Over to you....

I got a couple of emails this week

One from Lebanon

And one from Singapore 

Both from readers who decided to reach out

I can't tell you how much I love getting emails like this 

From readers

On the other side of the world 

Who read my words 

Relate 

Identify 

Who follow my story 

I know a small amount of you

Some I know really well

A core group of you who post regularly 

And read every day

But as I wrote yesterday

There are so many more of you that I don't know 

Those of you who read in silence 

Who don't comment or email 

So I am inviting you today

To reach out

To beak your silence 

Let me know who you are 

Where you are from 

What age you are

Maybe you are a young girl

Or maybe you are a mama yourself 

And are worried about your or your child's behaviour 

Maybe you are a new reader 

Or maybe you have followed me from the start 

Maybe you have an ED

Or some other mental illness

Maybe you are scared 

Alone 

At the end of your tether 

You might be holding on by your finger tips 

Or maybe you have already let go

And you are free falling

On the other hand 

Maybe you are in recovery

Or at least heading that way 

Maybe you are somewhere in between 

Wherever

And whoever you are 

I'd love to hear from you

Let me know who you are

What keeps you going?

What scares you?

What are your hopes and dreams?

What makes you tick?

I share so much of myself here on this blog

I would love to hear from some of you 

Comment

Email 

Text 

Smoke signal

Morse code 

Whatever the medium

Let me know who you are....

Statistics

I check my stats from time to time 

To remind myself that people do read

When I feel like I am shouting in to the abyss that is the internet 

And no one is hearing or reading

I also like to see where my traffic comes 

And what search words led people to my blog

My blog comes up on the first page of Google when you type in certain words to do with EDs and addiction

This is both exciting and scary

As you know

I don't write anonymously 

I'm honest about my struggle 

My face is out there for all and sundry to see 

And I don't hold back

I guess I don't know any other way to be Recently 

I've been wondering about my stats 

And how they compare to the average stats of a blogger

I get on average 

Between 400 and 1000 hits a day 

I don't know if that is a lot or a little

As I have nothing to compare it to 

Obviously I know some of you

But there seems to be hundreds of you that read and I don't know 

I'm interested to find out who you are 

I also like to check views from the top ten countries 

The U.S. and the UK come in first and second 

And then other countries like Russia And Norway and Malaysia also feature 

It still boggles my mind 

That people from all over the world read my blog

I'm hoping that it is a force for good

And helps readers in some small way

This blog is a huge part of my life 

It's more than a hobby at this stage 

I treat it more like a job

Albeit an unpaid one 

But still a job of a kind 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

How many hits a day does your blog get?

Do you check your stats much?

Do you write anonymously or not?

What are your reasons for this?

I'd love to know.....

Tuesday 12 January

January is a tough month

It's dark

It's cold

It's so very hard to get up of a morning

It's getting so cold that we are expecting snow 

Now I happen to love snow

But only if I don't have to go out in it

Lying in bed this morning

The wind howling

The rain pelting off the window 

It feels like the end of the world it's so noisy

Trying to get up out of a warm cosy bed is sheer torture

The dogs woke me up this morning

Lea began barking at about 8am

I always get up when I hear Lea

As she only ever barks when she has to pee

So I jumped out of bed 

Ran to the kitchen 

In to the utility room

Where Lea was waiting patiently at the back door 

I let her out 

And promptly ran back down to bed

Where I allowed myself another 15 glorious minutes 

So far 

In this post 

I am doing a sterling job at writing about anything other than how I am struggling at the moment 

