The skinny of it

LIf we look back at weight over the years

And what was considered attractive

Like fashion

It goes through trends

Back in the 60's

Curves and shapes were very much in

Marilyn Monroe who was and still is considered one of the worlds most attractive women

Was a beautiful size 14

Then in the 90's

The rise of the super model took over

And models like Kate Moss 

Made heroin chic sexy

All over the run ways and magazines

Thin was in

Women flaunted their bones like trophies

Sharp cheek bones

And chiseled features were the flavour of the month

And then of course the phenomenon that is size zero

Became an international obsession

The skinnier the better

And that is still popular

But I think positive body image is something that is so important

I saw a show during the week 

Called Plus Sized Wars

It was about the rise and increased popularity of plus size models

Especially on the Internet

Girls like the model and blogger Tess Munster

Who is a size 24

And has a massive following on line

It's people like Tess

Who are bucking the trend of super skinny

And empowering women of all sizes to be proud and confident in their skin

Tess really is a beautiful looking girl

And I can see why she is in such high demand

And even though she is three times the size of an average model

She is still smokin' hit

She also sending out a positive message to young people

That beauty is not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

It is so much more than that

This show was an eye opener for me

As I am one of the peoe who has been influenced by the media

And although the media did not cause my ED

It most definitely did not help

I used to look at photos of models

Long and lithe limbs

Flawless faces

An impossible standard to reach

But I still compared myself to them

And my confidence took a real battering

 

My own perception of what is attractive has also changed

I used to favour skinny 

The thinner the better

And there was no such thing as too skinny

I envied other girls 

But these other girls were usually a lot younger than me

It's a pain in the ass fact that as you get older 

Your body changes

You no longer have the lean frame you had when you were twenty

Your body developes curves and shapes

It's all part of being a woman

For some reason

It is really hard for me to call myself a woman

Because I swear I don't feel like a woman

And don't really look like one

Or dress like one

Or behave like one

In my mind I am still 22

But the fact is that I am a woman

A curved

Shapely woman

And I am beginning to accept that 

As I get older

I see that being attractive has very little to do with physical beauty

And more to do with confidence and personality

Beauty radiates from within

It comes out when we smile

When we laugh

I always find passion attractive

When someone talks about something they love

That can be really attractive

It's not about what a person wears

It's more about what they say

Their behaviour

Their openness

Their honesty

Their kindness

Their sense of humour

The way they treat others

What they believe

Their values

Their ability to laugh

And laugh at themselves

To see the positive in life

A hunger for life

For adventure i

There is so much more than a pretty face

My BMI has now settled at 19

Just about healthy

And surprisinglyHuuoi

I am ok with that

 I know that I am not overweight

Or underweight

I don't feel big or awkward the way I felt this time last year 

And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I was wondering about you

What do you find attractive?

Do you think thin is still in?

I'd love to know......

Appointment with Mary

Today was pretty busy

I was asked to open the lunch time meeting today

Which meant that I had to have the room open and ready

Provide tea, coffee and snacks

Mind the money

Put chairs out

And read the preamble

I have to admit

I was really nervous to do this 

And spent all day yesterday fretting about it

Which led to an epic binge/purge session 

That lasted all freakin' day

This morning I was a bit calmer

I had a job to do

And I was determined to do it well

I arrived at the meeting venue at about12 45pm

I arranged the chairs in a circle

Put the kettle on

And generally got the place ready

It felt good 

I felt like I was really part of things

And that I could be trusted to do this job

Another lady came then

And helped me 

One by one people trickled in to the room

And at about 1 05pm

I started to open the meeting

There was a lot of reading to be done

And I was anxious about that

But somehow o got through it

Without letting my anxiety get the better of me

When that was done 

I was the first to share

And we went around the room

Until everyone had shared

After we all said the serenity prayer at the end

I breathed a sigh of relief

I did it

I got through

It felt great

Then this afternoon 

I had an appointment to see Mary

I have seen her in about eight months

So I was really looking forward to seeing her

I settled in the waiting room

And soon I saw her friendly face PPP around the door

I followed her to the room

As soon as I walked in 

I saw the dreaded scales in the corner of the room

My heart skipped a beat

And I quickly looked away

We caught up for a few minutes

I filled her in on what has happened since I saw her

I told her that I am planning to do a course in September

But that I was very nervous about it

Mary told me a story about her going back to college in her forties and getting her degree

