Sick

I'm off school today

And was off yesterday too

Since I started my course four weeks ago

I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings

At first I put it down to my change in routine 

And adjusting to my course 

But recently 

It's been getting worse 

I get like clockwork every morning 

But not for the rest of the day

On Sunday night 

I woke up and threw up a few times

So just to be sure 

I took yesterday off 

I got up this morning 

Planning to go in 

But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession 

So I made an executive decision

And decided to stay at home 

I did speak to my doctor last week

And he said to keep an eye on it

And notice when I am getting it

And when I don't 

Over the weekend 

I didn't have any diarrhoea at all

But come Monday morning 

It came back 

I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety 

I don't actually feel stressed 

But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface 

Starting this course was a huge step 

And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation

But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled 

Of course 

In saying that 

I am still adjusting 

And finding my feet 

But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions 

I rang my doctor today 

And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen 

She said I could go in only if it was an emergency 

I told her I needed a cert for school

But she said that wasn't an emergency 

Nice 

So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert 

It's nice to have a couple of days off 

But I would much rather be in school 

As I don't want to miss out 

Because I am struggling to keep up as it is 

Apart from that 

I am doing welll

I feel good 

I feel healthy and strong 

Not weak or delicate like I used to

I'm loving my course 

Two new girls started this week

But I haven't met them yet

Which is more anxiety meeting new people 

The girls on my course have been just lovely 

Texting me to check on me

And just being good friends 

I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless 

Because I know the longer I leave it 

The harder it will be to get back in to a routine 

Anyway 

Just a quick post today 

Thanks for reading 

And see you on the next post....

Facebooking from the edge....

I have only recently started using Facebook

I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time 

I avoided it for a few reasons 

The number one being that I had no life 

And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives

Basically 

If I had a FB account this time last year

All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit 

And let's face it

That is nothing to brag about 

I had nothing positive to report at all

Also 

I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals 

These images stayed lodged in my brain

And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals 

It's a bit of a tug of war for me

I don't want to know these things 

Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on

Take this morning for example 

I scrolled through my news feed 

And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China 

To make out leather goods 

I broke down after reading the article 

I utterly despaired 

And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love 

I just don't understand it 

I really don't 

After the tears subside 

The anger sets in

And the absolute need to do something about 

I signed a petition 

I shared it on Facebook

And wrote a post about my feelings 

But it doesn't feel like enough 

I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now 

And now knowing where most of our leather comes from 

I'm even considering vegan ism 

The only thing is 

That I don't know the first thing about it 

I don't know how to cook vegan food 

I'm not even sure which foods are vegan

I just want to do something 

Even if it's in my own small way 

After this 

I went in to the kitchen 

And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea

I hugged them tightly 

And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home 

Anyway 

Look 

I could write for days about this 

But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears 

In other news

Today is Friday 

And I usually have a half day today 

But today I am off sick with some sort of bug 

I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now 

And I just feel so tired and weak

It's nice to have a day off though 

Even if I don't feel all that well

So I now have a month done of my course 

Some things are getting easier 

But I must admit

I do struggle to retain information

Thank you 12 years of drug abuse

For my brain like a sieve 

For low self esteem and confidence 

For an inherent inability to like myself 

Or to believe in myself 

For putting me through hell

And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia 

For my weak body 

A malfunctioning body

And for any lack of life skills 

Oh yes

They have treated me well

So because of all this 

More often than not 

I feel like the class dunce 

I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to 

And never the one I do know the answer to

Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!

Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard 

And I felt so embarrassed 

But 

I'll never make that mistake again 

That's for sure

I struggle with the equipment 

I forget the names of things 

During our riding lesson

Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups 

Asked us questions 

And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly 

I had to do two laps of the arena like this 

And boy did I feel stupid 

On a positive note 

I am now cantering 

And not by accident 

Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino

What a beauty 

I think she has been my favourite so far 

She was lovely and forward to ride 

Responded with little effort from me

Just a joy to ride

I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter 

As if had no instruction

It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'

I kicked on Bambi

Sat in to the saddle 

Leg behind the girth

And the sprang in to a canter 

Such a rush 

A definite improvement on my day

I only have a couple of photos this week

Below is Arnie having a rest 

And me chillin' with Bambi.....

