A is for anxiety

Eek I've been averaging about a meeting a day for the last two weeks 

And boy had it made a difference

To my head

My mental health

My mood 

My peace of mind 

My self esteem

All of these things have improved so so much

Now I am wondering why I didn't go back to meetings sooner!

There have been many times over the last few years

When I have slowly driven by a meeting venue

Dying to go in

Yet it seemed so impossible

I just couldn't muster the courage to step in to that room

Thinking about it used to send me in to a frenzy of panic and anxiety

I really doubted that I would ever get back to meetings 

Like a lot of things with me

It was a mental thing

Once I wrapped my head around the fact that if I wanted to get well I had to go to meetings

Then it seemed a lot more doable

It felt possible

Manageable

It was the same when I gave up smoking

Once I made the decision in my head 

And decided to give up

That was half the battle

It just goes to show the power of the mind

And how much it can help or hinder us

I went to an NA meeting last night in town

I was on my own driving in

So I was feeling a bit anxious

I'm not too confident driving in town either

I'm so used to country roads

And back roads

So motor ways and main roads scare me some

Anyway

I made it to the meeting

I was a bit late 

So slipped in to the room

And took a seat

There was about 10 at the meeting

And for some reason I felt majorly anxious

My breathing was short and shallow 

As if I couldn't get enough oxygen in to my lungs

I was dreading having to speak

And at one point didn't think I'd be able to speak at all

But towards the end of the meeting

I found myself saying

My name is a Ruby

And I am an addict

I find speaking quite hard at the best of times

So talking in front of a room full of people can be quite the scary experience

And it's speaking about done very personal stuff

So there is the fear of what people will think of you

As I spoke

I could feel the words falling out of my mouth at a terrific speed 

I could feel one of my legs shaking nervously

As I twisted my other foot around and around 

I'm not entirely sure why I felt so anxious

Sometimes I speak at meetings

And I feel totally comfortable 

With no anxiety at all

But then other times

Anxiety hits me hard

And that makes everything so much harder

Looking back on my life

I can see that I began suffering with anxiety when I was a teenager

I can remember sitting in school

And feeling this overwhelming feeling of panic and fear

I didn't call it anxiety at the time

But now I can see that is what it was

I was bullied in high school too

By girls from another school

It wasn't anything too serious 

But it knocked my confidence

And fuelled my anxiety

I began to get wary around other people

Especially meeting new people

Or people who reminded me of the bullies

That experience has effected me to this day

And how I see myself and others

Since then

I have categorised people in to different sections 

Those I feel comfortable around

Those I fear

Those I can be myself around

And those I want to like me

I can usually make up my mind very quickly who belongs where 

I know this might sound a little strange 

But this the effect that bullying had on me

I deal with anxiety every single day 

In one form or another 

More often than not 

It's the anticipation of an event

That makes me more anxious than the event itself 

It's the run up to it

The thinking about it  

Over thinking it

Analysing 

And dissecting it

The event itself is usually fine

It's such hard work and feeling anxious

I find that I change my personality to suit whoever I am with

Not too much anymore 

But I used to do it a lot  

It is aWlways so refreshing being around someone who you can totally be yourself around

My sister is a good example of this 

She is one of the few people that knows me inside and out

I can be my crazy bat shit self around

And she doesn't bat an eyelid

But when I am out and about 

Anxiety can cripple me 

Not can stop me living my life to its full potential

I am on medication for anxiety 

But I do wonder how much it really helps

I was wondering about you 

Do you suffer from anxiety?

If yes

How do deal with it?

