Decisions, decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job 

I'm having to juggle things around 

To make sure I can fit everything in

I really want to continue horse riding 

Which is at least one day a week

And I definitely need to keep going to meetings 

2-3 a week is a must 

I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment 

And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable future

I will be working about 24 hours a week

Which equates to three shifts 

So I've decided to postpone my course until September 

The course will always be there 

The job might not 

I am super excited to start working 

To be a working woman 

To have extra money 

To be out and about in the world 

I anticipate that the job will be very hard work

Both physically and mentally 

But im up for the challenge 

I feel ready to throw myself in to it 

I'm in a good place now 

My weight is stable 

My mood is good 

I feel capable, able and strong 

And I think this job could be the making of me 

There are just a few more ducks to get in a row 

I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare 

My psychiatrist wrote me a letter 

Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value 

And so allow me to keep my disability benefit 

So I will get that done today 

Horse riding was so much fun yesterday 

It's so exciting to start cantering 

I really feel like I'm making progress each week

And that is an absolute joy!

Riding is helping me in so many ways 

It's something to look forward to every week 

It's really a whole day out for me each week

It takes an hour to drive there 

But I don't mind at all 

Because I love it so much 

I would travel three hours if I had to 

The healing power from horses and riding is incredible 

As you know 

I feel a great affinity with animals 

And get so much out of being around them 

It also helps with my confidence 

As I am out mingling and chatting with others 

I'm still a little shy and quiet 

But I know I will get there 

I know if I keep doing the next right thing 

I will be just fine 

As I wrote yesterday 

It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me 

It's only taken me nearly 35 years

But at least I got there 

I think back as recently as Christmas 

I was so very lost 

Losing weight 

Losing my mind 

I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around 

Not knowing what I was doing 

Or where I was going 

I had no direction

And I felt like I was drowning 

Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out 

But I hung in there 

And things slowly began to change 

It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy 

Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy 

So it only costs us €15 a lesson

Which is really good value 

If I could 

I would love to ride every day 

And maybe in the future I will

It has turned out to be a real passion

Something that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left 

And that's what it's all about 

Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life 

But to really enjoy life 

They say if you do what you love

You will never work a day in your life 

I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life 

But better late than never right?

I haven't experienced much happiness in my life 

And I don't think happiness is a constant thing 

At least for me it's not 

It's more like moments of happiness 

Here and there 

But at the moment 

Right now in my life 

I am as close to happy as I have ever been 

As well as happiness 

It's a feeling of contentment 

A feeling of steadiness 

Stability 

A feeling that I am on the right road 

That I am doing things that I love 

And that feeds my soul 

It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing 

To stop caring so much what others think

I spent far too much of my life 

Trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the crowd 

And trying to get people to like me

But somewhere along the line 

I was trying so hard 

That I got lost along the way

I lost myself 

I used to mirror people 

If you were loud 

I was loud 

If you were quiet 

I was quiet

I didn't have the confidence to be myself 

So I copied you 

And figured that was the best way to be liked 

But now I know different 

Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me 

If I am living my life in a good way 

With friends and family around me

If I am doing my best 

To be a good and honest person

Then it really doesn't matter what people think of me 

If I can lay my head down at night 

Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability 

Then I can sleep well

With a clear conscience 

I thank my higher power for getting me through the day 

Without hurting myself or anyone else 

If I can do that 

Then it's been a good day 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself 

In a world where there is so much pressure on us to conform

Especially on women 

To be all things to all people 

To be a mother 

A sister 

A daughter 

A worker 

A partner 

We are pulled in so many different directions 

It's hard to make time for us 

Time to just relax 

And recharge our batteries 

I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character 

Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties 

But as you know 

I was otherwise engaged during those years 

So I never really got to grow in to a young woman 

I found myself in my thirties 

Feeling like a 21 year old 

The body and face 

Did not match what was going on inside 

I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else 

Like I am ten years behind 

But that's ok

I will get there eventually 

I just need to hang in there 

Today is a good day 

I feel positive and hopeful about the future 

I feel like I have a fighting chance at life 

A happy life even 

And people 

If I can get through this 

Then I promise you 

You can too 

It's possible 

Recovery is possible 

It's a precious gift 

We just have to reach out and grab it...

