Is this recovery?

The lovely A left a very thought provoking comment on my last post
Here is part of it

Because lately you do write about recovery, but I still.... wonder.... cause you never eat a normal meal. What does recovery mean then? Just a little weight gain?
And, the other side is that your body really needed the weight, you could've died. But .... all of this sometimes seems to gloss over the other sticky parts... 
And the purging 's got to stop. For your beautiful new teeth, but far more for your health. You're still at risk, when purging so often. (and yes, I do have the experience to tell you this). And because you're so aware of your changing body, you should realise this... purging (and laxatives too) are the biggest causes for a body to not know where it's at...

A makes a very good point
I claim to be in recovery
But am I really?
I have admit
That A's comment is not the first time that I have been aware of this
I wonder if I am in recovery all the time
Or am I just fooling myself?
Do I claim to be in recovery just because I have gained weight?
Because the prospect of having an anorectic mind in a healthy body is too much to bear?
Am I still an active bulimic?

Because I do purge
Every day if I am honest
I don't eat regular meals
Yes, things have vastly improved in the last few months
I was literally binging and purging all day every day
My weight was pitiful
And I thought that was just the way things were
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could improve
But they have
And now I am the best I have been in years
But is it enough?
Can I have more?

I had this conversation with Mary recently
I told her that I thought that this was as good as it gets for me
She told me that I could have more
That my recovery could be more fulfilling
But the truth is that I don't think that I will ever fully recover
The best I can hope for is a pro-longed remission
I've always described recovery from an eating disorder like taming a wild animal
You can train it
And manage it

You can live a relatively safe life with it

But there is always the possibility that it will bite you

I know that I have a lot of work to do

And I do appreciate A being honest with me

True friends will always tell the truth

No matter how hard it is to hear

I have only just begun my road to recovery

I know that it won't be easy

I know that slips and relapses are part and parcel of it

I will continue to fight for the life I so desperately want

I will continue to fight against this cruel illness

I won't let it beat me

I won't let it take another year, month, day of my life

I want to live the best life that I can

I was wondering about you

What does recovery mean to you?

How do you know when you are in recovery?

I'd love to know

Weight Gain In Recovery

I've been doing some reading about weight gain in recovery
As I have been feeling quite uncomfortable in my own skin lately
It seems that it takes the weight gain a while to settle down
And distribute around the body
It can go to one place eg the stomach in my case, at first
Before it evens out around the body
It also seems that the body can over shoot it's set point at first
Meaning that I may gain more than I need to
But that will also settle down
And the body will find it's own set point naturally
This eases my mind some
I am quite self conscious at the moment
It's just so noticeable that I have gained weight
And it seems people like to comment on it

I was out in my local village with my sister yesterday
I ran in to a guy that I haven't seen in a few months
He told me that I looked great
And  that I had 'filled out'
I wanted to punch him in the face
But I resisted as I am not a violent person
When I got home the same guy texted me that I look 'fantastic'
God how I wish I could see what everyone else sees
In my eyes I look so out of proportion
So top heavy
Like a big square with little arms and legs sticking out
But I have faith that my body find it's natural weight
I really do

I spoke with my sister about the weight gain
She said that if I stopped eating crisps and chocolate
That I might stop gaining weight
This is true
I do substitute crisps and chocolate for food
I need to stop doing that
I need to eat normal food
Breakfast
Lunch
And dinner
That's what normal people do right?

In other news
I am heading to London tomorrow for two weeks
So I may not get to blog as much
But I will keep you updated as much as I can
Part of me is looking forward to it
Part of me is dreading it
I thought about not going
But this is the only holiday I will get this year
So I will take it when I can

Packing has been a nightmare
I've had to resort to trying on all  my clothes to see what fits me
It just so disappointing when I try on the green jeans I bought just weeks ago
And now the zip won't do up
I didn't even get to wear them once

Oh and I got my teeth done again
I now have the ling term temporary crowns that will last about 10 months
I had another marathon session in the dentists
It really is torture
I hate it
But the final result was really worth it

Here they are in all their glory......

