The calm before the storm....

I have yesterday 

Today 

And tomorrow off work 

So far 

Work has been busy 

But manageable 

This Friday 

We are going to have 60 guests 

Many of whom are small children 

A full house 

So it's going to be mental to say the least

My new hours are now kicking in

So from this weekend 

My hours will be as follows 

4pm - 8pm Friday

8am-12pm Saturday

12pm-8pm Sunday

And 4pm - 8pm Wednesday 

This suits me fine 

About 20 hours a week 

And mostly weekends 

So I can fit all my other things around it

My only complaint is that myself and Sinead are not working together at all

We have become friends very quickly 

And text each other when we're not working 

Even though she is only 19

She is smart 

With a lot of common sense 

We get along great 

She texted me yesterday 

To let me know that a group of ladies who were staying with us 

Left a card with €125 in it for the staff

How lovely is that?

It just goes to show 

That people do appreciate your hard work 

That money will go towards a night out for the staff

And just the thought alone is so nice 

I really feel appreciated in work 

Which is such a good feeling 

Because often people don't give positive feedback 

So to get it is amazing 

And makes all my effort and hard work worth it 

Today being Wednesday 

I had horse riding this morning 

The centre is an hours drive from my house 

And today was the first day that I drove it myself 

My Mam came with me 

But I drove the whole way 

It's great to build up my confidence 

So hopefully when I pass my test 

Myself and Fintan can take turns driving 

But bloody hell 

There are some lunatics on the road 

Today 

I saw a man drive through a roundabout 

And another guy over took me on the left hand side 

My nerves were shot!

But I'm glad I did it 

I'm sure it will get easier and easier ea h time 

In other news 

I was in the supermarket with my Mam this week 

They were selling talking scales 

Holy shit 

I can't think of anything worse!

But I had a weak moment 

And put the scale in our trolley 

My Mam said nothing and just gave me a look

I was having a fight in my head 

About whether to buy it or not 

But in the end 

I put it back 

It was a moment of weakness 

And i came to my senses 

And I'm so glad I did 

Nothing wrecks my head more than weighing myself 

No good can come of it

I asked Eilish at riding today 

If it would be possible for me to do two lessons in a Wednesday 

Rather than one 

Just because I travel so far 

And having two lessons would make it more worthwhile 

Age said that it might be too much for me 

But she would think about it 

And maybe bring me out for a half day every week

That would be so brilliant If it worked out 

I just love being out there 

With the people 

Who have shown me what a true friend looks like 

The horses especially Star 

Who has gently coached me from my first lesson back in March 

There is no doubt about it 

Riding has been 

And continues to be a life line

Having made new friends 

At riding 

At work 

I now see that there are some people in my life who I would be better off without 

People who suck the life out of me 

And don't have my best interests at heart 

I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 

I will not put up with people using me

Passive aggressively bullying me

Picking me up and putting me down when they feel like it 

No

I will not be a door mat any more 

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever had to cut people out of your life?

Was it difficult?

And was it worth it?

Do you feel better off without them?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Appreciation

Even though it's Monday

I am finished work for the week

As I mainly work weekends 

And am not back in until Friday

The centre is busy these days 

About 35 guests in all

It doesn't sound like a lot 

And the capacity is 60

But there is still a lot of stuff to be done 

A guest usually stays full board 

So they get their room

A continental breakfast 

Including porridge, cereal and toast

The at 1pm

They get a three course lunch 

Of soup

Mains 

And dessert 

Then a hot tea at 6pm

It's down to me to get the dining room ready for each sitting 

And clean up afterwards 

Which includes doing all the dishes 

And there are a hell of a lot of dishes 

Then clean the dining room

And reset for the next meal

This week 

There was a group of 25 ladies all together 

Two couples 

And a single man 

It takes a while to get to know everyone

And some people you'll see more than others 

They all watched the Ireland match yesterday 

And we opened the bar for them 

I've never worked behind a bar before 

And I really liked it 

It was good to do something different 

And get out of the kitchen for a while

I mostly work with a girl called Sinead 

She is lovely 

And we get in great 

She is 19

But a very mature and savvy 19

Now we have got in to a good system of the way we work 

We are like a tag team 

We do everything together 

And have the craic too

Yesterday was a great day in work 

Myself and Sinead were doing the dining room after lunch 

When one of the ladies came in 

I saw her hand Sinead something 

That I thought was a five euro note 

Sinead wouldn't take it 

And either would I

But the guest insisted 

And told us to keep it for our selves 

Eventually we took the money 

Reluctantly 

And when I looked at it

I saw it was a €20 note 

I was shocked 

We both gave her a big hug 

And she thanked us for helping make their holiday 

How nice was that?

