Anorexic?

I saw Mary this morning
I was dreading the inevitable weigh in
The first thing she always says to me is 'Shall we get the weigh in out of the way?'
I had planned to refuse to be weighed but curiosity always gets the better of me, even if it did kill the cat
I removed my coat and boots and hat
Carefully stepped on to the scale
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
I lost weight
Enough to give me a little high
A feeling of satisfaction
Of relief
Having not been weighed in 5 weeks I feared the worst
A big fat gain
And in my frame of mind that would've been enough to tip me right over the edge
Thankfully that didn't happen
But of course a loss is triggering
It makes me want to lose more
And more



The strange thing is that I still question whether I have an eating disorder
I have no doubt that I am bulimic but I don't know if I am anorexic
If I am sick
It's one of the things that stops me from going back in to treatment
The fact that I think I'm not thin enough
But saying that I still felt I wasn't thin enough at 77lbs
I have to keep reminding myself that it is a mental illness and it's not about the number



Mary and I spoke at length about the negatives and positives of holding on to my eating disorder
Of course there are a lot of negatives but there are also positives
There has to be or else we wouldn't continue on this path
For me the positives are that it keeps me numb
I don't have to feel
I don't have to grow up
I don't have to face up to responsibility
I don't have to take the risk of failing because I don't try
I don't have to experience any negatives of life
I don't live in reality
I live in this strange bubble that is my eating disorder
Some comments on my last post suggested that staying in my eating disorder is the easy path
That it takes more courage and strength to choose life
I wasn't sure about this at first
I wasn't sure which was harder, living life or living like this
Living life means taking risks
Putting yourself out there
There is a possibility that I will fail
Fall
There is a possibility that some people won't like me
That I will face rejection
I guess my thinking has been if I don't try then I don't have to face these things
They say we don't regret the things we did, we regret the things we didn't do
I don't want to end up bitter
Cursing myself for the things I didn't do



There is a huge part of me that wants to go one more round with anorexia
To go as low as I can
To reach a new low weight
To tempt fate
Just once more
But of course I used to say that about drugs
Just one more time
Once more and that's it
Unfortunately addiction doesn't work that way
It's not that simple
One turns in to two, turns in to three, turns in to four........
And before you know it your up to your neck in your illness again
As they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
Then there is the other more rational part of me
The part that wants to get well
The last 12 years have been all about my eating disorder an addiction
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
Why can't I just accept it's over and move on?
This love affair I've had with anorexia is over
We are like an old married couple
Desperately unhappy but too afraid to do anything about it
Comfortable to live this half life
I need to end this relationship
It's long past it's sell by date
It's rancid
Sour
I've lost too much to this illness
I'm willing to lose any more
So I guess I am trying to pluck up the courage to fight
To fight for my life
My sanity
Anorexia may have won battles in the past but she won't win the war
She can't
She just can't



Do you think it's harder to stay in your eating disorder or to choose life?

Closest thing to crazy

I've wanted to post the last few days but I just didn't have the energy or the inclination
I seem to have lost the ability to string a coherent sentence together
So instead I will try to say how I'm feeling with words

Afraid



Stuck

Paralysed

Lost



Anxious

Depressed



Suicidal

On the edge

Hopeless



Helpless

Crumbling

Terrified



Falling apart

Slipping

Cracking

Breaking

Drowning



Falling

Insane

Lonely

Crazy



Isolated

Sad

Numb

Scared

Apprehensive

Trapped

I just want this to stop
I want to pull the emergency cord and get off this God for saken train
It's heading for disaster and I'm driving it
I woke up this morning and had this awful feeling that something terrible was going to happen
I struggled to find reasons to get out of bed
To find reasons to go on
I got a lot of comments on my last post suggesting that I go back in to treatment
I am seriously considering it
I just don't know what else to do
Or where to turn
I'm so tired I can't even put on the pretence that I'm ok
I'm abusing my meds again
After doing well for a while I've slipped back
I take them as they're the only relief I get from my eating disorder

I feel like something has snapped in my mind
Like I've crossed over in to crazy
The line between dreams and reality is blurred
I don't know what's real and what's not
I don't even know if I'm real
This all feels like a dream
Or rather a nightmare
A never ending nightmare
I feel like I'm lost in a maze
Constantly running in to dead ends
Can't find the way out
Going round and around in circles
It's exhausting
Draining
It's tempting just to lie down and give up

Suicidal blonde

I'm home
Back to cold, cold Ireland
I have to admit even though it's freezing it's a relief to get back in to jeans and jumpers
If I never have to get my arms and legs out again it will be too soon
I'm weary from jet lag but I'm kind of enjoying the sleep deprivation
At least I'm feeling something



I've been feeling strange since I came home
I don't know quiet know how to explain it
It's like I'm scared
I have a sense of impending doom
Like something terrible is about to happen
Everything is so overwhelming
From having a shower to leaving the house
Everything is too much
I'm still restricting
It's not good but I can't stop
I'm so afraid of where this is going
I'm literally paralysed with fear
I've thought long and hard about disappearing
Going over it in my head again and again
Trying to find an answer
I'm just so confused
Anxiety and depression are creeping in
I just don't know where to go from here
I want to crawl in to bed and never get up
Maybe I'm just not cut out for life
I'm not robust enough
My mental state is so fragile
Constantly on the verge of tears
Constantly about to break down
I can't handle reality
I can't handle life



I fear for my sanity
I really do
I'm terrified that my mind is breaking
Or that is already has broken
Am I going insane?
Is this what crazy is?
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how to fix this
I keep getting sucked back in to this illness
It just won't loosen it's grip on me
And I just don't have the strength to fight anymore
I think back over the last month and I'm not even sure how I got through it
There were days when I thought that I was cracking up
Days I thought would never end
I tried to enjoy myself and I did at times
But my eating disorder was always in the background
Lurking in the shadows
Ready to ruin it all
And it very nearly did

