New piercing

I've had a tough couple of days

Yesterday I felt extremely angry

Which is unusual for me

I had a go at everyone

And was provoking my family to have a fight with me

Then I got really emotional and teary

My Mum and my sister were really concerned and thought something had happened 

But there we nothing wrong

At least nothing I could identify

I just felt so out of control

It was really scary

Especially not being able to attribute it to anything

But this morning

It all became clear

I got my period 

Yes 

I was having PMP

Pre menstrual psychosis 

My Mum and sister said that I was being really irrational yesterday

Paranoid even 

It was horrible 

But 

Today I was super excited 

As today was the day that I got my new piercing 

My sister and I travelled to the studio

Which is about half an hour from my house 

I was a little bit nervous 

Anticipating the pain

I figured it would be more painful than my nose

So I was trying to prepare myself 

There was a new piercer in the shop

Her name was Lorraine 

And she was lovely 

Very professional

But with a lovely way about her 

We chatted about my options 

And decided on a vertical bar through my lip

Lorraine prepared her tools 

And I sat on my hands 

So I wouldn't yank her hands away if it got too painful

Thankfully 

It was all over very quickly 

But yes 

It was bloody sore 

I bled quite a bit too

And my lip swelled up nicely 

I looked in the mirror

And I have to admit 

It was a bit of a shock 

I wasn't expecting it to be so visible 

I thought the bar would be smaller 

But I do like 

My Mum and Dad are going to have a fit when they see it!

As I write this 

We are in the car on the way back

I keep checking my piercing 

Dabbing the blood away

I'll have to look after it carefully

And purging is out of the question altogether 

Anyway 

Enough with the words 

Here are the photos....

Wednesday - My favourite day of the week!

And why is that I hear you ask

Well

Wednesday is horse riding day

The day I look forward to all week long

My Dad is visiting for a couple of days 

And he wanted to see the equine centre

So he drove today

And my Mam and sister brought the dogs out

On the way 

We stopped at an ATM

So I could take out some money 

But no matter what amount I asked for

It kept saying 'Insifficient funds'

I immediately began to panic

My first thought was that my disability payment had been stopped for some reason

The social welfare office wasn't far away

But I decided to ring them instead

As I didn't want to be late for horse riding

I got through to a very helpful lady

Who informed me that there had been trouble with the banks 

And that the money should be in by tomorrow 

I was relieved that that's all it was

The last thing I need is for my disability to be cut 

So

We continued on 

And my Dad lent me the €15 for the lesson 

We arrived at 11 30am

Just in time 

I was on Star again

My bestie 

And today I was all on my own 

No one leading me 

Just me and Star

I loved it!

There was another horse in front of us 

And I think Star may have just been following him

But he did what I asked him to do

We trotted a lot

And generally had such great fun

The woman who does it with us said that I am flying it 

Which is nice to hear

I go feel very comfortable on the horse 

I'm not scared

I'm not afraid of falling 

And I can't wait until I start to canter 

And maybe do some little jumps

I can see how it helps with confidence 

As I already feel more comfortable on Star

And I hope he is at ease with me riding him

There are a few people around when we are riding 

And they are lovely 

I'm quiet 

It's obvious my confidence is low 

But I do my best to join in the chat 

It doesn't come naturally to me 

I'm sure it will get easier 

And I won't feel so crippled with anxiety

As ever 

The session was over far too quickly 

I paid 

And we headed off

We stopped off at the pet store on the way back

And picked up some doggy supplies 

Food and chewys 

Then hit the road for home

I'm always really tired after the horse riding 

But it's a nice tiredness

And my ass kills 

But again 

It's a nice pain

A pain where you know you've worked hard 

This really has the potential to be a life changer for me 

It's only my third week

And already I feel massive benefits 

It's better than any pill or potion

Now 

If I could just convince my Mam to get a horse.....

