Soundtrack to my life

Music has always been a part of my life
It punctuates my memories
Hearing a certain song has the ability to transport me right back to a place somewhere in my past
Music has always been an escape for me
It's been one of the only constants in my life
I remember the first song that caught my attention as a child
It was 'The Frog Song' by Paul Mc Cartney
Still to this day is a great piece of music
I am the youngest of 4 so when I was young my music tastes were heavily influenced by my older siblings
When most of my friends were listening to boybands, I was listening to The Smiths and Kate Bush
There was a lot of shit going on at home so I think music was a welcome release from all the tension
I remember when I was around 13 my favourite band was REM
I remember listening to their songs, writing out the lyrics and memorising them
Good times




When I went to secondary school I found a new best friend
We were kindred spirits and our lives revolved around music
Nirvana, The Doors, Radiohead, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Cranberries, Red Hot Chilli, Peppers, Aslan
Basically anything angry or maudlin to compliment our angst ridden teenagerdom
The Doors had a special place in my heart
I thought that Jim Morrison was a legend
My boyfriend at the time was also a huge fan
We made each other tapes (remember those?)
We wrote each other love letters using the names Jim and Pamela (after Pamela Courson, Jim Morrison's girlfriend)
We watched The Door's movie over and over
We knew it word for word
It was one of the influences that caused my interests in drugs
It's hard to pick one but I think my favourite Door's song is The Crystal Ship
I remember listening to that song smoking weed and thinking I couldn't be happier



The late 1990's and Brit pop has taken over
Blur and Oasis lead the pack
I was definitely more of a Blur girl
They were the first concert I ever went to
I was starting to go to nightclubs now and started listening to house music
At 15 I took exstacy for the first time
I was a proper little raver
My friends and I sneaked out of our bedrooms to go clubbing
Taking any drug we could get our hands on
I remember my friend's mother came in to the club one night and dragged us home
So embarrassing but all part of growing up




I turn 18 and take heroin for the first time
Again music accompanied this time in my life
I listened to a lot of David Bowie, The Rolling Stones and Thin Lizzy
Maybe I was attracted to these bands because some of the songs are about drugs
To this day these songs stay with me
I remember lying in my bed sick from withdrawal and the only thing that got me through were these songs
My boyfriend at this time played the guitar
He was actually really good
My favourite song that he played was Classical Gas
A stunning piece of music

Summer of 2004 and I'm doing a drug detox in London
I'm staying with cousins and am sleeping on the couch
I rekindled my love of music having abandoned it while using
I spent my nights watching the music channels, drinking vodka and smoking up the chimney
Music again stopped me from losing the plot
At the end of the summer I went to treatment for the first time
I couldn't sleep for the first 2 weeks and so I spent all night listening to music
I quickly ran out of my own music and so I borrowed CD's from other people
I ended up listening to all sorts of music including Ian Brown, Guns n' Roses, Metallica, Evanescence, Elton John (guilty pleaseure), Pink Floyd, The Pixies, Johnny Cash, Groove Armada, Dire Straits, Damein Rice, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, Nick Cave
Anything and everything
Music literally saved my life during this time
Without it I would have surely gone insane during those long and lonely nights




These days music is still very much the backdrop to my life
There is nothing better than finding a new band or a new song and listening to it over and over again
I know I really love a song when I get goosebumps
At the moment I listen to a lot of Lana Del Rey
My favourite song right now is Ride
I just love the video, it's like a mini movie
Also Bat for Lashes
My favourite song of hers is probably Daniel
Haim - who remind me of Fleetwood Mac
Falling is my favourite song of theirs
I don't know if the video is meant to be funny but I think it's hilarious
I recently discovered Charli XCX
Really loving the song You (ha ha ha)
Lianna La Havas
Wildbelle
Ellie Goulding
Rudimental -  the video for Tell me that you want me is so inspirational
I generally don't like mainstream pop music but I do like some hip hop

My favourite song that I relate to my eating disorder is Beauty from pain by superchick
I don't know if it's about anorexia but I can really identify with it



Are you a music fan?
What is the soundtrack to your life?
Who is your guilty pleasure?

