Monday Monday

TI was so glad to make it to today

Yesterday was a tough day

It started out ok

I brought the dogs for our usual walk

It was a beautiful day weather wise

I came home

My sister and her friend were going out for the day

But I elected to stay at home

Thinking that I wanted some time to myself

So I ended up being home alone all day

And I did nothing but watch tv

A few hours in

And I could feel my head starting to go

I started thinking

And over thinking

And ruminating 

I could feel the madness setting in

And I didn't like it

I was supposed to meet a friend in the evening before my meeting

But he cancelled 

So I had the whole day alone

About two hours before the meeting

I began to argue with myself whether to go or not

I was going around in circles in my head

And couldn't make a decision one way or the other

My mother came home 

And I was I foul humour

I finally decided to go to the meeting

But I was now running late and needed to hussle

I jumped in my car

Feeling under pressure

I was speeding along 

I got on to the main road

And I could feel the anxiety building in me

Then it all got too much

And I had to pull in to the side of the road

I didn't know what to do

I felt so overwhelmed 

I rang my mum

And she told me to go home 

So I turned around 

And admitted defeat

I got home

And felt like utter crap

I really wanted and needed to get to a meeting 

And was beating myself up that I didn't go

My mother told me to write off the day

And start a fresh today

I haven't been to a meeting since Saturday

And I really feel it

I feel tense 

Anxious

A little bit crazy 

It just goes to show 

I do need a meeting every day at the moment

I need all the help I can get right now

But if nothing else

I learned something from this weekend

That I shouldn't spend too long on my own

And I need regular meetings

I had my doctor appointment this morning as yesterday was a bank holiday

I woke up feeling a lot better

And headed in for 9 am

He mentioned the fact that we were supposed to decrease my methadone today 

I put up no fight

As I am all out of excuses and reasons not to

So it was dropped from 26 to 24 mls

I probably won't even notice it to be honest

For the last couple of years

I've been having a lot of trouble with the nail on my big toe 

It was in grown in the past

And part of it had to be removed

And then it started to discolour 

And grew extremely thick

I've been meaning to show it to my doctor for months

And finally got around to it today

He said it would have to come off

And made an appointment for me for next Tuesday

I don't even mind

I am just glad that fine thing is being five about it at long last

After my doctor

I had an appointment with my counsellor Breda 

We talked about a lot of things

She really is very good

One of the best I have seen

It's great because there are so many positives in my life right now

So many things to be grateful for 

I have so much support

And as I always say

If love and support could get me well

I would have got well a long time ago

I even feel better about my body image today

Which is so good 

Eve made the point on my last post

That feeling ugly at certain times is not an ED thing

It's a girl thing

And you know I think she is right

I think a lot of the time

Our confidence

And self esteem

Is connected to our appearance

It shouldn't be 

But it is

So I tried on my outfit again today

Here it is......

Mirror mirror

For lack of anything else to write about

Today I was just going to do an outfit post

The weather has been lovely this weekend 

So pale arms and legs are being exposed  everywhere

I was tempted to get mine out

And put together a nice spring outfit

I decided to take photos of the clothes first

I laid them out carefully on the bed 

And snapped away

They looked great

A pair of blue cropped Brakeburn trousers

A cream and blue Brakeburn t-shirt

And my new Fat Face sandals

Then I tried the clothes on

To take some more photos

But somehow 

Instead of the clothes making me look nice

I seemed to make the clothes look horrible

My top half seems to be disproportionately bigger than my bottom half

My arms looked flabby

My middle looked like someone in their second trimester of pregnancy

My legs?

Well the less said about them the better

Even my feet

They seemed to make the dainty little sandals look grotesque

I couldn't even take one photo

I just threw my phone on to the bed

And changed in to a tracksuit

I know what you are thinking 

This girl has an eating disorder

Of course she sees herself through a warped perception

I wish that were true

I know part of the illness is that we are especially harsh on ourselves

And possibly don't see the truth when we look in the mirror

I get that 

I do

But I really do think that I am seeing myself in a realistic way

I really am not physically very nice to look at

This makes me worry about the approaching summer season

As the sun forces me to peel off layer after layer 

Until all that is left is vast white flesh 

Come back winter

All is forgiven!

Here are the photos of said clothes 

Sunday morning walk

It was lovely and warm and dry this morning

So my sister and Honey and Lea and I headed in to the beach for a walk

A good time was had by all

Here are some photos.....

A is for anxiety

Eek I've been averaging about a meeting a day for the last two weeks 

And boy had it made a difference

To my head

My mental health

My mood 

My peace of mind 

My self esteem

All of these things have improved so so much

Now I am wondering why I didn't go back to meetings sooner!

