Party Trick

Everyone has a party trick

Something they can do

With their body or mind 

You might be double jointed 

Or be able to talk backwards 

For as long as I can remember 

My party trick has been mirror writing 

Writing with both hands 

One going forwards 

And the other backwards

I Am left handed 

But I do most other this like play tennis with my right hand 

So both hands are fairly strong 

I guess I am a bit ambidextrous

A useless talent

But interesting none the less

Some one told me once

That it means I am using both sides of my brain

Instead of just one side

Whether that's true or not I do not know 

Here is a little sample of mirror writing

I was wondering about you

Do you have a part trick?

Or something unusual that most people can't do? 

Which hand do you write with?

Can you write with both hands like me?

Answers on a post card please....

Sunday 10 January

Like a lot of things 

Blogger reflects life

Many many different communities 

All formed by the labels that have been given to us

Anorectic 

Bulimic

BPD

EDNOS

Anxiety 

Depression 

OCD

Trichotillimania 

Schizophrenic

Fashionista 

Lifestyle blogger

Make up 

Kids 

Pets 

Blogger has space for all of us

And our little corner of blogger

Is where we have all gathered

To support each other 

To get support 

To connect with others like us 

To identify 

To help each other get through the daily grind that is mental illness 

Even though it seems blogger has gone out of fashion

We still meet 

Every single day 

To read 

To write 

To not feel so alone 

It's an enormous part of our lives 

Blogger also reflects life

In that people come and go all the time 

In my life 

There has been a revolving door of people in and out for as long as I can remember 

Blogger is no different 

I guess I am thinking about this 

As I am coming up on 4 years blogging

And it's human to look back and reflect 

When I first started blogging 

Back in 2012 

There was a buzzing and thriving community

It was amazing to be part of this exciting movement 

Every day 

There was a large number of blogs to read 

It was both terrifying and thrilling to witness 

Sad that this community was needed

Yet so grateful to have the support 

I have met the most amazing people through my blog

And reading other blogs 

The best of friends 

Some of you have been there from the start 

Some of you are newer to blogger

But the amazing thing is

Everyone is welcome 

There is space 

And a place for us all

But of course 

Many have come and gone over the years 

Often with out reason or explanation 

The odd person might explain their reasons for leaving 

Maybe they are recovering 

And need to move on

Some feel the community is no longer healthy or helpful 

More often than not

They just vanish off the face of the blogosphere 

Never to be heard from again 

Two fellow bloggers who I befriended over the years 

And became very close to 

Have since left the blogosphere 

Deleted their blogs 

And don't reply to my messages anymore 

The first person in question 

Had been part of the ED blogging world for a time 

But had then 'recovered' And left

She still blogged 

But nothing to do with ED 

We were closer than close

We texted every day

She was a great support

But we disagreed over one fundamental issue 

She maintained that the ED community here on blogger was unhealthy 

She dismissed our comments on each other's blogs as sentimental drivel 

She urged me time and time again to leave 

Or at least branch out a little 

Not inspite of her honesty

I loved her because of her honesty 

As a lot of the time 

She made good points 

But alas 

We got in to a nasty argument 

And haven't spoken since 

I have since found out that she wasn't in recovery at all

She was severely underweight

And her life was crumbling around her ears 

I dont know how she is now 

I don't know if she is ok

If she's blogging 

If she's even alive 

I regret the argument we had 

We both said things we didn't mean 

I'd love to know how she is 

The other girl was a similar story 

We became very close 

Very quickly 

In constant contact

But again

We came to an impass 

And she fell of the face of the earth 

I still feel the loss of both friends 

There is a hole in my life that they once filled 

But that's life I guess

Not just life here on blogger 

People come and go

Nothing lasts forever

I have been thinking though 

Is this the reason that so many have left blogger?

Because they have found it to be unheAlthy? 

Is it unhealthy?

Are we deluding ourselves that what we have here is beneficial?

I worry about that 

I worry that we are enabling each other

Because of someone doesn't want to get well

We don't question that 

Of course that is supporting a choice someone makes 

But is it also supporting the illness?

