Starry starry night....

I bring this post to you a tired but very happy Ruby

Yesterday was a lovely day

It started early 

I had a quick cuppa before going down to meet sister number two

We left her house at about ten

And picked up my nephew from his Dad's on the way

Then we headed out to the equestrian centre

The centre is about an hour from my door to their door

But I enjoy it so much 

I don't mind the journey at all

The pony camp was on this week

And myself and my nephew arrived at about 11am to help out

There were about ten kids 

I was watching them ride 

And they were amazing!

Theses kids were from age 6 - 12

And they were well able to ride 

I was seriously impressed

There were a lot of helpers there today 

Do there wasn't a whole lot of work for myself and Oisin

But we helped where we could 

Leading the horses 

Giving the kids lunch 

But there was a lot of hanging around

To be honest 

I felt a bit out of my depth 

There were so many people there 

A lot of strong personalities 

And I kind of felt like I was being really quiet and awkward 

I was having a cuppa with the owner

And another girl who is a stunt rider

I felt like a meek little mouse 

My confidence is definitely something I need to work on 

Don't get me wrong 

I loved being there today 

I just felt like I wasn't being myself 

But 

I have to remember 

I am only going a few weeks

And I am working on my confidence and self esteem 

I am

A work in progress 

At about 2pm

We got to ride 

Two of the men from my group also came 

I was so delighted to finally get up and ride

Oisin also got to ride 

He was led around 

And he got to trot

He did so well

I got to canter today 

Which was amazing!

One of the lads called Daniel led me

And I felt like I was going so fast 

I had this big grin on my face

And it felt exhilarating!

Eilis said she will do more with me next week

So that's something to look forward to 

It's all about baby steps 

Growing and improving each week

Oisin loved the place 

Being with the animals 

And being around others who live animals too

It was lovely to do something just be and my nephew 

Animals are something that we really bond over

It's our thing 

And that is very special

Oh

And apparently I am going to be in a horse show in May 

I don't know what I have to do

Or what it's all about 

But I'm sure it will all become clear in time 

I just can't think about it

Or there's no way I'll be able to do it

The lesson finished at about 3pm

I was on Star as usual 

He is my bestie now 

I love him 

He's so patient and gentle 

And I think he mirrors me well

Food presented a bit of a problem today

I had brought a sandwich 

But it turned out that they made chips and sausages there 

I took a plate but coul barely eat any of it

When one of the little boys started crying they he had no sausages 

I gave him mine

So I just had a couple of chips

It was all I could stomach

It was a long day

And to be honest 

I was glad to hit the road for home

I'm just not used to being around so many new people 

And I can be quite shy and quiet

I'm hoping my confidence will improve 

As I don't like being a wall flower 

Eilis tells me my confidence will come on

I hope she is right 

On the way home 

We went to Homeland

Home land is this amazing store

It has a pet centre 

A groomers 

A garden centre 

Clothes 

And loads of DIY stuff and the like 

I picked up food for the dogs

And food for my neighbours dog too

After that 

We made our way home

I felt exhausted 

But still high on adrenaline may the same time

I thought back over the day 

And thought of incidents where I could have been a bit more sociable or chatty 

But look

I did my best 

I will never be loud or brash

It's just not in me

But I hope people will give me a chance 

Because I will eventually feel comfortable around you

And it will be worth the wait 

I promise you that 

I didn't take my meds this morning

As I wanted to be alert and lucid for the day

Usually on my way to the centre 

I fall asleep in the seat

But today I was very lucid and awake

I did feel different having not taken it

I felt hyper alert and sensitive

And had a lot more energy I found

I took it the minute I got home

And instantly felt relaxed 

That is probably a psychological thing 

Just knowing that I've taken it makes me feel better 

Today was great though 

To spend a day doing something I love is an absolute joy 

And to come home and feel naturally tired is so great

I sleep so well these nights 

And I know it's because I am more active 

Even though I am just sitting on the horse 

It is still hard work 

Hard but so enjoyable 

I would love to do more 

Heck I would love to ride every day if I could 

Hopefully during the summer I can do it more frequently 

Horse riding has really captured my attention and imagination 

It's something I wish I had done more of over the years 

But 

Better late than ever right?

We are getting some work done on our bathroom this week

So there are two men here working 

One of the men is called Pat

We have known him since we moved here ten years ago 

He often does jobs around our house 

We were having a cup of tea yesterday 

And he reminded me of what I used to be like 

He said he would call in to the house 

And I would be passed out on the living room floor 

From drinking vodka and abusing my meds 

He used to try to help me 

But I wouldn't listen to him at all

He said that there is such a difference in me now 

And it's true 

I've worked hard to get to place where I am happy and healthy 

Granted sometimes it's two steps forward and one back 

But the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction 

Every morning 

I ask my higher power to help me get through the day without hurting myself or anyone else

And be thankful that night

Horse riding is helping me change my life 

And I just know it will help me with my confidence and self esteem 

Eilis is the lady who runs the place she never asks me about my conditions 

But I would live to tell her about my history 

Of drugs and ED

Just to let her know why I am the way I am

And I am trying to get my life back on track

But she is always so busy 

So it's hard to get a quiet word with her

But I'm sure I will

When the time is right 

I am so paranoid though

I was thinking that they all thought I was the weird quiet girl with piercings in her face

