2004

This time 10 years ago
I was heading in to drug treatment for the first time
I had already done a detox inpatient
But this was the first therapeutic community I had entered
I had spent the summer in London
Doing an outpatient detox
My Mother had organized everything
Things had gotten so bad that she was willing to take drastic measures
I didn't object as I had just no fight left in me
And I needed a break from the  madness

We stayed with my Auntie B, Uncle N and my two cousins
My second morning there we had an appointment in the outpatient center
It couldn't have come soon enough as I was all out of drugs
My Auntie B and my mother came with me
Something I remember about that time
Is the endless fights with my mother
And that morning was no different
I was dilly-dallying as ususal
And my mother was keen to get out the door
The detox couldn't have started soon enough for her

The place was called the Stapleford Centerer
It was in Victoria
As we sat in the waiting room
I looked around at the other addicts also waiting
They looked so ill
I wondered did I look like them
Of course the answer was a resounding yes
A bit like anorexia
I just couldn't see it

Eventually the doctor called us in
His name was Dr Kindness
I always remember that name
He asked a  lot of questions
And explained about the detox
I would be put on a drug called Subutex
And it would be decreased every second day
Until I was down to nothing
Then I would have an implant of Naltraxone fitted
This was a little tube of medication that was inserted in to my hip
It would secrete Naltraxone in to my system
It lasted 6 months
This meant that if I used
It would have no effect
Naltraxone is an opiate blocker

To my surprise
My doctor also put me on a variety of other meds
Including valium and other Benzos
I was quite shocked as these drugs are also addictive
But I was an addict so I was saying nothing
I was just glad to have a little something

The next day I started my Subutex
This was a drug that was put under the tongue
And it dissolved in to the lining of the mouth
I was also taking liberal amounts of the Benzos
To top that up
I started raiding my Aunt's alcohol press
There was a huge bottle of vodka in there
I remember I didn't eat at all
I just drank all day
This left me in quite a stupor
My poor mother having to look at me
I used to sleep on the couch
So I stayed up all night
Smoking up the chimney
Drinking
And watching MTV

I remember one day we went to the pharmacy to collect my pills
And it was closed
If you want to see an addict panic
Just cut off their supply
And that's exactly what I did
Panic
I needed those tablets
I really needed them
At least the addict in me needed them
Insisted that we go to another doctor
As the pharmacy that was closed had my script
I remember we went to a doctor in one of the busy train stations
I can't remember which one
But I'm sure my mother can
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity
I finally got to see the doctor
I explained my predicament
And he was very understanding
Maybe a bit too understanding
He gave me my Benzos with very little question
I didn't care
I was just happy to have my pills


The detox lasted about 3 weeks
It was relatively painless
But that was because of all the booze and pills I was taking
But no one realized how bad things had got
So we ploughed ahead with the next step
The implant
When the detox was finished
I had to wait a few days
And then it was time for the implant
The doctor put local anaesthetic around my hip
A little cut was made
And the implant was slipped in
I watched the whole thing

So now I was implanted
There was no point in using
As it would have no effect
Thinking back I little understanding of what was happening
I was more or less frog marched over to London
And I didn't protest as I just had no fight in me
I was tired and worn out from using
I needed a time out
To recharge my batteries
So I went along with it

Before I had left for London
I had done as assessment for a treatment center in Dublin
And was waiting to hear back from them
Early September I got the call
They had a place for me
By now I had realized that I might as well go to treatment
As there was no point in going home
Not if I couldn't use

So my mother and I headed back to Ireland
I was still pretty much out of it all the time
Because of the booze and pills
We arrived in Dublin
I was due to go in to treatment the next day
We stayed with a friend of mine that  night
I remember drinking myself silly

The next day came all too quickly
I was too out of it to be nervous
But I had no idea what to expect
All I knew was that it lasted 16 weeks
And to me that sounded like forever
I got my stuff together
And we headed for High Park (It really was called that!)
I remember it was a nice day
My friend and my mother came with me
And I entered treatment for the first time

To be continued.............