Reading about recovery

Thank you all for your comments on my last post
You made a lot of good points
And made a lot of sense
My writing, my blog and my state of mind has changed a lot over the past few months
There has been so much change
And it's been tricky to adjust to that
So I'm sure some readers maybe didn't like the change
I was so entrenched in my eating disorder
It was all I wrote about
Day in
Day out
My life had shrunk to just me and my ED
It was all consuming

Now things are different here, over in eating disorder land
I have dipped my toe in to recovery
And have found that maybe, just maybe
There is a way out for me
At the moment I am writing a lot about the things I am doing now I am trying recover
Maybe some people don't want to read that
Maybe people liked reading about my struggles because it is more interesting that reading about recovery
Maybe readers who followed my blog from the start, can't relate to me anymore
Maybe it's upsetting for them to read about some one in recovery

It makes me sad to think that people would rather read about the negative
Rather than the positive
I realise that reading about the extreme highs and lows of life with an ED can make for more dramatic and interesting reading
Recovery can be boring
It can be monotonous
So I understand if that's why some people unfollowed me

But I have to write what is real to me
And at the moment my life revolves around trying to get well
I used to engage in behaviours and write about them
I guess it does make for juicy reading
But why do we want to read about the bad rather than the good?
I say we because I include myself in that too
I have been guilty of being a voyeur
Of watching someone's life implode
And feeling not so alone
And reassured that my life wasn't that bad
Now I tend to read more recovery based blogs
Because I can relate to them more
Reading about weight loss and dieting is just too triggering for me at the moment
There is so much negativity on the internet
It's so refreshing to read something positive

Maybe some people just can't relate to me any more
And that's why they have unfollowed me
I get that
Now that I am trying to recover
I have stopped reading blogs that I find triggering or upsetting
It was a hard thing to do
As I really cared for some of these people
But I have to do what is right for me and my recovery
They say you have to be a lit selfish in recovery
Maybe selfish is the wrong word
You have to look after yourself
And put your needs first
I find this incredibly hard to do
I am always thinking of others
And tend to put my own needs last
But again that is people pleasing
And that is absolutely exhausting
I have to do what is right for me
I have to make sure that I am ok

I guess my ego is a little bruised
I took the unfollows quite personally
I am very open on this blog
I really don't hide anything apart from my real name and my weight
Because I think it's nice to keep something for myself
But apart from that nothing is off limits
Maybe that is putting myself in a vulnerable position
But I know no other way
I need to be honest
And don't see the point is sugar coating things
Eating disorders are a life and death issue
It's that serious

I suppose I can get caught up in the stats of this blog
The amount of followers and hits I get
I think it's because I can get obsessive about numbers
Why?
I'm not so sure
At the end of the day
I am just glad to have people who read these words
And leave comments of hope and love

For those who have stuck by me through thick and thin (literally)
For those who leave comments and emails
For those who wish me well
And cheer me on as I try to recover
For those who are silent readers
And those who are genuinely happy for me
I thank you
Sincerely
And from the bottom of my heart
I won't name you all
You know who you are
It makes my heart swell to know that people are reading
And taking the time to leave some love
Your beautiful words give me faith in humanity
They truly make my day
So thank you to you
And you
And you
And you.........


I was wondering about you
Do you prefer to read about life with an eating disorder?
Or life recovering?
And why?

Unfollowed

I've noticed that in the last couple of weeks
Some readers have unfollowed me
I am wondering why this is
Is because I am dipping my toe in to recovery?
Do some people not want to read about that?
Is it because I have offended or upset someone?
Is because you don't like me or my writing?

