Moving on

As I wrote a few posts back
I have put all my 'anorectic' clothes away
I haven't mustered up the courage to give them away
But they are hidden away, gathering dust, at the back of my wardrobe
It was a sad event putting them away
I'm not sure why
Maybe because I saying goodbye to the girl that I was
That scared lonely girl
I'm not that girl anymore
I have taken back control of my life
I am not living life on anorexia's terms
I'm living the life I want to live
I acknowledge my past
But I don't dwell on it
I think about the future
But it doesn't frighten my any more
I happy to live in the now
To be present right at this very moment

Before writing this post
It crossed my mind that it would be lovely to sleep for the day
And I was tempted to take more meds
But as I popping the pills out of the blister pack
I stopped myself
What would this achieve?
I would miss the whole day
And then I would have no meds for tomorrow
So I stuffed them back in
And walked away
If only I could be this sensible all the time

Because I have been re-gaining weight
I have found that the most comfortable clothes are those with an elastic waist band
So I have been wearing a lot of leggings and loose trousers
Yesterday in town I picked up a few bits
Here they are........

White t-shirt (Essential for summer) Dorothy Perkins
Pink, black and white trousers, River Island (So comfortable)

Black, white and orange trousers - River Island

Mint green hoody -  Billabong

Blue and white top - Dorothy Perkins
Blue jeans - G star (Have had  these for years but they rarely fit me so it's nice that they do now, I love them)

Do you have a favourite item of clothing for summer?

As good as it gets

Before I got my teeth done yesterday
I saw Mary
It was another long and challenging session
I am always tempted to cancel
But I went
First of all I was honest with her
And told her that I was finding it difficult to come to therapy
She asked why
I told her I didn't want to have to deal with my issues
I was quite happy being a veritable duck
Calm on serene on the outside
But panicking beneath the surface

Mary asked me identify the things that I was avoiding
That was easy
I know that the thing I should talk about
Is the one thing I don't want to talk about
I identified sleep
Food
And relationships with others
My sleep is a disaster
My food is a bigger disaster
And having issues with my friend is causing me no end of stress

I told Mary that I think this is as well as I am going to get
That I could probably go no further than this in my recovery
She disputed this
She asked me if 6 months ago I would have thought that I could get here
I said no
So she said that I can go further
I can achieve full recovery
I am not sure about this
I'm not sure if I have more in me
Maybe this is as good as it gets for me?
I don't know

I told Mary about saving Honey
She asked me if I could have done that 6 months ago
The honest answer is that I couldn't
I wouldn't have had t he strength
Or the where with all to do that
It's a scary thought
And it shows me how far I have come

I've always thought of recovery from an eating disorder or addiction to that of taming a wild animal
You can train it
You can manage it
 But there always the possibility that it will bite you

So I guess that is the ultimate question for us eating disordered folk
So de we ever fully recover?
I know quite a few people with EDs in real life
Some are still very much struggling
Some are doing ok
And some are doing really well
I guess recovery is different for everyone
It means something different to every recovering person
For me getting my teeth done was a huge mile stone
A major part of recovery
I'm sure that wouldn't be the same for everyone

So what does recovery mean to me?
Well it means that I am as well as I can possibly be at any given time
It means that I don't hate myself any more
And am even starting to like myself
It means that I stop punishing myself
And forgive myself
It means that food is not a mine field
I eat regularly
And purging is kept to a minimum
It means that I am not obsessed with weight and shape
I don't weigh myself all the time
It means that I don't measure my worth is pounds and ounces
That I have peace of mind
It means that I am able to handle life's challenges with resorting to destructive behaviours
It means that I don't shop lift
That I do the right thing even when no one is watching
Recovery means that I  live life
Not just exist in this half life
It means that I can do the things that I want to do
And anxiety and depression don't rule me
Recovery means that I have a small circle of close friends
It means that I am comfortable in my own skin
That I can go anywhere in the world and be happy to be me
It means not worrying my family
Taking care of myself
Physically
Mentally
And spiritually
It means waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day
It means knowing that I am a worth while person
That I know that I deserve recovery
And happiness
And most importantly it means wanting to live

I was wondering about you
Do you think that we ever fully recover?
What does recovery mean to you?