I guess like everything in life

There are positives and negatives to blogging 

And there have been many times over the years

That I have weighed up blogging 

And whether it does more bad than good 

But I have always come to the conclusion

That the positive outweighs the negative 

My blog has saved my life many times 

The support and love and well wishes I have received had been overwhelming at times 

Blogging has helped me find a love of writing 

It has opened up many doors

With amazing people and experiences 

I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you think ED blogging is healthy or unhealthy?

Do you think the pros out weigh the cons?

What do you get out of blogging? 

How long have you been blogging?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Friday 8 January

Yesterday was tough

I broke down in tears on three separate occasions

Once with Mary

Again on the phone to my Dad

Then later on to Mam

It felt like everything I've worked for

Is crumbling underneath me

All the hard graft I've put in to my recovery

Gone in an instant 

My Dad wanted to come and see me

But he lives over an hour away

So that wouldn't be fair

My Mam is amazing as always

Telling me with such conviction

That I will get well

She said that she has every confidence that I will get through this

I wish I had her faith 

Because I fear for my own sanity

I really do 

There is only so much that the body and mind can take 

At the moment

Depression is clouding my judgement 

It sits on my mind like a dark cloud that constantly  rains 

I think Mary and the psych are right

I'm not getting the benefit of my meds

Because I am purging so much 

I need to get this under control 

I really can't go on like this 

I have too much to lose at this point 

I have a follow up hospital appointment today 

I'm not entirely sure what or why

But I guess it's good to get checked out

I got my blood test results too yesterday

My potassium is a little low

But nothing to be too concerned about

Just keep an eye on it for now 

One thing Mary talked about yesterday

Is occupation

And having something to do

Because I don't do very much at the moment 

I walk my dogs

I do house work

I read 

I watch TV 

I don't do a whole lot outside of the house

I think I need to expand my horizons

I want to check back With the dog shelter

Find out about the local writing group

Maybe start social dancing 

In case you are wondering what social dancing is 

I'm not entirely sure

But I know it involves people and dancing

And what's not to love about that?

I might even meet a nice farmer

I am a country girl now after all....

Look

The thing is 

I know what I need to do 

This is not my first rodeo 

I also want to go back to my support groups 

Even though I am convinced no one likes me there

But I'm at the point where I don't really care if people like me or not 

I need to go for myself 

And if I go to the meetings I feel

Comfortable at 

And as Breda says 

I don't need to speak if I don't want to 

I just need to be there 

Soak up the recovery 

And leave the rest

So 

The plan of action 

Is to keep my appointments 

With all the professionals 

Because I have been known to cancel appointments when I don't want to face my issues

Take it easy over the weekend 

Eat well

Rest 

Relax 

And then Monday 

Hit the ground running 

And find some interesting and worthwhile things to do 

I'm really interested in volunteering 

In any capacity really 

With animals for sure 

But also maybe the elderly 

The sick

People who are lonely 

I actually think I get on better with peoe who are older than me 

I feel more comfortable with them

And am more myself 

So that's something to look in to 

At the moment 

I am just one decision away from getting in to bed 

Pulling the covers over my head 

And forgetting about everything

I know I could easily fall apart at a moments notice 

But 

I guess at times like this 

You fake it till you make it 

Pretend until it becomes real

I'm a firm believer in that 

Also 

I know I say it a lot 

But thank you 

Thank you so much for reading 

For commenting, emailing and texting 

Your support has helped hold me together recently 

It means more than you will ever know

I just hope that I can do the same for you

Thursday 7 January

I'm just back from seeing Mary

Which was such a relief to see her 

I was early for my appointment

And had just sat down in the waiting room

When she popped her head around the corner 

We got straight down to business

And she asked how I am doing 

With my words in a jumble

Trying to make sense

I told her about struggling recently 

Losing weight

Losing my mind 

My mood dipping

My purging increased 

She said that in all likelihood 

My mood dropping 

And purging more are connected 

As if I'm purging more

Then I'm not getting the benefit of my meds 

It then becomes a viscous circle 

Of one feeding the other 

We talked about what I'm doing with my days 

Which is very little these days 

And I know that's a huge problem for me

I don't have anything to fill my days 

So inevitably 

I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble 

The devil makes work for idol hands and all that 

We talked about the support groups 

And how they help me when I go 

We made a list of things for me to do 

Before I see her next week

Which includes a meal plan

Shopping list 

Check out the local writing group

The Womens centre 

Volunteering 

And possibly part time work 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually feel motivated

To get back on track 

To realise my potential

As Mary said 

It's a big wide world out there 

And it's there for me to explore 

I had gone so low recently 

That everything seemed like an effort 

I spent my days at home

And if I did go out 

I was always anxious to get home 

Now that I've spoken to Mary

I feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to do

Sometimes that's all it takes

For someone else to gently guide you in the right direction

Everyone is always telling me that I have great potential 

And that's all very well

But what does that mean?