I am struggling 

And it's nothing to do with the time of year

Or the cold 

Or the darkness 

I feel like I am dragging myself through life at the moment

My days are punctuated with eating and purging 

I can't say I am bingeing 

As the amounts of food I am eating are typical portions

But 

It's still too much 

Any amount is too much 

It has nothing to do with weight anymore 

I could be 5 stone or 50 stone

It doesn't matter anymore 

My head is well and truly wrecked 

I get up 

Walk the dogs 

Take my meds 

Blog

Zone in and out in front of the TV for a while 

All the while eating and purging 

And weighing a ridiculous amount too

My mood yo-Yoing as my weight fluctuates 

I spoke to my Mam last night

About the possibility of going back in to treatment 

I don't know if it's a knee jerk reaction

Or just an overwhelming need to do something about my situation

I am probably thinking prematurely 

I mean 

I have just started seeing Mary again

I should give that a chance first 

And anyway 

By my own admission

Treatment and that environment never really worked for me 

From home 

It's easy to slip in to the thinking 

That if I go to treatment

They will make me better 

But of course it's not like that 

You have to do the work 

You have to make you better 

And for me 

It seems that I do better from home

So that is plan A

I can think about treatment when and if I need to 

I think my psychiatrist is right though

My mood has dipped in to a depression

Death doesn't scare me

Life scares me more 

The last time I saw Breda 

She that I was 'too young and too talented' to sit at home wasting my life away

But the thing is 

And as I am getting older 

Anxiety about the smallest thing is swallowing me whole

My writers group started last night 

I couldn't even peel myself off the couch 

Never mind get out the front door

Now it's the next morning 

And I am so sorry that I didn't go 

I told myself that I need to focus on my health first 

And I do 

But I also need to break this pattern of anxiety 

And running away from life 

I am hoping that seeing Mary will help

And possibly an increase of my meds 

It was when I was put on Prozac almost two years ago that I was able to pull myself out of the binge purge cycle 

It really helped 

I Am now on 40mg

And the professionals talked about increasing it to 80mg

Which I am not opposed to 

Whatever works right?

I know sooner or later I am going to have to take a leap of faith where recovery is concerned

Either take a chance on living my life 

Or stay in my illness

Where yes 

It's safe 

It's comfortable 

But I know I am missing out on so so much

Friends 

Social events 

Education

Jobs 

Hobbies 

Boyfriends

Dating 

Travelling 

Life!

I am just so afraid 

And it's keeping me paralysed 

Stuck in this house 

This room

This illness 

And the older I get 

The harder it is to do all these things 

Before I know it

It's going to be too late 

Anyway 

I'm hoping with the help of the professionals 

I can turn this around 

And turn this relapse from a negative thing

In to a positive learning experience 

Even though it may seem like it

I'm not giving up

Not one little bit 

I'll fight until the bitter end 

Right now 

I am just tired 

I feel like part of me is crumbling under the weight of all this stress 

I am lucky though 

I have an amazingly strong family around 

Who are my back bone 

My Mum is endlessly patient 

And kind

When I get upset 

And feel like all is lost 

She is the one who dries my tears

And helps put the pieces of my life back together 

She always tells me with such conviction

That I will get better 

I will be all right 

She is so convincing 

That I can't help but believe her

So 

The plan is 

To engage with Mary, Breda, my doctor, my psychiatrist 

Eat little and often 

Purging as little as I can manage 

Take it easy 

Rest 

Spend time with my dogs and family 

Meet with good friends 

Don't beat myself up 

Don't be hard on myself 

Focus on the positive 

The good things in my life 

Build myself up physically And mentally 

Allow myself to eat the things I want to eat 

Listen to my body

And give it what it needs 

Don't isolate 

Surround myself with good and positive people 

Who will help me through this 

In short 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other 

And keep going 

As I always say 

Baby steps all the way

As baby steps add up to be great strides 

Party Trick

Everyone has a party trick

Something they can do

With their body or mind 

You might be double jointed 

Or be able to talk backwards 

For as long as I can remember 

My party trick has been mirror writing 

Writing with both hands 

One going forwards 

And the other backwards

I Am left handed 

But I do most other this like play tennis with my right hand 

So both hands are fairly strong 

I guess I am a bit ambidextrous

A useless talent

But interesting none the less

Some one told me once

That it means I am using both sides of my brain

Instead of just one side

Whether that's true or not I do not know 

Here is a little sample of mirror writing

I was wondering about you

Do you have a part trick?

Or something unusual that most people can't do? 

Which hand do you write with?

Can you write with both hands like me?

Answers on a post card please....

Sunday 10 January

Like a lot of things 

Blogger reflects life

Many many different communities 

All formed by the labels that have been given to us

Anorectic 

Bulimic

BPD

EDNOS

Anxiety 

Depression 

OCD

Trichotillimania 

Schizophrenic

Fashionista 

Lifestyle blogger

Make up 

Kids 

Pets 

Blogger has space for all of us

And our little corner of blogger

Is where we have all gathered

To support each other 

To get support 

To connect with others like us 

To identify 

To help each other get through the daily grind that is mental illness 

Even though it seems blogger has gone out of fashion

We still meet 

Every single day 

To read 

To write 

To not feel so alone 

It's an enormous part of our lives 

Blogger also reflects life

In that people come and go all the time 

In my life 

There has been a revolving door of people in and out for as long as I can remember 

