One year on...

This morning 

I did something I've been wanting to do for the past 12 months

I agonised and stressed over it lot

And felt incredibly guilty for what I had done the year previously

But first 

Rewind 

Back 18 months ago

You may remember I wrote a post called 'Caught' if I remember correctly 

It told the story of how I was caught shoplifting in my locality 

It was a real low point for me

As you also may remember 

Up until last year 

I was having a lot of issues with shoplifting 

That started with food

And then spread to other areas like clothes and jewellery 

They say you shouldn't shit on your own back door 

And stupidly 

That's exactly what I did

I went in to the shop that day 

Browsed 

The shop owner was there 

Chatting to someone 

I asked if I could try on a couple of items 

And brazenly 

I put a top on under my clothes 

And walked out of the shop 

I was half way down the road 

When I heard someone calling me 

I nearly died when I turned and saw the girl from the shop

She ran up to me 

And asked if I had taken a top

I couldn't lie 

I said I had 

She asked where it was 

I said it was under my clothes 

She told me to take it off then and there in the street 

I pleaded with her to let me change in the shop 

It was a real rock bottom for me 

I don't know if anyone was watching our exchange 

It's very possible that they did 

Anyway 

She marched me up to the shop

I remember a police car passed us on the way 

The girl was fuming 

And rightly so 

I remember her saying that because I had stolen from her shop

She took it personally 

So 

I followed her to the shop 

Where I changed and handed her back the top

She basically told me to get out 

And not show my face in there again

I was just so grateful that she didn't call the guards 

My whole life would have changed for the worse if she had 

I left the shop with my tail between my legs

Utterly crushed and mortified

So 

Since then 

I have avoided that shop 

But a few months after it happened 

I felt a huge urge to return to the shop 

To explain

And to apologise 

But I just couldn't find the courage to do so

Fast forward to this morning 

I was walking down the Main Street of my town 

Having been in the doctors 

I was approaching the shop 

When I saw the girl outside doing something to the window 

All of a sudden 

I realised that this was my opportunity 

I called out to her 

She turned 

And walked towards me smiling 

I asked her if she remembered me 

At first she didn't 

But after a few seconds 

It began to dawn on her who I was 

I told her how I had wanted to approach her for so long 

And apologised profusely for taking from her shop

I explained that I had suffered with addiction and other mental health issues

And that I was in really bad place when I stole that top

I also apologised for putting her on the position where she had to be bad cop

She was very warm and understanding 

I explained that I was now in a much better place 

And asked if I could start coming in to her shop again 

She said yes no problem 

She thanked me for the apology 

And told me to stay on the straight and narrow 

I walked away from the girl 

Feeling so relieved that I had the chance to apologise to her 

And I think I left it just the right amount of time since the event 

Enough time for her to cool down 

And for me to get myself together

It's just so good to know there are no bad feelings about the situation

And I can know return to shopping in that store 

This is big for me 

To face the person who I had wronged took a massive amount of courage and swallowing my pride 

It just goes to show how far I have come 

I would never dream of stealing now 

And as I said to the girl 

Being caught was a turning point for me 

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to knock some sense in to me

That situation could have turned out a whole lot differently 

And thankfully it didn't 

Because if she had called the guards that day 

And prosecuted 

I would now have a criminal record 

And I wouldn't have got the job in the holiday centre this summer 

It would have had a huge knock on effect for me 

So I am just so grateful to that girl 

For giving me a chance 

And for not involving the authorities 

It just goes to show 

That people are mostly decent and good 

But it definitely taught me a lesson 

And if nothing else 

Then it was a good thing 

September

And so 

Autumn has arrived 

It's my favourite season of all

And on the 7th

I turn another year older

This has been a good year for me so far

It didn't start out well

But somehow i managed to turn things around 

How?

I'm not entirely sure 

Most of the time I feel like I am being carried along by friends and family 

My feet barely touching the ground 

The biggest thing that happened this year

Is that I secured a job

And worked all summer

I met new people 

Made friends for life

I came out of my shell 

And really discovered who I am

And what I am all about 

I loved working 

Loved the holiday centre

And everyone in it

We all became like a little family 

Then of course it all came out the night of our staff party

Whose in to who 

Who likes who 

It all got very silly

But that's alcohol for you

In our workplace 

There are about ten females 

And two males

So there just aren't enough to go around 

But hey 

There are plenty more fish in the sea right?