Looking Up

The last couple of days have been pretty tough
My weight was really getting me down
I didn't really let on to my family how much it was effecting me
But it really was
I just wanted to crawl in to my bed
And not get up until I had lost half my body weight
I got up every morning
Trying to find something to wear that I felt comfortable in
Feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter was driving me beserk
I felt like I was a raging anorectic
In the body of an obese person
I felt like screaming my head off
And because I was feeling so shit
I wanted to escape
So I did what I do best and over used my meds
I even thought about overdosing
That's how messed up my thinking had become
I just wanted out
Off this earth
And out of this body

Then this morning I got two lovely emails
With such kind words
Such caring and loving wishes
And something shifted in me
I suddenly realized that people are not worried about the size of my body
They only care about the size of my heart
They don't mind about how much I weigh
They are just happy that I am here
Happy and healthy
I suddenly realized that my whole family must be so relieved that I finally seem to be getting well
Nobody is looking at me and judging me
I am the only one who is doing that
I need to give myself a break
I am in the process of recovery
And this is all very normal
I just need to be gentle with myself
Look after myself
I am in a vulnerable place
It's a crucial time for me
It's either keep moving forward or
Or lie down and hold up my white flag
And I'm not prepared to give in
It's not my style

I am struggling still
There is no point in denying that
But I am still moving forward
Still fighting
Still hoping and wishing for a better life
I believe it is possible
I believe that I can overcome all these hurdles
And conquer my demons
That's all I can do

In an effort to feel a bit better about myself
I went to my favourite surf shop today
And tried on some chinos
I bought these maroon ones
I am pretty pleased with them

Said maroon trousers

Thank you as always, for all your messages, comments and emails
They mean more to me than you will ever know
From a tired, confused, but hopeful Ruby x

9/11

Today is the 13th anniversary of 9/11
I only realized when the date showed up on the tv this morning
I remember  that day
But for all the wrong reasons
Back then I was in active addiction
That morning I made my way to Dublin to go and get drugs
I was listening to music on the way
So I missed any early reports on the radio
When I arrived in  Dublin
I walked over to the North side of the city to my my dealer
A hardened addict who was just out of prison
It never occurred to me to ask him why he was in prison
It's just didn't seem important at the time

The house was a three story red brick home
It looked ok from the outside
But inside it was a wreck
It looked like an ab abandoned house
But this guy lived there with his brothers and sisters
We went in to the bedroom
And shot up
There is no pretty way to say that
He needed to go across to the other side of the city
So we jumped in his car and headed over
I remember he gave me a bundle of money to count
It was at this point that I heard something on the radio about a plane crashing
I paid little attention to it
When you are addicted your life  centers around the drug
And again it didn't seem important
That guy as since died from AIDS

It wasn't until I got home that evening that I heard the full story
But it wasn't until years later when I got clean
That I realized the full devastation of what happened
That this would be a day that history would never forget
That so many people's lives were effected
That it would change world events irrevocably

Today I am lighting a candle for the 2796 people that were killed that day




Do you remember where you were when 9/11 happened?

A - Z of recovery

A - Anorexia

B - Bulimia

C - Caring (For yourself)

D - Diets (To be avoided)

E - Eating disorder

F- Fu*k you anorexia ( And food, it's essential!)

G - Growing up

H - Help (Ask for it)

I - Inspired (Be inspired by someone elses recovery)

J - Joke ( Sense of humour is essential in recovery!)

K - 

L - Laxatives ( Never again)
      Laughter (Essential!)

M - Medication ( Sometimes needed)

N - Nourish (Your body)

O - Opportunity to live again

P - Peace of mind

Q - Quirky ( I definitely am)

R - Recovered?
       Regaining weight

S - Strength
      Support

T - Tough times don't last, tough people do

U- Unbeatable

V - Victory (Over our EDs)

W - Wise

X - X-cited about life again (Sorry I cheated with this one, just couldn't think of one for X)

 Y- 

 Z -

Can you think of a K, Y or Z?

