Doctor and counsellor

Monday morning again

The weeks are just flying by

I wasn't looking forward to seeing my doctor and counsellor this morning

And having to let yet more people down

My doctor was some what surprised when I told him

He took the time to talk to and to listen to me

But it's not his speciality 

His area is the methadone

And he at least didn't drop it this week

He asked me to do a drug test

But I couldn't pee

So we had to cancel that

It would have been positive anyway

Buy I know

If I keep giving dirty urines

I will be taken off the methadone

I really don't want that to happen

I left my doctor

And collected my meds

Then headed back down to the surgery to my appointment

It was really helpful to talk to her

We talked about my past

And where I have come from

We talked about what to need to do to help myself 

Namely cutting all contact with The Boy

Getting to meetings 

Going back to see Mary

And above all else

Not using

That is the most important thing 

My counsellor rhinos called Breda

Likened this part of recovery to trying to keep water from getting through a dam

I need to put up barriers and resistance so as not to let the water through

That makes sense to me

I left the appointment clear in my head what I need to do

My mother has told me that if I use again

She will kick me out of the house

I have no doubt that she will do this

As she has done it before 

And it was a nightmare 

I really don't want to go back to the place

I keep having to remind myself that I am an addict

I can't use or drink recreationally 

There are no half measures with me

It is all or nothing 

I have used quite a bit in the last month

Not every day

But enough to hurt everyone around me and to leave a trail of destruction in my wake

When drugs come in to the picture

Everything else goes out the window

Recovery

Love

Trust

Honesty

I hate that I have negatively effected so many people

It kills me

But then this visceral I signed up for when I picked up that drug

When you choose the behaviour

You choose the consequences

To quote Dr. Phil

Coming undone

I was going to write a long and detailed post about how I met The Boy yesterday

How I spent four hours with him

And used

I was going to write about how he gave me some to take home

How I lied to my family about where I was going

How when I got home I smuggled the drugs in to my room

I was going to tell you about the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open

And so my mother realised that I was using

There was no point in denying it

It was written all over my face

I was going to write about how we had a huge fight

How we all got really upset

How I could almost see my mothers heart breaking

How my mother and sister stood in my bedroom

And insisted that every trace of drug paraphernalia was removed

There was shouting

Anger

Many tears

It was awful

My mother made me swear on one of her books that I would never bring drugs in to this house again

My mother kept saying how disappointed she was

At one point I thought it was all a bad dream

And I would wake up soon and realise it was all just a nightmare

Unfortunately 

It really was happening

Now it's morning

And everyone is still reeling

And I am feeling unbelievably guilty

But this was bound to happen

I was asking for trouble seeing The Boy

And yet I continued to see him

Smart Ruby

Very smart 

I have to get my shit together 

If not for myself

For my family

This has gone too far now

People are getting hurt 

And I don't want this

My mother said that if I want to use

I can move in with The Boy

I don't want to do either

I need help though

I need to get through this

And stop

Before anymore damage is done 

I feel like I have let everyone down

Myself included

And the thing is

I walked in to this situation with my eyes open

I knew the ramifications 

But yet I plough on

Leaving a trail of destruction in my wake

I'm sorry 

I am truly sorry

But this stops now

It has to

It just has to

Recovery?

As you know 

For  the last 16 odd years

I've been bouncing between my addiction and my ED

When one was under control

The other spun way out of control

As my psychiatrist once said 

I have many 'chronic conditions'