Day 1, New teeth

So today was the day
Step one of getting my new crowns for my teeth
Today I had short term temporary crowns fitted on my upper seven teeth
They will last 2-3 months
When they will be replaced by long term temporary crowns
These will last 7-8 months
After that the permanent crowns will be fitted
It's a long and expensive process
But my family and I agree that it will be worth
For my confidence and self esteem alone

My appointment was at 2pm today
I was so excited
But I completely underestimated what a long and uncomfortable process it would be
First impressions were taken of my teeth
Then my teeth had to be filed down
Until they were little more than stumps
This took almost an hour
And I got such a fright when I put my hand to my teeth
There were just shards of my teeth left
There was no going back now
Then the crowns were shaped to fit my teeth
This took another solid hour
All in all the process took two and a half hours
With only one short toilet break
I am pretty pleased with the result
I now feel that I can smile without feeling self conscious
And this is an important step in my recovery

Of course now it is my responsibility to look after them
I need to cut down my smoking
And tea drinking
And of course purging
I think having nice teeth is incentive enough

Anyway
On to the photos

Before (At home)

This is what years of bulimia does

After

Smiling confidentially for the first time in years

We are family

As you may or may not know
I am the youngest of four
I have 2 older sisters
And an older brother
My parents split up when I was 19
And that was when myself and my mother moved to this current house
I won't go in to the details of what went on in my house when I was growing up
As I do't really like to write about my family here on this blog
But I will say that it was not a happy place to be
And all us kids moved out the first chance we got

2000 was a really tough year
I had just become addicted to heroin
I had moved away with my boyfriend
And then promptly moved back home when that fell apart
Being at home was horrible
My parents fought endlessly and I was caught in the middle
It all came to a head one day
And me and my mother moved out
We really had no where to go
So we booked in to a hotel
I was due to start a job in Dublin the next day
I didn't want to leave my mother alone
So I commuted the two and half journey every day
That plus a growing drug problem meant life was becoming unmanageable

My job was in the bank
I had dropped out of college so my family thought that that was a respectable job
I hated it
Every evening after work I walked to a certain part of Dublin to buy my drugs
Still in my bank uniform
Then took the drugs in the train bathroom on the way home

After a week in the hotel
My mother and I found a rented house and moved in
It wasn't far from my family home
But we had to stay in town as my mother worked there
It was very strange
But I was so pre-occupied with my addiction that it didn't really matter where I was

The next few years were a nightmare
My drug use spun out of control
My mother's father became ill and she was constantly on the road to take care of him
I lost all dignity and self respect
And became a fully fledged addict
I look back on photos of me at that time
So pale and gaunt and lost
Other members of my family were also battling addiction and our house became like a circus
People in and out all the time
Sometimes I would get myself together for a few weeks
But I always went back to the drug
Al ways

Anyway
This post was supposed to be about my parents separation
To be honest I was glad that they split up
They are much better off apart
It was an acrimonious split to say the least
And for the longest time they couldn't be in the same room as each other
I wasn't really close to any of my family growing up
I spent a lot of time out side of my house and in friends houses
It wasn't until I became ill that I began to get close to my family

The first time I was admitted to hospital
My Dad drove the hour and a half journey to see me every day
He sat and read his paper
While I wrote or slept
He always brought me magazines and my favourite chocolate
I began to form a relationship with him
For the first time in my life

I also began to get close to my mother
We had a rocky relationship over the years
I think it's fair to say that she bore the brunt of my drug use
She was the closest to me
So she inevitably got hurt the most

In 2004 my mother and I moved here
My mother bought a house near the town where she grew up
By now things had improved between my parents
In a way my addiction and illness brought the family together
Even though to begin with it tore us apart
It was great to be in a new place
No one knew us
It was a fresh start
My Mother still worked in our old town so
So she stayed in my Dad's house during the week
And he came up here and stayed with me as I was so ill I needed someone around
So yes, they swapped houses
Sounds strange
But it works for them

Now 15 years after they split
My parents have quite a good relationship
We all spend Christmas and birthdays as a family
My father is welcome here any time
Things are good
It took a long time to get here
But we got here
Eventually

I was wondering about you
Are your parents together/divorced/separated?
How do you feel about it?

Sleep and teeth

So I have recovered from the drama that was saving my dog yesterday
Honey is completely oblivious to that fact that she very nearly drowned
I on the other hand took a bit longer to recover
I didn't go out to dinner with my family
And spent the evening on the couch wrapped in a blanket

My sleep in still all over the place
I haven't gone to bed the last two nights
And just got a couple of hours on the couch
I don't know why I am doing this
Deliberately depriving myself of sleep
I know I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night
So I try and get myself as tired as possible so I will definitely sleep
This harks back to my drug using days
On the days that I didn't have any drugs
I wouldn't sleep a wink at night
And those nights were just awful
No drugs means going in to withdrawal
It's physical and mental torture
And everything seems worse at night
When I was on my own
I would sink so low
And get so little sleep
That I thought I was losing my marbles
So ever since then I have had a fear of not being able to sleep
And have gone to many lengths to make sure that I do sleep