I have to do something about this before it's too late
Something has to change
I'm just going round and around in circles
Have been for years
It's tempting just to give up
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But I have to try just one last time
I owe myself and my family that much
I feel like such a burden on them
Emotionally
Financially
I'm like a child that never grew up
I'm sure they're frustrated
I'm sure they're sick of all this
I know I am
I  just want to give them some peace of mind
I want them not to worry
I want to be able to look after myself without their help
I want to be independent
But my eating disorder keeps me in this child like state
This twilight
This needs to end one way or the other
Or I truly will lose the plot
The last week of my trip I prayed every morning for help to get me through the day
I just didn't know what else to do



Have any of you been in a similar situation?
Do you have any suggestions or advice?

'An apple a day'

I've wanted to write a post for the past few days but I just couldn't find the words and just didn't have the energy
The crying continued for about 4 days straight
Anything and everything made me cry including a nature programme we were watching one evening
I continued to restrict all last week, dragging my weary body around Sydney
But then yesterday we were going on a 2 and a half hour bush walk so I made myself eat something
And I really had to make myself
Interestingly the crying stopped once I had food in my body
It was literally crying out for food
I haven't purged in almost a week
This would be a good thing if I were eating properly
Purging is a tricky business is someone elses house
And there are 4 of us here in a small two bedroomed house so the risk is just not worth it
I don't miss it at all
Not one little bit
Binging and purging is not an option when you have an audience



I think one of the things that may have contributed to my fragile state last week was my choice of reading material
I picked up a book called 'An apple a day' by Emma Woolf
Yet another eating disorder memoir
Emma Woolf is Virginia Woolf's great niece and wrote this book just as she was embarking on her journey to recovery
I could relate to her a lot
Her eating disorder developed at 19
So did mine
10 years later she is trying to recover
So am I
I cried my way through this book
For her and for me
But the thing I couldn't relate to was that she had managed to accomplish so much in her life
She managed to get through college (Oxford)
She had a lucrative career in publishing and she had a loving long term partner
I can only imagine what that's like
I suppose I have to remind myself that I've also had drug addiction to contend with
Which turns your life upside down and inside out
At the end of the book Emma had made great progress
She was weight restored
Eating a wide range of foods
And was trying for a baby
Although I enjoyed the book I was probably not in the best frame of mind to read it
These memoirs make for tough reading and you really do need to be in a good place

 

So it's Monday today here in Australia and I plan on doing very little
I also feel a little relieved as I don't have to eat either
Is it wrong that I like that?
I don't know if I've lost weight
I still feel fat
I haven't weighed myself since I left a month ago but Mary will be weighing me next week
I'm dreading that beyond belief
Going home is bittersweet
I will miss my sister but it will be nice to be home
To get back to normal
To have my supports
And I do need them
My eating disorder made this trip very difficult
It tried time after time to ruin it
And it almost succeeded
It whispered in my ear
It tried to break me down
It sapped my energy
But I kept going
I got through it
Just about

Anorexia

I know before I came to Australia I said that I would probably be posting less while here, but if anything I seem to be posting more
I guess I need the support as I don't have much here
No Mary
No doctor
No friends
And I don't want to worry my mother and my sister
So I'm trying hard to hold it together in front of them
I hope you understand



The last couple of days have been unimaginably hard
I've eaten once in the last 3 days
I just couldn't face
The fridge is filling up with my uneaten plates of food
Yesterday my mother and I went to Cougee beach
I woke up feeling very emotional and was fighting back the tears all morning
I knew I should eat but I couldn't
I wanted to I really did
We arrived in Cougee and went to cafe
I felt so overwhelmed as I looked at all the food
Baguettes
Pies
Carrot cake
Apple muffins
Brownies
I couldn't take it and started to sob
I went outside for a smoke and tried to pull myself together
I did and we went to the beach where I settled down with my book and cigarettes
My mother went for a walk

Here I was at a beautiful beach in an amazing country and I just couldn't appreciate it
My eating disorder was ruining it
All of a sudden I was crying again
Harder than I have in along time
My mother was busy looking around that she didn't even notice me until I started gasping for air
I tried to explain how I was feeling
Like I was slipping
Crumbling
Falling apart
Severely restricting
Obsessing over mine and others bodies
What I didn't tell her was that suicidal thoughts were rearing their ugly head again
Planning
Plotting
Thinking about disappearing
I just couldn't tell her that
She tried to soothe me
Calm me down
She said that she had noticed that I was eating less and less
I hoped she hadn't noticed
But she always does



I spent the rest of the day mostly crying
We were due to go out to dinner that night with my sisters parters family
Thought of it was too much to bear
I hadn't eaten in 2 days and I feared it so much
I decided there and then not to go
It was too much and I already felt so fragile
We arrived home from the beach and I went straight to bed
My sunburned skin stung and I enjoyed the pain
I hid from everyone and hoped they'd understand if I didn't go
But then and I don't know how, I somehow found the strength to go
I didn't want to but I made myself
So we all went out to a local restaurant
The menu consisted of sharing plates so we ordered a selection
This turned out to be easier for me
I could nibble little bits and not look out of place
It was much easier than having a big plate of food on front of me
I ate a little bit of Spanish ham and some cracker bread
I ate so little that I didn't feel the need to purge
In the end I managed to enjoy myself
I even laughed
Isn't it always the way that the anticipation of an event is always worse than the event itself

I thought breaking my fast would whet my appetite
But now I am back to nil by mouth
And I feel incredibly guilty
But it isn't enough to make me eat
Where is this going?
I'm not quite sure
Watch this space