What to do with my blog?

I saw Mary this morning 

It was great to be able to give her a good report about all the good things that are happening in my life

She was truly delighted for me 

And said it made her job worthwhile 

Seeing people like me get well

I was also so happy to tell her that I am barely purging any more 

Since starting work

It has really been a rarity 

Mary asked me to draw a pi chart 

Of all the different areas in my life 

It was quite a struggle to fit everything in 

She asked me about blogging 

And it got me thinking 

I guess my blog has taken a back seat recently 

And it seems to be evolving 

Up until now 

My blog has been been about living with and managing my ED and addiction

Most of my posts thus far have been ED based 

And that's fine 

Because that's what was going on for me

And it was great to be part of a community that thrived on supporting each other 

But now I find myself asking 

Where my blog is going now?

I feel a little bit like I am in limbo

I don't consider myself eating disordered in the clinical sense anymore 

But I still have a long way to go as far as recovery is concerned 

I have to be honest 

Over the past couple of weeks 

I have thought about stopping blogging altogether 

As I don't know what I have to offer this community anymore 

And my real life is so full 

I don't have time like I used to

And I don't know if my blog is the hub that it once was 

I seem to get less readers and comments 

That shouldn't matter 

And it doesn't 

But I guess it makes me feel like my blog isn't wanted or needed anymore 

Then there is the fact that blogger seems to be passé now 

More and more people seem to use Instagram now a days 

And less and less people seem to be using blogger 

It kind of feels like a ghost town lately 

With all that said 

I don't really know what to do 

Or where to go from here 

I really want to keep writing and blogging 

But maybe 

Like a lot of things in my life 

It's time to move on 

I don't know 

It's something I am going to have to work through I guess 

And hopefully what I'm supposed to do will become clear

I was wondering what you think

Have you experienced this with blogging and recovery?

Have you felt like me and wondered what next?

Do you think my blog is needed and wanted?

I would really love your feedback on this one so do get in touch 

I appreciate it 

Day off!

Today is a wonderful day 

As I am now off work until Sunday

The feeling is amazing 

Having worked four long shifts the last four days 

I am more than ready for a rest

Work is going well

Of course I am still very green

And forgetting things left, right and centre 

But look

I am doing my best 

And they tell me in work that I am flying it

Yesterday 

I was on with Georgina 

And she deliberately left me on my own to do breakfast and lunch 

I had a bit of a crisis of confidence in the morning 

As I dished out too many bowls of porridge 

And it went cold 

And had to reheated 

But 

As Georgina says 

You live and learn 

My colleagues couldn't be more helpful 

They are endlessly patient

And always willing to lend a hand 

There are to chefs who also work in the kitchen 

They are brothers 

32 and 38 

I was helping one of them prepare chicken yesterday afternoon 

And he asked me what age I am 

I told him to guess 

He said 23 

Ha!

