Tantastic

In an effort to make myself feel a little better about the whole summer thing

I've taken to working on my tan

The weather here is starting to improve

So there is no need for knits and fleeces any more

Which is a shame because I love wrapping up on cold winter days

The one thing that I hate about summer 

Is the fact that less clothes are necessary

But I always feel better about myself if I have a colour

So I signed up for 100 minutes in the sun shower of my local leisure centre

I've already used 45 minutes in 3 days

As you know

I don't do things by halves 

The other reason I was dreading summer

Was because of my toe

This tie has given me no end of trouble over the years

What with in grown nails 

Growing in the wrong direction

And generally not doing what a big toe is supposed to do

After years of hiding my toes 

And pretending there is nothing wrong with it

I finally showed my doctor said toe on Tursday

He took one look at it

And said it would have to come off

The nail that is 

Not the toe

Even though the whole procedure sounds horrific

I am actually glad that something is finally being done about it 

At last I will be able to get all my toes out and not scare small children with its grossness

I would show you a photo of said toe

But I don't want to put you off your breakfast

In recovery 

You hear a lot about self care

Looking after yourself

Mentally

Physically

And spiritually

In the midst of addiction or an ED

Self care is not high on your list of priorities

You are generally too busy trying to kill your self 

They also say that you need to be a bit selfish

And put yourself first

This does not come very easily for me

As I am a natural people pleaser

I want to please people

I want to be liked

And I want people to think well of me

But this can back fire

As people pleasers can be rather annoying

But I am starting to look after myself

By getting my teeth done

Getting my toe done

Going to meetings

Going to therapy

Keeping my side of the street clean as it were 

Taking care of myself is a new phenomenon 

I spent years abusing myself

I didn't care about me or my health

I can remember being down in my sisters house

She would always have supplements and vitamins and health aids out on the counter

I remember thinking why would you bother?

What is the point?

But now I can see that she was taking care of her health

And that is great

I'm just not quite there yet

My body image changes from day to day

From minute to minute

Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror 

And I think I look grotesque

Other times I see something that approaches ok

 My weight is holding steady

Fluctuating a kilo either way

If I am honest

I would love to be 5 pounds lighter

But I know it's a dangerous game yo think like that

My BMI is stable at about 20

Just about healthy 

And I am ok with that

I am trying to do little things to help me feel better about my body

The tanning

Wearing pretty and comfortable clothes

Exercising 

Doing my hair

My nails 

All these things make me feel a little bit better

I was wondering about you

How is your body image?

What do you do to improve your body image?

Are you like me and find summer difficult?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Are you addicted?

Yesterday was the first time in forever that I missed a day posting 

I did try to

But the blogger app on my phone wasn't playing ball

So it didn't happen

But anyway

On to todays topic

I was at a meeting last night

It's my sisters home group

So I called in to her on the way

And we went together

It was an AA meeting

And there was quite a big crowd there

My friend was there 

The guy who has an ED

He slept through the whole meeting

But who am I to judge 

I've often done the same myself

There was a woman doing the top table 

And she shared her experience of addiction and recovery

I was delighted to see a woman doing it

As more often than not it is a man

And boy do men love to talk

Especially when they have a captive audience

I have seen men speak for a full hour when they are given the chance

So I was glad to get a female perspective

The speaker was great

I could identify a lot

She spoke about how she has other addictions too

I could really relate to that

After the meeting 

The woman told me a bit about herself

And mentioned that she had a shopping addiction

And that she had nearly gone bankrupt she was spending so much money

This sounded very familiar

It sounded just like me!

When I got home

I was thinking about how I think it's possible for me to get addicted to anything

I just have that type of personality

Where if I get a good feeling off of something

Or it numbs me 

Or gives me a buzz

Or it takes me out of my head

And away from myself

Then there is a good chance that I will go back for it again and again

Despite the destruction it causes

So we all know I was addicted to drink and drugs

And that I have an eating disorder

Very common addictions

But what else am I addicted to?