That's a big tip to me 

And means I have a little extra to get through the week 

Then after that 

I was in the office with my manager Georgina 

Trying to sort out my tax 

I was just heading out the door 

When she called be back and told me that I am doing a great job

She said that I am hard working 

Not afraid to muck in 

And that I ooze warmth and compassion 

I was blown away by this 

It was so lovely to hear

And in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear 

As I doubt myself so much 

And have regular crisis of confidence 

But they affirmation just made my day

I told Georgina that I thought the job was doing me the world of good 

And that I could feel my confidence getting better every day

She said she had noticed it too 

Then I got some more good news 

Like my day couldn't get any better 

Georgina told me that she's going to keep me on in September 

How awesome is that?

It's totally awesome!!

After that 

My shift was nearly over 

And all our work was done 

So I sat out the front and chatted to some of the guests 

There was one man called Gerry 

He told me that I am a very special person 

And gave me a big hug when I was leaving 

I left work on cloud nine 

With a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy 

For the first time since I started work 

I really feel appreciated 

It's one thing getting paid for the work 

And of course that is why we do it 

But hearing the words of appreciation is just the cherry on the cake for me 

It makes it all worth while 

You know I just go about my business in work 

I'm friendly 

Chat with the guests 

And am always willing to do any thing to help out with them

Myself and Sinead are similar 

In that we both want to make their holiday a special one 

And will do anything we can to do that 

Because these are vulnerable people 

Who might not ordinarily get a holiday 

And that just makes me want to do more to make their stay a great one 

So yes 

Today was a good day 

The only thing I have to watch is my food 

I tend to be on the go for long periods of time 

And I can forget to eat 

But I feel so shit when I don't eat 

So I try and have something 

A small dinner 

Or a sandwich 

Something just to keep me going 

I need to remember that I am doing so much running around at work 

That I probably need to eat that but more 

Just to keep my energy up 

Anyway 

That's ok 

I'll figure it out 

Ok 

That's me for today 

I'm off to have a wee rest 

And a cuppa 

See you on the next post.....

Today.....

Today 

I am grateful for my health 

That despite the hell I have put my body through over the years

It has survived this far 

Relatively unscathed 

Today 

I am grateful for my family 

Even though we have been at logger heads over the years 

We still managed to get through it

And come out stronger than ever

Today 

I am grateful for my beautiful pups

Honey and Lea 

Who have been at my side for the past eleven years 

Always there 

So loving 

So full of joy 

They have saved my sanity countless times 

Today 

I am grateful for my job

It means so much to me 

That someone would take a chance on me and hire me

It feels amazing to be earning my own money 

It's doing wonders for my confidence and  self esteem 

Today 

I am grateful to you 

My blogger family 

Who have been there for me through out the last four years 

You have been there when I couldn't face real life 

And you became close friends and confidants 

Today 

I am grateful for my horse therapy 

I can recommend it enough 

I'm also so grateful for the friends I have made through riding 

It just goes to show 

If I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone 

And try new things 

The pay off is huge 

Today 

I am grateful for my mental and physical health 

I leave work every day feeling so blessed that I have all my facilities in tact 

No everyone is so lucky 

Today 

I am grateful to clean and sober 

And ED free 

Or at least as free as I can be 

Removing drink and drugs from my life was the first step 

Then I had to learn how to live clean and sober 

Find new and healthy ways of coping 

Today I feel incredibly grateful

That I live in a country 

Where I am free to do and say as I please 

I live in a first world country

Where clean water 

And first class medical care is the norm 

Really and truly

I have so much to be grateful for 

I have everything I could possibly need or want 

And even though I've fought some tough battles over the years 

I wouldn't change one little thing 

What are you grateful for today?