Good news!

Today was a busy day

I got up early

To walk the dogs 

Mum was going back to hospital to have a check up

And I left the house at about 9am

To meet Fintan in town 

And we were going to head to horse riding together 

We arrived early 

So we decided to go in to the supermarket to get carrots for the horses 

When I walked in to the stables 

The horses heard the rustle of the packet 

And we're all looking very interested in said carrots 

We all got ready 

And began our lesson

It felt so good to be back today 

I really missed riding last week

And I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 

We had a lovely lesson 

And I also got to canter today

Which was exhilarating!

One of the lads led me on Star in to the canter 

And it felt amazing 

The power of the horse 

The breeze on your face 

It's absolutely thrilling!

I watched Fintan canter 

And he is doing amazingly well

It's definitely something to aspire to

And to work towards 

Eilish gave me a pair of riding boots to wear to the show  

And today I asked her if I could buy them

She told me to keep the boots 

Which was extremely nice of her

So now I have my very own pair of bona fide riding boots

I'm chuffed 

We got back in to town at about lunch time 

I had a few bits and pieces to do 

Got a cuppa 

And then bought some work out clothes 

A pair of leggings 

And a light jacket 

So happy with that 

I also had a couple of jobs to do for Mam

Before heading home

I was just in the door

And sitting down with a cuppa 

When my phone rang 

I didn't recognise the number

Then I heard the voice 

And I knew it was the lady from the job I applied for 

She had some good news for me 

The job is mine if I want to take it!

And I can just work the twenty hours a week that I am allowed 

You guys 

I am so excited!

I actually got a job offer!

A real live job!

I must admit 

I really thought it wasn't going to happen

But it has 

And I am over the moon!

I start officially in June 

But I will be trained this month

So each week I will work two and a half shifts 

This news has made my day 

Now I will be a working woman!

A functioning member of society 

Paying taxes 

And generally paying my own way 

Now I will be able to save some money 

I won't be broke anymore 

I will actually have some money in my pocket 

And won't be counting the penny's at the end of the week

It really feels like things are coming together for me now 

Like a jigsaw slotting in to place 

Life is sweet 

And I am blessed to have such brilliant and amazing people around me

Who without, I know that I would not be in such a fortunate place 

I think this job will be great for me 

For my confidence 

My self esteem 

And general self worth 

I will be quite the busy bee now though

I will need to work hard to fit everything in

As well as horse riding 

My dogs 

Blogging  

And meetings  

I will need to plan my days carefully

And make sure I am taking care of myself 

Eating well 

Sleeping good 

Exercising 

And generally mind myself 

So yes 

I accepted the offer 

And am super excited to start working 

And be part of working world 

Right now 

The future looks bright 

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

When I couldn't think about the future without working myself up in to a ball of anxiety 

It was so uncertain 

So unstable 

But now 

Well now I have a place I go to each week

Where I feel accepted and part of the group

I get to spend time with animals 

I get to forget about all my issue

For that's hour 

It's just myself and Star

I never fail to come away from riding with a big grin on my face 

I feel so grateful today 

There is much to feel good about 

Thank God 

Tuesday

I went back to my meetings today

I attended the lunch time AA in my area

I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 

I was so touched by all the hugs and kind words that I received 

I actually opened the meeting today

So that was good for my confidence

The meeting itself was great

It's always good to listen to other recovering addicts

I always come away

Feeling a little bit more peaceful 

A little bit stronger 

I shared too

About my hospital admission

And especially around the painkillers

I have to admit 

I am missing the Tramadol

I miss that sleepy feeling 

The warm waves that rush  through your body 

But I know 

I know what's in store for me if I continue down that road

Prescription or no prescription

If I am using said drugs to get a buzz

In a mood and mind altering way

Then in my book

That is using 

That is being in active addiction

I know I'll get over this 

I just need to hold steady 

Stay strong 

Attend my meetings 

Keep in touch with friends 

And generally keep my side of the street clean 

Even since Christmas 

I can feel a change in myself 

My mindset 

My confidence 

And self esteem 

I feel more sure of myself 

More in control of my own life

And that my friends 

Is huge!