There have been many times over the last few years

When I have slowly driven by a meeting venue

Dying to go in

Yet it seemed so impossible

I just couldn't muster the courage to step in to that room

Thinking about it used to send me in to a frenzy of panic and anxiety

I really doubted that I would ever get back to meetings 

Like a lot of things with me

It was a mental thing

Once I wrapped my head around the fact that if I wanted to get well I had to go to meetings

Then it seemed a lot more doable

It felt possible

Manageable

It was the same when I gave up smoking

Once I made the decision in my head 

And decided to give up

That was half the battle

It just goes to show the power of the mind

And how much it can help or hinder us

I went to an NA meeting last night in town

I was on my own driving in

So I was feeling a bit anxious

I'm not too confident driving in town either

I'm so used to country roads

And back roads

So motor ways and main roads scare me some

Anyway

I made it to the meeting

I was a bit late 

So slipped in to the room

And took a seat

There was about 10 at the meeting

And for some reason I felt majorly anxious

My breathing was short and shallow 

As if I couldn't get enough oxygen in to my lungs

I was dreading having to speak

And at one point didn't think I'd be able to speak at all

But towards the end of the meeting

I found myself saying

My name is a Ruby

And I am an addict

I find speaking quite hard at the best of times

So talking in front of a room full of people can be quite the scary experience

And it's speaking about done very personal stuff

So there is the fear of what people will think of you

As I spoke

I could feel the words falling out of my mouth at a terrific speed 

I could feel one of my legs shaking nervously

As I twisted my other foot around and around 

I'm not entirely sure why I felt so anxious

Sometimes I speak at meetings

And I feel totally comfortable 

With no anxiety at all

But then other times

Anxiety hits me hard

And that makes everything so much harder

Looking back on my life

I can see that I began suffering with anxiety when I was a teenager

I can remember sitting in school

And feeling this overwhelming feeling of panic and fear

I didn't call it anxiety at the time

But now I can see that is what it was

I was bullied in high school too

By girls from another school

It wasn't anything too serious 

But it knocked my confidence

And fuelled my anxiety

I began to get wary around other people

Especially meeting new people

Or people who reminded me of the bullies

That experience has effected me to this day

And how I see myself and others

Since then

I have categorised people in to different sections 

Those I feel comfortable around

Those I fear

Those I can be myself around

And those I want to like me

I can usually make up my mind very quickly who belongs where 

I know this might sound a little strange 

But this the effect that bullying had on me

I deal with anxiety every single day 

In one form or another 

More often than not 

It's the anticipation of an event

That makes me more anxious than the event itself 

It's the run up to it

The thinking about it  

Over thinking it

Analysing 

And dissecting it

The event itself is usually fine

It's such hard work and feeling anxious

I find that I change my personality to suit whoever I am with

Not too much anymore 

But I used to do it a lot  

It is aWlways so refreshing being around someone who you can totally be yourself around

My sister is a good example of this 

She is one of the few people that knows me inside and out

I can be my crazy bat shit self around

And she doesn't bat an eyelid

But when I am out and about 

Anxiety can cripple me 

Not can stop me living my life to its full potential

I am on medication for anxiety 

But I do wonder how much it really helps

I was wondering about you 

Do you suffer from anxiety?

If yes

How do deal with it?

Unfollowed

I don't tend to worry about the number of followers I have

But I've noticed in the past week

I've been unfollowed three times 

And I am wondering why that is

I know that I've let certain people down over the last couple of months

I know people were disappointed when I relapsed

I've also been getting some nasty anonymous comments 

I don't know if the two are connected

And also the tone of my blog has changed recently

And is much more recovery orientated 

I know that's not as interesting to read about as the highs and lows of addiction or living with an ED

Maybe people don't want to read about my getting my life together 

And that's ok

I would rather have ten people read about my recovery

Than 100 people read about my relapse

I guess it hurts a little bit

It's like someone in real life telling you that they don't want to be friends any more

I know on the last couple of weeks 

I've been paying a lot more attention to my real life relationships 

And my real life

And less time to my blogging life

I try to blog everyday still

But I've had to invest time in my relationships with family and friends

As I had really neglected them

I was talking with my addiction counsellor Breda on Monday

We were talking about the topic of friendship

She was asking me about my friends

I told her that I have a few close friends

Not many

But the ones I have are real and honest and loyal

The rest are acquaintances 

Who I pass the time of day with

But no more than that

Know that I am back attending meetings

My social circle is expanding 

But I am pretty choosy about who I become friends with

I would much rather have a few good friends 

Rather than lots of people who are not true friends 

As you know 

I have two older sisters

And that is awesome 

As its like having two best friends who are always there no matter what

Apart from that

I guess Marie would be my best friend

Then I have my good friend from treatment

My ex sponsor

And a couple of others who I see regularly

I tend to be quite a shy person

Until I get to know you

Then I show you who I really am

But I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to other people

I always assume that people don't like me

I mean 

I don't like myself very much

So why would others like me?

