N is for Night time!

N was another tricky customer

I was going to go with numb

But then decided on night time 

As I think I can write more about that 

Up until a few years ago

I was most definitely a night person

During my drug using days 

I would typically get up in the evening 

Stay up all night 

And go to bed in the morning 

It wasn't unusual not to see daylight for weeks on end 

When I first started using drugs 

I associated them with night time 

It was some thing you did at night 

At the weekend 

Even when I first started taking heroin

I still associated it with night 

I remember the first time I saw someone using heroin first thing in the morning 

It had never occurred to me to do that 

But it seemed like a good idea

So I started using in the morning too

This is how an addict is made 

My drug use began to bleed in to the day time 

The weekend began to get longer and longer 

Until my drug use became an every day thing 

But

As with everything 

You take the bad with the good

And with heroin 

Comes a physical addiction

It's a cat and mouse game to stay one step ahead of sickness

And I was always playing catch up

And can remember nights when I had no drugs 

And no money to get drugs 

Those nights were sheer torture 

As I've said before 

I was a greedy addict 

And whatever I had 

I took there and then

Leaving nothing for the following day or days 

Withdrawal is a horrific thing 

You will start to withdraw about 24 hours after your last usage 

It starts off quite mild 

Your eyes will begin to stream

Your nose will run 

You will yawn continuously 

Then your muscles will begin to get sore 

A dull ache in your bones that saps the energy right out of you 

By now you will take to the bed

As you won't be able to do anything other than lie down and wait it out 

You will sweat profusely 

Alternating between hot and cold

The sheets of your bed will be damp with the sweat 

What ever way you lie 

You can't get comfortable 

And even though you are mentally and physically wrecked 

Sleep eludes you 

Then comes the stomach cramps 

The vomiting 

The diarrhoea 

As the last remnants of the drug leaves your body 

You are now in full blown withdrawal

You are climbing the walls 

Hallucinating with fever 

It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out 

If only you had the drug 

One smoke 

One turn on

Could put an end to all of this 

The night is endless 

And everything seems worse at night 

You are lonely 

So alone 

It seems like you are the only one in the whole world who is awake 

The nightmare goes on 

Until you find someone you can borrow money off 

Or you manage to drag yourself out of bed to find money somehow 

And when you finally get the drug

The feeling of the sickness draining out of your body is the best feeling ever

You immediately stop sweating 

The ache in your bones vanishes 

The mental torture subsides 

All is well 

Until the next time 

Over the years 

I have turned from a night owl 

In to a morning bird 

Nowadays 

I don't stay up past midnight 

And I am up between 7am and 8am every morning 

I like to go out and do my bits and pieces in the morning 

There is something lovely about that time of the day 

When there are only a few people around 

When it's still and quiet

And the world hasn't quite woken up yet 

When the surfers 

Dog walkers 

And runners are all about 

It's a magical time of the day

Night time can be magical too

But I just don't have energy or the inclination to be a night owl any more 

Which are you

A night owl

Or a morning bird?

M is for Mind!

I had a couple of things in mind for the letter M

Like my Mother 

Or Mary

But I think I will keep those for W for Women 

So mind it is 

I am grateful 

So very grateful

That my mind has stayed in tact

Despite my best efforts to self destruct 

I've pushed my body and my mind to its limits over the years 

And managed to reach recovery relatively unscathed 

My mind continues to be sharp

And continues to be curious and inquisitive 

Pushing me to learn more everyday

I think my mind as it is, is a result of nature and nurture 

I was born with my mind 

And over the years It has grown and matured

My mind allows me to do so much 

It allows me to question what I don't understand 

To think deeply 

To be sensitive and emphatic 

It allows me to be open minded 

To think outside of the box 

To learn 

To study 

To work 

It allows me to make sense of the world 

To form my own views and opinions 

To be adventurous 

To devour knowledge 

To read 

To write 

To be me

To be quirky 

Eccentric 

To talk 

To listen 

To laugh 

A cry 

It allows me to feel emotion 

It is where all my thoughts and ideas are formed 

I feel blessed to have all that I have 

Including my mind 

Without it 

I surely wouldn't have made it this far

L is for Lea!