That I could do something wonderful

Possibly 

Maybe 

My confidence has taken a battering recently 

And I'm feeling quite raw emotionally

The thought of putting myself out there is very scary 

But I know 

If I could just take the first step

Then the rest will be easier 

Myself and Mary write down all my homework 

She wished me a happy new year

And gave me a big hug before I left 

Which was lovely 

I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks 

And you know what?

I think I can do it 

I think I can get back on track 

Living in the midst of an ED

Is nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying 

I'm not willing to live my life like that 

The last eight weeks

Of being back in ED mode

Have shown me that nothing has changed 

Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves 

Manipulative 

Conniving 

Sneaky 

I don't want to deal with that any more 

I have a life to live

Before I left 

Mary asked me about weighing

I told her I was weighing every day

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I needed to stop

And that she will weigh me once a week

I can't lie 

That's going to be tough 

Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worth

Now I need to find other ways to maintain it 

Other ways to feel good about myself

In short 

I need to carve out a life for myself 

A routine 

An occupation 

A reason to get up in the morning

Because right now

Apart from my dogs

It's difficult to find a reason to keep going 

Anyway

I've got to do this

I've just got to 

There is no other option anymore 

I hope I can do it

I think I can do it 

With my families help

The professionals help

And with your help 

I just might have a fighting chance 

The one thing I take out of these situations 

Is the learning 

Something I will improve on the next time 

I mean

I'm not asking for much 

I just want a simple life

A roof over my head 

Food in my fridge

Loved ones at my side 

Dogs at my feet 

A job I love 

And I think these things are achieve able 

I think they are within my grasp

So

It starts right now 

Having my dinner 

Keeping it down 

Doing my meal plan 

My shopping list 

That's half the battle 

Tomorrow 

I will start the hunt for things to do 

That's after my hospital appointment 

It's a brand new year 

A fresh start 

What better time to make a change 

I want this 

I need this 

Are you with me....?

New Dress

I bought a new dress in the sales this week

It was reduced from €75

To €30

They didn't have a size small left

So I tried on extra small

And it fit perfectly 

The thing is though

I don't know how long it will fit me for

As my weight fluctuates so much

It really yo-yo's up and down at an alarming rate 

For this reason

I have clothes in every size known to woman 

From size zero to size twelve 

I don't like to buy too many items when my weight is low 

As I don't hope to be at that weight for very long

But still 

I do need to wear clothes when I'm at that size

Anyway 

Here it is....

Tuesday 5 January

I'm posting later than usual today

As I decided to wait to see my psychiatrist before I posted 

It was a long day waiting around for my afternoon appointment

I walked the dogs

Made dinner

And generally pottered around until it was time to go

I arrived at the building 

And parked in the tiny car park in the back

There was a guy smoking just as I got out of my car 

What I wouldn't have done for a cigarette right then

I continued in to the building

Which used to be a family home

But the health board have taken it over

So the waiting room is actually the kitchen

I took a seat

There were a few people already in there

I figured I was in for a wait 

So I took a magazine

And settled in a chair

It was very busy 

A constant stream of people in and out

I was hoping to see my doctor himself

And not one of his team

Because he knows me

So I was glad when he popped his head around the corner

And called me in to a little room

I don't think I mentioned

That I spoke to Mary yesterday 

And asked if I could see her 

She said that was no problem 

I just had to say it to my psychiatrist 

He started off by saying 

That Mary had emailed him

Which I was glad of 

That's Mary all over

So reliable and dependable 

So my psych had an idea of what was happening for me

He asked about weight loss

My mood 

My sleep

I told him that I am enduring life

Rather than enjoying it

He said that it sounds like I am depressed

And might not be getting the benefit of my meds because of so much purging 

He then asked if anything had triggered this slip (Note: still reluctant to call it a relapse!)