Food Addict?

I've seen my doctor twice in the last few days
I saw him Friday afternoon
The main reason I wanted to see him was to apologise
I was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to change my dose of methadone
He said that there was no reason to apologise but he accepted it
He admitted  that was quite annoyed with me for giving him a false picture of how I was
He asked me how I was managing on 25mls
I was honest and and told him I was struggling
Everything was effected from my sleep to my appetite
So he made a suggestion and we agreed to compromise
He put my dose back to 30mls but only on the condition that we start to reduce it again in a month
But instead of 5mls, the dose would be dropped by 2mls
I agreed to this
At least now I have some notice of the change and I can prepare myself
I saw him again this morning
I feel a whole lot better about the whole thing now
At least now I am being honest
I am not holding on to secrets
I'm doing the right thing
I think that addiction and eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to help myself I need to tell on my ED
I need to do blow it's cover
Do the opposite of what it wants me to do
Easier said than done

Methadone is somewhat controversial
There is a strong argument for and against it and I can see both sides
The thinking behind methadone is that it is a stepping stone between the drug and being clean
To get the person stable
When I was in active addiction my whole day revolved around getting money for drugs and then taking the drugs
I inevitably got involved in crime and my life was very chaotic
Methadone removes that chaos and enables the addict to live a relatively normal life
You take your methadone every morning
You don't have to worry about getting money together as it is free so the person can leave behind s life of crime
You don't have to worry about getting sick and that is huge
Crucially it is not a long tern solution
Complete abstinence being the ultimate goal
But  then there is the argument that you are just replacing one drug for another
That you rely on it just as much as you did on the drug
And there is the temptation to abuse it which I have been doing
Doctors get really well paid for having a methadone patient
So the doctor may be reluctant to take the patient off it as he is gaining from it
As sick as that sounds, it really does happen





For me there have been positives and negatives being on methadone
Yes it helped me to get off drugs
It helped me gain some semblance of a normal life
But now 10 years later I am utterly dependant on it
Then there are side effects
It cause me to have severe constipation
And it has ruined my teeth
But I think overall the good has outweighed the bad
Without it I don't know if I would be clean today
I think though that my goal should be to become completely clean
Including being off all meds
Like most addicts I struggle to take these meds as I should
If the bottle of pills says take one, I am the type of person who would take 5
Being on methadone and meds is tough being an addict
It would be like an alcoholic trying to only have one drink a day
It just doesn't work
I don't know if I have gone backwards by going back to 30mls
Maybe I have but I have to do it this way
I have to err on the side of caution

On the food front things are difficult
I tried so hard yesterday not to purge
But I can't stop
I literally can't stop
When I get the urge to purge it is so overwhelming
The house could be burning down around me and I would still purge before I left
It feels like I am out of control
An external force
Something bigger than me
I spoke to  a friend the other day
She is a recovering addict and is also trying to recover from bulimia
She relapsed recently and is trying to get back on track
She pursues recovery a different way
She uses Food Addicts Anonymous
It basically AA adapted for food
They follow a very strict food plan
The completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour as they believe they are addictive
They eat at certain times and weigh and measure all their food (even in restaurants, I've seen her do it)
It sounds extreme and it is
But my friend says that even though the programme is so strict, it actually gives her absolute freedom
I have been to a few meetings and I could identify a lot with the other ladies but I really can't get my head around the food plan
I've read the literature on it and I could really relate
I'm not sure if I am a food addict though
And I definitely don't want to be one
The food plan is very healthy and nutritious but it's not a diet
I would worry that I would see it as a diet and be triggered by it
I have no doubt that the 12 step method works
But I just have a huge issue with labelling myself as a food addict
To me it conjures up images of lazy and greedy people
Fat people
However I have no doubt that some foods are addictive and sugar, wheat and flour are the no. 1 offenders
But I don't want to cut them out of my diet
I like them
I may do some more reading and may even go to a meeting
Nothing has worked so far so I have nothing to lose by giving it  a go



This the book I was reading
It's called Food addiction, the body knows by Kay Shepperd








With that said I was wondering about you
Do you think certain foods are addictive?
Are there any foods you are addicted to?

