July Update

Two months of work done now

About seven weeks to go

Over the last couple of weeks 

I've been struggling quite a lot 

Even though I try my best at work

I still feel like other people do it better than me

They seek to cope better

Be more confident 

More efficient 

And generally not capable than me

My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong

Which I guess is true 

But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok

I'm nearly 36 years old

And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok

I'm a bit of an odd ball 

And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 

Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 

I am fine one on one 

But in a group I have a social handicap 

That's me though 

It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 

Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 

And wanting them to like me

And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 

It shouldn't matter though 

I'm there to do a job

It's not a popularity contest 

It really shouldn't matter what people think of me

At all

I know I am trying my best at work

And that's all that matters

I find myself in this situation a lot

When I was doing my course 

I was convinced the others didn't like me 

But even after I left 

They still keep in contact 

So I was very wrong about that one!

Anyway 

In other news 

My car has been giving me huge problems 

I was driving in to the garage yesterday 

When a warning noise started 

And then smoke started coming out

I stopper immediately and got out 

But my car was on a narrow road 

So I needed to get it off the road 

My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 

Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road

The garage recovered my car in the afternoon

And it wasn't good news 

The clutch in it is bangjaxed

It will cost €800 to fix

I do not have that kind of money to hand 

So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 

Or to change my car for a better one 

It's stressful

As I need a car 

For work

To see Coco 

I need it for my freedom and independence 

So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week

About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 

How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 

How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life

It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 

Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues

We struggle with feeling not good enough

And generally find life tough

I look at some of the girls I work with 

Who are younger than me 

But seem so much more together than me

I struggle just to get to the starting block

So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me

Of course my life has not been straight forward 

And I have dealt with an awful lot 

I am happy just to be alive 

Anything else is a bonus

I am grateful to be where I am 

And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it

I go 2-3 times a week

And it's is just heaven 

Sitting in a horse 

Galloping down a beach

Doing little jumps 

It makes all the tough days worthwhile 

On Saturday 

Myself and a friend did a beach trek

 A two hour trek

I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 

Fionnuala was on Tom

Kate was our leader on Skippy

And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 

We walked down to the beach 

Then we spilt up

Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 

And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 

I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 

Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach

It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it

After that 

We went back up to meet the others 

And walked back to the centre through the fields

Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 

And were walking around like John Wayne 

The next day I was in pain 

But it was a good pain 

An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news

I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 

I feel a bit more ready now

And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 

But first things first 

I'm just concentrating on getting through work 

And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 

Thanks for reading 

And for being there..

Honey, holidays and huge amounts of gratitude

Today is Thursday

And my working week is finished 

I work Sunday 12pm-8pm

Monday 8pm-4pm

And Tuesday 8-4pm

24 hours a week

Which is nice

I am really enjoying work 

I can feel my confidence boosting 

And my general well being is very good

It's a great feeling to know that I am working 

Earning money

Out and about in the world meeting new people

I especially love that I am helping people enjoy a much needed break away

I love that our centre makes a difference in people's lives

A lot of that is down to my manager 

She is an amazing person

Just 40 years old 

She has been running the holiday centre and the old people's home beside it for the last 12 years

She really sets the tone in the house

She is efficient yet friendly 

Firm but fair

Hard working but always has time to chat

She is a fantastic role model

And I admire her greatly 

She always takes the time to ask me how my Dad is

And also how I'm feeling with my low confidence and self esteem

It really is the perfect place to re introduce myself back in to the working world 

And of course it's brilliant to have a few extra pounds in my pocket

In September 

I am treating my Mam to a little holiday

I will go horse riding

And Mal will potter around and relax in the hotel

So that's something to look forward to

I can't wait!

In other news 

Honey is going back to the vet on Saturday 

About her remaining eye that looks cloudy and blood shot

She has already been to the vet here

But she sent me home with no answers and told to just wait and see

And charged me €40 for the privilege 

So we are going back to the vet who removed her eye three years ago

As he is the best of the best

Honey is ok

If a bit cranky

But we are just worried that she will lose the eye she has

I mean I don't know if a dog can live a comfortable life with no eyes

I guess I would have to keep her inside 

And she would need a lot of support

But I would be willing to do that if it meant she gets to stay around 

Lea is also having a check up too

Even though they are both old ladies now

I feel sure they have a few years left in them

They have literally been by my side for the past 12 years

I can't imaging life without them

They bring so much life to our house

I feel safer and calmer knowing they are there

They are fantastic company too

I just love them so much 

And dread the day that I don't bring them home

What else?

