats 
Writing pieces for publications
It's all fun 
And it's all part of gathering awareness for addiction and EDs 
This month 
I am four years blogging 
It's quite hard to believe
But in other ways 
I feel every bit of the last four years 
I think back to 2012
April 2012
I was 30 years old 
11 years in to my illness
And had been up and down since up until then 
Mostly down if I am honest 
I started looking for blogs on the Internet for like minded people 
I needed to find others who were like me
It's human nature 
The need to know that we are not alone 
The first sure I found was Yummy Secrets 
Some of you will remember this site 
It is no longer active now
I also found Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
And both these blogs opened the door to whole host of other blogs 
Some in the midst of their illness
Some recovering 
As well as the usual smattering of pro ana too

I read back on my first posts 
And I write about wanting to lost weight 
Fasting 
Purging 
I know back then I was about 50-54kg
And I wanted to be smaller 
Blogger was so active back then 
There were so many blogs to discover and follow 
I would say that 75% of those are now defunct 
And there are only a handful of us left 
I worry for our community 
That it will die out 
I sincerely hope not though
As I know a lot of us depend on this community and each other 
Over time 
My blog has become more about my struggle to get well
I think ive grown up a little 
Finally says you
But seriously 
It's been an amazing ride
To document everything that's happened in the last four years
To meet and get to know so many lovely people
For you to be part of my story 
And me to have been part of yours
It been like writing a diary 
And sharing it with the world 
I hope my blog has in some small way helped in the plight against EDs and addiction
I am one girl writing a blog
But together I believe we can make a change 
For the better

So Happy Birthday to you today blog!
And long may you last!

Saturday, 16 April 2016

N is for Night time!

N was another tricky customer
I was going to go with numb
But then decided on night time 
As I think I can write more about that 
Up until a few years ago
I was most definitely a night person
During my drug using days 
I would typically get up in the evening 
Stay up all night 
And go to bed in the morning 
It wasn't unusual not to see daylight for weeks on end 
When I first started using drugs 
I associated them with night time 
It was some thing you did at night 
At the weekend 
Even when I first started taking heroin
I still associated it with night 
I remember the first time I saw someone using heroin first thing in the morning 
It had never occurred to me to do that 
But it seemed like a good idea
So I started using in the morning too
This is how an addict is made 
My drug use began to bleed in to the day time 
The weekend began to get longer and longer 
Until my drug use became an every day thing 
But
As with everything 
You take the bad with the good
And with heroin 
Comes a physical addiction
It's a cat and mouse game to stay one step ahead of sickness
And I was always playing catch up
And can remember nights when I had no drugs 
And no money to get drugs 
Those nights were sheer torture 
As I've said before 
I was a greedy addict 
And whatever I had 
I took there and then
Leaving nothing for the following day or days 
Withdrawal is a horrific thing 
You will start to withdraw about 24 hours after your last usage 
It starts off quite mild 
Your eyes will begin to stream
Your nose will run 
You will yawn continuously 
Then your muscles will begin to get sore 
A dull ache in your bones that saps the energy right out of you 
By now you will take to the bed
As you won't be able to do anything other than lie down and wait it out 
You will sweat profusely 
Alternating between hot and cold
The sheets of your bed will be damp with the sweat 
What ever way you lie 
You can't get comfortable 
And even though you are mentally and physically wrecked 
Sleep eludes you 
Then comes the stomach cramps 
The vomiting 
The diarrhoea 
As the last remnants of the drug leaves your body 
You are now in full blown withdrawal
You are climbing the walls 
Hallucinating with fever 
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out 
If only you had the drug 
One smoke 
One turn on
Could put an end to all of this 
The night is endless 
And everything seems worse at night 
You are lonely 
So alone 
It seems like you are the only one in the whole world who is awake 
The nightmare goes on 
Until you find someone you can borrow money off 
Or you manage to drag yourself out of bed to find money somehow 
And when you finally get the drug
The feeling of the sickness draining out of your body is the best feeling ever
You immediately stop sweating 
The ache in your bones vanishes 
The mental torture subsides 
All is well 
Until the next time 

Over the years 
I have turned from a night owl 
In to a morning bird 
Nowadays 
I don't stay up past midnight 
And I am up between 7am and 8am every morning 
I like to go out and do my bits and pieces in the morning 
There is something lovely about that time of the day 
When there are only a few people around 
When it's still and quiet
And the world hasn't quite woken up yet 
When the surfers 
Dog walkers 
And runners are all about 
It's a magical time of the day
Night time can be magical too
But I just don't have energy or the inclination to be a night owl any more 

Which are you
A night owl
Or a morning bird?

