Time off

As I type this 

I am sitting in the bus station

Waiting for the bus home 

I went in to school this morning 

Just to give the bridal back that I was practising on 

I've decided to take a few days off

As I  am starting to struggle

Anxiety is getting the better of me 

And I'm struggling to get out the door n the morning 

I guess I haven't been looking after myself too well

I haven't been eating properly 

Or taking my meds correctly 

And I'm generally feeling run down and tired

Of course I turned to the one place I know I can go to write and get some much needed advice 

I feel like I have neglected this blog

And you my friends 

I'm sorry for that 

I've just been so busy trying to get through the week 

That at the end of the day I have zero energy left 

I have been using Facebook recently 

It's been fallout of the month 

And I've been very open there 

Maybe too open 

So I'm going to give it a rest for a while 

And just concentrate on getting well

I really don't want to give up my course 

But at the same time 

I need to take care of myself and my mental health 

So I missed yesterday 

And this morning was pretty horrible trying psych myself up to go in

I drive myself in to the bus 

And waited at the bus stop

I was having a fight with myself whether to go in or not 

But I had the bridal to return 

So I got on the bus 

I walked over to school 

And met my class mates 

They were lovely 

And gave me big hugs 

I then spoke to my tutor 

And she said it was fine to take some time off 

She also said she would make an appointment with the school counsellor for me 

I also contacted Mary 

And have an appointment with her next week 

I will also see my doctor 

And my psychiatrist 

I really want to build myself up over the next few days 

And get my strength back 

So I can be fighting fit when I return next week

I just need some me time 

I threw myself in to this course at full speed 

Now it's starting to catch up on me

And I am flagging 

So 

Over the next few days 

I'm going to rest 

Relax 

Recouperate 

Lots of Honey and Lea time 

I also have some work to do at home so I will try to keep up with everyone else 

Of course now I am wondering if I did the right thing taking time off 

And I feel like did I do the right thing?

But I have to trust my gut 

And go with that 

I'm just a bit worried about falling behind  

And missing out 

But look

I have made the decision now 

So I just have to go with it

And trust that I know me best 

And know when I need to slow down 

And cool the jets

I'm also hoping to catch up on you blogs 

And get up to date with what's happening with y'all 

And as for me?

I guess I need to sort a few things out 

Especially how open I am about my issues

As after writing about them on FB

I felt really exposed and vulnerable 

I asked people what they thought about writing such things on such an open forum 

I got a mixed response 

Some said it was a brave thing to do 

Some said it could put me in a very vulnerable position

I am undecided 

But I will give it a rest for a few days

Just to breathe 

And to sort my head out 

That's me 

I'm not perfect 

I never professed to be 

I am flawed 

I have a mind that works faster than I can process the information

I have a wild imagination

Some might call that paranoia 

I've been known to read too much in to things 

And over think until my brain hurts

Edit: I am now back home 

I've been here an hour 

And already I'm bored silly

Now I'm regretting saying I'll take some time off 

And am thinking about going in to tomorrow and Friday 

And taking Monday and Tuesday of for appointments

If I seem a bit all over the place 

It's because I am

I'm restless 

Uneasy 

Anxious 

Where ever I am 

I want to be somewhere else 

I don't know 

I guess I will play it by ear

Watch this space 

I will keep you updated....

Photos from the last couple of weeks..

Bumpy week

Yes 

This week has been bumpy to say the least

I was off Monday and Tuesday with severe bouts of diarrhoea

I went in Wednesday 

And yesterday 

But I had to get off the horse to run to the bathroom

So I really didn't get to ride which was disappointing 

So instead 

I groomed 

And helped out in the yard

Today I am off again

As I have a doctors appointment 

So I'm hoping to get to the bottom of this 

Ha! Pardon the pun!

But seriously 

I do need to get this under control 

I've had diarrhoea since I started the course 

Which is five weeks now 

I was managing it 

But it's got to the point where I'm afraid to do anything 

In case I need the loo

As I said in my last post

I really think it's anxiety 

I was talking with my sisters partner last night 

And she was asking why I am anxious 

After some thought 

I realised that it was because I feel I'm not good enough 

That I am stupid 

And am not able for this course 

I worry about everything 

About falling behind 

Being asked questions and not knowing the answers 

About how I'm doing socially 

Wondering what my weights doing 

Struggling to eat at breaks 

So really and truly there is a lot going on

It's no wonder my body is taking a hit 

And the thing is 

It's a catch 22 situation 

If I go in to my course 

I feel anxious and have diarrhoea 

If I don't go in 

I don't feel anxious 

And I don't have it 

So when I do stay at home 

I feel I should have gone in

But if I go in

I wish I stayed at home

What to do ....

I'm not sure what my doctor is going to do 

But I hope there is a solution that doesn't involve taking a pill

I was wondering if any of you have experience this 

And how did you deal with it?

It's starting to get me down 

And I know the more time I miss 

The more I fall behind 

And the harder it will be to get back in to the swing of things 

Anyway 

I digress 

In other news 

Mam is away for two weeks 

So am trying to keep the house running in some sort of order 

The weather is so bad that I'm not getting out with the dogs as much 

But they come for spins in the car and seem to be happy enough with that 

My Dad is staying with us for a while 

He has improved a bit 

Which is great 

Food wise I'm doing ok

Struggling a bit to eat in school

But I'm eating a dinner in the evenings 

I'm not entirely sure 

But I don't think I've lost weight 

If I have it's not much 

Mood is good 

I feel positive 

Despite the issues I'm having 

But I'm optimistic that there is a solution 

So if you have any suggestions 

I'd love to read them.....