I'm still going to my doctor every week

This morning my usual doctor was away 

So I saw 'Nice Woman Doctor'

She is lovely 

Told me she had listened to my radio interview 

And had also read some of my blog

I felt a bit naked when she said this

As I forget that I was on local radio

Talking about something so personal

She was lovely though

And told me there was a huge change in me

There is I guess

Both physically and mentally and emotionally 

I have moved on from the sick, addicted lonely girl that I was 

And am living my life in a way I never have in my whole life
Even though I have been through so much in my time
I feel extremely blessed to have the life I have
I am well and healthy
I live with my Man who I love dearly
And we get on great
I have amazing brothers and sisters
Two dogs and a pony who I adore
I am in a good place
Have great friends
I am lucky to have a job I love
Hobbies that feed my soul
My life is far from perfect
And I am no poster girl for recovery
But I am now happy and content with what I have
I want for nothing
And I believe my family and friends would move heaven and earth to help me

The past couple of weeks
Cocos owner has been avoiding me
Not answering my calls or texts
So yesterday I decided to phone him from my Mams phone
And lo and behold he answered
I was pretty annoyed and I let him know so
He told me that he's very busy with work and couldnt be dusty
What alias of old shit

One down, two to go

I finished my first month of work yesterday

It feels good to have accomplished that 

Yesterday 

I was on my own all day looking after 26 guests

That means making breakfast and serving it

Clearing up after 

Washing all dishes and the dining room

Setting for the next meal

And making sure all jobs are done

When I saw I was on my own yesterday 

I asked my manager if it was a mistake in the rota

She assured me that it wasn't 

And that I was more than capable

I can't lie

I felt pretty darn anxious about it

My manager asked me what part of it I was worried about 

So I told her 

Porridge 

Yes

Porridge

Why porridge I hear you ask

Well as well as making teas and coffees and toast for eight tables 

I also had to make porridge 

This meant turning on the gas 

Making sure it's ok

Turning on the burner

Making the porridge 

And minding it as it cooks 

Then taking orders and trying to keep it warm

You see my problem?

Anyway

My worries were unfounded 

I coped

I made porridge 

Nobody died 

Everyone was fed and watered 

Result!

As everyone filed out of the dining room

I began to clear the tables 

And bring all the dishes down to the kitchen to wash 

Which is a big job 

But I don't mind it at all

It's great to be busy 

I don't like having nothing to do

So all the washing done 

I clean up the kitchen 

Then head upstairs to clean and reset for the next course

All this work is often interrupted with guests asking all sorts of questions and requests

Whether they want to know about this or that 

Or they've locked themselves out of their room

It could be anything 

So then 

When everything is washed and bleached to within an inch of its life 

I can make a cup of tea 

Head down to the break room 

And take a few minutes to recharge and get ready for the next wave

I called them waves as that's exactly what it is like 

Everything is quiet and calm in the kitchen

And we are all standing around looking at each other

Then all the guests arrive and it's action stations 

After my break 

It's time to get ready for lunch 

It feels like I have just cleansed everything 

Then it starts all over again

But that's life I guess 

Lunch is the main event 

Four courses no less 

Soup

Main meal 

Dessert

And tea or coffee

So our kitchen is down stairs 

To get the meals upstairs we have a dumb waiter 

No that is not a stupid person 

It is a mini lift for food

Which let me tell you saves a lot of tooing frooing

Everyone seated 

And soup is up

Bring on my own yesterday 

I worked in a clock wise direction around the room

Just to keep track 

Soup served 

I go around with a bread basket?

Bread for you?

White or brown?

