Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today

As you know 

I had temporary crowns put in last summer 

And now it's time to get the permanent ones

My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me

He shook my hand vigorously

And told me that I was looking great

He looked at my teeth

At which point he started to get very excited

'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 

'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'

'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'

I had to laugh

He seemed so thrilled with the transformation

So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks

It will be a marathon to get the job done

But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home

My Mum and I got chatting

She was saying how strong I am

And how I have overcome so much

I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite

I considered telling her the truth

But what will that do

Other than worry her

If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too

I told her that he is moving

She seemed very relieved

And speaking of The Boy

He just texted me

I didn't text back

I can't

And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip

The trust is now gone

And my sister is keeping a close eye on me

It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved

And it's down to me to put things right

 

It was easy to think that I wasn't really using

After all

It was just a cup of innocent tea right?

Maybe to some people

But for me 

It has the power to send me spinning out of control

It has the power to cause me to relapse

To break my families heart

To cause utter chaos in my life

Because I am an addict

A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie

My brain works on the basis of all or nothing

There is no in between

No happy medium

No half measures

And I have to face up to this fact 

I can't use

I can't drink

Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces

And put them back together as best as I can

It's time to take stock

To reflect on the last few weeks

And to think about where I go from here

I lost a friend this week because of what happened 

And that saddens me greatly 

She wants nothing to do with me

And that feels so crappy

But 

I understand that I have frustrated people

And let people down

Heck I am sick of myself

And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake

I need s good dose of common sense

And a swift kick up the ass

Any volunteers?

No seriously 

I have to get back on track

I know exactly what that entails

I have been here many times before

The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 

I can't 

I won't let that happen

It's time to pull up my big girl pants

And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life

As the saying goes 

It's not about the size of the dog in the fight

It's about the size of the fight in the dog

And this dog has a huge fight on her hands 

Fighter

I've decided to fight

To fight for my life

For my sanity 

For my health

And my mental health

For my future

For my dogs

But most of all for my family

I might survive another relapse

But it would damn near kill my family

I truly believe that an addicts family get the brunt of addiction

At least the addict gets to zone out with drink/drugs

The family has to suffer through it all

So yes

I was sitting on my living room with my mother and my sister last night

And I thought to myself 

Where would I rather be?

Would I rather be out in The Boys house

Drinking cups of poppy tea

Passive weed smoking

Listening to them waffle on in a drug addled monologue about the meaning of life?

I suddenly thought to myself

I don't want that

I would much rather be here with my family watching Eastenders

And drinking good old fashioned Barry's tea

It's no exaggeration to say that The Boy has turned my world upside down

And my poor sister doesn't know what to do

It's up to me to put this right

And to earn get trust back

Not easy let me tell you

I just don't want my mother to know

If I can get through this without telling her then I will

But yes

I have no other option than to fight

If not for myself

Then for my family

They don't deserve this

God knows they have suffered enough

I'm doing this for them

Until I'm able to do it for myself 

Struggling

My sister knows 

She read my blog

Even though I asked her not to

She is not happy

And tells me if I see The Boy again

Or use again

She will call the police

And report me and him

I don't doubt that she will go this 

She means business 

He texted yesterday

Wanting to meet up

I decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymore

Against my better judgement 

I went to his house

Where I found myself sitting in a living room

With three dudes all skinning up

Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there 

And just knew I had made a huge mistake going there

I racked my brain for an excuse to get out of there

I was becoming very anxious and paranoid

And just wanted to get the hell out of there 

It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshit

It wasn't real

And do I really want to be part of this world?

The answer is no

A definite no

I couldn't have got out of there quick enough

And before you say it

I know it was a really stupid thing to go and see him

I know it was putting myself in danger 

But yet I still plough ahead in to self destruction 

I am realising that I can't use recreationally

I can't drink socially

I can't have just one

I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

It has to be all or nothing

So there I was 

Sitting in a fog of dope smoke

Listening to these guys talking

I couldn't even say anything

I just wanted to run out of there 

I took out my phone 

And pretended that I had just got a text

I said it was my nephews school

And they needed someone to pick him up as he was sick

I made my excuses and left

It was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from there

I don't know if they believed me

And I don't really care

All I know is that that is not a world I want to be part of

At least now I know that for sure

I arrived home

And my sister was on high alert

She wanted to know where I had been

And who I had seen

I told her the truth

There's no point in lying anymore

She is worried

But said she won't tell our mum

This time

I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The Boy

He has nothing to offer me

Other than a drug habit 

But I still feel drawn to him

And I hate that I am

But I know I can't see him anymore

If I want to stay clean and sober

If I don't want to worry my family

It sucks

I have too much to lose though 

As my sister said to me yesterday

I have worked too hard to get to this point

I don't want to throw it all away

And lose the trust I have built up with my family

Do I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?