That made my day 

He couldn't believe that was 34

I love to give people a good shock sometimes 

Anyway 

I am settling in well 

And finding my bearings slowly but surely 

Georgina is an amazing lady 

I was chatting with her over tea and toast yesterday 

Her background is in hotels 

And you can really tell

She doesn't waste a bit of energy 

Every move she makes 

She is doing something productive

She moves at lightning speed 

And manages beautifully the balance between hard work

And having the craic 

She is someone I really look up to 

She is a working woman 

With a busy family life 

It can't be easy 

But she makes it look effortless 

I am really enjoying work though 

I get up

At 7 am

To be in work for 8am

I prepare the breakfast 

Which is just a continental one

Then I have a cuppa 

Before the guests arrive 

The dining by room is up stairs

And the kitchen is down stairs 

So I have a path worn on that stairs 

There is a dumb waiter to put the food in

Which essentially is a small lift for the food

I serve the food 

Chat to the guests

And try to keep on top of things 

It was mostly ladies in this week

With only a couple of men

And they are so lovely 

They are people who don't have much money 

And going away on holiday is a massive thing for them 

I told the ladies that I wouldn't see them again 

As they are all leaving Thursday 

And I'm not back until Sunday 

Well let me tell you 

I got hugs and kisses and such lovely compliments 

That truly made all the  hard work so very worth it

The chef keeps a small dinner for me every day 

And I have to say 

The food is really tasty 

It's none of your fancy stuff 

Just honest home cooking done well

My favourite kind

Sometimes I get a chance to eat it 

Sometimes I don't 

And in that case I will bring it home 

And split it with mam 

So 

After breakfast 

I wash up 

Clean the dining my room 

As reset it for lunch 

Which takes a little while 

Lunch is at 1pm 

And it's three courses

So there's quite a bit to do 

I swear I am on my feet all the time 

And it's exhausting 

Draining 

By the end of the day 

I am pretty wrecked 

All I can do is flake out on the couch L

But it's a nice feeling 

A feeling that I've really earned my rest 

Even writing this post 

I keep nodding off

I mentioned my Dad in a post a few days ago 

And that he received some bad news about his health 

To be honest 

I am in denial about the whole thing

And work is a great distraction

You might remember that I went to Dublin with him a few weeks ago

To see a consultant neurologist 

And Dad had some tests done

Basically he is losing the power in his hands and arms 

And it seems to be getting worse all the time 

So last week 

He got the results 

And the consultant thinks it might be MND 

Dad has to go to the top neurologist in the country for a definite diagnosis

I had never head of MND

It's short for motor neuron disease

So it's really serious 

I was speaking to Georgina about it 

And her sister has it 

She is only 42

She asked me if I know much about MND

Which I don't 

She said not to read up on it 

It will only upset me 

I have deliberately not looked it up 

I really just don't want to know at the moment 

Because I know it will break my heart 

Of course I will find out for myself 

But at this moment 

Ignorance is bliss

Dad has asked me not to tell anyone 

But I need to talk to people 

I can't bottle this 

I need an outlet 

Anyway 

All we can really do is make the most of the time now, while he is still relatively ok

One thing Gergina said 

Is that we have a long and hard road against us 

But it's my Dad I feel sorry for 

Right 

I'm off to have a sleep 

I can barely keep my eyes open 

See you on the next post....

Working woman!

Yes

That is me at the moment 

I am a working woman

And delighted to be

I didn't get to post the last couple of days 

As I am on the 8am - 4pm shift for the bank holiday weekend 

So tomorrow is the end of my working week

And I'm not back in until Sunday

So I have six glorious days off

Every evening 

I have come home 

Had a cuppa 

Then flaked out on the couch 

To rest my weary bones

The job is going well I think 

At least I hope it is 

I am doing my best to learn quickly 

But if course it's going to take a couple of weeks to really get the hang of it

The job itself is a lot different to what I thought it would be

I thought I would mainly be on reception

But in actual fact 

I am in the kitchen and the dining room most of the time 

It's busy busy 

And the house isn't even full

There are only 21 staying at the moment 

And the house holds 60

I have to say 

I really like it 

It's go go all the time 

Just the way I like it 

The staff are lovely 

Endlessly patient 

And so willing to help out this newbie 

The guests are a hoot 

There is a young at heart club from Dublin

Nine elderly ladies who are salt of the earth

So sound 

And do polite 

In between all the work 

We do get a chance to chat with people 

And have the craic

I don't know how the perceive me 

The weird girl with the piercings and shaved head 

But I've been told I am pretty 

I am a good worker 

And my favourite 

A good girl 

So that is nice to hear

This is just a quick post 

To let you know that I am alive and kicking 

And working hard 

Payday is Thursday 

And I can hardly wait!

It's going to be awesome to actually be paid!

My first mission when I get paid is to bring my family out for dinner 

Georgina said there may be problems with tax the first couple of weeks 

But hopefully not 

And it will all run smoothly 

I hope you are all well 

I need to catch up on blogs 

But at the moment life is intervening 

I can remember writing once 

They it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 

Well now I can most definitely say the opposite 

I am living my life now

I'm taking control of my own destiny 

This is another step on the ladder that is recovery 

ED wise 

I'm doing ok 

Because I'm working 

And on my feet all day 

I know I need to eat regularly 

It I will keep over in no time 

So I usually grab a cuppa at home before I leave 

I then get to have my breakfast in work after I've done the guests breakfasts 

A cuppa and some toast 

The at dinner time 

The chef keeps me a small dinner 

And I have that in the afternoon

So it's working out well

I feel no urge to purge 

As my body needs fuel if I am to keep going 

So all in all 

Things are going well

Every morning in my car on the way to work 

I turn down my radio 

And I ask God or the universe or who ever is up there 

To please help me get through the day 

And do my best 

And not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I don't know if that works 

But it can't hurt right?

Right 

I'm off for a cuppa 

See you on the next post...

What to do?

What would you do 

If someone patted you on the stomach

And told you that 'you've really filled out'

And when told that you are recovering from an eating disorder

Jiggles your arm

And continues to point out weight gain

Yes

This happened to me today 

Thankfully I had some good friends around me 

Who gently pointed out to this person

That I used to be at deaths door 

I was in shock at the time 

I couldn't quite believe this person put her hands on me

And jiggled my arm!!

I mean who does that?

I must point out 

That this happened at a meeting 

Where everyone is not well

But I think this person was way out of line 

Said person then asked me for a lift home!