Way to make me feel worse than I already did

So between the two issues

I have pretty much avoided reality for the past decade and a half

After some years with my ED in the driving seat

Things now seem to be changing

And my addiction seems to be in control

It feels closer

And more present than my ED

Don't get me wrong

My ED is still there

But it has vastly improved

My weight is stable

Or as stable as it can be

However the purging persists

I guess to most people purging 2-5 times a day is wildly out of control

But for me it's progress

So my ED seems to have taken a back seat

In a way it's a relief

But my lovely friend addiction has been waiting to take its place

There are many signs that my addiction has taken over

I'm misusing my meds

I've used quite a bit

Although not in the last two weeks

I'm lying to my family

I'm withdrawn

Disinterested

Irritable

Resentful

All those things that come part and package with addiction

I don't know which is worse

My ED or my addiction

Addiction is like a tornado

That suddenly bursts in to my life

And utter chaos ensues

It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times 

The level of upset and chaos is the same

I heard my mother say recently 

That if I went back taking drugs

It would kill her

I don't doubt her

It takes an extreme toll on families 

I think my family bore the brunt of my addiction

I was out of my head

But they lived through every second of it

Stone cold sober

But yes

Addiction rips the heart and soul out of families

We were lucky to make it out the other side

As for my ED

For me

It comes in two distinct parts

Anorexia

And bulimia

I suffer from both

Again switching from one to the other 

They are complete opposites

If anorexia is cold

And silent 

And aloof

Then her sister bulimia is loud

And brash

And in your face

Anorexia causes a silent devastation 

Like an invisible poison infecting the sufferer

And of course their family

The only evidence a bony body

And gaunt face 

Bulimia causes more of a racket

It's more obvious on some ways

Like the amount of food that goes missing 

And in other ways it's harder to see

As the sufferer often won't display external effects

And so no one would ever know

Unless you told them

And who wants to admit that they throw up every morsel of food

Not I

That's for sure

I know that a lot of people don't have time for addicts

And people often misunderstand EDs too

They think we are selfish and vain

And that our EDs are solely about food and weight

But it goes much much deeper than that

EDs are a reaction to life's hardships

A way of exerting control over the one thing we can

Food and weight

And weight becomes the focus 

But there are complex reasons as to why we do the things we do

I firmly believe that people are the way they are for a reason

I didn't just decide one day that I wanted to be eating disorderd

I didn't grow up thinking that I want to be anorexic

Developing my ED was a reaction to experiences that I had had through out my life

A coping mechanism

A way of dealing with feelings and emotions that I couldn't handle 

It's a lot more complex that just wanting to be thin

This post is a reaction to a comment I received on a post I did about the show Supersize versus Superskinny

It went something like this

' I watch this show for entertainment and to feel relief that I am not fat. I don't starve myself because of this show. Get a life'

This is exactly the ignorance I am taking about

This person obviously stumbled upon my blog

And probably only read one post

And judged me on that

Saying 'Get a life' to someone with an ED is like saying 'Pull yourself together' to someone with depression

Or 'Just get up and walk' to someone with two broken legs

It's not that simple

Or straight forward 

Eating something when you have anorexia is as scary as facing your worst fear

I know when I was in the height of my ED

I was so afraid that if I started eating

Then I wouldn't be able to stop

Spinning out of control was my worst fear

I remember when I was in drug treatment

I told one of the boys about my ED

He asked me if I did this to get attention

Again

Another ignorant reaction

This couldn't be further from the truth

The whole point of my ED was to try and disappear

Not gain more attention

I don't get annoyed any more at these reactions

I know it's because people aren't educated

But I think people shouldn't judge what they don't know

Don't make assumptions about me until you have walked a day in my vomit stained shoes

I think people are still afraid of mental illness

They're scared of what they don't understand 

I always like when people ask me questions about my ED or addiction

At least then I can set them straight

And tell them the reality of life for me

But I think a lot of the time

People are wary to broach the subject

And don't acknowledge it at all

But that's not healthy

If we want to tackle the massive problem of people suffering in silence and suicide

We need to let people know that it's ok to feel bad

And it's good to talk

It can save lives 

I am blessed to live in a family that talks very openly about our issues 

Most of a family of six

Four of us have addiction and mental health issues

So there's really no escaping it

Maybe some people would find it hard to understand

But I think it's really important to retain a sense of humour through all of this

My family have a dark sense of humour anyway

And we regularly laugh at ourselves and each other

Because these issues are so heavy

I think it's vital to be able to laugh at ourselves

My family often take the piss out of me with regard to food

They might say 'Who ate all the cake? Was it Ruby the raging bulimic?'

