The Itch

We have a family friend who I will call P
We've known him since we moved here 9 years ago
Because it is just me and Mum in the house, we have no man here to do man type things
Like DIY and things like that
So we found P
He's here at least one or two days a week doing something or other
And often he calls in just for a cuppa
P was painting the inside of our house this week so I spent a bit of time with him
Making him  tea and sandwiches
He has seen my ups and downs all through the years

This morning me and Mum were walking the beach and we were talking about P
Mum said that he made a comment to her that I am in very good form
And it is great to see me like that
I remember when I was drinking
P used to be here working in the garden
I would arrive back from the shops with my bottle of vodka and bag full of meds
He would try and get me to help him
Or just talk to him
Anything so I wouldn't be drinking
I never took him up on his offer
I had vodka to drink
And pills to take

Mum reminded me this morning that once P came in to the house and found me passed out on the floor
He stayed with me until I came to
And then brought me for a spin in his van
I don't remember this
But I do have a vague memory of going for tea with him somewhere
Mum said that P didn't tell her about this incident until years later
And that he was very worried about me

My mother also reminded me that she came home many times to find me on the floor
I was taking a lethal combination of alcohol and tablets
I remember every time I bought a bottle of vodka, I would swear it was my last time
Classic alcoholic talk
I couldn't stop
I didn't want to stop
I craved oblivion
I wanted to sleep forever
Because I was drinking I wasn't eating
I was surviving on a diet of booze and pills

I don't remember a lot about that time
Obviously because I was out of my head
I had to ask my mother how this all stopped
She reminded me that I went in to treatment for my ED for the first time
I remember we travelled to Dublin the night before
We stayed in a hotel and I got drunk
I was admitted to hospital the next day
But then I went in to alcohol withdrawal so they promptly kicked me out of treatment
It was an awful time

I can't really remember what happened next
I think I went to a different treatment centre
I managed to stop drinking
But that was only because I was on enough medication to numb me effectively

That seems like a life time ago
So much has happened since then
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
I can look back now and thank my lucky stars that I survived
That I am still here
Alive and kicking
Now that I am in a better place
I can truly see what a dark and horrible time that was
When you are that low you don't realise how bad things are
You don't see the darkness until you have experienced the light
I guess that makes sense

I've been so blessed over the years to have had some amazingly caring people in my life
A lot of them have come and gone
But they have all been there exactly when I needed them
When P found me that day he looked after me
He could have robbed the house
Taken advantage of me
But he didn't
Some people would call them angels sent in to our lives
Some people would call them good samaritans
Who ever they are
They are good and honest people

Addiction is such a horrible place to be
All you want is to be alone with your drink or your drug
Nothing and no one else matters
Not your mother
Your father
Your sister or brother
Even your children
The drug always comes first
Eating disorders are so similar to addiction
I guess they are a form of addiction

I've written this analogy before to describe addiction but I will write it again

Imagine you have an itch
It's the itchiest itch you could ever imagine
It's all you can think about
You are completely consumed by it
You just have to scratch it
You can't help yourself
Now imagine that instead of finger nails you have razor blades
Every time you scratch you tear in to your flesh
Your skin is in ribbons
But you can't stop
That itch is just too powerful
Your family try to get you to stop
They beg you to stop
But you can't
You just can't
You know that if you keep scratching that you will die
You don't care
All you want is the relief from that itch

This is what addiction is like
That itch could be emotional pain
You're in so much pain that you uses anything and everything to numb that pain
Most people will hit a rock bottom of some sort
I had many rock bottoms
Then it boils down to  choice
Do you want to keep going and kill yourself and break your families heart?
Or do you want to have a shot of having a life?
You would think that the answer is simple
But addiction is so cunning and powerful that it will try everything to lure you back in
Just like anorexia or bulimia

In AA they say that the people in the rooms are hand picked
I love that thought
That every one of us is there for a reason
That we matter
We have a purpose
I'm not sure of my purpose yet
Do you have any ideas?