But again

That is my head telling me that 

And my head is not a reliable source of information

But I will keep going

Keep pushing myself to get out and about and live my life 

Push through the fear and the anxiety 

And do the things I want to do 

I think it's so important to move outside our comfort zones 

And do something that tests us and challenges us

Other wise we don't grow and thrive 

I have Mary to thank for hooking me up with Eilis and the horses

Mary works with a girl called Sam

And Sam goes to the centre 

And put the word out about people with mental health issues riding 

Sam was there my first day riding 

And Eilis told me today that she will he there next week

It will be good to see her 

And show her how far I've come

So 

I will leave you here 

I'm going to take it easy today 

And get my strength back 

Hope all is well in your world 

See you in the next post....

Happy Easter!

To all my fellow bloggers and readers

I wish you a very happy Easter

I am still away 

My Mum and I are staying here until tomorrow

My sister and her partner are minding Honey and Lea

I hate to leave them

But at least they don't have to go to the kennels 

My sister absolutely loves them 

So I know they will be well looked after

Still

That doesn't stop me texting ten times a day to see how they are

After visiting the horses yesterday

We headed back in to town

And I went back to Topshop

Where I purchased the blue oversized shirt that I had tried on the day before 

Photos of that to follow...

We went back to the house then

Where we relaxed for a couple of hours 

Before heading out to dinner

The restaurant was called The Yellow Pepper

It was so busy 

And there was a real buzz about the place

We took our seats 

Ordered drinks 

And had a look at the menu 

There were a few things I liked the look of

The beef stroganoff 

Lentil and sweet potato curry

And pork belly 

In the end

I went for the stroganoff 

Mam had the veg casserole

And my uncle had the chicken

Mine was yummy 

I ordered a side of mash with it 

Mash is like my favourite food

And this one was creamy and smooth and extremely delicious 

Stroganoff is made with a paprika, brandy and cream sauce 

And as I made my way through it 

It began to make me feel sick

So I stopped there 

After 

My uncle I shared an apple pie

Whic was also very good

And my uncle kindly treated us to dinner 

So that was nice 

He then went out to the pub

And my mother and I went home

I watched TV for a while 

Before heading to bed

I was asleep in seconds 

So 

Today is Easter Sunday 

I'm not sure what we are doing today 

But I'm sure it will be something good

This part of the country is wildly beautiful

So many lovely beaches

And walks

It's nice to get away for a couple of days 

Although I am a home bird 

A change of scenery can be a tonic 

My uncle is great to stay with

Very laid back and relaxed 

I feel very comfortable here 

In other news 

I am trying my level best to ignore my weight 

To eat intuitively 

Eat when I'm hungry 

Stop when I'm full

No purging 

And no obsessive body checking 

As Mich and a few others pointed out

My dream of a house in the country surrounded by animals will never happen if I choose to maintain my ED

It's one or the other 

I can't have both 

And if I had to choose 

I would choose my dream life any day of the week 

So

It's down to me to put the wheels in motion

And start working towards those dreams 

I can just picture it

An old stone house 

With a half barn door 

Dogs running out to greet you

Maybe chickens and hens in the back 

A field with two donkeys 

Shelley and Jessie 

And of course 

Space for a couple of horses 

I would just be in heaven 

And the thing is

It's not a million miles away 

It's very possible

Very attainable 

As long as I stay well and healthy 

And I want to 

I really really want to 

What are you doing for Easter?

Donegal

Today my uncle, my Mum and I

All headed out to my uncles friends house

He is a former dentist

And him and his wife keep horses

I wasn't able to ride on this occasion

But I was still super excited to see their place

The house was about ten minutes outside of the town

A beautiful stone affair

And I could see the stables to the right of the house

We rang the bell

The door was one of those half barn doors 

Too cute

The man answered and ushered us in to a beautiful old fashioned country kitchen

Where a little dog called Eddy greeted us very enthusiastically 

We were introduced to his wife who was having her lunch 

And then went out the back door

And up to the stables 

They have six horses

And what majestic creatures

These were huge animals 

My little Star looks positively small beside them 

We were shown around 

The stables 

The horse solarium

The horse spa 

The horse exerciser

Oh yes 

These people are hard core horsey folk

It was all fascinating 

I could have stayed there all day

After looking around 

We retired back to the kitchen for tea and cake 

Before we hit the road again

Truly though

I fell in love with the place

That is my dream

To live surrounded by animals

To work with them

Play with them

Just to be around them

Would be my idea of heaven

Anyway

Enough words

On to the photos......

