Sunday, 5 April 2015

Sunday morning walk

It was lovely and warm and dry this morning
So my sister and Honey and Lea and I headed in to the beach for a walk
A good time was had by all
Here are some photos.....














Saturday, 4 April 2015

A is for anxiety

Eek I've been averaging about a meeting a day for the last two weeks 
And boy had it made a difference
To my head
My mental health
My mood 
My peace of mind 
My self esteem
All of these things have improved so so much
Now I am wondering why I didn't go back to meetings sooner!
There have been many times over the last few years
When I have slowly driven by a meeting venue
Dying to go in
Yet it seemed so impossible
I just couldn't muster the courage to step in to that room
Thinking about it used to send me in to a frenzy of panic and anxiety
I really doubted that I would ever get back to meetings 

Like a lot of things with me
It was a mental thing
Once I wrapped my head around the fact that if I wanted to get well I had to go to meetings
Then it seemed a lot more doable
It felt possible
Manageable
It was the same when I gave up smoking
Once I made the decision in my head 
And decided to give up
That was half the battle
It just goes to show the power of the mind
And how much it can help or hinder us

I went to an NA meeting last night in town
I was on my own driving in
So I was feeling a bit anxious
I'm not too confident driving in town either
I'm so used to country roads
And back roads
So motor ways and main roads scare me some
Anyway
I made it to the meeting
I was a bit late 
So slipped in to the room
And took a seat
There was about 10 at the meeting
And for some reason I felt majorly anxious
My breathing was short and shallow 
As if I couldn't get enough oxygen in to my lungs
I was dreading having to speak
And at one point didn't think I'd be able to speak at all
But towards the end of the meeting
I found myself saying

My name is a Ruby
And I am an addict

I find speaking quite hard at the best of times
So talking in front of a room full of people can be quite the scary experience
And it's speaking about done very personal stuff
So there is the fear of what people will think of you
As I spoke
I could feel the words falling out of my mouth at a terrific speed 
I could feel one of my legs shaking nervously
As I twisted my other foot around and around 
I'm not entirely sure why I felt so anxious
Sometimes I speak at meetings
And I feel totally comfortable 
With no anxiety at all
But then other times
Anxiety hits me hard
And that makes everything so much harder

Looking back on my life
I can see that I began suffering with anxiety when I was a teenager
I can remember sitting in school
And feeling this overwhelming feeling of panic and fear
I didn't call it anxiety at the time
But now I can see that is what it was

I was bullied in high school too
By girls from another school
It wasn't anything too serious 
But it knocked my confidence
And fuelled my anxiety
I began to get wary around other people
Especially meeting new people
Or people who reminded me of the bullies
That experience has effected me to this day
And how I see myself and others
Since then
I have categorised people in to different sections 
Those I feel comfortable around
Those I fear
Those I can be myself around
And those I want to like me
I can usually make up my mind very quickly who belongs where 
I know this might sound a little strange 
But this the effect that bullying had on me

I deal with anxiety every single day 
In one form or another 
More often than not 
It's the anticipation of an event
That makes me more anxious than the event itself 
It's the run up to it
The thinking about it  
Over thinking it
Analysing 
And dissecting it
The event itself is usually fine

It's such hard work and feeling anxious
I find that I change my personality to suit whoever I am with
Not too much anymore 
But I used to do it a lot  
It is aWlways so refreshing being around someone who you can totally be yourself around
My sister is a good example of this 
She is one of the few people that knows me inside and out
I can be my crazy bat shit self around
And she doesn't bat an eyelid
But when I am out and about 
Anxiety can cripple me 
Not can stop me living my life to its full potential
I am on medication for anxiety 
But I do wonder how much it really helps

I was wondering about you 
Do you suffer from anxiety?
If yes
How do deal with it?

