Blast From The Past

I was walking my dogs down my road yesterday, like I do every day, minding my own business when a jeep passed me
It stopped ahead of me turned and pulled in beside me
I thought it was someone looking for directions
I looked at the driver and thought 'I know that face'
I couldn't mistake those ice blue eyes
It was my ex-boyfriends bestfriend
As in the bestfriend of the boy I went out with for 7 years
As someone I took heroin with everyday for years
As in someone I thought I had left behind when I moved here 8 years ago
As I walked over to the jeep adrenaline began to pump through my veins
My first thought was 'Fuck, they found me'
I never told anyone where I was going when I left
I prayed his eyes wouldn't be pinned
I know I'm not strong enough to resist if I know he's using
'Wow!' I said, trying to keep the fear out of my voice 'What are you doing up here'
'I live here' he replied 'In the next village'
Christ, I thought, just down the road from me
We talked for a few minutes and I relaxed a little although nerves were still making me talk way too much, giving out way too much in formation
He asked me where I lived and I tried to be vague
I asked about my ex-boyfriend who he said is a methadone programme also
He gave me his number and told me to get in touch
I said I would
As he drove away my legs started to shake
I couldn't quite believe what had just happened
It was like seeing a ghost from a life I thought was dead and buried
My heroin addiction was so surreal that it's like it happened to someone else
I almost deny it ever happened
But I couldn't deny it today
Not when one of the main players of that time walks back in to my life
I walked back down my road in a bit of shock
Asking myself 'Did that just happen?'
I immediately needed to tell someone, if just to calm myself down
I decided against telling my family as it would only worry them greatly
So instead of talking to someone I pounded out 4 hours on the stepper
On pure adrenaline

But in fact this is not the first time I've run in to this guy since I left my old town
I ran in to him about 4/5 years ago in the next town
He was at a music festival so I didn't worry too much a he was only here for the weekend
But this is different
He's here, living in my sleepy little village
I don't know if he's using
I suspect from talking to him that he's not using heroin but he was always a weed smoker
And just because he's not using smack doesn't rule out all the other drugs
Not that I don't like this guy, I do
He is one of those fellas that everyone loves and wants to be around
But he comes with a whole bundle of trouble
As mad as a box of frogs
I hope I'm wrong
I hope to God that he is clean, for his sake and mine

We used to be a foursome
Me and my boyfriend, him and his girl friend
Partners in crime
We ended up staying all over the country using
This guy is striking looking
Tall, tattood with piercing blue eyes
The girls loved him
Wanted to take care of him
But he was a free spirit and that made him even more attractive
He always scared me a bit
You just never knew what he was going to do next
We took all kinds of drugs to together
Got in to all kinds of trouble
He used to inject heroin in to my neck when the veins in my arms collapsed
When I had a shower last night, I caught myself looking at the veins in my arm
The heat made them rise
I always had shocking veins which made shooting up near impossible
It didn't stop me trying though
For the first time in a long time I wondered what it would be like to use again
Bad Ruby, bad!
I wondered about my ex-boyfriend and what he's doing now
So in a not so intelligent moment I decided to text him
I remembered his number, it used to be mine
Is that a slippery slope I can feel?

I did wonder though
Why do I keep running in to this person when I'm trying so hard to run away
Is there a reason or am I just looking for a reason?
I am both thrilled and terrified at the prospect of seeing him again
And no doubt I will see him again
So what to do?
Avoid him?
Contact him?
Move again?
No, moving is ridiculous, this is my home now, I have a life here
And after all, I was here first
I hope that I'm over reacting
I hope he is clean and sorted and moved here for the same reasons I did
I hope we can see each other and be nice and polite with none of the shit from the past
I hope......

I've been weighing the past few days
Curiosity has been getting the better of me
It's slowly going down
I've been exercising up to 6 hours a day
Ridiculous
Ruby
But I'm giving myself the day off today and only going to walk my dogs
I'm loving the thought of a day spent watching Masterchef  Australia and Come Dine With Me

Why can't I get this guy out of my head?

Numerical Roulette!