Which I obliged 

Because I am a nice person

But really I wanted to throttle her

I couldn't even bring myself to make polite conversation on the way home

Now I am home 

I realise that I was in shock while she was pointing out my flabby bits 

I literally couldn't say anything 

One of my friends pulled me aside afterwards 

To make sure I was ok 

But Jesus H Christ 

Since when is it ok body shame a person like that?

I don't know 

I despair 

I went on an instant diet 

That lasted ten minutes 

I know better than to let a comment like that get the better of me

Interestingly 

This woman also commented to another lady that she had lost weight

So who knows 

Maybe this woman has her own issues with her weight 

You never know....

I was wondering about you

Has this or something similar ever happened to you?

How did you react?

Do you think it's body shaming?

Answers on a postcard please...

9 To 5....

Today is a glorious day

Today is utterly marvellous 

Because today 

Today I have a day off

A much needed day off

I don't even have horse riding today 

It's now 11am

And the whole day stretches before me 

With a whole lot of nothing to do

I woke up this morning with a start 

Thinking about what I had to do today

Usually if I'm working or heading off somewhere 

I get up an hour early to walk the dogs

I always make sure they get a walk

As they are hyper if they don't 

So I woke up this morning 

Then had the most delicious feeling 

When I realised that I had sweet f#*k all to do today 

I slept in until 8 30am people!

It was utter bliss

And it's great to feel like I earned my day off

I swear I am sleeping the best I ever have 

I can't make it past 10pm these nights 

I don't even read before going to bed 

I got up 

All the while enjoying the feeling that I had no where to be 

And nothing to do 

I had breakfast with my sister 

Then got dressed and headed out with Honey and Lea 

I try and bring them out early these days 

As it gets too hot during the day for them 

So

I piled the dogs in to the back of my car 

And we headed for the beach 

Where we had a lovely walk

Honey is looking like quite a character these days 

Her fur is long and shaggy 

She has one eye 

And ahe needs a good wash

She's like a little old lady 

And at the grand ol' age of eleven 

I guess she is 

After our walk 

I did a bit of shopping 

Before heading home

Yesterday 

I was in work in the morning 

To meet the other staff members 

They all seem lovely 

And again 

Georgina went through some policies and procedures 

It's great that she is so clear and direct 

Sometimes I need things spelled out for me 

Just so I am absolutely certain about what I need to do 

As I was standing there 

Side by side with my fellow workers 

I felt a great swell of pride 

I felt like now I am a working woman 

Part of the work force 

Part of a team 

Contributing to society 

And earning my keep 

It's been a long time since I had that feeling 

Like I am strong and independent 

Taking care of my own side of the street 

Earning money 

Maybe even treating myself to a little something 

When I get my first pay check

I have promised my Mum and sister that I will bring them out for dinner 

I can't wait to do that 

To give back some of the love and kindness that they show me all the time 

I am back in work tomorrow 

And I have 8 hour shifts every day until Tuesday 

So I really am being thrown in at the deep end 

But I guess that's the best way to learn 

I am super excited to start 

I was incredibly nervous and anxious 

But I just feel ready 

Ready to work 

And work hard 

There's nothing more I can learn 

With being on a live shift 

I've done all the theory I can 

It's time to put it in to practise

As for confidence?

Well 

I think it's a fake it till I make job

So this is it 

I'm starting work 

I can't quite believe it 

If you had told me a year ago that I would be starting work this summer 

A real proper grown up job

I would not have believed you 

In fact I would have laughed at you 

I was in such a dark place 

Since coming out of treatment two years ago 

I have been up and down and all over the place as far as my recovery was concerned 

But I think since Christmas 

I've been fairly steady and stable 

My weight is good 

My mood is also pretty good 

Starting horse therapy has been the catalyst I think 

It has literally been a life changer 

I've made new friends 

Real friends who just want the best for me 

I get to spend time with beautiful animals 

I get to learn a new skill 

I couldn't ask for more 

In AA and NA

They say that if you follow the programme 

You will obtain a life beyond your wildest dreams 

When I first heard this 

I thought it meant in terms of money and material gains 

Nice house 

New car 

Pretty clothes 

Plenty of money 

Now I know different 

Now I know that a life beyond your wildest dreams means something else 

It means being clean and sober 

Wanting to be clean and sober 

It means having peace of mind 

Which you just can't put a price on 

It means feeling good about myself 

Liking 

Even loving myself 

It means getting through the day without hurting myself or anyone else 

It has precious little to do with money 

So 

Please say a little prayer for me 

They I get on well in my new job 

Please send some positive vibes my way 

It's so exciting to have something positive to write about 

Please take comfort in the fact that I have come from a very dark place 

And know that it is possible to live a life without ED or addiction

Right 

I'm off to make a cup of tea 

And soak up some sun

Have a good Wednesday ya'll 

And I'll see you on the next post....

