Thursday, 26 March 2015

Day 3

Technically today is Day 5
But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3
I got to the lunch time meeting today 
And will go to the 7pm NA this evening
Which will be my first NA meeting
It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to
Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 
And it's great to start the day off on a good start
Chicken soup for the soul
I know I would go everyday if they were on
But I get to about 3 or 4 a week
And that is great

It was a small meeting today
Just six of us
Creepy man was there 
So I did my best to avoid him
It was a lovely meeting
Some people were talking about nature and animals
So when it was my turn
I shared about Honey and Lea
And how much they have helped me
I also spoke about Lea 
And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital
And then grew back when I began to recover
So I really enjoyed the meeting
I am getting used to speaking in front of others
And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary
To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment
I am disappointed
But hopefully will get to see her next week
It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back
It really was non existent
I felt so low in myself
Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself
I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake
That I hurt everyone around
A burden
A no good
Eating disordered
Drug addicted
Useless
Waste of space
I really thought I had nothing to offer
That I was bad through and through
Bad to the bone
But you what I am starting to realise?
That I am not a bad person
I never was
Yes
I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 
If there was a stupid Olympics 
I would win gold every time
But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 
Was me
Now that I am clean and sober
I know that deep down 
I am inherently good
I want to do the right thing
I don't want to hurt myself or others
I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make
Almost three weeks ago
My world came tumbling down 
As my family found out about my using 
It rocked them to the core
My mother, my sister and I
Stood in my bedroom
Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house
And my refusing to do it in front of them
I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset
It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks
And things are a lot better
As quickly as things can go downhill
The can also turn around just as quickly
I fought with myself for so long about meetings 
And struggled to accept that I needed them
I wanted to do things my way
The Ruby way
It might have worked in the short term
But if I want a life free from drink and drugs
Then I need to have some sort of plan
And meetings are a good plan
I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective
Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts
Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope
We sit and share
About our lives
And our addiction 
And most importantly about out recovery
I always come out of a meeting re energised 
And full of hope
They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long
I bobbed along 
On my own
Running on the fumes of recovery 
Holding on by my finger nails
It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms
But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now
A chance of a good life 
Free from drink and drugs
And all the bullshit that goes with them
There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 
She is right 
Those seats are precious 
And not to be taken for granted 
I just feel very grateful today 
For meetings
For my family 
My friends 
And my dogs
As they say
Count your blessings slowly
And one at a time 

Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out
90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think
I was due to go to an evening meeting last night
But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 
And I didn't want to drive
So today is Day  3
And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday
Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while
I can already feel the benefits
My mood has lifted
I'm not craving a drink or drugs 
My head is clearer
The committee isn't as loud
I'm being more sociable
And my family have noticed too
I'm not so moody
Or irritable
Dare I say it
I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news
I am seeing Mary today!
She rang me last week to arrange an appointment
And I am super excited to see her
For those of you that don't know
Mary is my ED therapist
I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut
But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position
And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life
Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen
I've seen many over the years
And most have tried to help
But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today
Which I am not looking forward to
When I last saw her
I was bordering on a healthy weight
But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me
I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight
My weight is stable at a BMI of 20
And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning
For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight
I am ok with it
I'm not ecstatic about
I would love to weight five pounds less
But I accept this weight
And I am not actively trying to change it
But still
It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country
We are known for our drinking
That's a stereotype
But we do as a nation drink a lot
However 
Over the last few years 
Another craze has taken off
And that is fitness
In all forms
Running
Walking 
Jogging 
Cycling
Spinning 
Yoga
Pilates 
Cyclists regularly use our road 
And there are many  MAMILS
( Middle aged men in Lycra)
Now every where you look 
There are people kitted out in running gear
The colourful trainers
Tight black running leggings
Head bands
Hats
And of course headphones
They are everywhere
I see them when I walk my dogs 
When I look out my window
Buying healthy food in the supermarket
Going in to/ coming out of the gym
Oh yes
This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 
Only that I have two dogs
I probably wouldn't walk every day
I tried running a couple of times
And hated every second of it
I don't wear proper work out clothes
And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 
When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans
And my high tops
I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?
I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in
To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers
And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra
I feel the pressure to start jogging
To move more 
And eat less
I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny
Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 
Which is more preferable to bring thin
But there is still pressure to conform 
I definitely feel it
But I know I have to be careful
As my ED can take over
And obsession kicks in
I guess a lot of us have to watch that
It would be nice to find a happy balance
To exercise for enjoyment and health
And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you
Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?
Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?
Do you exercise now?
I'd love to know 


Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Sobriety?

This comment was left on my blog yesterday

Sobriety? How many mls of methadone are you on again?