I saw my friend again
After cancelling on her a couple of times I finally called in to her yesterday
She also has an eating disorder and a drug and alcohol history
She sees Mary too
We're both in a pretty similar situation recovery wise
We've both put on weight recently
Not enough to reach a healthy body weight but enough that we don't look ill anymore
She told me how someone had commented to her that she had 'filled out'
As you can imagine this crushed her
I don't know on what universe people think it's ok to comment on someone's weight, good or bad
I never pass comment as you just don't know how someone is going to take it
I know comment about my own weight have sent me spinning into relapse
My friend is the only person I tell my weight to and she tells me hers
She is a few inches shorter than me and a few pounds lighter
Even though that means we're probably the same weight I still thought that she looked a lot thinner than me
She said she felt huge and didn't like to leave the house anymore
I can relate to this
In my head I am so big that it is embarrassing
I feel fat therefore I am fat
I didn't see Mary this week so I have no ides what my weight is and I'm not going to play numerical roulette and  weigh myself
Those little numbers still have too much power over me
They dictate my mood, my self esteem and my self worth
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of depression
If it's down I sky rocket in to euphoria
That's not good
People say to me  that the scale doesn't tell you what a good person you are or how pretty or talented or how giving or loving you are
I hate that those numbers have such power over me but they do
My mind is consumed with food, weight and numbers
Numbers on the scale, numbers on my stepper, calories, measurements........
For the first few years of my illness it wasn't about numbers
I was oblivious to what weight I was and never weighed myself, never even wanted to
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I had no idea that I was barely 80lbs
It wasn't until I was admitted to hospital that numbers became important
They weighed me every second day and it seemed to be very important so I started taking notice of what I weighed
Then in treatment we were weighed 3 times a week
Suddenly the number became crucial
I had a spectrum of safe weights and if I went above this I completely panicked
They say it's not about weight but it is for me
Reaching a healthy weight is still terrifying
My friend and I were talking about how people presume we are well because we have put on weight
Another myth about eating disorders, that you have to be emaciated to have one
I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight
It's a mental illness with physical side effects
I'm glad I went to see my friend though
Just to get the identification was great

We were talking about how great Mary is
Not just with the food stuff but with life stuff
In fact food is nearly always the last thing we talk about
I have seen my fair share of therapists and counsellors over the years
Ranging from the weird to the wonderful
When I first moved here I was looking for a counsellor
A friend put me in touch with a man who ran a half way house for male addicts
He was a former addict himself
So I started seeing this man on a weekly basis
At first things were fine
He was very informal and let me smoke in his office
Some of his theories were a bit left field but I just thought he must know what he's talking about seeing as he runs this centre and had set up others
But then things took a strange turn
He wouldn't ring my methadone doctor and said 'why should I go running to her, she can ring me herself'
Ok
When I tried to talk to him about food he said 'well that's fine, no one wants to be fat'
That was my first inkling that things weren't right
As the weeks went on he became less interested in my addiction
All he wanted to know about was 'had I been out at the weekend'
He frequently asked me if I had a boyfriend or had I been with any boys
I started to feel uncomfortable seeing him and started to skip sessions
His questions were becoming more and more inappropriate and I didn't like it
I remember I was keeping a diary at the time and wrote about him in that
Eventually things just got too weird
I felt like he was coming on to me and I didn't fee comfortable being alone with him so I stopped going to see him
Months later I told my friend why I had stopped going
He replied by telling me that this man was now being investigated by the probation board
It turned out he was up to all kinds of no good
In fact I had got off lightly
Eventually I had to give a statement of what had happened
I did have a gut instinct about this man from the beginning but I didn't listen to it
Yes, it could've been a lot worse but the fact that he preyed on me when I was vulnerable shook my confidence in seeking out a new counsellor
The man said my statement was bullshit but I was believed and he lost his job
He did untold damage and all the while hiding behind the guise that he was helping addicts
What a cowardly and despicable man
I'm always afraid that I will run in to him somewhere but I'd say he has left the area
From then on I've seen women counsellors as I just don't feel comfortable with a man
I hope that man never works again

Be you!

