Neighbours

I think I mentioned recently that one of my neighbours died 

An elderly man

Now his wife is left alone

I call over a few times a week to run some errands for her 

And walk her dog 

Yesterday she asked me to pick up a couple of things for her from the shop in the village

I collected the items today

And called over to her

Her hearing is quite bad 

She doesn't hear the doorbell

So usually I give a loud knock 

And let my self in

I walked through the living room

And in to the kitchen 

She had her back to me

And got a bit startled when I said her name

Just then I realised what she was doing

She was pouring herself a glass of white wine

It was 10 30 am

I didn't know what to do

So I said nothing 

And acted like I hadn't seen anything

Then she told me she was planning on driving to the church down the road

I became worried as it is dangerous for her to drive at all

Never mind when she has drink on her

This makes me worry

I've known for some time that this woman and her husband like to drink

A lot

They met in AA over 20 years ago

But some where along the road 

They started drinking again

The woman was hospitalised a couple of years ago due to complications from drinking

She was in hospital for months

It was nothing short of a miracle that she pulled through

There has been trouble in that house over the years

Disruption

The guards were called numerous times

They often injured themselves from falling over while drunk

And then a couple of months ago 

The husband suffered a stroke

His wife didn't call the ambulance until three days later

As she though he was slurring his words and having trouble moving because he was drunk

He was hospitalised

And died six weeks later 

Now the woman is on her own

Her mind is sharp

But her body is old and weary

She really can't afford to be drinking

If something happens to her

If she falls or passes out 

There is no one there to help her

It's really very worrying

This is the ugly face of addiction

This is what happens when it gets a grip on someone 

All common sense and logic goes out the window

And the drink or drug takes over

If I need a reminder of the damage that addiction does

I need look no further than in to this woman's house

She is very much on her own 

No one ever calls to her house

She rarely seems to see her family

It's a sad and lonely existence 

Today is Day 5 for me

I got to two meetings yesterday 

An AA at lunch time

And an NA last night

It was my first NA meeting

And what a breath of fresh air it was

It was a small meeting

Four guys and me

I was so warmly welcomed back

Which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

I just have such a good feeling about this

About recovery 

My meetings 

And the people in them

I have an instinct that I am on the right path

That if I keep recovery focused

Then I can get my life back on track

When I was using

I was behaving so out of character

So shady

Lying 

Cheating

Sneaking

Plotting and planning

Ducking and diving

Trying to hide it from my family

The tension in the house 

The worry on my mothers face

No drug is worth that 

No drug is worth my peace of mind and my families too

Now I am getting back on track

My family can breathe a sigh of relief

They don't fully trust me yet

That will take time 

And I understand that

I am willing to do the work

One day at a time 

I've had to stop weighing myself

It was becoming a bit of an obsession

And anyway 

I've been the same weight for the past few months

Give or take a kilo 

I'm not entirely happy with my weight 

I would love to be 5 - 6 pounds less

But I can live with this weight

Just about

So I am in a pretty good place 

My head is a quiet place today

I'm working hard to stay well 

To keep steady 

To stay clean and sober

To nurture my relationships

And earn back trust 

I was saying last night 

That maybe it took this relapse to get me back on track

And if it did 

Then it was so worth it

I regret nothing it's made me the person I am today 

And that person is not a bad person 

I will get a meeting in tonight 

And a couple over the weekend 

I'm actually looking forward to it

And that my friends

Is a freakin' revelation!

Day 3

Technically today is Day 5

But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3

I got to the lunch time meeting today 

And will go to the 7pm NA this evening

Which will be my first NA meeting

It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to

Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 

And it's great to start the day off on a good start

Chicken soup for the soul

I know I would go everyday if they were on

But I get to about 3 or 4 a week

And that is great

It was a small meeting today

Just six of us

Creepy man was there 

So I did my best to avoid him

It was a lovely meeting

Some people were talking about nature and animals

So when it was my turn

I shared about Honey and Lea

And how much they have helped me

I also spoke about Lea 

And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital

And then grew back when I began to recover

So I really enjoyed the meeting

I am getting used to speaking in front of others

And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary

To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment

I am disappointed

But hopefully will get to see her next week

It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back

It really was non existent

I felt so low in myself

Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself

I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake

That I hurt everyone around

A burden

A no good

Eating disordered

Drug addicted

Useless

Waste of space

I really thought I had nothing to offer

That I was bad through and through

Bad to the bone

But you what I am starting to realise?