Work is winding down now

I only have a couple more weeks until I am again jobless

I can't lie 

I am going to miss it so much 

And I will continue to look for year round work

Work has given me a great sense of satisfaction 

As well as making me more confident and independent 

It's not an easy job

It's both physically and mentally demanding 

We are constantly running up and down stairs 

Cleaning 

Serving 

Picking up

I swear my fitness has increased marginally this summer

And then there is the emotional side of the job

We are dealing with vulnerable people

People who have a mental or physical disability 

People who are dealing with addiction or some other mental health issue

And I find that people are very open

They want to chat 

They want to tell you their story 

Of course I am happy to listen

Maybe these people don't have anyone to talk to at home 

Maybe they don't get a chance to unwind and relax

And get away from the daily grind

I've heard some very sad stories this summer 

Stories that would break the coldest of hearts 

I must say 

It's been a pleasure to help these people enjoy a well earned holiday

And it's thanks to the charity that I work for that they do get a holiday

Work is coming to an end now

I officially finish up in two weeks 

It's going to be hard to adjust to life without work again 

But I'll be back next year for sure 

Just try and stop me...

In other news 

Starting next week

I stead of doing one horse riding lesson on a Wednesday morning 

I will be spending half the day out there 

Which means I get to do two lessons 

One on my own 

And I also get to help out in the stables 

And the care of the horses 

I don't have words to describe how excited I am to be spending more time at the stables 

The horses 

The people 

The trainers 

Everything comes together to make it such a special place 

I am just so happy when I am out there 

I park my troubles at the gate

I get up on Star

And I just ride 

There is nothing going on in my head 

Other than how much I am enjoying it

The horses have been a life line for me

I can't emphasise how important it is to find healthy replacements for dangerous habits and behaviours 

I have tried going cold turkey 

'White knuckling' it as they say 

Trying to get through on sheer will power alone 

Will power will get you so far 

But we need to find reasons to stay well

Or stay clean and sober 

As I'm sure every addict whose ever attempted recovery knows 

Giving up drugs is one part 

Probably the easier part 

The hard part is trying to figure out how to get through life without relying on substances 

In my case 

I was lucky 

In that I got the chance to do a methadone programme 

And that has worked for me

Again I was lucky in that I had the opportunity to move area

And get away from my old using life 

I had a fresh start

And even though moving is not the answer 

It helped me enormously 

Learning to live in reality was my biggest hurdle 

I had spent so long numbing myself with drugs, pills, food and lack of food

I couldn't handle reality 

At least my own reality

I found life boring 

Especially given the drama and the rollercoaster of emotions that ensued in addiction and disordered eating 

Getting used to life on life's terms is not easy 

The need to escape is huge 

Even now I use sleep as an escape 

Well hey

That's pretty anodyne compared to injecting class A's in to your neck

I do love sleep though 

I love to dream 

Even the not so nice dreams are fun

As you wake up and realise that it was in fact just a dream

Anyway 

I keep going off on tangents here 

But I do have a dilemma 

And need your help

It's not life or death or anything like it 

Ok

So I bought a coat during the week

That cost €90

Then today 

In the post 

I received a letter in the list from the guards 

Informing me that I had been caught speeding 

70km in a 50km zone 

With a fine of €80

Here in lies my dilemma

Should I return the coat and pay my fine?

Or should I keep said coat and save up money over the next couple of weeks to pay the fine?

I kind of feel like I don't deserve the coat   

That I should pay in some way

So I'd be interested to know what you think

To keep or not to keep the coat

That is the question.....

Monday

Oh my Gosh!

I can't tell you how lovely it feels to have A few days off

I've worked the last four days 

And for most of those days I've had the mother of all hangovers 

But I guess that's the price one pays for a good night out 

I still can't remember a lot about the night 

But I am assured that we had a great night 

With great craic

And good company

I know that I didn't do anything to disgrace myself 

Or embarrasse myself 

I  know I told the chef a little about my history 

But that's ok

I'm not ashamed 

I have nothing to hide 

I have to admit though 

I feel a little bit hurt by the revelations that the chef likes Sinead

I can't lie 

My heart is a little bit bruised 

And I feel slightly silly that I actually though that he might like me

How wrong was I?

Very wrong apparently 

It just seems like I am always passed over for the girl who is younger than me

Thinner than me 

And prettier than me

I never seem to get the guy

And I'm just wondering 

If it will ever happen for me

My mam has pointed out 

That I am only really starting to get out and about and meeting people very recently 

She assures me that there is someone out there for me 

I hope she is right 

Because people 

Where is he already?

