Day off

I only realised last night 

That Sunday's are not included in the A-Z challenge

I did C yesterday 

So I will take today off

And just do a regular post

I'm just out of the doctors 

And sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my meds

Today's topics included 

Horse riding 

Michaela MC Collumb, the Irish girl caught smuggling drugs back in 2013 who has just been released from prison in Peru

More of which later 

And methadone 

For the last few weeks 

My doctor has been talking about reducing it 

And every week I've come up with a different excuse not to

But today 

I was all out of excuses 

And so it was reduced from 26mls - 24mls 

Not a lot I know 

But as the amount gets smaller and smaller 

I worry 

Not that I ever notice the drop

It's more psychological than anything 

I am now almost at the point I was two years ago 

Back in 2014 

I was down to 22mls

And I panicked

So asked my doctor to increase it

He increased it to 34mls

And it's only now 

Two years later 

That I am almost back down to 24 mls 

As you know 

I have been on methadone for 11 years now

Every morning for the last decade 

I have taken it first thing every morning

Every Monday I have seen my doctor 

It has become part and parcel of my life

Just another part of my daily routine 

I can't lie 

I am nervous and anxious and afraid to think about life without methadone

Even though that is a long way off

It still scares me 

I would much rather come off my tablets first 

But I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing 

I guess I need to learn 

That I can handle life without relying on a substance 

Because up until  now 

I have always believed that

That I am not strong enough to handle life on life's terms

I guess I need to see for myself that I can manage without a drug or a drink

I saw Breda this morning also 

I was very close to cancelling 

As I didn't really feel like going 

But I know when I start thinking like that 

I am in dodgy territory 

So I went 

I told her what's been happening recently

About the course I have put my name down for 

Which is the local women's centre

It's communications and IT

And it runs two afternoons a week for a year 

It sounds like a great course 

And the women's centre is a lovely place

So the next thing on my agenda 

Is to find out about the job

And if it's still happening 

I am on a disability payment 

And can only work a certain amount of hours each week

So I need to find out about that 

Hopefully I will be able to do everything 

But if I have to stop something

I'm afraid it will be the job

But I still have some time to sort things out 

So watch this space 

It was great to see Breda 

And to tell her about all the positive things that are happening

I feel like I am the most stable that I have been in years

Even my ED is somewhat under control

The purging is at a minimum 

I'm not weighing myself 

And more importantly not caring what I weigh 

My clothes fit 

My skin, hair and nails are healthy 

I feel good 

Neither underweight or overweight 

I'm sleeping well

I wake up in the morning excited for the day

I feel alive 

I feel positive and hopeful for the future 

I feel like i am living 

Rather than existing 

Enjoying life 

Rather than enduring it

Life is good 

And that is an amazing thing to be able to say 

So 

It's onwards and upwards from here 

Things are really coming together for me 

The jigsaw pieces are falling in to place 

And the picture that is my life is becoming clear 

With help from a small army of help and supporters 

I am finding my way 

Finding out who I am

What I am all about 

I feel like I might have a shot at having a good life 

A happy life 

That's all I want 

To feel ok in my own skin

To be able to lay my head down at night 

Knowing I did my best that day to be a good person

And not hurt myself or anyone else 

I am slowly but surely putting my life back together 

I really think I can do this 

I think I can be a good and honest person 

I've come a long way 

And it's taken years to finally figure out what I want 

And where I want to go

But I am getting there 

Great strides start with baby steps 

And my baby steps are happening 

One at a time 

C is for Cravings

Cravings are something that I deal with on a daily basis

Being a former drug addict

A former alcoholic

A former smoker

And a former anorectic 

Cravings are part and parcel of my life

They can hit you when you least expect it

And I can be triggered by almost anything 

Tinfoil 

Spoons 

Certain smells 

7up

I could go on and on

The first major thing I gave up was heroin

That was no mean feat

And to this day 

Is the most difficult thing I've given up

And overcome 

But even now 

After being away from the drug for quite a while

I still get cravings 

I can't watch anything about drugs in films or on tv

Can't listen to certain music

And just being in Dublin is one massive trigger

I also don't go back to the town I grew up in

As it too is a trigger in itself

A craving is a funny thing

Whether it's a craving for heroin

Or vodka 

Or a smoke 

Or a craving to lose weight