Friday

As my Mum and I both have free travel

We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 

I started packing two day ago

I love packing 

I love sorting out clothes to wear 

Mixing and matching different outfits

I always bring too many clothes

And usually I buy a couple of things 

So my case is bursting on the way home

We arrived her at about 3 30pm

Dropped our bags off at the house

And then walked in to town

I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 

So I had a look in a couple of shops

And tried on a few

Usually I am my usual impulsive self 

And buy something 

But today I couldn't make a decision

And so left the shops empty handed 

We retired to a coffee shop

For tea and a bun

Later on we went out for dinner 

In a local hotel 

I had a burger and chips

But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest

I did enjoy the company and the chat though

After food

We headed back to the house

To relax

And watch some TV 

A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post

She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight

Is directly linked to my mood

I had to read the post a couple of times 

And had a think about it 

I think she has a point 

Last summer 

I was doing well

I felt good 

I wasn't weighing myself 

I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 

I was the happiest I had been in a long time 

So 

The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 

And focus on being healthy 

Instead of being thin 

I've done it before 

There is nothing to stop me doing it again 

Nothing except myself 

And I am notorious for getting in my own way

Trying on clothes today

Looking in mirrors 

I don't hate what I see

I don't particularly like it 

But I don't hate it 

I can live with it 

I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 

Of hating myself 

Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness

I give up 

I'm done trying to win this war

I'm walking away

I'm giving up

That is not to say I'm giving up on life

Not at all 

I'm giving up this God for saken battle 

This war of wills

The only way the ED wins 

Is if I die

I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 

Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette

I don't want this life of guilt and shame 

I just want to live a normal life 

My dream is to have my own place in the country 

A small field where I can keep donkeys 

A house full of dogs 

When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 

The size I am doesn't come in to it 

I don't think about my dream life clothes size

I think about things that feed my soul 

Not about what clothes size I fit in to

Does anyone?

I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 

Who keep horses

And work with people including autistic kids 

I'm hoping to ride too

If they can fit me in

I spoke to my nephew yesterday 

He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 

To help with the pony camp

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 

Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me

And I'm loving that 

It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch

And venture in to the big wide world 

If we just life our heads 

Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 

And start looking at the world around us 

If we look to our fellows

Instead of naval gazing 

And reach out 

Instead of closing in

I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense

I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath

And stick my head in the oven 

Only joking 

But only just

I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to

See you on the next post....

Away

My Mum and I are away this weekend 

Not too far though

We are staying with my uncle who lives about 90 minutes north

I am still struggling with my bloggers block

My struggle seems somehow insignificant at the moment 

And I am tired talking and writing about myself 

I'm sure this will pass

It's just a phase 

Sometimes I am blogging enthusiastically every day

Other times it's good to be silent

And right now

I feel like I have nothing of any importance to say or write 

Please bear with me 

I will be back

I promise you that 

Thursday

I've been finding it really difficult to blog this week

I've been experiencing a kind of bloggers block

I just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence together

And I've been avoiding blogger 

There isn't anything wrong as such 

I just don't feel one hundred percent myself 

I feel really tired 

Emotional 

Not present in my own body or mind 

I feel like I don't fit in 

Anywhere 

Not in my own family 

Not at the meetings 

The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses 

I just feel so at home 

And so free when I am up on Star

Like nothing else matters at that moment 

As you know 

I ride with a group of MS sufferers 

And we all leave our troubles at the door 

And just have fun 

Enjoy each other's company

As well as the horses 

There is such a lovely atmosphere there 

And everyone has a lovely time 

Next week 

I am going to help with the pony camp for kids 

And my nephew is coming with me too

We are going to work for the day 

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

So that is something to look forward to 

Apart from that glorious day once a week 

When I forget about my troubles 

Things are tough 

I saw Mary this morning 

It was a long and tough session

We covered a lot 

Family issues

Food 

And of course weight 

She weighed me 

I didn't look 

But then as always 

I asked her what it was 

I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks 

Even though it's small amount 

I still had a bad reaction to it 

And immediately began to withdraw and close up

Mary is convinced it's muscle 

As I am a lot more active 

It could be I guess 

But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point 

It's not so much that fact that I gained a kilo

It's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this 

And spin out  of control 

We talked about my anxiety around numbers 

They are just numbers Mary said 

But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so long

It's hard to escape that prison

That rigid way of thinking 

And the thing is 

Before Mary weighed me this morning 

I felt alright in my body

I bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday 

And I felt I looked something approaching decent 

It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown 

Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

How you made peace with the numbers in your life?

If yes

How did you do that?

Do you think we should weigh in recovery?

Why do you think that ?

Answers on a postcard please....

Wednesday

Apologies for the radio silence over the past few days

Life intervened

And I just didn't get a chance to write

Also I didn't really want to write

I wrote a post on Monday

And promptly deleted it

If you did read it 

You will know that my Mum was diagnosed with osteoporosis this week

In her spine and hips 

I deleted the post as I felt I needed to process the information before writing about it

This news has come as a bit of a shock

My Mum had a bone scan done a few weeks ago 

And on Monday she got the results

I went to speak to her

And she looked really shook

I asked what was wrong 

She said nothing 

But I knew there was something 

Eventually 

She told me that she had received some bad news

That she had just got off the phone from her doctor 

And she informed Mum that she has osteoporosis 

It was a real shock

And I could see from Mum that she had not expected it either 

We sat in silence for a while 

Neither of us sure what to say or do 

I asked about treatment 

And Mum had been told she could get an injection twice a year that would help manage it

Also diet and exercise 

The doctor recommended that Mum join a gym 

And practise weight bearing exercises 

So at least there are things she can do to help herself 

All is not lost

So yea 

I haven't much felt like writing the last few days

Don't worry though 

I'm not going anywhere 

Sometimes it's good to take a break

Take a step back and look at things from a distance 

I know I don't need to tell you how much much my Mum means to me

She is my life 

The one who never gave up on me

Only for her 

I have no doubt I wouldn't be here

But this is life 

We live 

We grow up 

Grow old 

Get ill

Time waits for no man

Or woman

Again 

I'm sorry that I left you hanging 

It's just a difficult it time at the moment 

I'm sure you understand 

Gaining....