New clothes

I saw Mary today
It was so good to be able to give her  positive report of my week
I've been seeing Mary for almost 3 years
And for most of that time I have been really struggling
Losing weight
Purging endlessly
Isolating myself
Abusing my meds
Feeling anxious and depressed
Not wanting to live
There have been so many tears
So many emotional breakdowns in that room
Family meetings
Euphoric highs
Crippling lows
Mary has seen me at my very worst
And the great thing is that now she gets to see me feeling a lot better
It came just at the right time as she is leaving after the summer
The funding for her job has been cut
Like so many other things in this country at the moment
She starts her new job as a suicide crisis nurse September 1st

She said that there will be no one appointed to deal with eating disorders
But that I will be seen by someone if I need to
I have seen so  many counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary was by far the best
She will be sorely missed
By me and all the people she sees
I am glad though that I am in a better place
At least that is something

As I wrote yesterday I bought some new clothes
I am really quite pleased with them
They are going some way to helping me feel better about my new body

Here they are...........

Nighty night

My friend and I went in to town yesterday to do a spot of clothes shopping before our mindfulness course
I am not great at shopping at the best of times
I'm a quick shopper
I get in
Get what I want
And get the hell out of there

I wasn't planning on buying anything
In fact I wasn't looking forward to shopping at all
Hot, sweaty shops
Fighting to get your size
Tiny little changing rooms
With unforgiving lighting
No thank you very much

We headed to River Island first
To my surprise I quickly found a few items that I wanted to try on
I wasn't sure what size I am so I took  sizes 6, 8 and 10 with me
After trying on many clothes I came to the conclusion that I am some where between a 6 and an 8
I haven't been clothes shopping in a quite a while
When I am regaining weight it's not something that is on the top of my list to do

But I did it
I tried on clothes
I didn't cry when I saw my reflection
I noticed my shape
I am quite curvy now
Pointy bones and sharp edges have given way to a more womanly figure
And you know what?
I don't hate it
I don't feel particularly bad about it
In fact I felt ok
Not fantastic
But ok
And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I don't know what has changed
I don't even know when the change occurred
Some time around the time that I started the Prozac I think
I just don't feel the hatred I used to feel for my body any more
Do you know how much that means to me?
More than I can put  in to words

I will post photos tomorrow of said new clothes
I am just very tired now
Nighty night

Change

Even though I threw my scale in to the lake
There is still a scales in the house
I brought it in to my room a couple of days ago
Since then I have been daring myself to stand on it
The argument in my head went something like this

Anorexia: Why don't you weigh yourself, you know you want to

Me: No, it will only wreck my head

Anorexia: Go on, just once, I promise I won't get mad so long as you are under Xkg

Me: I'm not falling for that trick, I know that no matter what I weigh, you will be mad

Anorexia: You and I both know that you have gained weight, wouldn't you like to lose just a little bit?

Me: A little bit?

Anorexia: Yea, just a few pounds, you will feel so much better about yourself. Summer is here and you want to feel good in your body don't you?

Me: Of course I  want to look good but I know if I lose a bit, I will want to lose more

Anorexia: No I promise you, just a few pounds

Me: The last time I lost a few pounds, I ended up in hospital

Anorexia: That was your own fault, you were careless, you let people know that you were struggling
Don't you want to be thin and delicate and fragile

Me: Not if it means that along with the weight I lose my mind and almost my life

Anorexia: Let's just see what you weigh before you decide

Me: Ok just this once.........