They all start off the same way

With a longing to escape

And I am someone who loves to escape

I get bored easily

And if I'm not doing something that captures my attention

Like dancing or my dogs or horse riding 

I find that my mind wanders

The devil makes work for idle hands and all that

They say that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug

It happens when you begin to let things slip and slide

When you stop going to meetings

When you start isolating 

When you start making excuses 

Good recoveries are made on good foundations 

If you don't have a good foundation 

Your recovery will inevitably crumble and fall

But how ever your good and solid your recovery 

You will encounter cravings 

It's nigh on impossible to avoid them

They can hit you like a smack in the face  

You might be thinking about something completely innocent 

And before you know 

You are reminiscing about the good ol' days 

And wondering how soon you can get to your nearest connection

The trick about cravings 

Is to catch them before you do anything stupid 

As soon as you are aware of it

To do something about it 

So you don't run away with it in your mind

There are many things you can do before a craving turns in to a slip 

Talk to someone 

Get to a meeting 

Ring a friend/member/sponsor 

Think about what will happen if you do use 

It is possible to stop yourself 

I am off cigarettes about 20 months 

However 

I still get horrendous cravings for a smoke 

I know now that they only last minutes 

Sometimes just seconds 

And I know if I just hold on 

It too will pass 

Are any of you doing the A-Z challenge?

B

Again

An obvious one

But B is for Bulimia

As I wrote yesterday 

Over time 

My ED turned from anorexia in to bulimia

I guess I just got the point where I was so hungry 

That I went on an almighty binge 

As I got older 

The harder I found it to resist food 

In my younger days

I could go for days without eating so much as a morsel of food 

But my body just won't let me do that any more 

Up until very recently

My bingeing and purging was out of control

At my worst 

I was purging up to 20 times a day

Every day was the same back then

I would wake up

Walk the dogs 

Go to the supermarket 

Buy or steal binge food

Go home 

And spend the day going round in circles from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom

I had a path worn 

It's the closest thing to hell that I've ever experienced 

Bulimia doesn't get as much attention as anorexia 

People with anorexia are treated with pity 

Where as people with bulimia are thought of as out of control and disgusting 

Both are deadly illnesses 

But bulimia just doesn't get the same attention

Like all EDs

Bulimia thrives on secrets and lies 

Often the sufferer manages to maintain a healthy body weight

So no one would ever know unless you told them 

For me 

I lose weight when I purge 

So it was often quite plain to see that I am struggling 

Even as recently as Christmas I was really struggling 

But have managed to get somewhat back on track in the last month

It's not easy 

I battle every day with my ED

Some days I win 

Some days I lose 

But most days are good days 

And every day that I manage to get through relatively sane is a success 

I write my log in the hope that I can help others and myself fight the war against these illnesses 

For me 

Writing and horse riding have helped fill a hole that my ED left

My life improves even despite of myself and my self destructive ways

I am hopeful for the future 

I have a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen...

A (A - Z Blogging Challenge)

I signed up to do the A - Z Blogging Challenge

Then promptly forgot about it 

I saw Mich had started it

So I thought

Better late than never right?

So 

The letter A

Well it's a bit obvious 

But A is for anorexia

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19

Although looking back over my life

I can see that my food issues started when I was a child

As a youngster 

I had a thing about bread

I would be in a friends house 

And I would take slices of bread to eat

I also remember my mother throwing bread out for the birds

Which I would then eat 

I've always loved my food 

Growing up 

I preferred proper dinners to burgers and chips 

I can remember I used to eat a certain way

And kept the foods I liked best until last

Through out my twenties

I lost and gained so much weight 

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy and back again

Over the years 

My anorexia morphed in to bulimia 

And can no longer starve the way I used to

If anorexia is cool and silent and aloof

Then bulimia is her loud, brash and in your face cousin

Both are equally soul destroying 

Thankfully 

Today I am doing well

I am of a healthy weight

And I am the most stable I have been in a long time 

I don't think I will ever recover fully

Like any addiction 

An eating disorder is managed not cured 

Recovery is not a straight road

Sometimes it feels like one step forwards and two steps back 

But the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other 

And to keep going 

On my mind....

