Anorexia in men

The weather was shocking last night

So instead of heading in to town to NA

I decided to head to one of the villages near me to AA

My sister was going too

So I called in to get on the way

And we both headed over

For some reason I get a lot more nervous at AA meetings 

Maybe because they tend to be a lot bigger

We arrived 

My sister made tea

And I took a seat in one of the comfortable arm chairs

We chatted for a few minutes 

And then the meeting started 

Just then someone came in

And took a seat across from me

I recognised the person

A guy 

But I couldn't tell where I knew him from

Or how

The first thing I noticed was that he was very slim

Then when he sat down

He took out a packet of sweets

And seemed very absorbed in them

As the meeting went on

I glanced over at him a couple of times 

I knew him from somewhere

I just couldn't figure out where

He was young 

Maybe younger than me

Dressed in jeans and trainers

One leg crossed over the other 

He really was very slim

I had my suspicions 

After the preamble was read out

The meeting began

This particular guy was the first to speak

When he introduced himself

I knew straight away who he was

He was a guy I used to know

A long time ago 

He went to NA at the same time I did

He looked the same 

Yet he looked a lot different 

The meeting went on

I spoke a little bit

It was over before I knew it

Afterwards we all had tea

And this guy came over to talk to me

He remembered me too

I told him that he looked different

He said henchman lost a lot of weight 

That he had been very sick

And they did lots of tests

But they couldn't find anything wrong with him

And that it was psychological

This sounded very familiar

As this is pretty much exactly how my story started out 

He continued to speak

He mention 

Weight 

Numbers 

Exercise

I could relate to everything 

He was speaking at a terrific rate

Words poured out of him like water

And I was finding it hard to keep up

Eventually I told him how much I could identify

I said I didn't know if it was the same thing

But I had anorexia/bulimia 

And it was every bit as serious as my addiction

He did not exactly say the words

'I have an eating disorder'

But he pretty much described the text book ED type

He talked about having four sets of scales

Running

Trying to get below certain weights

Typical behaviours of someone with an ED

He explained how it was very difficult to talk about it 

As men don't talk about that kind of thing

We went outside

He smoked and talked

I listened 

The words continued to fall out of his mouth

He is obviously  in a bad place

And doesn't have his addiction fully under control either

We drank our tea

And got ready to leave 

I took the guys number 

And he asked me to text him

I said I would

I think this is the first time I've ever spoken to a male with an ED

Maybe I have in the past unknowingly

But this guy is the first

I really felt for him

I guess this illness is mainly thought of as a female illness

Maybe this is why he's telling people that he's been ill

As it's easier than telling the truth 

He was on my mind all last night

I just kept thinking how much he had to deal with 

And how life is so cruel

And how could I help him

But I need to be careful when I start thinking like that

As I start thinking I can save the world

And get way ahead of myself

It's not my place to help this guy

I need to help myself first

I had to remind myself that I am in the same boat as this guy

I am the one that needs to accept the help right now

Not give it out

I guess last night was a reminder that men suffer from this illness too

Albeit it's a lot rarer in men 

But we musn't forget them

In other news 

I am doing good

My new teeth are amazing

And I am going around grinning like a Cheshire Cat

I am getting on average one meeting a day 

And it is doing me the power of good

To anyone that is struggling out there today

Hang on in there

Just keep hanging on

As my sponsor used to say to me

Don't quit five minutes before the miracle

New teeth!

