The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening

And I'm chillin out at home

My first week of work is over

And I now have a few days off which is nice

Work went better than expected 

And even though I had my doubts

I think I will get through the summer ok

Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 

Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic

My car is fixed for now 

So hopefully it goes for me for another while 

My Mam goes away on Monday for a week

So I will be here alone with my Dad

He needs a lot of help now 

His hands are all but useless 

Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 

From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea

Patience of a saint is required 

But we manage 

In other news 

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 

And in my friends you might know 

I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 

And from doing a bit of snooping 

I discovered she has anorexia 

And also writes a blog

Being a good while in to my recovery 

The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion

I felt no trigger

No desire to be like her 

No immediate plan to lose weight 

I felt sorry for her

Because her body is vocalising what she can't say

My thoughts then turned to myself 

I have no idea what I weigh right now

And have no desire to know

My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 

I've gone from being a petit little girl

To a curvy and shapely woman 

A lot of my clothes don't fit me now

And I'm having to buy new ones

In new sizes too

I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain

And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all

But today 

Well today I am ok with my weight

I've decided that I have three options with my weight 

I can change it

I can ignore it

Or I can accept it

I've decided to accept it

As really 

In the grand scheme of things 

What's a few pounds here and there 

The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 

And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 

I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been

I have boobs galore 

And a booty you could eat your dinner off

And you know what?

I am perfectly ok with that 

I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 

And at the moment I have curves 

So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 

I am going to dress them to highlight them

Accentuate the positive and all that

Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me

Skinny is fine 

But so is curvy

It's more than fine 

It's sexy

It's unique 

It's attractive 

And for the first time probably ever in my life 

I feel ok in my skin

Now don't get me wrong 

I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 

I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me

But 

They are just clothes 

They are replaceable 

It's not a big deal

The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be

I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric

Now I have decided to embrace my curves

To show off rather than camouflage 

And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 

And that is confidence 

Confidence 

No matter what you wear 

Or what you look like 

If you have confidence 

If you act like you don't care 

If you rock what you've got and then some 

Then that is extremely attractive 

So yes 

One thing I've learned 

Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness

I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 

What a load of old shit

All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 

I was now under weight and miserable 

And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 

And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 

With my sister and Honey and Lea

I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 

As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

But today he was in much better form

And back to his gentle cheeky self

Which I was so glad to see

He was delighted to see his bestie Lea

And followed her all around the field like a puppy

Very cute

Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though

He is slimy

Smart arsed

Selfish

Egotistical 

I really don't like having to deal with him

So I try and avoid him at all costs

But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 

I just hope I can continue to see Coco 

As that pony is part of my life now 

I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 

I want to do something 

Like get another piercing or tattoo

Or dye my hair a mad colour 

Pink would be nice 

But I don't think work would appreciate that 

I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 

It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am

I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok

Do comment and let me know you are there

I'm off to make a cuppa

See you on the next post...

Work, worries and a tough time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby

Sad about nothing 

And everything

Where to start?