And now she is doing her masters

It was really inspiring to hear

She never ceases to amaze me

Mary reminded me of the first time I ever met her three years ago

She said I was so numb

So hopeless 

So battered by my ED

She compared them to now

And said I have come a long way

She sldo spoke about the ED conference that I spoke at two years ago

She said that people still tell her how my speech impacted them

That was so nice to hear

We decided that I would see Mary for eight sessions

And then reassess after that

It's great to have the support for my ED

And I feel like now is a critical time for me

I'm on the verge of being in recovery 

And I want it so badly

So all in all it was a good day

I'm now going to sit down with a hot cup of tea 

And relax......

Eloise Parry - Diet pill death

This is Eloise Parry

A normal 21 year old

Student at university

The world at her fingertips

At least it was 

Until she began taking diet pills

Much of the following is from the BBC website

The mother of a student thought to have taken highly toxic diet pills bought online has appealed to others not to consume them.

Eloise Parry, 21, from Shrewsbury died in hospital on 12 April after becoming unwell.

Police say the tablets were believed to contain dinitrophenol, known as DNP, an industrial chemical.

Eloise's mother Fiona said that it was 'an awful way to die' and people should not take the drug in any quantity.

Glyndwr university student Eloise initially attended A and E after taking more than the recommended dose of tablets.

Her mother told the BBC that the pills appeared to be Eloise's little fix adding, 'this allowed her to achieve her Superskinny appearance but it cost her her life'.

Fiona Parry said she had no idea her daughter was taking the pills until after she died describing them as bad news.

Eloise had walked in to the Royal Shrewsbury hospital herself and there was no great panic until a toxicology report revealed how dire her situation was.

As the drug kicked in it made her metabolism soar. 'They attempted to co her down but they were fighting an uphill battle. She was literally burning up from within, when her heart stopped, they couldn't revive her. She has crashed. Two tablets was a lethal dose and she had taken eight'.

Dinitrophenol or DNP is highly toxic and not intended for human consumption.

An industrial chemical, it is sold illegally in diet pills as a fat burning substance.

Users experience a metabolism boost leading to weight loss but taking even a few tablets can be fatal.

Signs of acute poisoning include nausea, vomiting, restlessness, flushed skin, sweating, dizziness, headaches, rapid respiration and irregular heart beat.

I was shocked but not surprised to hear of Eloise's death

I heard a statistic today that one in ten people have bought diet pills online

I know I have

A few years ago I bought two bottles of ephedrine on line

The recommended dose was to take two a day

But me being me I took about twelve

I thought I was going to die that weekend

I was so ill

Throwing up so much that my body was convulsing.

Never again

But I'm sure many of us have bought pills on line

Anything that promises weight loss is appealing to us

I just hope that this poor girls death serves as a warning to others not to buy diet pills on line.