Blogger is no different 

I guess I am thinking about this 

As I am coming up on 4 years blogging

And it's human to look back and reflect 

When I first started blogging 

Back in 2012 

There was a buzzing and thriving community

It was amazing to be part of this exciting movement 

Every day 

There was a large number of blogs to read 

It was both terrifying and thrilling to witness 

Sad that this community was needed

Yet so grateful to have the support 

I have met the most amazing people through my blog

And reading other blogs 

The best of friends 

Some of you have been there from the start 

Some of you are newer to blogger

But the amazing thing is

Everyone is welcome 

There is space 

And a place for us all

But of course 

Many have come and gone over the years 

Often with out reason or explanation 

The odd person might explain their reasons for leaving 

Maybe they are recovering 

And need to move on

Some feel the community is no longer healthy or helpful 

More often than not

They just vanish off the face of the blogosphere 

Never to be heard from again 

Two fellow bloggers who I befriended over the years 

And became very close to 

Have since left the blogosphere 

Deleted their blogs 

And don't reply to my messages anymore 

The first person in question 

Had been part of the ED blogging world for a time 

But had then 'recovered' And left

She still blogged 

But nothing to do with ED 

We were closer than close

We texted every day

She was a great support

But we disagreed over one fundamental issue 

She maintained that the ED community here on blogger was unhealthy 

She dismissed our comments on each other's blogs as sentimental drivel 

She urged me time and time again to leave 

Or at least branch out a little 

Not inspite of her honesty

I loved her because of her honesty 

As a lot of the time 

She made good points 

But alas 

We got in to a nasty argument 

And haven't spoken since 

I have since found out that she wasn't in recovery at all

She was severely underweight

And her life was crumbling around her ears 

I dont know how she is now 

I don't know if she is ok

If she's blogging 

If she's even alive 

I regret the argument we had 

We both said things we didn't mean 

I'd love to know how she is 

The other girl was a similar story 

We became very close 

Very quickly 

In constant contact

But again

We came to an impass 

And she fell of the face of the earth 

I still feel the loss of both friends 

There is a hole in my life that they once filled 

But that's life I guess

Not just life here on blogger 

People come and go

Nothing lasts forever

I have been thinking though 

Is this the reason that so many have left blogger?

Because they have found it to be unheAlthy? 

Is it unhealthy?

Are we deluding ourselves that what we have here is beneficial?

I worry about that 

I worry that we are enabling each other

Because of someone doesn't want to get well

We don't question that 

Of course that is supporting a choice someone makes 

But is it also supporting the illness?

I guess like everything in life

There are positives and negatives to blogging 

And there have been many times over the years

That I have weighed up blogging 

And whether it does more bad than good 

But I have always come to the conclusion

That the positive outweighs the negative 

My blog has saved my life many times 

The support and love and well wishes I have received had been overwhelming at times 

Blogging has helped me find a love of writing 

It has opened up many doors

With amazing people and experiences 

I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you think ED blogging is healthy or unhealthy?

Do you think the pros out weigh the cons?

What do you get out of blogging? 

How long have you been blogging?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Friday 8 January

Yesterday was tough

I broke down in tears on three separate occasions

Once with Mary

Again on the phone to my Dad

Then later on to Mam

It felt like everything I've worked for

Is crumbling underneath me

All the hard graft I've put in to my recovery

Gone in an instant 

My Dad wanted to come and see me

But he lives over an hour away

So that wouldn't be fair

My Mam is amazing as always

Telling me with such conviction

That I will get well

She said that she has every confidence that I will get through this

I wish I had her faith 

Because I fear for my own sanity

I really do 

There is only so much that the body and mind can take 

At the moment

Depression is clouding my judgement 

It sits on my mind like a dark cloud that constantly  rains 

I think Mary and the psych are right

I'm not getting the benefit of my meds

Because I am purging so much 

I need to get this under control 

I really can't go on like this 

I have too much to lose at this point 

I have a follow up hospital appointment today 

I'm not entirely sure what or why

But I guess it's good to get checked out

I got my blood test results too yesterday

My potassium is a little low

But nothing to be too concerned about

Just keep an eye on it for now 

One thing Mary talked about yesterday

Is occupation

And having something to do

Because I don't do very much at the moment 

I walk my dogs

I do house work

I read 

I watch TV 

I don't do a whole lot outside of the house

I think I need to expand my horizons

I want to check back With the dog shelter

Find out about the local writing group

Maybe start social dancing 

In case you are wondering what social dancing is 

I'm not entirely sure

But I know it involves people and dancing

And what's not to love about that?

I might even meet a nice farmer

I am a country girl now after all....