That I am not a bad person

I never was

Yes

I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 

If there was a stupid Olympics 

I would win gold every time

But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 

Was me

Now that I am clean and sober

I know that deep down 

I am inherently good

I want to do the right thing

I don't want to hurt myself or others

I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make

Almost three weeks ago

My world came tumbling down 

As my family found out about my using 

It rocked them to the core

My mother, my sister and I

Stood in my bedroom

Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house

And my refusing to do it in front of them

I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset

It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks

And things are a lot better

As quickly as things can go downhill

The can also turn around just as quickly

I fought with myself for so long about meetings 

And struggled to accept that I needed them

I wanted to do things my way

The Ruby way

It might have worked in the short term

But if I want a life free from drink and drugs

Then I need to have some sort of plan

And meetings are a good plan

I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective

Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts

Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope

We sit and share

About our lives

And our addiction 

And most importantly about out recovery

I always come out of a meeting re energised 

And full of hope

They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long

I bobbed along 

On my own

Running on the fumes of recovery 

Holding on by my finger nails

It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms

But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now

A chance of a good life 

Free from drink and drugs

And all the bullshit that goes with them

There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 

She is right 

Those seats are precious 

And not to be taken for granted 

I just feel very grateful today 

For meetings

For my family 

My friends 

And my dogs

As they say

Count your blessings slowly

And one at a time 

Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out

90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think

I was due to go to an evening meeting last night

But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 

And I didn't want to drive

So today is Day  3

And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday

Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while

I can already feel the benefits

My mood has lifted

I'm not craving a drink or drugs 

My head is clearer

The committee isn't as loud

I'm being more sociable

And my family have noticed too

I'm not so moody

Or irritable

Dare I say it

I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news

I am seeing Mary today!

She rang me last week to arrange an appointment

And I am super excited to see her

For those of you that don't know

Mary is my ED therapist

I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut

But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position

And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life

Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen

I've seen many over the years

And most have tried to help

But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today

Which I am not looking forward to

When I last saw her

I was bordering on a healthy weight

But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me

I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight

My weight is stable at a BMI of 20

And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning

For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight

I am ok with it

I'm not ecstatic about

I would love to weight five pounds less

But I accept this weight

And I am not actively trying to change it

But still

It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country

We are known for our drinking

That's a stereotype

But we do as a nation drink a lot

However 

Over the last few years 

Another craze has taken off

And that is fitness

In all forms

Running

Walking 

Jogging 

Cycling

Spinning 

Yoga

Pilates 

Cyclists regularly use our road 

And there are many  MAMILS

( Middle aged men in Lycra)

Now every where you look 

There are people kitted out in running gear

The colourful trainers

Tight black running leggings

Head bands

Hats

And of course headphones

They are everywhere

I see them when I walk my dogs 

When I look out my window

Buying healthy food in the supermarket

Going in to/ coming out of the gym

Oh yes

This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 

Only that I have two dogs

I probably wouldn't walk every day

I tried running a couple of times

And hated every second of it

I don't wear proper work out clothes

And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 

When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans

And my high tops

I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?

I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in

To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers

And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra

I feel the pressure to start jogging

To move more 

And eat less

I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny

Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 

Which is more preferable to bring thin

But there is still pressure to conform 

I definitely feel it

But I know I have to be careful

As my ED can take over

And obsession kicks in

I guess a lot of us have to watch that

It would be nice to find a happy balance

To exercise for enjoyment and health

And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you

Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?

Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?

Do you exercise now?

I'd love to know 

Sobriety?

This comment was left on my blog yesterday

Sobriety? How many mls of methadone are you on again?

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls

And shouldn't give this person any more attention

I should really ignore and move on

I shouldn't let this person get to me

But I have 

And I take issue with this comment

Anonymous I think you know exactly how many mls of methadone I am on

26

I know that technically I am still dependant on a drug

I am also on various other medication

They have all been prescribed to me by my doctor

It's not like I am buying these drugs on the street

And taking them as I see fit

My meds are dispensed daily 

And I don't abuse them in the way that I used to

Methadone seems to polarise people

You either agree with it

Or you don't

Methadone has a bad reputation

It conjures up images of pale vacant junkies

'The walking dead' as one newspaper here called them recently

Methadone means trouble to a lot of people

And like any group of people

There are always some bad eggs

But there are also people like me

People who use it correctly

And are working to come off it completely

I'm not a trouble maker

I don't sell my methadone

Yes I messed up recently

But I am doing my level best to get back on track

Maybe in your eyes I am not clean anonymous

But I am as clean as I can get right now

Yes, I am physically dependant on methadone

But isn't that miles better than being addicted to heroin

Existing in that murky under world of addiction

I'm not committing crimes to get my drug

My life is not chaotic or unmanageable

For the most part I am stable

I am steady

I am doing the best I can

I've been getting quite a few negative and nasty comments recently

It seems that some people are not willing to give me a second chance

Of course when I write a post

I put myself out there for everyone to see

And with the positive

There is also negative

I understand that

And it's ok

Everyone is entitled to their opinion

And freedom of speech

But there is no excuse for smart arse comments

Written anonymously of course

I was wondering about you

Do you ever get nasty comments?