Wednesday has been on my mind a lot this week

As in the day I brought my nephew horse riding 

He is great 

He is very independent 

And very much amused himself 

So I went and had a cuppa with Eilis who owns the place 

And another French girl

The three of us were sitting up in the spectating area

Watching the kids ride 

Eilis and Lara were talking ten to the dozen 

And having a great laugh

I however 

Felt like a spare wheel

Like I was crippled with self consciousness 

And couldn't contribute to the conversation at all

I'm just really not good at that kind of thing 

And I withdraw very quickly if I feel at all uncomfortable 

I was struck how these two girls were so comfortable just to be themselves 

Granted 

They are older than me

And probably haven't had to deal with an opiate addiction or an ED

Maybe their lives have been a bit more straight forward than mine 

I'm sure they have had struggles in their lives 

Everyone has 

But from their personalities 

And their confidence 

I can tell they have lived a successful life 

I was just dying to get to help with the horses 

But they had so many helpers 

That Oisin and I were hardly needed at all 

But 

We helped where we could leading the horses 

Helping with lunch for the kids 

Tried to calm them down when they were bouncing off the walls

And drying their tears when they inevitably knocked a head or an arm or a foot 

Or a willy in one little boys case! 

I just felt so awkward and out of place 

Like I didn't fit in 

And was paralysed with fear and anxiety 

I hate being like that

I hate feeling uncomfortable 

And in turn making others feel uncomfortable 

I remember I was at a meeting once

This girl was speaking 

And she was saying how through working the programme 

She could walk in to a room full of people anywhere in the world

And feel comfortable to be herself 

I find that I mirror people back to themselves

If you are quiet 

I'll be quiet too

And if you are more outgoing 

I will try to be too

I guess I just haven't found my own little way yet 

I'm still learning who I am 

What I'm about 

What my opinions and views are

What makes me tick

What I am passionate about 

What angers me

My likes and dislikes 

This is all new to me 

I am new to me

But that's ok 

I am going through growing pains 

Albeit a little later than most people 

But I will get there 

Eventually 

I just really want to build up my confidence and self esteem

And feel ok to be me

As I have often said 

I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to the point where most people start off

It's not easy 

Staying clean and sober 

Managing an ED

It's an effort every single day

But it does get easier 

It definitely does 

And I am in it for the long haul

Oh yes

My ass is committed to this 

I guess we don't always see progress on ourselves 

I see it in others 

I see them grow in to beautiful young men and women 

But we don't see it in ourselves 

I definitely don't see it in myself 

I just have to trust that it is happening 

Whether I notice it or not 

I found another course that I am interested 

It's running in the local women's centre 

Communications and IT 

It's a year long 

And starts next month

Two afternoons a week 

Which is perfect for me 

As I could fit in all my other things around that 

I rang yesterday 

And out my name down 

Now I have a decision I need to make 

Go ahead with the job

Or concentrate on learning and furthering my education 

It's hard to know which one to choose 

As both would be great for me

I guess it's time to do a good ol' fashioned pros and cons list

And see which one comes out on top

But you know what?

It's great to be in a position where I can choose 

It wasn't so long ago that I had no options at all

So that my friends, is progress 

I have a little time to sort this out

I will chat  with my family

And try to figure this out

Suggestions and thoughts are welcome

I need all the help I can get....

Starry starry night....

I bring this post to you a tired but very happy Ruby

Yesterday was a lovely day

It started early 

I had a quick cuppa before going down to meet sister number two

We left her house at about ten

And picked up my nephew from his Dad's on the way

Then we headed out to the equestrian centre

The centre is about an hour from my door to their door

But I enjoy it so much 

I don't mind the journey at all

The pony camp was on this week

And myself and my nephew arrived at about 11am to help out

There were about ten kids 

I was watching them ride 

And they were amazing!