Sunday - Positives of the week

It was a short week

Only four days as Monday was a bank holiday

I wrote two essays 

I met a friend from treatment on Tuesday for lunch

I managed to eat breakfast and lunch on a couple of occasions 

I rode a new horse called Jigsaw

Who was a total pet 

And really looked after me 

I made it through the week without crying or having a meltdown

I didn't ring in sick even though I felt fine 

I mounted both Blue and Jigsaw from the ground 

I fed the little pony down the road from me 

I didn't smoke even though I had a huge craving 

I budgeted my money well

I took my meds correctly 

I gave my Mam more money than usual for bills 

I started up conversation with a stranger 

I made it through week 3 of my course

What were the positives of your week?

Write, delete, repeat

I just wrote 

And promptly deleted a post about stopping blogging

I said goodbye and everything 

But the truth is 

I don't want to stop writing 

Even if it's only once a week

I love it 

And I love you

So I'm not going anywhere

Not yet anyway

I guess I need to be more active on blogger in order to maintain the friendships I have made 

It's a balancing act 

My real life 

And my virtual one 

But I feel a duty to you 

And to all the ED sufferers out there 

To show that recovery is possible 

The thought of leaving blogger is too much 

Blogger was there when I needed it

So I will be there for blogger

And all the readers out there 

For better or for worse 

I am not going anywhere....

Week 2

It seems since starting my course 

That I'm only posting once a week

I'm just so very tired during the week

That when I get home 

I don't have the energy to do anything 

But anyway 

I made it through week 2

Which I must admit 

Was a lot tougher than week 1

The other new girl who started with me hasn't come back 

She was offered a job 

So I guess she took that 

I think I already mentioned 

That we spend three days in the classroom 

Two days of doing our portfolios 

And one day of horsemanship theory 

Then we spend two days in the stables 

It's one extreme to another 

The classroom is laid back 

No pressure 

And the stables is hard physical work 

It's go go go

So 

On a Thursday we get a bus out to the stables 

And gather in the classroom to go over some stuff 

Our tutors name is Grainne 

And she is one hardy buck 

She pulls no punches 

And takes no shit 

Truth be told 

I'm just a little bit afraid of her 

Our other tutors name is Joanna

And I swear 

Only for her 

I don't think I would have got through this week

Where as Grainne is tough and hard on us 

Joanna is kind and super encouraging 

It's a kind of good cop, bad cop I guess 

After the classroom 

We head to the stables to muck out 

We find a wheel barrow 

A pitch fork and a brush 

And literally clean all the droppings and old hay and anything that's damp or wet 

Let me tell you 

It's not easy 

Once your barrow is full

You wheel it around to the dung heap 

But even wheeling it is hard work 

And boy do I struggle 

Then 

You go to the very edge of the heap 

And tip the barrow over 

Emptying the contents over 

This also is not easy 

Having done that 

You go back to where the saw dust is 

Fill your barrow 

Wheel it back to the stable

And tip it in for new bedding 

Then you brush it out 

And job done 

This week I've mostly been cleaning out Blue 

A real pet 

Once you have mucked out 

And presuming that you have any energy left 

You are assigned a horse 

And it's time to groom and tack him up 

So 

I get a grooming kit 

Put a head collar on the horse 

And tie him up 

I brush him down 

And pick out the dirt in his hooves 

I actually enjoy this part 

As you feel a connection with the horse 

I talk to them 

And it's just very enjoyable 

Grooming done 

It's time to tack him up

I get Blues bridal and his saddle 

The bridal goes on first 

Then the saddle 

It's actually the equipment that I have been really struggling with 

I look at a bridal 

And all I see is a pile of leather straps and buckles 

It makes no sense to me at all

This is where Joanna is a great help 

As well as being very nice 

She is also a great teacher 

With endless patience 

So 

I get the bridal on 

And the saddle 

Before I know it 

It's time for our first lesson 

On Thursday 

There were five of us in the lesson

I lead Blue in 

Adjust my stirrups and my girth 

I'm looking for the block to mount Blue 

But one of the girls encourages me to mount him without it 

I'm doubtful I can do it 

But I try 

And I do it!!

I feel so happy that I actually did it!