A 15 year old girl who lived in the next town to me committed suicide last week
It's the third suicide of a teenager in the last year in my area
This girl was being cyber bullied
It obviously got too much for her and she eventually hanged herself in a wood near her home
The site she was being bullied  on is called ask.fm and when asked about cyber bullying on their site they gave a ludicrous statement
The claimed no responsibility and said that children in the UK and Ireland are more cruel than other countries and that they get no complaints of bullying from other countries
The girls father was on tv a couple of nights ago
He described how his daughter was outgoing and bubbly, she did well at school, had lots of hobbies and was well liked by everyone in their town
She didn't tell anyone that she was being bullied
Even though it was done anonymously, I'm sure she knew who her bullies were
So why was she a target?
I'm sure it's different in every case but in this case it seemed to be jealousy
The bullies didn't like the fact that this girl was pretty and doing well, so they decided to knock her down a  peg or two
It baffles me how people have that nerve to post these hateful comments but they don't have the balls to put their name to it
They hide behind computer screens in their bedrooms, not knowing the amount of damage they are doing
It's so very sad that this girl didn't tell anyone and suffered in silence
As you can imagine the town is in shock
The school held a meeting
The fear they're may have been a pact and are asking people to come forward with information

I've written about bullies quite recently and my own experiences with them
I've been dealing with different versions of the same bully my entire life
They say that bullies quite often used to be bullied themselves
I believe people are the way they are for a reason so it makes sense that a victim of bullying would become a bully
After my first experience of bullying, I used to tease a girl in my class, it might not have been outright bullying but it was a reaction to what had happened to me
Even though bullies do bad things, I don't believe they are bad people
I actually pity them
They put others down in order to feel good about themselves so they can't have much self esteem or self confidence
But I can't deny they do untold damage and in this case the worst possible outcome came about
Cyber bulling is a new and more cruel method of bulling
Anyone can sit in their bedroom, in front of their computer screen and anonymously tear apart someones character
They can't see the reaction therefore they don't know the damage they are doing

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
This girl must've been in so much pain to actually consider taking her own life
I've had suicidal ideation for a long time - welcoming death but not actively seeking it
Or as I call it a passive death wish
I've never attempted suicide but I have thought about it plenty of times
When I'm walking my dogs down my road I will a car to crash in to me
Or I'm walking on the cliffs hoping a gust of wind will catch me
I remember when I was trying to get clean off drugs I made a deal with myself
I would try recovery for 6 months and if it didn't work out I would kill myself
As strange as it sounds this actually kept me going
Knowing I could end it all was a comfort
I still have suicidal thoughts but they are fleeting thoughts
Thankfully I have the foresight of my families hurt if I did it
It might be the end of my problems but it would open a world of pain for my family
Someone said to me that we shouldn't talk about suicide too much because it puts the idea in peoples heads
This is true
Studies show that after a suicide and it's publicity, the suicide rate goes up
This puts people in a difficult position because it needs to be talked about but not too much
The boy who committed suicide a few weeks ago, his family denied he had killed himself and said that he broke his neck after falling off his trampoline
I can understand his families pain but I do think it is better to be open and talk about it

So why do bullies target certain people?
I have no doubt that in a lot of cases with girls it is jealousy
And in a way girls can be more cruel than boys
Boys are more physical, more likely to throw a punch
Girls are more subtle and sneaky
They talk behind each others backs, they exclude and tend to verbally bully rather than physically bully
They can be so subtle that you question whether you are imagining it
I think bullies also pick on people who are different
I used to do my best to blend in
I just wanted to be one of the crowd, didn't want to stand out
I went to great lengths to fit in
I wanted to change everything about myself from my hair to my personality
I even used to change my accent
But as I bet older I see that it's our differences that make us who we are
Our quirks and our foibles make us interesting
As I've said before I don't want to be a clone of someone else
When I was younger it was important to look like everyone else
Same clothes, same hair, same everything
But now I like that I different
I like that I don't blend in
Dare I say it, I like me
Like a dog that can smell fear, bullies also seem to be able to sniff out fear
They prey on the vulnerable
But I do think that as well as the victims, the bullies themselves need help
They are obviously in a lot of pain themselves if they feel the need to do this to others

So with all  that said I was wondering about you
Have you experienced haters or cyber bullies?
How did you handle it?