And so we are on to L

And that brings me on to my lovely Lea

Lea is a beautiful golden retriever 

Like Honey 

Lea is eleven years old 

We got her when she was 5 months old 

The runt of the litter 

From the start

She had to work harder than the other pups 

Just to survive 

I got her from a have a go breeder

Some guy who was just looking to make a quick buck

She lived with her family up until I got her 

And was never really socialised properly 

We collected her on a bright sunny May Day

We bundled her in to the back of Mums car 

And headed for home 

From the beginning 

Lea was a nervous wreck  

When we got home that first day

She jumped out of the car 

And ran down the garden 

Where she hid under a bush for the full day

I had to be so gentle and easy with her 

As the move seemed to be very traumatic for her

She was in a strange place 

With strange people 

And it took her a good while to settle in 

I had to be so patient with her

As slowly but surely she gained confidence 

I was the first one she bonded with 

She ran away from everyone else 

But I knew if I persevered with her

She would come around 

Lea has always loved her walks 

And gets very excited every morning at the prospect of going out 

The first few times we brought her in my Mums car 

She got very ill 

And promptly threw up

But when she got to the beach 

She was like a different dog

She ran on the sand 

Rolled in it

Swam in the water 

She loves the water 

And generally ran around like a lunatic

For the first year 

Lea was all legs 

She had quite poor co ordination 

And regularly fell over herself 

And her tail rotated she was wagging it so much 

Over time 

Lea got used to the car 

And now she absolutely loves it

Some days she likes to just sit in the car 

For hours at a time 

She really is a lovely dog though 

So placid 

And gentle 

You might remember the last time I was admitted to hospital 

Lea took it very hard

And took to her bed 

The fur on her back also fell out 

She seemed to be in a kind of depression

When I came home and began to recover 

Lea began to recover too 

It's no exaggeration to say that my dogs have saved my life and my sanity over and over again 

I have so much love for them 

And they bring such joy and fun to our house 

So Lea?

This one is for you....

K is for Knitting!

Over the years 

I've been quite partial to a bit of knitting 

Not that I am any good mind you

For the last ten years 

My Mother and I have been trying to make a blanket 

Knitting squares of different wool

To see together to make said blanket

We have gone through phases of knitting over the years

And recently 

We have taken it up again

It's easy really 

We just knit squares of plain rows

No fancy schmancy stitches 

My repertoire does not reach beyond plain stitch 

Id say we do about an hour each a night of knitting 

We take it out when we are watching TV

Or chatting in the living room

I find it really relaxing 

And it passes the time 

Every so often I make some sort of mistake 

And have to hand it to my Mother to fix

My mothers knitting is very neat and tight

Mine is more loose and messy

But it's ok

It will give the blanket character I guess

At least that's what I'm telling myself

Here is said knitting....

J is for Job!

As you may know

I did a job interview a few months ago

I was unsuccessful  in the position in question

But they did offer me another job

Working in the holiday centre 

From May - September 

I gladly accepted the offer 

Grateful for any type of work 

As jobs are pretty scarce around here at the moment 

I did have a few obstacles in my way though

There is a course I want to do

And also there is the question of my disability benefit 

I can legally work up to 20 hours a week

And still keep all of my benefit

Any hours after that 

My benefit is cut on a sliding scale 

It's really difficult to know what to do

And everyone has an opinion

Some think I should just work the 20 hours 

Some think I should forget about the job and do the course

And some think I should forget about the disability benefit 

And take as many hours as I can

It's a tricky one 

I know that once I take myself off disability 

It will be nigh on impossible to get it back if I need it 

I guess it's a security blanket 

But at some point

I'm going to have to grow up and let it go 

I want to work 

I do 

I guess it's a confidence thing 

I haven't worked 

And worked for someone in a long time 

My last job was teaching kids dance 

I stopped because I lost my confidence 

And just couldn't do it anymore 

I've never really regained it after that 

What I will so

I don't know yet 

But it's nice to have options 

It wasn't too long ago 

That I had no options 

No course

No job 

First world problems I guess 

But I do think work will be good for me 

For my self esteem 

Confidence 

Feeling that I am contributing 

And being a productive member of society 

I guess I will have to make a decision soon

And I will do what is right for me 

I'm just not sure which way to go....

I is for Identity

I was another tricky customer

But after giving it some thought

I decided to go with Identity 

As it's something that comes up for me again and again

In my illness

And in recovery 

When I was very unwell

My whole persona revolved around both my addiction and my ED

From the age of 18

I was Ruby the drug addict

And that's a label that's hard to shake 

As along with that come the labels of liar, thief, manipulator 

They say a reputation takes years to form

But only seconds to undo

I had a reputation of being trouble

And boy did I live up to it 

Somewhere along the line

My ED began to develop

And it wasn't long until I had acquired a new label

Anorectic 

Quickly followed by bulimic

In a strange way

Once you are labelled with these titles

You feel like you have to live up to them

I knew nothing about eating disorders before I was diagnosed

I had never known anyone with one 

I had no experience at all 

My diagnosis was a complete shock 

I wasn't trying to lose weight 

I wasn't unhappy with my size

In fact more than that 

I never gave it much thought 

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me 

That I began to take notice of the numbers 

They seemed important to them

So they became important to me

And have been the Bain of my life ever since 

After my diagnosis 

I completely identified myself by my illness 

I was no longer Ruby 

I was Ruby the sick one

And when you are sick 

People are generally very nice to you 

Very caring 

You get a special kind of attention

I know it might not be popular to say that 

But for me 

It was the truth 

I used to get a kick out people telling me that I looked unwell

That I looked pale and wan

I almost wanted people to feel sorry for me 

Why?