Theses kids were from age 6 - 12

And they were well able to ride 

I was seriously impressed

There were a lot of helpers there today 

Do there wasn't a whole lot of work for myself and Oisin

But we helped where we could 

Leading the horses 

Giving the kids lunch 

But there was a lot of hanging around

To be honest 

I felt a bit out of my depth 

There were so many people there 

A lot of strong personalities 

And I kind of felt like I was being really quiet and awkward 

I was having a cuppa with the owner

And another girl who is a stunt rider

I felt like a meek little mouse 

My confidence is definitely something I need to work on 

Don't get me wrong 

I loved being there today 

I just felt like I wasn't being myself 

But 

I have to remember 

I am only going a few weeks

And I am working on my confidence and self esteem 

I am

A work in progress 

At about 2pm

We got to ride 

Two of the men from my group also came 

I was so delighted to finally get up and ride

Oisin also got to ride 

He was led around 

And he got to trot

He did so well

I got to canter today 

Which was amazing!

One of the lads called Daniel led me

And I felt like I was going so fast 

I had this big grin on my face

And it felt exhilarating!

Eilis said she will do more with me next week

So that's something to look forward to 

It's all about baby steps 

Growing and improving each week

Oisin loved the place 

Being with the animals 

And being around others who live animals too

It was lovely to do something just be and my nephew 

Animals are something that we really bond over

It's our thing 

And that is very special

Oh

And apparently I am going to be in a horse show in May 

I don't know what I have to do

Or what it's all about 

But I'm sure it will all become clear in time 

I just can't think about it

Or there's no way I'll be able to do it

The lesson finished at about 3pm

I was on Star as usual 

He is my bestie now 

I love him 

He's so patient and gentle 

And I think he mirrors me well

Food presented a bit of a problem today

I had brought a sandwich 

But it turned out that they made chips and sausages there 

I took a plate but coul barely eat any of it

When one of the little boys started crying they he had no sausages 

I gave him mine

So I just had a couple of chips

It was all I could stomach

It was a long day

And to be honest 

I was glad to hit the road for home

I'm just not used to being around so many new people 

And I can be quite shy and quiet

I'm hoping my confidence will improve 

As I don't like being a wall flower 

Eilis tells me my confidence will come on

I hope she is right 

On the way home 

We went to Homeland

Home land is this amazing store

It has a pet centre 

A groomers 

A garden centre 

Clothes 

And loads of DIY stuff and the like 

I picked up food for the dogs

And food for my neighbours dog too

After that 

We made our way home

I felt exhausted 

But still high on adrenaline may the same time

I thought back over the day 

And thought of incidents where I could have been a bit more sociable or chatty 

But look

I did my best 

I will never be loud or brash

It's just not in me

But I hope people will give me a chance 

Because I will eventually feel comfortable around you

And it will be worth the wait 

I promise you that 

I didn't take my meds this morning

As I wanted to be alert and lucid for the day

Usually on my way to the centre 

I fall asleep in the seat

But today I was very lucid and awake

I did feel different having not taken it

I felt hyper alert and sensitive

And had a lot more energy I found

I took it the minute I got home

And instantly felt relaxed 

That is probably a psychological thing 

Just knowing that I've taken it makes me feel better 

Today was great though 

To spend a day doing something I love is an absolute joy 

And to come home and feel naturally tired is so great

I sleep so well these nights 

And I know it's because I am more active 

Even though I am just sitting on the horse 

It is still hard work 

Hard but so enjoyable 

I would love to do more 

Heck I would love to ride every day if I could 

Hopefully during the summer I can do it more frequently 

Horse riding has really captured my attention and imagination 

It's something I wish I had done more of over the years 

But 

Better late than ever right?