In my best professional voice

I leave them to it while they eat

Handily 

We have a camera in the dining room

So we can watch from the kitchen what's going on 

When I see them start to move 

I give the chef the signal to start playing the mains 

As he goes that 

I go up and start clearing bowls and getting as many as I can back down to the kitchen to put through the dish washer 

Mains are up 

And I serve them

There are 3-4 different chefs in the kitchen 

1-2 on at a time

And I soon realised that they all do things a little differently 

But what can you do 

Just get on with it

And roll with it

Mains served 

I go around with the gravy jug

I have to tell you 

People are very particular about their gravy

But then so am I

While serving mains 

I remember that one guy takes no potatoes 

And two of my golden oldies take one potato each 

I swear you think waitressing is easy 

Let me tell you categorically that it is tough 

You're going from the heat of the kitchen 

To the tranquility of the dining room

You do every thing with a smile and kind word 

Nothing is too much trouble 

And it's all done in jig time

Then 

Again

I give them time to eat 

I get all the soup bowls washed 

Get the tea and coffee ready 

And send up the dessert 

Clear up all the dinner plates 

Serve dessert

And go around with the tea pot 

The highlight of my day yesterday was when a boy called Stephen with Down syndrome told me my shoes were nice!

After that 

I leave them to it 

To chat  and Have their tea

Every time I leave the dining room

I take a handful of plates to get going on the washing

Which let me tell you can be never ending 

The amount of cutlery I polished yesterday was massive 

But it's enjoyable work 

It's not difficult 

But it's hard work

And when you have nice co workers it makes all the difference 

My manager seems to have a great knack of picking the right people for the centre

So

I get all the washing done 

And again set the dining room for the next course 

Yesterday it was exactly 4pm when I finished 

And now I am off until Sunday 

Which is just heaven!

This morning I woke up 

And revelled in the fact that I didn't have to get up at 7am

Utter bliss!

I called over to see Coco this morning 

He was in great form

It looks like he might be going to a new home 

So I am hoping he finds a home in the area so I can still visit him

There are a couple of options 

So we will see if any work out

Coco and Lea are best buddies 

It is just adorable to watch them 

Coco follows Lea around the field 

He tries to groom her 

And even bite her

Very cute 

Today Coco let me pick out his feet 

Which was brilliant!

He's becoming very tame and domesticated 

So proud of the little guy

Both my dogs are 12 now

And their age is beginning to show 

Lea has a spinal condition called spondylosis

Which effects her walk and balance 

She also seems to be going deaf 

As you know 

Honey lost an eye a few years ago

And now it seems her remaining eye is becoming infected 

So it's back to the vet we go 

I am hoping and praying that it's something that can be treated 

I guess we'll know more soon 

Anyway 

I am well 

All is well

Well mostly 

But mostly is good enough 

Thanks for reading 

See you on the next post...

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...!

Hello fellow bloggers

Friends 

Fellow readers and writers 

Fellow survivors

My dear sisters

Life is pretty busy at the moment 

I work three days a week

And also go horse riding 2-3 times a week

As well as seeing Coco

It's tricky trying to fit everything in

But I do my best 

And I am loving what I'm doing so it's really not like work at all

The place where I work is called St. Vincent de Paul Holiday Centre

Which is a charity run centre that help people who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday

It's like a hotel

Kind of

But it's more like a big house 

With a living room

Dining room

Bar

I have to say that I love it

If you have been reading recently 

You will know that I really struggled with anxiety in the lead up to starting 

To the point that I didn't think I would make it

Now of course I am wondering what I was worried about 

It's hard work

But not difficult 

Basically I wear many hats at work

Receptionist 

Waitress

Cleaner

Advice giver 

And generally just being there to assist anyone that needs it 

It's nicely busy 

So I'm kept going 

Which I like as the time flies by

It's a great feeling to be working 

To be busy 

To be earning money

To be out in the world 

Meeting people 

Helping our guests enjoy their holiday

Much better than sitting at home 

Thinking myself in to oblivion

So yes

I am very content and happy

Of course things are not perfect 

My Dads health is a concern

I'm still getting used to this body 

My meds can be tricky 

But I am doing my best to keep it all together 

To stay well

And to keep moving forward  

I see Coco as much as I can 

His owner is a very difficult person to deal with 

I mean this man loves to wind me up

One minute he's talking about finding Coco a new home 

The next he is talking about getting a pony for riding 

I would take Coco in a heart beat if I could 

I did inquire about renting a field near my house 

But no takers as of yet

As well as that 

I just don't feel I have enough experience to take on what in reality is a next to wild animal 

And I definitely don't have the funds to spare if he ever needs a vet or treatment of any kind

It would be irresponsible of me to take him on

I am however hoping that Cocos owner will find him a good home where I can visit him and still continue to work with him

As I am too involved now to walk away

I just couldn't leave him

He needs me 

And I am so fond of him

I just want what is best for him

That's all

Last Thursday 

I turned up to my riding lesson to find that it has been cancelled for some reason

So I was asked if I wanted to tag along on a two hour trek

I figured why not

I was with two young German girls called Emma and Lisa 

I was riding a beautiful girl called Molly

And Anke was out trek leader 

First we walked down to the beach 

Where we trotted, cantered and galloped 

It was my first time to canter on a beach

And it was utterly exhilarating!