Post, delete, repeat

After my last post

A reader left a comment expressing concern about what I had written

That I seemed to be boasting about my weight loss 

After reading this comment

I went back and re-read my post

And having done this

Promptly deleted it

That post was written by someone who was high on weight loss

I was revelling in it

And though I don't think I was boasting about losing weight

This post was definitely not healthy

And not written by someone who claims to be in recovery

Apologies for that

And thank you to the reader that had the courage to tell me the honest truth

Yea it's true that I have lost weight

But it's nothing to worry about

At least I think it's not

I'm still at a healthy weight

I still consider myself to be in recovery

I don't want to promote weight loss

Or eating disorders

And I think I was coming worrying close to that on my last post

Recovery is hard

It's more about progress than perfection as they say in the rooms

And I am most definitely not doing it perfectly

Sometimes I feel the lure of my ED

Sometimes it seems like the only option

I've had a family situation here over the weekend

Something that I won't go in to here

I will say that it upset me a lot

And I turned to the coping mechanism that I've used for 14 years

My ED

At the time it seems to help

Maybe in the short term

But in the long term it creates more problems than it solves

It's up to me to put the brakes on now

To maintain my weight

And maintain my recovery

I am in charge of my own destiny

I am the maker of my own dreams

I don't want to relapse

I don't want to be underweight

I just wanted to be happy in my own skin

I thought I would be at this weight 

And I am 

Kind of

Some of the time 

I guess it's part of the illness that we struggle greatly with body image

And that doesn't go away over night

I guess this is all part of the path of recovery

Sometimes we vere off course

Sometimes we get distracted

Or lured back in by our disorder

We think we want to go back to that life

Because life was simple then

Only one thing mattered

The illness

And losing weight

Recovery is an altogether different beast

There are challenges every single day

It's not an easy choice

Recovery can be tricky

It can be head wrecking

Dull

Monotonous 

Boring

Anxiety provoking 

Terrifying

But I would still choose it over my disorder any day of the week

Again

Apologies

Call it a momentary lapse in judgment

Call it being drunk on weight loss 

But that is not me

Any one who knows me knows that

I'm not giving up

I'm not giving in

Not by a long shot

The weighting game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last night

I go through periods of recording my weight

Although sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weight

I tend to only record it if it's going down 

As you know

It was around this time last year that I began to regain weight

It happened quite suddenly and quickly

But I didn't feel too bad about it

That was until I kept getting bigger

And my weight hit an all time high around September

I was really uncomfortable

I felt so big and cumbersome

And I don't think it suited me at all

Some people can carry a bit of extra weight

But my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable 

I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this time

The weather was amazing

And I wore a dress

I can remember feeling so self conscious

I hated my new curvy shape

It was also around this time that I gave up smoking

And I know I was eating more to fill the hole

Then as suddenly as I put in on

I began to lose it again

And lost almost twenty pounds

I was back weighing myself every day

Back obsessing about the number

I was bordering on a healthy weight

And I actually felt ok in my skin

Recently I put back on a few pounds

And wasn't feeling great about it

That's when I began to restrict again

I hadn't restricted in years

Thought I couldn't do it any more

But it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours 

Like a comfortable pair of slippers

My weight is back down to a BMI of 19

Nothing to worry about 

Yet

I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospital

It's bearable

It's manageable

I feel ok in my clothes

I think back to when I was 20 pounds heavier

And I don't know how I tolerated it

It's such a horrible feeling 

When your clothes begin to feel tight

When you are spilling out of them

When all your favourite clothes are too small

It's soul destroying 

And the thing is

When your weight is at a healthy point

People assume that because you look ok

Then you must be ok

And you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorder

The only thing that's changed is the number on the scale

You don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your body

It's a miserable place to be

The ideal thing now 

Would be to maintain this weight

I feel something approaching ok at this weight

I know that I ned to address the restriction 

Before it gets out of hand

When my mum came back from work this week

She commented that I looked like I had lost weight

My ED was overjoyed to hear this

And added fuel to the fire that is my disorder

I know I need to put the brakes on now

And not hurtle head first down the rabbit hole

I've come too far to let that happen again

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in this position?

When you regained weight

Was it all over the place like money?

Do let me know....

Tramadol test

I was at a meeting this week

Where I was talking about anxiety

I'm really struggling with it at the moment

And it is driving me nuts

It affects everything I do

And makes seemingly simple tasks impossible

Anxiety is a horrible thing

It's why so many people think they are having a heart attack

When they are in fact having an anxiety attack

I guess they are both similar

They both affect the breathing 

Tight chest

Pain

Panic

Fear

It can be a terrifying experience

So I was at this meeting

My anxiety wasn't too bad that day

And I even managed to read out the daily reading 

Usually I can't read in public at all 

When I was finished speaking

One of the men began to share

He said he was wondering why I read out the reading so fast

But now realised it was due to anxiety

Later on he suggested that I try Tramadol for my anxiety

I knew what Tranadol was

It's a morphine based pain killer

I remember when I was in hospital with pancreatitis 

Tramadol was the first thing they gave me

It didn't work at the time

Anyway

I was chatting with my friend after the meeting

She told me not to listen to the man

That he was not well

I left the meeting

And thought no more about it

During the week

My neighbour asked me if I would look after her dog for a few days

As she was going away

I said I would

So I've been over and back to the house

Feeding the dog

And bringing him for walks

I decided to sit with him for a while last night in the kitchen

I was watching tv

Minding my own business

When I spotted some blisters of meds on the table

My curiosity was pricked

And I turned the pack over to see what they were

And wouldn't ya know it

They were Tramadol

I had a huge urge to take a couple

I must have sat staring at them for ages

I had the dog on my lap 

And I kept thinking

Just one

One won't hurt

She won't even notice

At one point 

I picked up the pack

And was so close to taking a couple

But some how

I managed to resist 

I figured that my neighbour had trusted me with the key of her house

And left me in charge of her dog

How low would it be to steal her meds?