Weightless.....

So

You know the way I've been not weighing myself

And don't even keep a scales in the house anymore 

Well

This morning 

My usual doctor was back 

And as I sat in the seat opposite him

The scales beckoned me 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

He said sure

So I kicked of my trainers 

And walked over to said scales 

I tapped it 

Waited for it to stop flashing 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers bounced around 

Until they settled on an amount 

I looked 

And registered the number in my brain 

I'm up two kilos 

At first 

I felt massive disappointment 

Failure even 

My doctor asked me what the number was

And I reluctantly told him

I didn't really hear anything else he said after that 

I was lost in my own weight related thoughts 

I left the room 

My head spinning 

I looked at my reflection in the glass on the way out 

I looked the same 

I looked ok

Did these two kilos even matter?

Right then it did

It mattered more than anything else in the world 

I headed up to the pharmacy 

Handed in my script 

And sat down to blog 

I have to say

After the initial shock of seeing the number

I already had a diet plan in mind 

I was already buying a new scale 

And a new notebook to record my weight

But as I wrote 

I was reminded of all the good things on my life at the moment 

I mean

Does two kilos even matter?

I began to feel a little better then

I know my weight can fluctuate wildly 

And I'm actually sorry that I weighed myself 

Nothing else happened this morning 

I didn't gain two kilos since this morning 

And I was ok with my weight this morning

The only thing that has changed since then 

Is that I weighed myself 

I measured my self worth in kilos and grams 

And that is just not right 

So no

I won't be crash dieting 

I won't be weighing myself regularly 

I won't watch what I eat 

This is the weight that my body needs to be at right now 

It's a healthy weight for my height

I am no where near over weight 

Everything is ok

I am ok 

Just the way I am 

At first 

I felt a massive urge to buy a new scale 

But I didn't 

And I won't 

I know that is a slippery slope 

I'm not even going to work out my BMI

It doesn't matter 

Not one little bit 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize 

On all the good things that are happening for me at the moment 

Am I going to let two kilos ruin that?

Absolutely no way 

Not in this life 

Not to this girl 

I actually now regret weighing myself 

No good ever comes from it

And I end up feeling like a failure 

A waste of space 

But the n msun thing is 

That I keep my head and take each day as it comes 

Shift by shift

Hour by hour 

I'm in tomorrow and Thursday for more training 

And I officially start on Friday evening 

A four hour shift

The next four days I have full days 

I just hope I can do this 

and I don't make a total mess of it 

I will do my best 

That's all I can do

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Do you work?

Are you full

Or part time?

How long have you been working?

What do you do?

And do you enjoy it?

Have you any tips for me?

Inquiring minds want to know... Xx

The Day of Rest

This weekend 

I am taking the opportunity to relax and get prepared for the start of my working week next Friday

I am in for more training Tuesday and Thursday 

Then my first live shift is the evening shift on Friday

That weekend is a bank holiday weekend here 

So I will be working Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday

These consecutive days will really give me a chance to throw myself in at the deep end 

And get stuck in 

Georgina keeps reiterating 

That this job is mainly about common sense 

I just hope I have enough 

I really hope I can do this 

And I haven't bitten off more than I can chew 

I feel like at the moment

There is a huge clock, counting down to my first shift 

D Day 

I am both terrified and excited to start work 

All I can do is my best 

And I will most definitely give it my all

If I can just hold my nerve 

And turn up for work everyday

I really think it will do me the power of good 

With my confidence 

Self esteem

Everything 

I can't stress enough 

How important this job is 

I really think it will make or break me

But maybe I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself 

Maybe I should take it day by day

Shift by shift 

And go from there 

I went horse riding again yesterday 

I was on Princess

And was instructed by Roisin

For a change 

We went out to the outdoor arena 

As the weather was fine

It felt great to ride out in the fresh air 

I felt so free

Princess is starting to co-operate with me 

But I really need to work on my control of the horse 

We did a lot of trotting 

Jumped some small jumps 

And did a good bit of cantering towards the end of the session 

It was brilliant 

Every time I go 

I just want to do more and more 

I would do it every single day if I could 

It gives me a natural high

A feeling that drugs used to give me 

Except this is better 

There are no negative effects

It's good for me 

I am so grateful to have found something that I am passionate about 

That feeds my soul

It's also something to work at 

To progress and improve 

Something to work towards 

I can't explain to you how much I love it 

I'm actually surprised that I haven't found riding until now 

I guess dancing was my thing when I was younger 

And then I went off the rails after that 

So horse riding never really came up for me 

Anyway

I've found it now 

And better late than never right?

That's really all to report for today folks 

Life is good 

I am good 

You can't ask for much more than that....