I loved every second of it

We continued down the beach 

And across some fields 

Then we arrived in the next village and crossed the road onnto a track

One of the lanes was quite boggy 

And there was a puddle in the middle of the lane

My horse seemed flummoxed as to what to do

So she made a huge jump over it

I was thrown back 

Then forward

And came off Molly on my right side 

I was at the back of the ride

So no one noticed me falling until I called out

I quickly realised I wasn't hurt

And went to hold Molly

Anke dismounted and came down to me

We established that I was ok 

So I jumped back up on Molly

We took it easy the rest of the way back to the centre

Despite my fall 

I loved the trek

The next day my arms and legs were so sore 

But it was a very satisfying kind of sore

I couldn't wait to go on another trek

So I decided to ask my 16 year old nephew to come with me 

I booked an hours beach trek for us 

And we went yesterday 

We were in a group with two American girls who had never ridden before 

My nephew was on a huge horse called Gypsom

And I was on a beautiful girl called Anna

Another brilliant ride 

And my nephew seemed to really enjoy it

So I think I will bring him again soon

It's so lovely to have found something that I love to do

It makes life so much more enjoyable 

So whatever it is that makes you happy 

Be it pottery

Gardening 

Running 

Drawing

Singing 

Dancing 

Cooking 

Travelling 

Do it 

Do it as much as you can 

Free your mind 

Feed your soul

This is what life is all about 

Doing what you love 

And loving what you do

What is your passion?

Week 2

Yesterday

I finished my second week at work

I've also been looking after my Dad this week as my Mam was away

It was a long week

And it's so lovely to have a few days off

On Sunday 

I worked the 4-12am shift alone 

I was anxious before it

As I've never done that shift before 

As you can imaging I spent the whole week thinking about it

Almost dreading it

I would rather not be there on my own

But there was only 15 staying in the house 

So only one person is needed on every shift

Yesterday I was on 8-4pm

So rather than going hint and conning back a few hours later 

I decided to stay the night there

It was Avery quiet night 

And I spent a couple of hours just chatting with the guests 

It's funny how something I was dreading so muchg

Can turn around and flip what you expected 

I think about the run up to my starting work

I was a complete basket case 

And really wasn't sure if I would be able to start I felt that bad

But now

Two weeks later 

And I am now wondering what I was so worried for 

Basically working there is like running a big house

It's not complicate at all

But it is hard work

Am on my feet all day

Running between three floors 

Lots of lifting and physical work

And it's busy

But I would rather be busy than bored any day of the week

It's like a big never ending circle 

You set and serve breakfast 

And by the time you havr everything washes and put away 

It's time to start lunch

So it's a bit like ground hog day

But it's very satisfying to have a sparkling and shiny kitchen at the end of the day

I've also made some new friend at work which is lovely 

Our manager is very good at choosing her work staff

Everyone is sound, hard working and easy to get along with 

So I am a happy camper all round

The only thing about work

Is that I'm not getting to see Coco as much 

I used to see him every day without fail

But now it's four times a week

Which is still good I guess

I am doing my best though 

And the time I do have with him is very special

Unfortunately 

Relations with Cocos owner are breaking down 

He is being very difficult 

Not an easy person to deal with

I texted him this morning about enclosing Coco in a smaller area

He texted me back to 'go ahead'

This made my blood boil

As he knows good and well that I can't do it alone 

And even if I could 

The expense should not fall to me

I've already spent a lot of money on Coco 

And to expect me to pay for fencing is just not on

Technically when it comes down to it

It's not my land or my pony 

And really his owner needs to take some responsibility to look after his own animal

I have brought Coco on so much 

To the pony where he trusts me

And his best friend Lea

I could actually see this coming 

His owner has been a smart arse from the start

I've had to bite my tongue thus far

But no more 

Even though I love Coco 

And would do anything for him

I'm not prepared to be tested like a door mat

He is messing with the wrong girl..

