Sunday - Positives of the week

It was a short week

Only four days as Monday was a bank holiday

I wrote two essays 

I met a friend from treatment on Tuesday for lunch

I managed to eat breakfast and lunch on a couple of occasions 

I rode a new horse called Jigsaw

Who was a total pet 

And really looked after me 

I made it through the week without crying or having a meltdown

I didn't ring in sick even though I felt fine 

I mounted both Blue and Jigsaw from the ground 

I fed the little pony down the road from me 

I didn't smoke even though I had a huge craving 

I budgeted my money well

I took my meds correctly 

I gave my Mam more money than usual for bills 

I started up conversation with a stranger 

I made it through week 3 of my course

What were the positives of your week?

Write, delete, repeat

I just wrote 

And promptly deleted a post about stopping blogging

I said goodbye and everything 

But the truth is 

I don't want to stop writing 

Even if it's only once a week

I love it 

And I love you

So I'm not going anywhere

Not yet anyway

I guess I need to be more active on blogger in order to maintain the friendships I have made 

It's a balancing act 

My real life 

And my virtual one 

But I feel a duty to you 

And to all the ED sufferers out there 

To show that recovery is possible 

The thought of leaving blogger is too much 

Blogger was there when I needed it

So I will be there for blogger

And all the readers out there 

For better or for worse 

I am not going anywhere....

Week 2

It seems since starting my course 

That I'm only posting once a week

I'm just so very tired during the week

That when I get home 

I don't have the energy to do anything 

But anyway 

I made it through week 2

Which I must admit 

Was a lot tougher than week 1

The other new girl who started with me hasn't come back 

She was offered a job 

So I guess she took that 

I think I already mentioned 

That we spend three days in the classroom 

Two days of doing our portfolios 

And one day of horsemanship theory 

Then we spend two days in the stables 

It's one extreme to another 

The classroom is laid back 

No pressure 

And the stables is hard physical work 

It's go go go

So 

On a Thursday we get a bus out to the stables 

And gather in the classroom to go over some stuff 

Our tutors name is Grainne 

And she is one hardy buck 

She pulls no punches 

And takes no shit 

Truth be told 

I'm just a little bit afraid of her 

Our other tutors name is Joanna

And I swear 

Only for her 

I don't think I would have got through this week

Where as Grainne is tough and hard on us 

Joanna is kind and super encouraging 

It's a kind of good cop, bad cop I guess 

After the classroom 

We head to the stables to muck out 

We find a wheel barrow 

A pitch fork and a brush 

And literally clean all the droppings and old hay and anything that's damp or wet 

Let me tell you 

It's not easy 

Once your barrow is full

You wheel it around to the dung heap 

But even wheeling it is hard work 

And boy do I struggle 

Then 

You go to the very edge of the heap 

And tip the barrow over 

Emptying the contents over 

This also is not easy 

Having done that 

You go back to where the saw dust is 

Fill your barrow 

Wheel it back to the stable

And tip it in for new bedding 

Then you brush it out 

And job done 

This week I've mostly been cleaning out Blue 

A real pet 

Once you have mucked out 

And presuming that you have any energy left 

You are assigned a horse 

And it's time to groom and tack him up 

So 

I get a grooming kit 

Put a head collar on the horse 

And tie him up 

I brush him down 

And pick out the dirt in his hooves 

I actually enjoy this part 

As you feel a connection with the horse 

I talk to them 

And it's just very enjoyable 

Grooming done 

It's time to tack him up

I get Blues bridal and his saddle 

The bridal goes on first 

Then the saddle 

It's actually the equipment that I have been really struggling with 

I look at a bridal 

And all I see is a pile of leather straps and buckles 

It makes no sense to me at all

This is where Joanna is a great help 

As well as being very nice 

She is also a great teacher 

With endless patience 

So 

I get the bridal on 

And the saddle 

Before I know it 

It's time for our first lesson 

On Thursday 

There were five of us in the lesson

I lead Blue in 

Adjust my stirrups and my girth 

I'm looking for the block to mount Blue 

But one of the girls encourages me to mount him without it 

I'm doubtful I can do it 

But I try 

And I do it!!