The lessons here are much different to the horse therapy I was doing 

I'm these lessons we get no breaks 

It's straight in to a trot 

And it's action stations for the whole hour 

Circles 

Little jumps 

Jumping position 

It's tough going 

You would think that sitting on a horse is easy peasy 

But make no mistake 

It's is a workout riding a horse 

Your legs 

You arms 

Your core 

They are all engaged and working hard

My buddy Blue is quite lazy 

He cuts corners 

Although that's my fault for letting him

He is a devil to get going 

And when he comes to a jump he stops dead and literally steps over it

But I still love him 

He looked after me well

After our first lesson 

We intact the horses 

Groom them again 

And put their rugs on 

The Grainne brought us in to the tack room 

And we had to take apart 

And put back together a bridal 

Boy did I struggle 

But with help I got it done 

I was totally confused though 

I know I wouldn't be able to go that again 

After that 

It was lunch time 

Do we headed upstairs to relax for a hour 

Last week 

I bought a thermos flask 

So I can have hot tea all day 

What a great buy it was 

During lunch I began to struggle 

Our group in small 

But there are some really big personalities 

And I really don't feel like I am fitting in 

I feel like I am an outsider 

And yes 

I know I'm still very new 

And these people all know each other a lot longer 

I have really made an effort to talk to them 

But during lunch on Thursday 

I felt so left out 

That I could feel tears stinging my eyes 

I texted my Mam

And she texted me back such a lovely text that I had to fight back the tears 

I just wanted to go home 

And the day felt endless 

After lunch 

We groomed and tacked the horses again 

And had our second lesson 

Holy shit did I struggle 

I literally had no puff left in me 

Everything hurt 

And Blue was hard work bless him

There were time when I thought I was going to have to stop 

But I pushed through 

And got through the lesson 

Then we untracked the horses 

And gave them a quick groom 

I swear I was so glad to see the end of that day 

I got the bus home 

Stinking of horse shit 

I got home 

And I was in serious agony from all my exertions 

My legs were seriously sore 

I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle trying to get comfortable 

And went to bed early 

Yesterday

I have to admit I was dreading the day 

I got in to town early 

And was so very tempted to ring in sick

I just couldn't face another day of hard work and feeling left out of the group 

But I figured that I only had a half day 

And I would probably regret it if I didn't go in

We arrived to the stables 

Gathered in the classroom 

And Grainne had a test waiting for us 

I actually surprised myself with how much I had learned in the past two weeks 

And I didn't do half bad

Then it was time to muck out 

Groom 

And tack 

I was assigned a different horse today 

A beautiful boy called Arrow

Who was a it bigger than Blue 

I felt a bit more comfortable and confident with the tack today 

I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of it 

We headed in to the arena 

And again 

I managed to mount Arrow without the block 

I can't tell you how good it feels to do that 

I felt like a proper horse rider 

Straight away 

Arrow felt quicker 

And more forward than Blue

He felt great though 

When it was my turn to trot on my own 

I obviously gave Arrow too much of a kick 

And he shot off in to a canter 

I loved it!

It was a real buzz

But I guess I learned that I don't need to be so hard kicking him on

Again though 

I struggled to get through the lesson 

And felt so exhausted 

But 

It eventually came to an end 

I untacked Arrow 

And gave him another quick groom 

And put his rug on 

Then we practised doing tail bandages on the horses tail 

Which you do when the horse is travelling 

Then 

Before I knew it 

It was lunch time 

And the day was over 

I can't tell you how relieved I was to finish this week 

I also have Monday off 

So I have an extra day to recharge my batteries 

We got the bus back in to town 

And I met my Mam 

Before heading home 

I was literally sweating bullets 

So the first thing I did when I got home was have a hot shower 

To wash off what was a really tough week 

Then I had to go to the doctor and collect my meds 

I must admit 

This week I really had to ask myself the question 

Is this for me?

Am I enjoying this?

And what are my options after the course?

I'm 35 

Am I starting off too late?

Am I doing the wrong thing?