Friday, 3 April 2015

Unfollowed

I don't tend to worry about the number of followers I have
But I've noticed in the past week
I've been unfollowed three times 
And I am wondering why that is
I know that I've let certain people down over the last couple of months
I know people were disappointed when I relapsed
I've also been getting some nasty anonymous comments 
I don't know if the two are connected
And also the tone of my blog has changed recently
And is much more recovery orientated 
I know that's not as interesting to read about as the highs and lows of addiction or living with an ED
Maybe people don't want to read about my getting my life together 
And that's ok
I would rather have ten people read about my recovery
Than 100 people read about my relapse

I guess it hurts a little bit
It's like someone in real life telling you that they don't want to be friends any more
I know on the last couple of weeks 
I've been paying a lot more attention to my real life relationships 
And my real life
And less time to my blogging life
I try to blog everyday still
But I've had to invest time in my relationships with family and friends
As I had really neglected them

I was talking with my addiction counsellor Breda on Monday
We were talking about the topic of friendship
She was asking me about my friends
I told her that I have a few close friends
Not many
But the ones I have are real and honest and loyal
The rest are acquaintances 
Who I pass the time of day with
But no more than that
Know that I am back attending meetings
My social circle is expanding 
But I am pretty choosy about who I become friends with
I would much rather have a few good friends 
Rather than lots of people who are not true friends 

As you know 
I have two older sisters
And that is awesome 
As its like having two best friends who are always there no matter what
Apart from that
I guess Marie would be my best friend
Then I have my good friend from treatment
My ex sponsor
And a couple of others who I see regularly

I tend to be quite a shy person
Until I get to know you
Then I show you who I really am
But I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to other people
I always assume that people don't like me
I mean 
I don't like myself very much
So why would others like me?
Over the last couple of weeks
I've been meeting a lot of people at meetings
And people who I used to know
I've been welcomed back in to the rooms so warmly 
And that surprised me a little
I guess I thought that no one would have missed me
And not even noticed that I had left
But they did
And that is surprising to me

In the midst of my addiction and ED
I pulled away from all of my friends
So I am only really starting to see people again
And to want to see people
Not hide away from the world
As it turns out
I am quite a sociable person
I love to chat
And laugh
And really get on with someone
But sometimes fear and anxiety get the better of me
And I clam up
And can't talk at all
I hate when that happens
As I think people can think I am standoffish or cold 
It's not that at all 
It's that I am paralysed by fear

At the meeting yesterday 
I read a reading about people pleasing
The writer described how they used to 'turn themselves in to a pretzel' trying to please others
I could relate to this so much
I am a confirmed people pleaser
I want people to like me
So I do everything I can to make that happen
Even if it hurts me
Even if it doesn't suit me
Even if though it feels wrong
I put others needs before my own
It's not a nice way to live your life
They say in order to recover
You have to be a bit selfish
I now know what this means 
You know when you are on a plane
And they are doing the safety demo
They always say to put your own oxygen mask on
Before you put others on
I get this now
We are no use to anyone 
If we are not well ourselves
It makes perfect sense really
So I will go my best to do this
It will be a new and scary experience
But it's all part of my recovery
It's simple 
But it's not easy

I was wondering about you
Do you have many friends?
Do you believe that quality is better than quantity?
What do you think makes a good friend?
I'd love to know......

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Anorexia in men

The weather was shocking last night
So instead of heading in to town to NA
I decided to head to one of the villages near me to AA
My sister was going too
So I called in to get on the way
And we both headed over

For some reason I get a lot more nervous at AA meetings 
Maybe because they tend to be a lot bigger
We arrived 
My sister made tea
And I took a seat in one of the comfortable arm chairs
We chatted for a few minutes 
And then the meeting started 
Just then someone came in
And took a seat across from me
I recognised the person
A guy 
But I couldn't tell where I knew him from
Or how
The first thing I noticed was that he was very slim
Then when he sat down
He took out a packet of sweets
And seemed very absorbed in them
As the meeting went on
I glanced over at him a couple of times 
I knew him from somewhere
I just couldn't figure out where
He was young 
Maybe younger than me
Dressed in jeans and trainers
One leg crossed over the other 
He really was very slim
I had my suspicions 

After the preamble was read out
The meeting began
This particular guy was the first to speak
When he introduced himself
I knew straight away who he was
He was a guy I used to know
A long time ago 
He went to NA at the same time I did
He looked the same 
Yet he looked a lot different 