Another option I have is that I buy Coco 

And move him to a field nearer to me

I have someone in mind to ask

So that could be a possibility 

Whatever happens 

I am not turning my back on the pony 

I'm way too involved now

In other news 

Summer is here 

Although you wouldn't know it in this country

Having gained weight 

I am not thrilled at the prospect of getting my arms and legs out

I know it's bad but I've been tanning 

As it makes looking at myself a little less painful 

But to be honest 

My ED feels very far away now

I don't even think about it really

And even at this weight 

It doesn't really bother me that much 

Yea I know

I'm confused too

But weight has come to be of little importance to me recently 

I never though I would hear myself say it

But I am not a size 10-12 European 

I have curves 

I have boobs galore

My thighs are substantial 

But I am more curious and interested than anything 

Of course this means I am in the process of buying new clothes 

And dressing a new shape

I've discovered that instead of trying to Hide myself in tent like clothes 

It's much much better to embrace my curves 

And make the most of my shape

I don't need to tell you that this is massive progress

I have foung that in recover, the body recovers first 

And it takes the kind a lot longer to get better 

But ladies let me tell you that it's worth the wait

To feel

Comfortable in your own skin is just amazing 

Better than any weight loss 

Better than seeing the number on the scales go down

I shit you not!

I am just so grateful to be in a good place

And I am blessed and lucky to have a crack team of family and friends around me

Who have carried me when I thought I couldn't go on

Recovery is a team effort 

I think often times the families and friends around the sufferer are almost forgotten about 

Addiction, mental health and other conditions effect the whole family 

The whole family lives through it

It's the same in recovery 

Families need support

They need to be minded too

As they are the ones who got us through 

Who held us 

Let us cry on their shoulder 

Who forgave us 

And never gave up on us

They are brilliant without a doubt 

So thank you 

To all the Mams, Dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, children, friend and not forgetting the animals in our lives 

They are to be celebrated

Because without them

God knows where we would be

I'll leave it there for today 

Thank you for reading 

And for being there

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you💜

The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening

And I'm chillin out at home

My first week of work is over

And I now have a few days off which is nice

Work went better than expected 

And even though I had my doubts

I think I will get through the summer ok

Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 

Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic

My car is fixed for now 

So hopefully it goes for me for another while 

My Mam goes away on Monday for a week

So I will be here alone with my Dad

He needs a lot of help now 

His hands are all but useless 

Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 

From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea

Patience of a saint is required 

But we manage 

In other news 

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 

And in my friends you might know 

I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 

And from doing a bit of snooping 

I discovered she has anorexia 

And also writes a blog

Being a good while in to my recovery 

The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion

I felt no trigger

No desire to be like her 

No immediate plan to lose weight 

I felt sorry for her

Because her body is vocalising what she can't say

My thoughts then turned to myself 

I have no idea what I weigh right now

And have no desire to know

My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 

I've gone from being a petit little girl

To a curvy and shapely woman 

A lot of my clothes don't fit me now

And I'm having to buy new ones

In new sizes too

I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain

And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all

But today 

Well today I am ok with my weight

I've decided that I have three options with my weight 

I can change it

I can ignore it

Or I can accept it

I've decided to accept it

As really 

In the grand scheme of things 

What's a few pounds here and there 

The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 

And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 

I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been

I have boobs galore 

And a booty you could eat your dinner off

And you know what?