It takes the serious edge off a subject that can be so very dark and mysterious

Sometimes the only thing we can do is laugh

For me

My disorders have always been about getting out of my own head

Away from my own reality

My thoughts

My feelings

An escape

But the thing that I don't always understand is that my reality is not that bad

I have quite a nice life all things considered

I have a living family

I have my health

My animals

Friends 

I'm a fairly intelligent person

But yet

I crave oblivion

I crave checking out of life

And off the planet 

I used to not care whether I lived or died

I really wasn't bothered if I killed myself

But now

Now I want to live 

I've had a taste of what life could be like 

And that life is amazing

And wonderful

And beautiful

Yes it's scary

And confusing

But I would rather be here than not

And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

So if you are reading this today 

And you don't have an ED ot addiction

But you know someone who does

Don't judge

Don't condemn

Don't write them off as difficult 

Take a moment to empathise

Talk to them

Try to understand where they are coming from

Because they are the way they are for a reason

What a week......

Its been a tough week to say the least

I lost a friend 

And I'm still reeling

I'm not quite sure why it happened

But she chose to walk away 

And I guess that is her perogative

Still

It was quite the nasty break up

I think she said some things she didn't mean

I know I did

In the heat of the moment

We both came out bruised and battered

Nasty business

And I am left wondering if I am what this person said I am

A Fake

Uncaring

People pleaser

Then on Tuesday my neighbour died

I think I have mentioned my neighbours before
They are an elderly couple
She is a tough as old boots
Salt of the earth type
He was a proud Scot
Very shy
But with a heart of gold
Their story is heart breaking really
After his first wife died
The man remarried out neighbour
They met in AA
And both were recovering from their respective addictions

They married

And moved here some 20 years ago

They were always great neighbours

They would watch the house if we were away

Or mind my dogs from time to time

But more recently there has been some trouble in their house

They both began drinking again

And chaos ensued

Two years ago 

The wife became extremely unwell

And was hospitalised

We went to visit her

She didn't even know her own name

Let alone who we were

And that was caused by drink

We thought that she wouldn't pull through

Because she was so far gone

But she is a fighter

And she bounced back amazingly well 

I have no doubt that she was lucky to have survived

Then one morning

About six weeks ago

The wife asked me to pick up a prescription for her husband

And told me that he was ill

I did what she asked

And later on that day

We saw an ambulance leaving the house

We went over to see what had happened

And it turned out that the husband had had a stroke

He had in fact had the stroke three days prior

But his wife thought that he was drunk

And was slurring his words because he was drunk

So she didn't phone the doctor until a couple of days later

When the doctor arrived

He immediately called an ambulance

He was brought to the local hospital

Where he stayed for the next six weeks

The wife has no family around

And a lot of the mans family seemed to be estranged

So it was up to us 

Her family and friends

To support her

And help 

Jobs like getting her shopping

And bringing the dog for a walk

The husband left his wife with huge debts that he had acquired

Because he was drinking all his money

We got the news that he had died on Tursday night

We sat with his wife that night

And held her as she cried 

It was heart breaking

Even though he was an elderly man

It was still a shock

The removal was last night

And what an appropriate day

It was cold and dark

And we all huddled together trying to stay warm

And this morning was the funeral

A lovely simple service

They did him proud

This really hits home to me the destruction that addiction causes

It tips families apart

It breaks hearts

And causes no end of hurt and pain

If I needed a reminder not to go back down that road 

Then this is surely it

I'm finding that if I stay busy

It's easier not to think about using or The Boy

I need to put that relationship to rest

No good can come of it

There is someone out there for me

Who is good and kind

And most importantly who is stable

Anyway

A relationship is not my priority at the moment 

Getting well is

I know love will happen when I am ready

I know that I am not at the moment

Silver Linings

So

Finally

Thankfully 

I got to a meeting today at lunch time

As you know

I've been trying to get to a meeting for some time now

And recent events have shown me that I need support 

I need to be around others like me 

I need to have some sort of plan in place with regards to my addiction

I can't do this alone

And I am fed up and lonely trying to

I had told a few people that I was planning on going today

So I had some encouragement and support 

And my good friend has been amazing at helping me make sense of things

But just to mess with me

The Boy texted today

He has now moved

And wanted to bring me out to the new house

I had a bit of a battle going on inside my head

Will I meet The Boy?