I was in the supermarket the other day

When I met a woman that I hadn't seen in a while 

She reached out to my face 

And said I looked like I was filling out

I waited for the horror of these words to wash over me

I bit my lip in case I began to lose my shit

I smiled 

And said thank you 

I don't know why I thanked her

But I couldn't think of anything else to say

I moved on 

The smile still plastered on my face 

And held my breath in anticipation of a complete meltdown 

But you know what?

It never happened 

The shit storm never happened

I registered the words for what they were 

Someone wanting to give me a compliment 

Someone being kind

And acknowledging that I am getting well

If someone had said that to me a year ago

I would have just lost my shit altogether 

It wouldn't have just ruined my day

It would've ruined my whole life 

But 

This time 

This time I was able to take the words in the spirit in which they were intended

And that my friends 

Is progress

I haven't been weighing myself in recent times 

I've just been going how I feel 

My clothes still fit 

I don't feel like they are too small or too big 

And I've been feeling pretty ok

But 

This morning I had a massive urge to know what I weighed 

So I pulled my old dusty scales out from under the drawers 

Stripped 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers flashed 

Then settled

BMI : 18

I can handle that 

I can live with that 

I would be more than happy if my weight stAyed   here 

Give or take a few pounds 

How I wish that I didn't give a shit

How I wish that weight and numbers meant nothing to me

That the scales was not the be all and end all 

How I wish I liked and accepted my body

My self 

Even just part of myself 

I don't know you guys 

I hope it gets  better 

Tell me it does

Promise me....

St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all you lovely readers!

Gosh this day brings back memories

Mostly bad ones 

Growing up

Paddys day was an excuse to get absolutely blotto

And inevitably there would be a massive family row

More often than not 

My Mum and I would move out for the weekend 

And go to my sisters or a friend 

Just to get away

Then came the drug years 

When St. Patrick's Day was just another day in the daily grind of addiction

I can remember one quite well

Dublin was heaving with people 

And I was wandering around 

Sick

Trying to get money together

And generally feeling very sorry for myself 

I can remember looking at all the people 

Laughing 

Smiling 

Enjoying the parade

I remember seeing a guy that I had been in treatment with 

He had a little girl on his shoulders 

She looked like she was having such great fun

I didn't go over to them 

I was in quite a state

And didn't want to involve them in my sorry situation 

I can't remember what else happened that day

I must have got drugs at some stage

As the rest of the day is a blur 

These days 

I tend to avoid town on this day

As it is still an excuse to drink until you can't stand up anymore 

So today 

My Mam, Honey and Lea and I 

Will be curling up in the couch 

With hot cups of tea

And a box of sweets 

Bliss!

So

Whatever you are up to today 

If you are celebrating 

Or isolating 

I wish you a very happy St. Patrick's day 

To you and yours 

I am sporting green trousers in an effort to get in to the spirit of the occasion     

And yes 

I have gained weight....

Horse Riding

After a long hard winter

We finally saw a little bit of spring this week

Which makes life a little easier

It's not so hard to get up in the morning

It's not so cold

People seem to be in better form

Weather is something that is discussed to death in this country

We love to get a sunny day

So we can talk at length about the great stretch on the evenings

But we also love to give out about the weather almost as much as we like talking about the good

Anyway

As you know

I now go horse riding every Wednesday 

Which I look forward to all week

The equine centre is about an hours drive

And yes

I always bring someone with me

Today that someone was my mum

I dont mind the journey 

Heck I used to travel the length and breadth of the country to get drugs

So an hours drive for something I love, is no trouble at all

The session was great

As always

I am now in a group with two men

Who have been attending the centre for the past three years

One of them canters and everything!

I asked if I could canter too

But 

Not yet 

As ever 

I am eager to go galloping around the arena 

But I am learning that patience is a virtue

And I have to remind myself that these people have been horse riding for years

I have been riding for all of five weeks

Pace yourself Ruby

My Mum

The budding photographer 

Took some photos from the judges box

Here they are...