I remember doing a post on this back a couple of years ago

So this is an update on that

As my list has changed done

The number one offender has to be methadone 

I'm now ten years on a methadone programme

And I am well and truly addicted to it

Mentally 

Physically

Psychologically 

Every freakin' way

The first thing I do every morning is take my methadone

My life revolves around it

I have a routine of going to the doctor and pharmacy every Monday morning

And then collecting the methadone every few days

It has become such a big part of my life

Part of me

Of who I am 

It is being reduced though

Albeit very slowly

And I am putting up some resistance

It was reduced this week

Just by 2 mls

But it's still a big deal

Any change is a big deal

Then I have my other meds

Two anti depressants

And anti anxiety meds

I am pretty dependant on these too

Although they are not physically addictive

To me they are addictive

I would really miss them if I did not have them

One huge thing that has changed on my addiction list is cigarettes 

I was a confirmed and passionate smoker for almost twenty years

I loved smoking 

The first one of the morning was always my favourite

I was quite a heavy smoker

Thirty a day 

Which was costing me €100 a week

So last August

While I was away in London

On the morning of the 11th

At about 10 30am

I smoked my last one

And haven't had one since 

It's now been eight months 

And I haven't looked back

I am now officially 

A non smoker

But of course when I get one addiction under control

Another one always pops up

Cue shopping addiction

When I gave up smoking

I found that I had some extra money at the end of the week

But instead of saving it like a normal human being

I elected to spend it

Now it seems like when I get money in to my hand 

I feel compelled to spend it

It's only just out of the ATM

And I am handing it over in a shop

Or spending it in line

On line shopping has become quite the hobby for me

And I have to admit 

I get a great thrill out of it

Trawling the Internet for new clothes

Finding something that I just have to have

Clicking the 'Buy now' button

Getting the email that tells me my order has been successfully placed

Then the email to tell me that my order has been shipped

Oh the excitement of it all is too much!

Knowing that there is a parcel on its way to me

And then when it finally arrives

I am almost beside myself 

When the post man rings the door bell

And I open the door to a big juicy package

I sign for it

And take the package in to my arms

Cradling it like it is a new born baby

Then tearing in to it

To find the treasures inside

I take out the items

And my life now feels complete

Now that I have this shirt/skirt/scarf

I never need to shop again 

My wardrobe is also complete

But of course

That buzz wears off quite quickly

Soon the item you just couldn't live without 

Becomes just another piece of clothes

Like every other piece you own

That's when I'm drawn back in

And I find myself searching the Internet once more....

I their addictions which feature in my life to a greater or lesser extent are as followings

In no particular order

Tea

Hot sweet tea

If I am at home 

Then I have a cup of tea in my hand

I am constantly boiling the kettle 

And it drives my family nuts

I just love tea

It's warm 

it's comforting 

I used to enjoy a cup of tea and a smoke 

Now I just enjoy the tea

Over and over again

My phone

Since I got my first iPhone

( yes I was a latecomer to this world)

I am pretty much addicted to it

I used to look at my sister 

Who was constantly glued to her iPhone

And wonder what was so interesting

Now I know 

Now I know the wonder that is the phone

I am coverted

I tend to go through phases of being addicted to different foods

Right now it's white chocolate

More specifically Milkybars

I crave it the way I used to crave heroin

Honestly 

The craving is that strong

I have been known to drive miles out of my way to get my precious Milkybars

I remember a few years ago it used to be Drifter bars

One day before I learned to drive

I had my mother drive all over the place looking for these bars

Nothing else would do

I ate then like they were going out of fashion

And then they did

So I had to find something else to fixate on

Sweeteners

As many cups of tea I drink a day

I use three sweeteners in each cup

These don't be long adding up

And I'm sure they are bad for me

But since when did that stop me?