I feel so happy that I actually did it!

The lessons here are much different to the horse therapy I was doing 

I'm these lessons we get no breaks 

It's straight in to a trot 

And it's action stations for the whole hour 

Circles 

Little jumps 

Jumping position 

It's tough going 

You would think that sitting on a horse is easy peasy 

But make no mistake 

It's is a workout riding a horse 

Your legs 

You arms 

Your core 

They are all engaged and working hard

My buddy Blue is quite lazy 

He cuts corners 

Although that's my fault for letting him

He is a devil to get going 

And when he comes to a jump he stops dead and literally steps over it

But I still love him 

He looked after me well

After our first lesson 

We intact the horses 

Groom them again 

And put their rugs on 

The Grainne brought us in to the tack room 

And we had to take apart 

And put back together a bridal 

Boy did I struggle 

But with help I got it done 

I was totally confused though 

I know I wouldn't be able to go that again 

After that 

It was lunch time 

Do we headed upstairs to relax for a hour 

Last week 

I bought a thermos flask 

So I can have hot tea all day 

What a great buy it was 

During lunch I began to struggle 

Our group in small 

But there are some really big personalities 

And I really don't feel like I am fitting in 

I feel like I am an outsider 

And yes 

I know I'm still very new 

And these people all know each other a lot longer 

I have really made an effort to talk to them 

But during lunch on Thursday 

I felt so left out 

That I could feel tears stinging my eyes 

I texted my Mam

And she texted me back such a lovely text that I had to fight back the tears 

I just wanted to go home 

And the day felt endless 

After lunch 

We groomed and tacked the horses again 

And had our second lesson 

Holy shit did I struggle 

I literally had no puff left in me 

Everything hurt 

And Blue was hard work bless him

There were time when I thought I was going to have to stop 

But I pushed through 

And got through the lesson 

Then we untracked the horses 

And gave them a quick groom 

I swear I was so glad to see the end of that day 

I got the bus home 

Stinking of horse shit 

I got home 

And I was in serious agony from all my exertions 

My legs were seriously sore 

I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle trying to get comfortable 

And went to bed early 

Yesterday

I have to admit I was dreading the day 

I got in to town early 

And was so very tempted to ring in sick

I just couldn't face another day of hard work and feeling left out of the group 

But I figured that I only had a half day 

And I would probably regret it if I didn't go in

We arrived to the stables 

Gathered in the classroom 

And Grainne had a test waiting for us 

I actually surprised myself with how much I had learned in the past two weeks 

And I didn't do half bad

Then it was time to muck out 

Groom 

And tack 

I was assigned a different horse today 

A beautiful boy called Arrow

Who was a it bigger than Blue 

I felt a bit more comfortable and confident with the tack today 

I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of it 

We headed in to the arena 

And again 

I managed to mount Arrow without the block 

I can't tell you how good it feels to do that 

I felt like a proper horse rider 

Straight away 

Arrow felt quicker 

And more forward than Blue

He felt great though 

When it was my turn to trot on my own 

I obviously gave Arrow too much of a kick 

And he shot off in to a canter 

I loved it!

It was a real buzz

But I guess I learned that I don't need to be so hard kicking him on

Again though 

I struggled to get through the lesson 

And felt so exhausted 

But 

It eventually came to an end 

I untacked Arrow 

And gave him another quick groom 

And put his rug on 

Then we practised doing tail bandages on the horses tail 

Which you do when the horse is travelling 

Then 

Before I knew it 

It was lunch time 

And the day was over 

I can't tell you how relieved I was to finish this week 

I also have Monday off 

So I have an extra day to recharge my batteries 

We got the bus back in to town 

And I met my Mam 

Before heading home 

I was literally sweating bullets 

So the first thing I did when I got home was have a hot shower 

To wash off what was a really tough week 

Then I had to go to the doctor and collect my meds 

I must admit 

This week I really had to ask myself the question 

Is this for me?