Eating and Living: Recipes for recovery

A few months ago

I was contacted by a lady called Francesca Baker

Francesca was putting a book together

A recipe book for eating disorder recovery by those who have been there

I was asked to contribute a recipe

Which I did 

And a little blurb to go along side it

I decided to pick chicken chasseur

As it was something I began to eat during the first year of recover

And my little story was about how my sister had come home from Australia and was teaching me how to cook

The book is now for sale on Amazon

And I got my copy last week

It is beautifully put together

And I am so delighted to have been part of it

Bad News

I've been worried the last couple of days

That my piercing was becoming infected 

It looks quite raw

Although it is not sore

And I have to admit 

I have purged a few times in the last couple of days 

So I don't know if that has contributed 

I saw my doctor this morning

Nice Woman Doctor

She brought it to my attention that it could in fact be infected

She asked if I am allergic to penicillin 

As that would be the best medication for it

But I am in fact allergic 

So I had to get a less effective one

She also told me to soak it in a salt water solution 

And to take progress photos over the next week

To see if it's getting better or worse

You guys 

I am so disappointed 

So disappointed that I purged 

That I let this happen 

I thought I was doing everything right

And I was at first 

But 

As ever 

My ED got the better of me

And now I have an infected lip piercing 

The doctor said that if it hadn't improved in a few days 

The bar will need to come out

I am just going to be so diligent over the next week

And hope that I have caught it in time 

No purging 

No

Purging 

Got that Ruby?

No. Purging.

So I wanted to ask any of you lovely ladies who have piercings 

Have you ever had an infection from one?

How did you deal with it?

Did you have to take the piercing out?

Did it heal? 

I really don't want to have to take the bar out 

It was an expensive and painful procedure 

And it would be a shame to have to let it close up and heal 

God dammit

I know this is my own stupid fault 

Maybe the purging had nothing to do with it

But I suspect it has

I am just so annoyed at myself 

That is all 

Convention

ELast night

I went in to the city 

To attend the annual AA convention

It was my first ever convention

So I was both terrified and thrilled to be a part of it

I went with two of the ladies from the lunch time meetings

We all met up at 6pm

And arrived at the hotel it was being held at about 6 30pm

All day yesterday 

I was a ball of anxiety 

And came very close to cancelling on several occasions 

But I really wanted to go

And I felt comfortable with the two ladies

I knew they would look out for me

We were some of the first to arrive

We registered 

And headed in to our first meeting of the evening

I guess before I go any further 

I should explain what an AA convention

Basically 

It's like any other convention

Only its for alcoholics

The theme this year was 'Happy, joyous and free'

There are meetings on the hour

Every hour 

It's also a social event 

A chance to meet knew people

And have a good night

In this country 

Al lot of socialisation is done in the pub

So it can be difficult to meet people in other situations

I really enjoyed the convention

The people were friendly 

The craic was mighty

And the meetings were so powerful

All in all 

It was a great night

And in so glad that I went 

That I battled my anxiety and won

I arrived home at about 1am

My sister and my mum waited up for me 

And I told them all about it 

It has taken me almost two hours to write this short post 

As I keep falling asleep 

Or writing something that makes no sense

I just wanted to share with you about the convention

As it was a big deal for me

Anyway

I'm off for a little power nap

See you on the next post....

Friday 11 March

Yesterday was a very busy day

I saw Mary in the morning 

Went to a lunch time meeting

And in the evening 

My mother and I went to a free dance class that was on in the local theatre

I was wrecked tired yesterday 

But I really wanted to go to the dancing 

As its something that I really enjoy

There were two dance classes on back to back 

First was Salsa

And then there was Ceili dancing 

Which is traditional Irish dancing

The class started at  8pm

We arrived on time 

Filled in a form

And took a seat in the room

There was salsa music playing 

And there was quite a few people there

Just then 

The teacher came over to speak to us 

She spoke in Irish 

I can speak a little Irish 

But my Mum is fluent 

The teacher explained that they were speaking Irish as it was Irish speaking week

So the class was to be in Irish!

More and more people filed in

I'd say there was about 30 of us 

And soon the class began 

The teacher was great

She explained things well

And had a lovely way about her

First

We did a wArm up 

Which was great fun

Then on to the dancing proper

We learned  the basic steps 

Then in partners 

One leading 

One following 

We practised our best Salsa 

We changed partners every few minutes 

So we got to dance with a lot of different people 

I really enjoyed it

And my Mum was laughing her head off

So I think it's fair to say that she enjoyed it too

In no time at all

The class was over 

The teacher left on the music so we could continue to practise 

She was going around the room dancing with different people 

Then she came to me

'You're a natural' she said

'So light on your feet'

I told her that I used to dance a lot

I asked her if she was a school teacher

As I got that vibe off her

But she told me that she was a pharmacist 

I thought about how I had been a pharmacist of a kind in another life

I thought it was just a bit ironic 

She asked me what I do

I told her that I was starting work in May 

And that I also write

'Are you a journalist?'she asked 

I said I wasn't 

And explained that I blog and such 

She asked what I write about 

I was kind of caught on the hop

And before I knew it

I was telling her that I am recovering from an eating disorder

And my blog was about the journey to recovery 

I'm still not entirely sure why I decided to share that information 

I kind of felt like I said too much

Given that it was supposed to be an evening of fun

But 

I tend not to hide my conditions

And I think it's good to be open about things 

Especially mental health issues

She seemed really interested in this

And asked me for my blog address

Which I gave her

Will she read it or not?