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls
And shouldn't give this person any more attention
I should really ignore and move on
I shouldn't let this person get to me
But I have 
And I take issue with this comment

Anonymous I think you know exactly how many mls of methadone I am on
26
I know that technically I am still dependant on a drug
I am also on various other medication
They have all been prescribed to me by my doctor
It's not like I am buying these drugs on the street
And taking them as I see fit
My meds are dispensed daily 
And I don't abuse them in the way that I used to

Methadone seems to polarise people
You either agree with it
Or you don't
Methadone has a bad reputation
It conjures up images of pale vacant junkies
'The walking dead' as one newspaper here called them recently
Methadone means trouble to a lot of people
And like any group of people
There are always some bad eggs
But there are also people like me
People who use it correctly
And are working to come off it completely
I'm not a trouble maker
I don't sell my methadone
Yes I messed up recently
But I am doing my level best to get back on track

Maybe in your eyes I am not clean anonymous
But I am as clean as I can get right now
Yes, I am physically dependant on methadone
But isn't that miles better than being addicted to heroin
Existing in that murky under world of addiction
I'm not committing crimes to get my drug
My life is not chaotic or unmanageable
For the most part I am stable
I am steady
I am doing the best I can

I've been getting quite a few negative and nasty comments recently
It seems that some people are not willing to give me a second chance
Of course when I write a post
I put myself out there for everyone to see
And with the positive
There is also negative
I understand that
And it's ok
Everyone is entitled to their opinion
And freedom of speech
But there is no excuse for smart arse comments
Written anonymously of course

I was wondering about you
Do you ever get nasty comments?
How did you deal with them?
Do you think it's best to ignore them?
Or do you reply to them?
I'd love to know......

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Day 2, again

I got to a lunch time meeting today
Technically I am on Day 4 of the 90 day challenge 
But today is only my second meeting
So I am counting it as Day 2
I wasn't particularly looking forward to the meeting
At one stage I wasn't going to go at all
And was going to stay at home and over use my meds
But 
I managed to get off my bony bum
And go to the meeting
There was about 12 there today
A good mixture of people
I still get quite nervous when it's my turn to speak
But today I managed to speak more than I usually would
My ex sponsor was at the meeting
I am thinking of asking her to be my sponsor again
As I definitely need one

I'm really feeling the benefits of going to meetings
It gives me a purpose each day
Something healthy to throw myself in to
My head feels a lot clearer
And the committee is a lot quieter
I feel stronger
More capable and able
More positive and hopeful
Socially it's great too
As I am meeting new people 
And talking to people
All in all
Going back to meetings was one of my better ideas 

So it's onwards and upwards from here
Plenty of meetings 
Seeing my friends
Getting out the front door
And living my life
I also had to do a lot of accepting
Accept that I can't use or drink
At all
Accept that I am an addict
That I have an addictive personality
I've had to accept that I need meetings
But that not every one at the meetings is well
I've had to filter out a lot of the shite that is talked at meetings 
And listen carefully to the people who are healthy and strong in their recovery 
Unfortunately they seem to be in the minority

Anyway
I will keep going
Keep fighting
For a better life
For a future
For peace of mind
And sanity
What is the alternative......?

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Any where between 300 - 1000
I look at my statistics and see that people from the four corners of the earth read it
From the U.S. to Australia
From the UK to Singapore 
From Spain to Mexico
However 
I only really know a small percentage of you
And only a small percentage of that actually leave a comment
Of course I know some of you
The regulars you might call them
And I look forward to hearing from you each post
But today I want to reach out to those of you that don't comment
You silent readers
Or lurkers
Whether you read every day
Or drop by from time to time
Whether you have commented before 
Or never commented at all
If you have an eating disorder
Or some other mental illness
If like me you struggle with addiction
Or are trying to maintain your sobriety
If you comment anonymously 
Or use a fake name
If you are lonely
Afraid
If you feel like you are dying inside
Or maybe you are embracing recovery
If you read to relate
Or you read and count your lucky stars you're not like me
Maybe you don't like me
Maybe you are one of those anonymous commenters who gives me a hard time
Whoever you are
And where ever you are from
I Invite you today to come out of the shadows 
And let me know who you are
What your name is
Why you read 
Why you visit my blog
Why you agree or disagree with me
I invite you to introduce yourself
I'd love to meet you......

Monday, 23 March 2015

Day 3

Just to give you an update on the 90 day challenge
It's turning out not to be as straight forward as I thought

Monday is doctor day as you know
I was up early 
And my mum the dogs and I headed in to the surgery
Mum took the dogs for a walk while I went to see my doctor
He asks how I am
I explain that I am doing better
And getting to more meetings
He asks me to do a drug test
Which is no problem as I know I haven't used 
The only reason it will be positive is if there are still reminints of the drug in my system
I retire to the rest room
And do the delicate balancing act of peeing in to a little cup
Thankfully I go with little effort
I clean up
And flush
And head back in to my doctor
He checks it after a minute
It's negative
That's good
That's progress I think
At least now I know I am drug free

The next topic he brings up is that of my methadone reduction
He reminds me we were going to drop it today
I ask if we can wait one more week
He agrees
I am relieved 