AA

I'm just back from the local lunch time AA meeting

I'm actually really blessed where I live

Because it's a great base to get to a lot of different meetings

I love the lunch time ones

As waiting for the evening ones can make for a very long day

And the day time ones are a great way to kick off the day

I have to be honest though

More often than not

I am looking for excuses not to go

And don't really look forward to them 

But 

When I do go

I am reminded why I need meetings 

I never regret going to a meeting 

And always feel really good afterwards

My first meeting ever 

Was in a detox ward when I was 19

I can still remember the warm and fuzzy feeling I had after the meeting 

That was 15 years ago

And since then I've been in and out of meetings more often than I care to remember 

I seem to stick to the following pattern 

I go to meetings 

I'm really enthusiastic and motivated 

I go to many in a week

And feel really good 

Then I start to pull away

To isolate 

And soon I have talked myself out of going to meetings at all 

So I go through months or years of not going 

Then I find my way back 

And the whole cycle starts again 

They say if you don't get AA

Eventually it will get you 

I also go to NA

So really I gave my pick of meetings 

The last time I was going to meetings 

I depended on one person

If they were going to a meeting 

I would go

And if they weren't going 

I wouldn't either 

I've learned it's not healthy to depend solely on one person

It's better to have many people 

Friends 

A mixture of people 

And before 

I went to meetings for the wrong reasons 

I went to please others 

To get them off my back

Now 

I go because I want to go

Because I want to be clean and sober 

Because I want to be a better person m

And I want to stop hurting myself And others 

There is something very special about meetings 

Maybe it's the way people come together with a common goal 

Maybe it's the miracle that so many people have managed to stay clean and sober 

Maybe it's the energy of people wanting to recover 

Whatever it is 

It works 

And I need to stop fighting it

Stop digging my heels in 

And go with the process 

Easier said than done 

So yes 

I went to the lunch time meeting today

I didn't want to go

But my Mum offered to drive 

So I went 

The meeting is small but lovely 

I spoke last 

After the meeting 

A man came up to me 

And told me that I was doing great 

He told me to keep coming back 

And more will be revealed 

It was very nice of him

And he told me that before I know it

I will be helping others

I left the meeting on a high

High on life 

High on recovery 

Better than any drink or drug

What I took from today

Is that we need each other 

It's so important to connect with other people 

Especially those who are in the same position as we are

It's also important to have face to face connect 

Supporting each other through blogging is fantastic 

There is no doubt about that 

But we really need human contact too

We need to have a hug 

Have a chat over a cuppa 

And just be there for one another 

The world can be put to right over a cup of hot tea and a slice of cake 

Now 

The next time I don't want to go to a meeting 

I need to remember how good I am feeling right now 

And keep the momentum going 

I am feeling so grateful today 

Grateful to have AA in my life 

And to have friends within it

I'm grateful to be clean and sober

That my family are well

And in a good place 

I feel blessed to have this blog

And all of you my wonderful fellow bloggers

Life is good 

Life is sweet 

Let's live it to the best of our ability 

'Tell me why I don't like Mondays'

I can't quite believe how quickly the weeks are flying in

Monday seems to come around so very quickly

The days can be long 

But they don't be long adding up

As usual

I was in the doctors first thing this morning

Today

Topics included

The Oscars

Making films 

Horses and how my doctor is afraid of them 

Last week 

It being EDAW

I told my doctor that I would bring him in something to read 

The something being the piece I wrote for the ED convention back in 2013

So I gave him said piece 

And told him it was something to read on his coffee break

He seemed excited to read it 

I don't know why I haven't given it to him before now 

I guess that piece is precious to me 

And my doctor being an avid reader 

I was worried about what he would think of it and my writing 

I haven't let many people read it

I mean yes

I read it out at the convention

And I have it up in my blog 

But they are strangers 

Letting people I know read it is another matter 

But anyway 

He has it now 

I'll be interested to see what he makes of it

From a medical point of view 

And from a literary point of view 

He took it from me 

And placed it beside his computer

As I left 

It was all I could do not to reach across him and snatch it back

And run out of the room

But 

I think it might give him an insight in to the mind of a person with an ED

I mean of course he knows the medical side of things 

And I guess that's his job 

The head and mind stuff is up to the psych team 

Anyway 

He has it now 

It will be I interesting to see what he makes of it next week

After my weekly dose of doctor 

I headed up to the pharmacy 

Handed over my script 

Then decided to head over to the bank to see how little money I have for the week