Am I enjoying this?

And what are my options after the course?

I'm 35 

Am I starting off too late?

Am I doing the wrong thing?

I spoke to my Mam

And she made the point that I lost a lot of years to addiction and my ED

I have had to work my ass off to get t the point where most people start off

And also the physicality of the work is kicking my ass

My body is still recovering 

And I'm not as strong as the others 

Also

I know that I am losing weight 

I can feel it 

And it's not they I'm trying 

It's that I am going do much hard work 

So I know I need to be careful 

As if I continue to lose weight 

I'll never be able to do this course 

But look 

I had a tough couple of days 

An the fact that I don't feel part of the group is getting to me 

However 

I'm not giving up just yet 

I will give the course a proper go

I am giving it my best though 

And that's all I can do

Thanks for sticking with me guys 

I know I haven't been the best blogger recently 

Life has been shooting forward faster than I can keep up with it 

But hopefully I will get used to it 

I truly hope you are all doing ok

You are never far from my thoughts 

Week 1 Over

Hello friends 

Wow

It's feels so good 

To take the time to sit down with a cuppa and write

This week has been hectic to say the least 

Early mornings 

Long days 

Very early nights 

Lather, rinse, repeat 

Before I started the course 

I deliberately didn't think about what I was letting myself in for

Ignorance is bliss and all that 

I decided to take it day by day 

And hour by hour if necessary

The first half of the week was spent in the classroom doing assignments 

It was very laid back and relaxed 

No pressure at all 

Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 

All week I was looking forward to working with the horses 

On Thursday morning 

We gathered in the centre 

And caught a bus out to the stables

I had my gear with me 

So I was good to go 

First we went up to the class room 

To do some theory 

That lasted about half an hour 

Then it was down to the stables 

And time to muck out 

I don't know about you 

But I have never in my life kicked out a stable 

And let me tell you 

It is not easy 

First I worked with one of the other girls 

And she explained things to me 

Basically 

You get yourself a wheel barrow 

A pitch fork

And a brush 

You remove all the horse poop 

And any of the bedding that is wet 

But Jesus H Christ 

Did I have trouble doing that

The pitch fork itself is heavy 

And I am quite a little person 

So I found the actual mucking out really hard 

Then of course the horse is in the stable 

So you have to manoeuvre around him

And try and get him to go where you want him to go 

So when I had filled my barrow 

I had to bring it around to the dung heap

And boy did I struggle with that 

The barrow was so heavy 

I was sure it was going to topple over 

If you can imagine 

I was walking forward 

Pulling the barrow behind me 

Coming out of the stables 

There was a slope 

And I swear to God

I nearly got run over by my own wheel barrow!

Then I had to go around to empty the barrow 

To what I can only describe as a quarry of horse poop

I had to go right to the edge 

And honest to God 

There were many times when I thought I was going to be pulled over the edge 

I literally don't have a lot of strength 

Grainne is the name of the woman in charge in the stables 

And she is one hardy buck 

When she saw me struggling with the barrow 

She said she hopes I don't drive

Ha!

Of course the funny thing is that I do 

But I definitely find using the barrow tricky 

The other new girl was there too on Thursday 

But because she has worked in a trekking centre before 

She knew a lot more than me 

So I felt way behind everyone else

Then it was time to groom the horses 

And that was nice

It was around then that I realised that I wouldn't be riding that day 

I can't lie 

I was really disappointed 

But I figured this week was a trial week

So no riding for me 

We breaker for lunch for an hour 

And no one had told me that there are zero facilities to get something to eat and drink 