I don't know 

But she was really kind 

That's why I thought she was a teacher

Because she was gentle

Patient 

And made everyone feel really comfortable 

The Salsa finished up

And it was Ceili time

To say it was organised chaos is probably accurate

There were so many of us

And the Ceili is a fast dance 

So there was much laughing and joking 

And it was all great fun

Half way through 

It was getting late 

So my mum and I decided to call it a night

I hope they will do more classes

As we thoroughly enjoyed it

It was great to get out for an evening 

And meet new people 

Not sit catatonic in front of the TV all night

Of course you know they I love dancing 

I also found out that there is Zumba on every Tuesday night

So I might just venture out to that too

Mum preferred the Irish dancing

But I definitely preferred the Salsa

If given another chance at life 

I would never have given up dancing when I did

I don't believe in having regrets 

But dancing is something that I am  sorry I didn't pursue

We arrived home about 10 30pm

These days that is a late night for me

I'm usually in my pyjamas by 7pm

I was starting to ruminate about what I told the teacher 

And the verbal diarrhoea that seems to pour out of me at random times

I guess I talk and write about my eating disorder so much 

That I forget to maybe hold back a little in some situations

But the teacher last night gave me a positive response 

And seemed genuinely interested in my blog

But it does beg the question

And I am throwing the floor over to you

Do you speak openly about your eating disorder or mental illness?

If not why not?

If yes, why yes?

What sort of a response do you get when you talk about it?

Have you ever had a negative reaction in response?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Thursday

So near

And yet so far

I had almost reached a full week purge free

Alas 

After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening 

I broke my streak 

It was actually two bowls of pasta

I made spaghetti bolognase for dinner

I gave myself a modest portion

And half way through 

I decided that I'd had enough 

And put it in the fridge

Later on

About two hours later

I decided I would have the rest of the pasta

I can't say I was hungry exactly

At least not physically hungry

Maybe emotionally hungry

The second I had it eaten 

I knew I was in trouble 

But instead of asking my family for help

Or trying to distract myself 

I headed to the bathroom

And did the dirty deed 

The relief felt good

But it was fleeting 

Immediately I felt guilty

Annoyed 

Frustrated 

I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging 

But it wasn't to be 

But 

Today is a new day. 

And a chance to get back on track 

I started off my day walking Lea

Honey elects to stay at home sometimes

We had a lovely walk

Then it was time for me to go and see Mary

Today I was seeing her in a town further afield 

In the new primary care centre

I get anxious going to new places

But 

I found it ok

And got parked nearby

I headed up to the second floor 

Where Mary told me her room was 

I settled in to a seat in the room

And Mary asked me how the past week has been 

I told her about all the good things 

The horses 

Helping out at the Easter camps

Meetings 

And of course starting to get a handle on the purging 

She seemed genuinely delighted for me

And to be making progress at long last is exciting 

We chatted for a while

Until she asked me if I had been weighing

I was honest 

And said I had a couple of times 

But the thing is

My mum and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading 

And weighing too high

According to my calculations

I have gained ten pounds in little more than a week

Anyway 

So Mary weighed me on her scales 

And it said I had gained two kilos 

So my own scale is wrong 

I was delighted to only have put on two kilos 

As I was convinced that I had gained more 

And anyway 

I could do with a couple of kilos 

So it's all good 

So 

Today is day 1 again

I can learn from my mistakes yesterday

And use that going forward

I am excited to be purge free

I know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour 

I've been purbing every single day since I was 19

Even in treatment I couldn't stop

Couldn't even get one day

It was just another part of my day

Eat 

Purge

Eat 

Purge

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom 

For the longest time

I didn't believe that I could stop

I was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life forever

But now 

Now I believe that I can stop

That it is possible to have a life post ED

I have given up harder things in the past 

So why not purging too?

And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging 

Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating 

I had more energy 

Wasn't so pale and wan looking 

My hair and nails and skin improved 

And I generally felt better about myself 

So 

Today is a fresh start

I know to avoid very filling foods at the moment

Such as pasta

Rice 

Potatoes 

For now 

Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them again

And eat a varied diet 

It's such a relief though

Not to be piling on the weight

Purging kept my weight low  

And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating 

And working the way it should 

Two kilos is not much 

And that's clothes 

Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or so

I am happy to maintain my weight at this 

A BMI of just over 18

I can live with that 

In fact I can live with anything up to 20

But 

As ever 

It's not the number that is important 

Or how I look 

What I weigh

The important thing is to be healthy and happy 

And I feel something approaching these two things 

And that my friends

Is a minor freakin' miracle

I really wanted to share this with you today

Because I want you to know that recovery is possible 

That there is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is recovery there for you and me

It's right in front of us 

We just need to reach out and grab

There is the danger of falling 

But that's ok

We can get up 

Dust ourselves off 

And continue on

Fall down seven times 

Get back up eight 

I am a firm believer in that 

So today 

Please 

Know that there is hope 

There is a life for you 

A life that is ED free 

Addiction free 

Self harm free

Believe me when I say that together we can beat our demons 

Together we can build a better life

We can recover 

We can reach our hopes and dreams 

It is possible 

I promise you that 

So today 

I urge you to step outside your comfort zone 

Push the boundaries 

Take a risk 

A risk in life 

You won't regret it

You won't be sorry 

We will get there 

I just know we will

Are you with me???