I am perfectly ok with that 

I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 

And at the moment I have curves 

So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 

I am going to dress them to highlight them

Accentuate the positive and all that

Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me

Skinny is fine 

But so is curvy

It's more than fine 

It's sexy

It's unique 

It's attractive 

And for the first time probably ever in my life 

I feel ok in my skin

Now don't get me wrong 

I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 

I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me

But 

They are just clothes 

They are replaceable 

It's not a big deal

The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be

I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric

Now I have decided to embrace my curves

To show off rather than camouflage 

And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 

And that is confidence 

Confidence 

No matter what you wear 

Or what you look like 

If you have confidence 

If you act like you don't care 

If you rock what you've got and then some 

Then that is extremely attractive 

So yes 

One thing I've learned 

Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness

I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 

What a load of old shit

All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 

I was now under weight and miserable 

And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 

And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 

With my sister and Honey and Lea

I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 

As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

But today he was in much better form

And back to his gentle cheeky self

Which I was so glad to see

He was delighted to see his bestie Lea

And followed her all around the field like a puppy

Very cute

Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though

He is slimy

Smart arsed

Selfish

Egotistical 

I really don't like having to deal with him

So I try and avoid him at all costs

But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 

I just hope I can continue to see Coco 

As that pony is part of my life now 

I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 

I want to do something 

Like get another piercing or tattoo

Or dye my hair a mad colour 

Pink would be nice 

But I don't think work would appreciate that 

I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 

It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am

I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok

Do comment and let me know you are there

I'm off to make a cuppa

See you on the next post...

Work, worries and a tough time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby

Sad about nothing 

And everything

Where to start?

I started work last week

I am undecided as to how it is going 

All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently 

I feel like I could fall apart at any moment 

Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind

Work is a welcome distraction

But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown 

Also 

My car has been giving me so much trouble 

It's been in and out of the garage 

And no joy

I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked

It wouldn't start again today 

And it now sits over in the car hospital 

But I am doubtful she will pull through 

It might be time to cut my losses and change it

It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car

As well as that 

I've just been feeling pretty low

Like my life is going no where 

I called over to Coco today 

After not seeing him for a few days 

and I swear he was pissed off at me

He was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

It was like he didn't know me at all

Quite upsetting 

But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are 

Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess

But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with

I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle 

That I am a soft touch

And people can take advantage of me

I really need to learn to assert myself 

As it's no fun being a door mat

And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely 

So I am trying to remain calm and collected 

It's not easy let me tell you 

For the last couple of months 

I've been really struggling with horse riding 

I've been getting really tired and really out of breath 

Which makes it not very enjoyable 

So I told my doctor 

Who did blood tests

The results came back that I had low iron 

Low vitamin B12

And low Folic acid

Anaemia in other words 

So I've been taking supplements and tonics 

Today I went horse riding 

And I was like a different girl 

I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And didn't want it to end 

She didn't let me jump again today 

As she wants to take things slow 

Which is probably sensible 

But on the way back 

I was in the car with Fintan 

And I couldn't hold back the tears 

Even though I had a great lesson

I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness

Like my life was crumbling around me

I spoke to mother who was great as always 

She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this 

She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok

I 

Will

Be 

Ok

I know I will be

But right now I am feeling low

and I have to acknowledge that

Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress 

But I am doing my best to stay well in that department 

And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now

He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me

I do like it 

But I worry about what people think of me

My co workers 

My manager 

The guests

There is a 16 year old working there too

And she was given a tip yesterday

Right in front of me 

Which really knocked my confidence

I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive 

Too delicate and fragile for the real world

I bruise so easily 

And can't help but feel like the class dunce 

My manager asked me how I was getting on so far 

I told her the truth 

She said I had no reason to worry 

That I was a breath of fresh air

That helped 

But only temporarily 

My confidence 

My self esteem

My ego

Has taken a few knocks recently 

And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue 

Or leave and concentrate on getting well again

I feel tired 

I feel run down and knocked over by life

I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever

As well as all of that 

I don't know if I write about it 

But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease

As you know 

My parents are separated 

And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away

He stays with us a good bit 

But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently

So they can adapt the house for him

It looks like he is going to move in here 

Which brings up a lot

My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage 

They split up almost twenty years ago

And we all moved here 

We left our home town for a fresh start 

And to put some distance between ourselves and him

Now we are going to be living together again

And let me tell you

It's. it easy 

My Dad is becoming very frail

He lives in his own little world 

Almost like he's regressed to being a child again

So this is a big change

A massive challenge

We are coping by taking each day as it comes

That's all we can do

But yes

I feel very low

And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin

Or even a cigarette

Something to just get out of my own head

And have a bit of peace

But look

I will be ok

I'm not ok right now 

But I will be

So many things have run through my head this week

I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed 

My life is not hard compared to some people 

But I have come through a lot

and sometimes I feel so tired of life 

So weary 

Like I've lived ten lives already 

But what can I do only keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting

As my Mam said 

I've weathered bigger storms than this 

I'm made of strong stuff

I will be ok...