There's also another reason that I do this
I like to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any given time?
Why? I hear you cry
Well there are two reasons
The first is that it reminds me of being on heroin
And the second is that being able to sleep at any time
Means that I can opt out of life/reality any time
So I guess there are reasons that I do this
I really do worry about myself sometimes

                                                                     -

I went to my cookery class today
It was a big effort to go
But I got there
There was just 3 of us there today
We made spaghetti bolognase
I love this dinner
But it is something that I never keep down                  
Making the meal was nice and relaxed
We chatted and looked through cookery books
I wondered why the other people were there
They all have some mental health issues
Just like me

I started to get anxious as we were plating up
I gave myself a small portion
But even as I was eating it
I was planning to purge it straight afterwards
Which I did

                                                                      -

I go to the dentist tomorrow to start my dental work
I am super excited
Tomorrow I get temporary crowns put in
Across my front seven teeth
They will stay there until I get permanent ones fitted in a few months time
This is a really huge deal to get my teeth done
They really are in a sorry state
Broken
Chipped
Rotten
I actually have very few teeth left at all
I guess years of rinsing my teeth in stomach acid has not helped
I will let you know how it goes

Saving Honey

It was yesterday
We had all planned to go for dinner that evening
So my father came down in the afternoon
We had a few hours to kill until dinner
So he and I decided to take the dogs down to the lake for a swim
As it was quite a warm day
Nothing out of the ordinary there
We piled Honey and Lea in to the car
And off we went

We parked in the little car park
And set off for the forest walk leading down to the lake
I only ever put the dogs on their leads if we are walking on the road
As they are usually very good at staying close by

We walked through the woods
Me and my Dad chatting
And the dogs mooching around
We reached the lake
There were a good few people around
My Dad went to find a stick for Honey
And I brought Lea down to the lake
So she could go for a dip

A few minutes later Dad followed me with Honey and a handful of sticks
I began to throw them for Honey
She doesn't usually go in to the water
But if you throw a stick for her she will

This part of the  lake is almost enclosed
There is a pier jutting out
Then an opening out in to rest of the lake
I was throwing sticks and Honey and was swimming for them
And bringing them back
She loves this game
Then I threw the stick out particularly far
I didn't mean to
But the stick was light
It almost reached the other side
Honey started to swim out
I kept a close eye on her as it was quite a long swim to the stick

Then I noticed that the stick had sank in to the water
And Honey couldn't find it
She swam around in circles looking for it
And eventually she found something similar
A reed that was growing from the bottom of the lake
She grabbed the reed in her mouth
And tried to swim back over
But of course because the reed was growing
It wouldn't come with her
So Honey was left treading water

I thought she would realise that she couldn't bring the reed with her
But as stubborn as she is
She kept trying and trying
By this stage she looked like she was starting to struggle
But she still wouldn't give up trying to bring the reed back
A woman with children came over to me and said 'I think your dog is in trouble'
I was now starting to get worried
So I dropped the leads and began to sprint over to the other side of the lake
It must have taken me less than a minute
But it seemed to take forever
I was just hoping and praying that she would still be there by the time I got to her
I could hear my Dad and Lea coming behind me
I reached the other side of the lake
And Honey was still struggling
'Will I go in?' I shouted to my Dad
'Yes do' he shouted back
So I quickly took off my hoodie and shoes
And headed for the water in my jeans and t-shirt
I crawled down the rocks in to the water
I kept gasping as the cold water hit my body
But I kept going
I had to get to Honey
By now her head was beginning to go under
And yet she still wouldn't let go of the reed

I waded through the water
Then all of a sudden it got extremely deep
And I had to start to swim
It only took me seconds to reach her
I grabbed her either side
And thankfully she let go of the reed
I turned around
Kicking my legs in the breast stroke
And trying to keep Honey's head above the water
This was not easy
I reached the rocks again
And my Dad took Honey by the collar and pulled her up on to the grass
Phew, she was safe
I stretched out my hand and my Dad pulled me up to
All  the people around began to clap

I sat on the grass and tried to get my breath back
I couldn't quite believe what had just happened
I have been to this lake hundreds of times
And nothing like this had ever happened before
Honey was fine
She shook the water from her fur
And carried on as if nothing had happened

I squeezed out my soaking clothes and hair
Picked up my things
And began to walk back to the car
Thankfully we didn't meet too many people on the way
Although I did get a few odd glances
I lit a much needed cigarette

By this stage I was starting to feel cold
The water had been freezing
And I had no towel or anything in my car
We reached the car and set off for home
My mother was sitting in the back garden when we pulled in
When she saw me she started to laugh and said 'Oh my God, did you fall in?'
'Not exactly' I replied
And filled her in on what had happened
The thing is that I always knew that I would have to do that at some stage
I'm just glad it was Honey and not Lea
Lea weighs over 5 stone
And saving her from the water would be no easy feat