Wednesday

I was up early this morning 

To get things ready before I went horse riding

Those things being walking and feeding the dogs

As we were gone about three hours

I generally try not to leave them on their own for too long

3-4 hours is a long time for a dog

But once in a while it is ok

We were all heading in to town this morning 

My Mum was going to get book club

And myself and my sister heading a further half hour away to the stables

We left at about 10 30am

Stopped at the bank to get money 

Dropped Mum in town 

And continued on until we reached the stables 

Today I was on Star again

The teacher tells me that Star is the best horse to learn on

We did a lot of trotting today

And holy shit!

My ass kills!

I need to get some padding on there ASAP

But as ever 

It was so enjoyable 

The teacher asked me if I was free over Easter 

And if I would like to help with the camps she'll be doing with kids on their half term break

I was so excited to be asked

And said I would definitely love to do it 

So that is another thing to look forward to

Here are some photos from today....

Struggling

I'm almost a week purge free

And that is great

Nothing short of a small miracle

But I have to be honest

It's not easy

Not one little bit

I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks

I have one slice of toast in the morning

Maybe soup for lunch

And whatever is going for dinner

Usually 

I would eat a big portion

As it wouldn't be staying down 

So it didn't matter how much I ate

But now 

I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions

And I must admit 

I have been avoiding carbs

As hey make me feel way too full

I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 

And now any amount of food is uncomfortable

I feel like I am eating 

But the food isn't going any where

It's just sitting in my gut 

Take yesterday for example 

We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner

I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 

No chips 

As I knew they would fill me up completely 

Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 

The whole evening long I felt so full

So bloated 

And so uncomfortable 

This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 

Because I couldn't handle the full feeling

And now I am feeling full all day

It's doing my head in!

Last night 

I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 

My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon

And use a hot water bottle 

The lemon drink did help

The discomfort subsided 

And it felt like the food was moving along

I went to bed early 

As I was wiped out

I woke up in the middle of the night 

And had the worlds longest wee

Then another one early morning

And another one when I got up

So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 

And the lemon drink helped my digestion

I knew this would happen 

I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day

And I know it will settle down 

When my body gets used to having food inside it 

I just need to be patient 

And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 

I am almost one third of the way there 

I have had horrendous cravings to purge 

To get the food out of my stomach 

To feel empty

But I am determined not to purge 

I have very valid reasons too

I want to keep my teeth in good shape 

I don't want to get an infection in my lip

I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 

And for my general health and 

Well being 

Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia

It's just not worth it 

And as for my weight

I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too

I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 

I feel like I am full of air

Like if you stuck a pin in me

I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 

I can't take much more......

Doctor

I know I say it every Monday morning

But the weeks are just whizzing by

A bit too fast for my liking 

But as they say

Time waits for no man

Or something to that effect

Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 

We got my mum a candle and a mug

As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl

We had dinner in the house 

Then watched a movie

I hate Sunday's 

But as they go

It was a nice one 

Then up this morning for my appointment at nine

My sister was with me

As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor

I went to check in 

The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 

So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list

I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 

As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him

But 

That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away

I followed her to her room

And took a seat

The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 

That I look more relaxed

And asked me how I was doing 

I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago

I filled her in about the horses 

The job I will start in May 

And going back to meetings 

She asked me how my food was going

I told her it was a lot better 

And haven't purged in a few days

Today is actually day 5

I miscounted yesterday 

The doctor filled out my script

And I went on my way 

My sister also had an appointment with her this morning

Straight after me 

So I headed up to the pharmacy 

The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave

I welcomed her back 

And tried to make conversation

But she was so cold

Answering in me word answers 

Anyway 

I got my meds 

And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 

My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week

I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 

For each of them 

It gAve a misreading

My clothes also don't feel any tighter 

And I don't think I look any different

So I'm thinking my scale is wrong

I mean 

Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?

I'm not so sure 

But 

To be honest 

I don't mind gaining a little weight

I have a few pounds to play around with 

And anyway 

I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 

RAther than be underweight and miserable 

I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 

I used to

I used to like stick arms and legs 

A huge head on a tiny body

Big hollow eyes 

Sunken cheekbones 

Sharp collar bones and hip bones 

Looking like death warmed up 

I now prefer the curvy look

A bit of shape 

With soft curves and a healthy glow

I like when I gave a bit of weight on 

My boobs Are bigger

My thighs have shape

And my bum fills my jeans 

There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 

A healthy and happy woman

Being severely underweight

Is wearing your pain on your body

Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 

So we use our bodies to do it

No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 

I guaruntee you that

But I do wish that my weight would settle 

It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 

If it stayed in or around a healthy weight

Then at least I could get used to my body 

The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight

My goal weight in treatment was 54kg

Which just about puts me in the healthy range 

I'm a bit off that yet

To be honest 

I would be perfectly happy with that weight

And I think it's when I look my best 

My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 

And I'm not as comfortable at that weight

And I don't think it suits me

But in reality 

Weight does not matter 

The number does not matter 

As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 

Then I am doing ok 

I am ok 

Also 

I am loving my new piercing 

And the reaction it is getting 

I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 

And can't wIt to get another one done 

Where?