Sick

I'm off school today

And was off yesterday too

Since I started my course four weeks ago

I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings

At first I put it down to my change in routine 

And adjusting to my course 

But recently 

It's been getting worse 

I get like clockwork every morning 

But not for the rest of the day

On Sunday night 

I woke up and threw up a few times

So just to be sure 

I took yesterday off 

I got up this morning 

Planning to go in 

But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession 

So I made an executive decision

And decided to stay at home 

I did speak to my doctor last week

And he said to keep an eye on it

And notice when I am getting it

And when I don't 

Over the weekend 

I didn't have any diarrhoea at all

But come Monday morning 

It came back 

I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety 

I don't actually feel stressed 

But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface 

Starting this course was a huge step 

And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation

But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled 

Of course 

In saying that 

I am still adjusting 

And finding my feet 

But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions 

I rang my doctor today 

And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen 

She said I could go in only if it was an emergency 

I told her I needed a cert for school

But she said that wasn't an emergency 

Nice 

So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert 

It's nice to have a couple of days off 

But I would much rather be in school 

As I don't want to miss out 

Because I am struggling to keep up as it is 

Apart from that 

I am doing welll

I feel good 

I feel healthy and strong 

Not weak or delicate like I used to

I'm loving my course 

Two new girls started this week

But I haven't met them yet

Which is more anxiety meeting new people 

The girls on my course have been just lovely 

Texting me to check on me

And just being good friends 

I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless 

Because I know the longer I leave it 

The harder it will be to get back in to a routine 

Anyway 

Just a quick post today 

Thanks for reading 

And see you on the next post....

Facebooking from the edge....

I have only recently started using Facebook

I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time 

I avoided it for a few reasons 

The number one being that I had no life 

And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives

Basically 

If I had a FB account this time last year

All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit 

And let's face it

That is nothing to brag about 

I had nothing positive to report at all

Also 

I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals 

These images stayed lodged in my brain

And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals 

It's a bit of a tug of war for me

I don't want to know these things 

Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on

Take this morning for example 

I scrolled through my news feed 

And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China 

To make out leather goods 

I broke down after reading the article 

I utterly despaired 

And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love 

I just don't understand it 

I really don't 

After the tears subside 

The anger sets in

And the absolute need to do something about 

I signed a petition 

I shared it on Facebook

And wrote a post about my feelings 

But it doesn't feel like enough 

I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now 

And now knowing where most of our leather comes from 

I'm even considering vegan ism 

The only thing is 

That I don't know the first thing about it 

I don't know how to cook vegan food 

I'm not even sure which foods are vegan

I just want to do something 

Even if it's in my own small way 

After this 

I went in to the kitchen 

And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea

I hugged them tightly 

And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home 

Anyway 

Look 

I could write for days about this 

But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears 

In other news

Today is Friday 

And I usually have a half day today 

But today I am off sick with some sort of bug 

I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now 

And I just feel so tired and weak

It's nice to have a day off though 

Even if I don't feel all that well

So I now have a month done of my course 

Some things are getting easier 

But I must admit

I do struggle to retain information

Thank you 12 years of drug abuse

For my brain like a sieve 

For low self esteem and confidence 

For an inherent inability to like myself 

Or to believe in myself 

For putting me through hell

And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia 

For my weak body 

A malfunctioning body

And for any lack of life skills 

Oh yes

They have treated me well

So because of all this 

More often than not 

I feel like the class dunce 

I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to 

And never the one I do know the answer to

Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!

Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard 

And I felt so embarrassed 

But 

I'll never make that mistake again 

That's for sure

I struggle with the equipment 

I forget the names of things 

During our riding lesson

Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups 

Asked us questions 

And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly 

I had to do two laps of the arena like this 

And boy did I feel stupid 

On a positive note 

I am now cantering 

And not by accident 

Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino

What a beauty 

I think she has been my favourite so far 

She was lovely and forward to ride 

Responded with little effort from me

Just a joy to ride

I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter 

As if had no instruction

It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'

I kicked on Bambi

Sat in to the saddle 

Leg behind the girth

And the sprang in to a canter 

Such a rush 

A definite improvement on my day

I only have a couple of photos this week

Below is Arnie having a rest 

And me chillin' with Bambi.....

Sunday - Positives of the week

It was a short week

Only four days as Monday was a bank holiday

I wrote two essays 

I met a friend from treatment on Tuesday for lunch

I managed to eat breakfast and lunch on a couple of occasions 

I rode a new horse called Jigsaw

Who was a total pet 

And really looked after me 

I made it through the week without crying or having a meltdown

I didn't ring in sick even though I felt fine 

I mounted both Blue and Jigsaw from the ground 

I fed the little pony down the road from me 

I didn't smoke even though I had a huge craving 

I budgeted my money well

I took my meds correctly 

I gave my Mam more money than usual for bills 

I started up conversation with a stranger 

I made it through week 3 of my course

What were the positives of your week?

Write, delete, repeat

I just wrote 

And promptly deleted a post about stopping blogging

I said goodbye and everything 

But the truth is 

I don't want to stop writing 

Even if it's only once a week

I love it 

And I love you

So I'm not going anywhere

Not yet anyway

I guess I need to be more active on blogger in order to maintain the friendships I have made 

It's a balancing act 

My real life 

And my virtual one 

But I feel a duty to you 

And to all the ED sufferers out there 

To show that recovery is possible 

The thought of leaving blogger is too much 

Blogger was there when I needed it

So I will be there for blogger

And all the readers out there 

For better or for worse 

I am not going anywhere....