We are getting some work done on our bathroom this week

So there are two men here working 

One of the men is called Pat

We have known him since we moved here ten years ago 

He often does jobs around our house 

We were having a cup of tea yesterday 

And he reminded me of what I used to be like 

He said he would call in to the house 

And I would be passed out on the living room floor 

From drinking vodka and abusing my meds 

He used to try to help me 

But I wouldn't listen to him at all

He said that there is such a difference in me now 

And it's true 

I've worked hard to get to place where I am happy and healthy 

Granted sometimes it's two steps forward and one back 

But the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction 

Every morning 

I ask my higher power to help me get through the day without hurting myself or anyone else

And be thankful that night

Horse riding is helping me change my life 

And I just know it will help me with my confidence and self esteem 

Eilis is the lady who runs the place she never asks me about my conditions 

But I would live to tell her about my history 

Of drugs and ED

Just to let her know why I am the way I am

And I am trying to get my life back on track

But she is always so busy 

So it's hard to get a quiet word with her

But I'm sure I will

When the time is right 

I am so paranoid though

I was thinking that they all thought I was the weird quiet girl with piercings in her face

But again

That is my head telling me that 

And my head is not a reliable source of information

But I will keep going

Keep pushing myself to get out and about and live my life 

Push through the fear and the anxiety 

And do the things I want to do 

I think it's so important to move outside our comfort zones 

And do something that tests us and challenges us

Other wise we don't grow and thrive 

I have Mary to thank for hooking me up with Eilis and the horses

Mary works with a girl called Sam

And Sam goes to the centre 

And put the word out about people with mental health issues riding 

Sam was there my first day riding 

And Eilis told me today that she will he there next week

It will be good to see her 

And show her how far I've come

So 

I will leave you here 

I'm going to take it easy today 

And get my strength back 

Hope all is well in your world 

See you in the next post....

Happy Easter!

To all my fellow bloggers and readers

I wish you a very happy Easter

I am still away 

My Mum and I are staying here until tomorrow

My sister and her partner are minding Honey and Lea

I hate to leave them

But at least they don't have to go to the kennels 

My sister absolutely loves them 

So I know they will be well looked after

Still

That doesn't stop me texting ten times a day to see how they are

After visiting the horses yesterday

We headed back in to town

And I went back to Topshop

Where I purchased the blue oversized shirt that I had tried on the day before 

Photos of that to follow...

We went back to the house then

Where we relaxed for a couple of hours 

Before heading out to dinner

The restaurant was called The Yellow Pepper

It was so busy 

And there was a real buzz about the place

We took our seats 

Ordered drinks 

And had a look at the menu 

There were a few things I liked the look of

The beef stroganoff 

Lentil and sweet potato curry

And pork belly 

In the end

I went for the stroganoff 

Mam had the veg casserole

And my uncle had the chicken

Mine was yummy 

I ordered a side of mash with it 

Mash is like my favourite food

And this one was creamy and smooth and extremely delicious 

Stroganoff is made with a paprika, brandy and cream sauce 

And as I made my way through it 

It began to make me feel sick

So I stopped there 

After 

My uncle I shared an apple pie

Whic was also very good

And my uncle kindly treated us to dinner 

So that was nice 

He then went out to the pub

And my mother and I went home

I watched TV for a while 

Before heading to bed

I was asleep in seconds 

So 

Today is Easter Sunday 

I'm not sure what we are doing today 

But I'm sure it will be something good

This part of the country is wildly beautiful

So many lovely beaches

And walks

It's nice to get away for a couple of days 

Although I am a home bird 

A change of scenery can be a tonic 

My uncle is great to stay with

Very laid back and relaxed 

I feel very comfortable here 

In other news 

I am trying my level best to ignore my weight 

To eat intuitively 

Eat when I'm hungry 

Stop when I'm full

No purging 

And no obsessive body checking 

As Mich and a few others pointed out

My dream of a house in the country surrounded by animals will never happen if I choose to maintain my ED

It's one or the other 

I can't have both 

And if I had to choose 

I would choose my dream life any day of the week 

So

It's down to me to put the wheels in motion

And start working towards those dreams 

I can just picture it

An old stone house 

With a half barn door 

Dogs running out to greet you

Maybe chickens and hens in the back 

A field with two donkeys 

Shelley and Jessie 

And of course 

Space for a couple of horses 

I would just be in heaven 

And the thing is

It's not a million miles away 

It's very possible

Very attainable 

As long as I stay well and healthy 

And I want to 

I really really want to 

What are you doing for Easter?