Unfollowed

I don't tend to worry about the number of followers I have

But I've noticed in the past week

I've been unfollowed three times 

And I am wondering why that is

I know that I've let certain people down over the last couple of months

I know people were disappointed when I relapsed

I've also been getting some nasty anonymous comments 

I don't know if the two are connected

And also the tone of my blog has changed recently

And is much more recovery orientated 

I know that's not as interesting to read about as the highs and lows of addiction or living with an ED

Maybe people don't want to read about my getting my life together 

And that's ok

I would rather have ten people read about my recovery

Than 100 people read about my relapse

I guess it hurts a little bit

It's like someone in real life telling you that they don't want to be friends any more

I know on the last couple of weeks 

I've been paying a lot more attention to my real life relationships 

And my real life

And less time to my blogging life

I try to blog everyday still

But I've had to invest time in my relationships with family and friends

As I had really neglected them

I was talking with my addiction counsellor Breda on Monday

We were talking about the topic of friendship

She was asking me about my friends

I told her that I have a few close friends

Not many

But the ones I have are real and honest and loyal

The rest are acquaintances 

Who I pass the time of day with

But no more than that

Know that I am back attending meetings

My social circle is expanding 

But I am pretty choosy about who I become friends with

I would much rather have a few good friends 

Rather than lots of people who are not true friends 

As you know 

I have two older sisters

And that is awesome 

As its like having two best friends who are always there no matter what

Apart from that

I guess Marie would be my best friend

Then I have my good friend from treatment

My ex sponsor

And a couple of others who I see regularly

I tend to be quite a shy person

Until I get to know you

Then I show you who I really am

But I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to other people

I always assume that people don't like me

I mean 

I don't like myself very much

So why would others like me?

Over the last couple of weeks

I've been meeting a lot of people at meetings

And people who I used to know

I've been welcomed back in to the rooms so warmly 

And that surprised me a little

I guess I thought that no one would have missed me

And not even noticed that I had left

But they did

And that is surprising to me

In the midst of my addiction and ED

I pulled away from all of my friends

So I am only really starting to see people again

And to want to see people

Not hide away from the world

As it turns out

I am quite a sociable person

I love to chat

And laugh

And really get on with someone

But sometimes fear and anxiety get the better of me

And I clam up

And can't talk at all

I hate when that happens

As I think people can think I am standoffish or cold 

It's not that at all 

It's that I am paralysed by fear

At the meeting yesterday 

I read a reading about people pleasing

The writer described how they used to 'turn themselves in to a pretzel' trying to please others

I could relate to this so much

I am a confirmed people pleaser

I want people to like me

So I do everything I can to make that happen

Even if it hurts me

Even if it doesn't suit me

Even if though it feels wrong

I put others needs before my own

It's not a nice way to live your life

They say in order to recover

You have to be a bit selfish

I now know what this means 

You know when you are on a plane

And they are doing the safety demo

They always say to put your own oxygen mask on

Before you put others on

I get this now

We are no use to anyone 

If we are not well ourselves

It makes perfect sense really

So I will go my best to do this

It will be a new and scary experience

But it's all part of my recovery

It's simple 

But it's not easy

I was wondering about you

Do you have many friends?

Do you believe that quality is better than quantity?

What do you think makes a good friend?

I'd love to know......