I started work last week

I am undecided as to how it is going 

All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently 

I feel like I could fall apart at any moment 

Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind

Work is a welcome distraction

But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown 

Also 

My car has been giving me so much trouble 

It's been in and out of the garage 

And no joy

I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked

It wouldn't start again today 

And it now sits over in the car hospital 

But I am doubtful she will pull through 

It might be time to cut my losses and change it

It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car

As well as that 

I've just been feeling pretty low

Like my life is going no where 

I called over to Coco today 

After not seeing him for a few days 

and I swear he was pissed off at me

He was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

It was like he didn't know me at all

Quite upsetting 

But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are 

Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess

But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with

I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle 

That I am a soft touch

And people can take advantage of me

I really need to learn to assert myself 

As it's no fun being a door mat

And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely 

So I am trying to remain calm and collected 

It's not easy let me tell you 

For the last couple of months 

I've been really struggling with horse riding 

I've been getting really tired and really out of breath 

Which makes it not very enjoyable 

So I told my doctor 

Who did blood tests

The results came back that I had low iron 

Low vitamin B12

And low Folic acid

Anaemia in other words 

So I've been taking supplements and tonics 

Today I went horse riding 

And I was like a different girl 

I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And didn't want it to end 

She didn't let me jump again today 

As she wants to take things slow 

Which is probably sensible 

But on the way back 

I was in the car with Fintan 

And I couldn't hold back the tears 

Even though I had a great lesson

I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness

Like my life was crumbling around me

I spoke to mother who was great as always 

She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this 

She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok

I 

Will

Be 

Ok

I know I will be

But right now I am feeling low

and I have to acknowledge that

Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress 

But I am doing my best to stay well in that department 

And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now

He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me

I do like it 

But I worry about what people think of me

My co workers 

My manager 

The guests

There is a 16 year old working there too

And she was given a tip yesterday

Right in front of me 

Which really knocked my confidence

I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive 

Too delicate and fragile for the real world

I bruise so easily 

And can't help but feel like the class dunce 

My manager asked me how I was getting on so far 

I told her the truth 

She said I had no reason to worry 

That I was a breath of fresh air

That helped 

But only temporarily 

My confidence 

My self esteem

My ego

Has taken a few knocks recently 

And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue 

Or leave and concentrate on getting well again

I feel tired 

I feel run down and knocked over by life

I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever

As well as all of that 

I don't know if I write about it 

But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease

As you know 

My parents are separated 

And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away

He stays with us a good bit 

But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently

So they can adapt the house for him

It looks like he is going to move in here 

Which brings up a lot

My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage 

They split up almost twenty years ago

And we all moved here 

We left our home town for a fresh start 

And to put some distance between ourselves and him

Now we are going to be living together again

And let me tell you

It's. it easy 

My Dad is becoming very frail

He lives in his own little world 

Almost like he's regressed to being a child again

So this is a big change

A massive challenge

We are coping by taking each day as it comes

That's all we can do

But yes

I feel very low

And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin

Or even a cigarette

Something to just get out of my own head

And have a bit of peace

But look

I will be ok

I'm not ok right now 

But I will be

So many things have run through my head this week

I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed 

My life is not hard compared to some people 

But I have come through a lot

and sometimes I feel so tired of life 

So weary 

Like I've lived ten lives already 

But what can I do only keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting

As my Mam said 

I've weathered bigger storms than this 

I'm made of strong stuff

I will be ok...

Work

Some how

It is May

Summer is just around the corner

I seem to have blinked and missed spring

Work starts next week

And I am beyond anxious

I am terrified

No exaggeration 

I've been counting down the days 

Willing myself to find the courage to press on

I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all

I don't remember feeling this way last year

But I was a newbie then

This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer

And I'm putting huge pressure on myself

So let's break it down 

Why am I so bloody anxious?

There are many reasons 

I've gained weight

What will people think?

What if I fuck up?

What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?

What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?

What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?

I swear 

I could go on like this all day long 

Inventing anxiety provoking situations 

The thing is 

Historically 

I have enjoyed this work 

The people 

The guests 

The buzz of a working kitchen

The banter 

Or the craic as we say here in Ireland

I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this

That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds 

But then today 

I got a phone call

It was Mary 

She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area

She also won an award for the fantastic work she does

I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear

She was her usual calm self 

Reminded me that I am more than capable 

To take deep breathes 

To be kind to myself 

After a short conversation

I felt a whole lot better 

Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular 

Suddenly work didn't seem so scary 

Because in all reality 

It's only for three months 

It's not rocket science 

It's hard work 

But it's not complicated 

I feel able to do it 

I want to do it

I can do it 

I will do it 

In other news 

I was horse riding yesterday 

My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks 

After the fall off Coco 

No jumping which was disappointing 

But I know I will get back there 

I am always in such a rush to get everywhere 

Always ten steps ahead of myself 

I do not possess the virtue of patience

Not at all 

Coco is doing great 

He is thriving in the good weather 

And fresh grass

It's now been four month since I started visiting him

He is coming on so well

Back in January 

He was a scared and lonely pony

Now he is confident and cheeky 

And full of fun

He has found a friend in Lea 

He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him

Now Coco wears his head collar with pride 

Walks with a lead rope 

And picks up his feet

Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves

I am trying to post photos 

But the app won't let me for some reason

Honey and Lea are good 

Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad 

But she is a happy wee thing

Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food 

Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place

Anyway

Just a short post for a quick update 

See you on the flip side...