As some of you may know

I started the process of getting new teeth last August

My teeth were in a sorry state 

Years of not looking after then

And methadone which really did a number on my teeth

Methadone is a sugary syrup that is swallowed

So every day for the last 10 years 

My teeth have been rinsed in it

My teeth themselves were rotting out of my head

I had to get so many removed

And so much work done on them

I finally decided to get them done last year

So the last rights months has been the process of improving my teeth

Temporary crowns were put in

And then today the permanent ones were put in

Below is a photo of said teeth

I don't have any before photos 

But trust me

They were atrocious 

Her story

I was listening to the radio this morning

As I walked my dogs

I love listening to phone in and chat shows

There's something comforting about listening to others speak 

And not having to contribute

I usually listen to the same show every day

It's a phone in show, with all sorts of topics and guests

I can't walk without listening to something

Because I don't want to listen to my own head

This morning a girl called Ciara was interviewed 

The chat started out in a general way

And I wasn't sure about where it was going

Ciara spoke about when she was a child

And how she compared herself to others

And how she felt ugly

She was bullied as a child

And this confirmed all the negative beliefs she had about herself

I think I knew where this was heading

As it sounded very much like my own story 

As a teenager Ciara developed anorexia

She stopped eating

Or purged anything she did eat

And started exercising

Her family got her in to therapy

But she was totally resistant to it

Ciara described herself as a perfectionist

A stereo typical anorectic 

When age was a bit older

Ciara was admitted to John of Gods psychiatric hospital in Dublin

And did the eating disorder programme there 

Under Dr. Terence Larkin

My ears pricked up as I heard this

As this is the hospital I've been in many times

I had to laugh as I heard her comment that Dr. Larkin wore lovely socks

Because he did!