I'm not entirely sure 

But I do know

That once you become the sick one 

It's really very difficult to shake that label

Because being sick becomes your whole world 

If it's taken away 

What will be left?

And that's exactly what terrified me

Who would I be without my illness?

It was like my ED slowly but surely taking over my life 

My personality

My body

And without it 

I had nothing 

There comes a point in life 

When you either sink or swim

I came to that point about two years ago  

After I got out of hospital for the umpteenth time

I had to make the decision 

To recover 

Or sink further down the rabbit hole

I began to gain weight 

And get well 

It hasn't been a straight road since then 

I've been up and down and all over the place 

And had a minor relapse last year 

But 

I bounced back 

And continue to bounce back

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

That I did nothing of a day 

Apart from binge and purge 

All I did was watch TV all day 

And eat 

And throw up

I had nothing going on in my life 

No job 

No course 

No hobbies 

No interests 

It was just me and my ED

But over the last year 

I have carved out a life for myself 

Now I have a life 

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic 

I am Ruby the woman

Ruby the daughter 

Sister 

Auntie 

Dog owner

Horse rider 

Ruby the dancer 

The swimmer 

Ruby the recovering addict and anorectic 

I am

Now I am so much more than my illness 

My illness has faded in to the background 

And I  starting to live 

And love

My life 

Rest Day

Today is a break from the A - Z Challenge

So I thought I would take the opportunity to do a personal update

As I haven't done one in over a week I think

Things are ticking along nicely 

I'm going to my meetings 

Appointments 

Walking the dogs

Eating my meals 

And horse riding 

Apparently I am going to be in a dressage show next month 

Which I am super anxious about 

It's basically doing a little routine with the horse 

WAlking and trotting around an obstacle course 

I did it for the first time last week

And found it quite tricky 

Someone calls out the instructions 

And you have to be on the ball 

Listening 

And acting promptly 

Usually myself and Star are behind another horse during our lesson

And Star literally follows and copies who ever is in front of him 

But when it was just me and Star

He wasn't taking my instructions at all

He wouldn't trot for me

And he was generally doing his own little course 

And I was left practically hanging off the side of him

I asked Eilish if I was going to be ready in time for the competition

And she assured me that she wouldn't put me in the show 

If she didn't believe I could do it 

So that gave me a little boost of confidence

I have three more lessons before the show

And hopefully I can squeeze in some e yea ones too

But 

As nervous as I am 

I really want to do the show 

I think there will be lots of learning for me 

And it might help my confidence too

All I can do is my best 

As long as I do that 

That's all the matters 

In other news 

I'm feeling good at the moment 

My mood is stable 

My meds are on track

And am taking them correctly 

I'm attending meetings twice a week

I have lots going on 

Including the Pilates 

Which I write about a few days ago

I think I will go back this week 

And see how I get on 

Despite having to look at the very thin girl

I'm also starting a dance class too 

Which I'm really looking forward to

I really want to learn salsa 

And how to jive

Jiveing is really popular here at the moment 

And I think it looks like great fun

It's something social to do that doesn't revolve around alcohol either 

Which is good for me 

My food is going ok

It's not fantastic 

But it's not terrible either 

I gues it's bearable 

I can live with it

And it doesn't interfere with my life too much 

I'm not weighing at all right now

I'm just going by how I feel 

Rather than my weight

My clothes fit

I feel healthy and strong 

And that's good enough for me

I inquired about my job 

And my disability payment

It turns out I can work twenty hours a week

And keep my benefit 

So that's something I need to think about 

After twenty hours 

My benefit will be cut on a sliding scale 

It's really hard to know what to do

I've asked quite a few people what they think

Some say I should just do the job

And forget about my benefit

Others say I should try and keep my benefit

As once you are taken off it 

It's incredibly hard to get back on it

I have to remember that this job is seasonal

And come September 

I might have no job again

Anyway

I will work something out 

So 

All in all 

Things are good 

I'm the best I've been in a long time 

And that is amazing 

I don't relax though 

I never relax 

I know I am only one drug away from relapsing 

The same with my ED

I think it's healthy to have a certain amount of  fear with your addiction

It's good as it keeps you on your toes 

And afraid to use or drink 

Complacency will just not go at all 

With that said 

I was wondering about you 

What keeps you going every day?

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Inquiring mind nods want to know....