Anorexia in men

The weather was shocking last night

So instead of heading in to town to NA

I decided to head to one of the villages near me to AA

My sister was going too

So I called in to get on the way

And we both headed over

For some reason I get a lot more nervous at AA meetings 

Maybe because they tend to be a lot bigger

We arrived 

My sister made tea

And I took a seat in one of the comfortable arm chairs

We chatted for a few minutes 

And then the meeting started 

Just then someone came in

And took a seat across from me

I recognised the person

A guy 

But I couldn't tell where I knew him from

Or how

The first thing I noticed was that he was very slim

Then when he sat down

He took out a packet of sweets

And seemed very absorbed in them

As the meeting went on

I glanced over at him a couple of times 

I knew him from somewhere

I just couldn't figure out where

He was young 

Maybe younger than me

Dressed in jeans and trainers

One leg crossed over the other 

He really was very slim

I had my suspicions 

After the preamble was read out

The meeting began

This particular guy was the first to speak

When he introduced himself

I knew straight away who he was

He was a guy I used to know

A long time ago 

He went to NA at the same time I did

He looked the same 

Yet he looked a lot different 

The meeting went on

I spoke a little bit

It was over before I knew it

Afterwards we all had tea

And this guy came over to talk to me

He remembered me too

I told him that he looked different

He said henchman lost a lot of weight 

That he had been very sick

And they did lots of tests

But they couldn't find anything wrong with him

And that it was psychological

This sounded very familiar

As this is pretty much exactly how my story started out 

He continued to speak

He mention 

Weight 

Numbers 

Exercise

I could relate to everything 

He was speaking at a terrific rate

Words poured out of him like water

And I was finding it hard to keep up

Eventually I told him how much I could identify

I said I didn't know if it was the same thing

But I had anorexia/bulimia 

And it was every bit as serious as my addiction

He did not exactly say the words

'I have an eating disorder'

But he pretty much described the text book ED type

He talked about having four sets of scales

Running

Trying to get below certain weights

Typical behaviours of someone with an ED

He explained how it was very difficult to talk about it 

As men don't talk about that kind of thing

We went outside

He smoked and talked

I listened 

The words continued to fall out of his mouth

He is obviously  in a bad place

And doesn't have his addiction fully under control either

We drank our tea

And got ready to leave 

I took the guys number 

And he asked me to text him

I said I would

I think this is the first time I've ever spoken to a male with an ED

Maybe I have in the past unknowingly

But this guy is the first

I really felt for him

I guess this illness is mainly thought of as a female illness

Maybe this is why he's telling people that he's been ill

As it's easier than telling the truth 

He was on my mind all last night

I just kept thinking how much he had to deal with 

And how life is so cruel

And how could I help him

But I need to be careful when I start thinking like that

As I start thinking I can save the world

And get way ahead of myself

It's not my place to help this guy

I need to help myself first

I had to remind myself that I am in the same boat as this guy

I am the one that needs to accept the help right now

Not give it out

I guess last night was a reminder that men suffer from this illness too

Albeit it's a lot rarer in men 

But we musn't forget them

In other news 

I am doing good

My new teeth are amazing

And I am going around grinning like a Cheshire Cat

I am getting on average one meeting a day 

And it is doing me the power of good

To anyone that is struggling out there today

Hang on in there

Just keep hanging on

As my sponsor used to say to me

Don't quit five minutes before the miracle

New teeth!

As some of you may know

I started the process of getting new teeth last August

My teeth were in a sorry state 

Years of not looking after then

And methadone which really did a number on my teeth

Methadone is a sugary syrup that is swallowed

So every day for the last 10 years 

My teeth have been rinsed in it

My teeth themselves were rotting out of my head

I had to get so many removed

And so much work done on them

I finally decided to get them done last year

So the last rights months has been the process of improving my teeth

Temporary crowns were put in

And then today the permanent ones were put in

Below is a photo of said teeth

I don't have any before photos 

But trust me

They were atrocious 

Her story

I was listening to the radio this morning

As I walked my dogs

I love listening to phone in and chat shows

There's something comforting about listening to others speak 

And not having to contribute

I usually listen to the same show every day

It's a phone in show, with all sorts of topics and guests

I can't walk without listening to something

Because I don't want to listen to my own head

This morning a girl called Ciara was interviewed 

The chat started out in a general way

And I wasn't sure about where it was going

Ciara spoke about when she was a child

And how she compared herself to others

And how she felt ugly

She was bullied as a child

And this confirmed all the negative beliefs she had about herself

I think I knew where this was heading

As it sounded very much like my own story 

As a teenager Ciara developed anorexia

She stopped eating

Or purged anything she did eat

And started exercising

Her family got her in to therapy

But she was totally resistant to it

Ciara described herself as a perfectionist

A stereo typical anorectic 

When age was a bit older

Ciara was admitted to John of Gods psychiatric hospital in Dublin

And did the eating disorder programme there 

Under Dr. Terence Larkin

My ears pricked up as I heard this

As this is the hospital I've been in many times

I had to laugh as I heard her comment that Dr. Larkin wore lovely socks

Because he did!