Stay Strong!

I was flicking through the tv channels yesterday and I came across Demi Levato's documentary Stay Strong
I have seen the documentary before
But decided to watch it again
For those of you who don't know Demi, she was a child star and is now 23 and a singer and actress
I was always aware of Demi but it wasn't until she checked in to treatment in 2010 that I started to pay attention to her
She was in the middle of a tour when her family staged an intervention and she went straight to rehab for 'physical and emotional' problems
In reality Demi had been suffering from bulimia and depression for years and was also a self harmer
She described feeling fat at as young an age at 4
How her parents divorce affected her greatly
And how she had cripplingly low self esteem
Couple that with the pressure of being on tv and surrounded by skinny girls and an eating disorder was born
Like a lot of us she ploughed on regardless, taking on more and more work
She said she purged up to 6 times a day
She insisted she was fine but it was clear to those around her that she wasn't
She described being full of self hatred, fuelled by guilt and shame
She said  that she 'took it out on herself'
Eventually the family intervened and she went to treatment in October 2010 until January 2011

The documentary followed her on her first tour since coming out of treatment
She said that she couldn't say she hadn't purged or self harmed since leaving treatment
It showed her going home to Dallas for Thanksgiving and it was obvious that she was anxious
Her family was there and the house was filled with food
It was plain to see she was really struggling as she surveyed all the food
She made a phonecall to who I presume was another girl from treatment
It was touching to hear them give each other support and encouragement
It showed her eating lunch and she looked incredibly uncomfortable, glancing at other peoples plates an then declaring 'I'm uncomfortably full'

I could see a lot of sadness and pain still in Demi
The camera would catch her smiling but it would then break in to an expression of someone who looked a little bit lost
And of course she is a little bit lost
She is barely a year or two in to recovery and she is still so young
She said that she still battles everyday with body image
Made even more difficult by the fact that she gained 30lbs after leaving treatment
I thought she was so very brave to be honest about this
She could've put on an act for the documentary, painting a picture that everything was fan-fucking-tastic
But what she portrayed I think, was a realistic picture of recovery
It's not all rainbows and unicorn farts (to use a phrase of Peri's)
Recovery is hard
It's probably the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives
The temptation is always there to go back to old behaviours
Recovery is unkown territory
And it's a leap of faith
We're going down a path without knowing the outcome
Demi describes how recovery is not like bringing your car to a mechanic
You don't go in get fixed and come out brand new
She said it takes 'constant fixing'
I thought this was a really good metaphor
Recovery is not a destination
Recovery is the journey
It never ends
Recovery is working at it everyday

Even though there was alot of sadness in the documentary, the message I took from it was one of hope
She is incredibly open about her struggles and I think that has to be applauded
I read a blog over the weekend and the blogger and her commenters were talking about how Demi talks about her illness too much and how she is basically milking it for attention
I was blown away by this
Demi is breaking the silence by speaking out about her eating disorder
She could have easily put the troubles down to 'exhaustion'
But she didn't
She wants to help other young girls like herself who are suffering in silence
Surely as a fellow eating disorder survivor we should be supporting her not putting her down
Why shouldn't she talk about it?
It was a huge life changing event in her life
In the documentary it showed one of Demi's concerts and lots of girls queueing up outside
Girl after girl spoke about how Demi had helped them so much
'If Demi can do it then so can I' was quoted many times
One girl told how Demi gave her the courage to tell her parents about her own eating disorder and eventually went to treatment
That has to be a good thing

Another thing I took from the documentary is how it's so important to have something to put your energy in to in recovery
Demi has music and spoke about how it was the one thing getting her through the day
I don't consider myself to be in recovery but after watching this I thought maybe I am after all
I am fighting this thing
I do want to get well
Yes I still engage in behaviours but being in recovery isn't about being perfect
I always thought that I couldn't say I was in recovery until I  had everything sorted
Until I had recovery perfected
But maybe it's not like that at all
Maybe fighting every day does mean I'm in recovery
I don't want to be this way
I didn't invite this in to my life
Who would want to live this?
I sure don't