The answer is no

I definitely don't 

NEDA

It's National Eating Didorders Awareness Week this week

An important date on the calendar for sufferers and their families

I know it has been in the media a lot this week in this country

My doctor from treatment has been on the tv and radio numerous times this talking about eating disorders 

I think it's so important to talk about EDs

As we all know

EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

That is a chilling statistic

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy

Sufferers don't want to talk about what they are doing

Because they are embarrassed 

Because they are afraid

And because they are ashamed 

I know in my case

It took me years to even admit to the fact that I had an ED

I couldn't face up to the reality that I had anorexia

As well as having an addiction

It was all too much

I remember feeling so scared and alone at that time

I knew nothing about EDs

I knew no one that had experience with them

And it was so confusing

As I had always loved my food

And now it was becoming my enemy

I didn't know where to turn

Or what to do

Telling my family was beyond difficult

But I soon found out that they had suspected I had food issues anyway

That's the thing about EDs

We think we are hiding them

And keeping them secret

But those that know us best 

Always know that something is up

I think it's so important to talk about EDs and mental health issues

Ten people kill themselves every week on this country

And eight of those are men

Some high profile people have spoken out about mental illness in this country

Which has started the conversation in homes

We are not very good at talking about our issues here in Ireland

We are experts at sweeping things under the carpet and burying our heads in the sand

My family used to be like that

Growing up our house was turbulent

There were issues that badly needed to be addressed 

But instead they were ignored

And they festered and stewed

Almost tearing my family apart

But now 

Years later

We are able to talk openly about out addictions and disorders

And we are closer than ever

My hope for this week

NEDA week

Is that people talk more about EDs

In my mind 

EDs are a way to take some control over our lives

Those with EDs are not happy well adjusted people 

We are suffering

Suffering from low self esteem

We have little or no confidence or belief in ourselves

We are lonely

And afraid

It's no exaggeration to say that hate ourselves

And so we try to take control ovet the one thing we can

Our weight

As we all know

Treating EDs is extremely difficult

You are dealing with someone who might not want to get well

And it's damn near impossible to treat someone who doesn't want the help

I have been in hospital and treatment many times

It was always me trying to maintain my illness

Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff

I saw them as the enemy

As them trying to take away the only thing that was keeping me going

For me

Inpatient treatment did not work

And it took me a while to figure that out

Being around other girls with chronic illness was so hard

And the docks all day was good and weight

I don't doubt that it works for some people

And you have to be so focused and determined to get well in that situation

I began to get well with the help of Mary

It took me a long time 

But eventually I mustered up the courage to address my demons

I found doing it from home suited me much better

I think that inpatient treatment really needs to be looked at

And more out patient treatment needs to be available

This week two years ago

There was an ED convention in my home town

Organised by Bodywhys and Mary

Two days before the convention

Mary rand myself and my mother

And asked us both to speak at the conference

I was terrified 

But I really wanted to do it

I wanted to be honest about what it is like to live day in, day out with an ED

I felt it was so important to let people know the reality of it

I wrote out my speech

And wrote as if no one was ever going to read it

The day of the conference

I was a bundle of nerves

I watched the room fill up

With doctors, psychiatrists, families and sufferers

I held my speech in my hands

Reading over it again and again

Soon it was my turn to speak

I don't remember much about reading it out

Only that it was over before I knew it

I got so much great feedback afterwards

Mary hugged me

And she had a tear in her eye

I hope my speech that day gave  people a better understanding of what it's like to live with an ED

Because often families and friends are at a loss as to what to do to help their loved one