The Broken Toilet

Warning: May be triggering

Well, it's happened again
I guess it was bound to
It was only a matter of time
I've worked that thing way beyond it's limit
Yes, I have broken yet another toilet
I'm not surprised really
This tends to happen when you're a raging bulimic
This is not the first toilet I have broken
Oh no
I remember being in London a few years ago staying with cousins
There was one bathroom between 6 or 7 of us
Needless to say I had to pick my purging time carefully
The flush on this particular toilet was little different
If you had just a wee, you pushed it gently and it gave a small flush
If you had, well more than a wee, then you pushed it a bit harder and it flushed harder
Now if you have any experience with bulimia you will know that once the expelled food is in the toilet, you just want to flush it away as fast as possible
Get rid of the evidence as it were
So being in a house where a queue could form for the toilet at any moment, I was probably a little aggressive with my flushing
We were all sitting in the kitchen one day when my uncle came in and announced that 'someone' had broken the flush on the toilet
I instantly assumed it was me
I turned scarlett
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole
My uncle the proceeded to give us a detailed lecture on how exactly to use the flush
It seemed everyone but me had got the hang of that one



So yesterday the same thing happened again
My flushing toilet bowl after toilet bowl of vomit proved too much for my aubergine coloured friend
He was over worked and under paid
They say you don't know what you have until it's gone
Now I've had to move to the toilet upstairs which I have to say has a far inferior flush
Plus the water pressure in the tap is little more than a trickle
And I just don't have the energy to be traipsing up and down stairs
We rang or go-to man for problems like this
Patrick
Jack of all trades, master of none
He called in the afternoon and I have to admit I was pretty anxious
I watched him walk down the hall with his tools
Mental images of the toilet exploding and showering him in vomit flashed in my mind
I wondered how I would clean it all up and how I would explain it to my mother
Thankfully there were no explosions and Patrick left to get a part for the ailing toilet
It was touch and go for a while but the toilet will pull through and live to fight another day

When you're bulimic, toilets become of paramount importance
You become an expert in flushes and water pressure
You excel in cleaning your mess with little more than a sheet of papery toilet roll
It's ok when you're at home
You know your own toilet and it's limitations
But when you're out and about, it's a different situation entirely
Not only are you using a foreign toilet but you also have to deal with interruptions
Restaurants are a mine field
Sometimes I check the flush prior to purging to make sure it's up for the job
But then one flush might not do it
It may take 2 or even 3 flushes
Not to mention you're in a tiny cubicle with only a thin wall between you and the next person
Over the years I've learned to be quick and quiet
I've learned to use the disabled toilet if it's free as it usually has it's own room
I remember another time again in London I was out for dinner at an Indian restaurant with relatives
I love Indian food so I helped myself safe in the knowledge that the food wouldn't be staying in my stomach for very long
Afterwards I excused myself to the bathroom
These were the days before I learned to check the flush first
So after purging I went to push the handle of the flush
It fell limp in my hand
No pressure at all
I immediately panicked as I was pretty sure there was someone waiting outside
In the end I camouflaged it with toilet paper but only made a bigger mess
I sighed and opened the toilet door only to find my aunt standing there
I forced a smile and went back to my seat
If she knew what I had done, she never said a word





When I was in Australia toilets were again a problem
My sister lives in a small 2 bedroomed house with one bathroom
That blood thing caused me no end of problems
It refused to flush certain food items and so I would have to fish them out by hand and dispose of them
It blocked a couple of times and I had to free the blockage with a toilet brush
Oh yes, whoever said eating disorders were glamorous should come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

So yes, toilets and bathrooms become a priority when you're bulimic
I'm not telling you any of this to gross you out
I'm just telling you honestly the lengths I have gone to for my eating disorder
It's not pretty
It's not romantic
It's disgusting
It's degrading
It's not something I ever thought would be part of my life
So tomorrow my old friend will be fixed and I will continue on the never ending merry-go-round that is this illness
I will continue to test flushes the world over
Always on the look out for that elusive perfect flush
There may actually be a market for toilets specifically designed for people with bulimia
Great big bowl
Excellent flush
Perfect water pressure
Self cleaning
Now there's a thought.............

