It's been four days since I was discharged
Reality bites!
I'm finding it quite hard to settle in
I actually miss the hospital
I miss the girls
The support
The laughter
And the tears (there were plenty of those I can assure you!)
I am very much on my own here at home
In hospital I was surrounded by people all the time
I had always presumed that I was a bit of a hermit
That I was perfectly content with my own company
But being in treatment made me realise that I actually do like to be around people
I enjoyed the banter and the support everyone gave each other
I miss that
It's always the way that when I'm home I want to be in hospital
And when I'm in hospital, all I want is to go home
It's so nice to be around other people who get me
So refreshing not to have to put on a mask
Everyone was so honest and open and I loved that
I saw my doctor yesterday morning
He asked me how I had got on
I explained that I been discharged for failing to meet my weight targets
'What was the point of you being there then?' he asked
I tried to explain that I did try in treatment but struggled massively to allow myself to gain weight
I also told him how my doctor in hospital said that I am too reliant on my meds
And that is true
I depend on them so much to help me get through the day
He said we may look in to reducing the methadone at the end of the month
Let's hope he forgets about that one, wink wink!
I'm on quite a lot of meds now
The sick part of me is absolutely fine with this
But I know that I can't stay on them forever
My team in treatment were always telling that I don't need all these meds
That I can cope without them
They tell me that I need to have more faith in my abilities
It's true
I am afraid that without the meds and the ED I will just crumble
They used to say that I have come through heroin addiction
So I can come through this too
I had to think about how I stopped using
The simple answer is that I had just gotten to the point with drugs that I was either going to try recovery or disappear
So I made a deal with myself
I would give recovery a go for 6 months and if nothing changed then I would kill myself
It sounds a bit dramatic but it kept me going
Knowing I could always go back to the drug kept me going
And of course things did improve
I broke free from an opiate addiction and walked straight in to the arms of anorexia
For so long I have been depending on these behaviours
So now I know no other way
And the thought of losing this crutches is so scary
I have to be honest at this point
My heart is not in recovery at the moment
I can't pretend that I am in recovery because I am not
I'm struggling
I'm beaten and broken
I just can't seem to summon up the energy or the motivation to fight this thing
And I sure can't be going around telling everyone else what they should be doing when I can't even do it myself
For the first time in a long time I am quite worried about myself
I can feel the toll this thing is taking on my body and mind
And I have slipped back in to my behaviours so quickly
I have no fight left in me
So what now?
Now I try to maintain things so they don't spin out of control
I'm not weighing myself
I'm not getting sucked in to that cruel game
Not this time
I can't underestimate anorexia/bulimia
They would have you believe that you are doing well
Then like poisonous snake she winds her way around you
Tangling herself in your body and mind
She seeps poison in to your body until you are so weak you are her prisoner
She takes no prisoners
Today I feel tired
Worn out
Indifferent
Numb
Drugged up
Weak
Lonely
Araid.........
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
15
I'm home
I was discharged yesterday after failing to meet my weight target for the umpteenth time
I knew it was going to happen so I wasn't surprised
I actually managed to lose weight while in treatment
My weight is now the lowest it's been for a couple of years
Who does that?
Who goes in to treatment and manages to lose weight?
Me apparently
I have mixed feelings about being home
It's lovely to see my family and dogs
And it's such a relief to have the pressure to weight targets removed
But I am also afraid
Afraid that I will slip back in to the dreaded binging and purging
I just can't handle that
My mind can't handle it
And my body sure can't handle it
They told me in treatment that psychologically I have it
That I have good insight and awareness
I can talk the talk but unfortunately that doesn't translate in to action
Being in treatment is a double edged sword
Yes you have the benefit of support from all the other girls
Yes we can be a good influence on each other
But we can also be a bad influence on each other
We picked up each others habits
Sometimes it felt like a competition to be the thinnest and the sickest
Meal time were particularly tense
We had one eye on our food and the other eye on what everyone else was eating
It was hard
As much as I loved the other girls, sometimes it was just too much
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I was in treatment for 3 months
I spent a lot this time on bedrest so cabin fever had begun to set in
It was such a relief to get off the ward
'So what now?'
I hear you cry
The honest answer is that I don't know
My BMI has dropped to 15
My motivation and will to live is just not there today
The really sick part of me wants to see if I can drop to a BMI of 14
Then I will allow myself to gain weight
What a load of horse shit!