Work yesterday was lovely 

We had a group of 36

And even though they were quite 

Demanding 

They were so lovely 

But my God I was kept on my toes 

Between one thing and another 

It was nice because I was there every day with them 

And got to know them 

Their names 

Their stories

And of course they quickly got to know my name 

All I could hear all day long was Ruby, Ruby, Ruby!!!

And Christ on a bike 

I've never seen people my whole life 

They got through bread like  it was going out of fashion!

Yesterday morning 

One of the ladies asked me if I could organise a cake for one of the other ladies who was turning 60

So I got on to the chef

And he made two cakes pretty quickly 

We also managed to find birthday candles 

So

After tea 

We lit the candies 

And I carried the cake up all the while singing Happy Birthday

The woman who turned 60

I think she is special needs 

But the smile on her face was just priceless

She was so surprised 

So overwhelmed 

She must have hugged me ten times 

And thanked me a hundred times

It really made my day

Then when I was leaving for the evening 

Some of the ladies came back to me

And gave me a tip 

Which was so lovely of them 

I know that people staying in our centre don't have a lot of money

Do a gesture like that 

Is really appreciated 

I have another three weeks of work before I finish up

Then I will be at a loose end 

So I am on the look out for something to do

Whether that's another job

A course 

Or volunteering 

Hopefully something will come up

So

That's me for another day folks 

I am now going to catch up on your blogs and some much needed sleep

See you on the flip side......

Post party....

My God

It's been a crazy few days 

It's only now that I am getting the chance to post

And make sense of it all

On Thursday night 

We had our staff party

We met up at a bout 7pm in a local pub

Where we had a couple of drinks 

Yes

You read correctly 

I did have a drink

I know I probably shouldn't have 

But look 

It's done now 

I can't go back and change it 

So 

Then we headed to bingo

We went to bingo

Because the two housekeepers are leaving after this season

So we wanted to do something that they would enjoy 

I have to say 

It was great craic

Myself and Mary spent most of our time running up and down to the bar

I was on vodka and orange juice 

And people kept buying me doubles 

So as you can imagine 

I was well on it by the time we were finished the bingo

It was great though 

One of the ladies won €40

And one of the house keepers won €100

So we were delighted for them 

Some of the ladies left straight after the bingo

So there was just four of us left

and we headed on to a pub where a band was a playing 

Of course the alcohol was flowing freely 

I can only remember bits and pieces 

But it was great fun

And I was with good friends 

You know I wrote a few times about a crush that I had 

Well it was one of the chefs 

Who didn't come out with us that night 

His brother is also a chef 

And did come out with us 

At one stage 

One of the girls pulled me in to the loo

And broke it to me that my crush likes one of the other girls 

A very young 

Very tiny 

19 year old 

I have to admit 

I didn't not see that one coming

But thinking about it now 

I can see that my crush is more a good friendship more than anything else 

And maybe that is better 

I'm not heart broken or anything like it 

But it seems that the guys I like never like me back 

Why people?

Why?