Tv

I am a tv addict

Especially food shows

Like Come dine with me

Masterchef

My kitchen rules

I also love a good box set 

Like Breaking Bad

The next one I'm going to watch is Better call Saul

Can't wait to get stuck in to that one

That's all I can think of right now

I guess it's enough 

I was wondering about you 

Are you addicted to anything?

Are you like me and have an addictive personality?

I'd love to know

Are you addicted?

Monday Monday

TI was so glad to make it to today

Yesterday was a tough day

It started out ok

I brought the dogs for our usual walk

It was a beautiful day weather wise

I came home

My sister and her friend were going out for the day

But I elected to stay at home

Thinking that I wanted some time to myself

So I ended up being home alone all day

And I did nothing but watch tv

A few hours in

And I could feel my head starting to go

I started thinking

And over thinking

And ruminating 

I could feel the madness setting in

And I didn't like it

I was supposed to meet a friend in the evening before my meeting

But he cancelled 

So I had the whole day alone

About two hours before the meeting

I began to argue with myself whether to go or not

I was going around in circles in my head

And couldn't make a decision one way or the other

My mother came home 

And I was I foul humour

I finally decided to go to the meeting

But I was now running late and needed to hussle

I jumped in my car

Feeling under pressure

I was speeding along 

I got on to the main road

And I could feel the anxiety building in me

Then it all got too much

And I had to pull in to the side of the road

I didn't know what to do

I felt so overwhelmed 

I rang my mum

And she told me to go home 

So I turned around 

And admitted defeat

I got home

And felt like utter crap

I really wanted and needed to get to a meeting 

And was beating myself up that I didn't go

My mother told me to write off the day

And start a fresh today

I haven't been to a meeting since Saturday

And I really feel it

I feel tense 

Anxious

A little bit crazy 

It just goes to show 

I do need a meeting every day at the moment

I need all the help I can get right now

But if nothing else

I learned something from this weekend

That I shouldn't spend too long on my own

And I need regular meetings

I had my doctor appointment this morning as yesterday was a bank holiday

I woke up feeling a lot better

And headed in for 9 am

He mentioned the fact that we were supposed to decrease my methadone today 

I put up no fight

As I am all out of excuses and reasons not to

So it was dropped from 26 to 24 mls

I probably won't even notice it to be honest

For the last couple of years

I've been having a lot of trouble with the nail on my big toe 

It was in grown in the past

And part of it had to be removed

And then it started to discolour 

And grew extremely thick

I've been meaning to show it to my doctor for months

And finally got around to it today

He said it would have to come off

And made an appointment for me for next Tuesday

I don't even mind

I am just glad that fine thing is being five about it at long last

After my doctor

I had an appointment with my counsellor Breda 

We talked about a lot of things

She really is very good

One of the best I have seen

It's great because there are so many positives in my life right now

So many things to be grateful for 

I have so much support

And as I always say

If love and support could get me well

I would have got well a long time ago

I even feel better about my body image today

Which is so good 

Eve made the point on my last post

That feeling ugly at certain times is not an ED thing

It's a girl thing

And you know I think she is right

I think a lot of the time

Our confidence

And self esteem

Is connected to our appearance

It shouldn't be 

But it is

So I tried on my outfit again today

Here it is......

Mirror mirror

For lack of anything else to write about

Today I was just going to do an outfit post

The weather has been lovely this weekend 

So pale arms and legs are being exposed  everywhere

I was tempted to get mine out

And put together a nice spring outfit

I decided to take photos of the clothes first

I laid them out carefully on the bed 

And snapped away

They looked great

A pair of blue cropped Brakeburn trousers

A cream and blue Brakeburn t-shirt

And my new Fat Face sandals

Then I tried the clothes on

To take some more photos

But somehow 

Instead of the clothes making me look nice

I seemed to make the clothes look horrible

My top half seems to be disproportionately bigger than my bottom half

My arms looked flabby

My middle looked like someone in their second trimester of pregnancy

My legs?