I checked my balance 

Which was just enough to see me through the next few days 

Then began walking back to the pharmacy 

It was a bitterly cold morning 

With a sharp wind

I pulled my coat around me 

And took my gloves out of my pocket 

As I fought the wind 

And tried to put my gloves on 

I managed to drop one 

And it being a windy day

It took off down the street

I had no choice but to run after it

Every time I got close to it

It was whipped out of my grasp by the wind 

It was a wild goose chase

There I was sprinting down the street after my wayward glove

I got quite a few funny looks

Eventually 

I made a huge leap

Like an Olympic long jumper

And landed on the glove 

Feeling very pleased with myself that I had managed to catch it

In other news

I am getting my next piercing done on Friday 

My sister is going to come with me

And I am super excited!

I am think that getting my labret pierced is going to be much more painful than my nose 

But I am ready for it 

And anyway

The pain only lasts a second 

So I will pull up my big girl pants 

And suck it up

But I am really looking forward to getting it done

It's like buying a new item of clothing 

Something to make me feel good about myself 

My poor Mother is horrified at the prospect of another piercing 

She pleads with me not to get it done 

I tell her she will get used to it 

Just like my nose 

She said that she tolerates my nose ring at best 

Like a typical mother 

She says to me 

'You're going to ruin your beautiful face'

But I feel it will enhance my face 

And make for an interesting feature to my face 

Like a feature wall in a living room

Or something to that effect

I am becoming increasingly worried about my teeth 

As you know 

I had a lot of very labour intensive and expensive work done on my teeth last year 

And because my purging has increased again in recent months 

I fear my teeth may fall in to ruin

Just like my real teeth did

Every time I purge 

I promise myself that this will be the last time 

But it never is 

I continue to purge 

To put my body under huge stress

And my teeth being washed with stomach acid 

Every time I throw up

It's a worry

And a huge incentive to stop purging

But like any addiction

It's nigh on impossible to stop

I need to do it though 

Before it damn well kills me 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

If you have experienced bulimia

What helped you to stop purging?

How did you stop?

And how did you stay stopped?

Any tips or advice much appreciated....

Storm in a C cup and other stories.....

Remember back when I got my chest measured properly in a proper bra shop?

My first time ever to be correctly measured

And Remember I was told I was a 34 DD?

And I could barely believe it

Remember how I bought two very grown up proper bras?

And I was quite proud of my assets

Well

Said bras no longer fit me 

Which makes me sad

Why is it 

That when ever I lose weight

I lose if from the areas that need it most 

My boobs

My bum 

And always lose it from places that I don't want to

Like my face 

Id say I am now a 32 C 

Going by how the bras fit 

I've also been going through my wardrobe

And trying on clothes to see what fits 

And what doesn't

I have so many lovely items 

That are now way too big for me

And that is a damn shame 

As well as an incentive to gain a little 

My weight has stayed static for the last month 

I've neither lost nor gained 

And my BMI hovers around the same number 

But the truth is 

I can afford to gain a few kilos 

And still be pretty slim 

Weight loss just isn't important at the moment 

I rang my local piercing studio today

To inquire about getting my labret done 

The piercer is only there on a Friday 

So I'm going to go for it 

I think it's time 

Time for another piercing 

I love my nose ring 

I think it adds something interesting to my face 

My Mum hates it

And is pleading with me not to get another one 

But it's falling on deaf ears 

I just really want to get it done 

I also inquired about getting wings tattooed on my shoulder blades

The girl I spoke to estimated it would cost around €300

So I won't be getting that done any time soon

But 

It's something to think about 

And to look forward to

For me 

Recovery is finding healthy ways to meet the needs that drugs met

Relaxation

Confidence 

Self esteem 

Fun 

Escapism 

All the things that drugs provide 

For a while at least

So I guess my meetings 

Horse riding 

Writing 

And my dogs 

All fulfil these needs 

And even better than drugs and alcohol and my ED did

And of course 

The fun thing is

That I can find more and more activities to make me feel content and happy

I can try new things 

Learn new things 

Meet new people 

The possibilities are endless!