Doctor

As I wrote in my last post 

I did a really silly thing yesterday 

And accidentally took two days methadone 

Instead of one 

It was a genuine mistake 

I had just come in from work 

Was very tired 

And just didn't think 

I then panicked 

As I realised that I was now one day short 

I am not working until 5pm today

And I had no appointment with my doctor 

And knew I wouldn't get one 

So I decided to head to the surgery first thing this morning 

And bypassed the receptionist 

And went and sat outside my doctors room 

I know that's a bit cheeky 

But it was a special circumstance 

He came in with his first patient 

And have me a nod when he saw me 

When the patient came out 

He called me in 

I apologised for ambushing him first thing on a Monday morning 

And explained it was a bit of an emergency 

I told him what I had done 

And thankfully he understood 

And write me out a new script straight away 

This has never happened me before 

And I was so glad that he saw me 

And believed me 

As I'm sure it could have looked like I was just looking for me meds 

I was very grateful though 

They he saw me 

And gave me the script with no questions 

I thanked him for seeing me 

And went in my way 

I guess I am very lucky 

That I have a great relationship with my doctor 

And he will see me at a moments notice 

I know that it is not typical that a doctor will do that 

But 

I have been seeing him every week for over ten years 

And I don't cause any trouble 

Yes 

I can be awkward when it comes to reducing meds 

But I am always honest with my doctor 

And I don't take the piss at all

I'm incredibly grateful to have an understanding and empathetic doctor

Not every one does 

In other news 

I have had a lot of very interesting and insightful comments on my blog over the last few days 

It seems like the direction of my blog is changing 

And so are my readers and comments 

After my last post about horse riding 

And the instructor 

Someone left a very interesting comment 

I think it was Shelby if I remember correctly 

She wrote about how people outside of family, therapists, nurses and doctors 

Can be opinionated 

Bossy 

Rude even 

But that's life for you 

I think it's a very interesting point 

Thus far 

The people I have encountered 

Are mostly family of course 

My doctor 

My psychiatrist

My counsellors 

Staff in treatment centres 

People who care 

And are very kind and gentle 

Now I am out in the big bad world 

Working 

And putting myself out there a lot more 

So of course I am meeting a wide variety of people 

And not everyone is as tuned in to me as say my family 

And that's perfectly fine 

I don't tell everyone I meet about my issues 

That wouldn't be right 

So people can be assholes 

That's life

Thankfully 

The people I've encountered so far 

Have been amazingly friendly and kind 

Especially at work 

My co workers are so lovely 

Always willing to help out 

And good craic too

But of course I have met some people who aren't so nice 

Not so much in work 

But in every day life 

And that's fine 

It's unrealistic to presume that we will get on with everyone 

Not everyone will get on

And not everyone will like us 

That's just the way it is 

So yes 

My life is a hell of a lot more interesting  now 

I am making new friends 

My confidence is growing a little bit every day 

And it feels so good to have s purpose 

A reason to get up in the morning 

To have my own money 

That I earned and worked hard for 

It's such a satisfying feeling 

And also having a pay cheque every week is a bonus 

Actually having a bit extra money is amazing 

I don't have to scrimp and save

And I can treat  myself now and again 

So all in all 

Life is good 

My life is full 

With work 

With my hobbies 

Horse riding 

Writing 

My dogs 

I feel good 

Fulfilled 

Content 

Happy even 

Long may it last.....

Lady

I went horse riding again today

At the stables near my house

Today I was on Lady

Who is in fact Rayons mother

Rayon you might remember from last week who was like a bolt of lightening he was so fast

I was in a class of four today

With Lisa 

Who you might also remember from last week 

Who is the ex show jumper 

Chloe who actually works at the stables 

And another kid whose name I didn't get

Right from the start 

I felt way out of my depth

All these girls had been riding for years 

And here I was with less than four months experience 

Trying my best to keep up

Roisin was out instructor again today 

This lesson feels a lot different from the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday 