I had nothing 

So one of the girls very kindly shared her lunch with me

After lunch 

The others had their riding lesson 

And I did more grooming 

And learning about the tack and all the gear 

I have to admit 

It was pretty overwhelming 

There was so much information thrown at me 

It was mind boggling 

By the end of the day 

I felt physically and emotionally drained 

And unsure whether this was for me 

We finished up in the afternoon

And I asked our tutor Joanna if I could speak to her 

I was honest 

I told her I felt a bit overwhelmed 

And that I was recovering from an eating disorder 

And was still quite weak 

She was nice to me 

Told me not to compare myself to the others 

And to work at my own pace 

She also said that if at any to me I needed to take ten minutes for myself that was ok

She also told me to really think about if I want to do this course 

And what ever decision I came to was ok

I left the stables feeling very tired 

It was really hard work 

But the positive is that I got to spend time with so many beautiful animals

So that made it all worthwhile 

My day wasn't over yet though 

When I got back in to town 

I was walking over to get my bus 

When I saw a woman holding a bird 

And was trying to cut something off the bird 

Curious as ever 

I asked her what she was doing 

She showed me that the birds feet were all tangled in fishing line 

And there was a fish hook through its claw

She held the bird 

And asked me to pull the hook out 

As you may know 

It's not easy to get a fish hook out cleanly 

I tried to pull gently 

But the bird started to bleed

But I kept trying 

And finally managed to pull it out 

The woman said she was going to bring the bird to the vet 

So I left her to it 

Honestly 

How do I get myself in to these situations?

But hey 

I was glad I could help

Yesterday 

We were out in the stables again

But just for a half day 

I was slightly dreading the mucking out part

And I prepared myself for the fact that I probably wouldn't get to ride

Again 

We started in the classroom

Before heading to the stables 

This time 

Joanna kept a good eye on me 

And helped me with everything 

Which was good of her 

I mucked out and groomed a beautiful pony called Blue 

He was a real pet 

A gentle little thing 

Then Grainne came over and asked me if I had ridden before

I said I had done a little bit 

And explained about the equine assisted therarpy 

She told me to rack up Blue 

And that I could join the lesson

I was super excited!

And Joanne helped me tack up 

I led Blue in to the arena with the others 

They all looked so confident 

And I felt so nervous 

I mounted Blue 

And took myself to the back seat of the line 

The minute I was on his back 

I felt right at home 

Then it was straight in to riding trot 

No warm up or anything 

Blue was a joy to ride 

And really looked after me 

We did a few rounds of trot 

Then we did something called the jumping position 

Which I'm presuming is the position you take when jumping a fence 

I just had to learn quickly and copy the others 

I am so glad that I had the experience I had 

As I was really thrown in at the deep end

Then some of the others did a twenty metre circle 

Again 

I was glad that I knew what that was

And I was able to keep up 

Then some of the others did a canter 

One by one 

I was at the end 

So Grainne told me just to trot 

But Blue had other ideas 

And broke in to a canter 

What a buzz!!

I loved it!

And Grainne actually said 'Good Girl'

Which is praise indeed from her

I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson 

And it really made all the hard work worthwhile

All too soon 

The lesson was over

So I brought Blue in 

Untacked him

Groomed him

And out his rug back on

Then it was lunch time 

And we were finished for the day 

And the week

This morning it felt so good to wake up

And realise that I had no where to be 

And nothing to do

It was a tough week 

But I have to say 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And I think I am going to do it

It's funny 

When I was doing the horse therapy 

I literally used to turn up 

Ride Star 

And go home 

I had no clue about all the work that went in to looking after horse 

And boy are they a full time job

I'm so glad to have a few days off though

To recharge my batteries

And catch up on myself 

I am so lucky to have the support of my family though 

My Mam looks after the dogs during the day 

So I don't have to worry about them at all 

Right 

I'm off to make a cuppa 

And watch Masterchef 

Hope you enjoy your Saturday 

And see you on the next post....