And I think it's up to us

Those of us that are suffering or in recovery

To let others know how to help us

And to ask for that help

Because inspire of what we think 

We can not do this alone

Counselling appointment

So I had my first addiction counselling appointment yesterday afternoon

I wasn't expecting much

As I've had many such appointments over the years

And they never amount to much

Other than me sitting through them

And counting the minutes until the hour is up

But this was someone I've never seen before

A woman

Called Breda

I arrived for my appointment at 2pm

It was in the same place where I see my doctor

Who I ran in to in the hall

He's always very friendly

And says a big hello

I knocked on Breda's door

And she answered straight away

I followed her in

And sat down

I'd been referred from my doctor

So she knew very little about me

Other than I was on methadone and other meds

I explained a little about my history

Which is always a pain

But it has to be done

I also explained about my recent slip

I found her great

Really on the ball

She obviously has a lot of experience

She said that I have come a long way

And even though I have slipped

I have a lot of work done

She was very positive

And very encouraging

She asked me about my days

I told her that I don't have much structure 

Other than picking up my meds

And my dogs

She said it is important that I have a reason to get up in the morning

I couldn't agree more

She also mentioned Mary

And how she is back in get post as eating disorder specialist

She said she would contact her about seeing me again

I am super excited about that!

Breda is also referring me for holistic therapy

Like reflexology and reiki

As she thinks it can really help

I was delighted about this

And it will only cost me €5 per session

Which is amazing!

She also gave me a pros and cons list about my addiction

Encouraged me to stop thinking about meetings and to just go

She also recommended meditation and mindfulness

I came out of the appointment feeling really good 

She said that she doesn't new to see me every week

So I am seeing her again in two weeks

In the mean time I have a lot of work to do 

Breda was great

I had lost faith in addiction counsellors as the last couple I've had were really brutal

It was soul destroying sitting through a whole hour with them

So Breda was a breath of fresh air

I feel a bit more clear now

Of what I need to do to get back on track

And I feel I can do it

If I can just stay away from Thr Boy

Which is harder than you might think

So today is a new day

A day where I don't use 

I don't misuse my meds

I don't text The Boy

Or reply to his texts

I walk my dogs

I eat as well as I can

And i do everything I can to help myself

I am blessed to have amazing support

Even Breda said that I am in a very fortunate position 

I drive

I have my own car

My family are nothing but supportive

I have a safe place to live

I want for nothing

This a great chance for me to get back on track

And I will grab it with both hands 

I believe that there is a life for me beyond my addiction and my ED

There is a course I can do

A job I can succeed in

A boy that is right for me

All this is just there waiting for me

I just need to reach out and find it

My destiny is not to be drug addled and destitute 

Or to die at the hands of my ED

I know there is a better life that I'm meant to lead

A better road that I am meant to take

I don't know what that is yet

But I am sure that if I stay on track

It will all become clear

I just have to do the next right thing

And I will

Or at least I will try my level best

What is the alternative.........?

Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor

What a relief it is to have finally told him

The nerves about this appointment started last week

When I realised I needed help

Last night full blown anxiety kicked in

I was dreading telling my doctor

Not because I was worried about what he would say

I mean what can he say?

But because I hate to disappoint people

Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED

I hate to let someone down

Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years

So needless to say

I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning

My appointment was at 9 20am

So I had some time to kill

So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things

I haven't told my mother or sister yet

So I've really had no one to talk to

Apart from you lovely ladies

But still

I hate keeping this from them

And I think they know something is up

As I've been going out a lot

And have been very distant 

I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using

They usually can tell straight away

But then I am being very devious and sneaky

And maybe they do suspect 

I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car

And my mother and I set off for the doctor

She brought them down to the beach

While I went to the surgery

I had to wait for about 20 minutes

I'm sure the worry was written on my face

I was agitated and fidgety 

At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it

Then I heard my name called

And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room

And sat in my usual seat

He tapped away on his computer for a moment

Before asking me how I was

I took a deep breath

And told him things were not good

And that I had some bad news 

'I've been using' I blurted out

He looked really surprised

Shocked even

'What happened?' He asked

I told him about The Boy

Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 

It was all new and my stupidity

He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 

I told him neither

And explained about the poppy tea

He sat back in his chair

And looked really disappointed 

He asked me some more about the boy

And what I planned to do now

I told him that The Boy is moving

So at least temptation will be further away

At this point he took out a drug test

And asked me for a urine sample

I went off to the bathroom

And peed on to the little cup

It was then that I suddenly thought

What if this is clean?

What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?