I spoke to my Mam

And she made the point that I lost a lot of years to addiction and my ED

I have had to work my ass off to get t the point where most people start off

And also the physicality of the work is kicking my ass

My body is still recovering 

And I'm not as strong as the others 

Also

I know that I am losing weight 

I can feel it 

And it's not they I'm trying 

It's that I am going do much hard work 

So I know I need to be careful 

As if I continue to lose weight 

I'll never be able to do this course 

But look 

I had a tough couple of days 

An the fact that I don't feel part of the group is getting to me 

However 

I'm not giving up just yet 

I will give the course a proper go

I am giving it my best though 

And that's all I can do

Thanks for sticking with me guys 

I know I haven't been the best blogger recently 

Life has been shooting forward faster than I can keep up with it 

But hopefully I will get used to it 

I truly hope you are all doing ok

You are never far from my thoughts 

Week 1 Over

Hello friends 

Wow

It's feels so good 

To take the time to sit down with a cuppa and write

This week has been hectic to say the least 

Early mornings 

Long days 

Very early nights 

Lather, rinse, repeat 

Before I started the course 

I deliberately didn't think about what I was letting myself in for

Ignorance is bliss and all that 

I decided to take it day by day 

And hour by hour if necessary

The first half of the week was spent in the classroom doing assignments 

It was very laid back and relaxed 

No pressure at all 

Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 

All week I was looking forward to working with the horses 

On Thursday morning 

We gathered in the centre 

And caught a bus out to the stables

I had my gear with me 

So I was good to go 

First we went up to the class room 

To do some theory 

That lasted about half an hour 

Then it was down to the stables 

And time to muck out 

I don't know about you 

But I have never in my life kicked out a stable 

And let me tell you 

It is not easy 

First I worked with one of the other girls 

And she explained things to me 

Basically 

You get yourself a wheel barrow 

A pitch fork

And a brush 

You remove all the horse poop 

And any of the bedding that is wet 

But Jesus H Christ 

Did I have trouble doing that

The pitch fork itself is heavy 

And I am quite a little person 

So I found the actual mucking out really hard 

Then of course the horse is in the stable 

So you have to manoeuvre around him

And try and get him to go where you want him to go 

So when I had filled my barrow 

I had to bring it around to the dung heap

And boy did I struggle with that 

The barrow was so heavy 

I was sure it was going to topple over 

If you can imagine 

I was walking forward 

Pulling the barrow behind me 

Coming out of the stables 

There was a slope 

And I swear to God

I nearly got run over by my own wheel barrow!

Then I had to go around to empty the barrow 

To what I can only describe as a quarry of horse poop

I had to go right to the edge 

And honest to God 

There were many times when I thought I was going to be pulled over the edge 

I literally don't have a lot of strength 

Grainne is the name of the woman in charge in the stables 

And she is one hardy buck 

When she saw me struggling with the barrow 

She said she hopes I don't drive

Ha!

Of course the funny thing is that I do 

But I definitely find using the barrow tricky 

The other new girl was there too on Thursday 

But because she has worked in a trekking centre before 

She knew a lot more than me 

So I felt way behind everyone else

Then it was time to groom the horses 

And that was nice

It was around then that I realised that I wouldn't be riding that day 

I can't lie 

I was really disappointed 

But I figured this week was a trial week

So no riding for me 

We breaker for lunch for an hour 

And no one had told me that there are zero facilities to get something to eat and drink 

I had nothing 

So one of the girls very kindly shared her lunch with me

After lunch 

The others had their riding lesson 

And I did more grooming 

And learning about the tack and all the gear 

I have to admit 

It was pretty overwhelming 

There was so much information thrown at me 

It was mind boggling 

By the end of the day 

I felt physically and emotionally drained 

And unsure whether this was for me 

We finished up in the afternoon

And I asked our tutor Joanna if I could speak to her 

I was honest 

I told her I felt a bit overwhelmed 

And that I was recovering from an eating disorder 

And was still quite weak 

She was nice to me 

Told me not to compare myself to the others 

And to work at my own pace 

She also said that if at any to me I needed to take ten minutes for myself that was ok

She also told me to really think about if I want to do this course 

And what ever decision I came to was ok

I left the stables feeling very tired 

It was really hard work 

But the positive is that I got to spend time with so many beautiful animals

So that made it all worthwhile 

My day wasn't over yet though 

When I got back in to town 

I was walking over to get my bus 

When I saw a woman holding a bird 

And was trying to cut something off the bird 

Curious as ever 

I asked her what she was doing 

She showed me that the birds feet were all tangled in fishing line 

And there was a fish hook through its claw

She held the bird 

And asked me to pull the hook out 

As you may know 

It's not easy to get a fish hook out cleanly 

I tried to pull gently 

But the bird started to bleed

But I kept trying 

And finally managed to pull it out 

The woman said she was going to bring the bird to the vet 

So I left her to it 

Honestly 

How do I get myself in to these situations?