I feel a lot more pressure at these lessons 

To perfect things 

And to get things right 

Horse therapy is so much more gentle and relaxed 

Of course we try and do things right there too

But these lessons are definitely proper lessons 

So yea 

I did feel like I was trying to keep up today 

I'm really trying to work on my canter 

Roisin tells me I am bouncing rather than sitting in 

At one point she said everyone was sitting in except for me 

That didn't help my confidence much 

But then again 

At another point she said I was doing well for a beginner

I would love to ask Roisin if it is worth my while keeping it up 

I mean shit

I know I'm never going to be a champion horse rider 

But it would like to know if I am making progress 

As I am trying really hard 

And it's always nice to get some positive feedback 

I forgot to ask Roisin today 

But I will definitely ask her next week

I just want to know that all my hard work is not in vain 

And I am at least improving A little 

I came home feeling a bit deflated after the lesson 

And did something incredibly stupid 

I was measuring out my methadone 

Thinking I only had today's and tomorrow left 

And accidentally took two days instead of one

Which leaves me with no methadone for Monday 

How stupid of me 

Now I'm going to have to get to the doctor on Monday

Which is a right pain 

But I can't go without it 

It had to be done 

So needless to say 

I am not having a good day so far 

Roisin tells me that cantering should be easier 

But I feel like I am bouncing quite a lot m

I try to sit in

And do the things that Roisin shouts at me 

But I just felt like a total numpty today 

In comparison with the others 

I had a chat with my Mam when I came home 

She thinks I put too much pressure on myself 

She is not wrong 

I am very hard on myself 

And I want everything done yesterday 

I have to remember to pace myself 

To allow myself time to learn and improve 

I mean I do love it 

But I probably  enjoy horse therapy more 

I know some of you have experience with horses 

Don't was wondering if you had any advice 

For someone whose confidence is at an all time low 

I want to ask for feedback from the instructors 

But part of me is afraid they are going to say that I should probably not give up my day job

I don't know 

I guess I am just having a rough day 

Below are some photos from today 

I keep forgetting to get a photo when I'm on the horse 

The first ones are of me and the beautiful Lady 

The last couple are of myself and Lady

And Lisa and Rayon

Also 

Any tips and advice on riding are very much appreciated 

A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 

I became slightly paranoid

I worried what people would think about the way I look

Would they think I was chunky?

Too big?

With big boobs and big hips

I wasn't happy with the photos 

But then I never am 

So I posted them anyway 

As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 

I have no earthly clue what I weigh

And haven't weighed in a couple of months 

I do get curious from time to time 

But I really do think I am better off not knowing 

Ignorance is bliss and all that 

The last time I weighed I was X kilos

Putting me at a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that 

That is healthy 

I don't try to control my weight anymore 

I don't watch what I eat

I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 

I allow myself sweets and treats 

I believe everything in moderation

Including moderation

As for my weight 

Well

I guess I am going by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

Or what I weigh

And I do feel good 

I do feel healthy

And my clothes still fit perfectly 

So I am happy enough with that 

I can't lie though 

Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 

And I plan to buy a set of scales 

But 

I soon come to my senses 

And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 

I am so used to bring small and weak

But at the moment I am strong and fit 

Horse riding is helping me tone up

And I feel curvy and shapely 

My body image varies from day to day 

Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 

Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 

Some days all I see are rolls of fat 

But I also have good days 

When I appreciate my hour glass figure 

When I can see how womanly my curves are 

When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 

I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 

I no longer wish I was underweight 

Not only is it not a good look

It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

So 

I will continue not to weigh 

As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 

But I thought that last year 

And ended up losing 12 kilos 

And relapsing quite spectacularly 

I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery

I know I've never been able to do that 

Because I don't know when to stop

It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 

And before you know it 

Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread

And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper

You know what?

I don't want to be pin thin

I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill

And more than that 

I don't want to be they way 

You know what happens when you are severely underweight?