In other news 

I going back to horse riding tomorrow 

I can hardly wait!

I've haven't been riding in about ten days now 

And I have missed it so very much!

Tomorrow I am getting a life with Fintan

Who is in my riding group

We both go the same way

So it's just as handy for us to travel together 

I've been wondering about weighing myself 

I'm wondering should I buy a new scales 

Or continue weighing in my doctors like I have been doing 

I do want to know my weight 

But I think once a week is more than enough to weigh

So I was wondering what you thought

Do you weigh?

Or maybe you don't weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

Do you think it matters?

Inquiring minds want to know...

To Tramadol or not to Tramadol.....

Monday morning 

And back to the usual routine 

Saw my doctor first thing 

He asked about pain

I said that had a little bit 

He checked my abdomen 

To see where the pain was

And prescribed a medication for ulcers

I can't lie 

I was so tempted to ask for Tramadol 

I really was 

But 

I didn't 

I figured why make life difficult for myself 

A relapse is a slippery slope

Why invite that kind of shit in to my life?

I need to be awake 

As my mother needs me

So I resisted 

To distract myself 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

I had no clue what my weight was 

As I have no scale at home 

And hospital and being sick always messed with my weight

So I'm down about a kilo since the last time I weighed 

And just a bit lower than my target weight in hospital 

So I am happy enough with that

Well

As happy as a person with an ED can be with their weight

Anyway 

I have bigger fish to fry 

My course was cancelled today

So I find myself at a loose end

Although it's nice to have a few hours to myself 

Oh 

I must give you an update on the lunatic driver 

That tried to ruin the Darkness into Light walk

After he ploughed in to the crowd 

He actually hit one person

Who suffered minor injuries 

Not long after 

The mini was found in a ditch

The driver had been drinking all day

And was out of his mind 

I hope they lock him up

What a really horrible things to do

To try and scare the shit out of hundreds of people 

Who are trying to do something good 

But 

He didn't succeed in ruining it for us 

In fact 

This year was the most enjoyable Darkness into Light walk to date 

So things are ticking along nicely at the moment 

Apart from my little holiday on Tramadol last week

I am doing just fine 

I know if I continued to take the Tramadol

I would be hooked before I knew it

And I'm supposed to be caring for my mother for the next few weeks 

I can't do that if I am out of my head

It can happen so quickly and so sneakily though 

They say while you are in recovery 

Your addiction is doing press ups 

Getting stronger 

While I was in hospital 

I took advantage of their liberal prescribing ways 

I asked for sleeping tablets 

Which I got 

And didn't really need 

I asked for more painkillers 

Which I also got 

I know I can be manipulative 

I can play people

But I didn't want to bother my doctor this morning 

And also 

Things are going so well at the moment 

It would be such a shame if I relapsed again 

I'm just not willing the let that happen

In other news 

I got word that my prospective employer rang my two references 

So I'm thinking that's a good sign

They both gave me a glowing report 

Which I am so grateful for 

Given my history 

There aren't a lot of people who I can get a good character reference 

But the two I have are pretty solid 

One is my elderly neighbour 

Who I help out a lot 

And the other is the owner of the little pizzeria I used to work in

So hopefully I will be offered this job 

I will most definitely take it if I am

I will be back horse riding Again this week 

And I can't wait to get back on the saddle 

To see Star 

And to see everyone else 

I missed it do much last week 

So it's great to get back to it 

That's where I get my kicks these days

So no 

I don't need external substances to make me feel good 

I can look inside myself 

Use my own reserves 

And be strong 

I don't need drugs 

I don't need to escape 

I can do this 

I can live in reality 

And heck

I might even enjoy it!