And it wasn't poppy tea all

I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room

He was still tapping on his computer

After a couple of minutes he checked the sample

'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked

I said I hadn't

But I had been in a room where it was being smoked

Anyway

The sample was positive for opiates and hash

My heart sank a bit

Now it all seems so real

Before I told anyone 

I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad

And that there was nothing really to worry about

But seeing how serious my doctor took me today

I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script

I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone

He gave me a point blank no

But after I expressed concern about withdrawal

He agreed to increase it by 4 mls

I was glad

And I am also back on daily dispensing

As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor

I could easily have got away with not telling him

As he rarely drug tests me

But I know it was the right thing to do

And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support

And I feel a bit better about the whole situation

I am reluctant to tell my family

And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them

I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold

And if I feel I need to tell them

I will

My weight is suffering through all of this

And I've lost a few pounds

But I guess that was to be expected

And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So

My plan for the week?

I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today

I am collecting my meds daily

I will avoid The Boy at all costs

Which is going to be hard

But has to be done

I'm going to go back swimming

As I know it is good for me

And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 

All this feels manageable 

And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs

I have no resistance 

No capacity to say no

And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls

You know who you are

For your comments, texts and emails

For your honesty

Your kind words

Your concern

And your love

It means more to me than you will ever know

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break

And I did 

I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me

As you know I write everyday

And if I don't

Then there is something most definitely up

But my head feels clear today

So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy

The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend

I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month

The first time I met him in a coffee shop

The next couple of times 

I called to his house 

The first time I met him

He seemed really together

He was just finishing up a course

And was starting work

I got no bad vibes off him

I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him

All was good

Or so I thought

The next week

He picked me up and we went out to his house

Straight away I felt uneasy

As I got the smell of weed

Now I have a bit of a problem with weed

In that I don't like it

And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid

Anyway

As TheBoy made tea

He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea

I had no idea what a poppy tea was

He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant

Poppy plants which he grows himself

He showed me the pods

And I was intrigued

He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin

And did I want to try some

Here is the part where I messed up

I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me

I haven't got the power to say no

So I said yes

And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light

It was like a constantly soft feeling

Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting

God forgive me I loved the feeling

I went home that night

Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family

But I kept nodding off

And falling asleep

He gave me some to bring home

And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep

In and out of reality

I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 

Is that no matter how fast or hard you run

Reality is always just around the corner

It's a game of cat and mouse

And I'm always playing catch up

I've wondered about this a lot recently

Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality

Even before this slip

I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy

So what is it?

What is it that I am running from?

Myself?

My own head?

Reality?

What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?

Is my world and reality so awful?

I mean

I have everything I could possibly need

A caring and loving family

Who want nothing but the best for me

I have good support from my doctor and other professionals

I have two dogs who are the light of my life

I have a small circle of close friends

I have my health for the most part

I have no major bills to worry about

Yes

My world is fairly safe and comfortable

So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality

I like to feel out of it 

And out of my own thoughts 

Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me

But the thing is

I can't have all the things I just mentioned

And a drug habit

I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture

I lose my family

My friends

I'm not present for my dogs

I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy

And he challenges that belief

I look at him

And I see that he works

He functions

And all while using drugs

I started to think that maybe I could have it all

Maybe I could function with drugs in my life

Maybe I could find that balance

But in my heart

I know that is utter horse shit

I've proved that over the last few weeks

And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too

Back when I had to collect my meds every day

I was doing better

As it was taken out of my hands

But now I am back to getting them twice weekly

And I am all over the place again

So

First things first

I need to talk to my doctor

And I want to make it clear

This was my choice

No one made me drink the tea

That was all me

It was all me

And my silly choices

I need to tell him

And be honest 

And just see what he says

I don't know

I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 

It's been a constant tug of war

And in the last few weeks

Drugs have been winning

I need to get back on track

Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it

And surrender to my need for escape

I know that is not the answer 

The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be

Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality

My life

My family

Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be

For them

Like I am holding on

For them

Keeping it together

For them

And when you feel like you are holding it together for others

You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself

Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system

Get out of my head one last time

But I quickly realise that is not the answer

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision

One way or the other

As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 

I don't need to tell you

That writing this post was more than difficult 

But I feel it is important to be honest

I haven't told my family yet

But I know I will have to eventually

In the mean time

It's a chance for me to take stock

And re-evaluate where I am

And where I am going

Because right now

I haven't an earthly clue