Over the last couple of weeks

I've been meeting a lot of people at meetings

And people who I used to know

I've been welcomed back in to the rooms so warmly 

And that surprised me a little

I guess I thought that no one would have missed me

And not even noticed that I had left

But they did

And that is surprising to me

In the midst of my addiction and ED

I pulled away from all of my friends

So I am only really starting to see people again

And to want to see people

Not hide away from the world

As it turns out

I am quite a sociable person

I love to chat

And laugh

And really get on with someone

But sometimes fear and anxiety get the better of me

And I clam up

And can't talk at all

I hate when that happens

As I think people can think I am standoffish or cold 

It's not that at all 

It's that I am paralysed by fear

At the meeting yesterday 

I read a reading about people pleasing

The writer described how they used to 'turn themselves in to a pretzel' trying to please others

I could relate to this so much

I am a confirmed people pleaser

I want people to like me

So I do everything I can to make that happen

Even if it hurts me

Even if it doesn't suit me

Even if though it feels wrong

I put others needs before my own

It's not a nice way to live your life

They say in order to recover

You have to be a bit selfish

I now know what this means 

You know when you are on a plane

And they are doing the safety demo

They always say to put your own oxygen mask on

Before you put others on

I get this now

We are no use to anyone 

If we are not well ourselves

It makes perfect sense really

So I will go my best to do this

It will be a new and scary experience

But it's all part of my recovery

It's simple 

But it's not easy

I was wondering about you

Do you have many friends?

Do you believe that quality is better than quantity?

What do you think makes a good friend?

I'd love to know......

Anorexia in men

The weather was shocking last night

So instead of heading in to town to NA

I decided to head to one of the villages near me to AA

My sister was going too

So I called in to get on the way

And we both headed over

For some reason I get a lot more nervous at AA meetings 

Maybe because they tend to be a lot bigger

We arrived 

My sister made tea

And I took a seat in one of the comfortable arm chairs

We chatted for a few minutes 

And then the meeting started 

Just then someone came in

And took a seat across from me

I recognised the person

A guy 

But I couldn't tell where I knew him from

Or how

The first thing I noticed was that he was very slim

Then when he sat down

He took out a packet of sweets

And seemed very absorbed in them

As the meeting went on

I glanced over at him a couple of times 

I knew him from somewhere

I just couldn't figure out where

He was young 

Maybe younger than me

Dressed in jeans and trainers

One leg crossed over the other 

He really was very slim

I had my suspicions 

After the preamble was read out

The meeting began

This particular guy was the first to speak

When he introduced himself

I knew straight away who he was

He was a guy I used to know

A long time ago 

He went to NA at the same time I did

He looked the same 

Yet he looked a lot different 

The meeting went on

I spoke a little bit

It was over before I knew it

Afterwards we all had tea

And this guy came over to talk to me

He remembered me too

I told him that he looked different

He said henchman lost a lot of weight 

That he had been very sick

And they did lots of tests

But they couldn't find anything wrong with him

And that it was psychological

This sounded very familiar

As this is pretty much exactly how my story started out 

He continued to speak

He mention 

Weight 

Numbers 

Exercise

I could relate to everything 

He was speaking at a terrific rate

Words poured out of him like water

And I was finding it hard to keep up

Eventually I told him how much I could identify

I said I didn't know if it was the same thing

But I had anorexia/bulimia 

And it was every bit as serious as my addiction

He did not exactly say the words

'I have an eating disorder'

But he pretty much described the text book ED type

He talked about having four sets of scales

Running

Trying to get below certain weights

Typical behaviours of someone with an ED

He explained how it was very difficult to talk about it 

As men don't talk about that kind of thing

We went outside

He smoked and talked

I listened 

The words continued to fall out of his mouth

He is obviously  in a bad place

And doesn't have his addiction fully under control either

We drank our tea

And got ready to leave 

I took the guys number 

And he asked me to text him

I said I would

I think this is the first time I've ever spoken to a male with an ED

Maybe I have in the past unknowingly

But this guy is the first

I really felt for him

I guess this illness is mainly thought of as a female illness

Maybe this is why he's telling people that he's been ill

As it's easier than telling the truth 

He was on my mind all last night

I just kept thinking how much he had to deal with 

And how life is so cruel

And how could I help him

But I need to be careful when I start thinking like that

As I start thinking I can save the world

And get way ahead of myself

It's not my place to help this guy

I need to help myself first

I had to remind myself that I am in the same boat as this guy

I am the one that needs to accept the help right now

Not give it out

I guess last night was a reminder that men suffer from this illness too

Albeit it's a lot rarer in men 

But we musn't forget them

In other news 

I am doing good

My new teeth are amazing

And I am going around grinning like a Cheshire Cat

I am getting on average one meeting a day 

And it is doing me the power of good

To anyone that is struggling out there today

Hang on in there

Just keep hanging on

As my sponsor used to say to me

Don't quit five minutes before the miracle

New teeth!

As some of you may know

I started the process of getting new teeth last August

My teeth were in a sorry state 

Years of not looking after then

And methadone which really did a number on my teeth

Methadone is a sugary syrup that is swallowed

So every day for the last 10 years 

My teeth have been rinsed in it

My teeth themselves were rotting out of my head

I had to get so many removed

And so much work done on them

I finally decided to get them done last year

So the last rights months has been the process of improving my teeth

Temporary crowns were put in

And then today the permanent ones were put in

Below is a photo of said teeth

I don't have any before photos 

But trust me

They were atrocious