I was changing my clothes and the scales was there
Mocking me
Daring me to stand on it
I wanted to but I didn't want to
I wanted to know that number but I didn't want to know
I knew that if it was over a certain weight, I would freak the fuck out

My heart was racing as it does everytime I go to weigh myself
My anxiety was through the roof
I knew that if I stood on the scale, my good mood could change in an instant
But curiosity got the better of me
I tapped the platform and the little red zero popped up
When it settled I carefully stepped on
Holding my breath as if that would effect the number
The numbers climbed and climbed and I was starting to think that this was not a good idea
Eventually the numbers stopped
The number was the exact same as it was the last time Mary weighed me 8 days ago

I had mixed feeling about this
I was glad that I hadn't gained any weight
But I was also slightly disappointed that I hadn't lost any
I haven't been trying to lose weight
But these is still that anorectic part of my brain that wanted to see a lower number

Technically I am still underweight
But I really don't feel it anymore
I feel, well, normal I guess

Although gaining weight is not in any way fun
There have been some benefits
I feel better in myself
I no longer get dizzy when I stand up
I feel stronger
More able
Up until a couple of months ago I felt weak and lethargic
I remember being in a shop one day I had this feeling like I was going to pass out
My car was just outside but I remember thinking that I am never going to make it to my car
It was scary

Another change that has come with weight gain is that I have got my period back
It had been absent for 10 years
All through my twenties
Through my addiction and my ED
I never had a period
And now it's back
It's a strange feeling
It's like I got my first period all over again
I guess it's a good thing as it means that my body is working the way it should
And it's a sure sign that my health is improving
But it's still hard
It means that I am moving further away from my ED
I'm not sure why but that makes me a bit sad

There is a lot of change going on in my life right now
And most of it is positive
But change is hard
It's new and unfamiliar and scary
And a huge part of me wants to run straight in to the arms of my ED
I will keep going though
I will keep fighting for a better life
What is the alternative?

R.S.V.P

An old school friend texted my mother the other day looking for our address
I figured I knew why she wanted it
Then it arrived today
A thick cream envelope with my name neatly printed in careful silver writing
I knew what it was before I opened it
A wedding invitation

I am of the age now where my friends are starting to get married
I am of the age where people usually settle down and have children
I am of this age but my life is far removed from that
So far removed that I can't possibly imagine it happening to me

I was bestfriends with this girl when I was about 14
We lived in the same housing estate
Her in one of the big expensive houses at the front
And me in one of the more modest houses at the back
We had so much fun together
And got in to shit loads of trouble together
We started sneaking out to nightclubs at age i4
We drank together
Took drugs together
All the rites of passage that a teenager goes through

When she was 14 she went through a really tough
I won't go in to it here just in case
Suffice to say, it was something that no 14 year old should have to deal with
I remember the rumours that went around the school
I remember defending her honour
And getting in to fights trying to protect her
I remember writing her a letter at that time
Trying to help in any way that I could
Trying to make her smile again
She was strong
She got through it
And grew up to be a beautiful girl

After school we drifted apart
She went to college
I got addicted to heroin
Our lives never really crossed paths
But I did see her from time to time
She always sends me a birthday message
I inevitably forget hers
In fairness she tried to stay in contact more than I did
I was living in a different world
Where she was dating and studying
I was living in the murky underworld that is drug addiction

Mum ran in to her on a train when I was in hospital last year
She asked for my number and she did text me
I can't remember if I  texted her back

It's strange
 We grew up minutes apart
Went to the same school
We inseparable
But our lives turned out so differently
I still carry a certain amount  of shame for the way my life turned out
This girl now lives in a very fashionable part of Dublin with her wealthy boyfriend
I live with my Mum
I could let this get to me
I could feel like the lesser person
I could feel inadequate
But I won't
Yes, our lives are ions apart
But I firmly believe that everything happens for  reason
I do believe that my life has a purpose
A meaning
Maybe that meaning isn't all together clear yet
But I have no doubt that that meaning will become clear
In time

Will I go to this wedding?
My knee jerk reaction is no
But when I think about it, it would be lovely to go
It would be so nice to see her again
And all my school friends
But do I have the courage to go?
The honest answer is that I don't know
I will think about it
I will see how I am closer to the time

It's not that I want to get married
I don't know if I do
I don't know if I want to have children
But it would be nice to have the option
It would be nice to think that it is possible
I always knew that my life wouldn't be normal
I always knew that I would take a different path
I didn't foresee drug addiction and anorexia
But that's the way it turned out
And I am ok with that