I know that the second I reach that BMI, there will be a short lived feeling of satisfaction
But then it will on to the next target
Anorexia is never satisfied
We never win this sick game that we play with her
We always lose
Always
Please don't hang your happiness on a number on a scale
Not on your clothes being size zero
Not on weighing the same as a child
Not on your bones protruding
Not on the attention you get for being so thin
There's more to life than just your ED
You are more than your ED
I was discharged yesterday after failing to meet my weight target for the umpteenth time
I knew it was going to happen so I wasn't surprised
I actually managed to lose weight while in treatment
My weight is now the lowest it's been for a couple of years
Who does that?
Who goes in to treatment and manages to lose weight?
Me apparently
I have mixed feelings about being home
It's lovely to see my family and dogs
And it's such a relief to have the pressure to weight targets removed
But I am also afraid
Afraid that I will slip back in to the dreaded binging and purging
I just can't handle that
My mind can't handle it
And my body sure can't handle it
They told me in treatment that psychologically I have it
That I have good insight and awareness
I can talk the talk but unfortunately that doesn't translate in to action
Being in treatment is a double edged sword
Yes you have the benefit of support from all the other girls
Yes we can be a good influence on each other
But we can also be a bad influence on each other
We picked up each others habits
Sometimes it felt like a competition to be the thinnest and the sickest
Meal time were particularly tense
We had one eye on our food and the other eye on what everyone else was eating
It was hard
As much as I loved the other girls, sometimes it was just too much
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I was in treatment for 3 months
I spent a lot this time on bedrest so cabin fever had begun to set in
It was such a relief to get off the ward
'So what now?'
I hear you cry
The honest answer is that I don't know
My BMI has dropped to 15
My motivation and will to live is just not there today
The really sick part of me wants to see if I can drop to a BMI of 14
Then I will allow myself to gain weight
What a load of horse shit!
I know that the second I reach that BMI, there will be a short lived feeling of satisfaction
But then it will on to the next target
Anorexia is never satisfied
We never win this sick game that we play with her
We always lose
Always
Please don't hang your happiness on a number on a scale
Not on your clothes being size zero
Not on weighing the same as a child
Not on your bones protruding
Not on the attention you get for being so thin
There's more to life than just your ED
You are more than your ED
Monday, 27 January 2014
24 Days
Today is my 24th day in treatment
I've been meaning to post for ages but we are kept so busy here it's hard to find a quiet moment to write
At the time of writing my last post I was on threat of discharge for failing to meet my weight targets
The good news is that I did reach my target and even managed to get off bedrest
The bad news is that I did have some backlash from the weight gain
This past weekend was incredibly difficult and I purged quite a bit
This morning my weight was down 1kg
I was so disappointed because now I will probably be on bedrest again on Wednesday
I find motivation so hard to maintain
It comes and goes and waxes and wanes
Some days I wake up feeling so motivated and so hopeful
Like this morning
I had such a bad weekend and even felt like discharging myself
But today I feel more able to fight and want to get through that day without purging
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I have only had one purge free day
And I have yet to gain and maintain any significant amount of weight
I have to admit that I am quite stuck
I am on the fence
Even though my life was a complete mess before I came here, there is still a part of me that wants to hold on to the ED
My ED would have believe that I am not that bad
That my case is not that serious
But deep down I know that that is my ED trying to lure me back in
She tells me that I don't deserve my place here in treatment
That I can function and still hold on to her
She tells me that my weight is not that low
That am not critical
She tells that I need to prove to others that I have an ED and can lose weight
That I need to live up to the title of 'anorectic'
I keep having to remind myself that I am 32
That I have been living this way for almost 14 years
That before I came in here I was purging 10 - 15 times day
That weight is not always an indicator of how ill we are
That they wouldn't have given me a place in treatment if they didn't think that I needed it
I keep having to remind myself that I am ill
I am struggling
I do have an eating disorder
And it is serious
I am not an anorectic imposter
I am not a fraud
I deserve to be here
Today I am trying
I am fighting
I am doing the opposite of my what my ED wants
Even though I feel so uncomfortable that I could burst
Even though all I want to do is purge
Even though I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and telling everyone to fuck off
Even though I want to crawl in to my bed and stay there forever
I am still going to try
I am treating today as an experiment
I will eat my meals and not purge and see what happens
I won't know unless I try right?