This woman was recently widowed 

And the last thing she needs is her greedy addict next door neighbour helping herself to her meds

I got home and breathed a sigh of relief

I can't lie

I was very close to taking those tablets

It was temptation in pill form 

I'm just so glad I didn't take them

And it's because I have gotten stronger over the last month

That I can resist

It's because I have been going to meetings

Because I am working a programme

Because I want to do the right thing

Because I want to get well

Because I want to be a good person

Tramadol test passed...... 

Looking after #1

When I was in the midst of my addiction and ED

I didn't care about myself

Or my health

I was too busy self destructing

And generally trying to kill myself

My health or well being just Nevet cane in to it

I didn't care about my teeth

It skin

Or hair 

Or nails

Drugs occupied my every waking moment

It was always a race to keep the sickness at bay

And I was always playing catch up

Even before my addiction and ED

I didn't give my health a second thought

I didn't like myself very much

So I didn't look after myself

As I didn't really see the point

I didn't think I was worth the trouble 

I didn't think I was worth the effort

During the worst of my ED

I denied myself basic human rights

Food and water

I starved

And binged

And purged

I did everything I could to hurt myself

I was so disconnected from my body

And what it needed

I didn't know how to care for myself

It felt so foreign

So wrong 

Hurting myself became normal

It's only really in the last year that I have started looking after myself

Last February

I was just out of treatment

Having been discharged after failing to gain weight

My weight was low

My mood was lower

I feared for my sanity and for my future

To cut a long story short

I did what I call a half hearted over dose

And took a weeks meds one evening

Thankfully all it did was put me in to a deep sleep

And I woke up the next day

I didn't tell anyone about the overdose

But then when I saw Mary the next week

I found myself telling her

She jumped in to action immediately

And gave me a choice

I could either present at the local psychiatric hospital

Or wait and see my doctor the next day

I chose the latter

And promised Mary I would be safe until then

I saw my doctor the next day

Mary had filled him in about what had happened 

I don't remember much about that appointment

Other than he changed my meds

And started me on Prozac 

All I could do then was hope and pray and wait for the drugs to work

Thankfully they did work

And my mood began to lift

And my anxiety lessened

It wasn't really a conscious thing

But I began to gain weight

As I gained the weight

I started to feel so much better

Life became easier

I could tolerate being me for the first time in a long time

Also my binging and purging became a lot more manageable 

I had been purging up to twenty times a day

It was killing me

It was such a relief to finally be free

Well almost free from bulimia

As I began to recover 

But by bit I started to take care of myself

Personal hygiene

Which really sufferers during my addiction

I started to take pride in my appearance again

Doing my hair and wearing nice clothes

Life was getting better

Years of being on methadone

Had really taken its toll on my teeth

Do last August I began the process of improving them

I found a brilliant dentist

Who gave me seven new crowns

Which drastically improved my teeth

And just two weeks ago

He finished them

And they now look a million times better

I had been so self conscious about them

And they really affected my confidence

It was a big decision to get them done

A big commitment

Especially financially 

It was a long and painful process

But they are now done

And I couldn't be more pleased with them

My teeth were the first thing to tackle

Then it was time to address my feet

As I explained on Tuesday

One of my big toe nails needed to come off

As it was beyond saving

I've had a problem with this toe for years

And kept putting it off yo do something

But I finally got it done this week

And it is such a relief to have it done

The next thing on my agenda

Is to get my eyes tested

My eyes are really failing at a rapid rate 

And I think I need glasses

I'm actually looking forward to getting them

As I think they can look really cool with the right pair

These are all things that I am doing for myself 

Looking after myself 

My body

My mind 

My spirit 

This is something of a revelation for me 

For such a long time it didn't matter

I didn't matter

It's a good feeling to be kind to myself

Because it's about time I began taking care of myself 

And putting myself and my mental and physical health first

Because without them

I have nothing