Besides that 

We had a great night 

We danced 

We chatted 

We sang 

We took photos 

One of the girls even took a video of us dancing 

God forgive me 

If that ends up in a social media site 

I will go ape shit 

After the pub 

We walked up to the town

But I swear to God 

I don't remember a thing from that time until the time I got home

Not An iota 

Apparently we went to a night club

No memory of that 

We went for food 

No memory of that 

We walked one of the girls home 

Then I had to ring my mam for a lift 

As the taxis don't run at that hour of the morning 

I. Got home at 6am

What the hell I was doing until 6am 

I do not know 

At one stage during the night 

The chef asked me if I liked the other chef 

I have no clue what I said to him

But I'm hoping I didn't say anything about my supposed crush

I do however remember telling him about my drug history 

He was shocked to say the least

But I get like that when I have a few drinks taken 

My tongue becomes very loose altogether 

But hey 

I harmed so one 

Yesterday morning 

I got up at 11am

And my God I had the mother of all hangovers 

I haven't drank like that in years

Literally years 

I surprised I didn't pass out or get sick 

I got up 

Had a cuppa 

I couldn't face food 

And in fact I still couldn't face it today 

So I haven't eaten since Thursday 

Which is not good I know 

But I will have something this evening 

I then brought the dogs for a wAlk

Which cleared my head to a certain extent 

I came home And dozed on the couch 

Before I headed to work for 4pm

Sweet Jesus I was dying on my feet

And in fact I had to work an extra hour 

So that made the shift even longer

I got home last night 

And went straight to bed

Where I conked out like a light 

Then I had to be up today 

To be in work for 8am

It was not easy getting up this morning 

And I had another long day

Until 4pm

But in fairness 

The day went pretty quickly 

As we were so busy 

So I didn't have time to mull over things 

It was great fun today though

As we all tried to put the pieces of the night together 

There were some really funny momenus 

And the photos that we took are hilarious 

I really can't share them though 

As my others co workers are in all of them 

But I did post a couple of photos of what I wore at the end of this post

But yes

In all honesty 

I really should not be drinking 

Because I'm on a lot of Meds 

Because I have a history of addiction

Because I know I am a disaster area when I'm drunk 

But 

As we said today 

We harmed no one 

We got drunk 

Any harm was done to ourselves 

I won't be drinking like that again 

It was a once off

Not to be repeated 

When my mam and my auntie came to pick me up 

They meet some of my work friends

It was so funny 

Because we were all so drunk 

But it was harmless fun 

Today I feel a bit better 

I'm more tired than anything 

I'm in work again tomorrow at 12pm

So at least I have a lie in tomorrow morning 

Then I have a few days off

A chance to catch up on sleep 

And lick my wounds regarding the chef 

Work is finishing up for me in a couple of weeks 

It's going to be very strange to have no job 

I'll miss it 

The structure 

The routine 

The money 

But mostly the friends I have made

There are some really good and sound people working there 

Georgina picks her employees well

She seems to be able to read people quickly and accurately 

I really have made friends for life 

I've had jobs in the paSt 

Where I dreaded going in to work 

But not this job

The holiday centre is a very special place 

And both staff and guests are a pleasure to work for 

I can remember Georgina saying to me at the start of the summer 

That I would flourish in this job 

And you know what?

She was dead right 

I have come on leaps and bounds in the last few months 

My confidence 

My self esteem 

My whole demeanour and outlook has chAnged 

And I Am so grateful to Georgina for giving me a chance 

Because that's all I needed

For someone to give me a chance 

And now I know I will be kept in mind if anything else comes up work wise 

I will keep in touch with Georgina anyway 

And we'll see what happens 

Again 

Apologies for being a bad blogger 

For not being as committed as I used to be

And my reading and commenting has left a lot to be desired 

But look

I'm not blogging because I'm out there 

Living my life 

Working hard 

Playing hard

And generally being on the go the whole time 

But that's good

It great 

I now have a life 

I have a job 

Friends 

My horizons are expanding 

And my issues with food are very much in the background 

Which is nothing short of amazing 

Don't get me wrong 

Things are far from perfect 

But they are a hell of a lot better than they were 

I'm trying my best 

And look

I know I shouldn't have drank last night 

But I did 

And I will know for again not to have even one drink

Because as soon as I get a taste for it 

I can't stop myself 

Anyway 

I will leave it at that for today 

I am super tired 

So just going to flake out on the couch 

With a cuppa 

And watch The X Factor

What did I say earlier about having a life......?

Party!!

Today is Thursday 25 of August

Which means tonight is my staff party

Every year

Towards the end of the season

They head out for a well deserved treat

Last year they went to the races

But this year we are going to, wait for it...

....Bingo!!

Yes Bingo!

Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 

Well

The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 

And this is their last year working before they retire 

So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 

We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 

Then after a couple of drinks 

We are heading to Bingo for 8pm

They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 

I am both really looking forward to tonight 

And dreading it in equal measures

Obviously 

I won't be drinking 

And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 

In reality

I don't need to explain myself to anyone 

But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 

And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 

Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 

All I need to say is that I don't drink

Period

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm

I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 

And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 

For me 

Comfort is the priority 

I spent too many years 

Trying to be someone I wasn't 

And let me tell you 

That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 

Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 

Any way 

Look 

I will go 

And do my best to have a good time 

So 

I better run 

I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 

And of course to share some photos with you....

That is a given

Ok

Talk soon 

And see you on the next post....

Party!!

Today is Thursday 25 of August

Which means tonight is my staff party

Every year

Towards the end of the season

They head out for a well deserved treat

Last year they went to the races

But this year we are going to, wait for it...

....Bingo!!

Yes Bingo!

Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 

Well

The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 

And this is their last year working before they retire 

So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 

We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 

Then after a couple of drinks 

We are heading to Bingo for 8pm

They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 

I am both really looking forward to tonight 

And dreading it in equal measures

Obviously 

I won't be drinking 

And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 

In reality

I don't need to explain myself to anyone 

But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 

And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 

Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 

All I need to say is that I don't drink

Period

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm

I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 

And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 

For me 

Comfort is the priority 

I spent too many years 

Trying to be someone I wasn't 

And let me tell you 

That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 

Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 

Any way 

Look 

I will go 

And do my best to have a good time 

So 

I better run 

I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 

And of course to share some photos with you....