She described how she played the staff there

Toms them what they wanted to hear

But still maintained her disorder

She also described how she picked up tricks in hospital from the other girls

I am with Ciara in this one

Sometimes hospital can be like a school for EDs

You learn more about the disorder

Maybe how to purge

How to manipulate your weight

How to hide your disorder

Similar to a criminal going to prison and becoming a better criminal

Going to treatment can help you learn more about your disorder

This admission didn't work

And Ciara continued to starve and purge

She was then admitted to St. Patrick's hospital in Dublin

Where she completed the eating disorder programme there

I was also I this hospital

However my experience was not as positive as Ciaras 

This was the start of her recovery

Then her Grandad died 

And Ciara began to re evaluate her life

She began seeing a therapist in her home town

And described how she saved her life

She is now in recovery

She also writes a good blog over on Wordpress 

Which I had a look at

I loved listening to Ciaras story

It is similar to mine

And yet different 

She says herself that she is lucky to be alive 

I feel that way too

I was just talking with my addiction counsellor Breda yesterday

How I am so lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed

Considering what I have been through

I am not doing too badly 

Ciaras story is testament to how things can turn around for us

That there is always hope

And recovery is always possible

She described how recovery is not a destination

It's a process

We never arrive at recovery

We are always on a stage of it

I have no doubt that I was meant to hear this story today

I firmly believe that situations are put in our way to help us

We all have a story

And those of us with EDs and addiction have a very important story

I am hoping that through this blog

That my story resonates with someone

And helps them feel not so alone

My blog is not about telling people how to recover

Heck, I am only just figuring that out for myself

But my blog is as much for you as it is for me

I love to read honesty

And gear honesty at meetings 

When I hear honesty

It almost gives me permission to be honest to

And that in turn encourages others to be honest

It's s chain reaction

I am doing well at the moment

I met a good friend yesterday

Someone that I haven't seen in years

We went for tea

Had a great chat

And then got a meeting

Meetings are helping more than anything right now

I'm getting out

Meeting people

Talking to people

Making new friends

It's truly amazing how things can turn around

I am full of hope these days 

Not just for me

But for you too

Hearing Ciaras story today has done me the world of good 

It just goes to show

That if you surround yourself with positive people and things

Then that will rub off on you

Today is a good day 

Everything is exactly how it should

And I for one am glad to be alive 

Sunday

It was this morning

The same as any other Sunday morning

Except the clocks had gone forward 

And confused me so I had got up an hour earlier than I would normally

I watched tv for a while

And drifted in and out of sleep

I finally managed to wake up at about 10am

Got myself together 

And brought the dogs for a walk

It rained 

We got soaked

And headed back to the house

Marie texted

We arranged to meet at the lunch time meeting

I changed my clothes

And got ready for the meeting

Jumped in my car

And headed off

I think a lot when I drive

I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about

I know I was driving through the village

Mass was just over and there were air of people milling about

Cars pulling in and out

I was driving slowly 

Was just driving by a junction

When I saw it

A green jeep

There are a lot of green jeeps around where I live

And everytime I see one my heart stops

I scanned the registration plate

It was his

My heart now started to palpitate 

He was at the junction

So I drove right by his eyeline

I didn't look to see if it was him

I knew it was

I wanted to put my foot down and get the hell out of there

But the car in front of me slowed to a crawl

It seemed to take forever for me to drive past

I don't know if he saw me

I don't really care

But by the time I got to the meeting 

I was a mess

I had to sit in my car for a couple of minutes

And just breathe

And calm down

I managed to compose myself

And headed in to the meeting 

I guess it was bound to happen 

I was bound to run in to him sooner or later

In reality we frequent the same villages and towns

This is a small area

It was always going to happen

But still

I wasn't prepared for it

And it rattled me something serious

Just knowing that he is around unsettles me

But how and ever

It happened 

I survived 

I'm sure it will happen again

And I will survive that too

In other news

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday

When I first moved here

I used to attend meetings regularly

I mentioned in my last post that I was friendly with two of the men

One of the men in particular became a family friend

I guess he was like a sponsor to me really

We were friends for years

But I went of the rails

And pulled away from him and all my friends

I've spoke to him maybe a couple of times in the last few years

And yesterday I rang him

He didn't know who it was at first

I kept him guessing 

When he heard me speak

He knew then

It was so good to speak to him

And he was delighted to hear from me

We arranged to meet tomorrow and then get a meeting in

He's someone that I want in my life

So I am doing ok

Keeping close to good friends

Getting a lot of meetings

Staying out of trouble

I'm trying

And that's the main thing

Saturday

Another day 

Another meeting 

Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 

Just for a change

And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know

I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer

And started going to meetings pretty much straight away

Mostly NA

But there were only two a week back then

Now there's one most days

Back then there was very few women at the meetings

Do I used to hang around with the men

There were two men in particular that I was very close to

They were in their fifties 

But I got on great with them

One especially became a family friend 

And was a great support to my mother also

Over time o drifted away from the meetings

And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm

And we headed in to town

We arrived a few minutes late 

And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs

I recognised a couple of faces straight away

And whispered hello

It was only when I looked around

That I realised that it was all males

I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting

I was going to ask 

But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with

His name is Damien

Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together

It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia

I remember Damien calling up to me every evening

He would bring the paper

And we would do the crossword

We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes

Him pushing me in my wheelchair

And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 

Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones

He was a great friend

But again

We drifted apart

I was slipping and sliding

And he moved on

It was so good to see him last night

We had a big hug

And a quick catch up after the meeting

He asked about my mum

And the dogs

And we laughed about old times

It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas

And they were young guys too

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak

But I did it 

I shared about where I am at

And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 

When he was sharing

He said it was really good to see me

He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me

I could feel the anxiety in me rising

I remember that meeting

I shared something with him that I really regret

I won't go in to what I said 

But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position

I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 

But he obviously hasn't

It made me feel super uncomfortable

 

Apart from that

It was a great meeting

I really got a lot out of it

It was so lovely to see some familiar faces

And so good to the amazing recovery that people have

I want that 

I want to be well so badly now

They say in meetings

That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking

I can honestly say now

 That I have that desire 

And the more meetings I go to

And the more I listen to others share

It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do

And I am on the right path

I just feel so blessed

And so very lucky 

To have been given this second chance

And if a relapse was what it took to get me here

Then I can honestly say that it was worth it

They say everything happens for a reason

I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 

It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time

One guy had a year

And everyone clapped

Then I was asked how long I was clean

I said three weeks

And everyone clapped and said well done

I know three weeks isnt a long time

But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings

And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways

My head is a much nicer place to be 

I feel so much more positive

I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this

I have no cravings

No urge to drink or use

No desire to contact The Boy

He now seems like a distant memory

I have hope now

Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction

Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be

A good person 

A person who does the right thing

Someone you can rely on

And also the social side of meetings is great

I'm meeting so many people

And that is great for me

I was spending so much time on my own

That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people

To chat

To laugh

To identify and relate

To connect

To hug 

You can't beat that feeling 

And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family

They can see that I am making the effort

And although they might not fully trust me yet

They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting

She really has been such a good friend to me

When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me

She was always there

Never gave up on me 

That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her

I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people

Crazy people

Junkies 

Trouble makers

I now see that it was because like attracts like

I have out those vibes

And so attracted those types of people

But now the opposite seems to be happening

I seem to be attracting good people

Honest people 

And that is amazing 

It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out

That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 

As quickly as life can go down hill

It can also turn around just as fast

I feel hopeful now

Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track

I have been through a lot in my 33 years

I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I believe my struggles have a purpose

I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet

But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing

Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting

And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it

It's a good day today

It good to be alive and kicking

To feel good in myself

Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling

I hope I can do it

I think I can 

I really think I can 

Anyone out there?