Look

The thing is 

I know what I need to do 

This is not my first rodeo 

I also want to go back to my support groups 

Even though I am convinced no one likes me there

But I'm at the point where I don't really care if people like me or not 

I need to go for myself 

And if I go to the meetings I feel

Comfortable at 

And as Breda says 

I don't need to speak if I don't want to 

I just need to be there 

Soak up the recovery 

And leave the rest

So 

The plan of action 

Is to keep my appointments 

With all the professionals 

Because I have been known to cancel appointments when I don't want to face my issues

Take it easy over the weekend 

Eat well

Rest 

Relax 

And then Monday 

Hit the ground running 

And find some interesting and worthwhile things to do 

I'm really interested in volunteering 

In any capacity really 

With animals for sure 

But also maybe the elderly 

The sick

People who are lonely 

I actually think I get on better with peoe who are older than me 

I feel more comfortable with them

And am more myself 

So that's something to look in to 

At the moment 

I am just one decision away from getting in to bed 

Pulling the covers over my head 

And forgetting about everything

I know I could easily fall apart at a moments notice 

But 

I guess at times like this 

You fake it till you make it 

Pretend until it becomes real

I'm a firm believer in that 

Also 

I know I say it a lot 

But thank you 

Thank you so much for reading 

For commenting, emailing and texting 

Your support has helped hold me together recently 

It means more than you will ever know

I just hope that I can do the same for you

Thursday 7 January

I'm just back from seeing Mary

Which was such a relief to see her 

I was early for my appointment

And had just sat down in the waiting room

When she popped her head around the corner 

We got straight down to business

And she asked how I am doing 

With my words in a jumble

Trying to make sense

I told her about struggling recently 

Losing weight

Losing my mind 

My mood dipping

My purging increased 

She said that in all likelihood 

My mood dropping 

And purging more are connected 

As if I'm purging more

Then I'm not getting the benefit of my meds 

It then becomes a viscous circle 

Of one feeding the other 

We talked about what I'm doing with my days 

Which is very little these days 

And I know that's a huge problem for me

I don't have anything to fill my days 

So inevitably 

I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble 

The devil makes work for idol hands and all that 

We talked about the support groups 

And how they help me when I go 

We made a list of things for me to do 

Before I see her next week

Which includes a meal plan

Shopping list 

Check out the local writing group

The Womens centre 

Volunteering 

And possibly part time work 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually feel motivated

To get back on track 

To realise my potential

As Mary said 

It's a big wide world out there 

And it's there for me to explore 

I had gone so low recently 

That everything seemed like an effort 

I spent my days at home

And if I did go out 

I was always anxious to get home 

Now that I've spoken to Mary

I feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to do

Sometimes that's all it takes

For someone else to gently guide you in the right direction

Everyone is always telling me that I have great potential 

And that's all very well

But what does that mean?

That I could do something wonderful

Possibly 

Maybe 

My confidence has taken a battering recently 

And I'm feeling quite raw emotionally

The thought of putting myself out there is very scary 

But I know 

If I could just take the first step

Then the rest will be easier 

Myself and Mary write down all my homework 

She wished me a happy new year

And gave me a big hug before I left 

Which was lovely 

I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks 

And you know what?

I think I can do it 

I think I can get back on track 

Living in the midst of an ED

Is nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying 

I'm not willing to live my life like that 

The last eight weeks

Of being back in ED mode

Have shown me that nothing has changed 

Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves 

Manipulative 

Conniving 

Sneaky 

I don't want to deal with that any more 

I have a life to live

Before I left 

Mary asked me about weighing

I told her I was weighing every day

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I needed to stop

And that she will weigh me once a week

I can't lie 

That's going to be tough 

Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worth

Now I need to find other ways to maintain it 

Other ways to feel good about myself

In short 

I need to carve out a life for myself 

A routine 

An occupation 

A reason to get up in the morning

Because right now

Apart from my dogs

It's difficult to find a reason to keep going 

Anyway

I've got to do this

I've just got to 

There is no other option anymore 

I hope I can do it

I think I can do it 

With my families help

The professionals help

And with your help 

I just might have a fighting chance 

The one thing I take out of these situations 

Is the learning 

Something I will improve on the next time 

I mean

I'm not asking for much 

I just want a simple life

A roof over my head 

Food in my fridge

Loved ones at my side 

Dogs at my feet 

A job I love 

And I think these things are achieve able 

I think they are within my grasp

So

It starts right now 

Having my dinner 

Keeping it down 

Doing my meal plan 

My shopping list 

That's half the battle 

Tomorrow 

I will start the hunt for things to do 

That's after my hospital appointment 

It's a brand new year 

A fresh start 

What better time to make a change 

I want this 

I need this 

Are you with me....?