That is a given

Ok

Talk soon 

And see you on the next post....

Saturday

I usually work Saturdays 

But 

Work is quiet so I have another day off

This is both a good and a bad thing 

Bad in that I don't get paid 

Meaning that this week I have only worked a total of eight hours

But good in that I get to do fun stuff

Like sleep in 

Watch TV 

And blog and generally relax

So that's what I'm doing today

There are a lot of things about work I would love to blog about 

But I don't feel right writing about them

And posting it on the Internet 

So I will just keep things general

Last week 

And the week before 

I picked up extra hours 

As one of the girls was unwell

I was grateful to have the extra hours and pay 

But towards the end of the week

I kind of felt like I was being tAken for granted 

The sick girl was supposed to come back to work Thursday morning 

But I got a text at midnight on Wednesday from her 

Asking me to do her shift 

I was pretty annoyed about being asked at such short notice 

But 

I thought there was no one to go in to do the shift 

So I agreed to do it

I got up at 7am the next morning 

To be in work for 8 am

I was not a happy camper to say the least 

I thought I was on my own to do breakfast 

So you can imagine my surprise when one of the other ladies who works there walked in the door 

She was just as surprised to see me

Then the girl who had been poorly turned up too 

I was pretty annoyed 

Although I didn't show it 

Needless to say 

I left them to it 

And headed home

Later on that day 

I got a call from Georgina 

She apologised about the morning 

And said that this girl should never have asked me to work 

Without going through Georgina first 

She had a stern talk with her 

I then got a flurry of texts from the girl 

Apologising 

And trying to make things right

Of course I won't hold a grudge 

And apart from my feeling a little bit used 

No harm was done 

So we will build a bridge and get over it 

In other news 

Following my last post 

A few of you were adamant 

That I should not weigh myself on Monday

Just to remind you 

I have been feeling very fat and cumbersome

And had planned to get my doctor to weigh me on Monday morning 

I just feel like there is so much of me 

Sometimes it bothers me 

But most of the time I can rationalise that I am not obese 

And am in fact a healthy weight 

But recently 

I am finding it hard to appease myself 

I know there are other ways to keep an eye on my weight

Like how my clothes fit 

They fit perfectly 

In all honesty 

I feel no difference there 

But then I look in the mirror 

And I estimate by looking at myself 

They I am  size 14-16

Even though my clothes are size 8-10

And as well as that 

I hate that it still matters to me what I weigh 

Up until now 

I have been going by how I feel 

And not how I look 

I feel pretty good 

So who cares what I weigh?

Well

Me apparently 

I bloody care 

Or at least the ED part of me cares

But really and truly 

Weight should be the last thing on my mind 

And most of the time it is 

But just in the last week 

Having so much time off 

Has me looking for trouble 

This is why being busy is good for me people 

It keeps my mind distracted 

And I don't have time to think about things like weight or drugs 

But look

Hopefully this is just a temporary thing 

And I will move past it 

I am undecided whether to weigh on Monday or not

I guess one of two things could happen 

I could be relieved and reassured 

Or I could be horrified and repulsed 

But really 

I shouldn't let those numbers get to me so much 

However 

I will think about it 

And as ever 

I will keep you posted 

There is a girl at work 

And she has taken it upon herself to set me up with a guy 

She herself is all loved up 

So I guess she wants me to be too

She spoke about a few possibilities 

Even the chef at work 

But another girl that works there has a little crush on him

So I couldn't really do that to her

She could very well hunt me down and kill me in my sleep

But to be honest with you 

I do think the chef is a really nice and good guy 

When I first met him 

I didn't feel any attraction at all

But as I got to know him

And saw what a really sound guy he is 

He became more attractive to me 

Now 

The thing is 

I am not sure if I am mistaking friendship for something more 

I mean 

We get on great 

And he knows some of my history 

And didn't run in the opposite direction when I told him

He's just a very kind, caring and considerate guy 

I like him 

I'm just not sure if I like him like him

Am I making any sense here at all?

Watch this space I guess 

So 

All in all 

Things are going well 

I'm happy in work 

Happy with my friends 

Happy with my hobbies which keep me sane 

Happy at horse riding 

Happy in my recovery 

It's only been a few months 

But my life has changed drastically 

It's unrecognisable to what it was 

And I am so very grateful for that 

Also to have this community 

You all have been there for the past four and a half years 

Laughed and cried with me 

And always there by my side 

I am eternally grateful for that 

I will never forget you 

Thank you 

To each and every one of you 

From the bottom of my heart