How did you deal with them?

Do you think it's best to ignore them?

Or do you reply to them?

I'd love to know......

Day 2, again

I got to a lunch time meeting today

Technically I am on Day 4 of the 90 day challenge 

But today is only my second meeting

So I am counting it as Day 2

I wasn't particularly looking forward to the meeting

At one stage I wasn't going to go at all

And was going to stay at home and over use my meds

But 

I managed to get off my bony bum

And go to the meeting

There was about 12 there today

A good mixture of people

I still get quite nervous when it's my turn to speak

But today I managed to speak more than I usually would

My ex sponsor was at the meeting

I am thinking of asking her to be my sponsor again

As I definitely need one

I'm really feeling the benefits of going to meetings

It gives me a purpose each day

Something healthy to throw myself in to

My head feels a lot clearer

And the committee is a lot quieter

I feel stronger

More capable and able

More positive and hopeful

Socially it's great too

As I am meeting new people 

And talking to people

All in all

Going back to meetings was one of my better ideas 

So it's onwards and upwards from here

Plenty of meetings 

Seeing my friends

Getting out the front door

And living my life

I also had to do a lot of accepting

Accept that I can't use or drink

At all

Accept that I am an addict

That I have an addictive personality

I've had to accept that I need meetings

But that not every one at the meetings is well

I've had to filter out a lot of the shite that is talked at meetings 

And listen carefully to the people who are healthy and strong in their recovery 

Unfortunately they seem to be in the minority

Anyway

I will keep going

Keep fighting

For a better life

For a future

For peace of mind

And sanity

What is the alternative......?

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day

Any where between 300 - 1000

I look at my statistics and see that people from the four corners of the earth read it

From the U.S. to Australia

From the UK to Singapore 

From Spain to Mexico

However 

I only really know a small percentage of you

And only a small percentage of that actually leave a comment

Of course I know some of you

The regulars you might call them

And I look forward to hearing from you each post

But today I want to reach out to those of you that don't comment

You silent readers

Or lurkers

Whether you read every day

Or drop by from time to time

Whether you have commented before 

Or never commented at all

If you have an eating disorder

Or some other mental illness

If like me you struggle with addiction

Or are trying to maintain your sobriety

If you comment anonymously 

Or use a fake name

If you are lonely

Afraid

If you feel like you are dying inside

Or maybe you are embracing recovery

If you read to relate

Or you read and count your lucky stars you're not like me

Maybe you don't like me

Maybe you are one of those anonymous commenters who gives me a hard time

Whoever you are

And where ever you are from

I Invite you today to come out of the shadows 

And let me know who you are

What your name is

Why you read 

Why you visit my blog

Why you agree or disagree with me

I invite you to introduce yourself

I'd love to meet you......

Day 3

Just to give you an update on the 90 day challenge

It's turning out not to be as straight forward as I thought

Monday is doctor day as you know

I was up early 

And my mum the dogs and I headed in to the surgery

Mum took the dogs for a walk while I went to see my doctor

He asks how I am

I explain that I am doing better

And getting to more meetings

He asks me to do a drug test

Which is no problem as I know I haven't used 

The only reason it will be positive is if there are still reminints of the drug in my system

I retire to the rest room

And do the delicate balancing act of peeing in to a little cup

Thankfully I go with little effort

I clean up

And flush

And head back in to my doctor

He checks it after a minute

It's negative

That's good

That's progress I think

At least now I know I am drug free

The next topic he brings up is that of my methadone reduction

He reminds me we were going to drop it today

I ask if we can wait one more week

He agrees

I am relieved 

I go and collect my meds

And head down to the beach to meet my mum

I take my meds in the car

I am still on daily dispensing

My doctor told me he will change that next week

We head home

And I sleep for a few hours

Mum goes to work at about four 

She tells me I shouldn't go in to town tonight as the weather is due to be bad

I had planned to go to a meeting

And I really wanted to go 

Against my better judgement 

I set off for the meeting at eight

However about 10 minutes later I have to pull in

As it is beginning to sleet

I ring my dad to ask him if the weather was due to get worse

He said it was 

And suggested I turn back

I don't want to

But I know it would be foolish to continue on

So I swing my car around 

And head home

I feel mildly annoyed that I didn't get to my meeting

As I really wanted to do 90 in 90 days

But as my mum said

I did my best to get there

My intentions were good

And I can make up for it during the week

The next meeting is tomorrow lunch time

So I am looking forward to that

I know that sometimes the universe conspires 

And life doesn't turn out the way we want or expect

And that's ok

Shit happens

Tomorrow is a new day

And all I can do is my best