Thanks for your concern after my last post 

And you are right 

I probably should never have been prescribed it at all 

But 

That's ok 

I will get through it

Right 

I'm off to make lunch for Mam

See you on the next post....

Darkness in to Light

You may remember last year 

And the year before

My Mum, my sister and I did the Darkness in to Light walk for Pieta House

Pieta House help families and individuals dealing with suicide

The idea is we start the walk in the darkness

And as we walk dawn breaks

We finish in daylight 

We woke up at 2 45am

To start the walk at 4 15am

This year we went to different location

And it was lovely 

Apart from one thing 

We had just started the walk

And my sister and I were just chatting

When we heard a car reving behind us

We turned around and saw a Mini Cooper travelling at high speed towards us

My sister pulled me out of the way

And the dogs 

The mini flew by us in to the crowd

I swear I could see my life flash before my eyes 

At the very last second 

The driver slammed on the brakes 

And stopped literally inches from the crowd 

The screams were blood curling 

As everyone tried to get out of the way

The mini continued up the road

Terrifying everyone

I don't know what happened next

But I hope the police caught him

What an absolute asshole

What kind of a person does that?

Deliberately scaring the beJesus out of people 

Anyway 

Apart from that 

The walk went great

Honey and Lea came too

Poor Lea was struggling towards the end 

But we all made it home safe and sound 

Here's the photos....

Blogger

Is it just me

Or does blogger seem eerily quiet these days?

I check my reader a few times a day 

And there are hardly ever any new posts to read

I guess Instagram is more popular these days 

And Twitter

But still

A lot of people seem to read this blog

And I get emails every day from readers And other writers

That is the great thing about writing this blog 

I never know what is going to happen because of it

I put myself and my story out there

As I want to speak for the cross addicted community 

As well as the ED community 

I feel my story is worth telling 

As it's not fairytale 

I didn't live happily ever after

Life is tough 

There are many many bumps in the road 

This last week proved that 

With both myself and my Mum being hospitalised

My pancreatitis couldn't have come at a worse time 

And hospital admissions are a real pain in the ass

But I'm home now 

And on the mend 

I spent yesterday getting the house in to some sort of order 

And also looking after Mam

I made her meals 

Helped her have a shower

And anything else she needs doing 

My sister is relieved I am home

As it takes some of the pressure off her

The only thing is that I'm going to miss horse riding for the next couple of weeks 

Unless I can organise a lift from someone 

I will really miss it 

As I love it so much 

Equine therapy has helped me in so many ways 

Building a relationship with Star has been amazing 

And he did me so proud on Sunday

He's a small horse 

But has a big personality 

I think we are perfectly suited

Being with animals really feeds my soul 

I find they aid with healing too

As they are so in tune with you 

For instance 

My two knew there was something going on last Sunday

As they were extremely and unusually quiet 

That's not like them at all

But yes 

Horse riding has been a life line

It has helped with my confidence in a big way 

And my self esteem

Growing in confidence has helped me with riding 

And that translates in to my every day life as well

If you had told me six months ago that I would be competing in a dressage show 

I would have laughed at you 

But I'm so glad I did it 

It really gave me a boost

Also 

There is the social side of horse riding 

I have made new friends 

Amazing people 

When we go riding 

We leave our problems at the door 

And have a laugh and a joke

There is great craic and banter 

If I could 

I would ride every single day

And I spend the whole week looking forward to Wednesday 

It's been better than any medicine 

Any therapy 

And any meeting 

I guess you find what works for you 

By a process of trial and error

Now I have found something to live for 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

And that feels so good

In other news 

My neighbour just rang me

To let me know that the lady from  the job rang her for an reference 

I'm taking that as a good sign

That they are keeping me in mind 

If I do get the job

I don't know how I'm going to manage everything 

And I have doctors orders to rest and take it easy 

But I will play it by ear 

I really want to continue my course 

And if I get they job 

They are going to clash 

I will have to choose one or the other I guess 

Watch this space I suppose 

I met a friend yesterday 

A girl I used to be friendly with 

But we kind of drifted apart 

She also has addiction and ED issues 

So it's good to talk to someone who is in the same boat 

That is it from me today 

I'm a busy bee looking after Mum

So 

See you on the next post....