Overall I think Demi is an inspiration
She has been through a lot at such a young age and has come out on top
I also think it's great that she showed that you don't have to be emaciated to have an eating disorder
You can't tell by looking at someone if they have an eating disorder
They come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between

So thanks Demi for teaching me a thing or two about my own battle

Secrets and Lies

I've tried twice to write a post but none of it makes any sense
I saw Mary today
For homework I have to write out a list of my achievements over the last few months
But I can't think of one never mind a whole list
She might consider my putting on weight an achievement but what does that mean other than I now take up more space
What does that matter when my mind is still so very sick
I lied to her today
I told her the stepper broke
It did break, that part is true
But I didn't tell her that I brought it back to the shop and exchanged it for a different model
Keeping secrets is not good Ruby
Remember we are only as sick as our secrets
I'm not seeing her now for 2 weeks and I'm already planning how much weight I can lose by then
Nothing else seems to matter
I'm feeling useless again
Like there is no point to me
No point to this life
Usually when I'm feeling like this writing helps but I seem to have lost the ability to write a coherent sentence
So I'll say it with pictures instead

Quicksand

I came across this quote the other day

' Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing '
                                                                            
                                                                                                                    - Aristotle
It has really stuck in my mind as this is exactly what I'm doing these days
Saying nothing
Doing nothing
Being nothing

I didn't use to be like this
I used to be spontaneous
I used to be gregarious
I used to be outgoing
But once my eating disorder took hold I completely changed
I went from being a girl with big dreams to a girl living in a nightmare
My eating disorder now has me in a headlock
Paralysed with fear and crippled with anxiety
I was supposed to start my writing group last night but I didn't go
My eating disorder told me that I am a rubbish writer so why bother going
It told me that no one would like me
Why would they?
It told me to stay at home and exercise
That's time better spent
Today I am sorry I didn't go
I mean what's the worst that could've happened
Someone didn't quite like me?
What is so bad about that?
Not everyone is going to like me and that should be ok
I have become a people pleaser
Not wanting to offend anyone or rock the boat in anyway
So I say nothing to avoid that
I am like a social chameleon
Changing my personality to suit who ever I'm with
If I'm with a quiet person, then I too am quiet
If I'm with someone loud, I absorb their personality by osmosis and also become loud
I have absolutely no idea who Ruby is
All I know is I'm Ruby the anorexic/bulimic, recovering heroin addict
Without these labels I don not know what is left
So I am avoiding criticism by avoiding life
I rarely venture too far from my house
I went to the dentist yesterday half an hour away and that was a big deal
But in avoiding all the bad things about life, I am also avoiding all the good things
I don't want to look back on my life and have so many regrets
And I will if I keep going like this
I'm missing out on the best years of my life
Saying nothing
Doing nothing
And above all, being nothing

Guilt fear and shame are like fuel for my eating disorder
Having been a heroin addict, I've done some pretty horrible stuff
And most often it was to the people I love the most
I broke my families heart
I lied to them, stole from them and used them for what I could get from them
Every job I have ever worked at I stole from
I remember going in to a supermarket one day
As I was paying for my item, the girl opened her till, I reached in, grabbed a handful of money and ran
The worst thing was that my mother was in the car outside so she became my get a way driver
When I think back on events like this I can't quite believe that was me who did those things
I stole off anybody and every body
I remember in treatment my psychiatrist asking me had I forgiven myself for doing these things
I definitely haven't and the guilt can be overwhelming
And so I feel that I owe these people something
My mother has told me that the best way I can repay her is by getting well
The one thing she wants is the one thing I can't seem to do
I am living in the past and often run events in my head on a loop
My drug addiction and eating disorder have turned me in to a person I don't recognise
I am like a frightened child
Afraid to take a risk on life
I feel like giving up
I seriously considered taking all my meds and sleeping forever but one thing stops me
I couldn't do that to my family
It might be an end to my problems but it would break my family
Living with guilt and shame is like being in quick sand
You kick and pull and try to get away from it but it keeps pulling you back in until you are smothered