Falling in every sense of the word

I'm making a concerted effort to blog more

So here I am 

There is so much going on at the moment 

Coco and trying to care for him

I start work in two weeks which I'm very anxious about 

My Dads health isn't great 

He was recently diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease 

And he spends a lot of time staying with us

As you may know my parents are separated

So that makes for interesting dynamics

As well as all that 

I did something really stupid on Monday 

I was over in the field with Coco and his owner 

We had just brought Coco for a walk down the lane 

And were back in the field 

Cocos owner suggested that I get up on his back 

And Miss Easily Led over here decided that was a good idea

He gave me a leg up 

And I was on his back

He was ok for a few seconds 

Then he seemed to spook and bucked and I came off

I landed on my right side and hopped my head off the ground 

I waited to feel pain

But all I could feel was utter shock 

I knelt on the ground with my head on my knees hoping I had done no damage 

But I was ok

The only thing that was hurt was my pride 

So as you can imagine 

I am feeling rather stupid 

I woke up the next morning with pain all down my right side

But it's easing and no permanent damage was done 

I went riding yesterday 

And told my trainer what had happened 

She was pretty gobsmacked that I could be so stupid 

She is also encouraging me to step back from the whole Coco situation 

It's tough because I have built up a relationship with the pony 

And he's become part of my day 

Part of my life 

Part of my little animal family 

So to walk away would break my heart 

It really would 

But my being thrown off was solely my fault 

And his owners fault

After the fall

I had to get on the back of a motor bike 

To be brought back to my car

And then drove the half hour home 

Which now that I think about it was pretty stupid

I could have had concussion or worse

Could have blacked out

I've had different reactions from everyone I've told 

Some are shocked 

Some think it's all part of looking after a pony 

Some think I should back off

The thing is though 

That Coco has come on so much recently 

He's a different pony to the one I met back in January 

I just need to slow down a bit 

As you may know 

I am a person of extremes 

All or nothing 

I go from zero to 100 in jig time 

So maybe I just need to put the brakes on 

And pace myself a bit 

In other news 

My anxiety at the moment is really effecting my food and my appetite 

Which is bad as with all the activity I'm doing I need energy 

It's just very hard to eat when your stomach is in knots 

And your head is a mess of negative thoughts 

I'm hoping that once I start work 

The anxiety will ease 

And things will level out 

Hopefully 

I don't know about you 

But I find social media quite anxiety provoking too

I use FB and a particular FB group

And every time I post 

I am worrying what people think

What will they say?

I mostly get positive feedback 

But there is always one person who can be on the nasty side 

But I guess that's what you get when you put your life out there for others to see and judge

You have to take the rough with the smooth

Anyway

I hope y'all are doing ok

I hope your week is going better than mine..

May

Hello friends

I don't know how many of you still check my blog

God knows I haven't been the best blogger

This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April

And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 

In some ways it seems like one hundred years 

In other ways it feels like five minutes

As you know well

Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 

You eat, sleep and breathe it

You think about it 

Talk about it 

Write about it 

It's like having a full time job with no days off

My own ED is in quite a good place 

I don't restrict 

And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 

It's a lot better than it was

It's the exception rather than he rule

But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy

When you begin to let it go

There is a huge void left 

And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well

For myself 

I tried many things to fill the void

Meds 

Religion

Meetings 

Shopping 

Stuff

But the only thing that really works for me 

Is being with and working with animals 

Namely my dogs  

Coco 

Horse riding 

And equine assisted therapy

I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 

And I have developed such a lovely bond with him

Two weeks ago

I got a head collar on him for the first time 

Which was a huge milestone 

And an indicator that he is starting to trust me

Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope

Also to pick up his feet

As he is seeing the farrier next week

It's a work in progress

But I am loving every second of it

Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To a happy cheeky little man 

He is full of fun

And never fails to make me smile 

We think he has a little crush on Lea

As he loves her 

And follows her everywhere 

It's so lovely to watch them together

Best buddies

In other news

I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 

And third week I did my first jump in canter!

Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 

I am loving riding at the moment 

And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling

I also start work at the end of the month

I must admit 

I feel very anxious thinking about it 

And feel like running in the opposite direction 

I will take it one day at a time 

And see how I go

There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 

To be honest I would rather take that work 

I'll know next week

So I'll make a decision then

What else?