But hey 

I was glad I could help

Yesterday 

We were out in the stables again

But just for a half day 

I was slightly dreading the mucking out part

And I prepared myself for the fact that I probably wouldn't get to ride

Again 

We started in the classroom

Before heading to the stables 

This time 

Joanna kept a good eye on me 

And helped me with everything 

Which was good of her 

I mucked out and groomed a beautiful pony called Blue 

He was a real pet 

A gentle little thing 

Then Grainne came over and asked me if I had ridden before

I said I had done a little bit 

And explained about the equine assisted therarpy 

She told me to rack up Blue 

And that I could join the lesson

I was super excited!

And Joanne helped me tack up 

I led Blue in to the arena with the others 

They all looked so confident 

And I felt so nervous 

I mounted Blue 

And took myself to the back seat of the line 

The minute I was on his back 

I felt right at home 

Then it was straight in to riding trot 

No warm up or anything 

Blue was a joy to ride 

And really looked after me 

We did a few rounds of trot 

Then we did something called the jumping position 

Which I'm presuming is the position you take when jumping a fence 

I just had to learn quickly and copy the others 

I am so glad that I had the experience I had 

As I was really thrown in at the deep end

Then some of the others did a twenty metre circle 

Again 

I was glad that I knew what that was

And I was able to keep up 

Then some of the others did a canter 

One by one 

I was at the end 

So Grainne told me just to trot 

But Blue had other ideas 

And broke in to a canter 

What a buzz!!

I loved it!

And Grainne actually said 'Good Girl'

Which is praise indeed from her

I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson 

And it really made all the hard work worthwhile

All too soon 

The lesson was over

So I brought Blue in 

Untacked him

Groomed him

And out his rug back on

Then it was lunch time 

And we were finished for the day 

And the week

This morning it felt so good to wake up

And realise that I had no where to be 

And nothing to do

It was a tough week 

But I have to say 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And I think I am going to do it

It's funny 

When I was doing the horse therapy 

I literally used to turn up 

Ride Star 

And go home 

I had no clue about all the work that went in to looking after horse 

And boy are they a full time job

I'm so glad to have a few days off though

To recharge my batteries

And catch up on myself 

I am so lucky to have the support of my family though 

My Mam looks after the dogs during the day 

So I don't have to worry about them at all 

Right 

I'm off to make a cuppa 

And watch Masterchef 

Hope you enjoy your Saturday 

And see you on the next post....

Day 3 Horsemanship

Just a very quick post 

As I am on the bus on the way home

To let you know that I started my course on Monday

And so far it's going pretty well

The day is long enough

9 15am - 4 15pm

The first half of the week is spent in the classroom 

Doing modules like goals, communications and such

Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 

Learning everything about horses 

So I am excited for my first day tomorrow 

There are 14 in my class

Nice and small 

We are all at different stages 

But another girl started with me on Monday

The first question everyone asked me was had I horse riding experience 

I played down the riding I've done 

As I don't want to look a fool if it all goes wrong 

But I did say that I had been learning to canter 

Which if I'm honest 

I regret saying 

Most of the people in the class had very limited experience of horses

Apart from the other new girl 

Who used to work in a trekking centre 

So I'm thinking she knows her stuff

Monday was tough though 

I'm getting a bus in to town at 7 50am

So I'm up at 7am 

And it's pitch dark at that time 

Then finding my classroom

Meeting the other girls 

We have three breaks in the day 

Which is great as the day is broken up in to chunks 

But during the breaks on the first day 

I didn't know where everyone went 

So I spent my breaks alone 

Sad I know 

But yesterday the girls asked me to lunch so I gladly went 

And they are all lovely 

All animal mad like me 

So we have that in common from the get go

Today was good as we had a different teacher 

Who taught us all about the horses tack 

And the the anatomy of a horse 

So I enjoyed that 

I'm hoping that I might be able to get a later bus in to town 

As they seem pretty flexible about what time you show up at

In fact it's all very relaxed and informal 

I guess we are all adults 

So the onus is on us

Anyway 

I will update properly at the weekend 

Appologies for being AWOL

But it seems life is shooting forward at break neck speed

But I know there are things I need to iron out 

Like the fact I'm not eating during the school day 

And I'm finding it very difficult to manage meals at the breaks 

The thing is 

I know I won't last if I don't fuel my body 

And the next thing will be that I'll get ill or weak 

But look

These are all teething problems 

I'm sure it will all work out sooner or later 

A big thank you to all the lovely ladies keeping our community going 

You know who you are 

Alright that's me

See you on the next post...