Will I skip the meeting

I was so tempted to go meet him

But I hard a stern talk with myself

And decided to go to the meeting instead

I was so nervous all morning

That I felt physically sick

I really didn't want to go

And yet I knew I was going to go

I called to my neighbour as her husband died on Tuesday

More of which in another post

I just wanted to keep busy as I knew if I let myself

I would talk myself out of going

Finally it was lunch time 

My nerves were at me big time

And I drove as fast as my heart was beating

I arrived at the venue

There were a few cars outside

One of which I recognised as my friends

I locked my car and headed in

I walked down the short corridor

And when I reached the door of the room

I stood outside it 

For what felt like an eternity 

Having an argument about whether to go in or not

I could hear voices

And the familiar passage of The Big Book

I put my hand on the handle of the door

And walked in

The first thing that hit me was the darkness

All the lights were off

And six people say in a circle 

Around a portable heater

The first face I saw was my friends

She had a huge smile on her face

I recognised a couple of other faces too

I took a seat

And the meeting began

One by one

Everyone spoke 

I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak and just listen 

But hearing everyone else gave me the courage to speak

And I did

I was nervous

And I could hear the wobble in my voice

I was honest

Not felt good

I was glad I went

And then it was over

I spoke to a couple of people after

And my friend gave me a massive hug

Then something a bit strange happened

I was on my way to the bathroom

When one of the men started talking to me

At first he was nice 

And made a lot of sense

But then he started talking about how he is having trouble with his 'sexual conduct'

And porn

I was really taken aback at his candour

And more than that 

I felt really uncomfortable

It was totally inappropriate for him to speak to me like that

As he went in to quite a bit of detail

Which I won't repeat here

I really did not want to hear about this persons sex life

And I'm not quite sure why he thought it was ok to tell me this

Anyway

I know better than to judge AA on just one meeting

And I know that not everyone in the meetings is well

Or even sane

So I won't let this unfortunate incident sway my opinion

So now I am home

I'm sitting with my dogs at my feet

And a cup of tea in my hand

My head feels clear

Free from all the nonsense that had been plaguing me of late

I am so glad that I went

If this whole situation had a silver lining

Maybe it will be that my recovery becomes stronger

And I get back to meetings 

I feel like I have made the first step to getting back on track

I feel positive

Dare I say it 

Hopeful

That things can improve

That I can recover from my addiction

That there is life beyond addiction

And it is a rich and colourful life

Full of happiness that can't be found in a bottle or a pipe or a needle

And I do believe that there is someone out there for me

Not that that's a priority at the moment

It isn't

My priority at the moment is not to use

And once I get on top of that 

Well

Anything is possible

Clothes Post #14

I haven't  done a clothes post in a while

As I've been trying to be good

And not spend my money the minute I get it

But now that I have a bit of extra money thanks to me currently being a non smoker

It's hard not to spend it on other things

Namely clothes and shoes

I am getting better though

And my impulse buying isn't as bad as it once was

Anyway 

On with the show.......

Baby Steps

As you know

I was supposed to go to a meeting yesterday with my friend

However 

Heavy snow fall on Monday night/Tuesday morning meant that I couldn't go

I was really annoyed 

As I had planned on actually going this week

So tomorrow is the day now 

I will go to the lunch time AA meeting with my friend

I guess this friend is the closest thing I have to a best friend 

I've known her for a few years now

She also has addiction and ED issues

But she is very strong in her recovery

And she has always been there for me over the years

I spoke to her on the phone yesterday for quite a while

I told her all about the situation with The Boy

She could identify with boy drama

And she doesn't judge me at all

But she thinks I should stay away from him

She makes a lot of sense

So by hook or by crook

I will get to that meeting tomorrow

I feel pumped and motivated to get back on track

I have to

Not just for myself

But for my family and my dogs

And as for The Boy

Well

That relationship has to end

Everyone keeps telling me how there are other boys out there

I hope there is

I guess it's hard to believe that anyone would like me

When I don't like myself very much

But I know the right thing to do is to stop seeing The Boy

Before anyone else gets hurt

My appetite has been suffering through all of this

But on the bright side

I haven't been purging at all

And by that I mean I have been purging 1-2 times a day

That's about as good as it gets for me right now

My relationship with my weight and body image is very changable 

Some days I look in the mirror

And I can just about tolerate what I see

Some days I cry

And try on every item of clothing in my wardrobe

And lose the will to live with every change

Sometimes I look at myself and think that I look like something approaching ok and presentable

I would love to like my body more even just a little bit

But more often than not it is the enemy 

It is one to be feared

My  and I went on a little road trip today

I bought  two tops

And some gifts for my mum

Here they are........