Friday, 15 April 2016

M is for Mind!

I had a couple of things in mind for the letter M
Like my Mother 
Or Mary
But I think I will keep those for W for Women 
So mind it is 
I am grateful 
So very grateful
That my mind has stayed in tact
Despite my best efforts to self destruct 
I've pushed my body and my mind to its limits over the years 
And managed to reach recovery relatively unscathed 
My mind continues to be sharp
And continues to be curious and inquisitive 
Pushing me to learn more everyday
I think my mind as it is, is a result of nature and nurture 
I was born with my mind 
And over the years It has grown and matured
My mind allows me to do so much 
It allows me to question what I don't understand 
To think deeply 
To be sensitive and emphatic 
It allows me to be open minded 
To think outside of the box 
To learn 
To study 
To work 
It allows me to make sense of the world 
To form my own views and opinions 
To be adventurous 
To devour knowledge 
To read 
To write 
To be me
To be quirky 
Eccentric 
To talk 
To listen 
To laugh 
A cry 
It allows me to feel emotion 
It is where all my thoughts and ideas are formed 
I feel blessed to have all that I have 
Including my mind 
Without it 
I surely wouldn't have made it this far

Thursday, 14 April 2016

L is for Lea!

And so we are on to L
And that brings me on to my lovely Lea
Lea is a beautiful golden retriever 
Like Honey 
Lea is eleven years old 
We got her when she was 5 months old 
The runt of the litter 
From the start
She had to work harder than the other pups 
Just to survive 
I got her from a have a go breeder
Some guy who was just looking to make a quick buck
She lived with her family up until I got her 
And was never really socialised properly 
We collected her on a bright sunny May Day
We bundled her in to the back of Mums car 
And headed for home 
From the beginning 
Lea was a nervous wreck  
When we got home that first day
She jumped out of the car 
And ran down the garden 
Where she hid under a bush for the full day
I had to be so gentle and easy with her 
As the move seemed to be very traumatic for her
She was in a strange place 
With strange people 
And it took her a good while to settle in 
I had to be so patient with her
As slowly but surely she gained confidence 
I was the first one she bonded with 
She ran away from everyone else 
But I knew if I persevered with her
She would come around 

Lea has always loved her walks 
And gets very excited every morning at the prospect of going out 
The first few times we brought her in my Mums car 
She got very ill 
And promptly threw up
But when she got to the beach 
She was like a different dog
She ran on the sand 
Rolled in it
Swam in the water 
She loves the water 
And generally ran around like a lunatic
For the first year 
Lea was all legs 
She had quite poor co ordination 
And regularly fell over herself 
And her tail rotated she was wagging it so much 
Over time 
Lea got used to the car 
And now she absolutely loves it
Some days she likes to just sit in the car 
For hours at a time 
She really is a lovely dog though 
So placid 
And gentle 
You might remember the last time I was admitted to hospital 
Lea took it very hard
And took to her bed 
The fur on her back also fell out 
She seemed to be in a kind of depression
When I came home and began to recover 
Lea began to recover too 
It's no exaggeration to say that my dogs have saved my life and my sanity over and over again 
I have so much love for them 
And they bring such joy and fun to our house 
So Lea?
This one is for you....









Wednesday, 13 April 2016

K is for Knitting!

Over the years 
I've been quite partial to a bit of knitting 
Not that I am any good mind you
For the last ten years 
My Mother and I have been trying to make a blanket 
Knitting squares of different wool
To see together to make said blanket
We have gone through phases of knitting over the years
And recently 
We have taken it up again
It's easy really 
We just knit squares of plain rows
No fancy schmancy stitches 
My repertoire does not reach beyond plain stitch 
Id say we do about an hour each a night of knitting 
We take it out when we are watching TV
Or chatting in the living room
I find it really relaxing 
And it passes the time 
Every so often I make some sort of mistake 
And have to hand it to my Mother to fix
My mothers knitting is very neat and tight
Mine is more loose and messy
But it's ok
It will give the blanket character I guess
At least that's what I'm telling myself

Here is said knitting....