My goodness the blogosphere is quiet these days 

Do you find that?

Hardly any new posts pop up in my reader

And it seems more and more people are abandoning their blogs 

I still wonder what happened to Rayya?

Winter?

Thinderella?

And so many more

I'm wondering why it's so quiet at the moment 

I mean is it just a lull?

Or is blogger old news?

Is Instagram and Twitter more popular these days?

I guess people prefer to look at photos

Rather than read a body of text

And here in our little ED corner of the blogosphere

We are all about the story

More so than photographs

Do you find it quiet at the moment?

Why do you think that is?

Neighbours

I think I mentioned recently that one of my neighbours died 

An elderly man

Now his wife is left alone

I call over a few times a week to run some errands for her 

And walk her dog 

Yesterday she asked me to pick up a couple of things for her from the shop in the village

I collected the items today

And called over to her

Her hearing is quite bad 

She doesn't hear the doorbell

So usually I give a loud knock 

And let my self in

I walked through the living room

And in to the kitchen 

She had her back to me

And got a bit startled when I said her name

Just then I realised what she was doing

She was pouring herself a glass of white wine

It was 10 30 am

I didn't know what to do

So I said nothing 

And acted like I hadn't seen anything

Then she told me she was planning on driving to the church down the road

I became worried as it is dangerous for her to drive at all

Never mind when she has drink on her

This makes me worry

I've known for some time that this woman and her husband like to drink

A lot

They met in AA over 20 years ago

But some where along the road 

They started drinking again

The woman was hospitalised a couple of years ago due to complications from drinking

She was in hospital for months

It was nothing short of a miracle that she pulled through

There has been trouble in that house over the years

Disruption

The guards were called numerous times

They often injured themselves from falling over while drunk

And then a couple of months ago 

The husband suffered a stroke

His wife didn't call the ambulance until three days later

As she though he was slurring his words and having trouble moving because he was drunk

He was hospitalised

And died six weeks later 

Now the woman is on her own

Her mind is sharp

But her body is old and weary

She really can't afford to be drinking

If something happens to her

If she falls or passes out 

There is no one there to help her

It's really very worrying

This is the ugly face of addiction

This is what happens when it gets a grip on someone 

All common sense and logic goes out the window

And the drink or drug takes over

If I need a reminder of the damage that addiction does

I need look no further than in to this woman's house

She is very much on her own 

No one ever calls to her house

She rarely seems to see her family

It's a sad and lonely existence 

Today is Day 5 for me

I got to two meetings yesterday 

An AA at lunch time

And an NA last night

It was my first NA meeting

And what a breath of fresh air it was

It was a small meeting

Four guys and me

I was so warmly welcomed back

Which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

I just have such a good feeling about this

About recovery 

My meetings 

And the people in them

I have an instinct that I am on the right path

That if I keep recovery focused

Then I can get my life back on track

When I was using

I was behaving so out of character

So shady

Lying 

Cheating

Sneaking

Plotting and planning

Ducking and diving

Trying to hide it from my family

The tension in the house 

The worry on my mothers face

No drug is worth that 

No drug is worth my peace of mind and my families too

Now I am getting back on track

My family can breathe a sigh of relief

They don't fully trust me yet

That will take time 

And I understand that

I am willing to do the work

One day at a time 

I've had to stop weighing myself

It was becoming a bit of an obsession

And anyway 

I've been the same weight for the past few months

Give or take a kilo 

I'm not entirely happy with my weight 

I would love to be 5 - 6 pounds less

But I can live with this weight

Just about

So I am in a pretty good place 

My head is a quiet place today

I'm working hard to stay well 

To keep steady 

To stay clean and sober

To nurture my relationships

And earn back trust 

I was saying last night 

That maybe it took this relapse to get me back on track

And if it did 

Then it was so worth it

I regret nothing it's made me the person I am today 

And that person is not a bad person 

I will get a meeting in tonight 

And a couple over the weekend 

I'm actually looking forward to it

And that my friends

Is a freakin' revelation!