Body image continues to be a battle 

I am now a very healthy weight

But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 

Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 

It's not easy 

And sometimes I think about restricting 

But I figure it is just not worth it 

I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than skinny and miserable 

And now I realise that it's not just about me

My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 

Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me

I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 

So I just wanted to check back in

And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction

If you are struggling 

If you are drowning 

If you feel like there is no hope for you

I am here to tell you this there is hope 

There is absolutely hope 

I am walking talking proof of that 

If you have read my blog

You will know the shit story was my life 

I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap

But now I know that I am a good person 

And in my own little way I am making a difference 

Spreading a message of hope and recovery 

Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 

And spare them some of the pain that I went through

For me

The trick was finding something that captured my attention 

And gave me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

A raison d'etre

Because when you find something you are passionate about 

Something that warms your heart 

Stimulates your mind 

And feeds your soul

Then that is worth living for 

That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok

I think of you often 

I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 

And I will neve forget you 

Please let me know if you are out there 

If you at reading 

Writing 

Let me know you exist 

Much love,

Ruby

180

I read somewhere recently

That if something in your life is bother you 

You have three options 

Change it

Ignore it

Or accept it

This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image

To cut a long story short 

With regard to my weight

I've decided to accept it

Changing it is too risky 

And I have too much to lose

I can't ignore it as it's my body

So accept it it is

The end

Easter

Hello fellow bloggers and readers

I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks

But am just getting around to it now

Life is busy 

I am busy 

I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 

My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant

I don't restrict

I don't binge 

Purging is the exception rather than the norm

The only think I am kind upset about 

Is yes you've guessed it

My weight 

I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 

But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 

My clothes feel tighter 

I feel like I take up a lot of space 

And I am generally quite uncomfortable 

My diet is not great 

And I've been eating a lot of junk food 

And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 

My first thought was to starve myself in to submission

That didn't last long 

As I don't want to go down that route again

But I do need to do something 

Not only to lose a bit of weight 

But to be healthy 

And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do

Despite my weight 

I feel quite happy and content 

I see Coco every day 

And he continued to be the highlight of my day

He is such a funny wee man

Full of personality and character

I can't believe how attached I have become to him

It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him

He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To being relaxed, confident and happy

More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 

And they are all good pals

It's so lovely to watch them 

I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all

I can't wait for the weather to improve 

So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco

I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 

I now bounce out of bed in the morning 

Knowing I am going to see him

It gets me out of the house

Out in to the fresh air

I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 

Yes 

There is no doubt in my mind 

That pony saved me

And I saved him too

So 

The plan with my food 

Is to cut out the junk for the moment 

Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 

More exercise 

I must stress 

This is it a diet 

As it's not a temporary thing 

This needs to be my lifestyle 

My life 

At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 

My clothes are straining 

And I feel very uncomfortable 

I would like to lose about 15 pounds 

And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 

And before you say this sounds dodgy

And I'm meeting trouble half way 

I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 

I just want to feel good in my skin

I just want to be healthy and happy 

And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 

But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 

And I don't at the moment

Because I was eating a lot of junk food 

And no proper food at all

It's no wonder I am gaining 

And probably lucky I have not gained more 

I have to say though 

I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 

I guess it's so accessible 

And the least harmful 

So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug

However 

I will persevere 

As I always do

In other news 

I have my job back again this summer 

So I will be starting late May time 

I have mixed feelings about the job

I'm grateful to have it back again 

And to be offered it again is fantastic 

I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 

And struggle to go in in the morning 

The way I was with my course

Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 

But part of the reason I am working is for him

And to get him a companion 

But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 

Between 20-24

So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 

As I really enjoyed it last year 

It was such a lovely place to work 

And the people were just great 

Both guests and staff

I made friends 

I made money 

And it gave me a sense of responsibility 

When I do something 

I like to do it right 

I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 

But as my sister says 

Done is better than perfect 

How true is that?

In other other news 

My brother published his first novel last month 

It is called Ithaca

We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success

We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 

I am hoping there are a few of us left 

I tend to use Facebook more these days 

As it's quick and easy 

I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 

Not knowing if anyone is reading 

So 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?

I'd love to know what you think

Answers on a postcard please...