Home

I was really hoping to get home yesterday

The boredom and routine of the hospital was sapping the life out of me

And I was losing the will to live

They took blood yesterday morning 

And it took a couple of hours for the results to come back 

I paced the corridor as I was off my drip

Asking the nurses every half hour if they were back 

I have to say though 

The nurses are nothing short of fantastic 

A few of them remembered me from my last admission

And they just couldn't do enough for me

I had cups of tea coming out my ears!

And if I never see toast again it will be too soon

My Dad came in to collect me

So he also had to wait 

At about 4 30pm

The results came back 

My amylase was down by 100

So that was good news 

Now I just had to wait to see the doctor to be discharged

I was all set for another epic wait

I swear I'd done nothing but wait since I set foot in that hospital

But to my surprise

He arrived after only a few minutes

With his possey in tow

And gave me the go ahead to go home

They didn't need to tell me twice

I quickly packed my bag 

And rang my Dad who was down stairs 

I went to say goodbye to all the ladies in my ward 

The lady beside me especially 

We used to sit in our respective chairs

And have a fool ol' natter

She was in a tremendous amount of pain

And was drugged up to the eyeballs 

It didn't bother me though

I was getting Tramadol and a sleeper 

So I was happy out

The day in hospital is long 

I was well enough to be conscious of what was happening 

Not sick enough to not be bored

My pain was being managed with the Tramadol

I asked many of the nurses and doctors what I could do to prevent further attacks

But they could be me no answers

And one even told me to pray!

So there seems there's nothing I can do to help myself 

And may just have to put up with this

And learn to live and manage it

I guess in hospital they only treat the symptoms 

They patch you up 

And send you on your way as soon as you begin to improve 

I left hospital at 5pm

And I was delighted to get home

To see Mam and the dogs 

The dogs knew something was up the last few days. 

And they were being unusually quiet

They gave me a lovely welcome though

I had some dinner 

Changed in to my pyjamas

And settled down for the night

Mam is feeling stronger

And is getting around a bit more easily

I'm glad to be home to help out 

I'll whip the place in to shape in jig time

So this morning 

I had to see my doctor 

I had no appointment 

So I just rocked up at 9am

And planted myself outside his room

Avoiding the receptionists 

As I knew if I went through them

I would never get to see him

The surgery was so busy

So I was hoping my doctor would see me

I knocked on his door 

And he called me in

I apologised for skipping the queue 

But he saw me

Which was very decent of him

He asked me about my hospital stay

And again 

He could not give me any answers

Apart from avoiding alcohol

Which I do any way 

I forgot to bring my Tramadol prescription

So I asked my doctor for some 

He was really reluctant to give me some

But agreed to give me two days worth

Albeit half the dose I was getting in hospital

I was so glad he saw me though

At least now I can relax that I have my meds

That's the thing about methadone 

I am so dependant on it

And waiting around for it in hospital was a nightmare 

But the nurses were fantastic

And did their best to get it for me as soon as they could 

Nurses really are the unsung heroes of the health care system

Every time I have a hospital admission

I am so impressed with their kindness

Their efficiency

And their patience

It really is a vocation

Even the student nurse was amazing 

Now I am back home 

And I'm trying to get the house in to some kind of order

My poor sister is absolutely wrecked

She has been on nurse duty now for over a week

Then she had to bring me in to casualty 

I feel so bad for her

But I am home now 

And I can get stuck in

I guess I just need to be careful now

And stay as healthy as I can 

That includes diet, exercise and looking after my mental health

That's all I can do

And hopefully I won't get another attack any time soon 

I'm feeling a lot better though

My pain is minimal

And I'm going to go to my course today all being well 

It's just so lovely to be home 

And have the freedom to do what I like 

Ok I'm off to do some cleaning 

See you on the next post....