Well the less said about them the better

Even my feet

They seemed to make the dainty little sandals look grotesque

I couldn't even take one photo

I just threw my phone on to the bed

And changed in to a tracksuit

I know what you are thinking 

This girl has an eating disorder

Of course she sees herself through a warped perception

I wish that were true

I know part of the illness is that we are especially harsh on ourselves

And possibly don't see the truth when we look in the mirror

I get that 

I do

But I really do think that I am seeing myself in a realistic way

I really am not physically very nice to look at

This makes me worry about the approaching summer season

As the sun forces me to peel off layer after layer 

Until all that is left is vast white flesh 

Come back winter

All is forgiven!

Here are the photos of said clothes 

Sunday morning walk

It was lovely and warm and dry this morning

So my sister and Honey and Lea and I headed in to the beach for a walk

A good time was had by all

Here are some photos.....

A is for anxiety

Eek I've been averaging about a meeting a day for the last two weeks 

And boy had it made a difference

To my head

My mental health

My mood 

My peace of mind 

My self esteem

All of these things have improved so so much

Now I am wondering why I didn't go back to meetings sooner!

There have been many times over the last few years

When I have slowly driven by a meeting venue

Dying to go in

Yet it seemed so impossible

I just couldn't muster the courage to step in to that room

Thinking about it used to send me in to a frenzy of panic and anxiety

I really doubted that I would ever get back to meetings 

Like a lot of things with me

It was a mental thing

Once I wrapped my head around the fact that if I wanted to get well I had to go to meetings

Then it seemed a lot more doable

It felt possible

Manageable

It was the same when I gave up smoking

Once I made the decision in my head 

And decided to give up

That was half the battle

It just goes to show the power of the mind

And how much it can help or hinder us

I went to an NA meeting last night in town

I was on my own driving in

So I was feeling a bit anxious

I'm not too confident driving in town either

I'm so used to country roads

And back roads

So motor ways and main roads scare me some

Anyway

I made it to the meeting

I was a bit late 

So slipped in to the room

And took a seat

There was about 10 at the meeting

And for some reason I felt majorly anxious

My breathing was short and shallow 

As if I couldn't get enough oxygen in to my lungs

I was dreading having to speak

And at one point didn't think I'd be able to speak at all

But towards the end of the meeting

I found myself saying

My name is a Ruby

And I am an addict

I find speaking quite hard at the best of times

So talking in front of a room full of people can be quite the scary experience

And it's speaking about done very personal stuff

So there is the fear of what people will think of you

As I spoke

I could feel the words falling out of my mouth at a terrific speed 

I could feel one of my legs shaking nervously

As I twisted my other foot around and around 

I'm not entirely sure why I felt so anxious

Sometimes I speak at meetings

And I feel totally comfortable 

With no anxiety at all

But then other times

Anxiety hits me hard

And that makes everything so much harder

Looking back on my life

I can see that I began suffering with anxiety when I was a teenager

I can remember sitting in school

And feeling this overwhelming feeling of panic and fear

I didn't call it anxiety at the time

But now I can see that is what it was

I was bullied in high school too

By girls from another school

It wasn't anything too serious 

But it knocked my confidence

And fuelled my anxiety

I began to get wary around other people

Especially meeting new people

Or people who reminded me of the bullies

That experience has effected me to this day

And how I see myself and others

Since then

I have categorised people in to different sections 

Those I feel comfortable around

Those I fear

Those I can be myself around

And those I want to like me

I can usually make up my mind very quickly who belongs where 

I know this might sound a little strange 

But this the effect that bullying had on me

I deal with anxiety every single day 

In one form or another 

More often than not 

It's the anticipation of an event

That makes me more anxious than the event itself 

It's the run up to it

The thinking about it  

Over thinking it

Analysing 

And dissecting it

The event itself is usually fine

It's such hard work and feeling anxious

I find that I change my personality to suit whoever I am with

Not too much anymore 

But I used to do it a lot  

It is aWlways so refreshing being around someone who you can totally be yourself around

My sister is a good example of this 

She is one of the few people that knows me inside and out

I can be my crazy bat shit self around

And she doesn't bat an eyelid

But when I am out and about 

Anxiety can cripple me 

Not can stop me living my life to its full potential

I am on medication for anxiety 

But I do wonder how much it really helps

I was wondering about you 

Do you suffer from anxiety?