I'm not quite sure yet 

Maybe a few in my ear 

Or my belly button 

I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 

When I was on my twenties 

I was otherwise engaged 

What with a raging opiate addiction

And a life threatening ED

So effectively I missed my twenties 

And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do

It's fun 

It's exciting 

And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 

Happy Monday everyone

And see you on the next post....

Day 3

Today is my third day purge free

I know it doesn't sound like a lot

And millions of people around the world manage to go their whole lives without purging

But to me 

This is huge

I haven't gone a a whole day without purging in years

I shit you not

They say a million mile long journey starts with a single step

And often that first step is the most difficult

I knew that if I went ahead with this piercing 

Then purging was just out of the question

I looked after my nose ring very carefully 

And managed not to let it get infected 

I'm sure oral piercings are more likely to infect 

And I'm sure rinsing it in stomach acid and regurgitated food is not very good for it

So 

I've had to change my eating habits 

No binge food 

Which is a shame on one hand 

But a relief on the other 

My portions are smaller 

And to begin with

I am avoiding very filling foods like pasta and rice and potatoes

Hopefully i can introduce those foods at a later stage 

Today for example 

Is Mother's Day

So we are cooking at mums request

She opted for beef stir fry

So I will have a small portion of that 

I can't lie 

Over the last few days 

There have been times when I found myself heading to the bathroom

Out of pure habit

I've had to really be aware 

And physically stop myself from purging 

I miss the relief I get from purging 

The empty feeling 

I swear I feel full all day now

But I'm sure I'll get used to it

Anyway 

I'm loving my new piercing 

And loving people's reactions to it

I went to mass this morning with my Mum and my neighbour 

I got more than a couple of funny looks 

But that's ok

It's funny to me

Below are some close up photos 

So you can see it better 

In the first one the bar looks crooked 

But it's actually the way I'm holding my mouth 

Not the bar

What do you think???

Saturday

It's day one with my new piercing

I am carefully

Almost obsessively looking after it

I bought alcohol free mouth wash

To rinse my mouth twice a day

And also ear buds 

To clean it with salt and water

I am terrified of it getting infected 

So am being super duper careful

I've heard a couple of horror stories

About people who continued to purge after getting an oral piercing 

And went on to develop painful and unsightly infections

I am determined not to let that happen 

And haven't purged since Thursday

It's actually a really good motivator not to purge

So I have stopped bingeing 

And stopped eating anything that I usually purge

I am being careful and considered with my portions 

And stopping eating before I get uncomfortably full

Eating little and often 

And distracting myself after eating 

I'm glad I got the piercing done 

And am going to use it as a symbol

Of my stopping purging

I don't usually count my clean and sober time 

But having seen the benefits of counting my smoke free time 

Marking the first week

First month

First year 

I have started to count my clean time

Since Valentine's Day

It's good because the longer time you get 

The more you don't want to go back

So now I'm going count my purge free time 

Starting 3rd of March

The day before yesterday

Like a lot of things in my life 

Once I wrap my head around something 

I generally can do it 

I did it with cigarettes 

Drugs 

Alcohol

So why not purging?

It's just out of the question at the moment 

And that is a minor revelation

Reactions to my piercing have been varied 

My Mum is horrified

My nephew barely acknowledged it

I've had a couple of double takes from strangers this morning

I live in a small rural area

And there are not many tattoos or piercings to be seen generally

So yes 

I have the only pierced lip in the village 

Lorraine 

The girl who pierced me was great

When I got my nose pierced 

The girl who did was just a little bit unhinged 

She spoke at a rapid rate

And told my sister and I some pretty personal stuff 

How ever 

She did a good job 

And that's the main thing

Lorraine was very professional

Answered all my questions 

I watched her prepare her tools 

She was very careful

And it seemed like she was very used to doing this 

Well I would hope so

It is her job after all

My sister and I chatted to her for a few minutes 

She said that piercings follow trends 

Just like any other item of fashion

She told us that intimate piercings are popular at the moment 

That she had done two the previous day

I had to ask her what exactly gets pierced down there 

'The hood' she replied matter of factly

Ahem 

That is going just a little bit too far for me

I draw the line at a nipple 

Once you get one done though 

It kind of makes you want more 

I can see how that would be the same with tattoos too

I would love to get my tongue done 

And my belly button 

And a few in my ear

I've wanted to get some piercings done ever since I was a teenager

But 

Life intervened 

And I never got around to it

So now 

At the grand ol' age of 34

I am reliving my lost youth

Better late than never I guess

And the pain 

I was pretty much prepared for the pain 

Having had my nose done last year 

I figured my lip would be much more painful and bloody 

I sat on my hands so I wouldn't be able to pull her hands off me

Like I did last time 

I can't lie 

It was bloody sore 

And I did bleed 

And I did swell up

It looked liked I had been punched in the face 

I was actually shaking when it was over 

She asked me if I wanted to lie down for a few minutes

But I said I was ok

All in all 

I really enjoyed getting it done 

And grateful that my sister was with me 

It's exciting and fun to play around with my appearance 

Experimenting I guess

Again 

It's doing things that most people do in their teens and early twenties  

But 

I'm enjoying it 

So why bloody not!

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

What piercings do you have ?

How painful did you find it?

Are there any other ones you'd like to get?

Inquiring minds want to know....