H.O.P.E

This week has been unimaginably hard
I'm not quite sure how I got through it
I'm on the verge of being in withdrawal
It's been lingering like a bad smell
I saw an addiction counsellor on Wednesday
I used to see him when I first moved here a few years ago and he said he can see a lot of progress in me
I explained how I have been misusing my methadone and now it is being reduced I am really struggling
He asked me if methadone was a type of weather what would it be
At first I hadn't a clue what he was talking about but the first word that came to mind was cloudy
And that's what it's like to be misusing it
It's fuzzy
A fuzzy bubble
This week I have been more lucid than I have in a long time
On the dose of methadone I was taking it's like I am blinkered
Like living in a fog
And because I more more sober my mind is clear
My father commented this week that he hasn't seen me this alert in a long time
But along with sobriety comes feelings
I've realise that I haven't been drug free since I was a young teenager
I've been numb for the last 15 years
Comfortably numb

I experienced a lot of anger and frustration this week
Mostly as myself
Angry for abusing my meds
For keeping secrets
For letting others think I am stable
For getting myself in to this situation
I feel like I've oppressed my feeling for so long that this week they erupted like a volcano
Like a shaken can of soda
I truly felt like I was losing the plot
Crying one minute
Laughing the next
But somehow I managed to get through it and today I feel alot better
I've never really dealt with feelings and reality well
I remember as child pretending that I couldn't sleep
My mother brought me to the doctor and I remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets
I've always had a cushion between myself and reality
A buffer
And I've always believed that the answer to my problems was a pill or a substance
Yes drugs make you feel better but only for a short while
They just camouflage the feelings
They push them deep down in to your soul ready to escape at the next opportunity
Drugs do not only not work but they make the situation a whole lot worse
I am never going to get anywhere if I don't learn to deal with these feelings

I've had to take a good hard look at myself this week
I've done a lot of thinking
I made an appointment on Tuesday to see my doctor today and had prepared myself for round 2
But now I don't know if I'm going to go
I still have a huge issue with the way he reduced the methadone
I still think a 5ml drop was too much
But I can also see that the way I went about telling him this was all wrong
I'm sure I came across like a desperate addict and not a rational adult
And I do feel bad for unleashing my inner bitch
I don't doubt that he has my best interests at heart and does want to help me
In 9 years this is the first argument I've had with him
So whether I see him today or Monday I will apologise
Not for what I said but the way I said it
I will also ask him to reconsider my dose but I am prepared for him to say no
And if he does I will have to accept that
I have no other choice

I saw Mary this morning
I was much calmer
The last 3 times I've seen her I've been almost hysterical
She really has been an amazing support this week
Gone out of her way to help me
She focused on all of the positives this week
As hard as it's been there have been some positives
Coming off methadone is a double edged sword for me
On one hand I want to be drug free
It really is quite scary being so dependent on a substance knowing what you would be like if you didn't have it
But on the other hand I'm afraid
Afraid of using
I can not begin to tell you how much relapsing scares me
They say when you're in recovery your addiction is outside doing push ups
Getting stronger all the time
They say you pick up from where you left off and I left off in a horrendous place
Addiction is progressive
It gets worse over time
I couldn't go any lower
I dread to think of what could be next

Food has taken a back seat over the last couple of weeks
I haven't had the energy or the inclination to address it
Feeling all these feelings I've kind of turned away from food
Used it to deal with these new emotions
Mary weighed me and I'd lost 1.5kg since last week
This leaves me in a perilous situation
Mary can't seen me if my BMI drops below a certain number and I am edging ever closer to it
It's not her rule it's the service she works for
To lose Mary would be a disaster
I just don't know how I would cope
I need all the support I can get right now
So it's time to get on top of this
I have to make an effort and that starts with purging
I won't come through opiate and methadone addiction only for my eating disorder to kill me