I won't know that recovery is like until I try
My ED will always be there
I can always go back to it
Recovery might not always be there
As I said we are kept very busy here
Today we had goals group, recreation and then we usually have CBT in the afternoon
And of course food
For breakfast we are expected to have cereal and bread or a cooked breakfast and bread
I usually opt for toast and an egg
For lunch we have either a starter and main or main and dessert
And for tea we have whatever is on with bread
Sometimes I feel like all I do is eat
For everyone else meals times are a break but for us it is a huge challenge
After every meal we have post meal group
This is where we can talk about our meals and if we had any difficulties
It's great for me because I need the extra support when I feel like purging
We are not made do anything here
We are not made eat
We are encouraged to take responsibility for our own actions
And I think it works better that way as when we go home we will have to do it ourselves
A journalist from the Daily Telegraph contacted me last week
She wanted to know of she could interview me for an article she is doing for Eating Disorder Awareness Week
The article will be published at the end of next month but I will let you know in advance when exactly that is
I hope you are all doing ok
I miss reading your blogs
Take care,
Your friend,
Ruby x
I've been meaning to post for ages but we are kept so busy here it's hard to find a quiet moment to write
At the time of writing my last post I was on threat of discharge for failing to meet my weight targets
The good news is that I did reach my target and even managed to get off bedrest
The bad news is that I did have some backlash from the weight gain
This past weekend was incredibly difficult and I purged quite a bit
This morning my weight was down 1kg
I was so disappointed because now I will probably be on bedrest again on Wednesday
I find motivation so hard to maintain
It comes and goes and waxes and wanes
Some days I wake up feeling so motivated and so hopeful
Like this morning
I had such a bad weekend and even felt like discharging myself
But today I feel more able to fight and want to get through that day without purging
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I have only had one purge free day
And I have yet to gain and maintain any significant amount of weight
I have to admit that I am quite stuck
I am on the fence
Even though my life was a complete mess before I came here, there is still a part of me that wants to hold on to the ED
My ED would have believe that I am not that bad
That my case is not that serious
But deep down I know that that is my ED trying to lure me back in
She tells me that I don't deserve my place here in treatment
That I can function and still hold on to her
She tells me that my weight is not that low
That am not critical
She tells that I need to prove to others that I have an ED and can lose weight
That I need to live up to the title of 'anorectic'
I keep having to remind myself that I am 32
That I have been living this way for almost 14 years
That before I came in here I was purging 10 - 15 times day
That weight is not always an indicator of how ill we are
That they wouldn't have given me a place in treatment if they didn't think that I needed it
I keep having to remind myself that I am ill
I am struggling
I do have an eating disorder
And it is serious
I am not an anorectic imposter
I am not a fraud
I deserve to be here
Today I am trying
I am fighting
I am doing the opposite of my what my ED wants
Even though I feel so uncomfortable that I could burst
Even though all I want to do is purge
Even though I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and telling everyone to fuck off
Even though I want to crawl in to my bed and stay there forever
I am still going to try
I am treating today as an experiment
I will eat my meals and not purge and see what happens
I won't know unless I try right?
I won't know that recovery is like until I try
My ED will always be there
I can always go back to it
Recovery might not always be there
As I said we are kept very busy here
Today we had goals group, recreation and then we usually have CBT in the afternoon
And of course food
For breakfast we are expected to have cereal and bread or a cooked breakfast and bread
I usually opt for toast and an egg
For lunch we have either a starter and main or main and dessert
And for tea we have whatever is on with bread
Sometimes I feel like all I do is eat
For everyone else meals times are a break but for us it is a huge challenge
After every meal we have post meal group
This is where we can talk about our meals and if we had any difficulties
It's great for me because I need the extra support when I feel like purging
We are not made do anything here
We are not made eat
We are encouraged to take responsibility for our own actions
And I think it works better that way as when we go home we will have to do it ourselves
A journalist from the Daily Telegraph contacted me last week
She wanted to know of she could interview me for an article she is doing for Eating Disorder Awareness Week
The article will be published at the end of next month but I will let you know in advance when exactly that is
I hope you are all doing ok
I miss reading your blogs
Take care,
Your friend,
Ruby x
Friday, 10 January 2014
One Week In
As the title suggests I am one week in to treatment
Everyone is telling me how this admission has to be different
Nothing changes if nothing changes
The number one offender remains
My old friend bulimia
She is proving to be stubborn beyond belief
It's a sad fact that purging has become such a normal part of my day
Just like brushing my teeth
I had a very interesting group this morning
I was told that I am keeping staff at arms length and not looking for support
It's true
I don't go to staff
I try to just struggle through it myself
I hate having to ask for help
I remember reading once that the three hardest things to say are:
I love you
I'm sorry
And help me
I can vouch for that
I miss blogging
I miss my home
I desperately miss my dogs
I keep leaving them
They must be so confused
My weight was down again this morning
Another loss and I will be on bedrest
I feel incredibly frustrated with myself
Why can't I do this?