Day 3 Horsemanship

Just a very quick post 

As I am on the bus on the way home

To let you know that I started my course on Monday

And so far it's going pretty well

The day is long enough

9 15am - 4 15pm

The first half of the week is spent in the classroom 

Doing modules like goals, communications and such

Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 

Learning everything about horses 

So I am excited for my first day tomorrow 

There are 14 in my class

Nice and small 

We are all at different stages 

But another girl started with me on Monday

The first question everyone asked me was had I horse riding experience 

I played down the riding I've done 

As I don't want to look a fool if it all goes wrong 

But I did say that I had been learning to canter 

Which if I'm honest 

I regret saying 

Most of the people in the class had very limited experience of horses

Apart from the other new girl 

Who used to work in a trekking centre 

So I'm thinking she knows her stuff

Monday was tough though 

I'm getting a bus in to town at 7 50am

So I'm up at 7am 

And it's pitch dark at that time 

Then finding my classroom

Meeting the other girls 

We have three breaks in the day 

Which is great as the day is broken up in to chunks 

But during the breaks on the first day 

I didn't know where everyone went 

So I spent my breaks alone 

Sad I know 

But yesterday the girls asked me to lunch so I gladly went 

And they are all lovely 

All animal mad like me 

So we have that in common from the get go

Today was good as we had a different teacher 

Who taught us all about the horses tack 

And the the anatomy of a horse 

So I enjoyed that 

I'm hoping that I might be able to get a later bus in to town 

As they seem pretty flexible about what time you show up at

In fact it's all very relaxed and informal 

I guess we are all adults 

So the onus is on us

Anyway 

I will update properly at the weekend 

Appologies for being AWOL

But it seems life is shooting forward at break neck speed

But I know there are things I need to iron out 

Like the fact I'm not eating during the school day 

And I'm finding it very difficult to manage meals at the breaks 

The thing is 

I know I won't last if I don't fuel my body 

And the next thing will be that I'll get ill or weak 

But look

These are all teething problems 

I'm sure it will all work out sooner or later 

A big thank you to all the lovely ladies keeping our community going 

You know who you are 

Alright that's me

See you on the next post...

Getting ready for Monday

The last few days have been spent getting ready to start my course Monday 

The logistics 

Sorting out travel 

My money 

My meals and how I'm going to manage those 

And generally psyching myself up to be on good form 

And ready to take on anything my course throws at me

Terror and anxiety is gradually giving way to excitement and eagerness 

I can't wait to start 

I can't wait to throw myself in to it 

To be in the midst of everything horsey for the next 18 months

As well as it being right up my street 

I know it's also going to be tough

Early mornings 

Getting up in the dark 

Coming home in the dark 

Long days 

Physically and emotionally it's going to be hard going 

But I am so ready for the challenge 

So ready to learn and grow 

And become a capable horse rider 

I just have such a good feeling about this 

Yesterday 

I had a moment of weakness 

And I weighed myself 

My mother also weighed herself 

And I weigh more than her 

This bothered me for about half an hour 

But then I realised that it really doesn't matter 

Not one little bit 

I am right smack bang in the middle of what is a healthy weight for my height 

I am taller than my mother 

I also came to the realisation 

That if I want to do my course 

If I want to be a competent horse rider 

I need to keep my strength up 

I need to keep my body fuelled 

If I stop eating 

Or start purging more 

Then I can say goodbye to my course 

Goodbye to my health 

My happiness 

My families happiness 

There are bigger issues I have to

Address 

Like being able to contribute to looking after my Dad 

I'm needed 

If I am not eating properly 

I can't do any of this 

It could be argued that addiction and EDs are extremely selfish 

I both agree and disagree with this 

I know it took me a long time to realise they my addictions effected more than just me 

It had a ripple effect on to everyone around me 

And my family were stone cold sober through it all 

I was off my face 

And oblivious to the hurt and pain I was causing 

Now I know if I want to pick up a drug 

Then it's not just my life I'm ruining 

But those around me also 

And that is too high a cost to pay 

So 

I am not getting back on the merry-go-round of weighing myself 

No good can come of it 

Today 

I am taking it easy 

And gathering my strength for Monday 

I know some of you expressed concern that this horsemanship course might be too much for me 