Yes I am weak but I feel strong today
Yes a lot has happened this week but I feel positive
Yes I almost gave up this week but if I can get through this I can get through anything
I don't always want to but I feel I can do the right thing
I thought I was helpless but I'm more capable than I thought
Yes I thought I was a lost cause but today I have hope

There's something about Mary

Thank God for Mary
I wouldn't have got through the last few days without her
She is the only beacon of light I have right now
The only thing keeping me sane
I saw her yesterday
She has arranged for me to see an addiction counsellor today
I am still incredibly upset
I alternate between hysterical crying and feeling totally numb
I could barely look Mary in the eye during our session
I looked at the ground or examined my fingers
She is trying to get me to move forward
To accept things are the way they are with my meds
But that's the thing
I can't accept it
I can't believe I have no say in what happens to my own body
My own life
My own sanity
It just feels all wrong
Everything about it feels so wrong
I can't believe that it has to be this difficult
And having spoken to a couple of people and getting some invaluable advice from Dani and Loulou, I see even more that my doctor is doing things arseways
He is making it up as he goes along
I don't think he has any idea of the distress he is causing
There is certain protocol for methadone detox and he is all but ignoring it
I am his guinea pig
Everything time I think about I start to cry

Sitting with Mary today she was making a list of things that would help me get through this
But all I could think was what is the point
What is the point of anything
I just want to crawl in to my bed and sleep forever
Mary wants me to contact my friends and she asked me to contact one of them right there and then
I texted a friend but my heart wasn't in it
She still has not got back to me
Mary seems to have an unshakable faith and belief in me
I don't know why
In my opinion I am a lost cause
A broken soul
Broken beyond repair
I can't even imagine being happy or content
The concept is so foreign to me
I was there in body talking to Mary but my mind was somewhere else
I'm somewhere else
My body and mind are disconnected
I got home and decided to ring my doctor to make an appointment
I could only get one for Friday afternoon
I don't know if I'm going to go
I don't know if there is any point
But if I continue on in this miserable state I might have to

Having had this run in with doctor got me thinking
I've seen countless doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists over the years
And I realise that I've butted heads with quite a few of them
In fact the addiction counsellor I'm seeing today was one of them
I saw him for a while when I first moved here a few years ago
One day he told me that I wasn't making any sense
I was hugely insulted and argued with him
Then there were the nurses in treatment who I had big problems with
A psychiatrist who wouldn't refer me for inpatient
A counsellor who told me she couldn't see me because I was on methadone
A doctor who discharged me from treatment because I was on methadone
A counsellor who I had to make a statement against because he was being really inappropriate
I think back on all the incidences and I wonder do I make trouble for myself?
Do I throw all my toys out of the pram when I don't get my own way?
Am I the one in the wrong?
I spoke to my father about this today and he said that it's good not to take things lying down
To speak up for yourself
That more and more people question their doctors and don't take their word as gospel
People have more of a say in their own treatment and are not afraid to speak up
One thing that I have inherited from my father is an ability to use my words as a weapon
This can be both a blessing and a curse
When I'm upset or angry I use my words to attack or defend myself
So I inevitably end up going for the jugular
I can be manipulative and sarcastic and end up getting myself in to more trouble

But I don'r regret what I said to my doctor on Monday
I have no doubt that what he is doing is wrong and I will continue to fight my corner
I know that there is probably never a right time to detox but my doctors timing couldn't be worse
It's always going to be difficult but why make it harder than it needs to be?
My father thinks that my doctor is worried about the fact that the methadone has caused the pancreatitis
That he wants to get me off it as quick as possible
There is uproar in this country at the moment about doctor's misconduct and my father thinks that maybe my doctor is thinking that he should have taken me off it long ago
But if that's what he is worried about he hasn't said a word

Do you think it's a good thing to speak up about your treatment or do you accept what your doctor says?

Honesty is the best policy?