She described how she played the staff there

Toms them what they wanted to hear

But still maintained her disorder

She also described how she picked up tricks in hospital from the other girls

I am with Ciara in this one

Sometimes hospital can be like a school for EDs

You learn more about the disorder

Maybe how to purge

How to manipulate your weight

How to hide your disorder

Similar to a criminal going to prison and becoming a better criminal

Going to treatment can help you learn more about your disorder

This admission didn't work

And Ciara continued to starve and purge

She was then admitted to St. Patrick's hospital in Dublin

Where she completed the eating disorder programme there

I was also I this hospital

However my experience was not as positive as Ciaras 

This was the start of her recovery

Then her Grandad died 

And Ciara began to re evaluate her life

She began seeing a therapist in her home town

And described how she saved her life

She is now in recovery

She also writes a good blog over on Wordpress 

Which I had a look at

I loved listening to Ciaras story

It is similar to mine

And yet different 

She says herself that she is lucky to be alive 

I feel that way too

I was just talking with my addiction counsellor Breda yesterday

How I am so lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed

Considering what I have been through

I am not doing too badly 

Ciaras story is testament to how things can turn around for us

That there is always hope

And recovery is always possible

She described how recovery is not a destination

It's a process

We never arrive at recovery

We are always on a stage of it

I have no doubt that I was meant to hear this story today

I firmly believe that situations are put in our way to help us

We all have a story

And those of us with EDs and addiction have a very important story

I am hoping that through this blog

That my story resonates with someone

And helps them feel not so alone

My blog is not about telling people how to recover

Heck, I am only just figuring that out for myself

But my blog is as much for you as it is for me

I love to read honesty

And gear honesty at meetings 

When I hear honesty

It almost gives me permission to be honest to

And that in turn encourages others to be honest

It's s chain reaction

I am doing well at the moment

I met a good friend yesterday

Someone that I haven't seen in years

We went for tea

Had a great chat

And then got a meeting

Meetings are helping more than anything right now

I'm getting out

Meeting people

Talking to people

Making new friends

It's truly amazing how things can turn around

I am full of hope these days 

Not just for me

But for you too

Hearing Ciaras story today has done me the world of good 

It just goes to show

That if you surround yourself with positive people and things

Then that will rub off on you

Today is a good day 

Everything is exactly how it should

And I for one am glad to be alive 

Sunday

It was this morning

The same as any other Sunday morning

Except the clocks had gone forward 

And confused me so I had got up an hour earlier than I would normally

I watched tv for a while

And drifted in and out of sleep

I finally managed to wake up at about 10am

Got myself together 

And brought the dogs for a walk

It rained 

We got soaked

And headed back to the house

Marie texted

We arranged to meet at the lunch time meeting

I changed my clothes

And got ready for the meeting

Jumped in my car

And headed off

I think a lot when I drive

I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about

I know I was driving through the village

Mass was just over and there were air of people milling about

Cars pulling in and out

I was driving slowly 

Was just driving by a junction

When I saw it

A green jeep

There are a lot of green jeeps around where I live

And everytime I see one my heart stops

I scanned the registration plate

It was his

My heart now started to palpitate 

He was at the junction

So I drove right by his eyeline

I didn't look to see if it was him

I knew it was

I wanted to put my foot down and get the hell out of there

But the car in front of me slowed to a crawl

It seemed to take forever for me to drive past

I don't know if he saw me

I don't really care

But by the time I got to the meeting 

I was a mess

I had to sit in my car for a couple of minutes

And just breathe

And calm down

I managed to compose myself

And headed in to the meeting 

I guess it was bound to happen 

I was bound to run in to him sooner or later

In reality we frequent the same villages and towns

This is a small area

It was always going to happen

But still

I wasn't prepared for it

And it rattled me something serious

Just knowing that he is around unsettles me

But how and ever

It happened 

I survived 

I'm sure it will happen again

And I will survive that too

In other news

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday

When I first moved here

I used to attend meetings regularly

I mentioned in my last post that I was friendly with two of the men

One of the men in particular became a family friend

I guess he was like a sponsor to me really

We were friends for years

But I went of the rails

And pulled away from him and all my friends

I've spoke to him maybe a couple of times in the last few years

And yesterday I rang him

He didn't know who it was at first

I kept him guessing 

When he heard me speak

He knew then

It was so good to speak to him

And he was delighted to hear from me

We arranged to meet tomorrow and then get a meeting in

He's someone that I want in my life

So I am doing ok

Keeping close to good friends

Getting a lot of meetings

Staying out of trouble

I'm trying

And that's the main thing

Saturday

Another day 

Another meeting 

Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 

Just for a change