I went to a meeting yesterday
It was amazing
It was all women
There was so much strength
Such brutal honesty
I even spoke myself
I listened to the other women speaking
They seemed to have such peace of mind
I want that
I want what they have
I know what I have to do on order to get there
I need to be honest
I need to be honest with myself first
And others
I need to take my meds properly
I need to address my ED habits
My old sponsor was there
It was so lovely to see her
I think I will ring her

I don't know yet what I want out of life
I don't know what lies in store
But I know that I choose recovery and follow my progamme
That it will all fall in to place
All I have to do is not pick up that drink or drug
As long as I don't do that I know I will be ok
And I will be ok
I just have a feeling that everything will be ok

Ps Apologies for not replying to comments over the last couple of days
I will reply today

First video!

Here is my first ever video
JJ asked me if I could show some footage of Honey and Lea
So I though I would do a test shot
Honey is in the background
I think she stole the show!

Enjoy.......

Never give up

They say that there are 5 stages to when we want to make a change
Pre-contemplation
Contemplation
Preparation
Action
And maintenance



This is true of any change we decide we want to make
Big or small
Whether it's changing your car
Or recovering from an eating disorder

For the longest time I was stuck being the first two stages
I wanted to want recovery
I was thinking about it
But not doing very much

I think in the last couple of months I have moved on to preparation
I've made the decision
I've chosen to pursue recovery
And I have taken some action
But there is still so much more to do

Things have improved greatly recently
My mood has picked up to the point that I actually feel something approaching happiness
Or contentment at least
But  am aware that there is still so much to do
I have reduced the purging
But it is still there
On  a bad day I can still purge up to 5 times

I had been eating regular meals up until recently
Now I have slipped back and am not eating at the table or eaating regular meals
Then there is my meds
That is an on going problem
As you know I am on quite a lot of meds
Realistically I don't need to be on all of them
And there are some days when I misuse them

Technically I am clean and sober
I don't take the drug that I wa addicted to
But I rely so much on my meds
Even when I take them properly they still make me very drowsy
I'm ashamed to admit that I  enjoy that feeling
It reminds me of the feeling of heroin
That's not good

Every Monday morning I collect my meds
Then I go straight to a hotel bathroom to take them
This  morning it struck me that I used to do this when I was addicted to heroin
I used to travel to Dublin
Get my drugs
Then go to a public bathroom to use them
Is what I am doing now any different to that?

It's not that I am in geeat pain any more and I am trying to avoid it
I take the meds because I find reality hard to deal with
I find it boring and monotonous and tedious
A day is a long time and I like being able to zone out when ever I want
How ever I worry that I am so reliant on my meds
My methadone is being reduced at the moment
And because I am not taking it properly the detox may not work properly
I could be leaving myself open to going to in to withdrawal

I want to be clean and sober
I really do
But I also really enjoy the effect my meds have on me
The make me sleepy
Numb
Comfortably numb
I feel stuck in a kind of limbo
Somewhere between my addiction and recovery
It's not a nice place to be

I want to live
For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful and positive
But I have a tendency to self sabotage
When things are going well it is so unfamiliar that my instinct is to fuck up
I've done it my whole life

It's Monday today
And I don't usually make goals but today I feel I need to
First I want to take my meds properly
I'm not going to get well if I keep doing what I'm doing
I'm going to stay exactly where I am
Stuck
Second I want to get to three meetings this week
They are essential if I want to be drug free

I'm on a slippery slope
As I type this I can feel my meds taking effect
My body feels warm and relaxed
My eyes feel heavy
It's such a nice feeling
But is this what I want?
Is this how I want to live my life?

I can't have the life I want and misuse my meds
I can't help others if I can't help myself first

Thins are not perfect
Far from it fact
I'm still incredibly weight conscious
My ED still has a certain hold over me
But I will keep trying to do the next right thing
I will still try not to hurt myself or anyone else

I will continue to fight
I will continue to keep hoping and believing
I will never give up