I'm so angry right now I could scream
I could punch a hole in the nearest wall
I could tear every hair out of my head
I'm crying hot tears of pure temper
I haven't felt such over whelming emotion in a long time and I just don't know what to do
Needless to say I saw my doctor this morning
I spent days rehearsing what I was going to say
I was incredibly anxious going in but I was almost 100% sure that he would understand and put me back on my original dose of methadone if not a higher dose
In answer to his first question of how my week went, I told him that I'd had a pretty horrific time
I explained that I wasn't as stable as he thought I was and had been topping up my methadone nearly every day
I told him that I had seen Mary and when she saw the state of me she told me to go straight back to him if not the mental health service
I told him that I had thought about drugs more this week than I had in that last year and was terrified that I would relapse
My distress was obvious
And do you know what he said?
He said 'Well I'm not changing your dose'
Why not?
You managed to get through last week so it can't have been that bad
I got through last week by the skin of my teeth, please can you put me back on my original dose
No I'm not doing that
How the hell am I supposed to manage? Do I not get any say in my own detox?
You told me you were stable
Well I'm telling you now that I'm not one bit stable
There has to be consequences for messing around, you could have told me last week that you weren't ready for this
It's hard to be honest but I'm being honest
I'm not changing your dose

By this stage anger was boiling was in my blood and my inner bitch came out
I'm not at all an violemt person but when I'm angry I use the only weapon I have, my words
I told him that he had no clue, not one iota of a clue what it's like to be an addict
To feel such helplessness and desperation
Sickness and using are the things I'm most afraid of
Either could kill me
I am his one and only methadone patient and I just don't think he has the experience to deal with someone like me with a dual diagnosis
Yes, he is a lovely man and has been good to me over the years but I do question some of the decisions he makes
We argued back and forth for half an hour
I don't know why I pushed him, it was obvious his mind was made up
I told him that I would much rather come off the olanzapine first as I am just as dependent on that
He said that olanzapine is not addictive
I told him that anything is addictive if you are an addict
Be it cocaine or cornflakes
Now I was sitting with my head in my hands refusing to answer his questions
He wrote out my prescriptions and I snapped it out of his hands walking out as he was in mid sentence
Not quite believing what had just happened
No wonder addicts lie if this is what happens when you tell the truth
I'm sure I ruined his whole day but he could be ruining my whole life

My poor mother bore the brunt of my distress
I drove home at brake neck speed giving out yards about my doctor
When we got home she immediately rang Mary
I spoke to her too
Or as best as I could through tears
She said that the reason he probably going ahead with the detox was because of my pancreatitis and impacted bowel
But he has never once said those words to me
The only thing he has said about the pancreatitis was that he thought it was a 'coincidence'
Mary made a few suggestions
That I go back to my doctor with my mother
That I present at mental health services
That I go to my support group
As I listened to her I calmed down a little but I'm still incredibly upset
I just can't stress enough how difficult it is to have something taken away from me that I completely rely on
Mentally and physically
And I have been thinking about drugs a lot
That scares the shit out of me
I watched the film 'Sherry baby' last night and as I saw her take heroin I swear I could almost taste it
The urge to use is immense
The thought that all this stress could melt away with the prick of a needle is so temptimg
But in reality I know that that would cause twice the trouble
It's just not an option

So where do I go from here?
I really don't know
I could go back to my doctor but I think that's pointless
I guess I have to suck it up and manage the best that I can
But having this crap on top of my eating disorder is sucking that life out of me
I'm so overwhelmed
So afraid
So angry
So drained
I can barley stand to be alive never mind face reality
It's all too much
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow
Thank God for Mary
She'll know what to do