It's not the end of the world that I've been unfollowed
But I am curious as to the reasons why
I know I've unfollowed blogs in the past
Mostly because I had out grown them
Or they were very triggering
Or they had stopped posting
What ever the reason
A person has every right to unfollow if they so choose
But me being me
I am wondering if I have done something to make these people unfollow me

I was wondering about you
Why would you unfollow a blog?
Are you upset or curious if someone unfollows you?
Have you unfollowed this blog?
What were your reasons
I'd love to know 

Dublin, Part 2

Of course just because I was on holiday
It doesn't mean that my eating disorder was
I tried to leave her behind
But she stowed away in my luggage
And made many unwelcome appearances
The tricky thing about being away and having bulimia
Is that you inevitably end up having to purge in public bathrooms
Of restaurants etc
I had to purge in many over the two days I was away
Thankfully I am quick and quiet
But it's still not ideal having to do it

Yesterday we having dinner before we left
I had bangers and mash
And as I was still chewing the last mouthful
I was on my way to the bathroom
Telling everyone I was going for a smoke
When I got to the bathroom
There were two women in there
But I was so full
I felt like I was going to burst
So I went in to the cubicle
Locked the door
Rolled up my sleeves
Took off my jewellry
Tied back my hair
And purged
I didn't care that there were people just outside the door
I couldn't stand that full feeling a second longer
When I came out
One of the women kept glancing at me
Does she know what I just did?
If she does
I don't care
I'm  never going to see her again
What she thinks doesn't bother me

My Dad came with us on the trip
I hadn't seen him in a few weeks
When he saw me
He commented that I look very 'healthy'
He said it was great to see me looking so well
I was chatting with him later in the day
He told me that he used to dread coming to see me
As he never knew what state I would be in
I thought this was really sad
I forget that my ED effects a lot more people than me
Like ripples in a pond it touches everyone in my life
To a lesser or greater extent
I guess when I got sick
My whole family got sick too

My sister and I did some shopping in Dublin
My mother told me that she thinks I have a shopping addiction
She is not wrong
It's just another thing I use to escape reality
I can't help it
When I see an amazing pair of jeans
Or a lovely pair of boots
I think that my life would be complete if I had them
I would be happy if I had them
I would feel more confident if I had them
All my problems would be solved
If I just had those boots
But I bring them home
Wear them a few times
Get bored of them
And then spot something else new to buy
I love clothes
But it's an expensive habit
I always argue that I could be spending my money on worse things
But in reality I know I buy way too many clothes

I'm going to London for two weeks on Monday with my mother
I am slightly anxious about it
It's just really hard to have an ED in someone else's house
And there is only one bathroom in the house I'll be staying in
My plan is to eat small manageable portions
And try and avoid purging as much as possible

I'm a bit uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment
I have no idea what I weigh
But there is a lot of me right now
My boobs have grown considerably bigger
And I just don't know what to do with them
Do I strap them down?
Or buy a wonder-bra and put them on show
Also I have a lot of curves now
Sometimes I like them and I embrace them
But then I see a skinny girl
And suddenly pine for my 'skinny days'
Part of me thinks that if I lost just a few pounds
Then I would be happy
But I know that is dangerous territory
I know that is asking for trouble
So I will just ride it out
And hope that my weight settles down
I'm sure it will

Here are some more photos from Dublin...........

We all bought onsies

Natural History Museum

Dublin, Part 1

I spent the past couple of days in Dublin with my family
It is my nephew's 14th birthday soon
So it was a treat for him
I haven't been to Dublin in a long time
I did a lot of my using there
And since I have gotten clean
I rarely venture up there
Because it has so many bad memories
Because I don't want to be reminded of that time
Because I am afraid I will be triggered
But I was with my family so I felt safe

We packed a lot in to the two days
Museums
Galleries
Shopping
Restaurants
Cinema (Planet of the apes, my nephew's choice)
But to be honest
I found being there really quite upsetting
Where as my family saw shops and buildings and architecture
I saw the homeless and junkies and vagrants
Where they saw buskers and street artists
I saw beggars
Where they saw money and wealth
I saw poverty
Where they saw palaces of interest
I saw places where I used
Where I bought drugs
And took drugs
I can't help but see Dublin through those eyes