The meeting went on
I spoke a little bit
It was over before I knew it
Afterwards we all had tea
And this guy came over to talk to me
He remembered me too
I told him that he looked different
He said henchman lost a lot of weight 
That he had been very sick
And they did lots of tests
But they couldn't find anything wrong with him
And that it was psychological
This sounded very familiar
As this is pretty much exactly how my story started out 
He continued to speak
He mention 
Weight 
Numbers 
Exercise
I could relate to everything 
He was speaking at a terrific rate
Words poured out of him like water
And I was finding it hard to keep up
Eventually I told him how much I could identify
I said I didn't know if it was the same thing
But I had anorexia/bulimia 
And it was every bit as serious as my addiction

He did not exactly say the words
'I have an eating disorder'
But he pretty much described the text book ED type
He talked about having four sets of scales
Running
Trying to get below certain weights
Typical behaviours of someone with an ED
He explained how it was very difficult to talk about it 
As men don't talk about that kind of thing

We went outside
He smoked and talked
I listened 
The words continued to fall out of his mouth
He is obviously  in a bad place
And doesn't have his addiction fully under control either
We drank our tea
And got ready to leave 
I took the guys number 
And he asked me to text him
I said I would

I think this is the first time I've ever spoken to a male with an ED
Maybe I have in the past unknowingly
But this guy is the first
I really felt for him
I guess this illness is mainly thought of as a female illness
Maybe this is why he's telling people that he's been ill
As it's easier than telling the truth 
He was on my mind all last night
I just kept thinking how much he had to deal with 
And how life is so cruel
And how could I help him
But I need to be careful when I start thinking like that
As I start thinking I can save the world
And get way ahead of myself
It's not my place to help this guy
I need to help myself first
I had to remind myself that I am in the same boat as this guy
I am the one that needs to accept the help right now
Not give it out

I guess last night was a reminder that men suffer from this illness too
Albeit it's a lot rarer in men 
But we musn't forget them

In other news 
I am doing good
My new teeth are amazing
And I am going around grinning like a Cheshire Cat
I am getting on average one meeting a day 
And it is doing me the power of good
To anyone that is struggling out there today
Hang on in there
Just keep hanging on
As my sponsor used to say to me
Don't quit five minutes before the miracle

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

New teeth!

As some of you may know
I started the process of getting new teeth last August
My teeth were in a sorry state 
Years of not looking after then
And methadone which really did a number on my teeth
Methadone is a sugary syrup that is swallowed
So every day for the last 10 years 
My teeth have been rinsed in it
My teeth themselves were rotting out of my head
I had to get so many removed
And so much work done on them
I finally decided to get them done last year
So the last rights months has been the process of improving my teeth
Temporary crowns were put in
And then today the permanent ones were put in
Below is a photo of said teeth
I don't have any before photos 
But trust me
They were atrocious 



Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Her story

I was listening to the radio this morning
As I walked my dogs
I love listening to phone in and chat shows
There's something comforting about listening to others speak 
And not having to contribute
I usually listen to the same show every day
It's a phone in show, with all sorts of topics and guests
I can't walk without listening to something
Because I don't want to listen to my own head

This morning a girl called Ciara was interviewed 
The chat started out in a general way
And I wasn't sure about where it was going
Ciara spoke about when she was a child
And how she compared herself to others
And how she felt ugly
She was bullied as a child
And this confirmed all the negative beliefs she had about herself
I think I knew where this was heading
As it sounded very much like my own story 
As a teenager Ciara developed anorexia
She stopped eating
Or purged anything she did eat
And started exercising
Her family got her in to therapy
But she was totally resistant to it
Ciara described herself as a perfectionist
A stereo typical anorectic 

When age was a bit older
Ciara was admitted to John of Gods psychiatric hospital in Dublin
And did the eating disorder programme there 
Under Dr. Terence Larkin
My ears pricked up as I heard this
As this is the hospital I've been in many times
I had to laugh as I heard her comment that Dr. Larkin wore lovely socks
Because he did!