Lisadell

In an effort to get out of my own crazy head
My sister, Honey and Lea and I  went to Lisadell beach for a walk
Thank you all for your comments on my last post
I will respond to all comments soon
I'm finding this part of recovery really quite difficult
And I can feel my mood and motivation slipping
It's just so horrible to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin
It's on my mind all the time
I'm so conscious of my body
And how much space it takes up
I need constant reassurance that I am not obese
Or even overweight
Logically I know that my weight is in the healthy range
It's more a feeling
And I need to address it if I'm going to move forward
A lot of the time I feel like unzipping my skin and stepping out of it
I am that uncomfortable

The only comfort I have is that I know this is all part of the recovery process
And I'm better off in this situation
Than I am severely underweight
And ill

On the day of my birthday
My Mum told me that she is really proud of me
And that the best birthday present I could give her was me being well
And times like that
All this s worth it
Maybe I just need to hear that more often

Help!

The past couple of days have been hard
Really hard
It started the day of my birthday
I was having a fat day
And did not want to go out at all
In fact I just wanted to get in to my bed
And not get out until I was thin
My fatness damn nearly ruined my birthday
But I pushed through it and managed to enjoy myself
Then I saw the photos from my birthday
And I felt like crying
I didn't recognize the girl in the pictures
I couldn't believe that that was me
My legs looked so chunky
And my jacket looked too small for me
I just wanted to disappear

Then yesterday
For some reason best known to myself
I decided to weigh myself
I was shocked to see that my weight is increasing at an alarming rate
I saw a number I have never seen before in my whole  life
Right there and then I resolved to stop eating until I was thin again
Ant to exercise my big butt off
I just didn't know what else to do

This was early in the morning
My sister came down later on
I decided to talk to her rather than taking the drastic measures I had planned
That doesn't work anymore anyway
I had a very honest chat with her
She told me that I was eating too much junk food
She is not wrong
Because I have given up smoking
I have been eating more sweet stuff
And have been sticking my head in the sand
Refusing to face up to the reality of how much I have been eating
My sister insisted that I am not big
But I know that I am
And I know that it doesn't suit me

We decided to work out each day how many calories I consume
And how many calories I burn
Also to keep a food  diary
So I know how my food is effecting my weight
I have a lovely new notebook
So I am using it for that

I know that counting calories probably isn't ideal for someone trying to recover from an eating disorder
But I don't know what else to do right now
I have to do something
Because if my weight keeps going up
I am going to lose my marbles

I feel like there is so much of me
Although my clothes still fit
They are tighter
And I hate that
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
My sister keep s telling me that I am in recovery
And I need to take it easy on myself
Again she is right
She also told me that I am getting used to my new body
And that will take time
I know she makes sense
It's just that this part of recovery really sucks
I feel like I am not in control of my weight or my body
And that is a scary feeling
I feel out of control
Afraid
Anxious
Uncertain
Uncomfortable in my own skin

My sister also said that I will never have the body that I had when I was 20
She said that I am a woman
Not a girl
And women have hips and boobs and curves
It's true though
I used to be able to not eat for days
And it would have little effect on me
I can't do that anymore
Not that that's a bad thing

But seriously
I need to get my eating in to some sort of normality
The chocolate is gone
There is no such thing as me having a little bit
So it had to go
I kept my food diary
And worked out the calories
Then subtracted the calories I burned from a 45 minute walk
A 15 minute jog
And 45 minutes of Zumba
I probably over did it on the exercise yesterday
But the truth is that I want to lose some weight
I know that is dangerous territory
But what do I do?
I feel so uncomfortable
So awkward and cumbersome
I'm not going on a  crazy diet
I am trying to do it the healthy way
If there is such a thing

Maybe I am crazy to be thinking about such things
Maybe I should just try and get used to this body
But I just want to get down to where I am remotely comfortable in my own skin
You know?

I mean, look at this photo
Am I imagining things
Or do I look really big
I think I do

With all that said
I need your help
Have you re-gained weight in recovery?
How did you manage?
Did you over shoot your set point at first?

What not to say to someone with an eating disorder

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be a bit of a mine field

What do you say?

What do you not say?