I go and collect my meds
And head down to the beach to meet my mum
I take my meds in the car
I am still on daily dispensing
My doctor told me he will change that next week
We head home
And I sleep for a few hours
Mum goes to work at about four 
She tells me I shouldn't go in to town tonight as the weather is due to be bad
I had planned to go to a meeting
And I really wanted to go 
Against my better judgement 
I set off for the meeting at eight
However about 10 minutes later I have to pull in
As it is beginning to sleet
I ring my dad to ask him if the weather was due to get worse
He said it was 
And suggested I turn back
I don't want to
But I know it would be foolish to continue on
So I swing my car around 
And head home

I feel mildly annoyed that I didn't get to my meeting
As I really wanted to do 90 in 90 days
But as my mum said
I did my best to get there
My intentions were good
And I can make up for it during the week

The next meeting is tomorrow lunch time
So I am looking forward to that
I know that sometimes the universe conspires 
And life doesn't turn out the way we want or expect
And that's ok
Shit happens
Tomorrow is a new day
And all I can do is my best 

Stereotype

I was reading an article in the Sunday Times magazine yesterday
It was an exert from a book called The time in between: A memoir of hunger and hope
Written by Nancy Tucker
Who developed anorexia when she was a teenager
The pieces started off with Nancy talking about her need or desire to be perfect
In school
Her work
Her appearance
Her body
I guess the stereotype for an anorectic is a middle class white girl
Privileged 
Prone to perfectionism
A good girl
Although that's not entirely true
The stereotype persists
Nancy developed anorexia at the tender age of twelve
And was locked in a battle of wills either parents for the next few years
She was hospitalised
Dropped out of school
Her whole world became about avoiding eating
She just wanted to be thin
But of course anorexia becomes something else entirely
A prison 
A locked box that is nigh impossible to break out of

When Nancy was 15
She stopped eating completely
A single morsel didn't pass her lips for 93 days
She came to the realisation that she was going to die if something didn't change
She wanted to recover like 'the homeless want three inches of snow'
But she she knew she needed to
If she wanted to live
Slowly Nancy began to recover
She regained weight
And got her life back
She describes recovery as 'an up and down, hop-skip-jump progression and once you reach the finish line the referee will inform you that in fact - surprise! There is no finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling, getting back up and crumbling now. There is only today'.

This article was a fascinating read
I could identify with some parts
Some parts I couldn't 
I don't fit neatly in to the diagnosis of anorexia
I was never the 'good girl'
The high achiever
The perfectionist
I was always pushing the boundaries
Seeing how far I could go
I guess in the early years of my illness
I was strictly anorectic 
But even then it wasn't straight forward
I was addicted to drugs
And so wasn't aware of my ED for the first few years
And over time
I developed bulimia alongside it
Complicating things further

Bulimia is the antithesis of anorexia
As I always say
If anorexia is cold and silent and aloof
The bulimia is loud and brash and on your face
Anorexia is all about denial 
Restriction 
Punishment
Bulimia is all about indulging
Over indulging
Trying to flip that hole in the soul
Then purging the body of the excess
They are opposites
But on the same spectrum
Both serve the same purpose
To numb
To escape 
To hurt
And they do that job well

I guess I am a mixture of anorexia and bulimia
I swing between the two
And could display behaviours of either on a given day 
Take yesterday
I didn't eat anything for about 20 hours
But this morning
It's only 11am
And I've already eaten crisps and chocolate 
Like I say
It's one extreme or the other

Recovery is a tentative word at the moment
I'm as well as I can be
I haven't used in two weeks 
But my meds are still a bit all over the place
This week I am thinking of giving my meds to a family member to dole out to me every day
Just while I get back on track
As for my ED
As I said 
I think this is as good as it gets for me right now
My weight is stable
But the purging persists
Some days I might purge once
Some days it could be five times
But this is a vast improvement 
I think back to 18 months ago
I was out of control
Smoking 30 cigarettes a day
And spending €100 euro on them
That left me with about €90 for the week
And that went on binge food
This is also part of the reason I used to shoplift
Some thing I haven't done in a long time now thankfully
I spent my days binging and purging
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Endlessly marching the March of an active bulimic
Ovet working the toilet
To the point of breaking it on two occasions 
I was a mess

I am now just a year in to my recovery
My mood has improved dramatically
My anxiety is under control for the most part
My health is infinitely better
Both mentally and physically
My quality of life is so much better
And now my addiction recovery has started
It's sad that it took a relapse for me to finally see I needed help
But
It takes what it takes
Now I feel like I am on the right path
I feel motivated and positive and hopeful
I feel like I have a shot at having a good life
A sober life
Today is Day 3 of my challenge 
I'm hoping to get to a meeting tonight
And I'm feeling nervous already 
All I can go is my best 
That is enough

I say my doctor this morning
He drug tested me
And my urine is now negative for everything
That feels good 
Now I know the drugs have left my body
And I can concentrate on getting on with the rest of my life

I was wondering about you
Do you fit the stereotype for anorexia or bulimia?
What do you identify as ED wise?
Do you think the stereotype for anorexia is accurate?
I'd love to know what you think......