Recovery means freedom

Free from the chains that my ED and addiction held me in

It means feeling free to eat 

To enjoy it

And to keep it down 

Recovery means eating until I am full

Not over or under eating

It means allowing myself to eat a rich and varied diet 

And not feel guilty 

Recovery means allowing my body to find its own natural set point 

And not constantly trying to lose weight and be smaller 

Recovery means peace of mind 

Contentment 

Serenity

It means I am enough 

Just the way I am

Not looking for others approval 

It means knowing that I am a good person

And I am doing the best that I can

Recovery means really living life 

Laughing until you cry 

Late nights watching movies with my mum and sister 

It means eating food At the table 

And having a conversation 

Recovery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway 

And knowing that I will feel great afterwards 

It means being happy in my own company 

But being sociable when I want to 

It means helping others through my story and my writing 

It means passing on recovery to others 

And sharing what helps 

And what works 

Recovery means asking for help when we need it

Talking it out over a cuppa and a slice of cake

It means feeling good enough

And not lesser or better than anyone else 

It means finding things that you love 

Work 

Hobbies 

Pets 

Whatever that may be 

Recovery means choosing to live

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

What does recovery mean to you?

Are you in recovery?

Is it everything you thought it would be?

What are the best and worst parts about recovery

Answers on a postcard please.....

'We never go out of style'

When it comes to clothes and shoes and accessories 

I like to think that I have my own little style going on

As you know

I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl 

I am partial to a little skirt or dress from time to time 

 But most of the time 

I wear whatever feels right for that day

Comfort is the number one thing for me 

If I'm not comfortable in an item

I won't wear it

But these days 

It's a lot easier to be true to your own style and be comfortable 

I remember growing up in my teenage years 

Trying to find out what I was all about 

Who I was 

And how I fit in to the world amongst my peers 

I tried all sorts of styles 

Urban hippy 

Gothic

Preppy 

But I never felt comfortable in any of them

Then of course came the drug years 

So clothes were not on my radar at all 

It was only when I got clean

That I began to express an interest in clothes and how I looked 

For the first time in my life

I began to care about how I presented myself to the world 

What sort of message I was conveying through my clothes and appearance 

I discovered that I liked the surfer look

Cool hoodies 

Boyfriend jeans 

And different types of trainers 

Even though I have never in my life even touched a surf board 

I still love the style 

It's laid back 

Colourful 

And above all

Comfortable 

Foot wear is the same too

Comfort is paramount 

I a size 5 

Pretty average for my height 

I tend to wear mostly flats 

And only wear heels on a special occasion 

I love trainers 

Roxy being my favourite 

I also love Toms 

Which are little canvas slipons 

Great for the dry warm weather of summer 

I also love New Balance trainers 

Which are very popular at the moment 

The nearest good shopping town  to me is a couple of hours away

Our town has really sufferered as a result of the recession 

So many shops have closed down 

In some parts 

It's like a ghost town

So

Most of the time 

I do my shopping online 

As it's just so handy 

These days I can't afford many new clothes 

But I'm always on the look out for a good bargain

I'm not really a jewellery person 

But I do like silver 

And have a beautiful cameo pendant that my Dad gave me for my birthday one year

I used to wear a ring on every finger

Now I don't wear any 

Not even a watch 

I just don't like the feel of it

And I inevitably end up losing it also

I am not really in to perfume either 

I mean I like a nice scent 

But it's not something I would ever buy for myself 

I do like a pretty scarf 

But in regard to make up

I am hopeless with it

I don't wear it very often 

Mans when I do 

It is often applied badly 

It's something that I would love to learn more about 

To be able to make the most of my face 

Some people are great at that 

I however, am somewhat handicapped in that area

Hair 

I am hating my hair at the moment 

I am thinking about dyeing it a nice chestnut brown 

Or else going for a really cropped blonde look

I just feel like something different 

A change 

To shake things up a bit

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Are you a dedicated follower of fashion?