My mood has picked up slightly
I saw my friend on Monday and that was good
She also has an eating disorder and a drug history
I got rid of the caffeine tablets but I'm still using the stepper
Not as much but I'm still using it
I told my doctor about the weekend
As I predicted he just moved my meds around
I don't need more meds
I need practical ways of helping myself
I'm not giving up just yet though
I'll put one foot in front of the other and keep going
Baby steps

Nothing changes if nothing changes

I saw Mary on Friday
I started crying before I had even sat down
I told her how things are getting out of control
That I am afraid
That I can't seem to stop
She weighed me and I had gained back some of the weight I had lost
Cue emotional meltdown
The first thought that ran through my mind was
'I can't do this anymore, I have to end this'
End it in a bad way not a good way
I actually considered taking my life over the sake of 2 pounds
I cried throughout the session
I told her I was tired of it all
That I don't want to be like this anymore
If I were on a train I would be pulling the emergency cord and getting the hell off
I hate that I'm measuring my self worth by what the scale says
I hate that those little numbers have so much power over me
We ended the session by writing out a list of things to do including throwing out the caffeine tablets, stop using the stepper and contact my friends
I broke down in front of my mother on Saturday
I couldn't stop crying
She told me she could see me slipping the last few weeks
That my behaviour had gotten obsessional again
I just wanted to sleep so I took some meds and slept for the weekend

But now it's Monday and the cold light of reality
I have to face up to the fact that I have to do something if I want this nightmare to end
I guess I'm at a crossroads and I can go one of two ways
I can retreat further in to my eating disorder or I can take a leap of faith and try recovery
Looking back over the last few weeks I can see where this all started
I was looking for something
Something to fill the void
I thought restricting and exercise would do the trick but they just made me worse
They say that addiction is progressive
That it gets worse over time
I believe this because I literally picked up where I had left off from my last anorexic episode
As I said before I know how this story ends
I will lose weight
Along with the weight I will lose my mind
Depression and anxiety will join the party
I will wake up every morning and dread the day ahead
The thought of suicide will be a comfort
Sooner or later I will end up in hospital
Then treatment
When I come the whole cycle starts again
Lather, rinse, repeat

I know some other bloggers are really struggling at the moment
Reading their posts is like reading my own thoughts
It breaks my heart to know that we are all going through the same thing
We may be hundreds, even thousands of miles apart but the common thread is that we are all suffering
Many of us suffering in silence
It makes me so angry that this illness is robbing us of the best years of our lives
And it seems to prey on the best of us
In treatment I met some of the most beautiful, talented, artistic, loving, giving people that I have ever met
The same with the people who I have 'met' on line
Anorexia/bulimia had robbed me of 12 years of my life
My education
My health
My friends
Some of my family
My sanity
My self worth
Any shred of self confidence I ever had
It filled this void with self hatred
Depression
Anxiety
Crippling fear
Doubt
Shame
Guilt

I have no doubt that my eating disorder wants me dead
It won't leave me alone until I am six feet under
Then it will be satisfied
A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death
I believe this is so true
Anorexia/bulimia is a slow suicide
It's takes your body and then your mind
Today I am trying so very hard to choose life
Left to my own devices I would probably choose death but I just can't do that to my family
It would break their hearts
They say you should get well for yourself and no one else
I am going to do this for my family and hope that in time I will be doing for myself
Fake it 'til you make it
When I was giving up drugs I made a deal with myself
I'll give recovery a shot for 6 months and if it doesn't work I can always go back
Drugs will always be there but recovery won't
I'm meeting a friend today and even though it's the last thing I want to do I am making myself go
Like me, she has an eating disorder with a history of drug addiction
She told me that a lot of people were asking about me
That was nice to hear as I didn't think they had noticed that I'd disappeared
What I would really like to do today is curl up in bed
But I'm going to push myself to go out
Everything will just stay the same if I don't do something now
Nothing changes if nothing changes