Tuesday, 12 April 2016

J is for Job!

As you may know
I did a job interview a few months ago
I was unsuccessful  in the position in question
But they did offer me another job
Working in the holiday centre 
From May - September 
I gladly accepted the offer 
Grateful for any type of work 
As jobs are pretty scarce around here at the moment 
I did have a few obstacles in my way though
There is a course I want to do
And also there is the question of my disability benefit 
I can legally work up to 20 hours a week
And still keep all of my benefit
Any hours after that 
My benefit is cut on a sliding scale 
It's really difficult to know what to do
And everyone has an opinion
Some think I should just work the 20 hours 
Some think I should forget about the job and do the course
And some think I should forget about the disability benefit 
And take as many hours as I can
It's a tricky one 
I know that once I take myself off disability 
It will be nigh on impossible to get it back if I need it 
I guess it's a security blanket 
But at some point
I'm going to have to grow up and let it go 
I want to work 
I do 
I guess it's a confidence thing 
I haven't worked 
And worked for someone in a long time 
My last job was teaching kids dance 
I stopped because I lost my confidence 
And just couldn't do it anymore 
I've never really regained it after that 
What I will so
I don't know yet 
But it's nice to have options 
It wasn't too long ago 
That I had no options 
No course
No job 
First world problems I guess 
But I do think work will be good for me 
For my self esteem 
Confidence 
Feeling that I am contributing 
And being a productive member of society 
I guess I will have to make a decision soon
And I will do what is right for me 
I'm just not sure which way to go....

Monday, 11 April 2016

I is for Identity

I was another tricky customer
But after giving it some thought
I decided to go with Identity 
As it's something that comes up for me again and again
In my illness
And in recovery 
When I was very unwell
My whole persona revolved around both my addiction and my ED
From the age of 18
I was Ruby the drug addict
And that's a label that's hard to shake 
As along with that come the labels of liar, thief, manipulator 
They say a reputation takes years to form
But only seconds to undo
I had a reputation of being trouble
And boy did I live up to it 
Somewhere along the line
My ED began to develop
And it wasn't long until I had acquired a new label
Anorectic 
Quickly followed by bulimic
In a strange way
Once you are labelled with these titles
You feel like you have to live up to them
I knew nothing about eating disorders before I was diagnosed
I had never known anyone with one 
I had no experience at all 
My diagnosis was a complete shock 
I wasn't trying to lose weight 
I wasn't unhappy with my size
In fact more than that 
I never gave it much thought 
It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me 
That I began to take notice of the numbers 
They seemed important to them
So they became important to me
And have been the Bain of my life ever since 

After my diagnosis 
I completely identified myself by my illness 
I was no longer Ruby 
I was Ruby the sick one
And when you are sick 
People are generally very nice to you 
Very caring 
You get a special kind of attention
I know it might not be popular to say that 
But for me 
It was the truth 
I used to get a kick out people telling me that I looked unwell
That I looked pale and wan
I almost wanted people to feel sorry for me 
Why?
I'm not entirely sure 
But I do know
That once you become the sick one 
It's really very difficult to shake that label
Because being sick becomes your whole world 
If it's taken away 
What will be left?
And that's exactly what terrified me
Who would I be without my illness?
It was like my ED slowly but surely taking over my life 
My personality
My body
And without it 
I had nothing 

There comes a point in life 
When you either sink or swim
I came to that point about two years ago  
After I got out of hospital for the umpteenth time
I had to make the decision 
To recover 
Or sink further down the rabbit hole
I began to gain weight 
And get well 
It hasn't been a straight road since then 
I've been up and down and all over the place 
And had a minor relapse last year 
But 
I bounced back 
And continue to bounce back
There was a time 
Not too long ago 
That I did nothing of a day 
Apart from binge and purge 
All I did was watch TV all day 
And eat 
And throw up
I had nothing going on in my life 
No job 
No course 
No hobbies 
No interests 
It was just me and my ED
But over the last year 
I have carved out a life for myself 
Now I have a life 
I am no longer Ruby the anorectic 
I am Ruby the woman
Ruby the daughter 
Sister 
Auntie 
Dog owner
Horse rider 
Ruby the dancer 
The swimmer 
Ruby the recovering addict and anorectic 
I am
Now I am so much more than my illness 
My illness has faded in to the background 
And I  starting to live 
And love
My life