How would you describe your style?

What are your go to outfits?

What else do you do to enhance your appearance?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Star

I'm just on my way home from my second horse riding lesson

I've been looking forward to it all week

My Mum drove today

The morning was frosty 

So we had to take a bit of a detour to get to the stables

The lesson was at 11 30am

So we left out house at 10 15am

And arrived just in time 

I was in with a group this week 

As opposed to last week

When it was a one on one session

Before we got saddled up

My Mum and I took a little walk around 

There was a beautiful miniature horse

I completely forgot to take a photo of him 

But he was just adorable 

Then it was my turn 

I was riding Star again today 

He is fast becoming my bestie

This week we mostly trotted 

And I was let go on my own 

I felt more confident this week 

It is just so enjoyable 

And there is a lovely atmosphere there 

People come 

And leave their troubles at the door

Have the craic

And forget about real life for a while 

I was a bit quieter today 

I always am around new people 

But I tried my best to be sociable and pleasant 

I'm hoping as I do more sessions 

That my confidence will grow 

Both around people 

And around the horses

Having something to look forward to 

Makes a huge difference to my whole world 

With out something you enjoy

What is the point of life?

And we make a day of it on a Wednesday 

After horse riding 

We go in to town

And go for something to eat 

Or do some shopping 

As I was leaving the stables today

Ailish, the lady in charge 

Said that if I ever want to hang around for a couple of hours

I can help them around the stables

I was delighted to hear this 

As it's something I would just love to do

Spending time with horses?

I don't need to be asked twice 

And now the weather is improving a bit 

It makes it a lot easier 

That's another thing to look forward to

It seems like things are beginning to fall in to place for me

I can remember as recently as Christmas feeling so very lost

I just didn't know where I was going 

Or what I was doing 

I remember my Mum saying to me one day 

That I looked like a lost soul

They was exactly the way I felt 

But now 

Now things are starting to turn around for me

Slowly but surely

As usual 

My bulimia is holding me back 

If I could just get the purging under control

I might have a fighting chance

I feel like I have a lot to live for now 

I'm building my own little life 

Doing my own little thing 

I used to always wait for people to suggest things 

Like going swimming 

Or going in to town 

I didn't have the confidence to do my own thing 

As I didn't think it counted if I suggested it 

I didn't think my opinion it thoughts mattered 

I guess being the youngest of four

I have always just fallen in with my older siblings 

And did what they did 

Now that I am fully grown adult 

The habits of a life time are hard to change 

I still tend to follow their lead 

But more and more 

I am finding my own occupation

My own hobbies and interests 

My own life 

Breda often speaks to me about self care 

You know 

Doing things for yourself 

To mind yourself 

To care for yourself 

Things you enjoy 

I am just starting to see how important that is now

Because now I have my own little thing going on

I have the horse riding 

My upcoming job

And meetings 

The last time I went to meetings 

I kind of depended on one person

If they were going to the meeting 

I would go 

But if they weren't 

I wouldn't go either

This time I'm trying to mix with many people 

So I'm not tied to the one person

And it feels so much better not to be dependent on anyone 

I go to my meetings 

I talk to everyone 

I go out of my way to speak to people who I usually wouldn't meet 

I suggest other meetings to go to

Next Monday

Myself and two of the ladies are going to a lunch time meeting up north

So I'm looking forward to that too

As I type this 

I am sitting in a car park outside a supermarket 

Waiting for my Mum who has gone to the bank

I feel content 

Satisfied 

I feel like I did something really good for myself today 

Something I enjoyed 

And is food for the soul 

I feel happy that I got out of the house 

That I got up early

Walked the dogs 

Got dressed

And headed to the equestrian centre 

Now I am heading home 

And I feel a warm glow inside

And that my friends

Is priceless...