I went inside and peeled off all my wet clothes
And jumped in to a hot shower
The hot water felt so lovely after being in a cold and dirty lake
I put on some fresh clothes
And made myself a hot cup of sweet tea

I replayed the events over and over in my head
Something just took over when I saw Honey struggling
I didn't think about myself
All I knew was that I had to get her out of there
I imagine that is what a mother's instinct feels like
I wish I had some photos to show you
But it all happened so fast that there just wasn't time

So all was well at the end of the day
Honey took to her bed after her little adventure
And I spent the evening on the couch trying to get warm
There's never a dull moment when you have two dogs around..........

As if nothing had happened

Labels

For the longest time I defined myself by the labels that had been put on me by the professionals
Drug addict
Eating disordered
Anorectic
Bulimic
Depressive
Anxious
I was little more than a collection of diagnosis
A bundle of medical terms
Somehow I got lost in the midst of these labels

The drugs came first
I was 14 when I took drugs for the first time
Now that seems so very young
My nephew is 14 next month
And I can't imagine him using drugs
It's extremely young
I was in such a hurry to grow up
I did every thing at a very young age
Drinking
Drugging
Losing my virginity
All these rites of passage that were boxes that needed to be ticked

The drugs got out of hand very quickly
And everything spun out of control
But I was in denial
I truly believed that I could stop when ever I wanted to
I  just didn't want to

I deliberately sough out people who were known drug users
The boy I had a crush on fascinated me because he was known to use a lot of drugs
It was almost like I wanted to be an addict
I wanted to live life on the edge
I was seduced by the drama
Life in the fast lane
I wanted to push the boundaries
Rebel I guess
But heroin is a powerful drug
It brings grown men to their knees
So you can imagine what it did to a naive young girl like me

All the while I was using drugs
My eating disorder was silently developing
I went in to hospital to do my first drug detox when I was 19
I had stopped eating completely by this stage
It was then that I was told that I had anorexia
I refused to believe it
I refused to acknowledge that not only did I have a serious drug problem
But I had an eating disorder too
I was heavily in denial
And did every thing I could to convince myself, staff and my family that I was ok
Even though my weight was incredibly low
Even though I was purging
And hiding food in my locker
I just couldn't get my head around it
I was supposed to go to a treatment centre after I was detoxed
But they refused to take me due to my failing physical health
I was discharged from hospital
And relapsed just hours later

I continued on using and not eating for the next few years
In 2004 I went to London to do a detox before going in to treatment in Dublin
In the treatment centre I was again told that I had anorexia
This time I couldn't really deny it
As there was a girl there who also had an ED
And I was just like her
It was a relief to finally admit it
But it was yet another label

It is only now years later that I am beginning to see that I am more than these labels
And they don't define me
They are not who I am
They are who I was
Today I am much more
I am a daughter
A sister
An auntie
A dog owner
A writer
A reader
A dancer
A friend
A music lover
So many things

It is only now that I am getting to know myself
My likes and dislikes
My opinions and views
What makes me tick
Growing up and all through my addiction
I didn't know myself at all
I didn't know what music I liked
What clothes I liked
Nothing
I was so eager to be liked and accepted
That I liked whatever you liked
I wore the clothes I saw you wearing
I agreed with you
Never disagreed with you
I changed myself to fit in with who ever I was it
I had no clue who Ruby is

I guess it is fun and exciting to find out who I am
I know a few things about myself
That I adore animals
I love to dance
And write
And read
I have a dark sense of humour
And can be very sarcastic
I love clothes
It's only very recently that I found my own style
Before then I just wore what I saw you wearing
Now I know that I like surfer type clothes
Colourful hoodies
Skinny jeans
Leggings
I paint my finger nails bright colours
Dye my hair blonde
And wear very little make up

Now I know that I like to around people that make me laugh
I used to be a night owl
Now I am a morning person
I am a tea drinker rather than a coffee drinker
I love spicy food
I like to cook
Bring my dogs for long walks on the beach
I know that I need to write for my own sanity
That I am too soft for my own good
I am a people pleaser
That one is hard to get rid of
As I have got older I have mellowed a lot
I used to be quite volatile and loved an argument
Now I know that I don't need to fight to be heard
And you catch more flies with honey
I now know what music I like
What films I want to see
I know that I now want to live
I am sick and tired of living a half life

There is still loads to find out
And I intend to have a lot of fun finding these things out



What about you
Do you think that you know yourself well?
Have you been defined by labels in your life?