She described how she played the staff there
Toms them what they wanted to hear
But still maintained her disorder
She also described how she picked up tricks in hospital from the other girls
I am with Ciara in this one
Sometimes hospital can be like a school for EDs
You learn more about the disorder
Maybe how to purge
How to manipulate your weight
How to hide your disorder
Similar to a criminal going to prison and becoming a better criminal
Going to treatment can help you learn more about your disorder

This admission didn't work
And Ciara continued to starve and purge
She was then admitted to St. Patrick's hospital in Dublin
Where she completed the eating disorder programme there
I was also I this hospital
However my experience was not as positive as Ciaras 
This was the start of her recovery
Then her Grandad died 
And Ciara began to re evaluate her life
She began seeing a therapist in her home town
And described how she saved her life
She is now in recovery
She also writes a good blog over on Wordpress 
Which I had a look at

I loved listening to Ciaras story
It is similar to mine
And yet different 
She says herself that she is lucky to be alive 
I feel that way too
I was just talking with my addiction counsellor Breda yesterday
How I am so lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed
Considering what I have been through
I am not doing too badly 
Ciaras story is testament to how things can turn around for us
That there is always hope
And recovery is always possible
She described how recovery is not a destination
It's a process
We never arrive at recovery
We are always on a stage of it

I have no doubt that I was meant to hear this story today
I firmly believe that situations are put in our way to help us
We all have a story
And those of us with EDs and addiction have a very important story
I am hoping that through this blog
That my story resonates with someone
And helps them feel not so alone
My blog is not about telling people how to recover
Heck, I am only just figuring that out for myself
But my blog is as much for you as it is for me
I love to read honesty
And gear honesty at meetings 
When I hear honesty
It almost gives me permission to be honest to
And that in turn encourages others to be honest
It's s chain reaction

I am doing well at the moment
I met a good friend yesterday
Someone that I haven't seen in years
We went for tea
Had a great chat
And then got a meeting
Meetings are helping more than anything right now
I'm getting out
Meeting people
Talking to people
Making new friends
It's truly amazing how things can turn around

I am full of hope these days 
Not just for me
But for you too
Hearing Ciaras story today has done me the world of good 
It just goes to show
That if you surround yourself with positive people and things
Then that will rub off on you

Today is a good day 
Everything is exactly how it should
And I for one am glad to be alive 

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Sunday

It was this morning
The same as any other Sunday morning
Except the clocks had gone forward 
And confused me so I had got up an hour earlier than I would normally
I watched tv for a while
And drifted in and out of sleep
I finally managed to wake up at about 10am
Got myself together 
And brought the dogs for a walk
It rained 
We got soaked
And headed back to the house
Marie texted
We arranged to meet at the lunch time meeting
I changed my clothes
And got ready for the meeting
Jumped in my car
And headed off

I think a lot when I drive
I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about
I know I was driving through the village
Mass was just over and there were air of people milling about
Cars pulling in and out
I was driving slowly 
Was just driving by a junction
When I saw it
A green jeep
There are a lot of green jeeps around where I live
And everytime I see one my heart stops
I scanned the registration plate
It was his
My heart now started to palpitate 
He was at the junction
So I drove right by his eyeline
I didn't look to see if it was him
I knew it was
I wanted to put my foot down and get the hell out of there
But the car in front of me slowed to a crawl
It seemed to take forever for me to drive past
I don't know if he saw me
I don't really care
But by the time I got to the meeting 
I was a mess
I had to sit in my car for a couple of minutes
And just breathe
And calm down
I managed to compose myself
And headed in to the meeting 

I guess it was bound to happen 
I was bound to run in to him sooner or later
In reality we frequent the same villages and towns
This is a small area
It was always going to happen
But still
I wasn't prepared for it
And it rattled me something serious
Just knowing that he is around unsettles me

But how and ever
It happened 
I survived 
I'm sure it will happen again
And I will survive that too

In other news
I reconnected with an old friend yesterday
When I first moved here
I used to attend meetings regularly
I mentioned in my last post that I was friendly with two of the men
One of the men in particular became a family friend
I guess he was like a sponsor to me really
We were friends for years
But I went of the rails
And pulled away from him and all my friends
I've spoke to him maybe a couple of times in the last few years
And yesterday I rang him
He didn't know who it was at first
I kept him guessing 
When he heard me speak
He knew then
It was so good to speak to him
And he was delighted to hear from me
We arranged to meet tomorrow and then get a meeting in
He's someone that I want in my life

So I am doing ok
Keeping close to good friends
Getting a lot of meetings
Staying out of trouble
I'm trying
And that's the main thing