And I know I will struggle with aspects of it 

But I have to follow my heart 

And go with what I feel is right 

I could do the computer course I applied for 

Which would only be two days a week 

But computers don't excite me 

Horses excite me 

Riding excites me 

Anything to do with animals excites me 

So i am going to go for it 

I know I would regret it if I didn't 

I feel I have a good foundation in riding now 

Although 

When I go out to the new stables 

I'm not going to say that I have experience 

I'll play down the fact that I have a little bit of experience 

Just so the don't push me too much 

I just can't wait to get started though 

I have such a good feeling about it!

Anyway 

That's it from me for today 

Hope you all have a lovely Saturday 

And see you on the next post....

Introvert or Extrovert?

My sister lived in Australia for 12 years 

And came back to live with us a couple of years ago

She was going through a hard time 

Battling depression and anxiety 

And wanted to be at home 

Personally 

I was delighted she came home 

As I get on very well with her 

But I did notice a lot of changes in her 

She had a lot less energy 

And she craved quietness and warmth

We live in a bungalow 

But we have two bedrooms renovated upstairs

And my sisters bedroom is one of those 

She calls it her 'Nest'

It's very silent up there 

And warm 

And she regularly retreats there to have a nap 

Or to watch something on her laptop

Sometimes I get texts asking me to go up and visit her 

And often I'll get in to the bed with her 

I enjoy the coziness 

But that's where the similarities end

When I get up in the morning 

The first thing I do is turn on the radio 

Often times I turn it on while snoozing in bed 

I like the radio 

And it's constantly on here at home 

However 

When my sister comes in 

The first thing she does is turn off the radio

I like it because it's background noise 

And it takes me away from my own thoughts 

Which may or may not be negative

I like to have something else to focus on

To take me away from myself and my own little worries 

My sister can't stand noise of any kind 

And craves peace and quiet 

Anyway 

Where am I going with this?

Yes 

My sister posted a pic on FB about extroverts and introverts 

And the difference between the two

She identifies as an introvert 

And that got me thinking about what I am 

I definitely don't fit neatly in to one category 

I guess like everyone 

There are times when I am an extrovert 

And times when I am an introvert 

As I tend to be pretty quiet around people i don't know 

And louder and more gregarious around people I do know 

I also tend to find it easier to talk to strangers for some reason

I think I can put people in to categories 

I was bullied for a while as s child 

By girls from the rougher and tougher tech school 

This school was near my house 

So I passed these girls every day on the way home from school 

It was nothing serious 

Mainly bitchy comments 

A few pushes

They tried hard to scare me 

And it worked to a certain extent 

But ever since then 

Girls like this have made me feel uneasy 

What girls?

Well girls who are rough 

Loud 

Often very pretty

And definitely intimidating 

I can identify them immediately 

And I revert back to being that scared school girl 

Because of this 

As a teenager 

I often sought out boyfriends and friends who were the male equivalent of these girls 

So I had someone on my side 

And I may even be accepted by said girls  

As some of you will know 

Bullying can really damage self esteem and confidence 

Before these incidents 

I was well on my way to becoming an extrovert 

But that wasn't to be 

And I ended up the way I ended up 

But now 

I put people in to categories 

And that's not a good thing 

Everyone should be equal 

And it would be nice if that were always the way 

But it's not

At least for me anyway 

Now I am an extrovert trapped in an introverts body 

I would love to be myself more 

But often I let shyness and lack of confidence swallow me up 

This is one of the reasons I love blogging 

As I find it much easier to communicate through the written word 

Rather than speaking

But I guess a lot of people are like that 

So 

With all that said 

And I have covered a lot in this short post 

I was wondering about you 

Do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

Are you a bit of both? 

Have you been bullied love me me ?

How did it effect you in later life?

Answers on a postcard please....