It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you love spiral out of control

I find that people are so uncertain what to say

Some people are very blunt 

And ask lots of inappropriate questions

And some people just avoid the subject

And pretend it isn't there

Neither of these ways is very helpful

Although I would prefer someone asked me straight out

Rather than pretend that the problem isn't there

From my experience 

Here are somethings that you shouldn't say to someone with an eating disorder

Don't tell someone they are too fat to have an ED
How ignorant can you get?
EDs are not about food, weight or shape
A person with an ED genuinely hates themselves
And doesn't need someone adding to that
Eating disorders come in all shaped and sizes
From emaciated to obese
And everything in between

Don't talk about weight/comment on the persons appearance

I know people mean well

I really do

But don't tell a person with an ED that they look really well

Or really healthy

The person will most likely assume that you think they are fat

At the same time, don't comment that someone is very thin

This can reinforce someone's ED

I know people want to acknowledge it if someone is on the road to recovery

But I think all comments about appearance should be avoided until the person is fully recovered and
can handle such comments

Don't tell someone that they don't look sick
Eating disorders can be invisible
Just like depression
Don't assume someone isn't sick because they don't look sick

Don't assume that someone is ok because they look ok

This is a mistake that so many people make

They assume that because someone has gained weight and looks healthy

Then they must be healthy and recovered

Ed's are not about food and weight

They are about low self esteem, low confidence, fear and anxiety

If someone has gained weight

Please bear in mind that their own mind and thoughts may still be eating disordered

Recently I've had to deal with a lot comments on my appearance

That I look really healthy

Everytime I have to give myself a pep talk

That people want to be kind

They want to acknowledge my recovery

It's still hard to hear though

Don't comment on the persons food

If the person is eating in front of others, this takes immense courage

Please don't comment on what they are eating

How much or how little they are eating

Or what they are eating

This can be very damaging and triggering

And may discourage the person from eating in public again

Don't make the person feel guilty about eating

Please don't plead/threaten/or guilt the person in to eating

The person will already feel enough guilt about their ED

And doesn't need anyone else adding to it

Don't criticize others weight/food choices

If the person with an ED hears you comment on others weight of food choices

They may bring it back to themselves

Or compare themselves

It could reinforce the fact that their own choices are not perfect

This can also be triggering

I know when someone makes a comment about my own food choices

I immediately feel guilty

Like I shouldn't be eating it

Don't talk about food being 'healthy' or 'unhealthy'

The person with an ED will inevitably have had a list of safe and unsafe foods

One of their goals in recovery will be to not put food in categories

Food is food

There is no good or bad

Don't ask for diet advice or say things like I wish  that I had your willpower'

EDs are not about willpower

They are about fear and self loathing

They are not on a diet

And this is not a lifestyle choice

People with EDs are very unwell

It is an illness

Not a choice

I remember when I was working in a hotel a few years ago

A woman asked me how I kept so slim

I was honest with her

And told her that my diet was not healthy

And it was not something she should emulate

Don't joke about eating disorders
It's not funny
It's our lives

No numbers!

Please don't mention numbers to someone with an ED

As in weights

Clothes sizes

Calories etc

It will drive them mad

And they will inevitably compare themselves

Numbers are best avoided!

But you eat.......
Yes of course I eat
If I didn't I would be dead quite quickly
Contrary to popular belief
People with eating disorders do eat
Of course they do!
It's very disordered eating
But they do eat

Just snap out of it!
Just snap out of it?
This is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk
Ri.
Dic.
U.
Lous.



Oh I had a friend who was so ill. She got down to XXpounds and was in hospital for months
Please don't tell us about your friend who was so very ill
We are competitive
And will inevitably compare our weight and ourselves to that person
We will think to ourselves that she was really sick
And we are just frauds
And not really sick at all
When you define yourself by your weight
Any one with a lower weight is doing it better

Some really silly things that people have said to me over the years

You don't look like you have an eating disorder

Aren't anorectics skinnier?

Are you doing this for attention

You're not that bad ( A nurse in hospital)

You're a bad person for doing this

You're always eating

You eat so unhealthy

Have you lost/gained weight?

You look so healthy!

You're so slim, you're so lucky

What silly things have been said to you?