One very upsetting incident happened when we were walking down Grafton Street
Which is one of the main shopping streets
We noticed a crowd gathered
And walked over to see what it was
A young girl had collapsed in the street
From looking at her
I guesses it was drugs
It was just so distressing to see her
And it brought back so many memories of when things like that happened to me
I was that girl
The girl who looks dishevelled
Eyes pinned
Completely oblivious to what is going on around her
Someone called for an ambulance
It came with in minutes
I hoped and prayed that she would be ok

One other upsetting thing was the amount of homeless people
They were everywhere
And me being me
And knowing what it feels like to have no where to go
And to feel invisible
I had to speak to them
Just to show them that someone cares
That they are not invisible
I spoke to 3 people
The first was a man in Temple Bar
He was writing on the ground with chalk
It read

'I was once just like you
With a home, a job and things to do
But homelessness came and took that away
Now I am on my knees asking for your help today'

I threw him some money and he asked me where he was from
I told him and asked him about himself
He told me that he sleeps in doorways
That he doesn't use the hostels because they are drug ridden
We shook hands
And I moved on
I wonder where he will sleep tonight

The second girl I spoke to was also writing on the ground
I could tell by looking at her eyes that she was on heroin
So instead of giving her money
I gave her some food
She began to cry as we spoke
It was heart breaking

The last man we spoke to was quite a character
He had a dog and a rabbit each side of him
The rabbit made headlines a few years ago
When some cruel person threw him in to the river Liffey
And his owner went in to save him
It was so curious to see the rabbit just lying by his side
I'm sure his animals bring him great comfort

I enjoyed Dublin as much as I could
But I was glad to leave
Too many memories
Too many ghosts of the past
I don't belong there any more
I've moved on
And that's ok

Anyway
A good time was had by all
Here are some memories......

In my Dad's house

The house I grew up in

Hanging out with Patrick Kavanagh

And Phil Lynott

Science gallery is Trinity Colleged

Buskers in Temple Bar

The homeless man I spoke to

Ha'Penny Bridge

Part 2 to follow tomorrow

What I've learnt.....

That people are the way they are and do the things they do for a reason

That everyone has a story

That hurt people, hurt people

That the people you love the most, will hurt you the most

That not everyone wants the best for you

That people won't stay, just because you want them too

That the majority of people are good and kind

That being on drugs turned me in to a person I didn't recognize

Or like

That getting clean was one of the toughest things I ever did

But also one of the things I am most proud of

That anorexia/bulimia is never happy

They want me dead, I have no doubt about that

That a scale is not a good way to measure your worth

That weight loss to an unhealthy level makes me miserable

That I am happiest when my body and mind are healthy

That sometimes disappearing seems like the only option

That no matter how low you go, you can always turn things around

No matter what has happened in life, there is always hope

Always

That I can become addicted to pretty much anything

That I am not and never will be perfect

That laughter truly is the best medicine

That I only am my true self around a handful of people

But it is so freeing when I am

That animals have the power to heal us

My two dogs have saved my life over and over again

That music soothes, uplifts and motivates

That writing does the same

That starting this blog is one of the better decisions I have made

That some people will use you and manipulate you if they think they can

That I am quite a shy person

That it takes time for me to open up

To never say never

That the anxiety and anticipation before an event, are usually worse than the event itself

That I need excitement in my life

That family and friends are precious

That you have to fight for what you believe in

That never giving up pays off

That everything seems worse at night

But better in the morning

That I am stronger than I ever knew

That I can now do things that I once thought were impossible

That there is always a second chance

And a third

And a fourth

That sometimes the best thing to do is nothing and wait

That life is not easy

But what is the alternative?