I told him about the navy trousers incident

And wanting to lose a few pounds

But then couldn't stop

He said it was most likely that my mood had dropped before then 

As usually that kind of thing wouldn't bother me

I have clothes in every size under the sun

So one pair of trousers fitting 

Is not usually a big deal

And thinking about it 

My mood had dropped gradually in the last few months 

Even in Turkey I was not in great form

And my mother confirmed this 

Meds were considered 

He said that my Prozac could be increased

But he was reluctant to do that until I had spoken to Mary 

So that's an option

Hopefully I will get to see Mary next week

And she will be able to help me out things right

Because my purging is spinning out of control

And am now purging 5-10 times a day

It's no wonder I am feeling so bad

My BMI is now 18

Not clinically anorectic 

But nevertheless less 

It's still heading in the wrong direction

And because I've lost the weight so quickly

My body is suffering

So 

Hopefully this is the start of my getting on top of things again 

I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was depressed 

I mean

That's kind of obvious 

But again

I haven't been myself 

And sometimes you don't see how low you've gone 

Until someone else points it out

Before I finish 

I just want to thank you all for your continued support

I know it must be frustrating witnessing my slips and falls 

But as ever

You have been there 

And that means more than you know 

Thank you

Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a head

I've been feeling so low 

Both physically 

And mentally

I always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs 

Is a day there is something very wrong with me

Well these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walks

Bless her 

She doesn't seem to notice the difference 

And still comes back happy

As if she'd walk 5 miles

But it's like they know something is wrong

Lea is so clingy these days 

Always at my side 

Always wanting to be stroked 

Honey is also playing up

Barking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen 

They are so intune 

They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine 

I hate that I am effecting them too

I went out yesterday morning 

To pick up some food 

When I came home 

My Mam came to speak to me

And asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food again

To be perfectly honest

I wasn't aware

I thought I was just buying neccesities 

But thinking about it 

I am buying bags of binge food 

I am back in the binge purge cycle

Later on last night 

I broke down to my Mam

I told her how shitty I am feeling 

And how low I feel 

She told me to speak to my doctor 

She hugged me

Wiped my tears 

And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this 

And I would be ok

I felt a little better after speaking to her

But spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears 

It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying 

So I'm trying to be in good form

Which as you know, is not easy to do

But 

I know no one expects me to put on a show 

It's pressure I put on myself

I went to bed early 

And cried myself to sleep 

I woke early

In time to keep my 9am appointment 

It being the first day back after Christmas

The surgery was full of people 

I had just taken a seat 

When my name was called 

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat for a minute while he turned his computer on

Trying to formulate lucid sentences in my head

When he asked me how I was

It poured out of me like word vomit 

Feeling so low physically 

Like I'm going to pass out all the time 

He said I looked very drawn

He took my bloods

To check my electrolytes 

Took my BP

Which was ok 

He also checked my throat 

Which was red

And my glands which were swollen

He thought I might have a virus 

But I said it was probably from the purging 

He agreed 

Then 

The dreaded scale 

He weighed me 

I've lost 5 kilos since he weighed me last month

24 pounds in the last 2 months

No wonder I am feeling so bad

My doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloods

I thanked him

And left

After collecting my meds

I went back to the surgery to see Breda 

The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale 

It was an effort just to be there 

To just talk 

And trying to be positive was really wiping me out

She told me to take it easy

To rest 

And look after myself 

Everyone keeps saying this to me 

But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing 

I mean I do know 

But what else should I be doing?

I'm just so tired 

My body is in bits trying to stay together 

The thing is 

And what I was saying to my mum last night 

I can't believe I have been so stupid

To think that I could have lost some weight 

And leave it at that 

Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 

So 

The plan this week

Is to ring Mary

See my psychiatrist tomorrow

And keep my hospital appointment on Friday

Apart from that 

Rest 

Eat 

Build myself up again 

I haven't felt this bad in years 

I asked my mother last night

If I am ever going to get well

She replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt 

Yes Ruby

Of course you will

I hope she is right......