People pity you 

And feel sorry for you 

I used to welcome that pity 

But not anymore 

No way 

I don't want pity or sympathy 

I don't want people to feel sorry for me

Yes I want to be liked 

But not at the expense of my health 

Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 

I have enough people in my life who like and love me 

More than enough 

I am well at the moment 

The best I've been in a very long time 

So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 

While trying to let go of those that hold me back 

It's a balancing act 

But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 

I know I am blessed 

Yes 

I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 

But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 

I'm growing up 

I'm thriving right now 

Work is bringing out the best in me 

And I'm just so happy to be living my life 

And growing and blossoming as a person 

As woman 

As a daughter 

A friend 

A sister 

An auntie 

A horse rider 

A doggy mama 

A worker 

I am truly so much more than my illness 

I know that now 

My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 

How awesome is that......?

Tuesday

I've been working for the last few days 

And today I am free

As I am for the next few days

I swear

I am so confused with the days since I started working 

So I am a bit all over the place in that respect

Work is going well

I am basically left to my own devices

It's great that I have no one looking over my shoulder 

I just get on with my work

And pretty much do my own thing

There was a new crowd in this week

A group from Dublin

These people were a little bit special 

But they were the nicest people you could meet 

They were mostly men 

But there were three ladies too

13 altogether 

It was great because some of the men actually helped us serve dinner 

When the chef sent it up to the dining room in the dumb waiter 

They were there waiting to hand it out to people 

My first day there 

I kept mixing up their names 

And it wasn't until my last day yesterday that I was really getting to know them

There was the lady who liked a few drinks and came on to the night porter 

The man who paced up and down constantly 

The man who had corn flakes for breakfast, lunch and tea

The man who ate and ate and was constantly asking for cups of tea

And the man who was my secret favourite 

He was so polite 

And one day told me that I was a 'shining star'

How nice is that?

But really 

They were mentally unwell 

And some of their stories would break your heart 

I leave work every day feeling very grateful for my mental and physical health 

There was one man who had been severely mentally damaged from drugs 

He had also been in the army 

He came looking for tea a lot 

And put a ton of sugar in it

But all in all 

They were a pleasure 

Yesterday 

I said good by to them all 

And again 

I got hugs and kisses and thank yous 

But that wasn't the last time I saw them 

I was walking Lea through town this morning 

And we called in to the holiday centre 

Some of the men were there 

And they all wanted to rub Lea

But if course she barked her head off 

Which I knew she would because she is nervous with strangers 

It was nice to see them though 

You really form bonds and relationships with these people 

And they are the best of craic

I've just been in to see my doctor 

Nothing to report there 

Just in and out 

Just the way I like it

So I am now just sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my script 

All in all

Things are going quite well 

Work is keeping me honest 

My dogs are keeping me sane 

And my horse riding is keeping me fulfilled and excited 

So I really can't complain 

I now eat two of my meals in work 

I have my breakfast after the guests have theirs 

Then I have my lunch while the guests are eating theirs 

Yesterday I ate a fish dinner 

And didn't even think of purging 

Which is pretty amazing given where I was a few short months ago 

It's great though 

Work takes me out of my own head 

And I don't have time to think and over think

It is also massively helping with my confidence 

Chatting to people 

And meeting new people every week

Is really helping me to shake off my shyness and really engage with others 

So yes 

I am really enjoying work 

Of course 

It is hard work 

I'm on my feet all day 

Running up and down stairs 

Lifting 

Carrying 

Washing 

Drying 

Cleaning 

Brushing mopping 

Dealing with inquiries 

Serving food 

Collecting dishes 

It's tough going 

But I love it 

The day flies in as I'm so busy 

And of course it is so brilliant to get a pay cheque every week

It's all very well being on disability 

And having money for doing nothing 

But earning it is so satisfying 

And good for my self esteem

So it's so good to be able to say that I am now working 

I am now earning my own money 

Paying my own way 

Contributing to society 

I think it came at exactly the right time 

Any sooner 

And I might not have been ready 

Because it is run by a charity 

It's not profit driven 

It's all about providing a holiday for people who might ordinarily get a holiday 

To really treat them 

And make a fuss of them

It gives me great satisfaction to know that I am helping make their holiday an enjoyable one 

That I am making a difference 

So yes 

All is good 

I am good 

And I am so grateful for that 

I am even more accepting of my body 

I am toning up around my shoulders and arms due to the horse riding 

And my legs feel tighter too

So that makes dressing a less stressful experience 

Ok 

I'm off for a cuppa and a little rest 

See you on the next post....