Why am I content to live the half life that is this ED?
Why don't I want to live more?
I'm not giving up though
Not yet
I have eleven more weeks here
And it's never too late to start
I hope you all are ok
I hope you are fighting
Because none of us deserve a life half lived
None of us deserve the punishment we put ourselves through
I still firmly believe that there recovery is possible
Even for me
I am blessed to have a wonderful family
People who care about me
But it's time we started looking after ourselves
Ultimately it is down to us
As much as they would like to, our families can't do this for us
We have to find our own way
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a teenager anymore
And this is not my first rodeo
I don't have to prove to anyone that I have an eating disorder
Or that I can lose weight
We can all do that
I also don't have to live up to the title of anorectic
I don't have to justify my illness
You don't have to either
Take care,
Your friend,
Ruby x
Everyone is telling me how this admission has to be different
Nothing changes if nothing changes
The number one offender remains
My old friend bulimia
She is proving to be stubborn beyond belief
It's a sad fact that purging has become such a normal part of my day
Just like brushing my teeth
I had a very interesting group this morning
I was told that I am keeping staff at arms length and not looking for support
It's true
I don't go to staff
I try to just struggle through it myself
I hate having to ask for help
I remember reading once that the three hardest things to say are:
I love you
I'm sorry
And help me
I can vouch for that
I miss blogging
I miss my home
I desperately miss my dogs
I keep leaving them
They must be so confused
My weight was down again this morning
Another loss and I will be on bedrest
I feel incredibly frustrated with myself
Why can't I do this?
Why am I content to live the half life that is this ED?
Why don't I want to live more?
I'm not giving up though
Not yet
I have eleven more weeks here
And it's never too late to start
I hope you all are ok
I hope you are fighting
Because none of us deserve a life half lived
None of us deserve the punishment we put ourselves through
I still firmly believe that there recovery is possible
Even for me
I am blessed to have a wonderful family
People who care about me
But it's time we started looking after ourselves
Ultimately it is down to us
As much as they would like to, our families can't do this for us
We have to find our own way
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a teenager anymore
And this is not my first rodeo
I don't have to prove to anyone that I have an eating disorder
Or that I can lose weight
We can all do that
I also don't have to live up to the title of anorectic
I don't have to justify my illness
You don't have to either
Take care,
Your friend,
Ruby x
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Back to treatment
I'm heading back in to treatment tomorrow
I've been home for 3 weeks now
I had been dreading coming home
Mainly because I had a family wedding and we had people staying in our house all week
I wasn't planning on being here for any of it
But then I was discharged prematurely
I could have chosen not to go
But I wanted to be there
I was asked to do one of the readings at the mass
I agreed to do it but it caused me no end of anxiety
Even though it was just 3 lines, it was a huge ask for me
The wedding was on Saturday
We stayed in a hotel in town
I put on my glad rags and war paint and put on my best 'I'm fine' face
I was so nervous waiting to do my reading
I had my brother ready as a back up incase I completely crumbled and couldn't do it
Then it was my turn
Before I knew it, it was over and I was back at my seat
I did it
After the mass it was on to the reception in a restaurant
Glasses of champagne were being passed out
At first I refused
But then I took one for a bit of 'Dutch courage'
I drank it quickly and it went straight to my head
I had another
And another
I didn't get drunk
Just pleasantly merry
The meal was amazing
6 courses
I got through it by purging twice
I was so glad that I went to the wedding and didn't get home until 4am
It just goes to show
A lot of the time it's the thought of these things that is worse than the actual event itself
I won't get to blog now for a while
I had been seriously considering closing this blog
But I really don't want to do that
I will continue to write
But I want this to be a blog about recovery and hope
I don't want this to be a car-crash blog
It's a sad truth that the worse my life got, the more views my blog got
I'm not concerned with how many followers I get
I just want to be honest
I want to tell the truth about what it is like to live with an ED and addiction
An anonymous comment was left on my last post
Basically saying that it was selfish of me not to read or comment on others blogs and continue to write my own
I just want to clear that up
I will continue to write my own blog
But for my own sake I can't continue to read and comment on blogs that I find triggering
Is that selfish?