Methadone

I've had quite a distressing week
I saw my doctor last week and he said he might reduce my methadone this week
So on Tuesday he brought the subject up again
I really didn't want to reduce it but I didn't know what to say and I had no reason not to reduce it
I often find that happens me when I go in to the doctor's surgery
I know what I want to say but when I get in there my mind goes blank and I forget everything I want to say
So he reduced my methadone by 5mls
It might not sound like a lot but any change is a big change
I started off on 70mls 9 years ago and over the years have worked my down and am now on 25mls
I came out of the doctors slightly bewildered
And angry with myself for not speaking up
But there's another reason why I don't want it reduced
As you know sometimes I mess around with my meds and take more than I'm supposed to
Being on 25mls leaves me no room at all to mess around
My doctor said that I am very stable and have been for a long time but that couldn't be further from the truth
I'm not one bit stable
Yes, I'm not taking heroin but that's about it
I abuse my methadone and other meds
They are my opt out of reality option
If I am having a bad day all I do is take some more meds and float away in to oblivion
I am not stable at all
My health is not great and my frame of mind is quite fragile
I slipped in to a depression on Tuesday
I was supposed to see Mary but I cancelled
I was just so annoyed at myself for not speaking up and telling him that I didn't feel ready to reduce
Also I have a huge fear that I will use if the methadone detox is not done properly
And I seriously do not want to go back there
I may have another round of addiction in me but I definitely do not have another recovery in me
I just don't



Mary gave me another appointment for Wednesday
I really didn't want to go but I made myself
I had no sooner sat down in the chair before I started to cry
I cried my heart out
Big, fat, salty tears
Mary asked me questions but all I could do was sob
In the end she just sat there silently beside me, handing me tissues
About 15 minutes later I managed to get control of myself and told her about the methadone
She asked me if my doctor had explained to me why he had reduced it
I said no
She explained that more than likely the methadone was to blame for my getting pancreatitis and also my impacted bowel
That my doctor probably thought it was safer to come off it
But even knowing all this, I still don't want to reduce it yet
Mary said that I really need a lot of support right now so she offered to see me 3 times a week and is also arranging for me to see an addiction counsellor
Bless her, she is doing everything she can to help me
I know it would really help me to go to a meeting but I can't seem to muster up the courage to go
I left Mary feeling slightly better
She told me to go and see my doctor of my mood didn't improve
She also suggested that I present at the mental health service if things got worse



So this leaves me in a dilemma
Do I tell my doctor that I've been misusing my methadone and hope that he puts me back on my original dose
Or do I suck it up and try to manage on the reduced dose
I guess this day was always going to come
I'm going to have to come off methadone at some stage
And there's never really a right time
It's always going to be really tough
But I just don't feel in a good enough place to do it right now
I don't feel strong enough
I have a huge fear of relapsing
The thought strikes fear in to my heart
I would much rather he reduced the olanzapine
I've been on methadone for almost 10 years
Ten
Years
Really a person is not supposed to be kept on it for this long
Really it's supposed to be a stepping stone between the drug and sobriety
And now I am completely addicted to it
Physically and psychologically
They say that methadone is harder to come off than heroin
They say that  it gets in to your bones
I suppose I am afraid that my body has become so used to it that it won't be able to function without it
And now after 10 years I am starting to experience negative side effects
Pancreatitis and impacted bowel are pretty serious
But even knowing that I have these conditions is not enough to convince me to come off it
I am just so very afraid that I will end up using
I would rather die than go back to that life
Sometimes I think back to that time and I can't work out if it was a nightmare or if it really happened
I feel like I am being forced in to this and I am just not ready
I guess I need to be honest with my doctor
I hate to let him down though
If I tell him the truth I will probably have to go back to being supervised but that's a small price to pay

Detox from drugs like heroin and methadone is not pretty
With methadone you probably won't start to detox until a couple of days after you take your last dose
As the last of the drug leaves your system, you will start to experience flu like symptoms
You will start to yawn a lot
Your eyes and nose will start to stream
Then you will get a dull ache in your arms and legs
You try to get comfortable but you can't
You alternate between feeling hot and cold
You feel clammy and constantly sweat
Now you really are feeling it
You feel as weak as kitten
You try to sleep you just can't
It's mental torture
All you can do is toss and turn and pray for this to be all over
Then the vomiting starts
You retch until all that comes up is stomach acid
Then you get diarrhoea
It feels like it will never end
Like your body is trying to turn inside out
This could last from 2 days to a week
So you see why I am trying to avoid this

I need your help here
If you were me what would you do?
Do you think I should tell my doctor the truth?
Or do you have any other suggestion?
Any advice is greatly appreciated