And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know

I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer

And started going to meetings pretty much straight away

Mostly NA

But there were only two a week back then

Now there's one most days

Back then there was very few women at the meetings

Do I used to hang around with the men

There were two men in particular that I was very close to

They were in their fifties 

But I got on great with them

One especially became a family friend 

And was a great support to my mother also

Over time o drifted away from the meetings

And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm

And we headed in to town

We arrived a few minutes late 

And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs

I recognised a couple of faces straight away

And whispered hello

It was only when I looked around

That I realised that it was all males

I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting

I was going to ask 

But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with

His name is Damien

Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together

It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia

I remember Damien calling up to me every evening

He would bring the paper

And we would do the crossword

We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes

Him pushing me in my wheelchair

And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 

Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones

He was a great friend

But again

We drifted apart

I was slipping and sliding

And he moved on

It was so good to see him last night

We had a big hug

And a quick catch up after the meeting

He asked about my mum

And the dogs

And we laughed about old times

It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas

And they were young guys too

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak

But I did it 

I shared about where I am at

And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 

When he was sharing

He said it was really good to see me

He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me

I could feel the anxiety in me rising

I remember that meeting

I shared something with him that I really regret

I won't go in to what I said 

But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position

I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 

But he obviously hasn't

It made me feel super uncomfortable

 

Apart from that

It was a great meeting

I really got a lot out of it

It was so lovely to see some familiar faces

And so good to the amazing recovery that people have

I want that 

I want to be well so badly now

They say in meetings

That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking

I can honestly say now

 That I have that desire 

And the more meetings I go to

And the more I listen to others share

It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do

And I am on the right path

I just feel so blessed

And so very lucky 

To have been given this second chance

And if a relapse was what it took to get me here

Then I can honestly say that it was worth it

They say everything happens for a reason

I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 

It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time

One guy had a year

And everyone clapped

Then I was asked how long I was clean

I said three weeks

And everyone clapped and said well done

I know three weeks isnt a long time

But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings

And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways

My head is a much nicer place to be 

I feel so much more positive

I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this

I have no cravings

No urge to drink or use

No desire to contact The Boy

He now seems like a distant memory

I have hope now

Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction

Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be

A good person 

A person who does the right thing

Someone you can rely on

And also the social side of meetings is great

I'm meeting so many people

And that is great for me

I was spending so much time on my own

That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people

To chat

To laugh

To identify and relate

To connect

To hug 

You can't beat that feeling 

And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family

They can see that I am making the effort

And although they might not fully trust me yet

They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting

She really has been such a good friend to me

When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me

She was always there

Never gave up on me 

That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her

I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people

Crazy people

Junkies 

Trouble makers

I now see that it was because like attracts like

I have out those vibes

And so attracted those types of people

But now the opposite seems to be happening

I seem to be attracting good people

Honest people 

And that is amazing 

It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out

That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 

As quickly as life can go down hill

It can also turn around just as fast

I feel hopeful now

Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track

I have been through a lot in my 33 years

I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I believe my struggles have a purpose

I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet

But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing

Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting

And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it

It's a good day today

It good to be alive and kicking

To feel good in myself

Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling

I hope I can do it

I think I can 

I really think I can