Maybe it is
But maybe I need to be a little bit selfish to help myself right now
However I will keep in contact with the girls who I have become close to
As I said I won't get to blog for a while now
In the mean time please take care of yourselves
Be kind and gentle with yourselves
Keep fighting
Don't let this thing define you
Don't let it break you
Don't wait to do something until it is too late
Don't let it kill you
With love,
Ruby x
Friday, 27 December 2013
Untitled
Christmas day came and went
Just like any other day
I made an effort to be a normal human being
I attended mass with my mother in the morning
I watched the local Christmas swim with my Dad and dogs
I helped out with the cooking
I made Eton mess for dessert
I resisted taking my meds until dinner was over
Bulimia was an unwelcome guest though
She managed to worm her way in and tried her damdest to ruin my day
Today I am trying to get back on track
Although my mood has dipped quite a lot
The next few days will be hard
I have a family wedding
Many lunches, dinners, drinks to follow in the next few days
If I thought about it too much I think I would crumble
Since coming home my mood has been good
Too good
I had almost convinced myself that things were going well
But now that I look back I can see I was slowly slipping over the last 2 weeks
My ED subtly creeping back in
Then yesterday I came down with a bang
It was like I was holding on for Christmas and then when it was over I plummeted back down earth
My weight had been dropping
But yesterday it went up
Albeit a very small amount but it still went up
I'm sure most people would be delighted to gain so little over the holidays
But here in ED-Land normal rules do not apply
I'm wondering if that it is why my mood dropped so much
It's always been intrinsically linked to my weight
I hate that
I hate that those little red numbers on my scale have such power over me
It makes me wonder how the hell I am going to allow myself to gain when I go back in to treatment
Imelda from the programme is ringing me on Monday
I'm half hoping she won't
I'm half hoping that everyone will forget all about it and I can continue on my journey in to oblivion
Sometimes I read blogs and I think to myself 'That poor girl, my heart breaks for her'
I get angry at how much some people have to suffer
I have to remind myself that I am one of those people
I am sick
I am unwell
I am struggling
I need help
It's not my job to save everyone else
I need to save myself
I've been thinking a lot about this blog
I've decided to keep writing for the moment but I won't be reading other blogs or commenting as much
Taking in everyone's struggles is just too much at the moment
I can just about deal with my own
Take care x
Just like any other day
I made an effort to be a normal human being
I attended mass with my mother in the morning
I watched the local Christmas swim with my Dad and dogs
I helped out with the cooking
I made Eton mess for dessert
I resisted taking my meds until dinner was over
Bulimia was an unwelcome guest though
She managed to worm her way in and tried her damdest to ruin my day
Today I am trying to get back on track
Although my mood has dipped quite a lot
The next few days will be hard
I have a family wedding
Many lunches, dinners, drinks to follow in the next few days
If I thought about it too much I think I would crumble
Since coming home my mood has been good
Too good
I had almost convinced myself that things were going well
But now that I look back I can see I was slowly slipping over the last 2 weeks
My ED subtly creeping back in
Then yesterday I came down with a bang
It was like I was holding on for Christmas and then when it was over I plummeted back down earth
My weight had been dropping
But yesterday it went up
Albeit a very small amount but it still went up
I'm sure most people would be delighted to gain so little over the holidays
But here in ED-Land normal rules do not apply
I'm wondering if that it is why my mood dropped so much
It's always been intrinsically linked to my weight
I hate that
I hate that those little red numbers on my scale have such power over me
It makes me wonder how the hell I am going to allow myself to gain when I go back in to treatment
Imelda from the programme is ringing me on Monday
I'm half hoping she won't
I'm half hoping that everyone will forget all about it and I can continue on my journey in to oblivion
Sometimes I read blogs and I think to myself 'That poor girl, my heart breaks for her'
I get angry at how much some people have to suffer
I have to remind myself that I am one of those people
I am sick
I am unwell
I am struggling
I need help
It's not my job to save everyone else
I need to save myself
I've been thinking a lot about this blog
I've decided to keep writing for the moment but I won't be reading other blogs or commenting as much
Taking in everyone's struggles is just too much at the moment
I can just about deal with my own
Take care x
Monday, 23 December 2013
I promise you
Monday again
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I over indulged on my meds last week leaving me with nothing for Sunday
I didn't sleep a wink last night
I stayed up all night chain smoking and drinking endless cups of hot, sweet tea
I watched the movie Never Let Me Go
Perfect for an insomniac with too much time to think
I dragged my weary carcass out of my bed at 8am to go to the doctor
The first thing I noticed when I sat down was his Christmas tie
When I complimented him on it he proudly pressed a button and lights lit up on it and festive music played
I had to laugh as the music continued to play as he tried to discuss serious medical matters
The first thing he asked me was how I had got on with less sleeping tablets
I guess a face that hasn't slept paints a thousand words
I explained how I hadn't slept last night (true)
And how my sleep hadn't been great during the week (false)
So he agreed to keep me on the sleeping tablets
For now
I remarked how he had probably noticed that I am very resistant to coming off any meds
He said he had
How could he not?