If yes

How do deal with it?

Unfollowed

I don't tend to worry about the number of followers I have

But I've noticed in the past week

I've been unfollowed three times 

And I am wondering why that is

I know that I've let certain people down over the last couple of months

I know people were disappointed when I relapsed

I've also been getting some nasty anonymous comments 

I don't know if the two are connected

And also the tone of my blog has changed recently

And is much more recovery orientated 

I know that's not as interesting to read about as the highs and lows of addiction or living with an ED

Maybe people don't want to read about my getting my life together 

And that's ok

I would rather have ten people read about my recovery

Than 100 people read about my relapse

I guess it hurts a little bit

It's like someone in real life telling you that they don't want to be friends any more

I know on the last couple of weeks 

I've been paying a lot more attention to my real life relationships 

And my real life

And less time to my blogging life

I try to blog everyday still

But I've had to invest time in my relationships with family and friends

As I had really neglected them

I was talking with my addiction counsellor Breda on Monday

We were talking about the topic of friendship

She was asking me about my friends

I told her that I have a few close friends

Not many

But the ones I have are real and honest and loyal

The rest are acquaintances 

Who I pass the time of day with

But no more than that

Know that I am back attending meetings

My social circle is expanding 

But I am pretty choosy about who I become friends with

I would much rather have a few good friends 

Rather than lots of people who are not true friends 

As you know 

I have two older sisters

And that is awesome 

As its like having two best friends who are always there no matter what

Apart from that

I guess Marie would be my best friend

Then I have my good friend from treatment

My ex sponsor

And a couple of others who I see regularly

I tend to be quite a shy person

Until I get to know you

Then I show you who I really am

But I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to other people

I always assume that people don't like me

I mean 

I don't like myself very much

So why would others like me?

Over the last couple of weeks

I've been meeting a lot of people at meetings

And people who I used to know

I've been welcomed back in to the rooms so warmly 

And that surprised me a little

I guess I thought that no one would have missed me

And not even noticed that I had left

But they did

And that is surprising to me

In the midst of my addiction and ED

I pulled away from all of my friends

So I am only really starting to see people again

And to want to see people

Not hide away from the world

As it turns out

I am quite a sociable person

I love to chat

And laugh

And really get on with someone

But sometimes fear and anxiety get the better of me

And I clam up

And can't talk at all

I hate when that happens

As I think people can think I am standoffish or cold 

It's not that at all 

It's that I am paralysed by fear

At the meeting yesterday 

I read a reading about people pleasing

The writer described how they used to 'turn themselves in to a pretzel' trying to please others

I could relate to this so much

I am a confirmed people pleaser

I want people to like me

So I do everything I can to make that happen

Even if it hurts me

Even if it doesn't suit me

Even if though it feels wrong

I put others needs before my own

It's not a nice way to live your life

They say in order to recover

You have to be a bit selfish

I now know what this means 

You know when you are on a plane

And they are doing the safety demo

They always say to put your own oxygen mask on

Before you put others on

I get this now

We are no use to anyone 

If we are not well ourselves

It makes perfect sense really

So I will go my best to do this

It will be a new and scary experience

But it's all part of my recovery

It's simple 

But it's not easy

I was wondering about you

Do you have many friends?

Do you believe that quality is better than quantity?

What do you think makes a good friend?

I'd love to know......