He said that people are put on meds in hospital and then never come off them
That would be fine with me because the truth is I am freakin' terrified of coming off any of my meds
Especially the methadone
I'm on it 10 long years now I don't remember life without it
Even this morning, after not having it for 48 hours, I could feel the withdrawal setting in
The dull ache in my bones
The sweats
And that scares the be-Jesus out of
You would think that it would scare me in the direction of wanting to come off it
But it makes me want to stay on it even more
I had an extremely vivid drug using dream last week
It's a recurring dream
In the dream I inject myself
The thought of going back to that life is beyond frightening
I would rather die
Anyway back to the matter at hand
It's Christmas time
A veritable nightmare for an anorectic
And for a bulimic?
Well, it makes for a binge filled holiday week
I am half dreading, half looking forward to Christmas
We also have a family wedding on the 28th so there will be mucho family event, lunches, dinners, drinks etc
If I thought about it too much I would crawl in to my bed with a bottle of vodka and not get up until February
I'm trying to use the skills I learned in hospital to help me through
I'm not going to put pressure on myself
I'm going to do as much or as little as I can
I'll join in
I'll help with Christmas dinner
I'll attend the wedding
But I won't be pushing myself beyond what I feel comfortable doing
It sounds a bit selfish
A bit self serving
But it's the only way I am going to get through the next two weeks
I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more
So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
Today
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Stop
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you
I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But while I was in hospital I got a glimpse of myself with my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too
Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you
With love,
Ruby x
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I over indulged on my meds last week leaving me with nothing for Sunday
I didn't sleep a wink last night
I stayed up all night chain smoking and drinking endless cups of hot, sweet tea
I watched the movie Never Let Me Go
Perfect for an insomniac with too much time to think
I dragged my weary carcass out of my bed at 8am to go to the doctor
The first thing I noticed when I sat down was his Christmas tie
When I complimented him on it he proudly pressed a button and lights lit up on it and festive music played
I had to laugh as the music continued to play as he tried to discuss serious medical matters
The first thing he asked me was how I had got on with less sleeping tablets
I guess a face that hasn't slept paints a thousand words
I explained how I hadn't slept last night (true)
And how my sleep hadn't been great during the week (false)
So he agreed to keep me on the sleeping tablets
For now
I remarked how he had probably noticed that I am very resistant to coming off any meds
He said he had
How could he not?
He said that people are put on meds in hospital and then never come off them
That would be fine with me because the truth is I am freakin' terrified of coming off any of my meds
Especially the methadone
I'm on it 10 long years now I don't remember life without it
Even this morning, after not having it for 48 hours, I could feel the withdrawal setting in
The dull ache in my bones
The sweats
And that scares the be-Jesus out of
You would think that it would scare me in the direction of wanting to come off it
But it makes me want to stay on it even more
I had an extremely vivid drug using dream last week
It's a recurring dream
In the dream I inject myself
The thought of going back to that life is beyond frightening
I would rather die
Anyway back to the matter at hand
It's Christmas time
A veritable nightmare for an anorectic
And for a bulimic?
Well, it makes for a binge filled holiday week
I am half dreading, half looking forward to Christmas
We also have a family wedding on the 28th so there will be mucho family event, lunches, dinners, drinks etc
If I thought about it too much I would crawl in to my bed with a bottle of vodka and not get up until February
I'm trying to use the skills I learned in hospital to help me through
I'm not going to put pressure on myself
I'm going to do as much or as little as I can
I'll join in
I'll help with Christmas dinner
I'll attend the wedding
But I won't be pushing myself beyond what I feel comfortable doing
It sounds a bit selfish
A bit self serving
But it's the only way I am going to get through the next two weeks
I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more
So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
Today
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Stop
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you
I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But while I was in hospital I got a glimpse of myself with my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too
Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you
With love,
Ruby x
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